The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 7 - Mindy and Nanny - full transcript

There are a few perks to having

your fiance be
on the other side

of the country for a while.

For instance,
you can take up the whole bed,

hog all the covers,
and wear the flannel pajamas

he calls "boner pesticide."

Best of all,
no one tells you what to do,

unless your future mother-in-law

has descended upon
your home like a biblical plague.

Oh!

Good afternoon, Sleeping Beauty.



All right, all right, all right.

- Hey!
- Ah!

When are you gonna be done?

I got a list of
questions for you.

God! Can I have some privacy,
please?

What's the big deal?
It's nothing I haven't seen.

Actually,
I've never seen it like that.

Can you not look at my vagina?

Get out of here!

♪ When the moon
hits your eye ♪

♪ Like a big pizza
pie that's amore ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

Annette, Annette, good morning.



I really appreciate
you doing the laundry,

but I was wondering if you
could just look at the tags

because I think some of
my clothes have shrunk.

Are you sure you
didn't get bigger?

Well, Leo is all
fed and changed,

and I put his gold
chain back on again.

It keeps disappearing.

I don't... that's so weird.

Hey, you want an omelette?

Okay, sure. Thanks.

Well, I wish I'd known that

before I started
making pancakes.

Oh, a trap. Great.

I'm gonna head into work,
and again,

thank you so much for
taking care of Leo.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

I'm making my famous rigatoni.

What if I brought
home sushi tonight?

Ugh! No wonder
your breast milk's

been tasting so funny.

You've been tasting
my breast milk?

Someone's got to
think about Leo.

One day, it tasted like
a Long Island Iced Tea.

Rigatoni it is.
See you tonight, Annette.

Bye. Ah!

Hey, don't bruise the prosciut.

Hey, Morgan,
did you get a chance

to set up those nanny
interviews that we talked about?

"Hi, Morgan, good morning.
Has your wound healed?"

Fine. Hello, Morgan,
good morning.

Has your wound healed?

That's actually
a personal question.

What a waste of my time.

Annette is driving me crazy.

This morning, she installed
a crucifix in our shower

so that I wouldn't
"get any ideas."

Ahh. Bathing stings my wound.

But listen. I did.

I got you some good
candidates right here.

- Here you go.
- Thank God.

I really need this
whole working-mom thing

figured out before
Danny gets back.

If he gets back.

I haven't heard from
that guy in weeks.

He's coming back!

And I need to find
a nanny so good with Leo

that I can keep working.

Won't that make Annette mad?

She threw out a teddy bear

because she thought
it was a rival.

I think a ten-day cruise
to Bermuda for her and Dot

- is gonna soften the blow.
- Ohh.

Hey, I think I know someone

who'd be a great
nanny for little Leo.

The elderly black
woman that raised you?

Effie? No.

- She's with the Angels now.
- Sorry.

Anaheim Angels.

Her grandson plays
shortstop there,

so he moved her down.

- Wow.
- Okay.

What about the nanny for my son?

Oh, she's great. Loves the baby.

Costs next to nothing.
She's ethnic.

It's you!

Son of a bitch.

I cannot believe you.
You are such a sexist, Jody.

Nobody raises babies
better than kin.

No. Ken?

She can't have
a male nanny, dude.

- She'll attack him.
- That's not true!

He'd be into me and I'd be like,
"Get off."

Oh, please.

And that's why thicker gauze,

while being more
expensive by unit,

- ends up saving us money...
- Saving us money.

In the long-term.
I know this is very exciting.

- Whit!
- Hi.

What are you doing here,
my darling?

I wasn't expecting you for
another 45 minutes or so.

Oh, they closed
the stock market early.

Greece decided not
to be a country.

They're just gonna
sell yogurt now.

It's a mess.
Anyway, can we go to lunch now?

Just, um, you know what?
Why not?

We can go to lunch.
I'm not doing anything important.

- Great.
- What?

You made me fly back
from Vegas for this.

Come on, Jeremy.

You can't leave
your big gauze meeting.

Mm-mm.

He's right. I can wait.

Um... ah, we're done talking
about gauze, I think.

Colette, could you summarize
the manual for the group?

- Oh! Ow!
- Thank you.

This works so much
better for my schedule.

- Not a problem.
- Thank you, guys.

- Okay.
- Bye, Whit!

Remember to talk
about the gauze.

