The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 2 - C Is for Coward - full transcript

Danny, listen to my great idea.

We should name the baby

after a classic movie character,

like Indiana or Wall-E.

I told you,
I want a name from history.

Yeah, I suggested O.J.
and you thought it was too edgy.

Although to be safe,

we probably should pick
something gender-neutral.

You know, in case he's trans.

He's not gonna be trans.

Well, that's up to herm.



"Herm"?

I don't think so.

- Danny?
- Hmm?

Put your book down. I'm horny.

Uh, okay, babe, maybe...

- Maybe not tonight.
- Come here, come here.

Okay, okay.

Just want a little sweet D.

It's just,
I don't want my special guy

so close to my special guy.

I mean, he might hear us.

You don't want to have
sex because of the baby?

Danny, this is my baby.
He loves sex sounds.

How would you like it if you
were minding your own business



and a big penis just came
and hit you right in the face?

Yeah, that's my life
you're describing.

Sweetheart, look at this ring.

This is our solemn oath
to be with each other

for the rest of our lives,
is it not?

- It is, yes.
- Okay.

You bought the cow,
now get the milk for free.

Babe, I'm sorry, I just...

A son should only see
his father's thing

when they stop on a hike to pee.

You know what, you prude?

I don't even need you.
Read your book.

I will just draw my own erotica.

[clears throat]

Aah. Ooh.

This is some real good stuff.

You're just drawing
the number 69.

Yeah. Ooh la la.

- Oh oh.
- Mm-hmm.

You keep it going, 69.

- Just please, please! Please!
- What? Stop! No!

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Oh, good news, everybody.

I'm taking the entire staff
out to dinner tomorrow night,

with Whitney,
the girl I'm dating.

It's actually
the restaurant where the guy

breaks up with his phone plan
in the Verizon commercial.

No big deal. [sniffs]

Sorry, I'm taking
a night school class.

It's called
"Making Excuses at Work."

Bev! I was counting on you.
Come on, guys.

Don't make Whitney think
I'm a weird loser with no friends.

- Adrian?
- No, sorry.

I gotta give the dog his shots
while my wife's on a date.

At least she's letting
me in the house.

[sighs] Mindy, Morgan.

You love free slop.

Look, Jeremy. I for one would
love to want to go to that.

But my fertility
clinic has a booth

at the Manhattan Fertility Expo.

Yeah, we started a pretty
innovative new program.

It's to convince
girls in their 20s

to want to freeze their eggs.

It's called "Later, Baby!"

And it was my idea!
I'm a business partner.

Frisbee! [disc clatters]

- Sorry.
- Really?

No takers for a free dinner?

Unbelievable.
You lot would turn down

a free car if it was from me!

Wait, who's giving
away a free car?

Uh, I'm good.

I... I mean... just...

Tamra!

Hey, we were wondering
if we could run our spiel

for the Fertility Expo by you?

'Cause you're young
and millennial, right?

[phone chimes]

Perfect.

Do you know there's no better
time to freeze your eggs

than when you're in your 20s?

Mm-hmm, and it's
a great way to make sure

that your reproductive
health is... on fleek.

And that is... cool.

Freezing your eggs?

I heard that stuff's unnatural,

at least that's what
the midwives from upstairs said

in their ad.

- The midwives?
- Yeah, look.

Okay.

Pollution. Drought.

Peanut sensitivity.

The modern world is
ruining our lives.

And now, from birthing
drugs to egg freezing,

Big Fertility wants to change
the way we make new life.

But there is another way...

A more natural way.

At Downtown Women's
Holistic Health Center,

- my brother Duncan and I...
- Hi!

Are returning to traditions
when birth was a tribal ritual,

spiritual, erotic even...
not a sterile medical procedure.

Brendan has the charisma
of a young Paul Newman.

That's enough.

Drug-free birthing techniques
for every kind of family,

from same-sex couples to
inter-species triples.

Let's hear from Brooke Burke.

Thanks to Paleo Birth,

I didn't go into labor
surrounded by masked doctors.

Masks?

Really, doctors?

What are you hiding?

You know who else wears masks?
Bank robbers.

And ISIS.

I gave birth right here
in my Brentwood garden,

and my child's first sight
wasn't a hospital gown.

It was a butterfly.

And then the sprinklers
came on and we had to move.

Paleo Birth.

Stone Age health
care is finally here.

Bye-bye!

Natural birth?

Easy for you to say,
Brooke Burke!

