The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 8 - Later, Baby - full transcript

When your fiancee
is across the country

caring for his sick dad,

it's important he knows
that everything back home

is smooth sailing.

Hey, Leo, sweetheart,

you gotta chill, okay?

People are not
liking the screaming.

It's not a good look.

Damn it.

Okay, no one...
no one reach for it or anything.

Just a single mom trying to...



trying to pick up her fruit.

Hey, what's up?

Everything sucks!

Leo's screaming and my first time
buying fruit was a total disas...

Things are tough here.
Dad said he saw Jesus

for a seconds last night.
How are you?

The last thing you want to be
is another problem for him,

so best to just
pretend everything is

smiley face emoji
wearing sunglasses.

What can I say to you?

But Annette, I don't have
anyone else who can watch Leo

and I'm in the middle
of a delivery right now.

No, I do not care if you
have a very important

sweatshirt decorating class.



Hello? Hello?

Damn it.

Danny, you gotta talk to your mom.
I can't do this by myse...

Hey, hon. The Doctor thought dad might
be strong enought for physical therapy.

Oh, thank God.

But then he fell and soiled himself.
How are you?

Leo, I think your mom
just made you a playpen.

Oh, God. Okay.

But, it's not easy
running two businesses,

raising a child alone,
and doing Danny's share

of the chores which,
as it turns out,

was all of the chores.

Another turn for the worse.
I need a pep talk babe.

Okay.

You can do this.
I love you!

Why isn't it wearing sunglasses?
Is everything ok?

Oh, come on.

No, no, Leo,
the drill is for Mommy.

Anyway, God, all that I'm asking

is that you let me have this
one bath with no interruptions.

And if you don't, I'm seriously
switching religions to Kabbalah

and then Madonna
can be my god. Okay.

Open up!

It's the masturbation police.

God?

Great news.
I'm your houseguest for the week.

Take care of me.

Oh, my God. Oh no!

Peter,
now is not a good time for me.

- I should have called first.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry.
It was a spur of the moment thing.

- Yeah.
- My wife took the kid

out of town for the week,
so I thought I'd head over here

and party like it's 1999,

which is also the year I briefly
died from alcohol poisoning.

I'm just super busy
and I don't have time

to take care of a houseguest.

As crazy Uncle
Peter to your child,

I demand that you come
out with me and party.

I want to get drunk and climb
the Statue of Liberty.

I want to get hammered
and ride the Cyclone.

I want to sneak beers onto the...
do I have a problem?

Eh.

I cannot talk about
this right now, okay?

I'm very tired, it's very late,
I'm going to go to bed.

No need.
I put caffeine pills in your water,

which is dangerous and scary.

Damn it, Peter.

Oh, God. Leo.

Okay, I don't want
you to be scared,

but I'm going to go
to a meeting right now

and it's very important
so I want you to stay here

and color for a bit.

Mindy, you don't have to
babysit me like a child.

And do you know where
the good crayons are

'cause I lost the ones
the stewardess gave me.

- Peter.
- Hi, Jeremy.

I thought I smelled
Hooters body spray.

High fives. Yeah!

Never quite figured
that one out.

God, where to start.

You know, ever since my breakup,

Jody has been setting me
up with a ton of women.

Just empty, meaningless,
acrobatic sex, Peter.

- Hmm.
- I've never felt more alone.

That can be tough.

Well, listen, we should have
a gentlemen's catch up dinner.

I think we just
gentlemanly caught up.

And besides, Mindy and I have
some quality time booked,

so she's really been
looking forward to it.

Mindy just texted
the entire office saying,

"Can someone take
Peter off my hands?"

- Tonight it is.
- Okay, okay. Looking forward.

Melville, let's talk turkey.

Tell me how much money

the practice has
brought in this quarter,

and I hope it's
at least 3 million

because we have
committed quite a bit

to Zach Braff's
newest Kickstarter.

After expenses, this is how
much your practice has netted.

- Oh, my God. That's great.
- How is that possible?

- It's a negative number!
- What?

You have more money going
out than you have coming in.

- It's as simple as that.
- How did this happen?

Well, you spent
most of your revenue

on something called
the "Later Baby Launch Party."

In retrospect, we shouldn't have

rented out Governor's Island.

Nobody came,
because someone wrote

Riker's Island by accident
on the invitation.

It was me.

If you don't get more
patients in immediately,

your practice will
definitely go under.