Jeremy. Jeremy!

What was that? What was that?

He's been planning this
gauze meeting for weeks.

He texted me last night
at 3:00 a.m. saying,

"Tomorrow's G Day." -
Here's the deal, brother.

When you're in love,
you do whatever the girl wants.

I have given
a first date a kidney

on more than one occasion.

So no one else has a bad
feeling about this woman?

I do.

No comment.

Don't mind me.
Whistle, whistle, whistle.

Tamra, you seem like
you know something.

No, I mind my own business.

Do I have information
that's exciting

and pertinent to
this conversation?

Who's to say? Excuse me.

Tamra. Tamra!

Morgan,
I'm ready for the nannies!

Hello!

- We got our first candidate.
- Hi, welcome.

Thank you so much for
considering me for...

Hey, hey! Gotta do it.

- I don't like that.
- Gotta do it.

Thank you so much
for considering me

for your nanny position.

Whoa. That is a cool accent.

Can you say,
"All aboard the Hogwarts Express"?

I'd rather not.
But I think you'll find

I have all the necessary
qualifications.

Wow. 20 years of
childcare experience,

you know CPR,
and you're bilingual?

Yeah, okay, how about this?

- I'm so sorry.
- So I can start immediately.

- Perfect.
- My salary is 20,000...

- Amazing.
- A month.

- Get the hell out of here.
- You scamming scumbag.

I don't understand.

- Who the hell do you think...
- Who do you think...

- Come on. Come on right now.
- What am I?

Child is like mule.

It must be trained and broken.

I will raise your child like
it was one of my own weasels.

Do you smell weed, Dr. L?

- I do.
- Yeah.

I love the way babies smell.

I just got an AMBER
Alert on my phone.

- Get him out of here.
- I'm gonna walk you out.

- Call 911. Call 911.
- Okay.

Dr. L?

I found another girl for you,

and I think you're
gonna love her,

and it's gonna feel like

you have known her forever.

Okay, Morgan, you're not just gonna,
like, come in here

in a dress and try to "Mrs.
Doubtfire" me, are you?

Uh... no.

I'm not.

Madame Tookery has canceled.

I got another girl for you.

Please? Now is when you come in.

Clar-ah. Claire-ah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You look normal.
- I think she looks weird.

Why don't you tell me
a little bit about yourself?

Sure. I love children,
especially babies.

I believe in using only
nontoxic and organic products,

and I have a website

where I sell handmade
children's clothing.

Wow. That's cool.

I used to have
an online business.

I sold my toenail clippings
to a pervert in Idaho.

You kind of seem exactly
what I'm looking for.

Well, there is one thing
I have to warn you about.

Oh, boy. Here it comes.

I love to bake,
so I hope you don't mind

coming home to a counter
full of pies and fresh bread.

That sounds wonderful.

I'll check your references,
but you're hired.

Oh! That's so great!

We'll discuss it.
Yeah, ah-la-la, good.

It was really nice to meet you.

Good luck with your transition.

- Thank you.
- Oh.

- Bye, Clara.
- Bye.

Bye! I don't know.

Personally?

- Bad vibe.
- She's perfect!

She's responsible, she's pretty,

she's too flat
for Danny to like.

We did it.

Now I have to tell Annette.

- Hey, you need to talk to me?
- Yes.

It's a most urgent matter.

- Okay.
- Please, do come in.

Take a seat.

May I offer you a refreshment?

Is this urgent or not?

No matter is so urgent

there isn't time for
a little civility.

I believe it was Jefferson
Davis who said...

Oh, my God, every time you talk,
it takes so long

that I literally die
and turn into a skeleton.

So please just tell
me what's going on.

Right.

Tamra has brought
something to my attention

of the most distressing
nature and...

I can't. Tamra, go.

I saw Dr. Reed's girlfriend

doing cocaine a few weeks ago.

Thank you, Tamra.
You may go now.

Thank you.

- God.
- So what are we gonna do?

Jeremy is like
a little brother to me

and his girlfriend
is a cokehead.

Doing cocaine once doesn't
make someone a cokehead.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I hit a bicyclist
once in my car.

Does it make me a murderer?
I have no idea.

- I drove off.
- I can't help it.

I mean, we've known each other
since before we were men.

He taught me to love medicine,

and I taught him
how to stimulate

the most sensitive part
of a woman's anatomy...

