The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 16 - So You Think You Can Finance - full transcript
When Mindy realizes she doesn't have her financial affairs in order, she goes to Jeremy's ex, Whitney, to help clean up her mess.
In short, please ignore the
construction noises from upstairs.
And finally, um, a little thing,
my new girlfriend's
popping for a visit.
Ooh! Oh!
Honk! Honk! Honk!
Stop it. You're awful.
That's inappropriate.
Um, her name's Juliet,
and when she comes
I'd appreciate if you were
all on your best behavior.
Uh, you never told me
you had a new girlfriend
and we tell each other
everything. We're best-os!
Please, treat her with the
same respect you would treat me.
Actually, no. Tamra.
The same respect you show Tamra.
That's fair.
Oh!
I can't hear anything
you're saying, Jeremy,
over this construction
noise from upstairs.
What are they even building?
A Sephora? Oh, my God.
Screw this. I'm
gonna go work there.
Uh, no, it's a hedge fund.
Does no one read my
building newsletter?
I read Tamra's fashion
section and I'm always a "Don't."
Oh!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! I'm all wet!
Brace yourselves. It's time
to preoccupy Wall Street.
Excuse me, sir? Would you mind
telling me where the manager is?
She's right over there.
Oh, hello, boys.
I almost didn't recognize
you. You both look much older.
Whitney? You're the new tenant?
No, this is all an
elaborate prank show.
Dax Shepard, get in here!
I get it. You moved into the
building in a ploy to win me back.
Well, you're too late. I've got a
girlfriend and everyone's pretty excited.
You have a
girlfriend? Okay, I just...
Oh, right, we used to date.
Oh. Purple!
No, we've started
a new hedge fund.
You started a hedge
fund? Mmm-hmm.
That's awesome.
You're the ones that kicked
those lousy artists out of Manhattan.
Thank you. Well, this is what I
think of your glossy brochure.
They don't rip. They're
printed on leather.
We've got money to burn.
Listen, sugar, I'm all
for female entrepreneurs.
I saw part of Joy on a plane.
But your little business poured
water all over our breakfast spread.
Yeah, my breasts were
visible underneath my clothing.
It was very
distracting for the men.
You know, it's true!
And now I can see up
her skirt and it ain't pretty.
You love it!
Okay, well, relax. It's only
gonna be 14 weeks, and then
I'm going to have to listen to
all of your screaming babies.
Whoa, checkmate.
You know what, we're
gonna get out of your hair.
I just wanna say that
this has been really cool.
Oh. Yeah.
Mindy, can you stop being so nice
to the woman who cheated on me.
With me!
I don't remember that. Must
not have meant much to me.
But whatever the damage
is, just send me the bill.
Okay? Rick. Sam.
Dr. L, take like two
steps forward please.
Oh, so you can look at my
nethers? I don't think so, pal.
It's my birthday.
Is it, Is it your
birthday? Absolutely!
No, it doesn't matter
that it's his birthday.
No. Come on.
Everyone's seen it but
me. That's discrimination.
Mindy, I think our office needs
a makeover. It's too feminine.
Our furniture is RuPaul for
Crate and Barrel. She's a man!
I think a more
masculine waiting room
would let the patients know there
is a man behind this operation.
It'll put 'em at ease.
I think of myself as
very masculine, but...
Mmm-hmm. Fine.
What about a nice
grandfather clock?
We could go shopping
for it tomorrow night.
Uh, sure. I can go shopping with
you. I'll just put it on my To-Do list.
Uh, pardon me.
Are you writing that
on the back of an
un-deposited paycheck?
Yes, but, "Deposit
checks" is on my To-Do list.
Mindy, your desk is covered
in un-deposited paychecks.
Okay, don't be dramatic.
My desk is covered in crumbs.
It is littered in
un-deposited paychecks.
But this could literally
fly out the window.
You're a strong breeze
away from bankruptcy.
How could you be so
irresponsible with your money?
Because I've never had
to take care of it before.
My dad used to
do this stuff for me
and then Danny
took it over from him.
And now that Danny's
gone, I guess I just
stopped thinking about it.
Well, do you have any investments?
Financial goals? A retirement plan?
My retirement plan is to sing
on a cruise ship. You know this.
It's not just your future
you're thinking of now.
If I had a young son,
which a recent
test proved I do not,
I'd make sure all my
money was working for me.
My finances, grandfather clocks,
how many old man lectures
must be endured today?
I apologize.
Please enjoy a Werther's.
Thanks. See you tonight.
You're gonna love
exquisite timepieces.
Hey, guys?
You don't all have
your financial futures
mapped out like a
bunch of nerds, right?
Hell, no. Planning for
the future is depressing.
Exactly. Thank you, Colette.
Well, plus, I'm
a trust fund kid.
All I have to do is take
my grandma's ashes
to Niagara Falls every
year and I get a big fat check.
I keep all my money
in a mutual fund.
And I found a bone
in my backyard
that belongs to a
T. rex, so I'm good.
What?
Come on. Come on.
Well, I have enough money
to last the rest of my life.
