The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 3 - Leo Castellano Is My Son - full transcript
Mindy's attempt to liven up her maternity leave leads to excitement, danger and a big fight with Danny; Tamra spreads some hot gossip about Jeremy's new girlfriend.
Welcome home, Prince Leo.
Behold, one day all this
will be yours.
I hope you like
property taxes, kid.
Danny, you're already
making lame dad jokes.
I'll tell you what's a joke.
The parking at that hospital.
- Danny?
- Yeah?
- Where's our TV?
- And my laptop, and our booze.
Oh, my God, we've been robbed.
No, we haven't been robbed.
- I baby proofed the place.
- Baby proofed?
- Yeah.
- More like fun-proofed.
Look, I read in an article
that says kids
shouldn't watch screens
until they're 18.
I was literally raised on TV,
and I turned out perfect.
You have an attention span
of 15 seconds.
What?
Huh?
Hey, did you disable
the wifi?
- Yep.
- How am I gonna turn
my ill-informed mommy blog
into a book of stolen recipes?
- That's my dream!
- Look, it's gonna be hard
for me too.
Giving up the Weather Channel
Especially in an El Nino year.
Yeah. You do love El Nino.
We're both in this together,
okay?
Look at him.
He's all that matters.
- I love this guy.
- Hey, did you find my gun?
There's a gun in here?
No.
No.
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
Found it.
It was in the toilet.
_
_
Danny, what does that mean?
A beautiful boy could only
come from
such a beautiful mother?
Danny, I love that.
I'm gonna get that
as a tramp stamp.
- Yeah?
- That's gorgeous.
Come here.
Maybe I should take
paternity leave.
Are you kidding me?
Sex noises again?
- It's ridiculous.
- The third time this week.
- It's disgusting.
- I'm getting a UTI
just thinking about it.
You know what we used to do
when we heard sex noises?
We would just turn the volume up
on the TV, so maybe--
We should go next door
and talk to her
because we're not
bringing back the TV.
- Yes. Great idea.
- But--but--
- Let's do it. Come on, babe.
- Okay.
Just one sec, guys.
Just fool around with each other
for a minute, okay?
- Yeah?
- Can you quiet it down?
This is a family building,
not the last days of Rome.
Yeah, yeah, you guys are
the old married couple
- that live next door.
- I'm sorry, old?
No, no, no, no.
Him, maybe. Not me.
I'm essentially
a child bride.
Okay, regardless,
this is a family building,
so can you dial it down
a couple of shades of grey?
Okay, so I have to sit
and listen
to your baby cry all night?
I'd rather die than dial
anything down
for a couple of smug breeders
because in six months
when you guys move out
to Scarsdale
and you get fat and you die,
I'm gonna be here
partying with the anorexic
gay couple that moves in, okay?
- Okay, all right.
- All right.
- Oh.
Okay, so we agreed,
no screens,
no junk food
till he's done breastfeeding,
and no going outside
till he gets his vaccinations.
Except to go to the movies
with him,
which is fine
because I'm ethnic.
No, New York City is the
greatest city in the world,
but it's a vile cesspool
of disease.
We invented AIDS.
Take that, San Fran.
Okay.
I can stay inside.
Although I did email TMZ that
I'd be leaving the house today.
And most important,
keep this nearby
so Leo doesn't forget Papa.
That's sweet, but we are
saying "daddy" and "mommy."
None of this, like,
Papa, Mama,
European bull jive, okay?
We're Americans.
No.
- Mi familia.
Okay, you're getting
very Italian
and very emotional
this morning.
You guys--I love you guys
so much.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
I love you, too.
- Ciao bella.
Go out and make us
some money, okay?
I have very expensive
habits.
- I'll call you in five minutes.
- Bye, babe.
So as of now, we no longer
take the API insurance,
but we do take
Steve Harvey brand insurance.
So nice of you to finally
join us, Dr. Castellano.
Or should I say,
proud Papa Castellano.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Hey, where's Dr. L?
Oh, wait, let me guess.
She's at home with that baby.
She's with Leo, yeah.
They're doing great.
Not that anyone's asking.
She should be back
about, I don't know,
8 to 12 weeks.
Oh, that must be nice.
I didn't get any time off
when my dog had puppies.
- You took two weeks off.
- I only needed one.
I totally get it. I recently
missed an important lunch
because I was admiring
a butter-yellow dandelion
that had forced its way
through a pavement crack.
That's a weird
new attitude.
Yeah, Dr. Reed's been in
a real good mood
since he started
getting it on the reg.
On the reg with Whitney?
Well...
She knows you're going out,
right?
Indeed she does, Danny.
And I'm as happy
as a prawn in sauce.
Hey, Dr. R., since you're in
such a good-ass mood,
I was wondering if we could
revisit my request
for a "TLC Tuesdays"
dress code?
TLC Tuesdays?
You know, like,
I don't want no scrubs
to wear on my body.
No scrubs.
Well, that could be fun.
Oh, my God.
Thank you!
It will so not interfere
with work.
I just need
the next two hours off
- to plan what I'm going to wear.
- Get outta here.
I was planning on making
an Irish exit here,
but since you're in
such a good mood,
what the hell?
And my wife took me back.
So I'm quitting and going back
to Philly to be with her.
