The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 1 - While I Was Sleeping - full transcript

Previously on
"The Mindy Project"...

You know you're
right for someone

when they force you to be
the best version of yourself.

I love you.

I think I'm ready to move in.

This one is positive.
I am really pregnant.

We're a family.

I have started my own business,

the Lahiri Fertility Center.

It's not weird to
want your boyfriend

to get down on one knee



and to meet your parents
and to get you a ring.

I've done it. I've been married,

and it didn't go so well.
It means... it just...

Marriage means nothing.

It means something to me.

[phone rings] Yes?

You don't come to the wedding,

and then Dr. Castellano
doesn't come...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Danny's not at the wedding?

[pop music]

♪ For the things
that I believe ♪

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

I'm Danny Castellano,



and I'm in love
with your daughter.

I'm the father of her baby,

and I need you to know
that I will love them

and take care of them
until the day I die.

But I don't believe in marriage,

due to some personal
experiences I've had,

which I won't get into now.

[sighs]

My father ran out on us
and my wife cheated on me.

Father Mike says it's because
I didn't pray enough as a kid,

and I was too busy
applying the handbrake,

if that translates.

So, if we're good, Mr. Lahiri,

I'm gonna head back to New York.

I don't think India
really agrees with me.

I am servant. No English.

- What?
- Is there a problem?

I'm Tarun Lahiri.

No. There's no problem.

I, um... I'm...

Mindy's coworker.

And I'm here just sightseeing.

You know, Taj Mahal,
Temple of Doom, greatest hits.

Are you Morgan? At last we meet!

Uh... No, no, sir.

Share this mango with me.

No, I'm... I'm not Morgan.
I'm Dr. Danny Castellano.

Morgan has never once
forgotten my birthday.

Last year he sent me
a poster of the Rat Pack.

Where are you staying,
Dr. Castellano?

I'm, uh, st... just, uh,
just staying, you know,

just walking the street,
just walking around.

Nonsense.
You will come and stay with us.

Oh, no, Mr. Lahiri,
I couldn't...

Is our home beneath you?

Absolutely not.

Come in. Leave your bag.

[speaking native language]

Morgan, if Danny isn't
at Peter's wedding,

then where is he?

Oh, God!

Hold on. Hold on!

[Velcro tearing]
Just relax, okay?

Don't jump to conclusions.

Yeah, you're right,
you're right.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

Dr. C met another woman
and fell in love with her,

and he's with her now.

[sobs] Oh, God!
[phone beeps and clatters]

Oh.

[phone chimes]

Why would Danny run away?

Just because I wanted
to get married?

I mean,
I'm pregnant with his child.

And for what?
This stupid apartment

that looks like it was
decorated by Teddy Roosevelt?

And don't get me started
on this ugly piano.

It takes up so much space.

Meanwhile my beloved
South Park pinball machine

rots in storage.

[discordant notes]

[sighs] My life would
be so much better

if I'd just fallen in
love with someone else.

[thunder rumbling]

[anticipatory music]

♪ ♪

Where am I?

Oh, no, did I break into
Mariah Carey's penthouse

and fall asleep again?

- Aah! Aah!
- Aah! Aah!

- What? What?
- Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Are you a hot home invader?
Please don't kill me.

Babe, it's... it's me.

It's Matt.

Your husband.

Ex-squeeze me?

[hip hop music]

♪ ♪

Uh, I think there has
been a misunderstanding.

You're not my husband,
because I am not...

Oh, my God. This ring is huge.

Yeah, you said if I didn't
get you a big enough ring,

I could get used to S'ing
my own D for the rest of my L.

- That does sound like me.
- Yes, it does.

Morning, babe. Mwah.

- Hungry?
- Yes, always.

Last night I wished I had never
gotten together with Danny,

and this morning,
my wish came true.

It's like "13 Going on 30,"
except I'm still the same age.

26.

Is that Gramercy Park?
I live on Gramercy Park?

That's Jon Stewart
eating a hot dog!

And we are married...
and he's not wearing a yarmulke?

Then how are we so rich?

And what's with this guy?
Smoking hot,

lives in a soap opera set,

and he wanted to
marry my fat ass?