Which my doctor says,
could be up to three years. Oh!
Nice! Yeah!
You know who could maybe
help me out? Whitney! You know?
She seems like
she's good at money
and she wears suits like a man.
Whitney? Are you mad?
Think of the holes she ripped
in both our ceiling and my heart.
Yeah, and isn't she a cokehead?
Yeah, cocaine,
"The rich man's drug."
Call me when it's meth.
Look, just go to a bookstore and
buy a book on financial planning.
Maybe they have one of
those, um, Simpleton's Guides.
Oh! That's how I
learned how to use eBay.
And you are great
at eBay. Oh, yeah.
Look at this, just
bought this bad boy.
Six bucks.
Hello. I'm looking
for Jeremy Reed?
Oh, you must be his Aunt Imogen.
I thought you were lost at sea.
Hello, Juliet.
I see everybody's
met my new girlfriend.
This is your new girlfriend?
"Girlfriend's"
such a small word.
Have you Americans a term
for someone whose soul
has blended into your own?
Aw... Grandma.
Uh, such a striking couple.
Such contrasts.
How did this come to be?
In our theater group.
We were doing the Scottish play.
Yes, Shrek the Musical.
I received raves as
Gingerbread Man.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we
have a lunch date. Shall we?
Yes.
Huh, huh?
Uh...
How did other
people react to that?
I thought it was cool,
and when Shrek the Musical
comes to my town, first in line.
But, uh, didn't Juliet seem
a little old? Jody!
You are old as hell.
When we were little, I thought
you were, like, my secret dad,
not my brother, and
I'm still not convinced.
I've never been so
offended in my life.
I'm pushing 70, and you pervs can't
stop undressing me with your eyes.
That's what we
all say to be nice.
Like, how we say nurses are
just as important as doctors.
Hey! What?
Which is true though.
So it's gross when a younger
man dates an older woman,
but when Robert De Niro takes
me to dinner, everyone's cool with it?
Well, once again, I can see that I'm the
only one brave enough to speak the truth.
This relationship is weird,
and if Donald Trump was
president, it could be fun.
There. I said it.
Don't worry, Leo. Your
mom has everything we need
to make sure our
lives are in order.
A Mexican energy drink
and a Suze Orman book.
Let's check this out.
All right, girlfriend,
time to get your
money act together... Mmm-hmm.
Answer a few questions
for me. Mmm-hmm.
One. How old do you
want to be when you retire?
I'm 26 now. Maybe 30?
Are you kidding
me? Let's get real.
If you answered
anything less than 65,
you'd better be
seriously loaded.
Huh? What? Have you
maxed out your Roth 401?
Do you have any credit
card debt? Who dat?
What's your FICO
score? Is this English?
Do you have at
least an eight month...
What the hell are
you saying? Ah!
Leo, I did not get
that book at all.
It was like Tom Hardy
was saying it to me.
Oh, Leo, what're we gonna do?
Hmm.
Hey, Whitney...
Oh, oh.
You could put a
sign on this glass.
There's a giant door.
I told you that there is nothing
I can do about the noise.
No, that's not why I'm here.
Whitney.
Oh, my...
I need you to fix my life.
So, as you can see, I am
completely overwhelmed financially.
I just need someone
to be my money guy.
So you want a magical
person to pay all of your bills,
keep track of your spending,
and do all the basic things
that most people
do for themselves?
Yes, exactly.
That's what you do,
right? No, not at all.
I run a hedge
fund for billionaires.
Look around.
Look at this office.
Look at that view.
Are you kidding me?
The buy in alone is $10 million
or a blood diamond this big.
Hey, Whit, bunch of us are
going to Shoot and Rally's
to get our sniff on. Oh, um...
You know what?
Actually, Gabe, I'm good.
I'm just gonna sit here, and I'm
gonna make the NASDAQ my bitch.
Have fun.
Are you chained to your desk?
Shh, shut up! Keep it
down. My God. Okay.
I recently got sober,
and this keeps me from
going out with my coworkers.
Nobody here knows
that I am sober.
Oh. Yeah, they will think
that I've lost my
edge. It sucks.
I cannot do drugs,
and I have no friends.
I could be your friend.
I never do drugs.
Tried to buy them once
and the drug dealer was like,
"I don't sell to dorks,"
and I looked around
and I was like,
"Where's the dork?"
He was talking about me.
Okay, how about this, I'm
gonna be your money guy.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
And I never have to
think about this again?
You just leave it here,
and I will take care of it.
But also, what are you doing
tonight? We should hang out.
Oh, um, I have plans to
buy a clock with a co-worker.
You know what? I'll bail on them
because you are
helping me out. Yes!
Mindy? Hey, I'm sorry,
I can't go shopping for
clocks with you tonight.
What? I'm already
in the Tinkers District.
Why, why can't you come?
I'm, uh, hanging
out with a person.
Oh, uh. Like a date?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Look, I'm sure whatever
grandfather clock you pick out
will be perfect. Just, can
you try to get a digital one?
I find the hands
very hard to read.