If we wanted predictions
on the future,

we'd go to my psychic,
Lady Mysterioso.

We pay you for
accounting advice.

Actually,
you haven't paid me in months,

which is the other
reason I'm here.

Did you see this
negative number?

I just learned what that meant.

Can you just take
your money out of this?

Morning.

Are we looking for something?

My energy drink.
It's called Heart Attack Fuel.

It's in a big red can.

There's a picture of a heart
on it giving the finger.

I threw it out.

FDA banned that stuff
after those teens

danced themselves to death.

How dare you throw
out my energy drink?

That's the only way I know how
to wake up in the morning, Jody.

I spent half the night awake
because my baby was crying

and the other half awake
because Peter was crying.

He decided to play Danny's
piano with his penis

and the lid shut right on it.

Are you all right?

I feel like since
your fiancee left,

you've really started
dressing down.

Exsqueeze me?

I liked how you used to dress,
all bright and colorful

like the homosexual flag.

I do not need to
take fashion advice

from some guy who's
wearing the same clothes

as he did yesterday.

My slovenly appearance
is the result

of an erotic exploit,

not the early warning
signs of depression.

Depression?
I don't think so, pal.

Would a depressed
person have the energy

to drink two bottles
of wine a night?

Is there anything
I can do to help?

There's a lot you could do,
actually.

You could maybe convince
my fiancee to come back

from California and help
take care of our kid,

you get me some more patients
for my fertility clinic,

you can take out
my episiotomy stitches,

which it turns out are
not the dissolvable kind.

Now, I need to go wake up.

Morgan? Come here.
I need you to slap me in the face.

Dr. Reed,
you know I'm not a dramatic person.

With respect,
you started an office drama club

but then didn't put on a play

because there was too much
behind-the-scenes drama.

Nonetheless...

I can't share
an office with Colette.

She keeps pranking me.

It's not my fault Tamra
doesn't have a sense of humor

and she's like, "Ugh."

I just don't think leaving
this on my chair is funny.

It was so funny.

I like smart comedy
that says something about society.

Or Tosh.

Anything exciting
going on in this room?

Peter, you'll enjoy this.

I'm setting a little
nurse dispute.

Okay, back at boarding school,
whenever two boys had a spat,

matron would make them hold
a bean against the wall

with their noses
until they were friends again.

So, observe.

I got a better idea
than holding all these beans.

Why don't you two come to
dinner with Jeremy and I tonight

and we can talk this all out?

That was meant to be a guy's
dinner just for us to catch up.

Now ladies, bean your nose.

What do you guys say?

- Whatevs.
- I love food.

Somebody going to pick
me up or just Uber there?

You're quiet because
you're beaning your noses?

Ha, right there.

How much money did you
spend on this again?

- One grand.
- Oh, God.

I know, but all of a sudden,
circular motion,

like the over-the-back
stand kind of like...

Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God, Morgan.

Fear no more.
You savior has arrived.

Is the Rapture here?

Thank God,
'cause this business is going under.

I've come up with a genius plan

to save your practice, Mindy.
As you requested.

When I said that,
I was obviously being sarcastic,

like whenever
I complement a woman.

Morgan and I don't
need your help.

Ooh, a Rumpelstiltskin
promotion.

We get you pregnant for free,
we keep the first baby.

We're not doing that.
I hate it when you bring it up.

It's illegal.

I know I'm a doctor,
but I'm also an entrepreneur.

I've invested in several
businesses in Georgia,

including a barbecue restaurant
I co-own with Annie Potts.

She's just as nice
as you might suspect.

Talk to me about
the side dishes there.

Wait, what is your idea?

If you want to attract
younger patients

to Later, Baby,
go to the source.

Start doing presentations
in colleges.

Ooh. That's good.

I've taken the liberty
of calling NYU.

I'll be taking a 50%
stake in your business.

Thank you.
We'd be ruined without you.

Abso-tute-ly not.

Morgan and I would never go into
business with someone like you.

Someone like...
I'm a decent fellow.

Earlier today
I winked at a fat woman.

You're a creep,
and I think your pocket square

is a pair of women's panties,
and you know what else?

Your crappy idea
wasn't even that good,

so why don't you
hit the road, Jack?

Hit the road, Jack.

All right, suit yourself.

- Just cut it out.
- Go, go, go, go.

Get out of here, you loser.

That was an amazing idea.

Obviously that was
an awesome idea

and we're definitely
going to do it.

