The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 15 - Episode #4.15 - full transcript
So, I've never been set
up by my Postmate before,
but it makes sense, because I
see Carlos F. almost every night.
Yeah, Carlos is cool.
Hey, man, the show is down here.
Right, right.
Um. so, uh, Carlos
mentioned that you...
Yes! And one!
I'm gonna go. If I wanted to be
treated badly at a wings place,
I'd go to the one by my
house where I don't tip.
Well...
Well, wait. I'm sorry.
The truth is, I haven't
been on a date in a while.
I'm a bit rusty.
And right now, we are in the
middle of a category five sports-icane.
What's a sports-icane?
It's a day when a bunch of great
sporting events happen at the same time.
I mean, we got a
game seven in the NHL,
LeBron versus Kobe,
and the biggest
MMA fight of all time,
Soto Diaz versus Diaz Soto.
I actually kind of like MMA. I think it's
cute when those guys 69 each other.
Here. Uh, come over here
and... And sit on my side,
I'll explain everything. And uh,
I'll be so busy yammering away
that you can have all the wings.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, that is very interesting.
I did not know that
they held sporting events
at Madison Square Garden.
I thought that's just
where Billy Joel lived.
So. Um, well, this is me.
You know, it started off bad,
but I had a really nice time.
I had a really nice time too.
It was fun, right? Mmm-hmm.
I mean, even though
you choked on a wing
and I had to give you
the Heimlich maneuver.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm just such a foodie.
No, I liked it.
I mean, I... I got to cop a
feel on the first date, you know.
Well, I have delivered you
safely to your apartment.
I'm not gonna make it
weird and ask to come in.
You can come in. I'd
love for you to come in.
Easy, tiger.
Maybe I've earned myself
a... A nighttime date?
Definitely.
Ugh, Morgan, I
had the best date.
He's cute, he made
sports tolerable,
he paid for three figures
worth of chicken wings.
See, I told you it's not impossible
to date as a single mother.
Oh, my God, I'm a mom!
I didn't tell him I have a kid!
Did you tell him about me?
No, of course not.
Okay, don't cry.
Come on. That's not...
Don't encourage him.
Hey guys, how do I tell a man
that I am dating that I have a kid?
How many children
does he have? None.
Well, then it doesn't matter how
you tell him, because it's over.
What?
I don't know. I think I would date
a woman with a child. Thank you.
A female child though. What?
Well, if it was a boy, it
would only be a matter of time
before he was big
enough to kill me.
Yeah, I could totally see
a little boy killing Dr. Reed.
Right? Yeah, for sure.
My God. You guys don't
know what you're talking about.
Kurt Russell got with Goldie
Hawn when she had two kids.
Well, with all due respect, Mindy
is no Goldie Hawn in Overboard.
How dare you!
I have fallen off
of several ships.
Hey man, you're out of line.
Yeah, this one has
a child, all right?
But maybe there's
something wrong with this guy.
He could be ugly,
or deformed, or
have a scarred penis.
No, stop. I thought you
were gonna say... Ew.
That it didn't matter because
Leo is such a great kid
and anyone would be
lucky to be around him.
Leo's okay.
All right, that sucked.
Honest. Just honest.
Colette, you need to get
your ass in there and fix this!
I am all in! If you
bail on me I'm ruined!
Hey, what the hell
is going on in here?
Beverly's trying to sleep
out there. Sorry. All right.
Okay, okay, listen.
Colette and I have decided
to move in together.
Mmm-hmm. And
now this one is bailing.
I know, I just...
I have a hard time telling my
brother that I got to move out
'cause he's really
protective of me.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that you
were gonna have to have
a difficult conversation with
your brother... Thank you.
I'm so sorry. Because I
went to see my grandmother...
The woman who saw me through
prison and my soda addiction,
and I told her, "I'm out
of here, you old bitch."
Why would you do that?
'Cause I was hopped up on
Sprite 'cause I'm using again.
Hey, Colette. Yes?
Forget Jody, where
do you want to live?
With Morgan,
with all of my heart.
He's my friend and we
wear the same Crocs size.
Okay, I was trying
to give you a way out.
But if that's really how
you feel, and again,
I find that very
hard to believe,
then you need to
talk to your brother.
You're right.
Hey, I need to talk to
you about something.
I have a kid.
And I know that
it's a deal breaker.
So, I'm just gonna take my food
and eat in the ladies'
room on the toilet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold
on, hold on, wait, wait, wait.
Can we maybe sit down? We've got,
like, 30 more plates of tapas coming.
I, uh... Please?
Okay. Okay.
All right.
Guess what?
I like kids. Really?
Look, we're both in our 30s.
We have our histories.
I mean, I was engaged
once, didn't work out.
Oh, my God, I was engaged too.
That's where my kid is from.
It's actually kind
of a sexy story.
We were in the alley, next to a
dumpster behind the Bubba Gump
just kind of going at it...
Cool, yeah, do you maybe
have any stories that don't involve
you having unprotected
sex with another man?
Yes. Once, I got a turtleneck caught
over my head in a changing room
and, uh, they had to
call the fire department.
It made national news. Wow.
Good morning, coworkers.
Look out. Here she comes.
Everybody be nice,
she just got dumped.
Uh, would a guy who's
dumping me give me
five minutes of
tongue last night?
Wait... What? He knows you
have a son and he's still interested?
