The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 25 - Episode #4.25 - full transcript
Mmm.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry,
that was so spur-of-the-moment.
It's okay. I feel horrible.
I mean, you have a girlfriend.
And here I am trying to seduce you
like some hot Hollywood nanny.
I need to go. Wh...
Oh, it's happening, Curtis.
He's going to propose!
Hey, Morgan. Here
are the lab test results
for Mrs... Um...
Pregnant chick...
What's her name?
Hey, are you okay?
I got a half-eaten candy
bar right here on my desk.
You haven't even
tried to steal it.
Sorry. It won't happen
again. No, no, no, come here.
Come on. What's going on?
Sit down, talk to Morgan, okay?
What's going on with you?
You're all flushed. You
got no focus. Nothing.
You wrote "Mindy plus Jody
question mark" on your arm. Okay.
Okay, I give up. What's
going on? Okay, I'll tell you.
Yesterday...
Jody and I kissed.
Why didn't you gasp?
What?
Wait, do you know something?
I do.
And it's freaking juicy
and I can't tell you.
Do you know what this means?
No, no, no, not... Not
the pinchers. Please.
Tell me what you know,
and I will put these away.
Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on.
Jody told me months
ago that he's into you.
What?
Ah! Ah! I told you! I told you!
I cannot believe you.
You had a secret that
big and you didn't tell me!
And you told me so
many boring secrets.
Like, I don't care who
your stupid birth father is!
Well, okay. That was big to me.
But, listen to me, I promised
Jody I wouldn't tell, okay?
And I can't let another office
romance shatter my existence.
I'm still recovering
from Beverly/Water Guy!
Yeah, that really tore
this office apart. Yeah.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter
because he's so not
interested in me, Morgan.
After I kissed him,
he ran out of my office.
It was like Jon Hamm
at Equinox all over again.
Well, I mean, do
you... Do you like him?
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, I know
I'm attracted to him.
He's old and
handsome like Bob Dole.
But he's not dead like I
think Bob Dole might be.
Hmm.
But it doesn't matter anyway,
because he has a girlfriend.
And if he really liked me
he'd break up with
her and ask me out.
It's not like someone's
holding a gun to his head.
Yeah, you're right.
It's not like someone
walked into his office and said,
"Stay away from Mindy or else."
Yeah, that's what I said.
Yeah, I was agreeing
with you. It's good.
Anyhoo, back to the baby
mines. So embarrassing.
One of these days I gotta learn
to stop kissing my coworkers.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Here we go. Goodbye.
I'll see ya. I'll see
ya in a little bit. Bye.
Dr. C, huh?
More like, Dr. C-Blocker.
Blocking their kisses!
Handsome little bastard.
So, you must have wanted to
talk to me about something big,
'cause you brought me
to my favorite restaurant.
I sure did.
It's not like I chose some
random vegetarian restaurant
because they don't have
sharp knives, probably.
And I thought this day
couldn't get any better! Oh.
And I told my parents what
this might be about. Hmm.
They're so excited.
Oh, fantastic.
Dad actually had his first
good day in quite a while.
Hmm. We really needed that.
Well, that's great.
Courtney, you are
a wonderful woman.
And this is
difficult... Courtney?
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God! Alyssa!
Perfect timing.
How are you? It's
good to see you.
Listen, this is
Jody, my boyfriend.
Well... ALYSSA: It's about time.
Oh, my gosh. You know this is
where Brad proposed to me, right?
What? Ah, at Buddha's Kitchen?
Of course. Come on.
Eat your dessert
carefully, Court,
there might be a surprise in it!
Okay. COURTNEY: Bye.
Bye-bye.
We got a situation here, people.
Dr. K and Dr. L
were kissing at work.
What?
Damn, Dr. L sure has a type. Co-workers
who are annoyed at her all the time.
And you know what, it's not gonna
go any further than it already has
for reasons that
I cannot disclose
until right now.
It's because Dr. Castellano
showed up and he threatened Dr. K
and he forbid their love! What?
Danny doesn't make the
rules here anymore. I do.
That's why I'm able to wear
my high-heeled men's boots.
Yeah. BEVERLY: Whoo-hoo!
These are for men?
He will not stop getting
all up in our lives.
I still get his healthy-eating
newsletter, Dan's Kitchen.
You know, it's none of Danny's
business. Jody's a grown man.
He can date whomsoever
he pleases so-ever.
Not if he said he wouldn't.
