The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 6 - Road Trip - full transcript
Danny is forced to take Morgan on a road trip to California; they make a surprise stop.
- Honey, what are you doing?
- I just said good-bye
to the little guy.
You think he's gonna be
all right without me?
- Yes.
- Did you memorize
the "Our Father"
so you could say it
to him every night?
- Danny, I know it perfectly.
Our Father who art in heaven,
Halloween thy name.
- Maybe I shouldn't go.
- Danny, it's gonna be fine.
You know why?
- Why?
- Because I made
this Danny mobile
to put over his crib.
Pretty cute, huh?
I have one for myself, but it's
just pictures of your wiener.
- Okay, babe, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
- Okay, babe, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
I just got to get my dad settled
in with an in-home nurse.
- It's okay. I can be
a single mom for a while.
That's the lie I tell anyway
to get out of jury duty.
- Leave it to my dad
to screw up my life again.
I'm gonna miss
Leo's first haircut.
I wanted to be there to show him
where Vito hides the "Playboys."
- Babe, you have to let go of
this resentment of your father.
All right?
It's not good for you.
Did you learn nothing
from my Dr. Phil calendar?
- I learned that you still
don't know when my birthday is.
- I know when your birthday is.
It's around the VMAs.
- Close enough.
Get over here.
- Close enough.
Get over here.
I'm really gonna miss you.
- No, not me. I'm excited
to get you out of my hair.
I got a lot of stuff to do.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I can think of stuff to do.
- Got room for a third tongue?
- Remind me again
why Morgan has to come?
- Okay, you were the one
who didn't want to fly.
It is not safe to drive
across the country by yourself.
Everyone's got guns, and they're
all fat from fried food.
Maybe I should go.
- Hey, we are gonna have
the best time.
And some of my new medications,
I need someone to really
shove it up there.
I need someone to really
shove it up there.
Come on.
- All right.
- See?
Now, come on, don't worry.
Go, get out of here.
- Give me one more.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Okay.
- Hey, I heard the strip club
opens soon.
- What?
- Ah.
- All right, just keep going.
There's no strip club.
- All right,
we're in New Jersey.
I'm gonna stay off
the main roads.
If the state troopers
see my New York plate,
I might get the old
Hoboken hello.
Bunch of scumbags.
- Well, I am your navigator
because I have
an internal compass, literally.
When I was six,
I swallowed a compass.
When I was six,
I swallowed a compass.
I missed all of first grade.
- Those look a lot
like my glasses.
- What, these glasses?
- Yeah, the ones
you have on right now.
- No, I think we might have
gotten them at the same time.
It doesn't matter.
We both have 'em.
They're both great.
New York, New Jersey,
Connecticut.
Whew. I can't read while I'm
driving. I get a little sick.
[burps]
- You okay?
- Oh, God. You know what?
I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna
rest my eyes for a minute
till the feeling passes.
- No, no, no, that's good.
You should...
- I'm gonna let it pass.
- Yeah, just close your eyes.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God, are we here?
Is this California?
Oh, it's
The Beverly Hills Hotel.
Looks smaller.
- No, we're still in New Jersey,
but this is where
you got to get out.
- What are you talking about?
- Look, I'm gonna drop you
at this motel.
You're gonna stay here
for a week,
and don't tell Mindy
you didn't come with me.
- I mean, if it's
all the same to you,
I'm just gonna go to California
with you on a road trip.
I'm just gonna go to California
with you on a road trip.
- Okay, listen, buddy,
I got to take a slight detour
for personal reasons,
and I got to do it by myself.
So I'll see you later.
- You son of a bitch.
You're having an affair.
- [sighs]
- You think she can just lose
the baby weight like that?
We're in the middle
of pie season, Jack.
- Morgan, I'm not
having an affair!
Now, here's $500 and get out!
- No.
- Take it.
- What are you up to?
- I said take it.
- What are you up to?
- Okay, I'll show you
what I'm up to, okay.
- What are you doing?
- Okay, that's it.
- Dr. C,
where are you going?
You look real mad.
- What are you doing?
You look real mad.
- What are you doing?
- Yeah, get out.
- No, get away.
- Get out.
- Hey, you, get away.
- Ow!
- Get away.
- Aah!
- Huh?
- Stop spanking me!
Stop!
[horn honks]
[hip-hop music]
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Okay, I think we've both
had time to cool off,
and I think I have
just the thing
to turn this party
right side up.
♪ Da da da da ♪
Frommer's "101 Best Celebrity
Pet Graves in America."
Look at this right here, Eddie
from "Frasier," remember him?
His grave is in
Catoosa, Oklahoma.
Did you know David Hyde Pierce
called him
"the greatest actor"
I've ever worked with?
- Okay, we're not doing
any of that.
We're only stopping
for food and sleep.
We're only stopping
for food and sleep.
- Well, listen, Jack,
you can choose to be angry
that I'm along on
your little secret mission
or you can tell me
what's going on.
Come on, what are the chances
I'd tell Dr. L?
60, 70% tops.
Mid 80s.
I don't know,
I'd probably tell her.
[4 Non Blondes'
"What's up?" playing]
- ♪ Hey hey hey hey,
hey hey hey, I said "Hey" ♪...
- Music cannot quell my
curiosity!
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
- Please tell me your secret.
- Morgan, I'm warning you.
- Please tell me your secret.
- Morgan, I'm warning you.
If you keep asking me,
you're not gonna like it.
- No, no, no, I can help you.
Please? Come on.
Hello!
Are you giving me
the silent treatment?
Okay, so the silent treatment
doesn't work.
