The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Mindy Project - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
I think you'd have to say that
this past year was pretty amazing.

My boyfriend proposed to me,
and he gave me a huge ring.

Will you marry me?

It's real. I checked.

Then I gave birth to
the world's cutest baby.

I love you, Leo Castellano.

And got my bikini body
back, like, overnight.

Yeah!

Even my new fertility
practice started to take off,

turning frozen eggs
into that dolla-dolla bill.

Yep, in many ways, it
was the best year of my life.



That also contained some of
the worst moments of my life.

You are bullying me!

We agreed and now
you're changing your mind?

I thought we could just go one
day without talking about this.

I'm just saying,
I'd like more kids.

Oh, this is a betrayal?
It's a betrayal.

And as for this year,

let's say that so far,
it's been interesting.

This has nothing to
do with you, okay? Yup.

This is about Mommy and Daddy.

With you, nothing changes.

It's okay. It's not you.
No, it's not your fault.

What did I do? It has
nothing to do with you.

Why did you do this?



Peter!

What the hell, Peter?
I'm sorry. I was trying...

I'm trying to paint here.

They were mean to
Rosie Perez. I like her.

I have no opinion.
Morning, everyone.

Shh. Hey.

What?

Well, nothing.
It's just, normally,

when you come in,
you burst into tears

when you walk past
Dr. C's old office.

Morgan! What'd we say about
mentioning you-know-who?

She asked me. What
am I supposed to do?

Why are we still getting
Danny's Italian Men's Health?

He hasn't worked
here for months. Oh!

I didn't mean,
Danny. I meant Daddy.

Leo's Daddy. Damn
it! Please don't cry.

Guys, it's fine.

I appreciate you being so
careful about the breakup.

Things are okay now
between me and Danny.

We're on good terms.

Does that mean
he's up for grabs?

No, Beverly, I
wouldn't like that.

Are you sure you're okay?

'Cause a month ago, I liked a picture of
Dr. C on Instagram and you poisoned my plant.

And I also said, "You're
a traitor. You're fired."

The comment that I
have since deleted.

I'm cool now. In fact, give me his
mail. I'm gonna see him later tonight.

Uh, are you sure
that's a good idea?

Yes, I'm just dropping
Leo off. Relax.

It's not like we're gonna get in some
big fight where I call him a greaseball

and throw his protein powder
out the window. Already did that.

Can I tell you something right
now? I'm proud of you, all right?

Thank you, Morgan.

And when you're ready
to get back out there.

Cousin Lou met some
great guys on jury duty.

Okay. It was jury duty for them.

He is a murderer.

Alleged murderer.
Alleged, alleged.

I can't believe that it is finally
time for Later Baby Spring Break.

I can't believe you
actually convinced

a bunch of college girls to
give up their spring breaks

so you guys could just
poke at their private parts.

Why not? Instead of
passing out at a foam party

and waking up
with a pot leaf tattoo,

these girls can spend eight
medically supervised days

enjoying the Big Apple.

Topping it all off with a simple
procedure to freeze their eggs.

Giving them the reproductive freedom to date
a string of losers until their late 30s.

And on my end, I have set up
a tour of the quarry for the girls.

And if we're lucky, we might see
the scuba team discover a body.

Colette, would you be a dear
and go start some toast for me?

Oh, fine. But I might
take a couple bites.

Bye!

Uh, Morgan? Yep?

Uh, I'm afraid you can't be a
part of Later Baby Spring Break.

You're a convicted felon.
It just wouldn't feel right.

Oh, it wouldn't feel right? No.

Um, unfortunately for you,

it's Lahiri Fertility Clinic,

all right? So there's one lady
I answer to. Tell him, boss.

I'm sorry, Morgan, you
can't be a part of this.

Dr. K, can you please
reason with her?

This is the guy that has a
history of seducing college girls.

I've never seduced anyone!

I've told you that many times.

I'm reformed now. I no
longer dabble in co-eds.

The last woman I slept with
was a paralegal in her 40s.

Afterwards, I played
Xbox with her son.

That doesn't really prove
anything. I, I think. Maybe.