Adrian, that is
fantastic news.
No way, no.
No, no, no, no.
That's not fantastic.
No. If he quits,
there's only two doctors here.
More importantly,
if he quits,
I'm the only single guy
in the office.
Me.
The cute one.
Don't get in the way
of love.
Oh, my little buddy, Leo,
is up.
What kind of trouble
are we gonna get in today?
Any drama?
Any fun excitement?
Nothing?
Oh, my God, Danny.
There's an emergency!
What? Wha--wha--wha--wha--
Is Leo okay?
Is he okay?
What's going on?
I'm so bored.
- For God's sake.
- Danny, I have no internet.
I have no TV.
Did you know that Leo's not even
gonna talk until
he's 12 months old?
Yes, we're doctors.
You didn't know that?
I'm an OB-GYN, pal.
I'm not a pedo-atrician.
How can you be bored?
Our baby's like
a work of art.
It's like being at
the Guggenheim all day.
Do not bring up
the Guggenheim.
Remember they kicked me out
for tripping and falling
all the way down
the spiral?
I was worried
this might happen,
so I left you a care package.
It's in our closet.
A care package?
In the closet?
- Mindy?
- Thank you, Danny!
All right.
Leo, your daddy gave me
a present.
Ugh! Books?
Come on, dude.
Okay...
What do we got here?
Ahem.
"Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean."
Okay, this is hitting
a little too close to home.
Now, let's...
"The Adventures of
Huckleberry Finn."
Certainly has a lot of the
N-word like a Kanye song.
Oh, no, but it has a message
like a Common song.
No, thank you.
Hmm.
I hear this one's pretty good.
Very violent.
How can a book
with this many Jews in it
not have a single joke?
So, how are we feeling
these days, Mr. Reese?
There you go.
My husband left a year ago
and I've only recently felt
like I'm ready to love again.
Me and you both, sister,
'cause I'm single
and I'm looking for a nice girl
to take care of.
Well, you know,
we're kind of in the same boat.
It might be fun if you and I--
Shh! Quiet. Quiet.
Stop, stop.
That's Dr. L's ring.
Okay.
Hey, Dr. L, I guess you
butt dialed me.
I'm gonna hand up on myself.
So sorry to waste your time.
Wait, no, Morgan.
Don't hang up.
- Hello?
- I called you on purpose.
What's going on
in the office?
This is a social call?
Yeah, this is a social call.
Waited my whole life
for this.
I am so bored.
I'm finally getting around
to writing my sweet 16
thank you cards.
Well, oh, yeah,
my love life's in the toilet.
- Okay.
- It there not one woman
out there who is willing to date
a nice, poor man?
It sounds good to me.
Shh! Please, can you be quiet?
I'm on the phone.
Eileen, I need you
to be quite.
You talking to me?
This is a freaking big one.
Hello?
Wait.
That's the minimum wage?
Nobody tell Morgan.
Finally, some real news.
An ad.
Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal
are signing copies
of their new cookbook.
Jake and Maggie
are my favorite actor siblings.
Oh, man.
I know your dad doesn't want us
to leave the apartment,
but what are the chances that
Jake Gyllenhaal has rubella?
Like, 30% max.
_
_
Just, it's so hard
being alone at this time of year
because summer's over
and, you know,
the ladies are wearing
sweaters now,
so you can't see
their boobs so good.
Morgan, can I help you?
I hope so.
I've been talking to you
for a half hour.
Is there anything--
Just I've got
lots of work to do.
Well, I have to
work on myself.
- Whitney.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, baby.
- How are you?
- Better now.
- Oh, good, me, too.
God.
- I got to take this, okay?
- Okay.
The hell are you--
Fuego.
New lovers.
Can, uh, can we
take you out to lunch?
- Our treat.
- So you two can rub your love
in my face all meal?
Maybe.
Only 'cause I make
$2 an hour.
I will see you tonight.
Oh, I can't wait.
No, don't worry.
He doesn't suspect anything.
He's an idiot.
Okay, 8:00 at Averill's.
Got ya.
_
_
Well, Leo, we did it.
We meet the Gyllenhaals.
Peter Sarsgaard said to
your mommy,
"Get the hell
away from my wife."
That was pretty cool.
You cannot tell your father
about any of this, all right?
You keep all of
Mommy's secrets, don't you.
- Oh, God.
_
Leo.
Are you okay?
Try to throw the keys
under the door.
Damn it,
they're too big.
Oh, no.
Sexually-active hallmate!
Excuse me?
Oh, thank God.
Oh, it's you.
You back to do some more
slut-shaming?
You know,
you have some nerve.
'cause I've seen
you walking around
in those sweatpants
that say "ho" on the butt.
They say "hero," it's just my
crack eats the middle letters.
I need to use
your balcony.
I got locked out
of my apartment,
and my boyfriend cannot know
I left the house.
Why?
Is he holding you hostage?
You know what?
I railed a cop last night.
I can wake him up.
Okay, that's a plan B.
I need to help my baby, please.
All right.
Oh, man. There's a lot
of condoms out here.
Oh, the Clippers
were in town.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
Ah, my sweet junk food.
I'm coming for you, Leo!
I am so happy you're
one of those rich girls
that stays at home all day
and doesn't work.
What?
