The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Bitch Is Back - full transcript

After a lifetime of searching,

I've finally found
my perfect man.

He's cute, fun,
and he loves to cuddle.

He's a little young,
but we have so much in common.

We watch all the same shows.

Thanks for turning me
on to this show, Leo.

I just
wish the mysteries

weren't so hard.

And when we go out,

he always gets me
special treatment.

Do you mi... thank you,
thank you.



Here, take those.
You're such a nice guy.

If... do you mind putting
this in the back.

Would you? Thank you.

But when we stay in,
that's when it gets

real intimate.

Do you like bath time?

And he's really into my body,
especially my boobs.

Hey, come on.

Don't talk about
the kid like that.

- It's gross.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just...
I'm so obsessed with him.

I didn't think it was possible
to love someone more than you,

but then Leo came around,
and I was like,

"Danny, who dat?"



I know what you mean.

I'm excited for you to
stop by work tomorrow.

Be good for everyone to
get to know the little guy.

It'd be good for
Leo's immune system

to be around Morgan.

Oh, I miss the old gang.
Tamra, Jeramery...

- Jeremy.
- Hmm.

My God, is maternity
leave over that soon?

It went by so fast.

You're not ready to go back yet?

'Cause you don't have to go
back to work if you don't want.

- Ever?
- Sure, why not?

I don't know, Danny.
Be a stay-at-home mom?

What would the stay-at-home
moms that I cyber-bully

on Pinterest say?

Look, I just think it's
gonna be a lot harder

to go back than you think.

Being a working mom
is really tough.

I don't know.
According to movie posters,

it's just like carrying
a briefcase and a baby bottle

at the same time.

Well, look, I just want
you and Leo to be happy.

- That's it.
- Danny, I love working.

I've always worked.
I didn't change

just 'cause I had a kid.
I'll always make time for Leo,

my sexy little boy-toy that...

- Okay, I heard it then.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

Oh, sweetie.
You're hungry again?

I just fed you. All right.

Well, you certainly
got Mom's appetite.

God, what's in these?
Chocolate milk?

Ugh. My God.

Sir? Is everything okay?

Were you... were you
groining at moi?

No offense, ma'am,
but there is a time and a place

- for that.
- Okay.

Like it's so horrible
for you to have to stare

at my gorgeous cans.

It's just that,
most people consider the subway

a public space, except for you,

and this Asian fellow
clipping his toenails.

Okay, that Asian
fellow's name is Henry,

and he happens to be my friend.

Keep doing you, Henry.

And guess what, pal?

No man tells me what
to do with my body.

Only women's
magazines can do that.

Well, that's the trouble
with women like you.

You confuse exploitation
with empowerment.

Are strip clubs empowering? No.

Is Hooter's
restaurant empowering?

I don't think so.

For my 40th birthday,
when I hired

two Georgia State cheerleaders
to wrestle in barbecue sauce,

was that empowering?
It most certainly was not.

It was fun, though.

Those girls had a good time.

So, I ask you,
ladies and gentlemen,

now how is what this woman
is doing any different?

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Okay, first of all, I do
think Hooters is empowering.

I've been there several
times and had a great meal.

Second of all,
God gave me these breasts.

Well, God and Dr. Yim's
Miracle Breast Cream,

but I can do whatever
I want with them, okay?

Put them away.

- You know what, I'll do it.
- Thank you.

If I wanted to see
a Gauguin painting,

I would have gone to the museum.

Yeah!

Guess what, pal?
Joke didn't land,

'cause I don't know who that is.

Okay,
that's not nice.

Hey, Tamra, I need your help.

I got Mindy a little present

for enduring the pains of labor.

It's called a push present,
Grandpa.

I thought you said
push presents were B.S.

propagated by the "Today"
show and "Big Bracelet."

Yeah, that was before
Mindy squeezed out

the love of my life.

Anyway, this is what I got her.

Check this out.

♪ ♪

Stop the damn music.
What the hell was that?

It's a dance. Worked before.

Dr. L just had your baby.

No woman wants a dance
as a push present.

I don't care how good
a dancer you are.

I don't care if you're Michael.

Jackson?

Flatley.
The Lord of the Dance, ugh.

You're racist.

Look, I'll...
I'll get her a nice present.

Thanks for the help.
I appreciate it.

Two days of choreography
down the tubes.

I have never been
so offended in my life.

Oh, how I have
missed that sound.

Hey, guys. Hey, Jeramery.

So today,
when I was on the subway,

I was shamed for breastfeeding.