Okay, but...
Juliet, parting is
such sweet sorrow.
I can't wait for you
to meet my parents.
Where, the cemetery?
Bye. See you later.
I am a lucky guy.
There are so few men
like that in New York.
Yes. In fact, there are zero.
That's what I have been saying.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I used to think Dr. Reed was a
creep, but he's such a good guy.
Tamra, if they break
up or she passes away,
let me know?
Mmm-hmmm. Excuse me.
Fun sleepover,
Mindy. MINDY: I know.
We cyberbullied
Morgan on Facebook.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Oh, tonight, um,
you know, I'm not sure
that... I forgot to tell you.
I put all of your
bills on auto pay,
so from now on, you don't
ever have to think about it again.
Never have to
think about it again?
Like that mouse I
trapped in my oven?
Mmm-hmmm. Thank you, Whitney.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.
And, you know what? Sure.
Why don't we hang out tonight?
How is 9:00?
Uh, 5:00 works better
for me given my situation,
you know, because 5:10
is the 4:20 of cocaine.
Oh, yeah, of course.
All right, see you then. Bye.
Hey, come on in. Great.
Be here all night.
Oh, my God!
Oh, come in. Great.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey! Ah!
Good morning. Guess what?
Can't sleep at your desk, all right?
I was up all night being
cyberbullied. Again, all right?
And you don't see me
sleeping at my desk.
I'm sorry, Morgan.
I've just been very
social this week.
Yeah, we all know you've been getting
wiener-ed six ways to Sunday, and thank you
for telling Dr. K
about it and not me.
My cyberbully's
right. I am a loser.
Wait, I'm not getting wiener-ed.
Oh. Okay.
That is the lie I told Jody, because
really, I've been hanging out with Whitney.
Whitney? She's a drug addict!
Okay, she doesn't
do drugs anymore
because she's addicted
to hanging out with me.
Which, like, who isn't?
But I need a break.
Yeah, boundaries are important.
That's why I stopped
tickling patients.
Morgan, I don't think
that this conversation
is a good use of
my time. It ain't.
I have a lot of
work to do and...
Oh, my God!
That is what I
should tell Whitney.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Wish my cyberbully
could have seen this.
Well, how refreshing.
You showed up for a commitment.
I guess the Gonzales
hysterectomy is more important
than grandfather clock shopping.
You're still mad about that?
It happened a week ago.
Look, Jody, I'm sorry.
How'd it go? Well,
it was humiliating.
Heinrich was expecting two
people, so he wouldn't buzz me in.
I could see him
through the window
but you were busy on your date.
Yes. Yeah, my
date. I was on a date.
Well, tell me about the guy.
What's he do? Um, he's a...
He's a flight attendant. A
heterosexual flight attendant
for, um, Zoom Airlines.
It doesn't matter.
It's not serious.
Beginning to wonder whether
you take anything seriously.
What is that supposed to mean?
You're a mother. Your finances
are a mess. You don't seem to care.
You renege on
social commitments.
You're only focused on hooking
up with this playboy flight attendant
on some dangerous
sounding new airline.
Dude, watch your
lather. Well, I'm sorry,
but I am frustrated right now.
I'm trying to help you become
a more responsible person.
You insist on
doing the opposite.
Well, if my life stresses
you out so much, Jody,
maybe you should just
care about it a little less.
Oh. Like, I don't care about you
with your stupid
grandfather clock.
I knew it! Yeah, they're dumb.
They cost a million dollars and
an app on my phone is better.
Now shut up and help
me take out a uterus.
Mindy?
Damn it.
Oh, Gabe, hey!
Sorry to interrupt. It's
Mindy from the other day.
You were checking me out? Mmm...
You were. Have you
seen Whitney anywhere?
I think she's in the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
Like, in the bathroom
or, like, in the bathroom?
I don't know what that means, but
Whitney's in the bathroom doing coke.
Oh, my God. Okay, thanks.
Whitney? I know you're in here.
Whitney?
What, did you sleepwalk here 'cause
you're too exhausted to hang out?
Okay, one last sniff
of drugs, and that is it.
God, just get, get in here.
Okay...
Will you shut up? I
am not doing drugs.
Yeah, right. I've seen movies.
I know where you're
keeping your stash.
It's in a little
vial up your butt.
I'm gonna find it. Hey, hey!
There is nothing
up my butt, okay?
I am in here pretending
to do cocaine,
but really, I am doing Sudoku,
which everyone
says is addictive,
and, uh, it is not.
Okay, then this is crazy.
You chain yourself to your desk,
you are hiding in
a bathroom stall...
Yeah. You're hanging out with me
obsessively just
to avoid your life.
Excuse me. You're
the one who came to me
with a shoebox asking me
to take care of your finances
because you have run
out of men to do it for you.
That's not true.
What is so hard about
taking care of
your own finances?
Are you that lazy? I'm not lazy.
I just...
I love bear claws.
What?
I know that the minute I
log in to my bank account
I am going to see that every day
I spend $5 on a
coffee and a bear claw.