I'm sorry, it's already done.

Why am I helping?

This is worse than jail.

We are so excited
to have you here.

This week is not just
about freezing your eggs.

It's also about learning
sizzling life-hacks

from a sexually active
young career woman.

Aw, now, don't
worry, for your safety,

we have issued each of you
a whistle, and handkerchiefs

for blotting this city's
very greasy pizza.

Yeah, and get ready for
a week of good, clean fun.

I'm talking the
Museum of Poverty.

I'm talking a tour of New
York's female statues.

I've even arranged an autograph
session at the M&M store

with the green one. Oh!

And look who's got tickets to
Broadway's biggest sensation, Hamilton?

Damn!

Can I sell my ticket?
It sounds boring.

What? You're not interested in the early
history of the U.S. Treasury Department?

No. I thought this was
supposed to be spring break.

Jody, can't you take us out?

I want to go to the club where
Lil Wayne woke up from his coma.

Uh, well, it's Dr. Kimball-Kinney,
and no, I cannot.

I'm sorry, Shloe, it's not going
to be that kind of spring break.

Actually, alcohol is not
permitted on this trip.

It's really not good
for your procedure.

Now, take it away, Tamra!

All right, I'm your
chaperone, Nurse Webb.

I ain't never had no power
before and I do plan on abusing it.

Now, let's get into some gowns for your
initial exams. Come on, Shloe! Hustle up.

Hazing! Hazing! Hazing!

Let's get these pap smears
cracking. Come on, ladies.

Now, don't forget, you're
chaperoning with Tamra tonight.

You've got to be at the
Richard Rodgers by 7:30.

If you're late, they won't let you in
until after the Revolutionary War.

Chill, man. I've
been to a play before.

I've seen Thunder From
Down Under like, nine times.

I just have to drop
Leo off at Danny's first.

Do you want to say
something to me?

It's just I've noticed
that, uh, you and Danny

are spending an awful
lot of time together.

Okay. For a couple
that's broken up.

All right. We share a son.

And if he spends all of his time
with Danny, he's gonna turn on me.

The other day he knocked a Dorito
out of my hand and said, "Mama, no."

It was chilling.

A lot of time.

That's all I'm saying.

We can be broken up and still
spend time in the same room.

Danny and I are having a modern
uncoupling, like Coldplay and Goop.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, there's my little guy!

Oh, hello, Leo.
How are you today?

Just like a duck. It's true!

Yeah, he loves the duck.
He loves it. You love it, too.

I can't.

How's he doing? Really good.

Yeah. Yeah. He saw Hillary on
TV the other day, made a little fist.

Yeah? Yeah.

That's my boy. Hey, come
on in. Let's go. Thank you.

Oh, um, some mail
came for you at work.

Oh, great. Thanks.
Appreciate it.

Whoa.

Is that a lasagna I smell or
one of your weight-loss candles?

That is the real
deal right there.

Mmm. Hey, why don't you come in?

Wanna have some? And, I don't know,
maybe you can stay for story time with Leo?

I could, um...

Come in. Oh, okay.

Okay. Great.

All right.

Goodnight, pal.
Goodnight, sweetheart.

Sleep happy.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Can I just say? You are
a captivating storyteller.

Thank you. It's fun to
read children's books

to someone who's always
surprised by the end.

Hey, you want to
stay for another?

You know, just make sure

Leo's asleep.

I'll let you turn the pages.

Hello, Mindy. Oh, my God!

My bear claw! You
cannot scare me like that.

You know my doctor says that I have
the heart of an 80-year-old coal miner.

How was Hamilton last night?

It was great. Is that so?

It was my favorite
musical I've ever seen.

How was the music?

In fact, why don't you
sing me a few bars?

Sure, I would love to.

"My name's Al Hamilton,
I'm here to say..."

That is not in Hamilton,

what you're doing right now.

Admit it. You didn't
even go to the show.

Okay. You're right.

You're right. I didn't go
to see Hamilton last night.

I was hanging out with Danny.

But, Jody, he plied
me with lasagna.