Oh, my God.
Finally some class in this...

What is Leo doing here?

- What?
- Why did you bring him?

I thought you were rolling solo.

- Huh?
- Nothing.

Hey, what's up, Leo?
How you doing, dude?

Ooh, look at
the cute little baby.

There he is.
Put her there, partner...

No! Get off! Get off!

- Everybody get off.
- Okay.

- Purell, okay?
- Really?

- Just washed minutes ago.
- Let's do it again.

- Okay.
- Congratulations.

He's very dark.

All aboard the Daddy Express.

I just want to say,
I've worked here for years,

and I've never been offered
a ride on Dad Express.

Mindy, I'm sure Danny told you
we hired a new doctor and nurse,

- Jody and Colette.
- You're gonna love them.

Jody wears cool-ass suits,

and Colette started
Thirsty Thursdays.

Oh, yet, when I suggested
we do Martini Monday Mornings,

I was called a "alcoholic."

You know what?
They must be really cool.

Well, naa... they're...
they're kinda cool,

but they're not...
they're not this cool.

Ho!

Ugh, ugh.

- Oh!
- Aah!

What were you even trying to do?

Hey, why is all
the extra toilet paper

- in my office?
- Okay.

When you're not around,
we just don't go through

- as much.
- How is that possible?

- There's two new people here.
- I know.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God,
I missed you so much!

Your maternity leave
has been hell for me.

As it should be,
but don't worry.

I'll be back next
week full-time.

Full-time.
That's what I'm talking about.

I thought you were gonna
wuss out and cut your hours

like those moms
who love their kids.

Well, I mean, some nights
I'll want to go home early.

Go home early?
What are you, crazy?

For the past two months,
I have single-handedly

been running that fertility
practice of yours.

I know,
and I really appreciate it.

No, you shouldn't.
I've been doing a bad job.

I mixed up the eggs.

- What?
- Yeah, it's a bad situation.

You need to come back
here full-time, dude.

I just know... I've been
spending so much time with Leo,

I hadn't really thought
about coming back

to two full-time jobs
and raising a baby.

And yeah, I just, I don't...
I don't think

putting Leo up for adoption
is the right answer.

- What?
- "It's not the answer,"

- is what I said.
- No.

- No, obviously.
- You know what Danny said?

He said that maybe I should
be a stay-at-home mom.

Yeah, but,
you're all about work.

That's why you don't
give me holidays off.

I don't know, Morgan.
Maybe Danny's right.

I mean,
I'm already so stressed out.

You should have heard that jerk
on the subway this morning.

Good morning, everybody.

If I did,
knuckle sandwich on rye.

- Hey, Tamra.
- Wait, I can hear that jerk.

- He's here.
- Oh, it's punching time.

Oh, my God, it's him. It's him.

Hey, man. Hey, hi, remember me?

What the hell are
you doing here?

I'm Dr. Jody Kimball-Kinney.
I'm the new doctor here.

That's Jody. Everyone loves him.

What's up, dog?

Oh, no, no, no.
This will not stand.

My subway shamer
can not work here.

Mindy, I see you've met
our new doctor and nurse,

siblings Jody
and Colette Kimball-Kinney.

I told you about them, remember?

They moved here from Georgia.

Yeah, when you told me
about Jody and Colette

from Georgia,
I thought they were

an older black couple,
whose love has seen them

through America's most
turbulent decades.

Not this jerk.

Hey, I'm Colette.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.

If it helps, I do go to
a historically black hair salon.

- Yeah.
- Okay, I took her.

I didn't really want to,
but she's such a good listener.

You, on the other hand,

are exactly what
Jeremy described to me.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know,
you think you're so cool

with your awesome suit,
and your superior attitude.

Hey, man, guess what?

The picnic table called,

they want their tablecloth back.

Up here.

Um, Jeremy,
why did you hire these clown?

Look, Mindy, I'm sorry

that you've gotten
off on the wrong foot,

but I've know these
two since I was a boy.

As a foreign exchange student,
I stayed with their family

in Georgia.

We had us some adventures,
didn't we?

Yes, I was quite the rebel.
I ate a hushpuppy,

I used paper napkins,
walked barefoot in grass...

- Mm-hmm.
- Got a flatworm.

- No big deal.
- And every afternoon,

we'd wrestle till supper.
Come on.

- Aah, don't.
- They're doing it.

Cowards forfeit!
Cowards forfeit!

It was a golden time.

And, uh, when we told
Jeremy we were looking

to move to New York,
he was kind enough

to fix us up with a job.