Jody takes honor seriously.
You know, it's a damn shame,
because I think Dr. L and
Dr. K could be a great couple.
Really? I wouldn't wish either
of them on either of them.
Beverly, no. Come on.
It makes sense, okay?
He's patient with her, he's
not all yelly like Dr. C was.
They enjoy each other's company.
And he's gonna die soon, and
Dr. Lahiri can inherit a lot of money.
And she's good for him.
He's been enjoying ethnic food.
He stopped saying the
word "Oriental." Why?
I don't know.
On the one hand, it sounds like
they could be a horrible couple,
but on the other hand, she's not
Courtney. So I'm 100% behind this.
Danny is being uncivilized.
I'm gonna pay him a little visit
at his new practice downtown.
I'm going with you, because
I can speak Dr. C's language.
"Eh, fuggedaboutit."
I'm gonna work
on it in the subway.
Cool building. Is this new?
It's kinda nice.
Wow, that is a lot of baseball
memorabilia for a women's health center.
Where's all the shouting
and drama like our office?
Oh, Dots!
Hi. Morgan. You're... You're
Dr. C's mom's best friend, right?
Maybe I'm her best friend.
I have a lot of friends.
Can you please tell Dr..
Mrs. Cooper, see you next time.
And, as always, thanks for
keeping the chitchat to a minimum.
Dot, you can send in...
Morgan, I told you. Mindy and I
don't have joint custody over you.
You gotta stay where you work.
We gotta talk, all right?
Dr. L is not property.
Just because she has those booty
shorts that say, "Property of Men,"
that doesn't mean you can tell
her who she can and she can't date.
Yeah, Danny, this
is mad behavior.
Who a person dates is between
them and their nail technician.
What the hell are you
guys talking about?
Okay, you came to the office and
you forbid Dr. K from dating Dr. L, okay?
And it was the most traumatic
thing that's ever happened to me,
and I've been buried alive.
Okay. SARAH: Danny...
Can you tell me
what this is all about?
Are you kidding me?
You let the nurses
call you "Danny" here?
Okay, I just did
it. I'm sorry, Dr. C.
Uh, not all the
nurses. Just Sarah,
'cause she's also my girlfriend.
Beverly. I'm headed
to the hospital
and I would like you
to forward my calls.
JK! I know you don't
know how to do that.
Can you imagine?
No, you'd be like...
Where's Jody? Oh, hey, Courtney.
Is everything okay?
Uh, no! Nothing is okay,
thanks to that bastard!
Hmm.
Courtney.
I was gonna call
you in this much.
But you're already upset?
Yeah, 'cause I found out the
big thing we need to talk about.
You gave me chlamydia?
Uh...
Don't play dumb.
I just came from my doctor and she
said I must have gotten it from you.
Could your doctor be
wrong? You did say "she."
How did this happen, Jody? You're
an OB/GYN. Well, I don't know.
I haven't been unfaithful,
but thinking about it,
I suppose it has something
to do with the scores of women
I had unprotected sex
with before I met you.
This is reprehensible, Courtney.
I would understand if this makes
you want to end things right now.
No. You're handsome,
and... Oh, for...
My cat Curtis likes you,
which is really saying quite a bit.
It's curable, and
you seem very sorry,
so I'll... I'll get
over this, too.
Fine, if chlamydia
won't end this,
I'll have to rely on another
STD, a Straight Truth Delivery.
The fact is, Courtney, I can't be
with you because I've met someone.
Who knows where it's going,
but I owe it to myself to find out.
Why, meeting this woman may have
been the most important moment...
You son of a bitch!
Oh!
Danny, are you
still in love with her?
No! No! I'm not... No.
No, I'm a man whose dad...
My dad... You know... I told you that he
ran out on me, my mom and my brother.
Stop.
Look, Sarah, it's complicated.
It's very, very complicated.
Is it? It's complicated?
Oh, it's complicated,
Danny. Well, you know...
Oh! Oh!
Oh, God! I'm sorry. I
don't know why I did that,
I just wanted to
punctuate the moment,
and it sort of seemed like something
that an angry person would do.
Okay, well, we'll pick it up.
- Oh, God.
I thought it would be
weirder if I didn't react.
And if I had to do it again, I would
pick something less breakable.
Um, maybe just kick something?
But to be clear, I am very mad!
Yes, yes, it's clear. Oh, no,
no, no, wait. Sarah? Sarah?