Grandmother gave me
the silent treatment.
She didn't talk to me
for eight months.
I never stopped talking.
- [inhales deeply]
Turns out she had
a pretty severe stroke.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Well, I've decided, because
of the way you're treating me,
I'm not going to share my
delicious soft pretzel with you
that I'm about to buy
in that store.
So can I please borrow $2
for a soft pretzel, please?
Dr. C, please?
I hate the silent treatment.
The truth is, this is agony.
Real classy.
Get a pretzel for yourself
and don't share it.
No! What?
Why would you do that?
Come on, man!
Goddamn one percenter.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Well, it's a new day,
and I don't even want
to hear your secret.
Someone told me it's not even
a good secret,
so I'm just gonna sit here
and read my book.
And I know earlier I said
sometimes I get nauseous
when I read in the car,
but I don't think
that's gonna be a prob...
[retches]
- Oh! Oh, oh.
[retches]
- Oh! Oh, oh.
- Oh! Oh.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Dr. C, I threw up also
back here,
but I did it quiet.
- I can't take any more
of the silent treatment.
It's gonna do permanent
psychological harm.
- [sighs]
- You sadistic son of a bitch.
I hope while we're on this trip,
Dr. L meets another doctor
with a giant penis
and Leo calls him Daddy.
Oh, you didn't like that?
Do you want to say something?
'Cause I'm picturing
your fiancée getting plowed
by some Protestant radiologist
with a huge wiener.
And then when
he's done with her,
he's gonna take Leo
to a Red Sox game.
Ow! Ow, ow, stop. Eyes on
the road. Stop, stop. Ow, ow.
- Dear God,
please take care of Mindy,
- Dear God,
please take care of Mindy,
baby Leo, Ma, little Danny,
Richie, and whoever
Richie's dating.
And that's it, no one else.
- [clears throat]
Dear Sweet Jesus Christ,
if Dr. C keeps this up,
I ask that you kill me.
'Cause I can't take it anymore.
Also, I hope you help him
in his secret little mission.
I know it's really weighing
on him, whatever it is.
I want to help him
but he won't tell me, so...
I want to help him
but he won't tell me, so...
And please don't let grandmother
fall out of
the Stair Genie again.
I can't. She should only use it
to go up and down.
She shouldn't sit in it
recreationally.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
[sighs]
- Hey, Morgan.
- Oh, God! Oh, my God.
- Okay, stop.
Look, I'm ready
to start talking.
- Thank you so much.
My prayers have been answered.
- Look, I'm sorry about before,
and I just want to say
the reason I didn't want you
to come on the trip
is because I've been really
emotional about my dad,
is because I've been really
emotional about my dad,
and I didn't want you
to see me cry.
- I get it.
- Okay. Look, I thought...
I thought maybe
to make it up to you,
we could take a slight detour.
- Are we in Catoosa, Oklahoma?
- We sure are, pal.
- Eddie. Eddie.
- There it is, Eddie
from "Frasier's" grave.
- My book says this is
the holy grail
of celebrity pet monuments.
Of celebrity pet monuments.
- Yeah, yeah, you told me,
several times.
"Eating tossed salad
and scrambled eggs in heaven."
What the hell
does that even mean?
We'll never know, but...
- It's the theme song.
From "Frasier,"
the show he was on.
- Never saw it.
You know what I liked?
"Hunter."
You ever see "Hunter"?
- Hey, you know,
why don't you...
Why don't you get
in there with Eddie?
I'll take a picture
of both of you guys.
Would you like that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Get in there.
- Let's... let's get a bunch.
- Let's... let's get a bunch.
- Yeah, yeah, go nice and wide.
That's good.
- Okay, smile. Oh, that's great.
We got it right there.
We got it.
- Wait, Dr. C.
Dr. C!
- I'll be back
in a couple hours.
- You lied to me! You're going
on your secret mission.
- Sorry!
- Of all the times
I have been abandoned
at a celebrity pet grave,
this is the most hurtful!
[suspicious music]
♪ ♪
[bicycle bell dings]
- Dr. C, wait.
- Are you kidding me?
Morgan, what the hell
are you doing here?
- What is going on?
Who's in that house?
Are you gay?
Are you attracted to me?
Why not?
- Okay, look, I lied.
I do have a secret, and now
I have to make it right.
- What?
- Dad, is that you?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Uh, hey.
- Hey.
- Wow. Eric, it's
nice to see you.
Or meet you, I guess.
- Yeah, you too.
- [coughs] Introduce me.
- This is Morgan, my coworker.
- Coworker? I wish you
didn't introduce me at all.
- Didn't want to.
Didn't want you to come.
Anyway, this is Eric,
who is looking like
he's a product
of my wilder days.
- Uh-huh.
[laughs]
Eric, give us one sec, okay?
You son of a bitch.
You had a secret family
the whole time
You had a secret family
the whole time
and you never once
told them about me?
Is your name even Dr. C?
- No, I didn't have
a secret family.
Eric only e-mailed me
a month ago.
I didn't want to tell anybody
until I knew it was real.
In case I was being catfished.
- I heard that.
I told you about when
I went to Montreal, right?
- Yeah, and you were...
both: Severely beaten
by a man that you thought was
a female prostitute.
- Okay, we'll talk
about it later.
- Really embarrassing.
- Anyway, I figured
we'd stop here on the way
and sort things out.
Eric, how'd you find me anyway?
- Well, I asked my mom
for years who my dad was
and then finally she told me
that she met
a handsome, young
med student named Dan
a handsome, young
med student named Dan
at a Billy Joel concert in 1999.
