The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 21 - Best Man - full transcript

(Jeremy) So now, on to
the matter of Peter's wedding.

We can't all take a week off for
the wedding of an ex-employee.

It's unprofessional.

(distorted deep male voice)
Hello. I want to play a game.

You're all gonna die.

And then I'm gonna
kill your families.

- Oh, God, ah! Ah! Ah!
- Oh, God, ah!

(Mindy) Oh, my God.

- Peter!
- [laughs]

[in Urkel voice] Did I do that?

Whoo!
It's always so awesome.



Peter, hey.

- I love that.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Best guy.

- It's good to see you, pal.
- How's it going, man?

Peter, what are you doing here?

You look awful.

Oh, man, did Lauren call off
the wedding? I knew it.

[gasps]

This is a lesson
for all of us, okay?

Next time, pick someone
in your own league, right?

No, the wedding's going on.
I signed her pre-nup yesterday.

Hey, screw the wedding.

When's the bachelor party?
Okay.

Are we going
white water rafting?



And if so,
if I don't have a swim suit,

can I just wear my underpants?

I kind of had the bachelor party
yesterday.

And the festivities
got a little out of control.

Pube tried to kiss me.

And then begged me
not to get married.

So I'm kind of in the market
for a new best man.

Oh, God!
[clears throat]

Dr. Peter Prentice,
will you give me the honor

of letting me be your best man?

If I don't have a tuxedo,
can I wear my underpants?

Mindy, will you be my best man?

Wow!

Peter, I would be honored.

No, a best man that's a girl?

What's next? Is the maid
of honor gonna be a chair?

Thanks a lot, Ryan Murphy.

(Peter)
It's a big responsibility.

You got to learn
the best man dance.

Pube and I have had some sweaty,
intimate rehearsals.

I feel like you've been
sending Pube mixed messages.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I've only just now
heard of this tradition.

And it's already the most
important one in my life.

Hey, best man.

Maid of honor?

[hip-hop music]

- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey, babe.

Do you remember how I told you
that my parents

are moving to India for a year?

Yeah, I said,
"I guess even the Third World

is better than Boston."

- Hilarious.
- Yes.

Well, we're actually having
a going away party for them

- in Boston.
- Oh, yeah?

And I thought
you could come with me.

And you could finally meet them.

Wow, your mom and dad.

That's big.

- Are you nervous?
- No.

Aren't you excited
to meet the parents

of the little girl whose
innocence you stole, you pedo?

Yeah, I am excited.

And, yes, it's a little
nerve-racking.

They are going to love you
just as you are.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. 'Cause you're perfect.

- Thanks, babe.
- Okay. I can't wait.

Oh, and, um,
it might be a good idea

to bring my mom
a nice bottle of wine.

Absolutely.

And you could bring my dad
a cool non-fiction book.

- Sure.
- He loves reading.

Great.

And maybe, like, a rare coin
for Grandfather.

Terrific.

And don't bring up the Yankees

'cause my dad
is a big Red Sox fan.

Okay. Wine, coin, book,
no Yankees. Got it.

Oh, I have a procedure
Wednesday afternoon,

but I'll just come up
to Boston after... is that okay?

Of course.
I'm so excited, sweetheart.

By the way, I love this new
scruff that you're rocking.

- Oh, yeah?
- Very sexy.

Thank you.
I'm just trying something new.

But when you meet my parents,
you should shave it off,

'cause they will hate it.

Bye.
I love you.

[playful music]

♪ ♪

(Morgan) Women can't dance
and they're not funny.

I should be Dr. P's best man!

(Peter) Hey.

I haven't gotten your RSVP
for the wedding.

Yeah, I can't make it, buddy.

I'm so sorry.

I've got a lot going on at work.

And I have these new succulents
that are having real trouble

adjusting to their pots.

So I'm just totally busy.

You're not that busy.

You're taking
a gift-wrapping class.

- [sighs]
- Hey, are we cool?

You know what?
We're actually not.

I'm still bumming out
about the best man thing,

to be honest.

Not you.
Never you.

I know things ended weird
between you and I

with the whole Lauren thing,

but it would really mean
a lot to me

if you came to the wedding.

