The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 20 - What to Expect When You're Expanding - full transcript

Hey, babe,
what do you want in your panini?

Mm, preferably another panini
if possible.

I don't know if your press
can handle that.

Can my press not handle it?

Of course my press
can handle it.

This is a restaurant model.

I should not have gotten you
that press for Christmas.

- My God.
- What's that big fancy letter?

It's from Texas.

- Oh, you know what I bet it is?
- Hmm?

A thank-you note
from George W. Bush



for buying one of his paintings.

Oh, yeah?

"To my closest bros and hos,

"you are cordially invited
to the most epic...

"Wedding of the century...

"Mine. That's right, amigos.

"Your bwaby bwoy did it.

"I finally wore Lauren down,
and she's gonna be...

"My wife.

"When?
Saturday, March 28th.

"6:00 p.m.
until blackout o'clock.

"Where?
Lauren's family's ranch.

"Turns out she's loaded.

"Her family's cattle farm
is inhumane but profitable.



"Score!

We are registered
at my weed dealer's website."

No, we are not.

"JK, JK, JK, JK."

Much better.

"Please sext your RSVP."

- What?
- Okay.

We're going, right?

Unbelievable.

Damn it, Danny.

Ugh, none of my clothes fit
anymore.

This is the fattest
I've ever been.

And that's coming from a girl
who, in middle school,

had a chocolate fountain
in her bedroom.

Babe, come on.
You're pregnant.

You got a great glow.

Please.

Do not start
with the pregnant lady glow.

That's all made up, you know.

And do not call me radiant.

If one more person
calls me frickin' radiant,

I'm gonna kill someone.

- Okay.
- Okay?

This isn't a glow.

This is sweat from exertion

from trying to pull these jeans
around my fat ass.

You know what, I know
what would make you feel sexy.

Yeah?

We haven't taken the D-train

to Seduction Junction in a while

Oh, no.

Danny, I'm not in the mood.

You're not in the mood?

You're always in the mood,
no matter what.

I mean, after we watched
Schindler's List,

you were, like,
really in the mood.

How 'bout this?

That's a sleeping bag.

You were with me
when I bought that at Target.

It's hot. No?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A tracksuit?

That's my look.

What, are you trying to
Single White Female me?

No, this tracksuit is
the only thing that fits me

in my current state.

I think it's unprofessional.

I hear you, sister,

'cause I don't know
if you guys have noticed,

but I've put on
a little bit of weight

since I started dating
my girlfriend, Jessica.

You know, it's so funny.

When you have a girlfriend,

all you want to do is watch
a chick flick,

and then your girlfriend
comes home and goes,

"Morgan, you fat son
of a bitch, get up"...

All right, we get it, Morgan.

I didn't call this meeting
so everyone can

rub their girlfriends
in my face.

I called it because
we need a new staff photo.

- Oh, yeah.
- What?

What's wrong with that photo?
I look so skinny in it.

Half these people don't even
work here anymore.

I, for one, am sick of staring

at the insufferable smug faces
of our ex-colleagues.

Is this 'cause Dr. P
is marrying your girlfriend?

No, that's ridiculous.

Also, I'm not in the photo.

That's probably for the best.

Well, anyway, prepare
your best American smiles.

- Harry.
- Wait, what?

- Harry.
- What's up, Harry?

- What's up, man?
- What the hell, man?

Get that thing away from me.

I can't be photographed
like this.

- Whoa.
- I need to have therapy.

All right?
I need to get my hair dyed.

I need to get a colonic.

I need to get tasteful
cheek implants if there's time.

Min, pregnant women
can't do that.

The kid will come out
glow-in-the-dark.

Oh, wait, my skinny dress
is at the cleaners.

Can we just wait
so I can go pick that up?

It makes me look hot
no matter what.

Fine, we'll do it tomorrow.

Harry, I'm so sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, woman.

Thank you so much

for moving me back East

to help out
with the new practice.

I'm just setting up
my new reception desk.

You don't mind if I sell
my rap demos there, right?

Absolutely not.

Rishi, you cannot sell
your single

Ho, It Ain't Mine
at my women's fertility clinic.

- Okay.
- Wait, wait.

Wait. Before you go.

Do I look gross?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, I knew you
when you had a perm

and overalls on,
and that was nasty, so...

you look better than that?

- Hello.
- Uh, hell, no.

Sorry.

Dr. L, I couldn't help
but overhear.