- Evelyn, she was the only
other person in the crowd
that knew all the words to
"We Didn't Start the Fire."
- I just can't believe
you're here, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa.
- Easy.
- Eric, honey, your friends
are too early for the party.
I got to get the pizza at
the gas station. Oh, my God!
Dan, is that you?
- Evelyn, hi.
You haven't changed.
- What did you do, Eric?
- Eric, you want to talk?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Let's go out back.
- All right.
Oh, hey, you got a swing.
- Yeah.
- You want me
to give you a push?
- No, no, maybe later.
- So you got
a birthday coming up.
- Yeah, next week,
but I convinced mom
to let me have the party today
because I knew you were coming.
I just wanted my friends
to see that I had a dad,
especially Tyler.
He's got two dads.
- Yeah, I know where
you're coming from.
- Yeah, I know where
you're coming from.
I mean, my dad,
he wasn't around much.
But I need you to know
the only reason I wasn't here
is because I didn't
know about you.
- Thanks.
That means a lot.
- But hell,
we could start right now.
Anything I could do?
Anything you need?
- Yeah, I just need for you
to move to Oklahoma
and marry my mom.
- Well, I'm so glad you guys
could make it out here.
It's been a great place
to raise Eric.
You know, everyone owns a gun
here, so there's no crime.
It's just accidents
and suicides.
It's just accidents
and suicides.
- Wow.
Speaking of accidents,
Eric seems like a real winner.
- Yeah, I just
can't believe he's 16.
He's growing like a weed.
- Yeah, he is really tall.
- Oh, he's the tallest one
in his grade.
At the fair, he got a
blue ribbon for reaching things.
It's kind of a boring town.
- That's really curious.
Eric doesn't seem
to take after you or Dr. C,
tall, blue eyes.
- Oh. Oh, no, I just
have bad posture now,
but I was just as tall as him
when I was growing up.
But I was just as tall as him
when I was growing up.
- Hmm.
- And that's our angel, Leo.
- Hmm, seems like
the perfect little family.
- Yeah.
I'm really lucky.
Oh, God, she has
her pants off in that one.
- So what's my brother like?
He's got a much better name
than stupid Eric.
- What?
Eric's a great name.
It's not stupid.
I know a lot of great Erics.
- Okay, name one.
- Eric Stoltz, okay.
He was almost in
"Back to the Future."
- Michael J. Fox replaced him,
like, two weeks into filming.
- Yeah, you're right.
Look, if I had been there,
I would have named you
Look, if I had been there,
I would have named you
something cool, like Lionel.
- Lionel?
- Yeah.
- God, that's such a great name.
Why are you even here,
to brag about your awesome life
and then just go back
to New York?
- No, no, no.
I wanted to meet you.
I was passing through
to go to California.
You know, my... my dad
had a heart attack.
- Grandpa had a heart attack?
- You didn't even know him.
Look, I don't want to go.
I mean, he wasn't a great dad.
- Neither were you, you dick.
- These are beautiful
family photos.
- These are beautiful
family photos.
Interesting, he's got brown eyes
and she's got brown eyes.
But this old man,
brown eyes.
- You know, I think Eric
got his blue eyes
from somebody on
Danny's side of the family.
- Ah, yeah, probably.
There's just one little problem
with your theory there, lady.
It's garbage.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Because that man's fiancée
had me dig through his genealogy
to find out
if there was any chance
that she could have
blue-eyed children.
And I still have
the scratch marks
from when I told her
it was impossible.
From when I told her
it was impossible.
You're busted.
- Okay, I admit it.
Danny is not Eric's dad.
Eric's real dad is a big jerk
and he wanted
nothing to do with us.
- Okay, got it. Go outside and
tell him the truth right now!
- That's gonna crush Eric.
It's his 16th birthday,
and I don't have enough money
to get him a car
or even get him
a name-brand cake.
- Spider hero?
Okay, don't care.
You need to get out there
and make it right, Mama.
- Can we please just wait
till after the party?
He's just so happy
to have Danny here.
Please.
Please.
- [sighs] Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, they do seem
to be getting along.
Oh, God!
- Oh, my God!
- Hey, get off him, kid.
Pick on someone your own size.
Come on! Oh, oh, oh!
- No, no, no.
Let him go. Let him go.
Okay, let him hit me
if he wants to hit me, okay?
- No.
- Yes.
Castellano men
express their feelings
through fighting or dancing.
It's either
the fists or the foot.
- Except he's not a Castellano.
- [gasps] What?
- Stop it.
You knew already.
- You?
- I just found out.
- Eric...
- Eric...
Danny is not your dad.
- What?
He's not?
Well, then why'd
you tell me he was?
- Because Danny is smart
and he's educated,
and I just wanted you to think
that you came
from something good.
- Well, great.
Thanks for ruining
my birthday, Mom.
Oh, if my friends ask for me,
just tell 'em I'm up in my room
looking up how to do drugs.
- [grunts]
- I'm sorry I lied.
I had no idea that
he would reach out to you.
I had no idea that
he would reach out to you.
- Okay, I'm outta here.
- No, no.
- Why did you have to be
so perceptive?
- It's just my way.
- [scoffs]
Eric, come back, honey.
I'm sorry.
- Unbelievable.
I don't know what's worse
about Castellano men,
how gullible we are or that
we hate the feeling of condoms.
- Just wait, listen to me. I am
just as mad as you are, okay?
But ask yourself this,
what is the best revenge?
Helping the people
who lied to us.
- Why the hell would I do that?