When I know that I could
just have a packet of oatmeal
and that would be much cheaper.
And all of that money on bear
claws could be better spent
on my son's education
or my retirement.
So, yeah, Whitney, I
don't wanna look at it,
'cause it reminds me that
every single decision I make
is as a single mom, and
this isn't what I planned.
You have two bear
claws every morning.
Yeah, I know.
But, um, you know, I
looked at your finances,
and I actually think
you're gonna be fine.
Really? Yeah.
I'm rich? I can
buy a lobster tank
like in a restaurant?
No, stupid.
I think it would add a lot
of value to my apartment.
No. Let's... Let's
get out of here.
Yeah, and go tell those
losers that you're sober.
Uh, Juliet, right?
It's Jody Kimball-Kinney.
Hi. You're Jeremy's
co-worker. Yeah.
Are you the one who eats trash?
No, that's Morgan.
And Beverly. And Mindy.
Actually, that's
quite troubling.
Uh, may I sit? Of course.
So Jeremy is quite
taken with you.
I've never heard your story.
Are you a widow of
a railroad magnate?
You know, set to
leave your fortune
to a handsome younger
man who is kind to you?
Look, I get what this is about.
Yes, I'm a lot
older than Jeremy.
But we really love each other.
With all due respect,
that can't possibly be true.
When one envisions
an ideal couple,
it's only one thing, a
blushing young girl,
and a leathery older man.
It's universal, from
Pygmies to the Inuits,
to Woody Allen and Miley Cyrus.
Let me ask you,
Dr. Kimball-Kinney,
are you in a relationship?
Whoa. We're getting
awfully personal.
But to answer your question,
no, I am not, by my own choice.
I have been busy with work
and, you know, what with
all the new shows and...
Well, maybe your problem is
that the person who
makes you happy
is the opposite of
what you're used to.
Next stop, Union Square.
By the way, I think
I'm younger than you.
Dr. Reed! Nurse Jen!
Ugh, get out of here!
You're cheating, Dr. Reed?
Who do you think you are, me?
It's not what it looks like.
I knew something
was up. I knew it.
You know, before Juliet,
all the nurses thought
you were a British creep
with a tanning addiction.
Then they saw you
with an older woman
and they were like,
"Oh, Dr. Reed's so sweet
"and not shallow. He's hot now."
Fine! I hated my reputation,
and I would've done
anything to change it.
Except modify my behavior.
What about that poor old lady?
Hasn't she been through enough?
She's lived through,
like, 40 wars.
Well, actually I'm, I'm
kind of paying Juliet
to play my girlfriend.
But it's kinda noble,
if you think about it.
There are so few great
roles for women her age.
Oh, please. Helen
Mirren be everywhere.
You know, the worst part
about this is that Dr. K was right.
Dear Mindy,
it was extremely
inconsiderate of you
to cancel plans
with me last minute.
I was forced to have
the loneliest dinner.
The pizzeria's name, Uno,
was all too appropriate.
That said, I think I
owe you an apology.
I should not have told
you that your life is a mess.
It is a mess. It's like
one of those stories
they use to scare
young Catholic girls
from going to a dance.
But you're handling it well.
Much better than I would.
So I'm sorry to presume
to know what is best for you.
I'm a man who
knows what he likes.
I've never really tried
much different from that.
But today, a magical old
woman told me something
that made me think
I could be wrong.
If you ever felt so inclined,
I'd like to take you out,
and not just to shop
for a grandfather clock.
Yours, Jody.
Jeremy, I owe you an apology.
I had a nice chat
with Juliet yesterday.
Such a lovely spirit.
Sure. She's fine.
Actually, at the time,
I couldn't understand
how someone like you could
be attracted to someone like her.
Actually, Jody, I kinda feel
terrible about something.
Well, so do I. For
not believing you.
Tell him you hired her,
and it was a sham to have
sex with hotter, younger women.
Pardon? Okay, fine.
Our relationship was
fake. Fake as my nails.
You don't love
Juliet? It is not real?
No, of course not.
Something like that
could never work.
Mmm. Oh.
No, no.
Oh.
Beverly, did you
take out the mail?
No.
But I did tell Morgan to do it.
Morgan?
When Beverly asked
you to take out the mail,
you got distracted and
you forgot as usual, right?
Of course, I always do. Ah.
But, you yelled at me so
much that I had nightmares.
So I mailed the
letter. Don't worry.
Your precious mail's on
the way to its intended.
No! Why?
Hi. Hey.
How are you doing with all that?
Do you need any
help? No, thank you.
As it turns out, I can
be my own money guy.
Good for you.
And my sponsor says
that I need to learn
to let people run
their own lives.
Uh, here. I brought
you something.
Oh, cool, a bear claw.
Yeah. Just one?
Yes. Which is enough.
Thank you. You're welcome.
You know, I realized
that bear claws are
not my real problem.
I spend most of my money on...
Pay Per View pornography. Yes.
Obviously can't curb that habit,
so I'm just gonna
give less to charity.
That's smart. Have a seat.
Why don't you
share this with me?
