The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 5 - Stay at Home MILF - full transcript

They say being
a stay-at-home mom

is the noblest
and hardest profession

a woman could have,

but they're all lying.

It's the greatest scam on earth.

I never have to put on pants...
[yawns]

My boobs magically
make baby food,

and I get to spend all day
with my best buddy Leo.

Hey, Leo.
Can you pass the chips, please?

Oh.

Hey, babe.



What the hell happened here?

Where's... where's dinner?

I was in surgery for six hours.

You didn't make any dinner?

How could I have done that?
We just woke up.

What'd you do all day?

I think I taught Leo
how to use a cell phone,

and we made this. Ta-da!

Baby's first enemies list.

There's Princess Charlotte,
Silas Timberlake,

that noisy garbage truck

that wakes him up every morning.

Did you think about, maybe,

tidying up the apartment
a little bit?



Oh, that reminds me.

The housekeeper
didn't show up today.

I hope Sylvia's okay.

Plus, I have a garbage bag
full of old Spanx for her.

Oh, I let Sylvia go.

I thought cleaning
would be your job now.

Danny, I can't clean!

I was born in this
country and I'm too lazy.

Min... [sighs]

Look, if we're gonna be
a single-income family,

we can't afford to eat
takeout every night

and have a housekeeper
wait on us hand and foot.

Ma did it with no help,
and she had to work

cleaning hotel rooms.

That's a good point.
I can do this.

That's the spirit.

You're gonna be
a great stay-at-home mom,

I know it.

Stay-at-home mom.

Can you remind me
what that job entails?

Cooking, cleaning,
laundry, paying the bills,

waxing the floors,
keeping the piano in tune,

stocking the pantry,
raising our son,

and maintaining
a positive attitude

that sets the tone for
the rest of the household.

[gasps] Oh... huh.

[hip-hop music]

Wow, you're up early.

Is Miss Piggy co-hosting
"The Today Show?"

No, she karate-chopped
Savannah Guthrie

and got banned from set.

Danny, getting up early
is an essential part

of being a stay-at-home MILF.

MILF.

A Mom I'd Like To French?

I like that.

This is my new job.

So, I just need
to take the focus

that I had in
my old job as a doctor,

and simply apply it to this.

For instance, my fiance's
morning cup of coffee.

Wow.

And I found this
really cool mommy blog

to help me: "Modern Mominista,

living a fabulous life one
dirty diaper at a time."

You can tell it's
a really classy site

because the banner ads
are for anti-depressants.

We... got a little
something in there.

Oh, no, you leave that in there.

That's the coffee.

You leave it in here?

Do you not like it?

I love it.

[hip-hop music]

[beeps]

Good morning, Shulman &
Associates,

and welcome to
your new intercom.

I noticed that our morning
meetings were becoming

interminable, because
I couldn't seem to get through

a single sentence
without interruptions.

- Dr. Reed, I need the day off.
- Dr. Reed,

this chair hurts my butt cheeks.

However, with this new
office-wide intercom,

I never need to be worried about

being interrupted ever agai...

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

I have a query, and I warn you,

it pertains to
matters of the heart.

Oh, you have a crush on me.

You're too old, I'm sorry!

Ah, don't tempt me, Beverly.

I have a hot air balloon
ride with your name on it.

In that case, pick me up at six.

I live in the alley.

No.

This is about my sweet darlin'
little baby sister, Colette.

I need to find her a man.

A man?

For what?
To spot her at the gym?

I could do that.

No, a male suitor.

Our grandfather's
wedding is coming up,

and I don't want her to
be the only woman there

without a dance partner,

especially since
she is so graceful.

[banging]

Damn it, open up you dick!

So, if y'all think of anyone

who might fit the bill,
I'd be greatly obliged.

Oh, and for your information,

Jewish is fine.

Hmm.

Colette's gay, right?

'Cause if not, I'm taking
back the walking stick

I got her for her birthday.

No, definitely,
I know gay when I see it, okay?

I was in prison

with Carson Kressley,
who's a great guy,

and totally changed
my sense of fashion.

- Look at that.
- Okay, guys.

Let's stop gossiping about this.

If Colette wants to come out,

let's let her do
it in her own way.

Richie came out during
his tumbling routine

at the high school talent show.

Brought down the house.

And that is our new
40-digit Wi-Fi password.

For security reasons,
I will never repeat it again.