He wove me these amazing tales

of a bear that lost a button,
a hat guy and a monkey.

One thing led to another, and...

I told you this would happen.

He's still got his
hook in your mouth.

He just gave you
a little extra line

so he could reel you back in.

I am not a fish,
Jody. I am a woman

who, yes, one time ate a
worm to pledge a sorority.

But what's the big deal, anyway?

Wasn't Tamra with the girls?

It was horrible, Dr. L.

They were drunk before Hamilton

had even proposed
the National Bank.

Which I still think gives the
federal government too much power.

They got kicked
out of the theater,

then they ran around the city

cutting dogs loose
from their leashes.

They cut who from their what?

Morgan, give us a moment.

Okay, I'll go, but
these girls are sick.

And if I had come with you,

none of this would
have ever happened.

It's the new teen
bad behavior trend.

"Leashing"! And I ain't never

even heard of
it until last night.

Oh, no, am I old?

It gets worse. Check this out.

They leashed some
pretty prominent dogs.

I'm sorry, if I could just
take a quick moment.

Frisbee? If you're listening,

I miss you so much.

I can't believe

that our last
conversation was a fight.

If you come back, I won't ever

run the vacuum cleaner
around you ever again

because I know you hate that.

And, um,

as for you, New
York, please join me

in wearing a gray ribbon
until Frisbee is found.

Stay strong, Frisbee. Stay
Frisbee strong, everyone.

We'll be right back with
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

I saw dozens of those
gray ribbons on the subway.

I thought it was to prevent
old people from driving.

Get your asses
in here. Sit down.

You girls are out of control.

And this is coming from
a girl who got so drunk

she fell out of the
basket of a hot air balloon.

Your parents sent you here to
freeze your eggs, not wild out!

What's wild out mean?

Is that, like, slang
from the early 2000s?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Tamra. It's not worth it.

I knew it. I knew it. This
city has corrupted these girls.

It's corrupted them all. It's not a
surprise, really. It happens to everyone.

Just the other day, I ate
with my elbows on the table.

This is supposed
to be spring break.

One of my friends is
already missing in Aruba.

When you guys
came to my college,

Jody led me to believe this trip

would be a lot more fun.

Hey, it's not Jody.

It's Dr. Kimball-Kinney,

which, yeah, is hard to say.

But if we have to
say it, so do you.

I'm sorry it's come to this, but I
think it's time to implement a lock-in.

Right here, tonight
at this practice.

Tamra will gather your
personal effects from the hotel.

What's a lock-in?

Is it like a sleepover? Sort of.

Yes. I'm great at sleepovers.

I will do any dare
in a Truth or Dare.

One time, I snuck upstairs, touched my
friend's dad's penis while he was sleeping.

What?

All right, Dr. Lahiri, I think you
can, you can take the night off.

I didn't, like, rub it or
anything. I just touched it.

Your priorities have
been made clear.

I'm sorry, are you
trying to kick me out?

I'm just suggesting.

Absolutely not, Jody!

You know why?
This is my business.

These girls are my everything!

They all idolize me.

Come on, squad!

Whoa! Okay.

Uh... I stepped in a trash can.

It's fine. Come
on, girls! You okay?

Come with me.

We want to stay with Jody.

Oh, you do, do you?

Mindy. Well, it's fine.

I have cool plans myself.

Like take a trash
can off my foot.

In other news, it's now been

almost two days
since Frisbee Meyers

was leashed. As the
city rallies behind Seth,

one can't help but lose hope.

What?

If you have any information
on the... My God. This is bad.

Whereabouts of Frisbee
Meyers, please call this number.

Oh, for God sakes.

Oh.

Eggplant? Whoa, Danny.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

All right, all right.

This is a good
old-fashioned lock-in.

Which means no one
can come in or out.

And why would you want to?

We have such an
exciting evening in store.

I have ordered authentic
New York-style pizza,

and we have two classic movies starring
other people who like to break the rules.

Gran Torino,

and Ulee's Gold.

Yes, Tracey?

Where's Chloe?

Chloe?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

This is not happening. There
was a clause in the application

that says no girls shall
vanish into the night.