By God, hold onto him, Mindy,
like a flagpole in a tornado.
Guys, check this out!
He's taking me to a
wedding this weekend.
A wedding? On your third date?
No, that's too fast.
No, he'll see how you
dance or how you eat shrimp!
Oh, God, this thing's over.
Oh, my God, what is
everyone's problem?
You're worried
he doesn't like her,
now you're worried
he likes her too much?
You should just
not care, like me.
Thank you, Tamra. Thank you.
Jody, you know I'm grateful for
everything that you've done for me,
and I love you. And I
love you too, Colette.
That's why I am so
happy that we live together.
Uh, yeah, uh,
but aren't we lucky that we
get to work together too, right?
Yes. So even if we
didn't live together,
we'd still see each
other, like, all the time.
Well, I don't really consider
this you-and-me time.
But I'm okay with that,
because we live together.
I'm moving out!
Yeah, Morgan and I
are gonna be roommates.
What? Mmm-hmm.
Why?
I just wanna try being more
independent, you know?
Well, all right. I guess...
I guess that's that.
So, you're okay with this?
Well, doesn't really matter.
Once a Kimball-Kinney's
made up their mind,
that horse is as good as glue.
Thank you. Thank you, bro.
I love you.
Oh, I... I love you too.
Best brother ever!
Oh, best sister...
Best brother ever!
You! Argh! A man could wish for.
Morgan, would you
come to my office, please?
Hey!
I understand that
you and my sister
are gonna be living together.
Okay, she told you.
Yes.
It's not like I'm replacing you.
I'm just...
Kind of taking the place of you.
That's great.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Find me an empty box.
Oh, God, yeah,
nothing beats a nice box.
Good. And then grab all
the effects from your desk
and put them in the
box because you're fired.
Got it.
Oh, God, I hope we're not
too late to get good seats.
I need my own hymnal.
I actually want to
floss with the ribbon.
I don't think we have to worry.
I know people.
Oh, my gosh, it's Mindy.
We are so excited to meet you.
Oh, hi. Thank you so much.
This happens all the time.
I actually review
cereal on YouTube.
I'm Janice.
Thank you so much for
tuning in. Keep crunchin'.
Um. No. Mindy, uh,
this is not one of your
YouTube followers. Um...
This is my mom.
Oh. Oh! Oh, my gosh.
It's so nice to meet
you, Mrs. Green.
I didn't know you
were gonna be here.
Yeah, my whole family's here.
Why are they here?
Because it's my
brother's wedding!
Surprise! What now?
Oh, uh, we're starting.
Uh, have a seat.
I'll be right back.
I'm the best man.
Wow, your husband
killed a lot of Nazis.
Yeah, you know, I don't
have much time left,
and the fact that my Bryant
found you gives me great comfort.
Hold up. Bryant, with
a "T"? Mmm-hmm.
Hey, uh, babe, have
you tried this salad?
It's got candied walnuts in it.
I haven't and I actually
wanted to ask you...
Oh, oh, oh, the slideshow
is about to start. Okay.
Ohhh!
Oh, my God.
That's us!
Bryan-t, that photo is
from the cocktail hour.
Yeah, look, I know this does seem
like it's moving a bit fast and, hell,
I wish my brother's wedding
was like, six months from now.
But I knew that when I
looked back at these photos
that I'd want you in them.
That's sweet.
Oh, we have to give our toast.
Okay. All right. Let's do this.
I... I have to...
I'm... Okay, okay.
Oh, God. Why don't you
watch where you're going?
God, it reeks.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've
been here for days.
Get up. Get up. Ah!
God. What is going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on.
Let me paint you a picture
of an honest, hard-working,
American immigrant,
doing his job 9-to-5,
and one day, the powers that
be say, "Morgan, you're fired."
Oh, Morgan, so what.
You know that we fire
you every couple months
'cause we don't wanna have
to contribute to your 401k.
Uh, yeah, I know, but guess
what? This time, I wasn't rehired!
Wait, who did this?
I'm not gonna say who
did it 'cause I don't dime,
but his name starts with a
"J" and it ends with a "Y".
It was him.
I didn't fire Morgan.
Now that I think about
it, there's two people
with the name "J"
and ending in "Y".
Sorry, Jeremy.
What a waste of time.
I should have said Jody.
Jody?
Oh, hey, you cannot
fire Morgan, all right?
He's a good nurse, and we need
his Jack Nicholson impression
for the hospital skit night.
Yeah, you do.
Hey, you have to let
Colette do her own thing.
She's a grown woman, Jody.
She's 28.48? 38?
Okay, you know, I can't
tell with that one. Yeah.
Would you want your little
brother to live with Morgan?
Of course! Absolutely not.
Because you would
suspect that his apartment
is just an extension
of Morgan himself.
Loud and rotting
from the inside.
Hey, my inside rot has
nothing to do with this.
Talk to this man, please.
Okay, all right, all right.
Look, Jody, you and I both know
that this place probably sucks.
What? No, I can hear you.
It's good. I'm telling you,
it has wall-to-wall floor!
And that's what I'm telling
him. I gotta do it my own way.
All right, fine.
For whatever reason,
your sister wants this.
So, you can at least take an
hour and go out and look at it.
Fine. Then at least
I can say I tried.
I'll look at it. Thank you.
Yeah!
Hey, Dr. L. How was the wedding?
You didn't do the worm, did you?