- Come on, man!
- Dang, man!

Leo, you better hold
on to your pacifier,

because your mom is
about to transform

into a Modern Mominista.

Step Number One:
Take pride in your appearance.

Dress every day like
you're on a date

with your special little guy.

Dress nice?

Bitch,
you don't even need to ask.

Two: Take advantage
of the baby's nap

to clean the house.

But don't use the vacuum.
That'll wake him up.

Hand clean the floor with
all-organic products.

Hand clean?

I've never gotten on my knees

and not gotten
jewelry out of it.

[sprightly music]

♪ ♪

Step number one:
Take pride in your appearance.

Dress every day like
you're on a date

with your special little guy.

Okay, back on track.

What's next?

By now, you should be back

from your five-mile run,
and your duck

should be ready to
come out of the oven.

What duck? What run?

Oh, screw you.

[crash]

[sighs]

[phone vibrates]

[sighs]

Ho! Ow!

Hey, Morgan,
I need to talk to you.

Uh, you know I'm gay, right?

Yeah, I had a pretty good idea.

I mean,
your Pinterest is all pictures

of steaks you wanna cook.

I made it my homepage.

My brother doesn't
know that I'm gay,

and I'm not gonna
tell him because

the dude is old-fashioned.

I'm talking, he's got
a bullet in his shoulder

from a duel.

So you never tried to tell him?

It's easier this way.

Just pretend like
it doesn't exist.

But the problem now
is that he's trying

to find me a wedding date.

So... I wanted to see if you
would play my boyfriend.

Just till this blows over,
and then that's it.

Are you asking me out?

Yes, but as pretend,
so don't get...

[yells]

- This is my first ask-out.
- Really?

Congratulations,
because you got yourself

a boyfriend!

All right, yes!

No!

After a long day of
being a Modern Mominista,

there's no better reward
than your hubby's appreciation.

Welcome,
my beautiful breadwinner.

Hey. Wow.

Place looks great.

- Doesn't it?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me, my prince.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Baby's asleep,
the house has been

spotlessly cleaned with
useless organic products,

and for dinner,

the American classic:
Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Wow, that sounds great, babe.

- Bon appetite.
- Thank you.

["Worth It" by Fifth Harmony]

♪ Give it to me,
I'm worth it ♪

♪ Baby I'm worth it ♪

Whoa, babe!

♪ Uh-huh I'm worth it ♪

That's great. Thank you.

♪ Gimme gimme I'm worth it ♪

See you later. [door closes]

♪ Give it to me
I'm worth it ♪

♪ Baby I'm worth it ♪

♪ Uh-huh I'm worth it ♪

♪ Gimme gimme I'm worth it ♪

♪ Uh-huh,
see me in the spotlight ♪

♪ Ooh, I love your style ♪

♪ Uh-huh,
show me what you got ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
wanna waste my time ♪

♪ Uh-huh see me
in the spotlight ♪

♪ Ooh I love your style ♪

♪ Uh-huh show me
what you got now ♪

♪ Come and make it
worth my while ♪

♪ Give it to me,
I'm worth it ♪

- [gasps]
- [cries]

♪ Baby I'm worth it ♪

- Oh, you, come here.
- ♪ Uh-huh I'm worth it ♪

- [laughs]
- Ow... oh.

♪ Gimme gimme I'm worth it ♪

Oh. Mm.

♪ Give it to me
I'm worth it ♪

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, sweetie.

Dinner's ready, and I made us

something very special for TGIF:

Queso panini
and my take on hot gazpacho.

Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

I mean,
I guess you could call it that.

Oh, thanks, but you know what?

I, uh, I picked up something

on the way home,
so I'm all good.

Is there something wrong
with my home-cooked meal?

No, absolutely not.
No, it's just that

you mastered grilled cheese.

Maybe it's time to, you know,

try cooking something else?

Sure, yeah,
I'll just take cooking classes

at the Manhattan Institute
for Women with Infinite Time!

Okay, just... just
forget I said that.

Uh, why don't you cool off,

and while you do that,
I'll hit the gym.

You know what?

Why don't you stay here
and look after Leo,

and I go out for a while?

I haven't been outside

since I took
our trash to the river.

I just... I was hoping to

take a break, I mean...

I worked all day.

Yeah, I also worked all day,

and I would also love a break.

But your job's fun.