- I cannot hear about this!
- Using only his...

I'm so sorry.
Before I was a working mom,

I would have loved
gossip like this.

Honestly, we would have talked
about it for, like, three hours.

But I'm extremely busy.
So if you'll exsqueeze me,

I'm going to go answer emails

while I eat a sandwich
on the toilet.

What are you do... oh... okay.

Thank you.

♪ Whitney I'm sorry you
find my laugh annoying ♪

♪ I'd rather love you
than ever laugh again ha-ha ♪

♪ Whit... ♪

- Hey, Jody.
- Hi.

Did you hear my song?

It's annoying, isn't it?
Oh, she's gonna hate it.

No, it was beautiful,

and it makes what I have to say
to you all the more difficult.

Mmm! Oh, man.

Annette,
this rigatoni is delicious.

It was supposed to
be for both of us.

One pan of pasta for two people?

I'm sorry about eating
all of the pasta,

but I actually had something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Danny found a new
woman in California?

No. Danny and I had sex
on video chat last night.

He's probably still
cleaning the screen.

The news is I found
a nanny for Leo.

And just to say thank you
for all that you've done,

I actually bought you
two tickets on a cruise

for you and Dot. Here.

The brochure said
they just remodeled it

after a pirate attack,
so I thought that was cool.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

That's very nice.

You're not mad or anything,
are you?

Oh, absolutely not.

Who wants their mother-in-law
hanging around all the time?

- Oh, no, it's not that.
- Stop, stop.

Enough said.
We're all good, okay?

Me and the Franks will
just get out of your hair.

Ciao, bambino.

- Bye.
- See ya.

We read three books,
then he had a nap,

then I introduced him
to the music of Peru.

That's amazing.

- Bye, Clara.
- Bye, Mommy!

Bye, Leo.

Oh, thank God. My lunch is here.

- Mindy Lahiri?
- Yeah?

- You're being served.
- I am not being served,

because this is not my three
orders of penang curry,

triple cream, no veg,
just some envelope.

Your mother-in-law is
suing you for slave labor.

Exsqueeze me?

Allow me to formally
introduce myself.

I'm Don Castellano, Esquire.

Castellano as an attorney?
Where'd you get your degree?

- Cannoli State?
- Oh!

I told you she was rude, Donny.

Are you absolutely positive

you don't want any legal
counsel here with you?

Lawyers are for guilty people

like thieves and Edward Snowden.

I have done nothing wrong!

I did just fart.

Man, this is a small room.

- I know. I'm... I'm sorry.
- Come on.

According to Annette,

she's worked close to 100
hours for you without any pay.

That, my friend,
constitutes slavery

according to this printout
from my law book CD-ROM.

Okay, well,
let me present this to the jury.

This old lady.

She's the grandma!
I ain't paying her!

By the way,
my little mud-blood son

is the only reason
she wakes up every morning.

I object, Your Honor!
That is not true!

- I have my walking group.
- The Staten Island Strutters!

- I can't.
- When I worked,

my boys were always with family.

Did your family invade
your personal space

and slut-shame
your underwear drawer?

We didn't have personal space.

I gave Danny his
bath until he was 18.

- Oh, my God.
- We all did.

What is wrong with you people?

You know what?
I gotta go back to work.

- Just send me the bill.
- Okay.

It's gonna include
my legal fees too.

- Whatever.
- Fine! But I hope you're okay

with your baby not
having a grandmother.

Or a grandmother's friend!

I did it! Had it out with
Whitney about her drug use.

- It's over.
- Ahh!

Jeremy, that is wonderful news.

Right,
the relationship isn't over,

just the difficult conversation.

No, Whitney and I are perfect.

Uh, come again?

Well, I told her in
very strict terms

that I was concerned
about her cocaine use

and she promised
she would keep an eye on it.

That's it?
She's gonna keep an eye on it?

Jeremy, are you sure you're
not just being manipulated

by a woman again?

I mean, you paid for
your ex-girlfriend's wedding.

I didn't pay for the wedding.
I didn't.

I paid for her
dress and his ring.

If anything,
I'm manipulating Whitney

by showing her how supportive
I am so she'll never leave me.

High-fives!

- Hmm.
- Boom! Boom!

Off to get her dry cleaning.
See ya later.

Colette, I may have to take
matters into my own hands.