- Okay, all I know, man,
is this kid, Eric,
- Okay, all I know, man,
is this kid, Eric,
he planned his whole birthday
around meeting his dad.
He's gonna be so embarrassed.
- All right, I got
my own problems, okay?
- Everyone's got problems, okay!
I got a bad back,
back hair, bacne,
other stuff with my back.
My front is a mess.
The point is, I'm staying.
- Great! I've been trying to
get rid of you the whole trip.
- You know what? I only came
along with you so we could bond.
You know, before Leo
was in the picture,
you and I would make plans.
And yes, you would
always cancel them,
but now,
you don't even make 'em.
This was supposed to be
our "Thelma & Louise."
This was supposed to be
our "Thelma & Louise."
- They died at the end
of that movie.
- Exactly.
Dr. C.
See, I know you're
starting the car,
but you're not gonna drive away.
[cell phone rings]
- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey, babe.
How's the road trip?
Being in the Midwest make you
realize how skinny I am?
- It's... it's going good.
We're in Oklahoma.
- Oklahoma? Did you see
Eddie from "Frasier's" grave?
I hear it's amazing.
- How... how's Leo doing?
- [crying]
- Is that him crying?
Put him on.
- Oh, I was hoping
you would say that.
- All right, you're on speaker.
- Hey, Leo.
I hear you're giving your ma
a hard time.
Look, I get it.
If I was cooped up with her
all day, I'd be crying, too.
If I was cooped up with her
all day, I'd be crying, too.
- Huh?
What are you saying to him?
- Listen, buddy,
I love you, okay.
- [crying]
- Come on, stop crying.
It's okay.
I can't wait to see you again.
I'm gonna be home soon.
See, it's gonna be okay.
Now, do me a favor,
be good for your ma.
- Oh, my God.
Danny, it worked.
You're, like, a hypnotist.
- I just told him I loved him.
- See that, Leo?
Aren't you lucky
to have such a good dad?
- Oh, honey, there's
a commercial on that I love,
and I don't want to press pause.
Okay, I love you. Bye.
And I don't want to press pause.
Okay, I love you. Bye.
[OutKast's "Hey, Yah" playing]
♪ My baby don't mess around
because she loves me so ♪
- Cheer up, sweetie.
I got the pop from
the fancy dollar store.
Can't you try to enjoy
your birthday?
- Enjoy what, no dad?
Of course Tyler
brought his dads.
- Oh, honey, we're
just as good as them.
- Eric, son, it's me,
your father.
I'm back from the golf club, and
I'm ready to meet your friends.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh!
Aah! Don't look at me.
Keep partying.
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
- Dude, is that really your dad?
- Leave me alone.
I'm his dad.
- No, I'm his dad.
Now, I know this might
seem a little weird,
but I'm really glad to be here
to celebrate Eric's birthday.
I can't take the credit,
but Eric is a great kid.
He's smart, resourceful,
got a hell of a left hook.
He's smart, resourceful,
got a hell of a left hook.
You all should be lucky
to know him.
Happy birthday.
All right.
- Thanks.
- Dr. C, I think
I broke my neck.
- You didn't break your neck,
I can see your toes moving.
- They are?
[rock music]
- This was fun.
You know, it's been a while
since I sat with some teens
and talked about Christ.
- Oh, that part was weird.
- Look, Eric, I meant
everything I said in there.
You're a great kid.
You're a great kid.
And when you think
about your dad,
I want you to remember this,
resentment is when
you take the poison
and you hope
the other guy gets sick.
- That's good.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
- He's smart.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah. I got it from
the Dr. Phil calendar.
- No way.
- Thanks again, Danny.
And I hope you patch things up
with your dad.
- Thanks. Hey, I never
gave you a birthday present.
- What do you got.
What is that, like,
a leftover gift card?
What is that, like,
a leftover gift card?
- Why don't you take these?
- What? Whoa, wait.
Hey, really? A car?
- No.
- Yeah, and if you get
a hot date, there's plenty
of room in the backseat.
Now, you're lucky
you're not a Castellano
'cause, as your mom will tell
you, we don't like to wear...
- Okay, Dan, we... we get it.
- Happy birthday, kid.
- Happy birthday,
but that's not the gift.
That's not... Hey, how are we
supposed to get to California?
- We'll take a bus.
It's not that far.
- It's 34 hours away, dude.
- I wanted to do
something nice for the kid.
- You don't even know him, man!
- You don't even know him, man!
Okay, I wait hand and foot
on you, and you gave me
a free T-shirt from your bank
for my birthday.
No, no, no, wait, wait.
I'm incredulous.
I'm incredulous.
- Look, the bus driver
gave me this to give to you.
He wants to make you
an honorary captain.
Look, I know you're bummed
about the car.
- We could have been
in a climate-controlled car.
We could have listened
to Howard Stern.
- Yeah, but helping out Eric
and staying for the party,
that was the right thing to do.
That was the right thing to do.
So thank you.
I'm really glad you went
on this trip with me.
- You know, you tried to ditch
me, like, three or four times.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hurt my feelings.
- I'm sorry.
- Can you promise me right now
you'll never do it again?
- I might do it again.
- I know.
- You know, I was
thinking about my dad.
I mean, my dad's around,
you know?
I got to work out
my stuff with him.
I just... I can't go there,
just get him a nurse, and split.
I mean, who knows,
this might be my last chance.
I mean, who knows,
this might be my last chance.
- That's nice.
- I almost forgot
to show you this.
I did get a picture of you
and Eddie at the grave.
- That's the best photo of me
anyone's ever taken.
I look stunning.
- You do.