If you're trying to look good,

my cousin Sheena
is an aspiring personal stylist.

I'm just gonna wait
for my skinny dress

to come back
from the dry cleaners.

You should think about it.

Sheena made my next-door
neighbor look hella sexy

at her retirement party,

and my next-door neighbor has
to be weighed at the zoo.

Damn it, Tamra, I can still
be weighed on a human scale.

Think about it.

- Good morning, chums.
- Hey.

How would the two of you
care to accompany me

to a singles pajama party that
my friend is throwing tonight?

- Ooh.
- Oh, tonight I can't.

Ray and I are putting in wiring

in the brownstone
that I'm renovating.

I would love to go
to a singles mixer,

but I don't know if you heard,
I have a girlfriend right now.

You... you're both coming.
Okay, how 'bout that?

Yeah, you're helping me
find a girlfriend.

I'm sick of it, guys.

I'm sick of being
the office pushover

who just turns up
to everybody else's stuff

and allows his colleagues
to marry his girlfriend.

Well, that's it.
No more.

From now on, I'm aggressive,
and I'm confident.

I'm an all-new Jeremy.

You can call me...

Jer.

Okay...

- Jer.
- Wonderful.

Then I'll see you both tonight
at the singles pajama party.

All right, Jer-Bear.

- I mean Jer.
- Jer.

Oh, my sweet dress.

Ooh.

Hubba-hubba, foxy lady.

God.

Oh, God.

I know you think you're a
big, fat pregnant monster, Dr. L,

but pregnancy is weird
for all women.

My mom actually lost weight
when she was pregnant with me.

Cool origin story.

Hey, we need to start
the beautification process.

On the way over here,
someone called me "sir,"

and another person said,
"Hey, big guy."

Dang.

Where's your cousin?

Somebody looking
for Cousin Sheena?

Oh, my God.
Where did you come from?

In a sense,
I've always been here.

- What?
- She's messing with you.

She snuck in
while you were in the bathroom.

So Tamra tells me
you're pregnant.

You need to be careful.
Babies are shady.

They'll steal your youth
and beauty

and keep it
for their own damn self.

Well, that ship has sailed,
Cousin Sheena.

Where were you three months ago?

On a cruise.

It's not just the photo.

I don't even want to have sex
with my boyfriend.

How long has it been?

Two weeks.

Okay.

Tamra, get me my juice.

It's not just that.

I don't feel confident anymore.

You want to know what happened
yesterday?

My butt knocked over
an aquarium.

Mindy, confidence comes from...

From within.
Yeah, I know.

Within?
Who the hell told you that?

Confidence comes from amazing
outfits and perfect makeup.

Listen to her, Dr. L.
She's the expert.

She had to overcome a lot to be

the beautiful woman
she is today.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Having too hot a face and body?

Come on.

Well, well, well.

A lot of fit birds here.

Time for Jer to make his move.

This is dumb.

Adults shouldn't have to put on
pajamas to meet each other.

They should just let
their parents introduce them

to their second cousin.

You know, someone who has
the same values they do.

I lo...

Jessica?

Oh, boy.

- Oh, that's Jessica.
- Um...

Oh, man.

- What? What?
- No, no, no.

What do you mean, "No, no, no"?

- It's not bad.
- No, you're right.

It's not bad.

Maybe it's, like, her, like,

really hot brother, you know?

Okay.

Hey, can you go over there

and just kind of
suss out the situation?

Just give me
just a good sussing?

- No. No, Morgan.
- Suss it for me.

I don't want to suss it.

I didn't even want to come here
in the first place.

You hooked us up.
This is your responsibility.

You have to make sure that her
and I are together forever

until we are two skeletons

holding hands
in a couple's grave.

Please.

- Please.
- Okay, fine.

- Thank you.
- Fine, I'll go.

- Okay.
- Just be cool.

I'm gonna be here.

Hey, what's up, Jess?

Oh, h-hey, Danny.

How you doing?

Morgan isn't here, is he?

Uh, Morgan?

Yeah, I saw him...
I saw him around.

- Oh, cool.
- I think he's hanging out.

Everything all right
with you guys?

- Mm-hmm.
- Great.

No, to tell you the truth,

I'm actually thinking
of breaking up with him.

This is gonna sound awful,
but he's really let himself go.

Really?

I didn't even notice that.

Yeah, he's gained,
like, 30 pounds.

Wow.

He brings turkey legs to bed
with him.

Jess, don't...
don't break up with him, okay?

Because...