Peter, we're cool.

You know, I'm swamped.

I wish there was more to it,
but, you know, that's it.

- That's it.
- Yup.

- Okay.
- All right.

Hey, man, as a person
who just received

his first invitation
to an event,

I think you're making
a big mistake.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

(Mindy on phone) Hey, babe.
Are you at South Station?

I'll come and get you.

Okay. Whatever you do,
do not talk to any white people.

In Boston,
they're the dangerous ones.

I'm still here at the hospital.

The procedure went late
and I missed my train.

(Mindy) Just take a later train.

We can spend the morning
with my parents.

My dad can get us into
Fenway Park.

You can spit right on the field.

I got to get home, and pack,
and shave.

I'll be up late anyway.

Some of the cousins are gonna
watch Happy Gilmore.

Well, I guess I could catch
a flight.

But by the time
I get to La Guardia,

buy a ticket... they always
pull me at the security line.

I don't know.
Is this...

Does really make sense
for tonight, babe?

[family laughing
inside restaurant]

You should stay in
and get some sleep.

(Danny) Give my regards
to your folks, okay?

Tell them I said hi.

- Love you.
- Love you.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

(Mindy)
Ooh, what's he saying now?

(Peter) He's doing
a Schwarzenegger impression,

and it is really funny.

- Really?
- Yeah.

How's your blood pressure?

Did you go see that new doctor
I recommended?

I don't understand why you can't
keep being my doctor in Texas.

Because I can't deliver
your baby over Skype, Mindy.

Now promise me
you'll go see the doctor.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

But I will not have my crotch
do voices for her.

That's for you.

Thank you.

Hey, babe.

- Oh, what's up, Pete?
- Hey, man.

Could I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

Sorry about the party
last night.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'll tell you this much,

I got a lot of sleep,
so I'm a new Dan.

- That's good.
- I was thinking,

when your folks get back,
the baby will be here,

our home will be ready,
that I could meet them then.

Mm-hmm.
That sounds good.

Can I get their address?

I want to send them
some flowers.

No, no, no.
Don't. Please.

Flowers are a symbol of death
in India.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, that's definitely
not the message

I want to give them.

What about candy, or fruit,
or something?

All symbols of death.

It's okay,
because I talked to them,

and I explained to them
that you were very tired,

and that white men get more
tired than men of other races,

and they totally understood it,
and they're fine.

That's great 'cause Sicilian men

need ten hours of sleep anyways.

They sound like nice people.

- I love you.
- Love you.

- Later, Pete.
- Hey, take it easy.

So what's that lie about now?

- Hmm?
- Oh, my God.

Do you not have parents?

Were you raised like Mowgli
from The Jungle Book?

I think I've seen you eat bugs.

That was one time,
and of course I have parents.

Just, I don't want Danny
to contact them

because my parents don't know
that Danny exists.

(Peter) What do you mean your
parents don't know Danny exists?

They know he exists, Peter.

- Uh-huh.
- As my co-worker.

Just not as my boyfriend
or the father of my baby.

Oh, my God.

Do they know about me?

Do they think I'm cool?

You know what?
That's not important right now.

What were you gonna do
when Danny showed up

to your parents' party?

Well, that was
when I was gonna come clean

and introduce him.

Why would you lie like that?

When I found out I was pregnant,

I wasn't even sure that Danny
and I were gonna stay together.

Eight months ago,
he had a problem

with me leaving a toothbrush
at his place.

Yeah, but now he's all-in.

He's even practicing jogging
while pushing a stroller.

I thought he was all-in.

But then, I invited him
to come up to Boston

to meet my parents,
before they leave for a year,

and he bailed on that.

[sighs]

And I would end
my best man speech with,

"Lauren, Peter,
together, you can do anything.

Even walk on the moon."

Oh!

I don't think
you're gonna get to be best man

through talent, Morgan.

- Mm.
- So why don't you win him over

the same way you got me
to go on a date with you?

Cry like a baby
until he says yes.

Yes.
Yes.

(Peter) You've done
a lot of immoral stuff,

but this is the worst.

(Mindy)
Shh! Keep your voice down.