Are you sure? Yeah, I
have two more in my drawer.
Okay. Thank you.
Cheers.
construction noises from upstairs.
And finally, um, a little thing,
my new girlfriend's
popping for a visit.
Ooh! Oh!
Honk! Honk! Honk!
Stop it. You're awful.
That's inappropriate.
Um, her name's Juliet,
and when she comes
I'd appreciate if you were
all on your best behavior.
Uh, you never told me
you had a new girlfriend
and we tell each other
everything. We're best-os!
Please, treat her with the
same respect you would treat me.
Actually, no. Tamra.
The same respect you show Tamra.
That's fair.
Oh!
I can't hear anything
you're saying, Jeremy,
over this construction
noise from upstairs.
What are they even building?
A Sephora? Oh, my God.
Screw this. I'm
gonna go work there.
Uh, no, it's a hedge fund.
Does no one read my
building newsletter?
I read Tamra's fashion
section and I'm always a "Don't."
Oh!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! I'm all wet!
Brace yourselves. It's time
to preoccupy Wall Street.
Excuse me, sir? Would you mind
telling me where the manager is?
She's right over there.
Oh, hello, boys.
I almost didn't recognize
you. You both look much older.
Whitney? You're the new tenant?
No, this is all an
elaborate prank show.
Dax Shepard, get in here!
I get it. You moved into the
building in a ploy to win me back.
Well, you're too late. I've got a
girlfriend and everyone's pretty excited.
You have a
girlfriend? Okay, I just...
Oh, right, we used to date.
Oh. Purple!
No, we've started
a new hedge fund.
You started a hedge
fund? Mmm-hmm.
That's awesome.
You're the ones that kicked
those lousy artists out of Manhattan.
Thank you. Well, this is what I
think of your glossy brochure.
They don't rip. They're
printed on leather.
We've got money to burn.
Listen, sugar, I'm all
for female entrepreneurs.
I saw part of Joy on a plane.
But your little business poured
water all over our breakfast spread.
Yeah, my breasts were
visible underneath my clothing.
It was very
distracting for the men.
You know, it's true!
And now I can see up
her skirt and it ain't pretty.
You love it!
Okay, well, relax. It's only
gonna be 14 weeks, and then
I'm going to have to listen to
all of your screaming babies.
Whoa, checkmate.
You know what, we're
gonna get out of your hair.
I just wanna say that
this has been really cool.
Oh. Yeah.
Mindy, can you stop being so nice
to the woman who cheated on me.
With me!
I don't remember that. Must
not have meant much to me.
But whatever the damage
is, just send me the bill.
Okay? Rick. Sam.
Dr. L, take like two
steps forward please.
Oh, so you can look at my
nethers? I don't think so, pal.
It's my birthday.
Is it, Is it your
birthday? Absolutely!
No, it doesn't matter
that it's his birthday.
No. Come on.
Everyone's seen it but
me. That's discrimination.
Mindy, I think our office needs
a makeover. It's too feminine.
Our furniture is RuPaul for
Crate and Barrel. She's a man!
I think a more
masculine waiting room
would let the patients know there
is a man behind this operation.
It'll put 'em at ease.
I think of myself as
very masculine, but...
Mmm-hmm. Fine.
What about a nice
grandfather clock?
We could go shopping
for it tomorrow night.
Uh, sure. I can go shopping with
you. I'll just put it on my To-Do list.
Uh, pardon me.
Are you writing that
on the back of an
un-deposited paycheck?
Yes, but, "Deposit
checks" is on my To-Do list.
Mindy, your desk is covered
in un-deposited paychecks.
Okay, don't be dramatic.
My desk is covered in crumbs.
It is littered in
un-deposited paychecks.
But this could literally
fly out the window.
You're a strong breeze
away from bankruptcy.
How could you be so
irresponsible with your money?
Because I've never had
to take care of it before.
My dad used to
do this stuff for me
and then Danny
took it over from him.
And now that Danny's
gone, I guess I just
stopped thinking about it.
Well, do you have any investments?
Financial goals? A retirement plan?
My retirement plan is to sing
on a cruise ship. You know this.
It's not just your future
you're thinking of now.
If I had a young son,
which a recent
test proved I do not,
I'd make sure all my
money was working for me.
My finances, grandfather clocks,
how many old man lectures
must be endured today?
I apologize.
Please enjoy a Werther's.
Thanks. See you tonight.
You're gonna love
exquisite timepieces.
Hey, guys?
You don't all have
your financial futures
mapped out like a
bunch of nerds, right?
Hell, no. Planning for
the future is depressing.
Exactly. Thank you, Colette.
Well, plus, I'm
a trust fund kid.
All I have to do is take
my grandma's ashes
to Niagara Falls every
year and I get a big fat check.
I keep all my money
in a mutual fund.
And I found a bone
in my backyard
that belongs to a
T. rex, so I'm good.
What?
Come on. Come on.
Well, I have enough money
to last the rest of my life.
Which my doctor says,
could be up to three years. Oh!
Nice! Yeah!