I'm a publicist.
Well, that's
a pretty easy job.
- For Bieber.
- Oh, God.
- I know.
- Okay.
Oh, mama.
I think I can do this.
- Okay.
- Oh, God,
my episiotomy stitches!
- Oh...
- Oh, that really hurts.
Oh, God.
We're so high up.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
- It's very scary.
- You can do this.
You can do this.
Matt Lauer does this
all the time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- I'm really scared.
I know, but it's okay.
You're halfway there.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
Okay.
One...
Two, three.
- You did it.
- I did--aah!
Okay, all right.
I saw that coming.
Oh, help me, Chelsea.
I'm gonna wipe my barbecue
fingerprints off on the baby.
You just go hide
all the junk food
and the portable DVD player
I had.
Where?
Uh, there is a hiding spot
under some floorboards
in the bedroom.
It's filled with candy!
Hide, hide!
Leo, I'm home.
Look at these two.
What happened here?
I was reading one of
your old Hardy Boy books.
Got really excited
and I knocked it over.
Oh, that's happened to me.
Which one were you reading?
I--it was the one
about the...cave?
Oh, you can't read that
by yourself at home.
No way.
It's really scary stuff.
- Right?
- It'll freak you out.
Ah, I have a delivery.
You know what?
I'll call Jeremy
and I'll ask if he can cover
so I can hang out with you guys.
No, leave, leave.
Please leave.
I want--I want the little one to
see your work ethic.
That is a great point.
It's never too early.
I had my first job at six.
I was a lookout for
the Puerto Rican Diablos.
Yeah.
Time to go.
- You should head out.
- Okay.
- Well, all right.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I love you.
Bye, sweetheart.
I'll see you
in a little while.
- Hey.
- Oh, God.
Whew, the a yapper
on that guy, huh?
Yeah, I know.
Thank you for helping me,
Chelsea.
I'm really sorry
about the other night.
Before I have a baby, I loved
listening to you bone randos.
And I loved falling asleep to
you munching on peanut brittle.
Danny banned
everything peanut
until Leo has
his allergy tests.
Wow.
Danny's really strict, huh?
Yeah, he already grounded Leo
for giving him the finger.
Well, at least he's hot
and rich enough to buy you
that giant engagement ring.
At this point
I would settle for an ugly-poor
if he were nice.
- You want to settle down?
- Yeah.
I thought you were slutty
for modern female
empowerment reasons,
not for old-fashioned sad ones.
Yeah, maybe in my 20s
that was my thing,
but now I see you,
and I'm, like, "That--
that looks kinda nice."
Would you really date anyone
as long as they were a nice guy?
Yes.
Like, anyone?
Yeah.
- Go for Morgan.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Yes.
- Do you want to go on--
- Yes. Yes!
- I haven't even said--
- Yes! Yes!
- Okay.
- He'll pick you up at 7:00.
- Great.
I don't have a car.
I don't have a car--but--
I think I got you
a date.
Hey, you're, like,
super busy
and don't have time to talk
about personal things, right?
I'm actually
absolutely free.
I gave myself two hours to hang
up this photographic collage
and I finished
with four minutes to spare.
- So hit me.
- Well,
firstly I've been loving
TLC Tuesdays,
and no matter the outcome
of this,
I don't want that
to end.
Nothing is gonna end
TLC Tuesdays, Tamra.
It's like my relationship
with Whitney.
Ugh, okay, well...
I was gonna
tell you this in person,
but now I think it's best
you hear it the traditional way.
Oh, I just got a text.
Whitney is ch--
Whitney's cheating on me?
Are you gonna end
TLC Tuesdays?
'Cause I already paid a guy
to paint a bathing suit
on me for next week.
It was--it was going
so well.
We'd given each other
nicknames.
"Boo-boo-pants"
and "Jeremy."
It's probably nothing.
All I know for sure
is that she's meeting a man
behind your back that thinks
you're an idiot.
Where is she
meeting this man?
'Cause I'm gonna go there.
Yeah, and I'm gonna
walk right up
and look at him
from behind a plant.
- And you're coming with me.
- No.
Oh, yes, you are.
Doctor C,
can I borrow your stapler?
A button popped.
Hello, Dr. C?
Oh, God.
That is right--
Hey, Dr. L.
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Wait, I can see her,
but she can't see me.
He's got Dr. L on nanny cam?
- Oh, God, another guy?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm loving this sex. Oh, boy.
- Did you hear that?
- No, I didn't hear anything.
- Say my name, Chelsea.
- That sounds like--
- Ew, no.
Okay, well then I will.
Morgan. Aah! Morgan.
It's Morgan. What the hell
is Morgan doing over there?
How do they
even know each other?
- I have no idea.
- I tell you what, if that
made a baby, we should name it
after the woman
- who introduced us.
- Here we go.
- Mindy.
- What? He knows another Mindy?
Why would you
introduce them?
How are you even
talking to her?
I can explain.
You know what's screwed up?
She's too scared to tell him
she took their son
to a book signing today.
Okay.
You took Leo where?
I was dying in here.
Your care package actually was
all package and no care.
This is the ultimate
betrayal.
That's nothing.
I went into his office today.
He has a nanny cam
on Dr. L all day.
- What?
- What?
A nanny cam?