I don't want Danny to hear.

If it wasn't Danny
who got you pregnant, who did?

(Mindy) Just some guy I dated.

And he's not in the picture
anymore.

Danny is gonna freak out.

I know.
That's why you cannot tell him.

You have to promise me.

Morgan?

- [sighs]
- What were you doing?

Watching my entire world
crumble around me.

Okay.

Mindy, you have to tell him
because this is not cool.

And more importantly, when
your heart is filled with lies,

it makes it difficult for your
feet to be light with dance.

Now, let's go.

We have a best man dance
to learn.

And you need to see that doctor
I told you about.

Okay.

(Trapeznikov) Hello.

My name is
Dr. Ludmila Trapeznikov.

It is great honor for me
to care for you in pregnancy.

Oh, well, thank you.

Peter speaks very highly of you.

Peter.
Peter is my favorite Jew.

- He's my favorite Jew as well.
- Yes.

You are high-risk
because of, uh,

how you say, fat, and much age.

Hey, man,
I know you just moved here

from, like, the Urkraig,
or whatever,

but in this country, when you
call a woman fat and old,

it's considered rude.

I mean not be rude.

Where I come from,
this is compliment.

You not understand,
"fat," like big, happy,

fat, lots of meat.

For the baby,
this mansion you give.

You are pregnant, yes?

I am going to Texas
for a wedding

and I need to know if I can ride
the mechanical bull.

No, no, no, no, Mindishka.

You have pre-eclampsia.

You no ride nothing.

No bull, no man,
and no flying nowhere

till the babishka is pushed out.

Is my blood pressure that high?

Yes.
You see these numbers?

It went around,
tried to go another time, broke.

I don't know how
I'm gonna tell Peter

that I can't be his best man.

You are a man!

Oh, now this makes
so much more sense.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Danny,
can we not stay here too long?

There's actually something that
I wanted to talk to you about.

It's gonna take as long
as it's gonna take, okay?

Can you just be quiet
for once in your life?

You know, Cookie from Empire
says, "No man hushes me!"

And I'm like her, okay?

So...

Why is Beverly's chopper here?

That's not Beverly's chopper.

Oh, no.

(all) Surprise!

Oh, my God!
What's happening?

It's a surprise baby shower,
dum-dum.

Get your head in the game.

[laughter]

A onesie that says "feminist."
I love it.

I thought it would be
empowering for him.

Yeah, no.
I love it

for, like, pajamas
around the house.

I don't think I like that for
him, right now, so let's...

Thank you so much, Tamara.

That's a onesie from Tamara.

(Mindy) The gifts have
been so thoughtful,

with the exception
of the edible underwear

that Beverly gave me.

I can only assume she thought
this was a bridal shower.

Just 'cause you're a mom

doesn't mean
you can't look good, babe.

- Edible...
- Yeah.

You don't have to write that.

I'm not gonna send
a "Thank You" note for that.

I also want to just say
that it's been wonderful

being around
all of my loved ones,

and Annette's walking group,
and her mailwoman, Regina.

Mindy, you know, I tried to
invite your side of the family,

but Danny didn't know
how to get in touch with them.

Annette, don't pry.

Maybe she's from a broken home.

Guys, come on.
Give Mindy a break.

Her parents are probably
in India somewhere

naming a goat after our son.

Well, why don't we just see

exactly what they're doing
right now?

What do you mean,
"what they're doing right now"?

It's a surprise for Mindy
and her parents!

I talked to your brother, Rishi,

and I got
your parents' email address

so they could join us
in a video chat.

(both) What?

- Why?
- Oh, no.

- Why'd you do that, Mom?
- You know what?

They're very shy, so... Oh, God.

- Oh, no, no.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- All right.

(Morgan) Shut the laptop!

I got something to say.

Guys, Morgan's here.

And he has something to say.

- Thank you.
- Go ahead.

This shower is a lie!

Their relationship is a lie!

The father of that baby
is one of these men behind me.

[hip-hop music]

Yeah, they're all here, baby.

All these men.

- And one of them is the dad.
- What?

You recognize
any of these penises?

Take them out.

Morgan, what the hell
is going on here?