Because?

Because Jeremy's
gonna fire him tomorrow.

- What?
- Yeah, he's firing him.

- Maybe I should wait.
- Yeah.

You know, sleep on it
for a while.

Okay, now tell me what you see.

Two hot black girls
and a fat load in a track suit.

That's cold.

Now, if the person in the mirror
was your best friend,

would you be as mean to her
as you're being to yourself?

No.

Well, I got news for you.

You are talking
to your best friend.

You.

Damn.

Sheena, you're deep as hell.

I know.

I used to work in a bookstore,

and I read a sentence out of
every single one of them books.

Now, let's get to work.

Strike a pose.

♪ ♪

Okay, that gets an A.

Really?

A complete disaster.

Okay, well, I think
you could've just said F then.

You know what?
Let's just not do this anymore.

I'm just gonna look bad
in the photo,

and I'll never have sex again.

You look fine.

It's your attitude
that's terrible.

Now, we all have insecurities
we need to get over.

But you need to own it

and be as confident
and as beautiful

as any other bitch in the room.

Yeah.

I can be as confident
as any other bitch in the room.

Tamra, go down to my car

and get me Veronica.

Veronica's a push-up bra.

Let me show you how it's done.

Okay.

Bam. Bam.

Now, don't try this.

That baby'll pop
right out of you.

Mm-mm.
I'm owning it.

Owning it.

The strange thing is,
in England,

it just means "cigarette,"
but here, it's a hate term.

That's so cool and funny.

- Hey, lady, watch out.
- Excuse me. Hello.

I'm the next-door neighbor.
Oh, good.

You're in your pajamas.
Time for bed.

I've already called the cops.
This party is over now.

I'm shutting it down.

Was that garbage?
You're garbage!

Excuse me.

Is there any way we could just

turn the music down?

It's just...
I'm kind of...

I've come to meet
somebody and...

Aw, did you make a friend?

Tough luck, King's Speech.

I have to wake up at 3:00 a.m.

with the European markets,

so unless any of you know how

to stabilize
the Norwegian kroner, then...

What if...
have you thought...

I said "kroner,"
not "cronut," okay?

All of you have to go

right now.

Closing time.

- Bye.
- Come on.

Sorry, Jer.

You know, I know a widow
at my church.

Ooh, widow.

She doesn't speak any English,

but menopause has really
brought out her inner beauty.

No, Danny, I don't want
your mustachioed widow.

How'd you know
she had a mustache?

How dare she throw us out?

You know, Old Jeremy,
he would have gone home

and taken it out
on his pottery wheel.

But Jer,
he stands up for himself.

Okay.

She's getting
a strongly worded note.

Hey, babe.

Hey, sweetheart.

Why don't you come
into the bedroom?

I have a little surprise
for you.

I'll give you a hint.

It's curvy, soft, brown,
but it's not a chocolate Santa.

Ooh, la, la.

Daddy like-y.

♪ ♪

Come here, bad boy.

Oh.

Are you laughing at me?

Danny, I am trying
to be sexy for you,

and you're laughing at me?

I... I... no.
It's funny.

I mean, it's nice.

You are the worst.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not.
I'm...

What are you doing?

Do you need help there,
sweetheart?

I'm fine!

- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.

- Don't follow me in here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mindy...

Don't change.
Come on.

Come on,
I really like that thing.

It looks like slutty Spider-Man.

What?

I don't need you
to try to be sexy for me.

I like how you look.

I just want to have sex.

I am very pent up,
and I'm saying crazy things.

I'm so happy, Danny, that you
would have sex with anything,

even me.

What?

Babe, I know you're not
feeling it right now,

but eventually,
you're gonna lose the weight,

and you're gonna look great.

Will I?

Since I was 15 years old,

I've been saying
I'll lose weight and feel great.

I don't know
if it's gonna happen, Danny.

It never has before.

I mean, I guess there was
that one time on spring break

when I accidentally had
that Cancun puddle water.

Ugh.
But that doesn't count.

It was diarrhea weight.

Mindy, I don't care
what you look like.

To me, you're always beautiful.

And that outfit right now?
You should put that back on.

That was really hot.

Danny, I care what I look like,
and it doesn't help

that I'm dating someone who's
so much better-looking than me.

What?
What are you talking about?

That's not true.

It is true.

And now I'm pregnant,
it's just gonna get worse.

- No.
- Yes.

And you're gonna get
hotter and hotter

like George Clooney.