- I look like a young
Andre the Giant.
- Go to bed.
- I just said good-bye
to the little guy.
You think he's gonna be
all right without me?
- Yes.
- Did you memorize
the "Our Father"
so you could say it
to him every night?
- Danny, I know it perfectly.
Our Father who art in heaven,
Halloween thy name.
- Maybe I shouldn't go.
- Danny, it's gonna be fine.
You know why?
- Why?
- Because I made
this Danny mobile
to put over his crib.
Pretty cute, huh?
I have one for myself, but it's
just pictures of your wiener.
- Okay, babe, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
- Okay, babe, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
I just got to get my dad settled
in with an in-home nurse.
- It's okay. I can be
a single mom for a while.
That's the lie I tell anyway
to get out of jury duty.
- Leave it to my dad
to screw up my life again.
I'm gonna miss
Leo's first haircut.
I wanted to be there to show him
where Vito hides the "Playboys."
- Babe, you have to let go of
this resentment of your father.
All right?
It's not good for you.
Did you learn nothing
from my Dr. Phil calendar?
- I learned that you still
don't know when my birthday is.
- I know when your birthday is.
It's around the VMAs.
- Close enough.
Get over here.
- Close enough.
Get over here.
I'm really gonna miss you.
- No, not me. I'm excited
to get you out of my hair.
I got a lot of stuff to do.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I can think of stuff to do.
- Got room for a third tongue?
- Remind me again
why Morgan has to come?
- Okay, you were the one
who didn't want to fly.
It is not safe to drive
across the country by yourself.
Everyone's got guns, and they're
all fat from fried food.
Maybe I should go.
- Hey, we are gonna have
the best time.
And some of my new medications,
I need someone to really
shove it up there.
I need someone to really
shove it up there.
Come on.
- All right.
- See?
Now, come on, don't worry.
Go, get out of here.
- Give me one more.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Okay.
- Hey, I heard the strip club
opens soon.
- What?
- Ah.
- All right, just keep going.
There's no strip club.
- All right,
we're in New Jersey.
I'm gonna stay off
the main roads.
If the state troopers
see my New York plate,
I might get the old
Hoboken hello.
Bunch of scumbags.
- Well, I am your navigator
because I have
an internal compass, literally.
When I was six,
I swallowed a compass.
When I was six,
I swallowed a compass.
I missed all of first grade.
- Those look a lot
like my glasses.
- What, these glasses?
- Yeah, the ones
you have on right now.
- No, I think we might have
gotten them at the same time.
It doesn't matter.
We both have 'em.
They're both great.
New York, New Jersey,
Connecticut.
Whew. I can't read while I'm
driving. I get a little sick.
[burps]
- You okay?
- Oh, God. You know what?
I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna
rest my eyes for a minute
till the feeling passes.
- No, no, no, that's good.
You should...
- I'm gonna let it pass.
- Yeah, just close your eyes.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God, are we here?
Is this California?
Oh, it's
The Beverly Hills Hotel.
Looks smaller.
- No, we're still in New Jersey,
but this is where
you got to get out.
- What are you talking about?
- Look, I'm gonna drop you
at this motel.
You're gonna stay here
for a week,
and don't tell Mindy
you didn't come with me.
- I mean, if it's
all the same to you,
I'm just gonna go to California
with you on a road trip.
I'm just gonna go to California
with you on a road trip.
- Okay, listen, buddy,
I got to take a slight detour
for personal reasons,
and I got to do it by myself.
So I'll see you later.
- You son of a bitch.
You're having an affair.
- [sighs]
- You think she can just lose
the baby weight like that?
We're in the middle
of pie season, Jack.
- Morgan, I'm not
having an affair!
Now, here's $500 and get out!
- No.
- Take it.
- What are you up to?
- I said take it.
- What are you up to?
- Okay, I'll show you
what I'm up to, okay.
- What are you doing?
- Okay, that's it.
- Dr. C,
where are you going?
You look real mad.
- What are you doing?
You look real mad.
- What are you doing?
- Yeah, get out.
- No, get away.
- Get out.
- Hey, you, get away.
- Ow!
- Get away.
- Aah!
- Huh?
- Stop spanking me!
Stop!
[horn honks]
[hip-hop music]
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Okay, I think we've both
had time to cool off,
and I think I have
just the thing
to turn this party
right side up.
♪ Da da da da ♪
Frommer's "101 Best Celebrity
Pet Graves in America."
Look at this right here, Eddie
from "Frasier," remember him?
His grave is in
Catoosa, Oklahoma.
Did you know David Hyde Pierce
called him
"the greatest actor"
I've ever worked with?
- Okay, we're not doing
any of that.
We're only stopping
for food and sleep.
We're only stopping
for food and sleep.
- Well, listen, Jack,
you can choose to be angry
that I'm along on
your little secret mission
or you can tell me
what's going on.
Come on, what are the chances
I'd tell Dr. L?
60, 70% tops.
Mid 80s.
I don't know,
I'd probably tell her.
[4 Non Blondes'
"What's up?" playing]
- ♪ Hey hey hey hey,
hey hey hey, I said "Hey" ♪...
- Music cannot quell my
curiosity!
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
- Please tell me your secret.
- Morgan, I'm warning you.
- Please tell me your secret.
- Morgan, I'm warning you.
If you keep asking me,
you're not gonna like it.
- No, no, no, I can help you.
Please? Come on.
Hello!
Are you giving me
the silent treatment?
Okay, so the silent treatment
doesn't work.
Grandmother gave me
the silent treatment.
She didn't talk to me
for eight months.