Ah, being a nurse in New York

is cake compared to the South.

Way less diabetes,

and you never have to cut
anyone out of their house.

Plus, I love my new co-workers.

These two really brought this
whole office together, Dr. L.

Oh, on the other hand,
the pace of a city doctor

is nowhere near as languid.
If you'll excuse me,

Mrs. Morrison just
went into labor.

Wait, Mrs. Morison?
That's my patient.

- You have a pleasant afternoon.
- You too, Jody.

- Bye, Colette.
- I'm sorry.

Don't talk to me
like I don't know

who Mrs. Morrison is.
I invented Mrs. Morrison.

Hey, guys. What happened?

I ain't working
with no hillbillies.

We gotta figure something out.

Listen, I will kill
anyone you ask me to,

but I think I might be team
Colette and Jody on that one.

- I can't.
- Mindy.

What's going on?

Danny,
I can not work with that guy.

He is the antithesis of
everything that I stand for.

The freedom to hate-watch
strangers' wedding videos?

No, like,
women's rights or whatever.

Well, there is one way you
wouldn't have to deal with Jody.

Yeah, frame him for murder,

but where would
we find the body?

The morgue. You're right.

- I call Justin.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about
if you stayed home.

I mean, you wouldn't have to
work with Jody or anybody.

Danny, there's no way
that I'm staying home now.

I mean, Jody would love that.

I don't know. Is it smart

to make such a big decision
based purely out of spite?

That's why I do everything.
The only reason I became

a doctor is because
my bitch guidance counselor

told me I couldn't.
Miss Parsons.

Look, I'm not crazy
about Jody either.

He talks really slow.
He hates New York.

He keeps calling me "Biscuit."

Well, what should I do?

Well, you need to
weigh all your options.

I mean, you were happy
and calm yesterday,

now only a couple
hours back at work,

and you're so stressed out,
you can't stop

clenching your fists.

Okay, one, that's not true.
Two, I'm calm as hell...

Crap.

Okay, fine. Yes, I am stressed,

but I'm stressed
because of Jody,

not 'cause of work.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you.

He's a great doctor.

Unless he gives Jeremy
a reason to fire him,

Jody isn't going anywhere.

So he just has to
make one mistake.

Can you plot to yourself?
We're still not married.

I'd have to testify against you.

Yes, sorry, sorry.

So he just has to
make one mistake.

You're still doing it.

Hey, what ever happened with
the push present, Dr. C?

Ugh, don't worry about it.
I took care of it.

I just Googled "perfect
gifts for mom."

- Oh, no.
- Yeah,

I got her a luxurious
cranberry turtleneck.

I left it for her
as a surprise this morning.

Oh, boy.

Do you mean "oh, boy," like,
in an excited way?

Because
your inflection was way off.

A turtleneck is, like,
what you get your aunt

when she graduates from
court reporter school.

Aw, you're crazy.
If you saw the garment,

you'd understand.
The one I gave her

is a cable-knit, merino wool,
cranberry turtleneck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, I'm sorry.

Did you say you got Dr. L
a cranberry turtleneck?

That's crazy. Dr. L gave me

this cranberry turtleneck today.

What... what are the chances?

She gave that to you?

Yeah, I dropped off her
dry-cleaning this morning,

and she said,
"Here, this is trash

that someone left on
my bed as a prank."

So... win-win.

Well,
it obviously looks bad

on Morgan.

What does? My haircut.

I know. I know, okay.

I fell asleep in a fan.
Everyone happy now?

I knew they'd notice.

Push present?

More like, based on
the novel "Push" by Sapphire

in that these gifts are
an endless series of tragedies.

You're really not good at this.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I mean, no dance, no sweater.

- What about a bread maker?
- Oh, fine.

I'll help you find a present.

- Meet me in the sewers at dawn.
- No.

I'm taking him to
the jewelry store.

Okay.

All right, Jody,
you're going down,

and that's coming from
the queen of going down.

Okay, Leo,
we're gonna find out the dirt

on Jody,
and you are the lookout.

Cool? Okay.

♪ ♪

- Hey!
- Oh, God!

- Oh, uh, hey, Jody's sister.
- Hey.

I was just looking
for your brother.

He said he had an old book
he... he wanted to give me.

- Oh.
- So, I was just looking

through all of these.

Hey, are you okay?

- Are you crying?
- No, I'm...

I'm just allergic
to the big city.

Hey, man, I hate it here.

Oh, God,
did a pigeon steal your pretzel?