I'm gonna get fatter and fatter

like Rosemary Clooney.

Excuse me?
Rosemary Clooney?

She's very sexy, Mindy.

Did you ever listen
to Mambo Italiano?

That is a hot song, babe.

You want me to put it on?

Ugh, I just want to sleep.

Maybe in my dream
I'll be skinny.

Okay, fine.

Dr. L, what's up?

Why are you back
in the tracksuit?

Look, I appreciate what you and
Sheena were trying to do for me,

but it's hopeless.

When Danny saw me last night,

he laughed.

When you presented yourself
for sex?

No, it is never okay for a man
to laugh at a woman.

I don't care
if he's at a Mo'Nique show,

he better politely smile
and nod.

I had a back wedgie
and a front wedgie.

Uh-uh, this is sexist, it's...

Everybody, chop, chop.

Come on.
The photographer's here.

I'm going to opt out
of the photo.

Mindy, you're coming, okay?

Put down the pie, and let's go.

What are we waiting for?

I got something bleached
for this.

I'll be in the picture,
Dr. Reed,

but not if this man is.

Why are you mad at me?

For the last time,
I didn't call you "sister."

I said you look like
Sister Joyce from church.

Everybody's
gonna be in this photo

whether they like it or not.

Who are we waiting for?

I got something bleached
for this.

You already said that.

Well, I guess
I'm not in the staff photo.

What now?

Dr. C told Jessica
that you were gonna fire me,

and then she dumped me.

If I didn't fire you
for kissing that baby

before it was fully out,
I'm not gonna fire you now.

- Thank you.
- Why did she break up with you?

She wasn't supposed to do that.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Look, I told Jessica
that Jeremy was gonna fire you

because she was gonna dump you.

I was just trying
to buy you some time.

Why would she dump me?

Was she intimidated
by my "intelli-gince"?

Who knows? Maybe.

Wait.
Danny's lying.

His lips are poutier than normal
when he lies.

What?

Can I talk to you alone
in my office?

- No, you cannot.
- Fine.

Jessica said she was gonna
break up with you

because you were gaining weight.

What the hell
are you talking about, dude?

Well, you... you have been
getting a little heavy, right?

What?

- What?
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- No.

No, sir.

You have some nerve
fat-shaming Morgan

for being fat.

I'm just the messenger.

Why is everybody yelling at me
right now?

You know what, I knew
this was gonna happen,

because Jessica is a hot doctor,
and I'm just some fat slob

who lost his life savings
to a teenage grifter

who said he could cast spells.

Never play above the rim
is what I've learned today.

It's an important lesson.
Thank you for that.

Morgan, no.
Don't feel that way.

We cannot let the Dannys
and the Jessicas of the world

make us feel less than

just because we don't have
thigh gaps.

I actually do have one of those.

That's obviously not true.

We're out of here.

Mindy? Mindy.
Morgan.

I guess the photo's
not happening.

I'm sorry, guys.

I wasn't fat-shaming anyone.

Dr. Reed,
can I ask you a question?

I need to take this year off.

No more questions today,
Beverly.

Well, I have a question.

Who the hell do you think
you are?

Got your little note.

"You have the manners
of a Blackpool dockjob"?

What the hell
does that even mean?

It's like a Tynemouth stevedore
only ruder.

I'm nothing like a stevedore.

Good shot.

You're gonna apologize
to me right now.

I will not.

If you'd look
to the bottom of the note,

you would see that it says,
"Good day."

Good day.

Don't let him talk to you
like that, Dr. L.

- Excuse me.
- Mm.

You can't talk to me like that.

I am the highest female earner
on Wall Street... non-Jewish.

Excuse me, I have a delivery.

That's too bad,

because I have more yelling
to do.

Well, you're not wasting
any more of my work day.

You can meet me for dinner
tonight.

- Fine.
- I'll pick you up at 8:00.

No, I will pick you up at 8:00.

Fine.

Fine.

By God, Jer, you've done it.

♪ ♪

Oh, boy.

How dare you laugh at your?

You should be worshipping
the ground

her swollen feet stomp on.

Cool it, T.

That's your boss.

Yeah, I'm your boss.

- But he's not mine.
- Oh.

Mine is Mr. Reyes
at the limo company.

I don't know him.

You better make things right
with Mindy,

or I will devastate
your self-confidence.

She ain't playing, Dr. C.

Sheena tears people down just
as good as she builds them up.

She made Chris Christie cry
at a parade.