What, am I blackmailing him?

Okay, Detective Mindy,
just need to focus,

be cool,
and ask him normal questions.

Hey, honey, can I see
your birth certificate?

- What?
- Never mind.

Do you know what I thought
would be kind of a fun game?

You and I playing Truth or Dare.

- Okay.
- Right?

I'll pick... dare.

God damn it.

I... dare you

to tell me the truth
about how we first met.

That's kind of a weird dare.

No, it's good. It's good.

But okay,
so the first time I ever saw you

was on that flight from L.A.,
right?

It's, like,
two years ago or something,

and I came out of the lavatory
and there you were.

Judging by your build
and your denim jacket,

I just assumed you were
an old Native American man.

Excuse me, sir.

"Sir"?

I'm obviously
a beautiful woman, dude.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Can we just start over?

I'm Matt Sherman.

Matt Sherman.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Oh, were you on the jury for
my public urination trial?

Thanks for nothing, by the way.

No, sadly that...
that wasn't me.

But you might recognize
my name from the credits.

I'm a producer, actually, on
"The Real Housewives" on Bravo.

[bottles clattering]

"Real Housewives"?

That's my favorite
franchise of shows.

- Really? Thanks.
- Yeah.

That's incredible.
Do you know Andy Cohen?

[laughs] Do I know Andy Cohen?

Yeah, yeah, that guy's,
like, my best friend.

I tell him all my girl problems.

Oh.

Do you have a lot
of girl problems?

I'm about to.

[bottles clattering]

Then we had sex in the bathroom,

and we've been
together ever since.

That's the most romantic story
I've ever heard in my life.

So, Dr. Lahiri, are you
happy to be back in India?

No, I miss Boston.

The Red Sox, Freedom Trail,

Dunkin' Donut" free
small coffee for seniors.

Yeah, Boston, great town.
Love it.

I just wish my daughter
had stayed there.

How is Mindy doing?

Her mother
and I have been concerned.

Any idea
who the father might be?

Actually, I'm glad you asked...

Because if I ever saw the man

who left my daughter in
a vulnerable situation,

I would break all his bones.

Yes!

He deserves a stern talking to

that ends in forgiveness.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

Hello. I'm Sonu Lahiri.

Welcome.

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

Sonu, please.

This is Mindy's coworker, Danny.

Wonderful to meet you, Danny.

- Mrs. Lahiri.
- So how was your flight from

♪ Start spreading the news ♪

Sonu, my tinnitus.

How was your audition?

I decided the part
was too small,

and I didn't get it.
What a relief.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It's so hard being
the new kid on the block.

Everyone knew me

from the Massachusetts
regional theater scene.

I played every part from gypsy

to fortune teller.

And here, here I can't
even get a callback for

"old woman who can't believe
that yogurt is fat-free."

Well, show business is all
about who you know, right?

Finally, someone who gets it.

You know what, Tarun?

Maybe Danny can help us
with our special project.

You want me to build
something for you?

A spice rack?

I'm sure you go through
a lot of those out here.

No, you can help us select
a suitable boy for our daughter.

We are arranging
a marriage for Mindy.

You're what?

Hmm. Even though I'm rich,

I'm still slumming it
with these nobodies.

How noble.

So in this reality,
I have the same job,

the same giant cans,

but if I'm married to Matt,

what's going on with...

Get out of my office.

That's pretty rude.

I need to talk to you.

And it's important.

Something incredibly strange
is happening to me and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Go back on that side
of the desk, okay?

This is a very intimate space.

Duh, I spend half my life
kneeling on this floor.

- What?
- Fine, fine.

I'll go sit over there.

Hey...

How would you describe
our relationship?

Bad.

Yeah, frosty, hostile, not good.

- Did I say "bad"?
- Why?

Because I have to work with you

and I don't think
you're a good person.

What are you talking about?

I'm a great person.

I go to church with
you every single week.

I'm not even Catholic.
It's boring as hell

to wait in a long line
for one stupid chip.

What are you talking about?

We haven't talked in,
like, two years.

You didn't even invite
me to your wedding.

I didn't invite
you to my wedding?