If I had a birthing
canal that straight,

basically, having a baby
is like taking a big fart.

All right, yeah, sure,

that movie was
beautiful and well-made,

but at the end of the day,

what are you gonna
remember more:

A great movie,
or a good ol' Frisbee

made in the U.S. of...

- Chernobyl?
- Okay, just...

Y'all mad.
That video was hella compelling.

And everyone knows Brooke
Burke doesn't get out of bed

for less than $10,000.

Okay, it wasn't compelling
and everyone hated it.

And let me tell you something.

I will never have
a natural birth, okay?

I'm gonna be so drugged
out for my C-section,

that when I wake up,

Donald Trump will have
started second term.

[clears throat]

Morning, Danny.

C-section? Drugged up?

Have we not gone over
my birthing plan?

What the hell?
You want to have the baby here?

Sir, this is the most luxurious

birthing suite in Manhattan.

We've hosted everyone
from Bethenny Frankel

to Miss Tina Fey.

[sighs] It's everything
I've ever creamed of.

Come on, this place is
bigger than my apartment.

It's nicer, too.

Danny, look at this place!

There's a massage chair,
there's satellite radio.

They put spa water
in the IV for you.

Sir, I understand you're
nervous, but don't worry.

This suite has a "Dad Cave,"

with a tequila list
curated by Pitbull.

A very smart breed.

I don't care about any of that.

Mindy,
don't you think you should

check out the delivery room?

Oh, don't worry about that,
Dr. Lahiri.

You'll never remember it.

You've opted for the five-day
C-section knockout package.

- You have?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you serious?
You want to be high on goofy gas

for the most beautiful
moment of your life?

Okay, the most beautiful
moment of my life

was when I got a selfie with
Gayle King on that flight.

Second of all, Danny,
this is my delivery.

Just let me do what I want.

Well, you have time to decide.

Her baby removal appointment
isn't until next Saturday.

You mean childbirth?
Okay, guys, look.

We need to figure
this out, okay?

We need to be prepared
if the little guy

wants to come out on its own...
naturally.

- Naturally?
- Naturally.

He can't come out early!

Then he'd be a Virgo and Virgos
are honest and reliable.

Okay. All right.

Uh, Brad?

This was an amazing tour.

This is for you.
For your troubles.

Sir, this is a dollar.

Exactly,
and I need 50 cents back.

Hello, Daniel. I'm excited

you've finally decided to
see me about your problem.

Problem? What problem?

Well...

You were molested by
your priest as a child.

That's why your personality
turned out this way.

Why does everyone
assume I was molested?

Listen, the reason I'm here
is because I saw your video

and I thought you might
be able to suggest some...

non-medical ways to
induce childbirth.

Mm-hmm, I understand.
And remind me again

how you described
my methods on the local news?

Was it "superstitious
hoodoo for dumdums?"

Yeah, I stand by it.
But who knows?

The Yankees always won every
time I sat on Father Tony's lap.

I mean, anything's possible.

Hmm. I think I can help you.

Chapter seven of
my new book "Paleo Birth"

suggests natural ways
to induce childbirth.

That's great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

How much do I owe you?

You know what?
Just pay it forward.

Initiate a conversation on race.

Take in a homeless
person for a week.

Start a critical mass
bike ride for veganism.

Okay, great. Thank you.

Whoa.

Lot of candles, babe.

Natural ways to
induce childbirth...

Come over here.
Try this arrabbiata.

You cooked?

Ooh. Looks great.

- There you go.
- Okay.

Spicy foods...

Ow!

Oh, my God! That is very spicy.

- Sorry, here.
- Hm.

- Red wine...
- Alcohol?

Yeah.

Tried to have a sip of
your beer last month,

you called me Casey Anthony.

Not tonight.

Massage...

Would you like a massage?

Okay.

[sighs]

Oh, that's good.

Ah, babe.

Nipple stimulation...

Ow!

Why'd you tweak my tit?

I'm horny, let's get to it.

- You're horny?
- Very.

Oh, my God, Danny,
this is great news,

'cause I've been cheating
on you with a banister .

- Let's go.
- Mmm.

Sexual intercourse.

Ow, ow. There's something here.

Don't worry about it.

- "Paleo Birth"?
- Nah, it's...

Danny, why do you have this?

Were you trying to boink
the baby out of me?

I cannot believe you.

You tried to trick my body

into giving birth
before my C-section.

Booze? Sex?

Danny, you used all
my favorite things against me!