I'm jealous,
you get to hang out all day

with the coolest
little guy around.

- Hang out all day?
- Yeah.

You think this is a vacation?

You think I'm laying on the
beach tits-deep in a margarita?

If you think this is so easy,
Danny,

then why don't you try it?

You would die.

I don't think so.

I think I'd be
pretty good at it.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Well then, you got a deal, bud.

On Monday, I'm gonna go to work,

and you can stay at home.

Great, sounds like a lot of fun.

You can call me
"Stay-at-home Dan."

I will,
because it sounds pretty stupid.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go to the gym

while you take care of our son.

Good.

Damn it,
now I have to go to the gym.

Okay, stay-at-home daddy,
I am off to work.

So, where's my break...

fast.

French toast, Mon amour?

Damn it,
this is restaurant-quality.

You know, it helps if
the brioche is fresh,

so I stopped at the bakery
on the way back from my run.

You already went on a run?

Yeah, you were half-asleep.

You mumbled something
about Taylor Swift,

and then you rolled
over and farted.

Your poached eggs should be
ready in three, two, one...

[timer dings]

There we go.

Congratulations, everyone.
Your prayers have been answered,

because Mindy Lahiri... ow!

What the hell, dude?

I am so sorry.
It just... it's...

it's lunchtime pigskin.
Lunchtime pigskin.

- Gosh!
- Sorry.

Morgan and I were
just practicing

for our family's weekend
touch football game.

- Ho!
- Huh?

Why would you be
invited to that?

No, you're not hunting
him for sport, are you?

No, we don't do that anymore.

- Ah.
- Morgan's invited

because he's Colette's
new boyfriend.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

There's my girl. What?

Get this: Everyone's calling us

Colorgan, which I hate.

Guys, please.

Yes, I love men,

I love being in
this relationship.

Mm.

What a hot and natural couple.

Isn't it?
Morgan is a fine young man.

We're going golfing later.

Uh, by golf,
you mean the Frisbee variety?

[laughs] Morgan,
you are a panic.

- I love it.
- I know.

- Oh!
- Catch!

- Come on, shnookums.
- That's my boyfriend.

Now excuse me,
but would you mind if I ask:

What are you doing back here?

- What am I doing here?
- Yeah.

That's like asking
Rihanna what she's doing

at the Met Ball.

I'm the queen of this ish.

But, if you must know,

Danny's taking care of our baby

and I am covering his workload.

So the hysterectomy I was
going to do with Danny,

now I'm doing it with you?

Yeah, man. Yeah.

You bet your sweet ass you are.

And we're gonna listen
to my playlist, so I hope

you like "Monster Mash"
and Tracy Chapman.

God!

I'm so sorry!

Well, Leo,
today is gonna be easy as pie.

Speaking of which...

Yeah.

- Yeah, looks good, right?
- [whines]

Okay, let me cross
that off the to-do-list.

"Bake apple pie." We're
right on schedule.

Go to the pediatrician early,
we'll still have time

to work on
our Italian flashcards.

What's next?
Cable guy's five minutes late.

That's okay, right?

That's why
we schedule wiggle room.

- [moans]
- Oh... whoop!

Rattle down. I'll get it.

Oh, damn it. Um...

Okay, that's okay. No worries.

That's why you always
bake a second pie.

- Hey.
- Hey, man.

What the hell are you
doing with Colette?

We're dating and we're in love.

Okay. That's obviously not true.

Morgan, you cannot turn
gay people straight.

I know, I know. Listen, listen.

Okay, Colette asked
me to be the beard

at her grandfather's wedding,

but now Dr. K is
treating me like family.

He took me on his boat.

No one has ever done
that and brought me back.

You cannot keep a Southern
family's gay secret

for personal gain.

What are you,
in a Tennessee Williams play?

Whoa, am I smart?

You shouldn't help Colette lie.

And this is coming from
someone who loves to lie.

I need more time.

Jody's teaching me how
to play the spoons.

Look at this. Ready?

♪ Got a little
woman in Tu... ♪

[clatters]

It happens seven or eight
times a day, and frankly,

I'm getting sick of it.

Attention, y'all.

This message is for Morgan.

I'm not gonna finish
my chicken pot pie.

Please make
your way to the kitchen

if you would like some
leftover gravy and peas.

Did you hear that?
It's my favorite food: Scraps!

I need this. Please.

- Okay.
- Great.