I did and his
grandparents loved it.
Why were his grandparents there?
Because it was his
brother's wedding.
Hey, did you hear about Morgan
and Colette wanting to live together?
Hold up. Back, back.
Your third date was
his brother's wedding?
Okay Dr. L, you know I was on
Team Eh-Give-This-A-Chance,
but I think I'm switching to Team
Nuh-Uh-This-Bryan-Guy-Is-Weird.
Actually, his name is Bryant.
That's another cool thing I
learned from this weekend.
Why would a normal, good-looking
guy want to move so fast?
You're not going anywhere.
Tamra, what do you want from me?
When you're a single mom, which
you will never be because that is racist,
it's not like there's guys
pounding on your door.
But you have to at least
do your research on the guy.
I tried. His name is too common.
There's a million Bryan Greens
and most of them are just pictures
of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox
sunbathing in the nude.
I mean, we could look at those.
Did you look up Bryant Green?
Because apparently,
he was engaged
to a woman named Theresa
and they never got married.
Yeah, I know, he told me that.
Yeah, well did he tell you they
just broke it off two months ago?
Oh, my God, Tamra.
I'm still wearing nail
polish from two months ago.
Yeah, we're gonna have
to get to the bottom of this
and we're gonna go
straight to the source.
Okay.
This right here is
the media room.
Probably gonna take
out that wall, that wall,
I would take out
the ceiling maybe.
And it's super safe!
There's smoke
detectors in all the rooms,
locks on all the doors.
Now, locks can be dangerous.
What if you fall
asleep on the toilet?
Wouldn't be the first time.
We'll take the
lock off the door.
Yeah, we'll take
the door off the wall.
Also, I'll be in there
with her probably.
Yeah. Brushing my teeth.
Well, I can't say I'm wild
about the neighborhood.
Awful lot of shawarma carts,
but I can see you want this.
I say, "Yea."
Hey, high five me!
All right, all right.
- Oh, you know what this means?
- Housewarming party!
Oh, oh, well, perhaps I could take you
out for pizza and a Coca-Cola to celebrate.
Oh, God, I gotta... I gotta
pack and there's so much to do.
Of course. Of course. I'll just go
home, make myself a little salad.
Okay. Do you remember
Spuds MacKenzie?
So I'll be going then.
Oh, my God, yeah.
I have like, 30, posters.
Thank you, Dr. K.
Bye, bro. Uh...
We can have, like, a bunch
of Kathy Irelands just, like...
Or, like, a rug...
I don't think this is
a good idea, Tamra.
Confronting Bryant's
ex at her place of work?
Well, of course it's a bad
idea, if we're Mindy and Tamra.
But we're not, we're
Isabella and Barb.
Am I Barb? I know that I'm Barb.
Oh, my God, Tamra, this woman
is a big time venture capitalist.
Look at this place.
If security comes,
I'm gonna run.
I'm not getting tased again. That
cannot be good for me long-term.
You're not gonna get
tased. Just let me handle this.
We're Isabella and
Barb van Amsterdam.
We're here to pitch a
business idea to Theresa Miller.
Uh, do you have an appointment?
We don't have an appointment,
just an incredible opportunity.
It's a line of nude underwear.
I'm sorry, she's very busy.
Of course, yeah.
Nude underwear
for women of color!
Oh. One moment please.
Okay, so right now, the industry
standard for flesh-colored underwear
is somewhere between
Kate and Rooney Mara.
It's like every morning
when I wake up,
my underwear drawer is
telling me I'm not important.
That is the most empowering
underwear pitch I've heard today.
I'd love to invest.
Well, we need to know
a little bit more about you.
Well, we're a mid-level firm
with investments ranging from...
Not so much about your firm,
more about your personal life.
Have you ever been engaged?
What was the guy like?
Who ended it? You or him?
Wait, I know you from somewhere.
Have you ever cleaned my house?
What's that, bitch? Oh, wait!
You're dating Bryant.
Oh, my God, that's me!
I had fallen asleep
during Spotlight.
I hope those nosy journalists
got what they deserved.
And long. I'm doing
much better now.
I actually met somebody. I hope
seeing me with another woman
doesn't give you second thoughts
about your decision to end things.
Love, Bryant.
Oh, shit.
Okay, I feel that I have
been misrepresented.
Bryant and I have only
been on three dates.
I'm beginning to think this
isn't about venture capital.
No, no, no, this is all a
part of our vetting process.
So, what happened
between you and Bryant?
Well, we started
dating freshman year.
When he proposed, I
said yes and then I realized
he was the only
person I'd ever dated.
And I wanted to see
what else was out there,
so I broke up with him.
Oh, so now Bryant's
trying to prove to everyone
that he's moved on. So
he'll just date any old thing.
Okay, I thought that
Bryant liked me for me,
not just because I was a
souped-up version of his ex.
No offense. I
gotta go talk to him.
Come on, Tamra. Let's go.
Take the waters.
Try some carrots. Dug them out
of the earth this morning. Go nuts.
I've never thrown
a party before,
but I think this
party is awesome.
I think it stinks.
This 8th grade jazz band
you hired, they play two songs.
Okay? I can't hear
The Pink Panther again.
Talk to them, please. All right.
Well, they have a lot of pizazz.
Okay, well, I can't
hear that song again.
It's making me crazy.
Hello, everybody. Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Hi.
That's what you're wearing?