You know what, everybody?
Grandmothers are overrated.

Excuse me!
We were talking about something.

The cast shake-ups
at "The View."

- I had no opinion.
- Well, you know what?

People are always bagging
on millenials and saying

how great the elderly are,
but they're not.

They can't drive, they give
terrible award show speeches,

- and they ruined Facebook.
- Okay, let me say something.

As the founder of the very poorly
attended Grandma-Con,

I'm not just gonna sit
here and listen to you

rip on grandmas like that.

You know,
I am so happy that I found

a cool, fresh-faced,
young woman to take care of my son

because he deserves a cool,
young nanny

who has never had a landline
and who only knows

the Chris Pratt version
of "Jurassic Park."

How dare you, Dr. L.
I was raised by my grandmother

and I turned out great.
Oh, God! My wound!

I'd love to help you, Morgan,

but we never got to
the end of that gauze seminar.

Oh, God.

- What did the nanny do?
- What's wrong?

More cast shake-ups
on "The View"?

My nanny just made
my son the poster child

for the anti-vaccination
movement.

Oh...

Oh, no! Got a positive
comment from @TVWritersWife.

I gotta go, guys.

Excuse me, might I trouble
you for a moment of your time?

- I'm sorry. Who are you?
- I'm Jeremy's friend.

I think it would be best
if your relationship

found a natural
point of termination.

Are you kidding me?

He's the best boyfriend
I've ever had.

After he cooks me dinner,
he gives me a comment card

about how he can improve.

Very well, I may need to argue
in the language of the city.

You want to pay me
to break up with him?

What are you,
the dad in a Nicholas Sparks movie?

All right, enough.
Who do I make the check out to?

You or Pablo Escobar?

Oh, is that what this is about?

Listen.

I only do coke to have fun
after work... and to work.

Listen, you. You're gonna
stay away from my friend.

He doesn't need
some hard-living,

New York City siren
manipulating him

with her big,
molasses-brown eyes.

Oh, really?
And he's gonna listen to you?

Some inbred Civil War general

who smells like
the woods after a storm?

- You are out of control.
- And you like it.

Oh, my God. I do.

Clara! What the hell?

Why would you think it was
okay to take a photo of my son

in an anti-vaccination onesie?

But I thought you said you
wanted him to be famous.

Yeah, of course I do.
But if you want him to model,

you gotta go through
his talent agent,

who I don't have because no one
will accept us as a package.

Also, he is vaccinated.

What? Why?

Vaccines are just toxins pumped
into our children by Big Pharma!

No! You know what
Big Pharma did?

They got rid of Big
Mumps and Big Polio.

Yeah, but no one even
gets those anymore.

Because of vaccines!

Clara, you gotta go,
which makes me sad

because you were a good nanny,
and frankly,

I thought we would
be great friends.

I would never be
friends with you.

You're an old lady
like Britney Spears.

How dare you!

- Wait! Where are you going?
- You just fired me.

Yeah, but I meant, like,
fired in a couple hours

when I come back from work.

Oh, no.
Who's gonna watch Leo now?

Leo,
that was so good.

No one's on to us.
You are such a good actor.

I never thought your first role
would be an all-in-one machine.

I know.

This is the hot pipe room
and this shall be your day care.

I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed
to bring my baby into work.

All right,
baby monitor here for you.

I'll take this one.
I'm right next door.

I'll be back in two
minutes to check on you.

You need anything, call me.

I love you. Bye.

Oh! There you are.
We need to talk.

- Okay.
- Been looking all over for you.

Hey, hey, quit grabbing at me.

It's just I find myself
in a bit of a pickle.

- Hmm.
- I went to convince Whitney

to break up with Jeremy
and I ended up laying with her.

You slept with Whitney?

Are you out of your mind?
You're Jeremy's best friend!

You guys were gonna
perform "Lady Marmalade"

at the hospital talent show!

I know.
I know what I did was bad,

but their relationship is wrong.

Maybe, in a way,
this is what had to happen.

Maybe, in a way, I'm a hero.

That sucked. That logic is
bad and you know it, okay?

- You have to go tell him.
- I know.

I'll just move away.
I'll make new friends.

I'll sleep with
their girlfriends and...

Oh! See? There I go again.

Oh, my God.
You are the worst person.

You are so selfish,
you have no concept

of what anyone
else goes through.