We're just not
going to tell Jody.

- But that's stealing.
- You can steal an idea, Morgan.

It's like stuff in the drugstore
that can fit in your pocket.

It's up for grabs.
Now, call NYU.

I'm sorry,
how is that not stealing?

Just call NYU!

I'm no professional therapist,
but I did help

my frat brother Pube
come out to his parents.

He's now known as Vag.

So why don't you tell
me what's going on here?

Colette is constantly
pranking me.

She dipped my braid in paint.

That's some Tom Sawyer-ish.

If you hated it so much,
why didn't you wash it out?

To make it look like
an intentional fashion choice.

Now the Style Section want
to write a blurb about it

and I don't have time for that.

Ow! I'm not as strong as I look.

All right.
Ladies, ladies. Please.

Let me tell you guys
a story about two people

who didn't get along at first

but grew to be
the closest of friends.

Me and Jeremy.

This should be good.
Let's hear it.

Well, when I first
started working here,

Jeremy and I hated each other.

Did we? News to me.

Came to be,
he was the best man at my wedding.

I was your fourth choice,

and I got only one dance
with you the whole night.

Well, now we're all good.

What I'm trying to say...

We're not that good.

Oh.

It is very challenging to
prepare for this presentation

when we have so little time.

Yeah, I know.
Okay, and guess what?

- Ow!
- You gotta nail it.

You, madam,
are a downright dirty thief.

Damn it!
Where did you find that?

I just followed
the stench of a rotten deed.

I deserve a piece
of your business.

A piece of my business?
I don't think so, pal.

He doesn't even have
a piece and he does, like,

- half the work.
- Yeah.

- So...
- We should talk about that.

I've been cleaning.

I've been doing custodial
stuff a lot on the side.

Hold on. I've got a call. Okay.

It's Annette.
I've got to take this.

It's a family thing.
You have to wait.

Hey, Annette. What's going on?

You're sick?

Why didn't you get the flu shot?

No, you can't get autism.
You're too old. Okay.

Yes, I'll be over. I'll get Leo.

Everything okay?

I have to go pick up
Leo from Annette's.

I don't know how I'm going to
prepare for this presentation.

Okay, you're not going anywhere.

You're going to sit
there on your butt

and you're going to practice.

If you don't have time to prepare,
you could let, say,

your new partner give
the presentation.

I don't know how to explain
this to you but, like,

you're not my partner,

I'm going to be doing this
presentation by myself,

it's going to be
as compelling as a TED Talk,

and as funny as "Ted 2." Okay?
Good-bye.

This isn't over!
I will not be cheated!

This is Annie Potts
all over again.

You complain about
Mindy being a bad friend

'cause she won't drop everything

the second you waltz into town.

What about what you did to me?

What'd he do? Say it's weird
for an adult man to own a bird?

No, this has nothing
to do with Roger.

Okay, I went to stay with
Peter in Austin last month,

and I had a terrible time.

Of course,
'cause the chain stores

are sapping Austin's quirk.
It's a real dilemma.

No, because you were
a terrible host.

He insists I stay with him,
then the second I arrive

- he dumps me at a motel.
- That sucks nard.

Colette,
you have no idea the nard it sucked.

Every activity I had planned
that weekend, Peter ruined.

Like, we went to dinner

and you just stared at
your phone the whole time.

I was live-Tweeting
how mad at me you were.

Then the Saturday night,
I get tickets for us

to see the Dixie Chicks, halfway
through "Cowboy Take Me Away"

you leave, knowing full well

that that song has
always reminded me of us.

Damn, that's cold.

At least wait until Natalie
Maines starts talking politics

and everyone gets up
to go to the snack bar.

Wait till she starts
talking politics.

Is that so hard?
And here we are again.

You can't even have
a dinner alone with me

without inviting two buffers.
No offense.

You, sir, should not be
giving friendship advice,

'cause you're a horrible friend.

Oh, no, Jeremy, don't go.

No!

Do you guys want to
get the souffle,

'cause if we want it,
we have to...

gotta act fast.

Ovulation is triggered
with an injection

of human chorionic gonadotropin.

Okay, I know, my speech is
very boring, Leo, right?

It's just
that the material is so dry.

Unlike you, who is very wet.

Okay.

- Come on.
- We out of diapers?

Oh, come on!

You know what, Leo? We all gave
Precious's mom a hard time,

but I get it now.
This single mom stuff sucks.