I never stopped talking.
- [inhales deeply]
Turns out she had
a pretty severe stroke.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Well, I've decided, because
of the way you're treating me,
I'm not going to share my
delicious soft pretzel with you
that I'm about to buy
in that store.
So can I please borrow $2
for a soft pretzel, please?
Dr. C, please?
I hate the silent treatment.
The truth is, this is agony.
Real classy.
Get a pretzel for yourself
and don't share it.
No! What?
Why would you do that?
Come on, man!
Goddamn one percenter.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Well, it's a new day,
and I don't even want
to hear your secret.
Someone told me it's not even
a good secret,
so I'm just gonna sit here
and read my book.
And I know earlier I said
sometimes I get nauseous
when I read in the car,
but I don't think
that's gonna be a prob...
[retches]
- Oh! Oh, oh.
[retches]
- Oh! Oh, oh.
- Oh! Oh.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
♪ ♪
- Dr. C, I threw up also
back here,
but I did it quiet.
- I can't take any more
of the silent treatment.
It's gonna do permanent
psychological harm.
- [sighs]
- You sadistic son of a bitch.
I hope while we're on this trip,
Dr. L meets another doctor
with a giant penis
and Leo calls him Daddy.
Oh, you didn't like that?
Do you want to say something?
'Cause I'm picturing
your fiancée getting plowed
by some Protestant radiologist
with a huge wiener.
And then when
he's done with her,
he's gonna take Leo
to a Red Sox game.
Ow! Ow, ow, stop. Eyes on
the road. Stop, stop. Ow, ow.
- Dear God,
please take care of Mindy,
- Dear God,
please take care of Mindy,
baby Leo, Ma, little Danny,
Richie, and whoever
Richie's dating.
And that's it, no one else.
- [clears throat]
Dear Sweet Jesus Christ,
if Dr. C keeps this up,
I ask that you kill me.
'Cause I can't take it anymore.
Also, I hope you help him
in his secret little mission.
I know it's really weighing
on him, whatever it is.
I want to help him
but he won't tell me, so...
I want to help him
but he won't tell me, so...
And please don't let grandmother
fall out of
the Stair Genie again.
I can't. She should only use it
to go up and down.
She shouldn't sit in it
recreationally.
["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
playing]
[sighs]
- Hey, Morgan.
- Oh, God! Oh, my God.
- Okay, stop.
Look, I'm ready
to start talking.
- Thank you so much.
My prayers have been answered.
- Look, I'm sorry about before,
and I just want to say
the reason I didn't want you
to come on the trip
is because I've been really
emotional about my dad,
is because I've been really
emotional about my dad,
and I didn't want you
to see me cry.
- I get it.
- Okay. Look, I thought...
I thought maybe
to make it up to you,
we could take a slight detour.
- Are we in Catoosa, Oklahoma?
- We sure are, pal.
- Eddie. Eddie.
- There it is, Eddie
from "Frasier's" grave.
- My book says this is
the holy grail
of celebrity pet monuments.
Of celebrity pet monuments.
- Yeah, yeah, you told me,
several times.
"Eating tossed salad
and scrambled eggs in heaven."
What the hell
does that even mean?
We'll never know, but...
- It's the theme song.
From "Frasier,"
the show he was on.
- Never saw it.
You know what I liked?
"Hunter."
You ever see "Hunter"?
- Hey, you know,
why don't you...
Why don't you get
in there with Eddie?
I'll take a picture
of both of you guys.
Would you like that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Get in there.
- Let's... let's get a bunch.
- Let's... let's get a bunch.
- Yeah, yeah, go nice and wide.
That's good.
- Okay, smile. Oh, that's great.
We got it right there.
We got it.
- Wait, Dr. C.
Dr. C!
- I'll be back
in a couple hours.
- You lied to me! You're going
on your secret mission.
- Sorry!
- Of all the times
I have been abandoned
at a celebrity pet grave,
this is the most hurtful!
[suspicious music]
♪ ♪
[bicycle bell dings]
- Dr. C, wait.
- Are you kidding me?
Morgan, what the hell
are you doing here?
- What is going on?
Who's in that house?
Are you gay?
Are you attracted to me?
Why not?
- Okay, look, I lied.
I do have a secret, and now
I have to make it right.
- What?
- Dad, is that you?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Uh, hey.
- Hey.
- Wow. Eric, it's
nice to see you.
Or meet you, I guess.
- Yeah, you too.
- [coughs] Introduce me.
- This is Morgan, my coworker.
- Coworker? I wish you
didn't introduce me at all.
- Didn't want to.
Didn't want you to come.
Anyway, this is Eric,
who is looking like
he's a product
of my wilder days.
- Uh-huh.
[laughs]
Eric, give us one sec, okay?
You son of a bitch.
You had a secret family
the whole time
You had a secret family
the whole time
and you never once
told them about me?
Is your name even Dr. C?
- No, I didn't have
a secret family.
Eric only e-mailed me
a month ago.
I didn't want to tell anybody
until I knew it was real.
In case I was being catfished.
- I heard that.
I told you about when
I went to Montreal, right?
- Yeah, and you were...
both: Severely beaten
by a man that you thought was
a female prostitute.
- Okay, we'll talk
about it later.
- Really embarrassing.
- Anyway, I figured
we'd stop here on the way
and sort things out.
Eric, how'd you find me anyway?
- Well, I asked my mom
for years who my dad was
and then finally she told me
that she met
a handsome, young
med student named Dan
a handsome, young
med student named Dan
at a Billy Joel concert in 1999.