Look, Min, if you have this
baby safe and naturally,

you'll be glad you did.

Your body knows how to
do this... it knows.

My body is an idiot.

Have you ever seen me
try to climb a ladder?

Danny, it's decided, okay?
I'm getting a C-section.

Do you know what
that C stands for?

Yeah, comfort,
convenience, coolness.

No. C is for "coward."

- [gasps]
- C-sections are designed

for emergencies,

not for rich women to
schedule their births

between spin classes.

How dare you.
You know I don't spin.

[sighs] Look, if you let it,

birth can be
a beautiful experience.

Excuse me?

I'm an OB/GYN, too, Danny.

We both know that childbirth
is a horror movie.

Basically, your vagina explodes

a bloody,
screaming little alien.

Yeah, well,
that sounds beautiful to me.

Besides,
the pain of childbirth, I mean,

that's a rite of
passage for a woman.

Why should only women have
to suffer through pain, okay?

Why don't you get one
of your cavities filled

without any Novocain?

I don't get cavities, okay?

I got a brushing ritual.

Two minutes up and down,
two minutes round and round,

- and I go...
- I can't listen to you

talk about how you brush
your teeth anymore.

Why does it bother
you so much, okay?

Why don't you just let
me sleep through it,

like when you make
me watch "Frontline"?

Okay, so you want
to sleep through

your first big challenge
of being a mom?

Fine.

But there's gonna be nothing but
more challenges down the line,

and you're not gonna be
able to sleep through those.

[recorded screaming]
[screams]

- Startle the mother.
- Dammit, Danny!

Whoo! Expo is here, Dr. L!

I am nervous, but excited.

What two things are you?

My two words?
Betrayed and upset.

What?

You want to know what Danny
tried to do last night?

Danny tried to trick my body
into giving birth early.

- Okay, between me and you?
- Yeah?

- I love Dr. C.
- Mm-hmm.

He's always been the Yoko of
our relationship.

Well, who am I?

- The Beatles.
- Who are you?

Morgan. Not a music fan.

Listen, the point is this.

You are a confident,
beautiful ethnic goddess, okay?

Don't let some man tell you
what to do with your body.

- Thank you.
- Last time I checked,

this was America,
and we respect women here.

Yeah, "Roe v. Wade" and stuff.

Yeah, "Roe v. Wade,"
Dwyane Wade, all the Wades.

Thank you, Morgan. You're right.

And you know what?
I'm really excited for the Expo.

As long as this
little guy doesn't try

to come out before
the C-section.

Oh, let me handle that one.

Hey, boy! Hey, sit!

Sit! Stay!

Okay.

Good boy. You get a treat.

Okay, how many times
have I told you?

The only thing you're
allowed to kiss are my feet.

You got it.

Well, it's gonna be great.

Aah!

Ow!

What happened? Did you say "ow"?

Or did you start to say "owl?"

'Cause I can get you an owl.

[knocking on door]

Hey, mate.

Hey, what do you think
about Frank as a baby name?

Oh, I have
a brother named Frank.

You do?

Yeah, he used to walk
me to the garden,

where he'd have the others
wait for me, with their sticks.

[sighs] I gotta stop
running these names by you.

Okay, so, what's up?

Oh, nothing.
Just seeing who's around.

I'm surprised you're not
at the Fertility Expo.

Yeah, Mindy and I had
a difference of opinion.

I thought I'd stay here.

Aha! Busted!

If you're not going to the Expo,
then you have no choice

but to come to dinner
with Whitney and me.

Tonight?

To... oh, you know what?

I'm sorry, I just remembered,
Ma needs me...

No, no, no, no, no.
You're trapped, Danny,

like a mouse wriggling
on glue paper.

Now Whitney will see
what good friends I have.

Ha!

Hey, guys... I appreciate
that you're coming with us,

but do you think you could
let a pregnant lady sit?

Sorry, I can't.

My legs are tired from
being long and thin.

How do you know
I'm not pregnant?

I'm late!

So then,
I will just continue to stand,

even though I am
1,000 months pregnant.

You guys are jerks.

Oh, God.

It's the Deslauriers.

Oh, hey, Brendan! Duncan!

Come over here
and stand with us!

What are you doing?
We hate them.

Oh, right.

- Hey, Morgan.
- Hey, what's up?

Oh, hi, guys!

What a nice coincidence, ha-ha.

Mindy, congratulations.
When did you have the baby?

Okay, that's hilarious.