That's not
what they said.
Where is it, Danny?
- I didn't hear--
I didn't hear them say that.
Is it in the picture frame?
A nanny cam, Danny?
I can't believe
you wouldn't trust me.
Trust you?
Are you kidding me?
Your first day alone
with Leo
you expose him to
Jake Gyllenhaal's germs
and then locked him
inside our apartment?
You liked "Southpaw."
Yeah, well, I didn't love
"Brokeback Mountain."
- Danny!
- It wasn't my kind of movie.
You know what?
It is not fair
that I am locked here
with zero entertainment.
I just want
what's best for Leo.
And I don't?
- Who the hell's that?
- Who the hell is that?
I'm trying to have
a fight with my wife.
Hey, man, it's kinda hard
to maintain an erection
when I can hear my bosses
yelling at each other.
Two people are trying to
sex in there
and your old-people fighting,
it's too much.
It's--it's draining our juices.
Tell 'em, baby.
Uh, I think maybe
we should call it a night.
We're gonna call it--
what, what?
No, see what's happening?
Two minutes ago,
she was like...
But then...
You know what, Morgan?
It's actually not a problem
because I've been cooped up
in this apartment all day
and I think it would be kinda
fun to sneak out to get a drink.
- What?
- Okay, fine.
Yeah, if--if that's okay
with you, master.
- A drink?
- It's fine, yes.
He controls where I go
and when I go.
- Oh, that's not right, either.
- No, no, no.
- Is that okay?
- Let her go.
- A drink? A drink!
- Quiet.
- Ai maron!
- Stop it, stop it.
Oh, my God.
It is so trashy.
I'm so sorry.
You ready for round two, mama?
Yeah, good idea.
I--I'm gonna hand with Dr. C.
I think he needs
my help, so...
Oh, my God.
Dr. C?
Dr. C, I think the wind
blew the door.
- Tamra.
- Come on.
How could you?
Is this because Dr. Reed
has a weird enormous head?
- Okay, I have tall hair.
- Jeremy?
Tamar?
What are you doing here?
We are here to show you
the face of devastation,
specifically mine.
Hi, I'm Gerald.
Oh, forgive me.
Jeremy Reed.
- Don't shake his hand!
- Right.
I heard you on the phone,
"Whiteney."
Scheming to meet
this Gerald
while Dr. Reed's back
was turned.
Oh, my--you think
I'm cheating with Gerald?
Well, how else
do you explain it?
Actually, this is not a good
time to talk about this, okay?
- Great.
- Nah.
Explain yourself right now.
Okay.
You want the truth?
For the past month,
I have been planning
a surprise engagement party
for my coworker, Gerald.
Really?
Then why the hell are
you two sitting out here?
Because we're waiting
for his fiance, John.
So, when you said
he doesn't suspect anything,
he's an idiot...
I was talking
about Gerald.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna go home.
Oh, okay.
That makes sense.
But the good news is,
you two are still together,
so we can keep
TLC Tuesdays, right?
No, from now on every day
is business formal day.
No.
I just bought
a completely clear top.
Ahem, excuse me?
I would like
your finest body shot, please.
You got it.
Good news, I can stay.
Told the wife
I was working late.
Crushed it.
Huge, bro.
Here's to getting home after
the kids are bathed and asleep.
- Cheers.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you dudes for real?
You two would have rather
stay out here and drink than go
home and be with your babies?
As a mother,
you disgust me.
Well, as a mother, what the
hell are you doing here?
For your information,
I am taking a break
'cause it's all too much.
That's exactly what
we're doing.
I-I can't believe it.
Your poor wives.
I mean, honestly.
I bet they would kill
to be married
to an over-protective
psycho
who's obsessed with
their kid.
If I wanted to get told off
by an Indian woman,
I'd tell my doctor
how much I actually drink.
Whoa, you don't know
what her day was like.
Baby's probably
driving her crazy.
She's got it as bad as us.
Actually,
my baby's an angel
and his father
is a saint.
I should bounce.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I-I thought you were
these, like,
finance "American Psycho"
wannabes,
but, like,
you're just creeps.
Catch you later, dudes.
_
_
_
_
Mind your business, Tamra.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I went and picked you up
one of those sandwiches you like
with all the leaves
inside of it.
Lettuce?
Thanks, babe.
How's he doing?
- He's doing great.
- Yeah.
You know, I was wrong
to use the nanny cam.
It's our first baby
and I was just a little nervous.
But of course
I trust you, Mindy.
That's a nice thing
to say.
And I didn't do it
just to keep an eye out.
I wanted a way to check in
when I was missing you two.
Why didn't you just
tell me?
I would have done, like,
a sexy strip tease for you.
And I definitely wouldn't
have eaten that scab.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing.
I have to tell you
something, too.
Okay.
I am so happy that
the father of my son
wants to be so involved
in his life.
I'm really lucky.
But you have to just let me
be a mom the way
that I know how to.
And I'm going
to make mistakes,
like a lot of mistakes.
Like, more mistakes
than pretty much anyone,
but I think Leo
will be okay.
Because we'll balance
each other out.
Yeah, as long as
we both compromise a little.
No, that's not
what I said.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
What a crazy night,
am I right?
- Cover up.
- We are so lucky
that we have each other.