You know who could maybe
help me out? Whitney! You know?
She seems like
she's good at money
and she wears suits like a man.
Whitney? Are you mad?
Think of the holes she ripped
in both our ceiling and my heart.
Yeah, and isn't she a cokehead?
Yeah, cocaine,
"The rich man's drug."
Call me when it's meth.
Look, just go to a bookstore and
buy a book on financial planning.
Maybe they have one of
those, um, Simpleton's Guides.
Oh! That's how I
learned how to use eBay.
And you are great
at eBay. Oh, yeah.
Look at this, just
bought this bad boy.
Six bucks.
Hello. I'm looking
for Jeremy Reed?
Oh, you must be his Aunt Imogen.
I thought you were lost at sea.
Hello, Juliet.
I see everybody's
met my new girlfriend.
This is your new girlfriend?
"Girlfriend's"
such a small word.
Have you Americans a term
for someone whose soul
has blended into your own?
Aw... Grandma.
Uh, such a striking couple.
Such contrasts.
How did this come to be?
In our theater group.
We were doing the Scottish play.
Yes, Shrek the Musical.
I received raves as
Gingerbread Man.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we
have a lunch date. Shall we?
Yes.
Huh, huh?
Uh...
How did other
people react to that?
I thought it was cool,
and when Shrek the Musical
comes to my town, first in line.
But, uh, didn't Juliet seem
a little old? Jody!
You are old as hell.
When we were little, I thought
you were, like, my secret dad,
not my brother, and
I'm still not convinced.
I've never been so
offended in my life.
I'm pushing 70, and you pervs can't
stop undressing me with your eyes.
That's what we
all say to be nice.
Like, how we say nurses are
just as important as doctors.
Hey! What?
Which is true though.
So it's gross when a younger
man dates an older woman,
but when Robert De Niro takes
me to dinner, everyone's cool with it?
Well, once again, I can see that I'm the
only one brave enough to speak the truth.
This relationship is weird,
and if Donald Trump was
president, it could be fun.
There. I said it.
Don't worry, Leo. Your
mom has everything we need
to make sure our
lives are in order.
A Mexican energy drink
and a Suze Orman book.
Let's check this out.
All right, girlfriend,
time to get your
money act together... Mmm-hmm.
Answer a few questions
for me. Mmm-hmm.
One. How old do you
want to be when you retire?
I'm 26 now. Maybe 30?
Are you kidding
me? Let's get real.
If you answered
anything less than 65,
you'd better be
seriously loaded.
Huh? What? Have you
maxed out your Roth 401?
Do you have any credit
card debt? Who dat?
What's your FICO
score? Is this English?
Do you have at
least an eight month...
What the hell are
you saying? Ah!
Leo, I did not get
that book at all.
It was like Tom Hardy
was saying it to me.
Oh, Leo, what're we gonna do?
Hmm.
Hey, Whitney...
Oh, oh.
You could put a
sign on this glass.
There's a giant door.
I told you that there is nothing
I can do about the noise.
No, that's not why I'm here.
Whitney.
Oh, my...
I need you to fix my life.
So, as you can see, I am
completely overwhelmed financially.
I just need someone
to be my money guy.
So you want a magical
person to pay all of your bills,
keep track of your spending,
and do all the basic things
that most people
do for themselves?
Yes, exactly.
That's what you do,
right? No, not at all.
I run a hedge
fund for billionaires.
Look around.
Look at this office.
Look at that view.
Are you kidding me?
The buy in alone is $10 million
or a blood diamond this big.
Hey, Whit, bunch of us are
going to Shoot and Rally's
to get our sniff on. Oh, um...
You know what?
Actually, Gabe, I'm good.
I'm just gonna sit here, and I'm
gonna make the NASDAQ my bitch.
Have fun.
Are you chained to your desk?
Shh, shut up! Keep it
down. My God. Okay.
I recently got sober,
and this keeps me from
going out with my coworkers.
Nobody here knows
that I am sober.
Oh. Yeah, they will think
that I've lost my
edge. It sucks.
I cannot do drugs,
and I have no friends.
I could be your friend.
I never do drugs.
Tried to buy them once
and the drug dealer was like,
"I don't sell to dorks,"
and I looked around
and I was like,
"Where's the dork?"
He was talking about me.
Okay, how about this, I'm
gonna be your money guy.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
And I never have to
think about this again?
You just leave it here,
and I will take care of it.
But also, what are you doing
tonight? We should hang out.
Oh, um, I have plans to
buy a clock with a co-worker.
You know what? I'll bail on them
because you are
helping me out. Yes!
Mindy? Hey, I'm sorry,
I can't go shopping for
clocks with you tonight.
What? I'm already
in the Tinkers District.
Why, why can't you come?
I'm, uh, hanging
out with a person.
Oh, uh. Like a date?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Look, I'm sure whatever
grandfather clock you pick out
will be perfect. Just, can
you try to get a digital one?
I find the hands
very hard to read.
Okay, but...
Juliet, parting is
such sweet sorrow.
I can't wait for you
to meet my parents.