Not that I'd invite you to mine.

Wait, are you getting married?

No, never.

I would never make
that mistake again.

Ah, yes,
there is the Danny I know.

Sorry I wasted your time.

Okay, universe,
I guess the lesson here is that,

without me, Danny Castellano
is a miserable meatball.

But without him,
my life is much better.

Might as well enjoy it.

Morgan! Get me my lunch.

I'm not pregnant,
so sushi and a 40 please.

So just your regular lunch?

Morgan... What happened to you?

Why are you in a wheelchair?

[sighs]

I was walking down
the street with Dr. C.

There was a lot of traffic,
and it was raining a little.

[crying]

And I stepped on the curb,

and Dr. C turned to me and said,

"Your shoes are too squeaky.

I want you to spend the rest
of the day in a wheelchair."

- What?
- I'm so embarrassed.

I feel like such a fool.

[shoes squeaking]

Actually,
I found them in a field.

It's like a high-pitched...

- Get off!
- Ooh, ahh, ahh.

Does Mindy know you're
finding her a husband?

No, but since the father
won't step up to the plate,

like Manny Ramirez,

we have to take the ball
and run with it,

like Rob Gronkowski.

Come on, an arranged marriage?

That's so... that's so medieval.

We were an arranged marriage.

You were?

But you... you...
you must have known each other

a little bit before, right?

Like seen each other
at the festivals?

You know, when you push the...
the lantern in the water.

- That's Japan.
- That's Japan.

The first time I saw her

was when I lifted her
veil on our wedding day.

It was the happiest
day of our lives.

[inhales deeply]

All right.

All right,
let's take a look at these guys.

Yay, let's do it.

[tap at door]

Hello, Mindy. You look happy.

Let me guess,

there's a new pop song
out celebrating butt size.

Jason Derulo's
"Big Ol' Cheekies"

is the jam of the season,

and I am happy because
my life is so great.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, I was just...

missing the smell of
your dandruff shampoo.

Oh, my God!

Don't sniff me, you pedo.

You did not call me
a pedo on Thursday.

Well, actually you did,

but it was in a fun
role-playing context.

Role-playing...

Oh, my God.

Are we sleeping together?

I'm not sleeping with you.

I would never cheat on Danny.

I mean, my husband Mitt.

Matt. Whoever... this person...

Damn it.

I thought this
reality was better.

Well, Mindy, I like to think

that I exist in multiple
realities as well.

However, in this one, I can tell
we are not going to have sex,

so... I'm gonna go.

What's going on with me?
I'm not a cheater.

The only thing I've ever
cheated on was my vision test,

and that was a victimless crime.

[thud] Ow!

Damn it.

Why is there a chair here?

There's like a million
chairs in this room!

Danny can't be right about me.

I have to confess to Matt,
because I'm a good person.

And if he wants to
break up with me,

I'll cash out with
half his money.

Ooh, a dentist.

They can talk about
being doctors.

Fake doctor.

What do you think, Danny?

He is a decent man.
Will Mindy like him?

Makes a mid five figures,
doesn't drink,

listens to jazz.
I hope he likes the outdoors,

'cause Mindy's gonna push
him right off a bridge.

Next.

Danny,
you haven't seemed to like

any of these gentlemen.

This is Mindy we're
talking about.

Is there a binder of
white NBA players?

Our daughter is
a 35-year-old pregnant woman

with a Bart Simpson tattoo.

If one of these
men will marry her,

who are we to say no?

Oh, maybe Danny's right.

Maybe this is a bad idea,

like Boston hosting
the Olympics.

Mindy is too particular
for arranged marriage.

Which raises the question...

maybe, just maybe,
the fault isn't with Mindy,

but with the institution
of marriage itself.

Get out of my way!
English, English!

I am Morgan of House Tookers.

Both: Morgan!

Finally we are together,

like Peter Lawford
and Joey Bishop.

You framed it.

Morgan, what are you doing here?

Thank God you're here.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I went to Pakistan first.
Big mistake.

The Taliban tried
to recruit me...

Hey, it's great to see you.
Can I talk to you?

No one's ever said
that to me before.

- Okay.
- Ah, what'd they say?