Okay, I don't need
this. Oh, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
This is supposed to
be, like, a classy party.
Like, I'm wearing... I'm
wearing matching vest and pants.
It's not that great. Well, it's better
than what Dr. Reed's wearing,
which is... It's like
straight up gym clothes.
Morgan, your
apartment's really nice.
Not a million dogs everywhere,
I don't see any
garbage. Aw, thanks.
The dogs are in their room,
they're watching Beethoven's 2nd
starring Charles Grodin.
Dr. L, we need to talk.
Your boyfriend was
the first person here
and immediately broke
a chip in the salsa.
Didn't even fish it out!
Wait, he came? Mmm-hmm.
To this? Yeah.
Yeah, at, like, 4:00. We
were still in our bathrobe.
Oh, my God.
There's my girl.
I love your friends.
Jeremy and I made plans to go for
a walk when the weather gets nice.
Uh, okay. This is weird.
I have to talk to you. Come
on. Come on. Let's go. What?
Oh, for God's sakes.
Okay. Hey.
Sit down, sit.
Excuse me, Puffball.
Hey, hey. What?
Why are you here?
Um, because it's my girlfriend's
co-worker's housewarming party?
I'm not gonna miss that.
No, listen, I know that you
were engaged two months ago.
I met Theresa.
You met Tess?
How's she doing?
She looked awfully sunburned
in those Instagram photos
from her girls' trip to Cancun.
Okay, her tan was obviously
perfect, like, ooh-la-la.
I think you still
have feelings for her.
No, I don't.
No, I'm totally over her.
I just follow her on social media to
see what a loser she's turned into.
Okay, listen, Bryant,
nothing would make me happier
than if a successful,
handsome guy like you
were actually interested in me.
But you're not.
I think you are still
in love with your ex.
And listen, I've been there.
But fast-tracking our
relationship is not gonna help you.
But how am I supposed to
find someone as good as Tess?
What if settling for
you is my best shot?
Okay, we're both nines, so
I take issue with your logic,
but I'm not gonna sit here and help
some good-looking guy in their 30s
lament their dating
prospects in New York City.
I'm actually about to turn 30.
Okay. How dare you.
How dare you be
in your late 20s.
Meanwhile, I'm 35 with a
kid and a bad personality.
I'm never gonna date again.
Okay, I guess you should go.
Okay.
Bye.
I just want to say, a lot of people
thought this wasn't even possible.
- But we did it.
- We did it.
No, no, no!
Cinnamon has ringworm!
Keep playing. This is not
what you're getting paid for.
No, no, no, don't
touch those dogs!
Keep that adorable
bastard away from me.
Oh! Hey, everybody... Hey!
My brother's here!
So, whoever is sitting
in the good chair, get up!
What's up, bro?
Listen, I wanted to thank
you for your patience with me
as I adjust to
this new situation.
Change is difficult for me.
Well, I appreciate it, and you're
welcome here any time, bro.
We can have a sleepover
and prank call girls we like!
Well, I don't know that
we need the sleepover
as I have rented
a place upstairs.
What?
Yes, last night, as I was taking
soup in the second dining room alone,
I realized this is too
much space for one man.
No freaking way!
Colette, language. God!
This is just what I
was worried about!
I'm fine.
You're the one with the
problem, you know that?
We shouldn't be living
together at our age.
You know that Grey
Gardens runs in our family!
Honestly, I think that you
use living with me as an excuse
to avoid a real
adult relationship.
And take your stupid wine.
I don't know how to open it.
Colette!
Hmm.
All right, guys, go
in that direction.
Uh, guys, do me a favor,
something up-tempo and fun.
One, two, three, four...
Not that!
Mmm.
Thank you so much
for this ice cream.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I understand you
love your hot fudge.
Mmm-hmm.
Listen, about what
Colette said earlier,
I am not scared to live
alone. Because I am not alone.
I have a stuffed
owl in my study.
Thank you.
And Murgatroyd
and I will be fine.
So...
Okay, totally. I
believe you, Jody.
Actually, won't it be kind of
easier to bring home women
now that you're not
living with your sister?
I beg your pardon?
You know, now you can
be as loud as you want.
You know, when
you're having sex.
You can be like, "Oh,
waitress I just met!"
"Oh. I'm close! Hit
me!" Stop. Stop it.
"Hit me. I'm coming round
the mountain!" Stop it!
This is my neighborhood.
Jessica Seinfeld
lives right there!
Jerry Seinfeld lives there?
Yeah, well... No soup for you!
Please, I beg you.
I beg you. Please stop. Okay.
I don't know how
Bryant puts up with you.
He actually doesn't
put up with me anymore.
We broke up.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's fine.
I'm just starting to feel like
the only way a normal guy
would be interested in
me is if he were crazy.
No, no, Mindy, that is not true.
Yes, you dress
like the Hamburglar.
Yes, you eat burgers
like the Hamburglar,
but I'm not worried
about you, Mindy Lahiri.
You're gonna be just fine.
Thank you.
Well, this is my house.
This is where you live? Yeah.
I thought this was
the Iraqi embassy.
This whole building?
Just the third floor.
The sundeck is communal,
but A-Rod is always out there.
What the hell is
wrong with Colette?
I wanna live there!
Well, you wanna spend the night?
In a guest bedroom, of course.
Uh... There are eight of them.
You have eight bedrooms?
Oh, my God, you can do
whatever you want to me.