Do I like Leo right now?
No, I don't.
But I will learn to love him
and he will learn to love me.
Morgan, I can see
your penis.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
_
Behold, one day all this
will be yours.
I hope you like
property taxes, kid.
Danny, you're already
making lame dad jokes.
I'll tell you what's a joke.
The parking at that hospital.
- Danny?
- Yeah?
- Where's our TV?
- And my laptop, and our booze.
Oh, my God, we've been robbed.
No, we haven't been robbed.
- I baby proofed the place.
- Baby proofed?
- Yeah.
- More like fun-proofed.
Look, I read in an article
that says kids
shouldn't watch screens
until they're 18.
I was literally raised on TV,
and I turned out perfect.
You have an attention span
of 15 seconds.
What?
Huh?
Hey, did you disable
the wifi?
- Yep.
- How am I gonna turn
my ill-informed mommy blog
into a book of stolen recipes?
- That's my dream!
- Look, it's gonna be hard
for me too.
Giving up the Weather Channel
Especially in an El Nino year.
Yeah. You do love El Nino.
We're both in this together,
okay?
Look at him.
He's all that matters.
- I love this guy.
- Hey, did you find my gun?
There's a gun in here?
No.
No.
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
Found it.
It was in the toilet.
_
_
Danny, what does that mean?
A beautiful boy could only
come from
such a beautiful mother?
Danny, I love that.
I'm gonna get that
as a tramp stamp.
- Yeah?
- That's gorgeous.
Come here.
Maybe I should take
paternity leave.
Are you kidding me?
Sex noises again?
- It's ridiculous.
- The third time this week.
- It's disgusting.
- I'm getting a UTI
just thinking about it.
You know what we used to do
when we heard sex noises?
We would just turn the volume up
on the TV, so maybe--
We should go next door
and talk to her
because we're not
bringing back the TV.
- Yes. Great idea.
- But--but--
- Let's do it. Come on, babe.
- Okay.
Just one sec, guys.
Just fool around with each other
for a minute, okay?
- Yeah?
- Can you quiet it down?
This is a family building,
not the last days of Rome.
Yeah, yeah, you guys are
the old married couple
- that live next door.
- I'm sorry, old?
No, no, no, no.
Him, maybe. Not me.
I'm essentially
a child bride.
Okay, regardless,
this is a family building,
so can you dial it down
a couple of shades of grey?
Okay, so I have to sit
and listen
to your baby cry all night?
I'd rather die than dial
anything down
for a couple of smug breeders
because in six months
when you guys move out
to Scarsdale
and you get fat and you die,
I'm gonna be here
partying with the anorexic
gay couple that moves in, okay?
- Okay, all right.
- All right.
- Oh.
Okay, so we agreed,
no screens,
no junk food
till he's done breastfeeding,
and no going outside
till he gets his vaccinations.
Except to go to the movies
with him,
which is fine
because I'm ethnic.
No, New York City is the
greatest city in the world,
but it's a vile cesspool
of disease.
We invented AIDS.
Take that, San Fran.
Okay.
I can stay inside.
Although I did email TMZ that
I'd be leaving the house today.
And most important,
keep this nearby
so Leo doesn't forget Papa.
That's sweet, but we are
saying "daddy" and "mommy."
None of this, like,
Papa, Mama,
European bull jive, okay?
We're Americans.
No.
- Mi familia.
Okay, you're getting
very Italian
and very emotional
this morning.
You guys--I love you guys
so much.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
I love you, too.
- Ciao bella.
Go out and make us
some money, okay?
I have very expensive
habits.
- I'll call you in five minutes.
- Bye, babe.
So as of now, we no longer
take the API insurance,
but we do take
Steve Harvey brand insurance.
So nice of you to finally
join us, Dr. Castellano.
Or should I say,
proud Papa Castellano.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Hey, where's Dr. L?
Oh, wait, let me guess.
She's at home with that baby.
She's with Leo, yeah.
They're doing great.
Not that anyone's asking.
She should be back
about, I don't know,
8 to 12 weeks.
Oh, that must be nice.
I didn't get any time off
when my dog had puppies.
- You took two weeks off.
- I only needed one.
I totally get it. I recently
missed an important lunch
because I was admiring
a butter-yellow dandelion
that had forced its way
through a pavement crack.
That's a weird
new attitude.
Yeah, Dr. Reed's been in
a real good mood
since he started
getting it on the reg.
On the reg with Whitney?
Well...
She knows you're going out,
right?
Indeed she does, Danny.
And I'm as happy
as a prawn in sauce.
Hey, Dr. R., since you're in
such a good-ass mood,
I was wondering if we could
revisit my request
for a "TLC Tuesdays"
dress code?
TLC Tuesdays?
You know, like,
I don't want no scrubs
to wear on my body.
No scrubs.
Well, that could be fun.
Oh, my God.
Thank you!
It will so not interfere
with work.
I just need
the next two hours off
- to plan what I'm going to wear.
- Get outta here.
I was planning on making
an Irish exit here,
but since you're in
such a good mood,
what the hell?
And my wife took me back.
So I'm quitting and going back
to Philly to be with her.
Adrian, that is
fantastic news.
No way, no.
No, no, no, no.
That's not fantastic.
No. If he quits,
there's only two doctors here.