Where, the cemetery?
Bye. See you later.
I am a lucky guy.
There are so few men
like that in New York.
Yes. In fact, there are zero.
That's what I have been saying.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I used to think Dr. Reed was a
creep, but he's such a good guy.
Tamra, if they break
up or she passes away,
let me know?
Mmm-hmmm. Excuse me.
Fun sleepover,
Mindy. MINDY: I know.
We cyberbullied
Morgan on Facebook.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Oh, tonight, um,
you know, I'm not sure
that... I forgot to tell you.
I put all of your
bills on auto pay,
so from now on, you don't
ever have to think about it again.
Never have to
think about it again?
Like that mouse I
trapped in my oven?
Mmm-hmmm. Thank you, Whitney.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.
And, you know what? Sure.
Why don't we hang out tonight?
How is 9:00?
Uh, 5:00 works better
for me given my situation,
you know, because 5:10
is the 4:20 of cocaine.
Oh, yeah, of course.
All right, see you then. Bye.
Hey, come on in. Great.
Be here all night.
Oh, my God!
Oh, come in. Great.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey! Ah!
Good morning. Guess what?
Can't sleep at your desk, all right?
I was up all night being
cyberbullied. Again, all right?
And you don't see me
sleeping at my desk.
I'm sorry, Morgan.
I've just been very
social this week.
Yeah, we all know you've been getting
wiener-ed six ways to Sunday, and thank you
for telling Dr. K
about it and not me.
My cyberbully's
right. I am a loser.
Wait, I'm not getting wiener-ed.
Oh. Okay.
That is the lie I told Jody, because
really, I've been hanging out with Whitney.
Whitney? She's a drug addict!
Okay, she doesn't
do drugs anymore
because she's addicted
to hanging out with me.
Which, like, who isn't?
But I need a break.
Yeah, boundaries are important.
That's why I stopped
tickling patients.
Morgan, I don't think
that this conversation
is a good use of
my time. It ain't.
I have a lot of
work to do and...
Oh, my God!
That is what I
should tell Whitney.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Wish my cyberbully
could have seen this.
Well, how refreshing.
You showed up for a commitment.
I guess the Gonzales
hysterectomy is more important
than grandfather clock shopping.
You're still mad about that?
It happened a week ago.
Look, Jody, I'm sorry.
How'd it go? Well,
it was humiliating.
Heinrich was expecting two
people, so he wouldn't buzz me in.
I could see him
through the window
but you were busy on your date.
Yes. Yeah, my
date. I was on a date.
Well, tell me about the guy.
What's he do? Um, he's a...
He's a flight attendant. A
heterosexual flight attendant
for, um, Zoom Airlines.
It doesn't matter.
It's not serious.
Beginning to wonder whether
you take anything seriously.
What is that supposed to mean?
You're a mother. Your finances
are a mess. You don't seem to care.
You renege on
social commitments.
You're only focused on hooking
up with this playboy flight attendant
on some dangerous
sounding new airline.
Dude, watch your
lather. Well, I'm sorry,
but I am frustrated right now.
I'm trying to help you become
a more responsible person.
You insist on
doing the opposite.
Well, if my life stresses
you out so much, Jody,
maybe you should just
care about it a little less.
Oh. Like, I don't care about you
with your stupid
grandfather clock.
I knew it! Yeah, they're dumb.
They cost a million dollars and
an app on my phone is better.
Now shut up and help
me take out a uterus.
Mindy?
Damn it.
Oh, Gabe, hey!
Sorry to interrupt. It's
Mindy from the other day.
You were checking me out? Mmm...
You were. Have you
seen Whitney anywhere?
I think she's in the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
Like, in the bathroom
or, like, in the bathroom?
I don't know what that means, but
Whitney's in the bathroom doing coke.
Oh, my God. Okay, thanks.
Whitney? I know you're in here.
Whitney?
What, did you sleepwalk here 'cause
you're too exhausted to hang out?
Okay, one last sniff
of drugs, and that is it.
God, just get, get in here.
Okay...
Will you shut up? I
am not doing drugs.
Yeah, right. I've seen movies.
I know where you're
keeping your stash.
It's in a little
vial up your butt.
I'm gonna find it. Hey, hey!
There is nothing
up my butt, okay?
I am in here pretending
to do cocaine,
but really, I am doing Sudoku,
which everyone
says is addictive,
and, uh, it is not.
Okay, then this is crazy.
You chain yourself to your desk,
you are hiding in
a bathroom stall...
Yeah. You're hanging out with me
obsessively just
to avoid your life.
Excuse me. You're
the one who came to me
with a shoebox asking me
to take care of your finances
because you have run
out of men to do it for you.
That's not true.
What is so hard about
taking care of
your own finances?
Are you that lazy? I'm not lazy.
I just...
I love bear claws.
What?
I know that the minute I
log in to my bank account
I am going to see that every day
I spend $5 on a
coffee and a bear claw.
When I know that I could
just have a packet of oatmeal
and that would be much cheaper.
And all of that money on bear
claws could be better spent
on my son's education
or my retirement.