Bye! Good night!
up by my Postmate before,
but it makes sense, because I
see Carlos F. almost every night.
Yeah, Carlos is cool.
Hey, man, the show is down here.
Right, right.
Um. so, uh, Carlos
mentioned that you...
Yes! And one!
I'm gonna go. If I wanted to be
treated badly at a wings place,
I'd go to the one by my
house where I don't tip.
Well...
Well, wait. I'm sorry.
The truth is, I haven't
been on a date in a while.
I'm a bit rusty.
And right now, we are in the
middle of a category five sports-icane.
What's a sports-icane?
It's a day when a bunch of great
sporting events happen at the same time.
I mean, we got a
game seven in the NHL,
LeBron versus Kobe,
and the biggest
MMA fight of all time,
Soto Diaz versus Diaz Soto.
I actually kind of like MMA. I think it's
cute when those guys 69 each other.
Here. Uh, come over here
and... And sit on my side,
I'll explain everything. And uh,
I'll be so busy yammering away
that you can have all the wings.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, that is very interesting.
I did not know that
they held sporting events
at Madison Square Garden.
I thought that's just
where Billy Joel lived.
So. Um, well, this is me.
You know, it started off bad,
but I had a really nice time.
I had a really nice time too.
It was fun, right? Mmm-hmm.
I mean, even though
you choked on a wing
and I had to give you
the Heimlich maneuver.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm just such a foodie.
No, I liked it.
I mean, I... I got to cop a
feel on the first date, you know.
Well, I have delivered you
safely to your apartment.
I'm not gonna make it
weird and ask to come in.
You can come in. I'd
love for you to come in.
Easy, tiger.
Maybe I've earned myself
a... A nighttime date?
Definitely.
Ugh, Morgan, I
had the best date.
He's cute, he made
sports tolerable,
he paid for three figures
worth of chicken wings.
See, I told you it's not impossible
to date as a single mother.
Oh, my God, I'm a mom!
I didn't tell him I have a kid!
Did you tell him about me?
No, of course not.
Okay, don't cry.
Come on. That's not...
Don't encourage him.
Hey guys, how do I tell a man
that I am dating that I have a kid?
How many children
does he have? None.
Well, then it doesn't matter how
you tell him, because it's over.
What?
I don't know. I think I would date
a woman with a child. Thank you.
A female child though. What?
Well, if it was a boy, it
would only be a matter of time
before he was big
enough to kill me.
Yeah, I could totally see
a little boy killing Dr. Reed.
Right? Yeah, for sure.
My God. You guys don't
know what you're talking about.
Kurt Russell got with Goldie
Hawn when she had two kids.
Well, with all due respect, Mindy
is no Goldie Hawn in Overboard.
How dare you!
I have fallen off
of several ships.
Hey man, you're out of line.
Yeah, this one has
a child, all right?
But maybe there's
something wrong with this guy.
He could be ugly,
or deformed, or
have a scarred penis.
No, stop. I thought you
were gonna say... Ew.
That it didn't matter because
Leo is such a great kid
and anyone would be
lucky to be around him.
Leo's okay.
All right, that sucked.
Honest. Just honest.
Colette, you need to get
your ass in there and fix this!
I am all in! If you
bail on me I'm ruined!
Hey, what the hell
is going on in here?
Beverly's trying to sleep
out there. Sorry. All right.
Okay, okay, listen.
Colette and I have decided
to move in together.
Mmm-hmm. And
now this one is bailing.
I know, I just...
I have a hard time telling my
brother that I got to move out
'cause he's really
protective of me.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that you
were gonna have to have
a difficult conversation with
your brother... Thank you.
I'm so sorry. Because I
went to see my grandmother...
The woman who saw me through
prison and my soda addiction,
and I told her, "I'm out
of here, you old bitch."
Why would you do that?
'Cause I was hopped up on
Sprite 'cause I'm using again.
Hey, Colette. Yes?
Forget Jody, where
do you want to live?
With Morgan,
with all of my heart.
He's my friend and we
wear the same Crocs size.
Okay, I was trying
to give you a way out.
But if that's really how
you feel, and again,
I find that very
hard to believe,
then you need to
talk to your brother.
You're right.
Hey, I need to talk to
you about something.
I have a kid.
And I know that
it's a deal breaker.
So, I'm just gonna take my food
and eat in the ladies'
room on the toilet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold
on, hold on, wait, wait, wait.
Can we maybe sit down? We've got,
like, 30 more plates of tapas coming.
I, uh... Please?
Okay. Okay.
All right.
Guess what?
I like kids. Really?
Look, we're both in our 30s.
We have our histories.
I mean, I was engaged
once, didn't work out.
Oh, my God, I was engaged too.
That's where my kid is from.
It's actually kind
of a sexy story.
We were in the alley, next to a
dumpster behind the Bubba Gump
just kind of going at it...
Cool, yeah, do you maybe
have any stories that don't involve
you having unprotected
sex with another man?
Yes. Once, I got a turtleneck caught
over my head in a changing room
and, uh, they had to
call the fire department.
It made national news. Wow.
Good morning, coworkers.
Look out. Here she comes.
Everybody be nice,
she just got dumped.
Uh, would a guy who's
dumping me give me
five minutes of
tongue last night?
Wait... What? He knows you
have a son and he's still interested?
By God, hold onto him, Mindy,
like a flagpole in a tornado.