Did you ask them yet?
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

- Shh, keep your voice down.
- [whispers] Ow!

Hey, man, how 'bout a hello?

[whispering] How
the hell did you find me?

Cousin Lou used
to be a detective.

In a porno.

Right now, they're trying

to push Mindy into
an arranged marriage.

In there?

They got a whole
binder full of losers.

Oh, is it "The Big Book
of American Losers"?

I'm on page 275.

Did you ask for Dr. L's hand?
What did they say?

No, I'm not doing that, okay?

I came here to tell
them I love her,

but I'm not built for marriage.

Okay, no, no, I'm sorry,

I did not use all of
Dr. L's Marlboro points

to fly halfway across the globe,

tell the Taliban
I would "think about it,"

only to have you say yet again

you are not gonna propose to
the woman that you knocked up.

"Oh, my feelings! My qualms!

I have all these qualms."

Hey, babe, I have to tell
you something very important,

and it's been bothering
me the whole day...

Ugh! These chips are terrible.

Whoa, babe,
that's a bowl of seashells.

Oh.

Ooh, this reminds me.

I spoke to Andy,

and he is so pleased
with my work on

"Real Housewives: Black vs.
White,"

he wants to move
forward with our show.

- Our show?
- Yeah, our reality show.

About you and me
and our real lives,

our stresses and struggles,
as you start your own business.

Wait, my fertility practice?

I don't know what that is.
No, your company!

Delectable Desires.

Slutty girdles for
the sexually active obese.

That's my company?

Okay, I'm sure my parents are
gonna be very proud about that.

No, no, just...
please, Matt, stop.

- I have to tell you something.
- Of course.

Babe, if you can
confess to me that

you wrote a love
letter to Mel Gibson,

you can tell me anything.

I slept with someone else.

And I don't know why I did it,

but I promise,
I'm not that kind of person.

Oh, that's it?
That's the confession?

Yeah.

Well, babe, I mean... so do I.

I sleep with other
people all the time.

We have an open relationship.

Ex-squeeze me?

Danny, this is the best
Italian food I've ever eaten.

Tarun, thank you
so much for the sweatshirt.

I love wearing it.
I love the Sox.

You're most welcome.

Morgan, I can't believe
you're not eating.

Honestly, it just... it looks
really disgusting to me.

Like it was made with...
ulterior motives.

I'm just gonna stick
to my PB and naan.

I love it.

You know, I only cook like
this for people I love.

That is so sweet, Danny.

Why can't our Mindy
find someone like you?

Instead she gets taken
advantage of by some creep.

Let me tell you
something about the guy

who knocked up your daughter.

He's literally the worst person
I've ever met in my life,

and I was in a forced triple
cell with the Menendez brothers.

Really?
Didn't he float you 5 grand

so you could go to nurse
practitioner's school?

Yeah, but did he come
to my graduation party?

Nope! It was just me by myself
at the Rainforest Café.

A parrot laughed at me.

The waiter kept saying,
"Sir..." [doorbell rings]

That's odd.
We weren't expecting anyone.

Yeah, well, I was.

- Who do you know in India?
- Who do I know in India?

Uh, well, for one,
the dogs that stole my luggage.

And for two...

Dr. L's future husband.

I went through this binder
and I found a real winner.

- Oh, you did?
- And there he is, right there.

We're in an open relationship?

Are you out of your mind?

You only check "open
relationship" on Facebook

as a joke, like, "I'm in an open
relationship with chili fries."

This was your idea, okay?

We saw that Michael
Fassbender movie.

You were like, "I'd love to
have a three-way with that guy,"

and I was like, "I agree."

Yeah, but you're not
supposed to agree

with every stupid thing I say.
Danny would've been like,

[as Danny] "Stop
being a pervert.

Take a walk around the block.
Cool your loins."

Oh, Danny.

Danny, your coworker
who treats you like an idiot.

You know what?
Sometimes I am an idiot.

How are we supposed to explain

our open relationship
to our kids?

Our ki... we're not having kids!

You said you'd rather
have a recording studio

and a South Park
pinball machine!

You know, I just can't believe
you're doing this tonight.

Of all nights!