Who are all these men?

Any why are they all white?

Because I heard this one
tell Dr. Prentice

that you're not the real father

and it's just some random guy
that she dated.

- [gasps]
- Oh, Morgan.

What have you done?

I used my extensive knowledge
of your sexual history,

and the plot of Mamma Mia,
and several thousand dollars

of my savings to wrangle
the four of your ex-boyfriends

that I find the sexiest

to find out
which one is the father!

That's right!
The gang's all here.

The Manhattan Meat Train.
I give you...

- Josh, Jamie...
- Hey.

- Casey...
- What's up?

- Eric...
- Lee.

- Lee.
- It's Lee.

And you're gonna take this rose,

and you're gonna put it
in the hand

of the man that knocked you up.

I'm not gonna do that.

Can I get reimbursed
for the flower?

Come on, man.

I'm sorry. Hey, Mindy,
I know it's been a minute

since I've been all up in it.

But I want to be
in my son's life.

I want to provide tight kicks
for his little feet.

No, just stop.
Stop.

Everyone, stop.

None of you guys are the father.

Danny's the father, of course.

Yes.
No kidding I'm the father.

Morgan, why would you even
think that?

He thinks that because
my parents don't know that.

What?

My parent's don't know
that you exist.

What are you talking about?

Hey, uh, I'm so sorry.

I'm confused.
So, I'm not the dad?

Okay, good, because
I have a genetic condition

that you guys would...

- You would find chilling.
- No.

Can we go talk about this
in private?

Why don't your parents
know about me?

I was gonna introduce you
at the party,

but then you never came.

Well, I would've come
if I knew I didn't exist.

It shouldn't take that much
for you

to want to come and meet them.

I met your family because I knew
it was important to you.

I was excited to meet them.

Yeah. I thought you thought
Ma and Dot were cool.

Of course they're not cool,
Danny, look at those vests.

They're reversible.

Inside, there's birds.

Danny, you couldn't meet
my parents once

when they were going away
to India for an entire year.

Do you know how many
of these guys have met my folks?

I went on a walking tour
of Little Italy with them.

Remember every single
second of it

'cause I was high on crystal.

Is that why you peed yourself?

- That is why I peed myself.
- Great.

Amantes sunt amentes.

(Jamie) Am I right? I'm sorry.
Was that Latin?

I'm a Classics professor
at Columbia University.

I don't even know I'm doing it.

"Lovers are lunatics."
[laughter]

I'd love to sit down
and pick your brain sometime.

- Absolutely.
- You know what, Danny?

I'm 34 years old.

I cannot introduce
my parents to, yet, another guy,

and have it not work out.

Especially now, when I have
so much more to lose.

Dr. C, do I feel bad
about what I did here today?

Yeah, sure I do.

You should've gone
to meet her parents, dude.

Danny, why didn't you just go?

The procedure went late, okay?

The party was in Boston...

Ma, I had to shave, okay?

Yeah, you clearly didn't shave,
Danny.

- Yeah, no.
- Okay, fine.

You want to know
why I didn't go?

Here's why I didn't go,
'cause I was afraid

that your parents
were gonna ask us

why we weren't married.

That's why I didn't go.

So what's the big deal?

You're gonna get married,
eventually.

I don't know if we have to.

I don't know if I want to.

You don't?

- Whoo.
- [gasps]

No, I don't know.

I love you, but I don't know...

I just don't know
about marriage.

- Okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Let's just talk about this.
- No. Don't.

Don't, no, no.
I don't want to.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Since when do you not want
to get married?

I don't know.

A while now, I guess.
Uh...

since I got divorced.

Well, you proposed to me

when you found out
that I was pregnant.

Because I thought
it was the right thing to do.

Because I wanted you to know
I'm committed to you, Mindy,

and this baby, and then you said
you didn't want to do it.

And I got to be honest,
I was relieved.

Yeah, but I never said
I never wanted to get married.

I just wanted you to propose
because you love me,

not out of obligation.

Come on, you know I love you.

I love you.
Of course I love you.

Okay, fine.

Then, Danny,
I want you to love me

in a way that I can show
on Instagram.