So, yeah, Whitney, I
don't wanna look at it,
'cause it reminds me that
every single decision I make
is as a single mom, and
this isn't what I planned.
You have two bear
claws every morning.
Yeah, I know.
But, um, you know, I
looked at your finances,
and I actually think
you're gonna be fine.
Really? Yeah.
I'm rich? I can
buy a lobster tank
like in a restaurant?
No, stupid.
I think it would add a lot
of value to my apartment.
No. Let's... Let's
get out of here.
Yeah, and go tell those
losers that you're sober.
Uh, Juliet, right?
It's Jody Kimball-Kinney.
Hi. You're Jeremy's
co-worker. Yeah.
Are you the one who eats trash?
No, that's Morgan.
And Beverly. And Mindy.
Actually, that's
quite troubling.
Uh, may I sit? Of course.
So Jeremy is quite
taken with you.
I've never heard your story.
Are you a widow of
a railroad magnate?
You know, set to
leave your fortune
to a handsome younger
man who is kind to you?
Look, I get what this is about.
Yes, I'm a lot
older than Jeremy.
But we really love each other.
With all due respect,
that can't possibly be true.
When one envisions
an ideal couple,
it's only one thing, a
blushing young girl,
and a leathery older man.
It's universal, from
Pygmies to the Inuits,
to Woody Allen and Miley Cyrus.
Let me ask you,
Dr. Kimball-Kinney,
are you in a relationship?
Whoa. We're getting
awfully personal.
But to answer your question,
no, I am not, by my own choice.
I have been busy with work
and, you know, what with
all the new shows and...
Well, maybe your problem is
that the person who
makes you happy
is the opposite of
what you're used to.
Next stop, Union Square.
By the way, I think
I'm younger than you.
Dr. Reed! Nurse Jen!
Ugh, get out of here!
You're cheating, Dr. Reed?
Who do you think you are, me?
It's not what it looks like.
I knew something
was up. I knew it.
You know, before Juliet,
all the nurses thought
you were a British creep
with a tanning addiction.
Then they saw you
with an older woman
and they were like,
"Oh, Dr. Reed's so sweet
"and not shallow. He's hot now."
Fine! I hated my reputation,
and I would've done
anything to change it.
Except modify my behavior.
What about that poor old lady?
Hasn't she been through enough?
She's lived through,
like, 40 wars.
Well, actually I'm, I'm
kind of paying Juliet
to play my girlfriend.
But it's kinda noble,
if you think about it.
There are so few great
roles for women her age.
Oh, please. Helen
Mirren be everywhere.
You know, the worst part
about this is that Dr. K was right.
Dear Mindy,
it was extremely
inconsiderate of you
to cancel plans
with me last minute.
I was forced to have
the loneliest dinner.
The pizzeria's name, Uno,
was all too appropriate.
That said, I think I
owe you an apology.
I should not have told
you that your life is a mess.
It is a mess. It's like
one of those stories
they use to scare
young Catholic girls
from going to a dance.
But you're handling it well.
Much better than I would.
So I'm sorry to presume
to know what is best for you.
I'm a man who
knows what he likes.
I've never really tried
much different from that.
But today, a magical old
woman told me something
that made me think
I could be wrong.
If you ever felt so inclined,
I'd like to take you out,
and not just to shop
for a grandfather clock.
Yours, Jody.
Jeremy, I owe you an apology.
I had a nice chat
with Juliet yesterday.
Such a lovely spirit.
Sure. She's fine.
Actually, at the time,
I couldn't understand
how someone like you could
be attracted to someone like her.
Actually, Jody, I kinda feel
terrible about something.
Well, so do I. For
not believing you.
Tell him you hired her,
and it was a sham to have
sex with hotter, younger women.
Pardon? Okay, fine.
Our relationship was
fake. Fake as my nails.
You don't love
Juliet? It is not real?
No, of course not.
Something like that
could never work.
Mmm. Oh.
No, no.
Oh.
Beverly, did you
take out the mail?
No.
But I did tell Morgan to do it.
Morgan?
When Beverly asked
you to take out the mail,
you got distracted and
you forgot as usual, right?
Of course, I always do. Ah.
But, you yelled at me so
much that I had nightmares.
So I mailed the
letter. Don't worry.
Your precious mail's on
the way to its intended.
No! Why?
Hi. Hey.
How are you doing with all that?
Do you need any
help? No, thank you.
As it turns out, I can
be my own money guy.
Good for you.
And my sponsor says
that I need to learn
to let people run
their own lives.
Uh, here. I brought
you something.
Oh, cool, a bear claw.
Yeah. Just one?
Yes. Which is enough.
Thank you. You're welcome.
You know, I realized
that bear claws are
not my real problem.
I spend most of my money on...
Pay Per View pornography. Yes.
Obviously can't curb that habit,
so I'm just gonna
give less to charity.
That's smart. Have a seat.
Why don't you
share this with me?
Are you sure? Yeah, I
have two more in my drawer.
Okay. Thank you.
Cheers.