No, no, no! I don't wanna
hear it. I'm gonna leave. Okay?
It was really nice
to meet you, though.
It's, uh, really nice. Hi,
really great to meet you.
Yeah, I'm usually
not a smasher at all.
No, of course. So, bye.
Sarah, can I... No.
Okay.
That is a fun energy that I
could really get onboard with.
Excuse me, everyone!
I have a dramatic
announcement about your boss.
Dr. K. gave me chlamydia.
Gross.
Well, have a nice day, everyone.
I know I won't, because,
again, I have chlamydia!
Mmm-hmm.
I didn't do anything
wrong, okay?
I should have a say over the men
Mindy brings into our son's life, right?
I mean, what happens if
she dated a serial killer?
She would date a serial
killer in five seconds,
but not Dr. K.
He's a good guy.
I saw him call a
homeless man "Sir."
I don't think he
was being sarcastic.
Yeah, and being so
focused on Mindy's dating life,
that's not gonna be great for
your relationship with Sarah.
Everything was great between me
and Sarah before you two showed up.
We're building a
birdhouse together.
But doesn't Mindy deserve a
chance to be happy, as well?
No.
Danny! Come on! Dr. C!
Take it back. Oh,
okay. Yes, she does.
Thank you.
If Jody wants to go after
Mindy... He can knock himself out.
Great. That is the
correct decision.
What matters is
love, it won the day.
You, lips.
Come here, Morgan
seal of approval.
Come here. Let
me see those lips.
I love you. All
right, I love you, too.
Let's get out. You did
the right thing. Proud of ya.
Ew! That's gross,
Dr. K, you got the sting!
It's really gonna change
how I picture you peeing.
Please, um... Could we keep
my diseased loins a secret,
just between the three of us?
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Texting doesn't count,
right? No, ma'am.
I'm about to put
this on Twitter.
You know, I think
Danny might be wrong.
I think Mindy and Jody make
a fine couple. I think so, too.
You know, it's just two
people looking for the...
Or not. Oh.
Hey, guys, I
need to talk to you.
Yes, I followed you.
Sarah, I don't think
you need to worry.
Because I think Danny's pretty
taken with you. I don't know.
Sometimes he talks to her in his
sleep, like "Mindy, shut the fridge!"
And they have a kid together, and he
refuses to tell me anything about her.
So... I did some
digging on my own.
No, no, did you find that footage
of her looting during Sandy?
No, but I looked her up online.
And she's so cool.
Not to mention all of
her celebrity friends.
What? "Celebrity friends"?
What are you talking about?
She tweets at Lady Gaga,
like, several times a day.
And it's all sex and relationship
advice, so they must be really close.
Please take me to meet her.
I'm worried that I'm
becoming obsessed.
It's not a good idea, Sarah.
I need to meet her.
Because if I keep
feeling this way,
I don't know that I
can stay with Danny.
Hey, I got your prescription
for your huge-ass antibiotics.
Wonderful. Thank you, Tamra.
Uh, you could have
handed them to me.
You're not gonna get
chlamydia. Nah, I'm good.
Hey, did you tell Dr. L yet?
She's gonna be so mad.
She flipped out when she
caught a yawn from me.
Actually, I was thinking
I wouldn't tell Dr. Lahiri.
What? You're like a villain
in a health-class movie!
We haven't even
gone on a date yet.
Chlamydia is a minor illness,
basically an ear infection,
and I'll be healthy soon enough.
I've known Dr. L a long time, and
she's gonna wanna tear you apart.
I'd start wearing more complicated
pants. Maybe a jumpsuit.
I think I can handle my own
affairs, Tamra. You may leave.
See you, Chlamydo.
Yes!
Huh?
Yes.
What to wear? What to wear?
This one? This one?
Is this sexier?
You know what,
it doesn't matter,
'cause it's not gonna be
on my body for too long.
Hey!
Hi. I don't want to interrupt.
Who... Who's in here?
Just me. What are you doing?
I'm just being hilarious.
Yeah, can I help you?
Yeah, uh... This
is a little unusual.
Patient showed
up, no appointment,
she would love if you
could squeeze her in.
You know what, if she's
payin', I am squeezin'.
Send her in. Come on in, ma'am.
Here she is. It's Dr. Lahiri.
Hi. Uh, ma'am,
I hope this helps you find what you're
looking for, so you feel better. Medically.
Just remember, be
respectful, be chill.