More importantly,
if he quits,
I'm the only single guy
in the office.
Me.
The cute one.
Don't get in the way
of love.
Oh, my little buddy, Leo,
is up.
What kind of trouble
are we gonna get in today?
Any drama?
Any fun excitement?
Nothing?
Oh, my God, Danny.
There's an emergency!
What? Wha--wha--wha--wha--
Is Leo okay?
Is he okay?
What's going on?
I'm so bored.
- For God's sake.
- Danny, I have no internet.
I have no TV.
Did you know that Leo's not even
gonna talk until
he's 12 months old?
Yes, we're doctors.
You didn't know that?
I'm an OB-GYN, pal.
I'm not a pedo-atrician.
How can you be bored?
Our baby's like
a work of art.
It's like being at
the Guggenheim all day.
Do not bring up
the Guggenheim.
Remember they kicked me out
for tripping and falling
all the way down
the spiral?
I was worried
this might happen,
so I left you a care package.
It's in our closet.
A care package?
In the closet?
- Mindy?
- Thank you, Danny!
All right.
Leo, your daddy gave me
a present.
Ugh! Books?
Come on, dude.
Okay...
What do we got here?
Ahem.
"Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean."
Okay, this is hitting
a little too close to home.
Now, let's...
"The Adventures of
Huckleberry Finn."
Certainly has a lot of the
N-word like a Kanye song.
Oh, no, but it has a message
like a Common song.
No, thank you.
Hmm.
I hear this one's pretty good.
Very violent.
How can a book
with this many Jews in it
not have a single joke?
So, how are we feeling
these days, Mr. Reese?
There you go.
My husband left a year ago
and I've only recently felt
like I'm ready to love again.
Me and you both, sister,
'cause I'm single
and I'm looking for a nice girl
to take care of.
Well, you know,
we're kind of in the same boat.
It might be fun if you and I--
Shh! Quiet. Quiet.
Stop, stop.
That's Dr. L's ring.
Okay.
Hey, Dr. L, I guess you
butt dialed me.
I'm gonna hand up on myself.
So sorry to waste your time.
Wait, no, Morgan.
Don't hang up.
- Hello?
- I called you on purpose.
What's going on
in the office?
This is a social call?
Yeah, this is a social call.
Waited my whole life
for this.
I am so bored.
I'm finally getting around
to writing my sweet 16
thank you cards.
Well, oh, yeah,
my love life's in the toilet.
- Okay.
- It there not one woman
out there who is willing to date
a nice, poor man?
It sounds good to me.
Shh! Please, can you be quiet?
I'm on the phone.
Eileen, I need you
to be quite.
You talking to me?
This is a freaking big one.
Hello?
Wait.
That's the minimum wage?
Nobody tell Morgan.
Finally, some real news.
An ad.
Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal
are signing copies
of their new cookbook.
Jake and Maggie
are my favorite actor siblings.
Oh, man.
I know your dad doesn't want us
to leave the apartment,
but what are the chances that
Jake Gyllenhaal has rubella?
Like, 30% max.
_
_
Just, it's so hard
being alone at this time of year
because summer's over
and, you know,
the ladies are wearing
sweaters now,
so you can't see
their boobs so good.
Morgan, can I help you?
I hope so.
I've been talking to you
for a half hour.
Is there anything--
Just I've got
lots of work to do.
Well, I have to
work on myself.
- Whitney.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, baby.
- How are you?
- Better now.
- Oh, good, me, too.
God.
- I got to take this, okay?
- Okay.
The hell are you--
Fuego.
New lovers.
Can, uh, can we
take you out to lunch?
- Our treat.
- So you two can rub your love
in my face all meal?
Maybe.
Only 'cause I make
$2 an hour.
I will see you tonight.
Oh, I can't wait.
No, don't worry.
He doesn't suspect anything.
He's an idiot.
Okay, 8:00 at Averill's.
Got ya.
_
_
Well, Leo, we did it.
We meet the Gyllenhaals.
Peter Sarsgaard said to
your mommy,
"Get the hell
away from my wife."
That was pretty cool.
You cannot tell your father
about any of this, all right?
You keep all of
Mommy's secrets, don't you.
- Oh, God.
_
Leo.
Are you okay?
Try to throw the keys
under the door.
Damn it,
they're too big.
Oh, no.
Sexually-active hallmate!
Excuse me?
Oh, thank God.
Oh, it's you.
You back to do some more
slut-shaming?
You know,
you have some nerve.
'cause I've seen
you walking around
in those sweatpants
that say "ho" on the butt.
They say "hero," it's just my
crack eats the middle letters.
I need to use
your balcony.
I got locked out
of my apartment,
and my boyfriend cannot know
I left the house.
Why?
Is he holding you hostage?
You know what?
I railed a cop last night.
I can wake him up.
Okay, that's a plan B.
I need to help my baby, please.
All right.
Oh, man. There's a lot
of condoms out here.
Oh, the Clippers
were in town.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
Ah, my sweet junk food.
I'm coming for you, Leo!
I am so happy you're
one of those rich girls
that stays at home all day
and doesn't work.
What?
I'm a publicist.
Well, that's
a pretty easy job.
- For Bieber.
- Oh, God.
- I know.
- Okay.