- You always have to buy two.
- No.

This place is just
so different from our town.

Back there,
I had so many friends.

I was head cheerleader and
captain of the football team.

- Well, why did you leave?
- Jody wanted to,

and we do everything together.

At least we did,
until an Uber driver

ran over our tandem bicycle.

God, this city sucks.

Hey, it doesn't suck.

It just takes some
getting used to.

When I first moved here,
I was so lonely,

I started dating
a statue in Central Park.

- Oh.
- But, eventually,

I made human friends,
and so will you.

I mean, look, you already
made friends with me,

and I think Leo thinks
you're pretty cool.

He's... he's pretty cool too.

All right.

That's awesome.
My first New York friends.

Let's body-five
and make it official.

- Come on.
- You know,

in New York City,
we don't body-five.

- We give quick, courteous hugs.
- Oh.

- Let's try it.
- Okay.

- Oh, that was nice.
- Has the same impact

- as a body-five, right?
- Yeah.

Oh, and, uh,
my brother actually went home.

He just finished up
Mrs. Morrison's delivery.

It sounded like it was
pretty difficult, so...

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Hey, Mrs. Morrison,
I had to come and see you

because I heard that you
had such a hard delivery.

Yeah, it was the hardest thing

I've ever had to do in my life.

You want to just maybe tell me
everything that Dr. K did wrong?

Um, this will be recorded
for quality assurance.

No, he didn't do anything wrong.

Okay. Sure, not medically,

but, kinda creeped you out,
right?

He was, like,
a little inappropriate,

little handsy with the nurses.

No, that's what you do.

Actually,
Dr. K was a perfect gentleman.

Perfect gentleman?
You want to tell me

that guy was
a perfect gentleman?

Okay. So, you were saying,

you had a repressed memory
about Dr. K molesting you.

I loved Dr. K,
and my husband loved

how old-fashioned he was.

When Bob came in the room
after the birth was over,

the doctor handed him
a cigar and a savings bond

for the baby. How cute is that?

Yeah, well, we're not really
supposed to give gifts

like that, so that was,
like, weird, but...

great to see you.

Wait, so your husband wasn't
there when you gave birth?

Yeah, Dr. K thought that that
way my vagina could remain

a beautiful mystery
for my husband.

What?

Your vagina is not
supposed to be a mystery.

That is so sexist...

and kinda fireable.

- Come here, you.
- Okay, okay.

We talked about the kissing,
Dr. L.

How about this ring with
the diamond baby on it?

I don't know.

Ooh, you can get her
a necklace that says,

"100% Mom Realness" in jewels.

- Yeah, nah.
- Okay.

Well, you're not allowed
to cheap out on this

like you did on my birthday.

No Yogurtland gift card for $15.

What about this?

Those are amazing.

Yeah.

What did you do,
you son of a bitch?

- Did you cheat on her?
- No.

No, look, I want to get
Mindy something good

because I love her.

You're lying.

Oh, my God, it's Beverly.

I knew it.
You guys are the same age.

What? No.

Look, I want Mindy to
stay home with Leo,

so I thought if I bought
her something nice,

it might help convince her.

You're trying to
buy Dr. L's freedom?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, she love being a mom,
and work stresses her out,

and I make enough money
for the both of us.

So what? Jay-Z's so rich,

he throws his car out
when it runs out of gas,

and he doesn't stop
his wife from working.

If you want to
give Dr. L a gift,

don't tell her to quit her job.

She's already bled
and sacrificed for you,

what have you
sacrificed for her, huh?

I don't know.
That's a good question.

I never thought about that.

Now buy me that ring with
the diamond baby on it.

I'm furious at you right now.

Excuse me,
I need some help with this ring.

I see your point about
the new speculums,

- but if... if I may...
- Jeremy, Jeremy.

- You should fire this guy.
- What?

He told my patient that her
husband should not be there

for the birth of her baby,
because it was "unladylike."

- He's such a sexist.
- Please, Mindy,

- Jody is not a sexist.
- Oh, yes.

- I most certainly am a sexist.
- What?

- See? See?
- Hey, man, let me explain.

Now what is the definition
of the word sexist?

Is it that I believe there
are traditional differences

- between men and women?
- Yes.

Well, if anyone should be
offended by that comparison,

it's men.

We all know that men are dirty,
disgusting rascals.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, they are.

Why, when I was a boy,
I pulled a frog

out of the creek,
and I lit it up with dynamite.

- Ugh, typical.
- He had to go to a therapist

for that.