Okay, get the hell out of here.
I'm so sorry about him.
It's great to meet
you. I'm Dr. Lahiri.
Oh, hi, I'm Sarah.
Wow, you're so beautiful
and I love your outfit.
It's so sexy, but also classy.
You look like Taraji Henson
at a small claims court.
Wow. Taraji P. Henson, right?
Yeah. Well, thank you.
Come have a seat.
Oh, wow, everything
is so fancy here.
In your waiting room, I saw
that there was a throw pillow
that said "Paris."
This is already the best consultation
of my life and I just met you.
So, if you're here to see me,
I can assume you are
considering having kids?
Well, uh, yes. I'm...
I'm with this great guy,
and he wants to. But I feel
like it's moving really fast.
I mean, his mom only stopped
calling me "the new one" last week.
I can relate to that.
Sounds like your guy and
my ex are two of a kind.
But they're two... They're
two totally different guys!
Yeah, of course. So, do you
often think about that guy? Your ex?
Oh, yeah. Oh,
Christ. All the time.
It didn't work out, but we had
this insane sexual chemistry,
you know, that you can't
shake even when you break up.
And now, even today, I'll just
like, you know, draw his penis
to calm myself down. That's
not your penis to draw anymore!
You know what? You're right.
That's not my penis to draw.
I gotta put that penis away.
And keep myself
open for a new one.
I have this hot date tonight
with this totally new guy.
I work with him, and he's
really supportive of me
in a way I'm not used to.
Mmm, I think he likes me, so.
You know, I know
that we just met,
but I really think you
should go all in with this guy.
Thank you so much.
You're a really good friend.
I feel so much better.
Mindy's interested
in someone else.
She's clearly not a threat.
She's not a threat.
Except to herself.
She started pouring milk on Girl
Scout Cookies, she's eating it like cereal.
When she falls
asleep at her desk,
I kinda sneak these
insulin shots into her.
There's gotta be changes.
Well, I can't thank you
enough for helping me resolve
these feelings before
the wedding. Of course.
And, uh... What wedding?
Oh, Danny didn't tell you?
We're engaged.
I hope you can come.
He wasn't just a
pet. He was a friend.
Yeah, and every summer
after I raised that goose,
he'd fly over our house in the inky
night sky and honk me a thank you.
That was such a moving story.
It's making me regret ordering
goose tonight for dinner.
This has been really nice.
Yes, it has. It was interesting
hearing about your time in Haiti.
To be honest, I didn't even
think you could find it on a map.
Oh, I can't. The airplane
driver's in charge of that.
Of course.
Can I be honest? Yeah.
I've been looking
forward to this date all day.
I was kind of on autopilot
through my last hysterectomy.
I might have actually
taken something else out.
Well, that's why we have
malpractice insurance.
Whoo! That was nice.
I'm gonna be whistling
about that all the way home.
Bye! No, no, no, no!
You're obviously
coming upstairs.
I'm all turnt from
the smooching.
Oh, I would... I would
love that, but, uh...
You know, it's been a long day.
And, what with the break-up
and reliving those goose
memories, I'm emotionally drained.
Well, you're about to get
physically drained. Come on.
Get those balls upstairs.
Come on. Uh, but...
More wine? Uh, no, thank you.
I believe we had
enough wine at dinner.
What? You only had
like two whiskeys.
That's what you have
when you go on a jog.
No, come on. Get down here.
Look, uh... Let's see what
kind of nips I'm working with.
Sometimes isn't it sexier
to just use our imaginations?
No. I have a
terrible imagination.
Most of my dreams are just
me picturing myself sleeping.
Okay, it's the worst. Oh.
Oh.
Mindy? Uh, Mindy?
Hmm? Oh, my God.
The... The truth is,
Mindy, I... I have...
I have... To go to the bathroom.
Pardon me.
Okay. Well, hurry back.
Meanwhile, I will put
on some underwear
that doesn't have
mustard stains on it.
Phew. All right.
Maybe we can do this.
Oh, come on.
Uh, Mindy?
I can't seem to find a condom.
We don't need a condom.
I'm on the pill!
So unless you have some
nasty-ass disease, we're good to go.
Oh, as if!
Oh, gross me out!
Phew. All right.
Ah, ah, ah.
Uh...
Ah, this might-could work.
Mindy, I'm feeling a little
shy about my body tonight.
Can we do it
with the lights off?
What? No! I want to tell my
friends what your body's like.