Two hours later,
your diaper's on,

and you're finally ready
to get back to work.

Oh, cool. I just wiped
you with my presentation.

What's wrong with you,
you butthole?

Yeah, you're a bad friend,

and one time I didn't
pick up cousin Sheena

from the airport for two days.

I am not a bad friend.
I just had other stuff going on.

You don't leave a delicate
British man alone in Texas.

He carries a parasol in the sun.

Yeah, and it sucks to be
alone in a strange city.

Last weekend I went out on
a Central Park rowboat by myself.

People thought I was
trying to dump a body.

- You did?
- I didn't dump a body, but...

I was by myself.

Well, maybe if you
weren't always pranking me

then you'd actually have
a friend to do stuff with.

Well, maybe that's why
I keep pranking you,

- so you can't ignore me.
- Really?

That's hella counter-intuitive.

I know. I'm really sorry.

It's just,
Southern people are complicated.

The two things we're known for
are being friendly and slavery.

- Okay, don't say that.
- Oh.

But, you know, Colette,
I'd rather be a good friend

than be a jerk like Dr. P.

I told you guys
bringing you here

would solve all your problems.

- We hate you.
- Shut up.

- Hey, sleepy head.
- What time is it?

It's about 11:00. I let you
sleep in, took care of Leo.

You've been so busy lately.

Oh, my God!
I'm missing my presentation!

Peter,
why didn't you wake me up?

Because you've
been so exhausted,

I thought I'd let you rest.

Aren't I a good friend?

No, you are not a good friend.
Watch Leo!

A lot of people been
saying that lately.

And that's the best
part about Later, Baby.

You give
your future self options.

And your future self can use
all the help she can get,

am I right?

She'll be coming out of here
with a pile of student debt...

Hey!

A useless degree
and French literature

four years of regrettable
Facebook photos.

- How's it going?
- He is killing it.

Jody's a totally
captivating performer,

and the audience isn't nervous
for him when he's on stage

like they are with you.

Yeah, he actually
is pretty good.

Thank you for coming today.

Are there any
questions I can answer?

- I have a question.
- Yes, miss.

Why did you have sex with me

if you were also having sex
with three others in my dorm?

Nope, I was right the first time.
He's a bad guy.

He can bail himself out.
Recover, recover.

He slept with me too.

Me, too. How could you do that?

Maddie and I are roommates.
We share a Brita.

It's true,
I have made love to a lot of you.

Distract them.

- Please, if you'd hold on...
- No, no, no. Nobody move.

Don't leave.

Prepare to be amazed
and distracted

as I, Morgan Fairchild Tookers
do something I've never done:

Nail a backflip.

That's who you've been
having erotic exploits with?

These college girls?

Yes, but the silver
lining is that

by making love with
Maddie and her dorm mates

I got this great idea
for your business.

It is not acceptable to
have sex with 18-year-olds.

I agree, it was distasteful.

No, it was gross, you old perv.

The only reason you're
even with these girls

is that they're the only
ones that can stand you

for more than a night.

You're right, I am,
as you say, an old perv.

Oh, God. Are you crying?

What is this weird move?

I made love with these girls

because I'm in love with a woman
that I can never have again.

- Who?
- Anne-Marie...

the wife of my brother.

Why didn't you gasp?

Honestly,
that seems on-brand for you.

I've been quietly in
love with her for years,

but a few months ago,
I began to quietly do her.

That's why I had to leave
Georgia with such haste,

because my brother would never
forgive me if he found out

that I'd been defiling his wife.

Oh, and I do me defiling.

Oh, God. Gross, stop it.

I sleep with these co-eds
to fill the void in my heart

left by Anne-Marie,

and because they're
hot and it's fun.

What a weird story.

Why not just go after
a woman your own age?

You know who's like
your intellectual peer?

No, I'm tall and handsome.

I'm sure it won't
come to that, but...

I am sorry that I messed up
your chance to save your practice.

- Well...
- Your company is a joke!

Come on, Morgan, you can do it.

- Come on already!
- That...

- Get... get into it, you know?
- Hey, seriously?

Maybe I still can.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

That was... Did you see it?

Did you see it?
I did a back flip.

No, I didn't see it.
It was probably bad.

Just go... go, go, go.
No, it probably sucked.

I didn't see it.
It probably sucked.

Just get off the stage.
Thank you.

Hey, everybody.