Oh, mama.
I think I can do this.
- Okay.
- Oh, God,
my episiotomy stitches!
- Oh...
- Oh, that really hurts.
Oh, God.
We're so high up.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
- It's very scary.
- You can do this.
You can do this.
Matt Lauer does this
all the time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- I'm really scared.
I know, but it's okay.
You're halfway there.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
Okay.
One...
Two, three.
- You did it.
- I did--aah!
Okay, all right.
I saw that coming.
Oh, help me, Chelsea.
I'm gonna wipe my barbecue
fingerprints off on the baby.
You just go hide
all the junk food
and the portable DVD player
I had.
Where?
Uh, there is a hiding spot
under some floorboards
in the bedroom.
It's filled with candy!
Hide, hide!
Leo, I'm home.
Look at these two.
What happened here?
I was reading one of
your old Hardy Boy books.
Got really excited
and I knocked it over.
Oh, that's happened to me.
Which one were you reading?
I--it was the one
about the...cave?
Oh, you can't read that
by yourself at home.
No way.
It's really scary stuff.
- Right?
- It'll freak you out.
Ah, I have a delivery.
You know what?
I'll call Jeremy
and I'll ask if he can cover
so I can hang out with you guys.
No, leave, leave.
Please leave.
I want--I want the little one to
see your work ethic.
That is a great point.
It's never too early.
I had my first job at six.
I was a lookout for
the Puerto Rican Diablos.
Yeah.
Time to go.
- You should head out.
- Okay.
- Well, all right.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I love you.
Bye, sweetheart.
I'll see you
in a little while.
- Hey.
- Oh, God.
Whew, the a yapper
on that guy, huh?
Yeah, I know.
Thank you for helping me,
Chelsea.
I'm really sorry
about the other night.
Before I have a baby, I loved
listening to you bone randos.
And I loved falling asleep to
you munching on peanut brittle.
Danny banned
everything peanut
until Leo has
his allergy tests.
Wow.
Danny's really strict, huh?
Yeah, he already grounded Leo
for giving him the finger.
Well, at least he's hot
and rich enough to buy you
that giant engagement ring.
At this point
I would settle for an ugly-poor
if he were nice.
- You want to settle down?
- Yeah.
I thought you were slutty
for modern female
empowerment reasons,
not for old-fashioned sad ones.
Yeah, maybe in my 20s
that was my thing,
but now I see you,
and I'm, like, "That--
that looks kinda nice."
Would you really date anyone
as long as they were a nice guy?
Yes.
Like, anyone?
Yeah.
- Go for Morgan.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Yes.
- Do you want to go on--
- Yes. Yes!
- I haven't even said--
- Yes! Yes!
- Okay.
- He'll pick you up at 7:00.
- Great.
I don't have a car.
I don't have a car--but--
I think I got you
a date.
Hey, you're, like,
super busy
and don't have time to talk
about personal things, right?
I'm actually
absolutely free.
I gave myself two hours to hang
up this photographic collage
and I finished
with four minutes to spare.
- So hit me.
- Well,
firstly I've been loving
TLC Tuesdays,
and no matter the outcome
of this,
I don't want that
to end.
Nothing is gonna end
TLC Tuesdays, Tamra.
It's like my relationship
with Whitney.
Ugh, okay, well...
I was gonna
tell you this in person,
but now I think it's best
you hear it the traditional way.
Oh, I just got a text.
Whitney is ch--
Whitney's cheating on me?
Are you gonna end
TLC Tuesdays?
'Cause I already paid a guy
to paint a bathing suit
on me for next week.
It was--it was going
so well.
We'd given each other
nicknames.
"Boo-boo-pants"
and "Jeremy."
It's probably nothing.
All I know for sure
is that she's meeting a man
behind your back that thinks
you're an idiot.
Where is she
meeting this man?
'Cause I'm gonna go there.
Yeah, and I'm gonna
walk right up
and look at him
from behind a plant.
- And you're coming with me.
- No.
Oh, yes, you are.
Doctor C,
can I borrow your stapler?
A button popped.
Hello, Dr. C?
Oh, God.
That is right--
Hey, Dr. L.
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Wait, I can see her,
but she can't see me.
He's got Dr. L on nanny cam?
- Oh, God, another guy?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm loving this sex. Oh, boy.
- Did you hear that?
- No, I didn't hear anything.
- Say my name, Chelsea.
- That sounds like--
- Ew, no.
Okay, well then I will.
Morgan. Aah! Morgan.
It's Morgan. What the hell
is Morgan doing over there?
How do they
even know each other?
- I have no idea.
- I tell you what, if that
made a baby, we should name it
after the woman
- who introduced us.
- Here we go.
- Mindy.
- What? He knows another Mindy?
Why would you
introduce them?
How are you even
talking to her?
I can explain.
You know what's screwed up?
She's too scared to tell him
she took their son
to a book signing today.
Okay.
You took Leo where?
I was dying in here.
Your care package actually was
all package and no care.
This is the ultimate
betrayal.
That's nothing.
I went into his office today.
He has a nanny cam
on Dr. L all day.
- What?
- What?
A nanny cam?
That's not
what they said.
Where is it, Danny?
- I didn't hear--
I didn't hear them say that.
Is it in the picture frame?