Guys, check this out!
He's taking me to a
wedding this weekend.
A wedding? On your third date?
No, that's too fast.
No, he'll see how you
dance or how you eat shrimp!
Oh, God, this thing's over.
Oh, my God, what is
everyone's problem?
You're worried
he doesn't like her,
now you're worried
he likes her too much?
You should just
not care, like me.
Thank you, Tamra. Thank you.
Jody, you know I'm grateful for
everything that you've done for me,
and I love you. And I
love you too, Colette.
That's why I am so
happy that we live together.
Uh, yeah, uh,
but aren't we lucky that we
get to work together too, right?
Yes. So even if we
didn't live together,
we'd still see each
other, like, all the time.
Well, I don't really consider
this you-and-me time.
But I'm okay with that,
because we live together.
I'm moving out!
Yeah, Morgan and I
are gonna be roommates.
What? Mmm-hmm.
Why?
I just wanna try being more
independent, you know?
Well, all right. I guess...
I guess that's that.
So, you're okay with this?
Well, doesn't really matter.
Once a Kimball-Kinney's
made up their mind,
that horse is as good as glue.
Thank you. Thank you, bro.
I love you.
Oh, I... I love you too.
Best brother ever!
Oh, best sister...
Best brother ever!
You! Argh! A man could wish for.
Morgan, would you
come to my office, please?
Hey!
I understand that
you and my sister
are gonna be living together.
Okay, she told you.
Yes.
It's not like I'm replacing you.
I'm just...
Kind of taking the place of you.
That's great.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Find me an empty box.
Oh, God, yeah,
nothing beats a nice box.
Good. And then grab all
the effects from your desk
and put them in the
box because you're fired.
Got it.
Oh, God, I hope we're not
too late to get good seats.
I need my own hymnal.
I actually want to
floss with the ribbon.
I don't think we have to worry.
I know people.
Oh, my gosh, it's Mindy.
We are so excited to meet you.
Oh, hi. Thank you so much.
This happens all the time.
I actually review
cereal on YouTube.
I'm Janice.
Thank you so much for
tuning in. Keep crunchin'.
Um. No. Mindy, uh,
this is not one of your
YouTube followers. Um...
This is my mom.
Oh. Oh! Oh, my gosh.
It's so nice to meet
you, Mrs. Green.
I didn't know you
were gonna be here.
Yeah, my whole family's here.
Why are they here?
Because it's my
brother's wedding!
Surprise! What now?
Oh, uh, we're starting.
Uh, have a seat.
I'll be right back.
I'm the best man.
Wow, your husband
killed a lot of Nazis.
Yeah, you know, I don't
have much time left,
and the fact that my Bryant
found you gives me great comfort.
Hold up. Bryant, with
a "T"? Mmm-hmm.
Hey, uh, babe, have
you tried this salad?
It's got candied walnuts in it.
I haven't and I actually
wanted to ask you...
Oh, oh, oh, the slideshow
is about to start. Okay.
Ohhh!
Oh, my God.
That's us!
Bryan-t, that photo is
from the cocktail hour.
Yeah, look, I know this does seem
like it's moving a bit fast and, hell,
I wish my brother's wedding
was like, six months from now.
But I knew that when I
looked back at these photos
that I'd want you in them.
That's sweet.
Oh, we have to give our toast.
Okay. All right. Let's do this.
I... I have to...
I'm... Okay, okay.
Oh, God. Why don't you
watch where you're going?
God, it reeks.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've
been here for days.
Get up. Get up. Ah!
God. What is going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on.
Let me paint you a picture
of an honest, hard-working,
American immigrant,
doing his job 9-to-5,
and one day, the powers that
be say, "Morgan, you're fired."
Oh, Morgan, so what.
You know that we fire
you every couple months
'cause we don't wanna have
to contribute to your 401k.
Uh, yeah, I know, but guess
what? This time, I wasn't rehired!
Wait, who did this?
I'm not gonna say who
did it 'cause I don't dime,
but his name starts with a
"J" and it ends with a "Y".
It was him.
I didn't fire Morgan.
Now that I think about
it, there's two people
with the name "J"
and ending in "Y".
Sorry, Jeremy.
What a waste of time.
I should have said Jody.
Jody?
Oh, hey, you cannot
fire Morgan, all right?
He's a good nurse, and we need
his Jack Nicholson impression
for the hospital skit night.
Yeah, you do.
Hey, you have to let
Colette do her own thing.
She's a grown woman, Jody.
She's 28.48? 38?
Okay, you know, I can't
tell with that one. Yeah.
Would you want your little
brother to live with Morgan?
Of course! Absolutely not.
Because you would
suspect that his apartment
is just an extension
of Morgan himself.
Loud and rotting
from the inside.
Hey, my inside rot has
nothing to do with this.
Talk to this man, please.
Okay, all right, all right.
Look, Jody, you and I both know
that this place probably sucks.
What? No, I can hear you.
It's good. I'm telling you,
it has wall-to-wall floor!
And that's what I'm telling
him. I gotta do it my own way.
All right, fine.
For whatever reason,
your sister wants this.
So, you can at least take an
hour and go out and look at it.
Fine. Then at least
I can say I tried.
I'll look at it. Thank you.
Yeah!
Hey, Dr. L. How was the wedding?
You didn't do the worm, did you?
I did and his
grandparents loved it.
Why were his grandparents there?