Because that's what I'm like.

[sighs]

It's not weird
to want your boyfriend

to get down on one knee,
and to meet your parents,

and to get you a ring.

I'll get you a ring,
if that's what you want.

I'll get you 10 rings.
I'll get you 20 rings.

- I don't care about the ring.
- Look, I've done it.

I've been married
and it didn't go so well.

It means... it just...
marriage means nothing.

It means something to me.

- I...
- How do you know

it wouldn't go well with us?

Why do I not get to try it out?

Look, I love you so much...

I know you love me.

But it's not fair.

[somber music]

I'll tell you,
besides those guys showing up,

I thought the party
went really well.

Don't you think?
[dishes clanking loudly]

Why are you slamming
these dishes around?

Please, don't be made at Mindy.

In her culture,
they don't have baby showers.

With the overpopulation,
they'd never get anything done.

I'm not mad at Mindy.

I'm mad at myself
for letting my lousy marriage

completely mess up my son.

What are you talking about?

I'm not messed up.
I'm doing great, Mommy.

All these years,
I thought, wow, I am so lucky.

He's been through so much
and it didn't even affect him.

But it did.

You were always grouchy
and now you're cynical.

- I'm not cynical.
- Oh, you are.

You think everything is gonna
end badly,

so you don't even
take chances anymore!

I'm just realistic, Ma.

I don't believe in fairy tales.

- Oh, no?
- No.

Well, then, you really picked
the wrong girl to knock up.

When you married Dad,

you thought he was the greatest
person in the world, right?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- When I got married

to Christina, I thought
she was the greatest person

in the world.
And now what?

We hate them both, Ma.
We hate them.

I don't want to end up looking
at Mindy that way, okay?

I don't want to split up
from her,

and not live with my son,

and have him feel like I felt.
Alone.

I don't want that.
Okay?

That's what marriage is, Ma.

I'm sorry,
but that's what marriage is.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]
- It's okay, Danny.

It's okay.

♪ ♪

Danny, maybe the problem
isn't marriage.

Maybe the problem is we picked
people who didn't deserve it.

♪ ♪

(Mindy voice-over)
"Dear Mom and Dad,

"I need to tell you something.

"Do you remember
Danny Castellano from work?

"The one I used to complain
about all the time?

"Well, he's the father
of my baby.

"I wanted to introduce you...
[scanner beeps]

But only when he and I had
figured out our situtation."

Thank you.

(Mindy voice-over)
"But we haven't,

"and I don't know
if we ever will.

"Today, I realized,
even if we don't stay together,

"I am certain of a few things.

"He's the best man
I've ever dated,

"and he's become the most
important person in my life,

"besides you two and the baby.

And most importantly,
he will be a great dad."

[enchanting music]

♪ ♪

[playful music]

[phone rings]

(Mindy) Hey, Morgan.
How's the wedding?

(Morgan) Really freakin' bad.

You know what?
You got some nerve, lady.

How are you mad at me?
I'm still mad at you.

(Morgan) When you bailed, I thought
I was gonna be the best man,

but then guess who showed up.

Dr. Reed. And he's doing
the best man dance!

And guess what.
It's freaking beautiful.

(Mindy)
How'd he learn it so fast?

(Morgan) I don't know, but they
were born to dance together.

Very moving stuff.

It's better than anything
I could've done.

But damn it, that should've been
me up there.

And the worst part is, Dr. C's
not here to keep me company.

[cheers and applause]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Danny's not at the wedding?

Then where is he?

[Santigold's L.E.S. Artistes]

(man on overhead intercom) Ladies and
gentlemen, we are starting our descent

into Chhatrapati Shivaji
International Airport in Mumbai.

♪ What I'm searching for ♪

♪ To tell it straight ♪

♪ I'm trying to build a wall ♪

♪ Walking by myself ♪

♪ Down avenues that reek
of time to kill ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ Stop trying to catch my eye ♪

♪ I see you good
you forced faker

♪ You make it easy ♪

♪ You're my enemy,
you fast talker ♪

♪ I can say I hope ♪

Hi.

I'm Danny Castellano...

And I'm in love
with your daughter.