A nanny cam, Danny?
I can't believe
you wouldn't trust me.
Trust you?
Are you kidding me?
Your first day alone
with Leo
you expose him to
Jake Gyllenhaal's germs
and then locked him
inside our apartment?
You liked "Southpaw."
Yeah, well, I didn't love
"Brokeback Mountain."
- Danny!
- It wasn't my kind of movie.
You know what?
It is not fair
that I am locked here
with zero entertainment.
I just want
what's best for Leo.
And I don't?
- Who the hell's that?
- Who the hell is that?
I'm trying to have
a fight with my wife.
Hey, man, it's kinda hard
to maintain an erection
when I can hear my bosses
yelling at each other.
Two people are trying to
sex in there
and your old-people fighting,
it's too much.
It's--it's draining our juices.
Tell 'em, baby.
Uh, I think maybe
we should call it a night.
We're gonna call it--
what, what?
No, see what's happening?
Two minutes ago,
she was like...
But then...
You know what, Morgan?
It's actually not a problem
because I've been cooped up
in this apartment all day
and I think it would be kinda
fun to sneak out to get a drink.
- What?
- Okay, fine.
Yeah, if--if that's okay
with you, master.
- A drink?
- It's fine, yes.
He controls where I go
and when I go.
- Oh, that's not right, either.
- No, no, no.
- Is that okay?
- Let her go.
- A drink? A drink!
- Quiet.
- Ai maron!
- Stop it, stop it.
Oh, my God.
It is so trashy.
I'm so sorry.
You ready for round two, mama?
Yeah, good idea.
I--I'm gonna hand with Dr. C.
I think he needs
my help, so...
Oh, my God.
Dr. C?
Dr. C, I think the wind
blew the door.
- Tamra.
- Come on.
How could you?
Is this because Dr. Reed
has a weird enormous head?
- Okay, I have tall hair.
- Jeremy?
Tamar?
What are you doing here?
We are here to show you
the face of devastation,
specifically mine.
Hi, I'm Gerald.
Oh, forgive me.
Jeremy Reed.
- Don't shake his hand!
- Right.
I heard you on the phone,
"Whiteney."
Scheming to meet
this Gerald
while Dr. Reed's back
was turned.
Oh, my--you think
I'm cheating with Gerald?
Well, how else
do you explain it?
Actually, this is not a good
time to talk about this, okay?
- Great.
- Nah.
Explain yourself right now.
Okay.
You want the truth?
For the past month,
I have been planning
a surprise engagement party
for my coworker, Gerald.
Really?
Then why the hell are
you two sitting out here?
Because we're waiting
for his fiance, John.
So, when you said
he doesn't suspect anything,
he's an idiot...
I was talking
about Gerald.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna go home.
Oh, okay.
That makes sense.
But the good news is,
you two are still together,
so we can keep
TLC Tuesdays, right?
No, from now on every day
is business formal day.
No.
I just bought
a completely clear top.
Ahem, excuse me?
I would like
your finest body shot, please.
You got it.
Good news, I can stay.
Told the wife
I was working late.
Crushed it.
Huge, bro.
Here's to getting home after
the kids are bathed and asleep.
- Cheers.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you dudes for real?
You two would have rather
stay out here and drink than go
home and be with your babies?
As a mother,
you disgust me.
Well, as a mother, what the
hell are you doing here?
For your information,
I am taking a break
'cause it's all too much.
That's exactly what
we're doing.
I-I can't believe it.
Your poor wives.
I mean, honestly.
I bet they would kill
to be married
to an over-protective
psycho
who's obsessed with
their kid.
If I wanted to get told off
by an Indian woman,
I'd tell my doctor
how much I actually drink.
Whoa, you don't know
what her day was like.
Baby's probably
driving her crazy.
She's got it as bad as us.
Actually,
my baby's an angel
and his father
is a saint.
I should bounce.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I-I thought you were
these, like,
finance "American Psycho"
wannabes,
but, like,
you're just creeps.
Catch you later, dudes.
_
_
_
_
Mind your business, Tamra.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I went and picked you up
one of those sandwiches you like
with all the leaves
inside of it.
Lettuce?
Thanks, babe.
How's he doing?
- He's doing great.
- Yeah.
You know, I was wrong
to use the nanny cam.
It's our first baby
and I was just a little nervous.
But of course
I trust you, Mindy.
That's a nice thing
to say.
And I didn't do it
just to keep an eye out.
I wanted a way to check in
when I was missing you two.
Why didn't you just
tell me?
I would have done, like,
a sexy strip tease for you.
And I definitely wouldn't
have eaten that scab.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing.
I have to tell you
something, too.
Okay.
I am so happy that
the father of my son
wants to be so involved
in his life.
I'm really lucky.
But you have to just let me
be a mom the way
that I know how to.
And I'm going
to make mistakes,
like a lot of mistakes.
Like, more mistakes
than pretty much anyone,
but I think Leo
will be okay.
Because we'll balance
each other out.
Yeah, as long as
we both compromise a little.
No, that's not
what I said.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
What a crazy night,
am I right?
- Cover up.
- We are so lucky
that we have each other.
Do I like Leo right now?
No, I don't.
But I will learn to love him
and he will learn to love me.
Morgan, I can see
your penis.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
_