Tamra, you and
I shall go find her.

Jeremy, you shall take over.

It's unbelievable.

Hey, you see this
building right here?

All my friends are working all
night and I have to go home.

Ah, forget it.

Hey, you see this dog?

If I find this dog,

they will freak out
and have to accept me.

My friend, you were
a big help to me.

I got a headline
for you tomorrow.

Tell your buddies.
Ready for this?

"Man Helps Man."

Leo's asleep.

He won't hear any noise.

God.

Ugh, I just feel so
marginalized at work these days.

I mean, like,

I know I'm not perfect,
but it's my company.

They're treating me
like I'm Donald Sterling.

If anything, I'm V Stiviano.

Hey, I'm taking off my pants.
Which way do you want to face?

Honey, I'm trying to talk
to you about something.

What?

Yeah, okay. Um,
let's just do missionary

and then I'll face the headboard
when we really get going.

Great plan. I love it. Okay.

Good.

Ah, thank God! There you are.

Oh, now lookie here,
young lady, no more.

That bourbon is
not for you. Hmm?

This is for my adult associates

and for parents when
they have a male child.

It's so funny hearing the girls
call you Dr. Kimball-Kinney,

when I know you as Jody.

It's such a hot secret.

It is not a hot secret. Lots
of people call me Jody.

Doris the cleaning
woman calls me Jody.

Are you sleeping with her, too?

No. I'll kill her.

You and I are not
sleeping together.

We slept together
once, months ago,

while your roommate was
at rehearsals for Noises Off.

But you shared my
extra-long twin with me.

Hey. You ate all of
my gummy vitamins.

Well... You know, my mom
sent me those in a care package.

Did that mean nothing?

It was a mistake.

I don't do this anymore.

That's what you said last time.

Uh... Come here.

No. No. No.

Look who I found.

Dr. K... Shloe?

Hey. Oh, uh...

This is not what it
looks like, Morgan.

Hey, are you using
my toothbrush?

No!

Hey, I think my
refractory's over.

Yep, it is.

Whoa, baby.

Son of a bitch.

You ready for round two?

Whose lipstick is this?

It's not mine.

Are you sleeping
with other people?

Uh, I don't know what
you want me to say to that.

I cannot believe you, Danny.

You're just letting some
skank into your bedroom,

doing all the skanky
things that I do to you?

Did she do my signature move?

No, of course not! No
one volunteers to do that.

I don't even like it that
much anyway. Oh, you don't?

No, I don't. You don't like it?

It's okay. Oh, you like it.

You liked it all
over the bedspread.

How could you do that?

I'll tell you how. You left!

Remember? I was stifling you,

and you chose your job
over us having a happy family.

Does that ring a bell?

That is a very one-sided
description of what happened.

Either way, did you think I was
never gonna be with someone else?

Well, I never thought
it would be this soon.

I never thought
I'd be single again.

Fine.

Meanwhile, I could never picture

being with someone else.

The idea of it makes me sick.

Come on. Don't do that.

Okay? Just...

You should feel no
pressure at all to have sex

with anyone ever again.

It's different for women.

You know, you could... I mean,
I'm a guy so we have needs,

and so we do things.

But you could go, like, you could
probably go the rest of your life

and never have sex
with anybody, right?

I'm gonna go.

Don't go... And I'm
taking this with me.

Okay? 'Cause it's nicer
than the brand I use.

Bye. Good night.

Hello? Dr. L., it's Morgan.

I'm here with Dr. K.
It's about Chloe.

Is that how it's pronounced?

I know. I was just
as surprised as you.

Huh. Anyways, I was
right about this guy.

He's a complete pervert. No...

I caught him getting
gross with Chloe. Yes, I did.

What? That is not true.

Jody, are you out of your mind?

I made one
indiscretion months ago,

but I have not done
anything wrong since.

This girl has a
powerful crush on me.

You know I wouldn't do
that to our practice, Mindy.

You know what,
Jody? I believe you.

Because if I was
a 19-year-old idiot,

I'd probably try to
hook up with you, too.