- [fake laughs]
- What are you, a comedian now?

For your FYI, this baby is
getting delivered on schedule,

in a ritzy birthing suite,

that Saddam Hussein called,
quote, "a bit much."

Aah.

Are you okay?

Are you having contractions?

No, I was just remembering a
funny joke that Morgan told me.

Oh, was it the one
about the banana

on a date with silverware?

"You're very a-peel-ing.
Wanna fork?"

[laughs]

Why is the floor all wet, Mindy?

Oh, God.

'Cause she's laughing
so hard at my joke,

she peed herself, obviously.

Yeah, why is it
so hard to believe

that Morgan is hilarious?

All right? He should be
hosting "The Daily Show."

Yes!

Mindy, your water just broke.

[panting]

[panting] Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This cannot be
happening right now.

- I had a plan.
- Yeah, me too!

God, I was supposed to
be at the Expo right now,

networking with other
business Morgans.

Ah, I'm starting to feel
a little bad that I ever

messed with your birth
control in the first place.

- What?
- I still ain't moving.

[all exclaim]

Sorry, folks.
We have a slight delay.

Apparently a man has
fallen onto the tracks

while filming a viral
video of some kind.

Well, just run him over,
for God's sakes!

We will update you on
the premise of the viral video

when we have more information.

Thank you for riding the MTA.

It's gonna be a song parody.

Okay, Mindy,
you're going to have this baby

right now on this subway.

Oh, my God!

A subway baby?

You're gonna be on
"The Ellen Show!"

Sheena was in the audience once,

and she got some Omaha
steaks and a pair of Tom's.

- No, no, no, no, thanks.
- Up, up, get up now.

Thank you.
I won't be needing your help.

I'm just gonna keep
my legs closed,

and wait till we get
to the Javits Center.

- Shh.
- Thanks.

Everyone stay calm.
She's in good hands.

Although my techniques
are designed for younger

and more athletic women,

this one is going to have
her baby the Paleo way.

- You can do it, Mindy!
- Shh, we don't know that yet.

- Hey.
- Danny!

Thank God you're here.

Okay, if there are people
you don't recognize

at the dinner table,

I've hired some improv actors
to play my other friends.

One of them...
I have no idea why...

is doing a surfer dude.

Okay.

Danny, hello? What's wrong?

What's happening?
What's the matter?

Have I a booger?

No, you're fine. Look...

- Sure?
- Yeah.

I just got this
crazy woman pregnant

and now she wants to check out

for the most important
moment in her life.

Well, maybe it's
because she's terrified.

Terrified?

Of what, a little pain?
No, that's not Mindy.

I mean, just last week,
she spent the whole day

with a dart in her shoulder.

Danny, whenever Mindy gets
scared of doing something hard,

she always tries to pretend
like it's not happening.

Like that time
she stole all that Oxy

because she was afraid
to get a Brazilian.

She's scared, Danny.

Yeah.

I mean, she hasn't been to
the dentist in, like, 10 years.

The other day we were kissing
and a tooth came right out.

I swallowed it.

That's the worst
thing I've ever heard.

[both laugh]
[cell phone buzzing]

What's up? Who's that?

What's wrong?

You bet... no, no, no, no.
You better not be leaving.

[cell phone buzzing]

- What?
- What, what?

We... I mean, we better go in...

I gotta... I gotta...

The baby's coming. He's coming.

- The baby's coming.
- Danny!

- It's coming.
- My friend!

- What's up, brah?
- [sighs]

When we digging into some grub?

[sighs]

You look amazing.

Okay, your contractions
are eight minutes apart,

so I'm with you... I'm going
to stay with you, okay?

- Okay, thank you.
- Step out of the way.

Listen to me,
you little son of a bitch!

You're ruining my Expo.

You're ruining
my best friend's body,

and you are gonna
stay in there...

- Oh, my God!
- Till the Daddy shows up!

Get your head out of my crotch!

Why would you think
that was okay?

- I was trying something new.
- Sit down!

It's okay.
Now, Mindy, do you have

a favorite mantra
you'd like to recite?

I do have a mantra.

It's "save my money
and spend his."

Save my money and spend his.

Save my money and spend...
it's not working.

Mmm, less corporate,
more spiritual.

Oh, God, I just want my birthing
suite and my playlist.

I can play you something.

Oh, my God. You can?

- Sure!
- Duncan,

do you know "Drunk in Love?"

- No.
- Okay, uh...

"Irreplaceable?" "Naughty Girl?"