Because it was his
brother's wedding.
Hey, did you hear about Morgan
and Colette wanting to live together?
Hold up. Back, back.
Your third date was
his brother's wedding?
Okay Dr. L, you know I was on
Team Eh-Give-This-A-Chance,
but I think I'm switching to Team
Nuh-Uh-This-Bryan-Guy-Is-Weird.
Actually, his name is Bryant.
That's another cool thing I
learned from this weekend.
Why would a normal, good-looking
guy want to move so fast?
You're not going anywhere.
Tamra, what do you want from me?
When you're a single mom, which
you will never be because that is racist,
it's not like there's guys
pounding on your door.
But you have to at least
do your research on the guy.
I tried. His name is too common.
There's a million Bryan Greens
and most of them are just pictures
of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox
sunbathing in the nude.
I mean, we could look at those.
Did you look up Bryant Green?
Because apparently,
he was engaged
to a woman named Theresa
and they never got married.
Yeah, I know, he told me that.
Yeah, well did he tell you they
just broke it off two months ago?
Oh, my God, Tamra.
I'm still wearing nail
polish from two months ago.
Yeah, we're gonna have
to get to the bottom of this
and we're gonna go
straight to the source.
Okay.
This right here is
the media room.
Probably gonna take
out that wall, that wall,
I would take out
the ceiling maybe.
And it's super safe!
There's smoke
detectors in all the rooms,
locks on all the doors.
Now, locks can be dangerous.
What if you fall
asleep on the toilet?
Wouldn't be the first time.
We'll take the
lock off the door.
Yeah, we'll take
the door off the wall.
Also, I'll be in there
with her probably.
Yeah. Brushing my teeth.
Well, I can't say I'm wild
about the neighborhood.
Awful lot of shawarma carts,
but I can see you want this.
I say, "Yea."
Hey, high five me!
All right, all right.
- Oh, you know what this means?
- Housewarming party!
Oh, oh, well, perhaps I could take you
out for pizza and a Coca-Cola to celebrate.
Oh, God, I gotta... I gotta
pack and there's so much to do.
Of course. Of course. I'll just go
home, make myself a little salad.
Okay. Do you remember
Spuds MacKenzie?
So I'll be going then.
Oh, my God, yeah.
I have like, 30, posters.
Thank you, Dr. K.
Bye, bro. Uh...
We can have, like, a bunch
of Kathy Irelands just, like...
Or, like, a rug...
I don't think this is
a good idea, Tamra.
Confronting Bryant's
ex at her place of work?
Well, of course it's a bad
idea, if we're Mindy and Tamra.
But we're not, we're
Isabella and Barb.
Am I Barb? I know that I'm Barb.
Oh, my God, Tamra, this woman
is a big time venture capitalist.
Look at this place.
If security comes,
I'm gonna run.
I'm not getting tased again. That
cannot be good for me long-term.
You're not gonna get
tased. Just let me handle this.
We're Isabella and
Barb van Amsterdam.
We're here to pitch a
business idea to Theresa Miller.
Uh, do you have an appointment?
We don't have an appointment,
just an incredible opportunity.
It's a line of nude underwear.
I'm sorry, she's very busy.
Of course, yeah.
Nude underwear
for women of color!
Oh. One moment please.
Okay, so right now, the industry
standard for flesh-colored underwear
is somewhere between
Kate and Rooney Mara.
It's like every morning
when I wake up,
my underwear drawer is
telling me I'm not important.
That is the most empowering
underwear pitch I've heard today.
I'd love to invest.
Well, we need to know
a little bit more about you.
Well, we're a mid-level firm
with investments ranging from...
Not so much about your firm,
more about your personal life.
Have you ever been engaged?
What was the guy like?
Who ended it? You or him?
Wait, I know you from somewhere.
Have you ever cleaned my house?
What's that, bitch? Oh, wait!
You're dating Bryant.
Oh, my God, that's me!
I had fallen asleep
during Spotlight.
I hope those nosy journalists
got what they deserved.
And long. I'm doing
much better now.
I actually met somebody. I hope
seeing me with another woman
doesn't give you second thoughts
about your decision to end things.
Love, Bryant.
Oh, shit.
Okay, I feel that I have
been misrepresented.
Bryant and I have only
been on three dates.
I'm beginning to think this
isn't about venture capital.
No, no, no, this is all a
part of our vetting process.
So, what happened
between you and Bryant?
Well, we started
dating freshman year.
When he proposed, I
said yes and then I realized
he was the only
person I'd ever dated.
And I wanted to see
what else was out there,
so I broke up with him.
Oh, so now Bryant's
trying to prove to everyone
that he's moved on. So
he'll just date any old thing.
Okay, I thought that
Bryant liked me for me,
not just because I was a
souped-up version of his ex.
No offense. I
gotta go talk to him.
Come on, Tamra. Let's go.
Take the waters.
Try some carrots. Dug them out
of the earth this morning. Go nuts.
I've never thrown
a party before,
but I think this
party is awesome.
I think it stinks.
This 8th grade jazz band
you hired, they play two songs.
Okay? I can't hear
The Pink Panther again.
Talk to them, please. All right.
Well, they have a lot of pizazz.
Okay, well, I can't
hear that song again.
It's making me crazy.
Hello, everybody. Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Hi.
That's what you're wearing?
Okay, I don't need
this. Oh, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
This is supposed to
be, like, a classy party.