I'm sorry,
I can't hear you over the sound

of your baby gurgling
in a box on the floor.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Thomas Jefferson owned slaves,
all right?

Sometimes cool
people make mistakes.

Hey, sweetheart.

All right, I have a delivery.

I don't know what to do.
Such a bad idea.

- I'm such a bad mother.
- No, take it easy now.

You're doing an admirable job.

Why don't you let me
watch the little fella

while you're at the hospital?

- Can I trust you?
- I'm great with kids.

My Uncle Randy got kicked
in the head by a mule.

He had the brain of an infant.
Took care of him for years,

and now he's
a Mississippi state senator.

Okay, it's just for an hour.
I would really appreciate that.

Sure, absolutely.

- Thanks, Jody.
- Sure.

Hello, little box baby.

You might be a big help
to your Uncle Jody.

- Hi, Jody.
- Hi.

- Is that Leo?
- Yeah.

Where's Mindy?

Did she get lost
following the scent

of an apple pie again?

Oh, no. I'm just babysitting.

Oh, okay.

Jeremy, you wouldn't hit a man

carrying a baby, would you?

Of course not. Why?

I slept with Whitney
in her office.

What? Jody, put that baby down

- so I can strike you.
- No, I won't. I won't.

- Put it down.
- I won't.

Damn it! We were friends, Jody.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I'm glad I did it.

Any woman who'd sleep

with a scoundrel like
me doesn't deserve you.

You deserve someone who's
gonna treat you right.

And even if you don't think you do,
I know you do.

And I'm gonna keep on
sleeping with your girlfriends

until you realize it. Shh.

Now, if you still feel
like you'll feel better...

Oh, God almighty!

Thank you, Jody.
I do feel better.

- All right.
- Actually, can I hit you again?

Nope. Nope.
I-I'd prefer if you didn't.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should find
a woman I deserve.

A quiet, plain, simple girl.

Maybe someone who's gone mute
since she witnessed a crime.

No, uh, I tell you what.

I'm gonna make it my mission

to find you a lady who's
good enough for you.

If you do, don't sleep with her.

I swear on our friendship

I will try not to.

Okay.

God, you smell of her.

Apologies.

Well, Leo, I am sorry.

I definitely did
not live up to my

Mother of the Year
beer coozy today,

but, don't worry,
as my punishment

there is no food left in
the house for my dinner.

Whoa, Leo, there's still one

of your grandmother's
rigatoni's left in the fridge.

"Dear Mindy,
this is eight servings of pasta,

can you make this one last
two days for God's sake?"

That's pretty rude.

"Dear Leo, sleep tight,
my little angel,

"and be nice to your mom.
She works hard.

Love, Grandma."

Annette, I can hear
the Cash For Gold commercial.

Open up.

I'd open the door,
but I don't want to

invade your personal space.

- Okay.
- Ooh, good burn.

You know what, Dot?
It wasn't that good of a burn.

But I did deserve that.

Annette, please forgive me.

All right?
I'm sorry I took you for granted,

but Leo needs you.

Okay, well...

Of course he does!
I'm his grandma!

But some words
can't be taken back.

I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have called
you "grandmonster"

and "Annette Notfunicello"
and "Annetti Spaghetti."

- You called me those things?
- No. Never.

I've heard other
people say them,

but I've always defended you.

Look, there is a reason
why I fell in love

with a hyper-religious,
supremely Italian,

little weirdo,
'cause I need that in my life.

You better be
talking about Danny.

Yeah, I am talking
about Danny, Dot,

but I'm also talking about you.

Look, when you come
and take care of Leo,

you're not just
taking care of him.

You're taking care of me.

And I can't do this by myself.
I need your help.

Please come back.

Okay, I'll come back,
but just for Leo.

No, and for me
because you love me.

No, I only love five people.

Danny, Richie, Leo, Dot,

and the handsome
one from "Suits."

- And me. You love me.
- No.

You do,
and you're gonna hug me now.

No, I'm not! What are you doing?

No! Let go... you stop it!

Get your paws off me!

She does not love you!

This is assault!

Okay, okay. I love you.

Just go put that baby to bed,
all right?

Go home.
I'll see you later, you idiot.

Okay. You're obsessed with me.

And you're gonna be thinking
about that hug later.

- Go soak your head.
- I guarantee it.