- Evelyn, she was the only
other person in the crowd
that knew all the words to
"We Didn't Start the Fire."
- I just can't believe
you're here, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa.
- Easy.
- Eric, honey, your friends
are too early for the party.
I got to get the pizza at
the gas station. Oh, my God!
Dan, is that you?
- Evelyn, hi.
You haven't changed.
- What did you do, Eric?
- Eric, you want to talk?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Let's go out back.
- All right.
Oh, hey, you got a swing.
- Yeah.
- You want me
to give you a push?
- No, no, maybe later.
- So you got
a birthday coming up.
- Yeah, next week,
but I convinced mom
to let me have the party today
because I knew you were coming.
I just wanted my friends
to see that I had a dad,
especially Tyler.
He's got two dads.
- Yeah, I know where
you're coming from.
- Yeah, I know where
you're coming from.
I mean, my dad,
he wasn't around much.
But I need you to know
the only reason I wasn't here
is because I didn't
know about you.
- Thanks.
That means a lot.
- But hell,
we could start right now.
Anything I could do?
Anything you need?
- Yeah, I just need for you
to move to Oklahoma
and marry my mom.
- Well, I'm so glad you guys
could make it out here.
It's been a great place
to raise Eric.
You know, everyone owns a gun
here, so there's no crime.
It's just accidents
and suicides.
It's just accidents
and suicides.
- Wow.
Speaking of accidents,
Eric seems like a real winner.
- Yeah, I just
can't believe he's 16.
He's growing like a weed.
- Yeah, he is really tall.
- Oh, he's the tallest one
in his grade.
At the fair, he got a
blue ribbon for reaching things.
It's kind of a boring town.
- That's really curious.
Eric doesn't seem
to take after you or Dr. C,
tall, blue eyes.
- Oh. Oh, no, I just
have bad posture now,
but I was just as tall as him
when I was growing up.
But I was just as tall as him
when I was growing up.
- Hmm.
- And that's our angel, Leo.
- Hmm, seems like
the perfect little family.
- Yeah.
I'm really lucky.
Oh, God, she has
her pants off in that one.
- So what's my brother like?
He's got a much better name
than stupid Eric.
- What?
Eric's a great name.
It's not stupid.
I know a lot of great Erics.
- Okay, name one.
- Eric Stoltz, okay.
He was almost in
"Back to the Future."
- Michael J. Fox replaced him,
like, two weeks into filming.
- Yeah, you're right.
Look, if I had been there,
I would have named you
Look, if I had been there,
I would have named you
something cool, like Lionel.
- Lionel?
- Yeah.
- God, that's such a great name.
Why are you even here,
to brag about your awesome life
and then just go back
to New York?
- No, no, no.
I wanted to meet you.
I was passing through
to go to California.
You know, my... my dad
had a heart attack.
- Grandpa had a heart attack?
- You didn't even know him.
Look, I don't want to go.
I mean, he wasn't a great dad.
- Neither were you, you dick.
- These are beautiful
family photos.
- These are beautiful
family photos.
Interesting, he's got brown eyes
and she's got brown eyes.
But this old man,
brown eyes.
- You know, I think Eric
got his blue eyes
from somebody on
Danny's side of the family.
- Ah, yeah, probably.
There's just one little problem
with your theory there, lady.
It's garbage.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Because that man's fiancée
had me dig through his genealogy
to find out
if there was any chance
that she could have
blue-eyed children.
And I still have
the scratch marks
from when I told her
it was impossible.
From when I told her
it was impossible.
You're busted.
- Okay, I admit it.
Danny is not Eric's dad.
Eric's real dad is a big jerk
and he wanted
nothing to do with us.
- Okay, got it. Go outside and
tell him the truth right now!
- That's gonna crush Eric.
It's his 16th birthday,
and I don't have enough money
to get him a car
or even get him
a name-brand cake.
- Spider hero?
Okay, don't care.
You need to get out there
and make it right, Mama.
- Can we please just wait
till after the party?
He's just so happy
to have Danny here.
Please.
Please.
- [sighs] Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, they do seem
to be getting along.
Oh, God!
- Oh, my God!
- Hey, get off him, kid.
Pick on someone your own size.
Come on! Oh, oh, oh!
- No, no, no.
Let him go. Let him go.
Okay, let him hit me
if he wants to hit me, okay?
- No.
- Yes.
Castellano men
express their feelings
through fighting or dancing.
It's either
the fists or the foot.
- Except he's not a Castellano.
- [gasps] What?
- Stop it.
You knew already.
- You?
- I just found out.
- Eric...
- Eric...
Danny is not your dad.
- What?
He's not?
Well, then why'd
you tell me he was?
- Because Danny is smart
and he's educated,
and I just wanted you to think
that you came
from something good.
- Well, great.
Thanks for ruining
my birthday, Mom.
Oh, if my friends ask for me,
just tell 'em I'm up in my room
looking up how to do drugs.
- [grunts]
- I'm sorry I lied.
I had no idea that
he would reach out to you.
I had no idea that
he would reach out to you.
- Okay, I'm outta here.
- No, no.
- Why did you have to be
so perceptive?
- It's just my way.
- [scoffs]
Eric, come back, honey.
I'm sorry.
- Unbelievable.
I don't know what's worse
about Castellano men,
how gullible we are or that
we hate the feeling of condoms.
- Just wait, listen to me. I am
just as mad as you are, okay?
But ask yourself this,
what is the best revenge?
Helping the people
who lied to us.
- Why the hell would I do that?
- Okay, all I know, man,
is this kid, Eric,
- Okay, all I know, man,
is this kid, Eric,
he planned his whole birthday
around meeting his dad.