"Bonnie and Clyde '02?"
Literally anything Beyonce?

Oh, if you like Beyonce,
you're gonna love this.

[sighs] Okay.

[playing ukulele] - ♪
I've been working ♪

♪ On the railroad ♪

♪ All the livelong day ♪

Is this for real?

All: ♪ I've been working
on the railroad ♪

♪ Just to pass
the time away ♪

Please stop!

All: ♪ Can't you hear
the whistle blowing ♪

- Please stop!
- Whoo-whoo!

Excuse me, sir.

Can I get down there?
My girl's having a baby.

Sorry, sir. Subway's closed.

- It's closed?
- Closed.

Okay.

- All right.
- Hey!

[dramatic music]

- Excuse me.
- Hey, whoa!

♪ ♪

Mindy, look at me.

This is sage.
This is nature's anesthetic.

Breathe this in.

- What?
- It's better than an epidural.

Nature sucks! I need drugs!

Somebody give me drugs!

You know what, guys?
I just need some drugs.

Please someone give me drugs!

Nobody give her drugs, please.

Here!

Don't drink it all.
It's my dinner.

Don't drink any of it.

Yuck.

Miracle of childbirth,
am I right?

Listen, you should have kids,
but not for a long time.

Have you considered
freezing your eggs?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

You know what?
This is just too much.

I gotta be straight
up unconscious, man.

You gotta punch me in the face.

Mindy, I've wanted to
punch you in the face

- for so very long.
- Yeah.

I will not do that right now.

God damn you!

Tamra. Sweet Tamra.

Please slap me across the face.

I can't just slap you.

You have to say something
I find offensive.

Beyonce's really 44!

[gasps]

Oh, God!

That did nothing
and I've betrayed Beyonce!

- I feel better.
- [crying]

♪ ♪

Mindy?

Sorry.

[gasping] Okay, I have an idea.

I'm just going to raise
this baby inside of me,

and then it can just
see out of my mouth.

No.

I'm stumped. Mantras, herbs.

We've tried everything
but modern medicine.

Mindy?

- Mindy!
- Danny?

- Mindy!
- Oh, God, Danny!

Where have you been?
What, did you stop for a slice?

- You okay?
- Oh, God, it hurts.

It hurts so much, Danny.

Look, look, I'm sorry.
I know I was a jerk.

I know you're really scared,
and so am I.

- [sobbing] Me too.
- You are?

Yeah, I am terrified.

But the only thing
that calms me down...

is knowing that I'm doing this

with someone that's
stronger than I am.

- I'm not, Danny, I'm not.
- Yes, you...

I can't do it, Danny.
It hurts too much.

Hey, yes, you are.
You are much stronger than me.

You are much stronger than me.
You know it.

And you can do this.
You know why?

Why?

Because you're
a stone-cold bitch.

He's right. You are a bitch.

You're tough... you're
tougher than anyone I know.

You're even tougher...

You're even tougher than Ma.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Okay. Okay.

- I love you.
- I love you.

You can do this, okay?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I can't stop looking at him.

[whispers] Hey.

He looks Latino.

And you know what that means.

He's really gonna clean up.

I was thinking the same thing.

- He's gorgeous.
- Right?

He's basically a little model.

This is definitely
the best thing I ever cooked.

Where is he? Get away from me!

I need to see him.

[crying]

I'm sorry, sweetheart.
He's waking up.

- I'm sorry.
- You okay?

He's an angel.

He's gorgeous.

Definitely not a Tookers boy.
He's too small.

No, no, why would you say that?

'Cause I was 16 pounds.

So this is not my baby.

What?

But I still love you,
little Morgan.

No, no, no, no.
His name's not Morgan, okay?

We...

We haven't named him yet.

Danny, please, I'm so tired.

Spent the last seven hours

squeezing out this
little watermelon.

Can you please pick a name?

Okay.

[poignant music]

♪ ♪

Leo.

I love it.

For Leonardo DiCaprio?

No, like Leonardo da Vinci.

Of course.

That... of course, that...
it makes so much more sense.

Or Leo the lion.

'Cause this little guy's
gonna be really strong.

Mm-hmm.

Like his ma.

[crying]

I'm Ma.

Yeah.

I love you, Leo Castellano.

We can workshop the name.

Hey, hey!

- Hey, look at this.
- Hello, young man!

[Sam Smith's "Stay With Me"]

♪ Oh won't you
stay with me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause you're all I need ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh darling stay with me ♪