Okay.
Ow.
Look, if you're here to
apologize, don't worry about it.
Sarah's fine. She calmed
down. Everything's good.
Women, right? No.
No, no, don't
"Women, right?" me.
Okay? How could you
not tell us you're engaged?
I text you whenever I meet
someone from Staten Island.
Look, the point is, I
was gonna call everyone,
but I just figured, you know,
you guys must be busy.
You know, summer's
coming, it's barbecue season.
"Barbecue season"?
What? Let me in.
Listen, Sarah's great
and I'm happy for you.
I'm very attracted to her,
but... I don't know, man.
Aren't you moving a little fast?
I mean you haven't even
gotten her pregnant yet.
Isn't that, like, your move?
Look, I get that it seems fast.
But, I gotta tell ya, Sarah
and I are great together.
You know? I mean, we don't
fight the way Mindy and I used to.
We don't have make-up sex
the way Mindy and I used to.
But I'm in my 40s now. I
don't want a roller coaster!
Okay? I don't even want
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Maybe the monorail,
that's good enough for me.
I'll just sit there,
look out the window.
Watch other people have fun.
Look, the point is
that... It feels right.
I moved on.
Okay, I don't think
you have moved on.
Because you haven't told the
mother of your child you're engaged.
You have not moved on.
Look, I would die to be
at this wedding, all right?
And if I'm not
there, I'll kill myself.
You gotta make a
decision right now.
Either you tell
her, or I don't go.
Oh, man. You're not
gonna be able to make it?
Oh, you don't want me there?
Is this because at the last
two weddings I've been to
I have crashed into
the cake, yes or no?
It is. It is, isn't
it? Of course it is.
You know what?
You're right. I gotta
tell Mindy, okay?
And... And she's gonna
hear about it anyway.
She might as well
hear it from me.
Yes. Thank you.
Okay. Thank you. I knew
you would do the right thing
if I shamed you into it.
Because, you know, that's
how, you know, you people do it.
Okay, no, I don't
like... I don't like that.
All right? I'll tell you what,
she can bring Jody if she wants.
That's so cool...
Dr. K! Yeah.
I forgot to warn her
that he has chla... Mato!
The drink? The
drink. He's got it.
He's got all this Clamato,
and she doesn't want it.
That's gross. Well,
I don't blame her.
Who does want tomato and clams?
I mean, just save it for
a nice pasta vongole.
Huh?
Oh, my God, what's Chrissy
Teigen doing in my apartment?
This has ceased
to be productive.
Well... Impossible.
No! In the freezer?
Peculiar girl.
Well, old friend, things
will get a little chilly tonight.
Ah! I'm good to go.
Would you mind
being on top? 'Cause...
it's been a long day.
Do you have chlamydia?
Oh.
Well.
No! You do?
Oh, my God.
Yes, I... I was about
to have sex with you.
Like, a couple of times!
Mindy, I was gonna
tell you, I swear.
I'm sorry. When were
you gonna tell me?
At work tomorrow?
Honestly, Mindy.
I would never...
I liked you, Jody.
Well, I like you, too.
Just get out.
My mouth still works.
Oh, God. Get out.
Get out.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry,
that was so spur-of-the-moment.
It's okay. I feel horrible.
I mean, you have a girlfriend.
And here I am trying to seduce you
like some hot Hollywood nanny.
I need to go. Wh...
Oh, it's happening, Curtis.
He's going to propose!
Hey, Morgan. Here
are the lab test results
for Mrs... Um...
Pregnant chick...
What's her name?
Hey, are you okay?
I got a half-eaten candy
bar right here on my desk.
You haven't even
tried to steal it.
Sorry. It won't happen
again. No, no, no, come here.
Come on. What's going on?
Sit down, talk to Morgan, okay?
What's going on with you?
You're all flushed. You
got no focus. Nothing.
You wrote "Mindy plus Jody
question mark" on your arm. Okay.
Okay, I give up. What's
going on? Okay, I'll tell you.
Yesterday...
Jody and I kissed.
Why didn't you gasp?
What?
Wait, do you know something?
I do.
And it's freaking juicy
and I can't tell you.
Do you know what this means?
No, no, no, not... Not
the pinchers. Please.
Tell me what you know,
and I will put these away.
Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on.
Jody told me months
ago that he's into you.
What?
Ah! Ah! I told you! I told you!
I cannot believe you.