He's gonna be so embarrassed.
- All right, I got
my own problems, okay?
- Everyone's got problems, okay!
I got a bad back,
back hair, bacne,
other stuff with my back.
My front is a mess.
The point is, I'm staying.
- Great! I've been trying to
get rid of you the whole trip.
- You know what? I only came
along with you so we could bond.
You know, before Leo
was in the picture,
you and I would make plans.
And yes, you would
always cancel them,
but now,
you don't even make 'em.
This was supposed to be
our "Thelma & Louise."
This was supposed to be
our "Thelma & Louise."
- They died at the end
of that movie.
- Exactly.
Dr. C.
See, I know you're
starting the car,
but you're not gonna drive away.
[cell phone rings]
- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey, babe.
How's the road trip?
Being in the Midwest make you
realize how skinny I am?
- It's... it's going good.
We're in Oklahoma.
- Oklahoma? Did you see
Eddie from "Frasier's" grave?
I hear it's amazing.
- How... how's Leo doing?
- [crying]
- Is that him crying?
Put him on.
- Oh, I was hoping
you would say that.
- All right, you're on speaker.
- Hey, Leo.
I hear you're giving your ma
a hard time.
Look, I get it.
If I was cooped up with her
all day, I'd be crying, too.
If I was cooped up with her
all day, I'd be crying, too.
- Huh?
What are you saying to him?
- Listen, buddy,
I love you, okay.
- [crying]
- Come on, stop crying.
It's okay.
I can't wait to see you again.
I'm gonna be home soon.
See, it's gonna be okay.
Now, do me a favor,
be good for your ma.
- Oh, my God.
Danny, it worked.
You're, like, a hypnotist.
- I just told him I loved him.
- See that, Leo?
Aren't you lucky
to have such a good dad?
- Oh, honey, there's
a commercial on that I love,
and I don't want to press pause.
Okay, I love you. Bye.
And I don't want to press pause.
Okay, I love you. Bye.
[OutKast's "Hey, Yah" playing]
♪ My baby don't mess around
because she loves me so ♪
- Cheer up, sweetie.
I got the pop from
the fancy dollar store.
Can't you try to enjoy
your birthday?
- Enjoy what, no dad?
Of course Tyler
brought his dads.
- Oh, honey, we're
just as good as them.
- Eric, son, it's me,
your father.
I'm back from the golf club, and
I'm ready to meet your friends.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh!
Aah! Don't look at me.
Keep partying.
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
- Dude, is that really your dad?
- Leave me alone.
I'm his dad.
- No, I'm his dad.
Now, I know this might
seem a little weird,
but I'm really glad to be here
to celebrate Eric's birthday.
I can't take the credit,
but Eric is a great kid.
He's smart, resourceful,
got a hell of a left hook.
He's smart, resourceful,
got a hell of a left hook.
You all should be lucky
to know him.
Happy birthday.
All right.
- Thanks.
- Dr. C, I think
I broke my neck.
- You didn't break your neck,
I can see your toes moving.
- They are?
[rock music]
- This was fun.
You know, it's been a while
since I sat with some teens
and talked about Christ.
- Oh, that part was weird.
- Look, Eric, I meant
everything I said in there.
You're a great kid.
You're a great kid.
And when you think
about your dad,
I want you to remember this,
resentment is when
you take the poison
and you hope
the other guy gets sick.
- That's good.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
- He's smart.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah. I got it from
the Dr. Phil calendar.
- No way.
- Thanks again, Danny.
And I hope you patch things up
with your dad.
- Thanks. Hey, I never
gave you a birthday present.
- What do you got.
What is that, like,
a leftover gift card?
What is that, like,
a leftover gift card?
- Why don't you take these?
- What? Whoa, wait.
Hey, really? A car?
- No.
- Yeah, and if you get
a hot date, there's plenty
of room in the backseat.
Now, you're lucky
you're not a Castellano
'cause, as your mom will tell
you, we don't like to wear...
- Okay, Dan, we... we get it.
- Happy birthday, kid.
- Happy birthday,
but that's not the gift.
That's not... Hey, how are we
supposed to get to California?
- We'll take a bus.
It's not that far.
- It's 34 hours away, dude.
- I wanted to do
something nice for the kid.
- You don't even know him, man!
- You don't even know him, man!
Okay, I wait hand and foot
on you, and you gave me
a free T-shirt from your bank
for my birthday.
No, no, no, wait, wait.
I'm incredulous.
I'm incredulous.
- Look, the bus driver
gave me this to give to you.
He wants to make you
an honorary captain.
Look, I know you're bummed
about the car.
- We could have been
in a climate-controlled car.
We could have listened
to Howard Stern.
- Yeah, but helping out Eric
and staying for the party,
that was the right thing to do.
That was the right thing to do.
So thank you.
I'm really glad you went
on this trip with me.
- You know, you tried to ditch
me, like, three or four times.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hurt my feelings.
- I'm sorry.
- Can you promise me right now
you'll never do it again?
- I might do it again.
- I know.
- You know, I was
thinking about my dad.
I mean, my dad's around,
you know?
I got to work out
my stuff with him.
I just... I can't go there,
just get him a nurse, and split.
I mean, who knows,
this might be my last chance.
I mean, who knows,
this might be my last chance.
- That's nice.
- I almost forgot
to show you this.
I did get a picture of you
and Eddie at the grave.
- That's the best photo of me
anyone's ever taken.
I look stunning.
- You do.
- I look like a young
Andre the Giant.
- Go to bed.