The one night my college
roommate is in town.

I'm sorry, okay?

[sighs]

Wait, we weren't meeting
him for group sex, were we?

No, we were meeting him for
a nice dinner and to reminisce.

Yes, we were gonna have
a three-way with him!

I don't even know you anymore!

They killed Kenny!
[electronic music]

I get it. I have to find Danny.

Now, Sendhil, it says here

you love to dance.

I myself couldn't
walk until I was 12.

Can you speak to that?

Hip hop was my entire 20s.

I'd say a highlight was
touring with Michael Jackson

and meeting the Queen.

Oh!

[impressed chuckles]
Mm.

I'm a fairly
accomplished dancer.

It's not exactly
the most lucrative career.

How do you plan to
support a family on that?

Oh, no, I run a hedge fund.

Yeah, when a man over 30 dances,
he only looks foolish.

Amen, brother.

Sendhil, you are such a catch.

May I ask,
why aren't you married?

- Well, I was married.
- Ooh.

- You're divorced?
- [imitating buzzer]

Thanks for playing, Sendhil.
Too bad.

Really thought you were the one.
I'll walk you out.

[imitating buzzer]

You were divorced, right, Dr. C?

Uh, no, I was... I was annulled.

- It's totally different.
- The same thing, I think.

I wish I was annulled.

Actually, I'm a widower.

My wife was swept
away in a wave.

[groaning and gasping]

[laughing]

I think we got
a winner right here,

Dr. L's new husband
and my new best friend.

- My main man.
- No, no, no.

He's not the husband,
he's not the best friend.

What's wrong with him?
Is it the way he's dressed?

Or the fact that he's rich

or has this frigging
beautiful caramel skin?

Or is it that he wants to marry
the old girl, sight unseen,

unlike some people
that I know...

Okay, Morgan, stop, right now.
Okay, just stop?

Danny, we know you
have high standards,

but Sendhil is far and away
the best option Mindy has.

No. No, he isn't.

If not him, then who?

Yeah, Danny.
If not him, then who?

Me.

I'm the father of Mindy's baby.

And you've come to
ask for her hand?

Not exactly.

Come again?

How could you lie to us?
I played Sudoku with you.

We talked about the Red
Sox middle relief problems!

Guess what?
He hates the Red Sox.

He hates Tom Brady too.

I don't hate him.

I just think he's
an ugly cheater.

Hold on. She's pregnant?

You didn't tell me that.

Okay, she's
a very sexually active

35-year-old woman who doesn't
like the way condoms feel.

- What do you expect?
- 35 and pregnant?

You were trying to
sell me a lemon.

- Hey!
- Ex-squeeze me, sir?

Did you just call my daughter
a piece of sour fruit?

How dare you?

Our daughter is a sweet angel

that any man would
be lucky to be with.

Of course you'd say that.

You're the people who taught
her these loose morals.

- [gasps]
- You don't insult my family!

It is the greatest
family in the world.

My daughter is a ray of light
because this is her mother,

the premiere undiscovered
Bollywood character actress

in the greater Boston area.

And Mindy is a brilliant doctor

because she takes
after this man,

the best chemistry professor

to walk the halls
of Lesley College.

His office hours
are poorly attended

because he teaches it
right the first time.

Wh... If she's so great,

how come you won't marry her?

Those are my own stupid issues.

If I grew up seeing
a marriage like this one,

I don't know,
maybe I wouldn't have them.

Mindy is amazing.

Yes, she is.

And for the record, people
would kill to be a Lahiri.

I'd kill a whole
busload of people.

You hear that?

[inhales] Whew, I'm sorry,

that's the Taliban talking.

Now get out!
[speaking native language]

Hey, how come you needed
my credit card information?

[speaking foreign language]

Now. Get out.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Danny, Danny, oh,
thank God I found you.

I need to talk to you.
It's very important.

[sighs]

- Are you on a date right now?
- Yes, I am.

What are you doing here?

I am in a sliding doors
for one freaking day,

and you are wining, dining,

and potentially sixty-nining
with this rando...

- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.

- Are you Freida Pinto?
- Yes.

You know, people tell me
that we look so much alike.