You had a secret that
big and you didn't tell me!
And you told me so
many boring secrets.
Like, I don't care who
your stupid birth father is!
Well, okay. That was big to me.
But, listen to me, I promised
Jody I wouldn't tell, okay?
And I can't let another office
romance shatter my existence.
I'm still recovering
from Beverly/Water Guy!
Yeah, that really tore
this office apart. Yeah.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter
because he's so not
interested in me, Morgan.
After I kissed him,
he ran out of my office.
It was like Jon Hamm
at Equinox all over again.
Well, I mean, do
you... Do you like him?
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, I know
I'm attracted to him.
He's old and
handsome like Bob Dole.
But he's not dead like I
think Bob Dole might be.
Hmm.
But it doesn't matter anyway,
because he has a girlfriend.
And if he really liked me
he'd break up with
her and ask me out.
It's not like someone's
holding a gun to his head.
Yeah, you're right.
It's not like someone
walked into his office and said,
"Stay away from Mindy or else."
Yeah, that's what I said.
Yeah, I was agreeing
with you. It's good.
Anyhoo, back to the baby
mines. So embarrassing.
One of these days I gotta learn
to stop kissing my coworkers.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Here we go. Goodbye.
I'll see ya. I'll see
ya in a little bit. Bye.
Dr. C, huh?
More like, Dr. C-Blocker.
Blocking their kisses!
Handsome little bastard.
So, you must have wanted to
talk to me about something big,
'cause you brought me
to my favorite restaurant.
I sure did.
It's not like I chose some
random vegetarian restaurant
because they don't have
sharp knives, probably.
And I thought this day
couldn't get any better! Oh.
And I told my parents what
this might be about. Hmm.
They're so excited.
Oh, fantastic.
Dad actually had his first
good day in quite a while.
Hmm. We really needed that.
Well, that's great.
Courtney, you are
a wonderful woman.
And this is
difficult... Courtney?
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God! Alyssa!
Perfect timing.
How are you? It's
good to see you.
Listen, this is
Jody, my boyfriend.
Well... ALYSSA: It's about time.
Oh, my gosh. You know this is
where Brad proposed to me, right?
What? Ah, at Buddha's Kitchen?
Of course. Come on.
Eat your dessert
carefully, Court,
there might be a surprise in it!
Okay. COURTNEY: Bye.
Bye-bye.
We got a situation here, people.
Dr. K and Dr. L
were kissing at work.
What?
Damn, Dr. L sure has a type. Co-workers
who are annoyed at her all the time.
And you know what, it's not gonna
go any further than it already has
for reasons that
I cannot disclose
until right now.
It's because Dr. Castellano
showed up and he threatened Dr. K
and he forbid their love! What?
Danny doesn't make the
rules here anymore. I do.
That's why I'm able to wear
my high-heeled men's boots.
Yeah. BEVERLY: Whoo-hoo!
These are for men?
He will not stop getting
all up in our lives.
I still get his healthy-eating
newsletter, Dan's Kitchen.
You know, it's none of Danny's
business. Jody's a grown man.
He can date whomsoever
he pleases so-ever.
Not if he said he wouldn't.
Jody takes honor seriously.
You know, it's a damn shame,
because I think Dr. L and
Dr. K could be a great couple.
Really? I wouldn't wish either
of them on either of them.
Beverly, no. Come on.
It makes sense, okay?
He's patient with her, he's
not all yelly like Dr. C was.
They enjoy each other's company.
And he's gonna die soon, and
Dr. Lahiri can inherit a lot of money.
And she's good for him.
He's been enjoying ethnic food.
He stopped saying the
word "Oriental." Why?
I don't know.
On the one hand, it sounds like
they could be a horrible couple,
but on the other hand, she's not
Courtney. So I'm 100% behind this.
Danny is being uncivilized.
I'm gonna pay him a little visit
at his new practice downtown.
I'm going with you, because
I can speak Dr. C's language.
"Eh, fuggedaboutit."
I'm gonna work
on it in the subway.
Cool building. Is this new?
It's kinda nice.
Wow, that is a lot of baseball
memorabilia for a women's health center.
Where's all the shouting
and drama like our office?
Oh, Dots!
Hi. Morgan. You're... You're
Dr. C's mom's best friend, right?
Maybe I'm her best friend.
I have a lot of friends.
Can you please tell Dr..
Mrs. Cooper, see you next time.
And, as always, thanks for
keeping the chitchat to a minimum.