Um, my name is Dr. Mindy Lahiri

and I just want to apologize

for my colleague
Jody's behavior.

I know, I know, I know, he sucks.
All right?

But let's be honest, guys.

- Most men are complete garbage.
- It's true!

We are!

Okay, listen, listen.

When I was your age, I thought
that I was gonna be married

by the time I was 25,

but it took a lot
longer than that,

and unfortunately,
your body does not care

if you are dating the wrong guy

or the guy you're
with is also sleeping

with the rest of your dorm.

Your body and your eggs
just keep getting older

which is why freezing them is
actually a pretty smart idea,

'cause it gives you
a little bit more time

so that you can try to
find that one diamond

in the crap heap
of American men,

because even if you
find the right guy,

you're going to want
a little extra time.

I mean, look at me.

I'm so busy I wear
my pajamas everywhere,

and I'm pretty convinced that I will
take my episiotomy stitches

with me to the grave.

It's because being
adult is messy and hard.

It's not just all smiley face
emojis wearing sunglasses.

Seriously?

Whoa, you like that?

Were you expecting anyone,
Roger?

♪ Cowboy, take me away ♪

♪ Fly this girl as high
as you can into the... ♪

I can't do this.
It's so embarrassing.

Peter. Come in.

Make it quick though.
This is Roger time.

Look, I'm sorry
that I was such a terrible host

when you were in Austin.

I wasn't blowing you off.
I was embarrassed.

Of what?

My chaps?
My little red cowboy hat?

No, not those things
specifically, but...

Thank you.

I was embarrassed about myself.

I mean, I used to be,
like, a cool dude.

Now I'm just a whipped-ass dad.

You're just saying
that to make me feel better.

Do you know why you couldn't
stay with me in Austin?

It's 'cause
my in-laws were in town,

I had to sleep on the porch,
and I got peed on by a coyote.

What about the phone at dinner?

What about the concert?

I was doing my fantasy
football draft at dinner

'cause I can't mention
sports in the house

or I lose TV for a week.

Such are the depths
of my whipped-ness.

You thought I would
think less of you?

When I lived here,
I was so much cooler than you,

and now your nips deep in all
this schnizz, and I'm like,

"Where does
that leave me?" You know?

Less cool
than my least cool friend.

Friend?

Oh, my God, Peter.

Thank you for saying that.

You know what?
I've been ignoring you on this trip.

And that ends now.

From this moment forward,
I'm going to stay with you

while I'm in New York City.

That's... great.

I mean, tonight might be tricky

'cause I kind of
have a date coming.

A date, great.
Tell her to come by.

I'll do nothing but listen.

Unrelated,
where do you keep the lotion?

- Bathroom.
- The bathroom.

Well, the good news
is you're not dying

which is frankly
quite a surprise.

Thanks for taking
out my stitches.

You were right. I have not
been taking care of myself.

Well, your vajazzlement
could use some maintenance.

There's nothing but a thicket
of rhinestones down there.

It was once cool, though.
It said "Eat here."

Mm-hmm.

Hey, do you think that you
can be my OB-GYN from now on?

Sure.

And, uh,
I'm sorry about earlier.

I should have disclosed
that my business idea

was borne of ignominy.

I actually have a secret too.

Your trip to Europe last year

was actually a brief stint in jail?
They told me.

Since Danny's been gone,
I've been pretending I'm fine,

but you know what? I'm not.

I'm really struggling.

Listen, admitting you need
help is no sign of failure.

No one can do it alone.

Mother had a fleet
of help to raise us,

and she still spiraled
into insanity.

Thanks, Jody.

- Wait, are you nice?
- Shh.

Well, I do need your help.

I want you to be my partner,

and we will split
the profits 50-50.

No, no, 50-40,
because Morgan deserves 10%.

Oh, God, oh God, thank you.
Thank you!

Morgan,
are you listening outside the door?

Always! I'm so happy
I'm going to do a back flip.

- Oh.
- Morgan?

I'm okay.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, babe,
how's it going?

♪ I know ♪
♪ What I know ♪

Not so great.

I know you're dealing with a lot
with your dad,

but I miss you
and it's really hard.

I'm sorry, babe. I'm calling you now.
You can tell me all about it.

- Hello?
- Hey, how are you?

I'm so glad you called.

I wish I was there
with you guys.

I miss you and things are
a little overwhelming right now.

I miss you and Leo so much.
Tell me what's going on.

Really?