You must hear that too, right?

I don't think so.

I don't see
the resemblance really.

Wait, were you ever
featured in "Cosmo"

in their "Fashion
Fails" section?

You look so familiar.

I was. I was actually.

I had a camel toe
in corduroy shorts.

So she's not the only
famous Indian woman here.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, I met Danny in spin class.

- One day our quads touched...
- Oh, yes.

On a very steep climb.

What a romantic story.
Hey, you know what'd be great,

if I could just
talk to this guy,

and you could get
the hell out of here.

Yeah, you should leave.

Yeah, it's weird
that you're still here.

I'm talking to you, Mindy.

No, I will not leave.

Okay, you know what,
I have to talk to you,

- so if you're not gonna move...
- [gasps]

I'm just gonna seat myself.

Help, Danny, she's killing me.

Okay, cut the theatrics, Pinto.

Oh, she's so heavy, Danny!

- No, I am not so heavy!
- You're crushing her.

If you ate more,
this wouldn't hurt so much.

You know what? You are rude,

you're a jerk,
and I'm not going anywhere.

You know why?

'Cause I am pregnant
with this man's baby.

[diners gasping]
What?

I know you're very angry,

but I'm prepared to
make things right.

Now, how do you settle
things in this country?

I'm going to have to
cut off your hand.

Oh, God, I knew it! I knew it!

You knew it was a risk!
You knew it was a risk!

No, you idiot.

Have you not read
a single book in your life?

Look, I... I'm sorry I insulted
your arranged marriage.

I mean, you two have
a very special relationship.

- Looking back on my life...
- Stop.

As my son Rishi would say,

get a grip, dude.

If you had put as much
time into your relationship

as you do worrying about it,

I'd have six
grandchildren by now.

Yes, go and take
care of our daughter.

You can call it
whatever you like.

Okay. Uh...

Thank you.

Probably see you guys
during Brahmadon?

That's not anything.

Now you are not getting
a farewell song.

- Come on!
- No, no.

- I didn't do it... it was him!
- It was me.

- Both go.
- Tarun?

- Out, out.
- Out.

Are you out of your mind?

Danny, I thought "Be
careful what you wish for"

was something that people
said in books I've never read.

But it's happening to me!

I'm not supposed to
be with handsome Matt!

This life is wrong.

There is no other life.
This is it.

That's not true. I lived it!

Okay, when we were on that plane
coming back from L.A.,

you were supposed to follow
me to the back and kiss me.

But you didn't.

Why didn't you kiss me?

[tense music]

I know you don't believe me,

but that's what was
meant to happen.

You know I'm right!
You know I'm right!

Why didn't you kiss me?

Then what? Huh? What?

We date and you cheat on me
like you cheat on your husband?

I would never cheat on you,
Danny.

'Cause you're the one
I'm supposed to be with.

Hey, don't do that.

No, no, no, no, this is crazy.

This is crazy. Uh...

Take a walk around the block
and go cool your loins, okay?

See? That's why I need you.

Because you say annoying
stuff like that, Danny.

You make me a better person,
and I make you a better person.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

you don't know what
you're talking about.

Okay, Mindy? Just do me a favor.

Go home. Go home.

You have a husband.

I don't want a husband.
I want you!

[thud]

[hyperventilating]

- Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Hey.

- Hey, hey, you're okay.
- Oh, God.

You're just having
a bad dream, babe.

It was so awful, my God.

It was like "It's
A Wonderful Life,"

except it was in color
and it wasn't boring.

You hated me.

You were dating Freida Pinto.
She was such a bitch.

What?

I don't care if
we're not married.

I just want to be
with you, okay?

Me too.

[groans]
What the hell, man?

I was so worried and mad!
Where have you been?

I was in India.

I was with your parents.

Oh, no. Did my mom sing?

- A little bit, yeah.
- I'm so sorry.

I told them that I love you,
but I don't believe in marriage.

I know.

But when two strangers can
meet on their wedding day

and still be in
love 40 years later,

maybe I'm wrong.

I'd like to be wrong.

Mindy Lahiri...

Will you marry me?

[laughing] Yes.

Yes, yes.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.