Dot, you can send in...
Morgan, I told you. Mindy and I
don't have joint custody over you.
You gotta stay where you work.
We gotta talk, all right?
Dr. L is not property.
Just because she has those booty
shorts that say, "Property of Men,"
that doesn't mean you can tell
her who she can and she can't date.
Yeah, Danny, this
is mad behavior.
Who a person dates is between
them and their nail technician.
What the hell are you
guys talking about?
Okay, you came to the office and
you forbid Dr. K from dating Dr. L, okay?
And it was the most traumatic
thing that's ever happened to me,
and I've been buried alive.
Okay. SARAH: Danny...
Can you tell me
what this is all about?
Are you kidding me?
You let the nurses
call you "Danny" here?
Okay, I just did
it. I'm sorry, Dr. C.
Uh, not all the
nurses. Just Sarah,
'cause she's also my girlfriend.
Beverly. I'm headed
to the hospital
and I would like you
to forward my calls.
JK! I know you don't
know how to do that.
Can you imagine?
No, you'd be like...
Where's Jody? Oh, hey, Courtney.
Is everything okay?
Uh, no! Nothing is okay,
thanks to that bastard!
Hmm.
Courtney.
I was gonna call
you in this much.
But you're already upset?
Yeah, 'cause I found out the
big thing we need to talk about.
You gave me chlamydia?
Uh...
Don't play dumb.
I just came from my doctor and she
said I must have gotten it from you.
Could your doctor be
wrong? You did say "she."
How did this happen, Jody? You're
an OB/GYN. Well, I don't know.
I haven't been unfaithful,
but thinking about it,
I suppose it has something
to do with the scores of women
I had unprotected sex
with before I met you.
This is reprehensible, Courtney.
I would understand if this makes
you want to end things right now.
No. You're handsome,
and... Oh, for...
My cat Curtis likes you,
which is really saying quite a bit.
It's curable, and
you seem very sorry,
so I'll... I'll get
over this, too.
Fine, if chlamydia
won't end this,
I'll have to rely on another
STD, a Straight Truth Delivery.
The fact is, Courtney, I can't be
with you because I've met someone.
Who knows where it's going,
but I owe it to myself to find out.
Why, meeting this woman may have
been the most important moment...
You son of a bitch!
Oh!
Danny, are you
still in love with her?
No! No! I'm not... No.
No, I'm a man whose dad...
My dad... You know... I told you that he
ran out on me, my mom and my brother.
Stop.
Look, Sarah, it's complicated.
It's very, very complicated.
Is it? It's complicated?
Oh, it's complicated,
Danny. Well, you know...
Oh! Oh!
Oh, God! I'm sorry. I
don't know why I did that,
I just wanted to
punctuate the moment,
and it sort of seemed like something
that an angry person would do.
Okay, well, we'll pick it up.
- Oh, God.
I thought it would be
weirder if I didn't react.
And if I had to do it again, I would
pick something less breakable.
Um, maybe just kick something?
But to be clear, I am very mad!
Yes, yes, it's clear. Oh, no,
no, no, wait. Sarah? Sarah?
No, no, no! I don't wanna
hear it. I'm gonna leave. Okay?
It was really nice
to meet you, though.
It's, uh, really nice. Hi,
really great to meet you.
Yeah, I'm usually
not a smasher at all.
No, of course. So, bye.
Sarah, can I... No.
Okay.
That is a fun energy that I
could really get onboard with.
Excuse me, everyone!
I have a dramatic
announcement about your boss.
Dr. K. gave me chlamydia.
Gross.
Well, have a nice day, everyone.
I know I won't, because,
again, I have chlamydia!
Mmm-hmm.
I didn't do anything
wrong, okay?
I should have a say over the men
Mindy brings into our son's life, right?
I mean, what happens if
she dated a serial killer?
She would date a serial
killer in five seconds,
but not Dr. K.
He's a good guy.
I saw him call a
homeless man "Sir."
I don't think he
was being sarcastic.
Yeah, and being so
focused on Mindy's dating life,
that's not gonna be great for
your relationship with Sarah.
Everything was great between me
and Sarah before you two showed up.
We're building a
birdhouse together.
But doesn't Mindy deserve a
chance to be happy, as well?
No.
Danny! Come on! Dr. C!
Take it back. Oh,
okay. Yes, she does.
Thank you.
If Jody wants to go after
Mindy... He can knock himself out.