Okay, I'm sorry! I'm a dog hero.

How come no one wants
to sleep with me, ever?

Morgan, I don't have
time for this, okay?

Can you please put
her on the phone?

I want to talk to her.

Oh, you want to talk to Chloe?

Oh, where's Chloe?

Chloe? Chloe? Oh, right,
that's right. She's gone!

She's probably in the cargo
hold of a ship right now.

You want to be famous
actress in Ukraine?

Then crawl into actress cage!

What the... Morgan!

And that's on you, Jack!

Hey, Morgan? Really bad time

to test out a character
on me. Okay?

What? MINDY: Wait!

I have an idea.

I think I know
where to find her.

- Where?
- We'll meet you.

Where are you? Dr. L.?

These are my favorite. Have one.

Chloe! It's me!

Your cool egg doctor.

Hey! Who are you talking to?

Get out of here,
stupid greasers!

Do you know how
fertile you are right now?

You could get pregnant
from a handshake.

What are you doing
here, Dr. Lame-hiri?

How did you even find me?

I found you

because I remembered

that you wanted
to go to the club

where Lil Wayne
woke up from his coma.

Turns out that happened
at six different places,

so I've been all over town.

At this place, Calvin Harris called
me a loser and told me to leave.

Don't laugh at that!

It was very hurtful!

Sorry.

Jody told me what happened.

I told him things I'd
never told anyone before.

Like how much pressure I feel
to dress cute because I'm pretty.

But now he's acting like
nothing ever happened.

Breakups are the worst.

Yeah. I am beginning to feel

like the only way to truly get over
someone that you cared a lot about

is to start a new chapter.

How do I do that?

He's all I think about.

He looks like all the
old trees on my campus.

You're already
starting a new chapter.

Yeah, you're freezing your eggs,

which is gonna give you
time to find the right guy.

Now all you have to do is make
a clean break with the old one.

I do have my eye on
my English professor.

That's one option.

You know, I would look at the undergraduate
population first. And then townies.

Hmm. And then professors.

We'll miss you, Dr. Reed.

We couldn't have done
this without you. Aw.

What are you talking about?

I'm a dog hero! You
all could've gone to jail.

Here you go. Oh, thanks.

I can't believe we did it.

No one was too traumatized.

We retrieved all those eggs.

Two girls fell in love.

And the best part is they got to spend
the week with a strong role model.

Yeah. Beverly has
survived a lot of diseases.

No, Mindy. You're
the role model.

Thank you so much.

Is everything okay?

It's the middle of the night. It's
almost 10:00. What's going on?

I don't think we should
sleep together anymore.

Keep your voice down, okay? I
don't want you to wake the neighbors.

So come inside.
Let's talk about it...

No one's asleep, the
sun just set. There's more.

Just let me finish.

I also don't think we should
see each other anymore.

More than we absolutely need to.

It's just too easy for me

to slip back into thinking that
things are the way that they were.

Well, things aren't
so bad, are they?

No, they're not.

No.

But they're not good, either.

Goodbye, Danny.

Okay. Dr. L, come quick!

Dr. Reed left his breakfast
calzone in the kitchen.

It's a feeding frenzy!

Ladies and gentlemen,
our next guest is a nurse

at Shulman & Associates, a
women's health clinic downtown.

He's also the man who
found my dog, Frisbee.

Give a warm welcome to Morgan
Fairchild "Ransom" Tookers.

Uh. I'm already... I'm
already committed.

Sorry.

Have a seat.

Wow.

Thank you so, so
much for being here.

Thank... Thank
you for having me.

It's great to, uh... To be here.

Um. What's new with you?

Oh, that's not how these...

That's not how that works.

I would ask you. What...
What's new with you?

Uh...

So you very much
wanted to come out here.

You made that very clear to
me and I was happy to oblige

because of finding my dog.

What... Now you're a nurse?

Yeah, a nurse practitioner.

Okay, got ya.

Now what's the difference

between a nurse and
a nurse practitioner?

Basically, a nurse is... Oh...

Okay. That's never...

That's never
happened to a guest.

Please help me up.