Whereas my sweet Colette
found an orphan skunk pup

and raised it as her own,

so sweet was her
feminine disposition.

Jody blew him up, too.

Had to go
back to the therapist.

Now, this woman
think I detest women,

yet I've devoted
my life to the study

of the feminine biology.
That's how much I cherish them.

- Yep.
- That's sweet.

- Yeah.
- Now, the scriptures would

have us believe that Eve
was the source of all sin.

Well, I hope
the Lord will forgive me

if I beg to differ.

For was not the serpent a man?

- Technically, yeah.
- What?

That got applause?

Are you out of your minds?
Even Harper Lee's health aide

- wouldn't publish that.
- I think I'm sexist.

- I'm sexist.
- Do racism next.

G-g... I can't believe you guys.
All right.

You either fire him,
or I'm gone.

Okay, Mindy, come on.

Well, maybe
that would be for the best.

Hey!

Dude, you shouldn't
have said that.

Oh, you would love that,
wouldn't you?

You would love it if
I packed up my bags,

went home, took care of my baby,

and hit out, 'cause you think
I should be more demure.

You think I should
be more ladylike.

Want to see ladylike?
How's this for ladylike?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, God.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, God.
- What are you doing?

I meant to flash him.
I didn't mean to spray milk

in his face.

- Calm... sorry.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

There, there, old friend.

- I've got it all.
- It's gonna be okay.

Okay, it... breast milk is
the most nutritious substance

in the whole world.
I mean, at a spa,

that would probably cost,
like, $200, that treatment.

Mindy,
I think you should apologize

to Jody right now.

- An apology, at last?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, let me get my slippers,
make myself comfortable.

You know, don't bother. I quit.

You quit, and I kill myself.

Okay, sit down, sit down.

Hey, Min, you don't really
want to quit, do you?

I think I do, Danny.

I don't fit in here anymore,

and I don't even
know if I want to.

And honestly,
there's someone at home who

loves it when I squirt
breast milk in his face.

I'd rather be with him.

So, thank you, Jody, for making
this so much easier for me.

Danny, I will see you at home,

when you finish your work
day with these penis-brains.

I'm sorry.
We're not penis-brains.

Hey, Dr. L!

Wait up.

Oh, God.

Is my skirt tucked into
my underwear again?

Every time I think
I make a cool exit.

No, no. Your underwear's fine.

I wanted to apologize
for my brother.

He's having a hard time
adjusting to New York

like I am.
He still says hey to everybody

that he walks by. It's New York.

There's like a million people.

He was three hours
late to work yesterday.

Okay, well,

it's not 100% his fault.

I've been agonizing over
whether or not I should

come back to work at all.

It's been making
me a little crazy.

Listen, if you're gonna quit,
fine, but don't do it

because my brother
got under your skin

'cause you got
under his skin too.

The only time I hear him
speechifying things like that

is when he feels threatened.
Like when they said

they were gonna
cancel "Duck Dynasty."

I love those boys.

I would have freaked out too.

"Duck Dynasty" not withstanding,
I can't believe

that he was threatened by me.

Yeah, and for what it's worth,

I think you seem pretty cool,

and I want you to stay.

Yeah.

Aw, Colette,

I think you're great.

Thanks.

And if this were just
a little different,

and, I don't know,
we were on vacation together,

- like...
- Pfft. What?

No, I'm not hitting on you.

Geez.

Well, I think we have
a great chemistry,

but I... that's neither
here nor there.

No, just make your own decision.

- That's all I'm saying.
- Thanks for saying that.

And who knows?
Maybe you'll see me here

- back at work next week.
- Good.

And as for this,
we'll just see where this goes.

It's not going anywhere.

- I don't know, maybe.
- Ah, not going anywhere.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen,
I think earlier I overreacted

when I said
that I wanted to quit.

I wasn't going to say anything,

'cause Tamra said it was uncool.
It was a whole thing,

but I am overjoyed
that you want to stay at home.

- Yeah, but I-I cha...
- You're gonna be there

for all the big moments,
and Leo's gonna feel so loved.

And so secure because
he's gonna know

that someone's always
at home with him.

Babe, when I was growing up...

I never had that,
and I'm just so happy

that Leo will. Thank you.

I'm so happy, too.

I got you a little... just
a little push present.

You know, you bled
and you... you suffered for me,

and I felt like
it was only right

if I did too.

- Oh, my God, I love it.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

I cried when I got it,

but not just because it hurt...

♪ ♪

Thank you so much, babe.

♪ ♪