I tell Mindy she's beautiful
all the time,

but she doesn't believe me.

A real man makes her believe it.

She's building a whole baby
in there.

Making her feel pretty
is your only damn job.

Okay, well, how...
how do I do it?

Tonight, I want you
to look her in her eyes

and tell her the most
beautiful thing about her.

Like this.

- Danny.
- Yeah?

You're a beautiful man.

Thank you so much.

But the most beautiful thing
about you

is your heart.

Oh, God.

That's good.
That's real good.

I'm done.

Bye, Felicia.

Oh, no, don't give me
the "bye, Felicia."

Okay, Jessica.

Jessica, we need to talk.

- Oh. Hey, you know what?
- Whoa.

I thought you got your hoarding
under control.

What?

What are you talking about?

This is just stuff
that I really need.

Hey, why are you guys wearing
matching tracksuits?

What? No, we're not.

Do you like it?
I thought it could be fun.

Are you kidding? We came here
to make an impressio...

Okay, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

You cannot just break up
with someone

because he got fat.

Hey, fat-boned.
Sorry.

Hey, Mindy, are you okay?

You don't look so good.

Oh, no, you did not.

Now you made her mad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey!

Not my coaxial cables.

There's more where
that came from, sister.

Oh, what,
so because I'm a hoarder,

I have to put up
with someone who...

let's be honest...

has become
a little bit of a tub?

- Oh!
- Oh, you did not!

Oh, God.

You know what else?

- Ooh!
- No. No, no, no, no, no.

Not my old candy wrappers.

You cherish these?

- Oh.
- Say good-bye!

Okay, we'll get back together.
Okay, okay.

We'll get back together.
Whatever it takes.

Please, Mindy, just stop.

So now you want
to get back together, huh?

- Guess what. You can't.
- No, no, no, no, no.

'Cause he doesn't want you back.

No, I do. We can.
We're back in love.

It's all fine.
This was a wash.

No, you're not.

You know what, Jessica?

Morgan might not be perfect,

and he might never be perfect,

but he's a good guy.

He's a caring guy.

He's healthy, and...

Well, I...
not really healthy.

I have this wound on my gut
that won't close up.

The point is, he's beautiful,
and he's strong,

even if he himself
can't see it right now.

God.

How can I say this about Morgan,

who's basically
a lowly dirt man,

but I can't say it about myself?

Sheena was right.

I'm sorry, am I beautiful,
or am I a dirt man?

- Why am I getting so mad at Danny?
- Which one is it?

How are you not answering...

Danny would never try to
judge me or break up with me.

He just told me he loved me
no matter what.

You know what, you guys?
Just go.

Hasta la vista.

Hey, babe.

I left a little early,
made some dinner for us.

God, you're so nice.

Hey, I want to apologize
to you for acting so crazy.

It was wrong of me
to be angry with you.

I realized the only person
that can make you feel better

about yourself is yourself.

Or, like, a gay hairdresser
named LaChiquito,

but, I mean,
how would I even find that guy?

No, a real man
makes his woman feel beautiful.

Ooh, I like how urban
you're being right now.

And the thing
that's most beautiful about you

is your confidence.

- Really?
- Yeah.

'Cause everyone I've ever met

says it's the most annoying
thing about me.

For me, I mean...
I don't know.

Maybe I'm crazy,
but it really turns me on.

Well, I'm not gonna say
that I'm prettier than Gisele,

but there is a quality
in my face

that I think is
kind of more appealing.

There it is.
I like that.

And I'm really smart
at the news.

Yeah, you are.

I can tell you all about Iraq

and Iranistan.

- Just no one asks me...
- Shut up, shut up.

Because they think I'm too cute.

Shut up.

Kiss me.

♪ ♪

Harry, is it okay
if Mindy and I, we just...

we hang out over here
for the picture?

Sure.

And I thought
it would be kind of cool

if he held my breasts
like Janet Jackson.

Harry, I'm just gonna kind of
linger in the back, okay?

I'm a little self-conscious
about my body.

I think you look good.
Fat guys are sexy.

They keep you warm
in the wintertime

and make big cannonball splashes
in the summer.

Harry, Harry,
Harry, I'm so sorry.

- Wait. Do excuse me.
- Oh, whoa. Whoa.

Ooh, doing that walk of shame.

Okay, yes, Tamra.

And Jer has never been happier.

Harry, take the photo.

Oh, I had my eyes closed.

Wait. Try it again?