Please refrain from
using the intercom

for announcements
about chicken pot pie.

My son's late for
a doctor's appointment,

so how long's it gonna be?

What? What do you mean,

"What's a guy doing
home at 2:00 p.m.?"

I'll tell you what
I'm doing home,

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

That's okay now.

No, you're getting heated!

[line clicks]

Oh, he hung up on me.

Cable company hung up on me.

Aah. Aah!

Ow, God! God damn it!

[sighs] Okay.

[phone vibrates]

Okay.

Oh, it's Mommy.

Okay, okay.

[sighs]

["Monster Mash" by
Bobby "Boris" Pickett]

♪ I was working in
the lab late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld
an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster, from
his slab began to rise ♪

That was a great surgery.

I forgot how much
I like slicing open women.

Thank God I became a doctor.

After that,
I think we deserve a treat.

Whoa. The flask?

Mine was confiscated at
the American Girl store.

What is this? Mike's Hard?

Oh, that's craft whiskey.

The field of rye was fertilized

only by the leavings of
Kentucky Derby winners.

So fancy and gross.

What are we drinking to?

How about your last day of work?

I can't believe I'm saying this.

I'm sorry you won't
be there tomorrow

to assist in
my triplet delivery.

Yeah. I need to be
home with my son.

You know, Danny's right.

A child needs his doctor mother

to be home to clean the floors

and to prepare
the father gourmet food.

And that's what
I want to be doing.

So...

Sounds like you
need another sip.

Uh, no?

You already drank it all.

Yeah.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, good, you're still here.

I thought you were gone.

No, no, no, no, I'm still here.

Still working mom
till the end of the day.

Good, because I need
something feminine

to wear to my grandpa's wedding.

This is the only dress I own.

It was from my first communion.

Colette, we need to talk.

Sit down.

You have to tell
your brother the truth.

If you are not living
your authentic self,

what even was
the point of "Glee?"

Well, the problem's Jody.

I just... I love him so much,

I... I want to be
the... the girly-girl

he's always wanted me to be.

Even if that means
I have to lie.

Forever.

You shouldn't hide who you are

from someone you love.

Oh, my God.

I'm in the closet too.

Definitely not. Like, hard no.

Not even close.

Yes, but I'm keeping a secret
from a man that I love.

I'll tell you a secret.

I don't wanna be
a stay-at-home mom.

I want to come to work.

I just... I don't know
how to tell Danny.

Well if he loves you,
he'll understand.

I guess I gotta tell
Jody the truth too.

I just gotta find a way
to tell him delicately.

Hey, boo.

Jody is starting
to get suspicious,

so you and I have to
start openly kissing,

and maybe get a little grab-sy.

Oh, God, no! No!

Ugh!

[grunts] God.

Hey, everybody. It's Colette.

I'm a lesbian.

Over and out.

I'm proud of you.

I feel so good!

Colette!

No!

Colette,
you're not really gay, are you?

I mean, this is just another
one of your funny pranks, right?

Like when you kissed
that girl in your class,

or asked that girl to prom?

Oh, dear.

It's not a prank, Jody.

Listen, she's not gay.
Relax, okay?

This is just a ruse
so I will propose to her,

and it's working.
Colette, I love you.

- No, I... yeah...
- I just need a minute.

This is all so shocking.

Really?

Every Halloween
I went as John Elway.

It's not that you're gay.

I've known plenty of gays.

Heck, half the guys
in boarding school

were messing around
with each other.

Amen, sister.

Wait, then why are you so upset?

Because I love you, Colette,

and now your life isn't gonna
be the one I pictured for you,

and neither will mine.

I mean, now I'll never
have a brother-in-law.

We were gonna grill together,

complain about our wives.

Jody, don't you get it?

I'm gonna be
that brother-in-law.

What do you mean?

I like dumb blondes
just like you do.

I mean, we're both gonna
marry hot trophy wives

who love to shop.

[whispers] With
really big breasts.

The biggest.

This coming out is
getting less touching.

And who do you think's
gonna sit on the bench

at the mall,
holding their purses?

- Me and you.
- Damn right!

- Come here.
- Oh!

- [sighs]
- Okay, okay.

Thanks, Dr. Lahiri,
for the advice.

I'm really glad
I said how I feel.

I don't care if you're gay,
or straight,

or trans.