Like, I'm wearing... I'm
wearing matching vest and pants.
It's not that great. Well, it's better
than what Dr. Reed's wearing,
which is... It's like
straight up gym clothes.
Morgan, your
apartment's really nice.
Not a million dogs everywhere,
I don't see any
garbage. Aw, thanks.
The dogs are in their room,
they're watching Beethoven's 2nd
starring Charles Grodin.
Dr. L, we need to talk.
Your boyfriend was
the first person here
and immediately broke
a chip in the salsa.
Didn't even fish it out!
Wait, he came? Mmm-hmm.
To this? Yeah.
Yeah, at, like, 4:00. We
were still in our bathrobe.
Oh, my God.
There's my girl.
I love your friends.
Jeremy and I made plans to go for
a walk when the weather gets nice.
Uh, okay. This is weird.
I have to talk to you. Come
on. Come on. Let's go. What?
Oh, for God's sakes.
Okay. Hey.
Sit down, sit.
Excuse me, Puffball.
Hey, hey. What?
Why are you here?
Um, because it's my girlfriend's
co-worker's housewarming party?
I'm not gonna miss that.
No, listen, I know that you
were engaged two months ago.
I met Theresa.
You met Tess?
How's she doing?
She looked awfully sunburned
in those Instagram photos
from her girls' trip to Cancun.
Okay, her tan was obviously
perfect, like, ooh-la-la.
I think you still
have feelings for her.
No, I don't.
No, I'm totally over her.
I just follow her on social media to
see what a loser she's turned into.
Okay, listen, Bryant,
nothing would make me happier
than if a successful,
handsome guy like you
were actually interested in me.
But you're not.
I think you are still
in love with your ex.
And listen, I've been there.
But fast-tracking our
relationship is not gonna help you.
But how am I supposed to
find someone as good as Tess?
What if settling for
you is my best shot?
Okay, we're both nines, so
I take issue with your logic,
but I'm not gonna sit here and help
some good-looking guy in their 30s
lament their dating
prospects in New York City.
I'm actually about to turn 30.
Okay. How dare you.
How dare you be
in your late 20s.
Meanwhile, I'm 35 with a
kid and a bad personality.
I'm never gonna date again.
Okay, I guess you should go.
Okay.
Bye.
I just want to say, a lot of people
thought this wasn't even possible.
- But we did it.
- We did it.
No, no, no!
Cinnamon has ringworm!
Keep playing. This is not
what you're getting paid for.
No, no, no, don't
touch those dogs!
Keep that adorable
bastard away from me.
Oh! Hey, everybody... Hey!
My brother's here!
So, whoever is sitting
in the good chair, get up!
What's up, bro?
Listen, I wanted to thank
you for your patience with me
as I adjust to
this new situation.
Change is difficult for me.
Well, I appreciate it, and you're
welcome here any time, bro.
We can have a sleepover
and prank call girls we like!
Well, I don't know that
we need the sleepover
as I have rented
a place upstairs.
What?
Yes, last night, as I was taking
soup in the second dining room alone,
I realized this is too
much space for one man.
No freaking way!
Colette, language. God!
This is just what I
was worried about!
I'm fine.
You're the one with the
problem, you know that?
We shouldn't be living
together at our age.
You know that Grey
Gardens runs in our family!
Honestly, I think that you
use living with me as an excuse
to avoid a real
adult relationship.
And take your stupid wine.
I don't know how to open it.
Colette!
Hmm.
All right, guys, go
in that direction.
Uh, guys, do me a favor,
something up-tempo and fun.
One, two, three, four...
Not that!
Mmm.
Thank you so much
for this ice cream.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I understand you
love your hot fudge.
Mmm-hmm.
Listen, about what
Colette said earlier,
I am not scared to live
alone. Because I am not alone.
I have a stuffed
owl in my study.
Thank you.
And Murgatroyd
and I will be fine.
So...
Okay, totally. I
believe you, Jody.
Actually, won't it be kind of
easier to bring home women
now that you're not
living with your sister?
I beg your pardon?
You know, now you can
be as loud as you want.
You know, when
you're having sex.
You can be like, "Oh,
waitress I just met!"
"Oh. I'm close! Hit
me!" Stop. Stop it.
"Hit me. I'm coming round
the mountain!" Stop it!
This is my neighborhood.
Jessica Seinfeld
lives right there!
Jerry Seinfeld lives there?
Yeah, well... No soup for you!
Please, I beg you.
I beg you. Please stop. Okay.
I don't know how
Bryant puts up with you.
He actually doesn't
put up with me anymore.
We broke up.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's fine.
I'm just starting to feel like
the only way a normal guy
would be interested in
me is if he were crazy.
No, no, Mindy, that is not true.
Yes, you dress
like the Hamburglar.
Yes, you eat burgers
like the Hamburglar,
but I'm not worried
about you, Mindy Lahiri.
You're gonna be just fine.
Thank you.
Well, this is my house.
This is where you live? Yeah.
I thought this was
the Iraqi embassy.
This whole building?
Just the third floor.
The sundeck is communal,
but A-Rod is always out there.
What the hell is
wrong with Colette?
I wanna live there!
Well, you wanna spend the night?
In a guest bedroom, of course.
Uh... There are eight of them.
You have eight bedrooms?
Oh, my God, you can do
whatever you want to me.
Bye! Good night!