I'm in love with you,
and all that matters

is that you are my girlfriend.

- No.
- Coulda been the best.

- Don't.
- You coulda had the best.

Hey, sweetheart.

Don't worry,
I had a hard first day too.

Hey, babe.

Oh, my God, are you painting?

Yeah, it's just watercolors.

Relaxes me.

This place looks amazing.

Oh, I don't know if
it looks amazing.

I mean, I almost didn't
get to wax the floor

because I was glazing the duck.

Somehow, miraculously,
I managed to do both.

You did both.

Hey, have a seat.

Now I'm gonna wash up,
and we'll say grace, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Leo. We need to talk.

Thing is, genetically speaking,

you're half your dad
and half me,

which is mostly a good thing.

Probably inherit your dad's hair

and my ability to
remember sleights.

And I really hope you
inherit your dad's ability

to be great at
everything he tries.

But you might be like me,

and I'm only great at one thing:

My job.

God, you shoulda seen
me in the surgery today.

Even Karen the anesthesiologist
gave me a high-five,

and I've told you
what a bitch she is.

I just want you to be
proud of me, baby...

which is why I have
to go back to work.

I just don't know how
to tell your dad yet.

Wait a second.

That's a hotel-quality
bed corner.

[dramatic music]

It's so tidy in there!

Ah, thanks.

Well, you know,
what I like the most

was this towel swan.

- What?
- This towel swan that you made.

The swan I made out of a towel.

It's funny, because
I remember you telling me

that origami was disrespectful
to Pearl Harbor vets.

Oh, no, no, no, I changed
my mind on that whole theory.

Well, since I'm gonna
be home tomorrow,

thought maybe you could,
uh... show me how you did it.

- The towel swan?
- Yeah.

See, that's... oh, yes.

Once over there...
And then we, uh...

- Hmm.
- These towels are a little

starchy right now, but, uh...

No, that doesn't
look like a swan.

Cross over, and then we, uh...

- What's that?
- The gun in "The Godfather."

That sucks. Give that to me.

Here. Okay.

- I cannot believe you.
- What?

You brought
your mother in as a ringer

to make me look bad.

Fine. I had help, okay?

But it wasn't to
make you look bad.

It was...

it was because you were right.

My schedule was in
shreds by 12:00.

I called Ma crying. Okay?

I couldn't do it.

It's hard.

It's really hard.

I wasn't lying,
like my allergy to vegetables.

I don't know how you do it.

I changed my shirt,
like, four times.

He just... he saw a new
shirt come, he was like...

- Blech.
- Yeah, big challenge.

Did he do that thing
where he's clearly crying

but there's no sound coming out,
he's like...

Yeah, that's exactly
what he does.

By the way,
we're switching to those diapers

that are bad for
the environment.

I've already been using them,
actually.

I keep them in
the ceiling with my candy.

I'm a lucky guy.

I'm with someone
that actually wants

to do this every day.

I have to talk to
you about something.

What's up?

I haven't been...

[phone rings] - Sorry,
hold on one sec.

Hey, Little Danny,
how's my favorite half-sister?

What's up on the Worst Coast?

You don't need to cry.
I'm only joking around with you.

California's not...

Wait, what?

My dad had a heart attack.

Okay, Little Danny, well,
I'm gonna... I'm gonna

get out there as soon as I can.

Just call me if
anything changes.

Okay.

[phone beeps]

Are you okay?

He's stable, but...

Son of a bitch smoked
his whole life.

I mean, I told him, "You can't...

"You gotta exercise,
Dad," and he ate like crap,

I mean, it's no surprise.

[sighs]

Okay. I gotta get out there.

I mean, I don't know
what kind of doctors

he has out there.

I got a delivery on Wednesday.

What are they gonna
do in the office

without either one of us?

[sighs]

Damn, what am I talking about?

I can't go.

I... we have a son.
I'm not... no, no, no.

I'm... I'm... I'm not gonna go.
I gotta stay with Leo.

It's okay, it's okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna help you pack,
and then

you're gonna go out there
and be with your dad

and with your sister.

And then, I'm gonna go back
to work while you're gone,

and your mom can
take care of Leo

like she did today, and...

It's gonna be okay.

[poignant music]

Oh, God, you're the best.

Thank you.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

It's gonna be okay, right?

Uh... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna call Richie.

Thank you, babe.

I'm actually happy
to go back to work.