Great. That is the
correct decision.
What matters is
love, it won the day.
You, lips.
Come here, Morgan
seal of approval.
Come here. Let
me see those lips.
I love you. All
right, I love you, too.
Let's get out. You did
the right thing. Proud of ya.
Ew! That's gross,
Dr. K, you got the sting!
It's really gonna change
how I picture you peeing.
Please, um... Could we keep
my diseased loins a secret,
just between the three of us?
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Texting doesn't count,
right? No, ma'am.
I'm about to put
this on Twitter.
You know, I think
Danny might be wrong.
I think Mindy and Jody make
a fine couple. I think so, too.
You know, it's just two
people looking for the...
Or not. Oh.
Hey, guys, I
need to talk to you.
Yes, I followed you.
Sarah, I don't think
you need to worry.
Because I think Danny's pretty
taken with you. I don't know.
Sometimes he talks to her in his
sleep, like "Mindy, shut the fridge!"
And they have a kid together, and he
refuses to tell me anything about her.
So... I did some
digging on my own.
No, no, did you find that footage
of her looting during Sandy?
No, but I looked her up online.
And she's so cool.
Not to mention all of
her celebrity friends.
What? "Celebrity friends"?
What are you talking about?
She tweets at Lady Gaga,
like, several times a day.
And it's all sex and relationship
advice, so they must be really close.
Please take me to meet her.
I'm worried that I'm
becoming obsessed.
It's not a good idea, Sarah.
I need to meet her.
Because if I keep
feeling this way,
I don't know that I
can stay with Danny.
Hey, I got your prescription
for your huge-ass antibiotics.
Wonderful. Thank you, Tamra.
Uh, you could have
handed them to me.
You're not gonna get
chlamydia. Nah, I'm good.
Hey, did you tell Dr. L yet?
She's gonna be so mad.
She flipped out when she
caught a yawn from me.
Actually, I was thinking
I wouldn't tell Dr. Lahiri.
What? You're like a villain
in a health-class movie!
We haven't even
gone on a date yet.
Chlamydia is a minor illness,
basically an ear infection,
and I'll be healthy soon enough.
I've known Dr. L a long time, and
she's gonna wanna tear you apart.
I'd start wearing more complicated
pants. Maybe a jumpsuit.
I think I can handle my own
affairs, Tamra. You may leave.
See you, Chlamydo.
Yes!
Huh?
Yes.
What to wear? What to wear?
This one? This one?
Is this sexier?
You know what,
it doesn't matter,
'cause it's not gonna be
on my body for too long.
Hey!
Hi. I don't want to interrupt.
Who... Who's in here?
Just me. What are you doing?
I'm just being hilarious.
Yeah, can I help you?
Yeah, uh... This
is a little unusual.
Patient showed
up, no appointment,
she would love if you
could squeeze her in.
You know what, if she's
payin', I am squeezin'.
Send her in. Come on in, ma'am.
Here she is. It's Dr. Lahiri.
Hi. Uh, ma'am,
I hope this helps you find what you're
looking for, so you feel better. Medically.
Just remember, be
respectful, be chill.
Okay, get the hell out of here.
I'm so sorry about him.
It's great to meet
you. I'm Dr. Lahiri.
Oh, hi, I'm Sarah.
Wow, you're so beautiful
and I love your outfit.
It's so sexy, but also classy.
You look like Taraji Henson
at a small claims court.
Wow. Taraji P. Henson, right?
Yeah. Well, thank you.
Come have a seat.
Oh, wow, everything
is so fancy here.
In your waiting room, I saw
that there was a throw pillow
that said "Paris."
This is already the best consultation
of my life and I just met you.
So, if you're here to see me,
I can assume you are
considering having kids?
Well, uh, yes. I'm...
I'm with this great guy,
and he wants to. But I feel
like it's moving really fast.
I mean, his mom only stopped
calling me "the new one" last week.
I can relate to that.
Sounds like your guy and
my ex are two of a kind.
But they're two... They're
two totally different guys!
Yeah, of course. So, do you
often think about that guy? Your ex?
Oh, yeah. Oh,
Christ. All the time.
It didn't work out, but we had
this insane sexual chemistry,
you know, that you can't
shake even when you break up.
And now, even today, I'll just
like, you know, draw his penis
to calm myself down. That's
not your penis to draw anymore!
You know what? You're right.
That's not my penis to draw.
I gotta put that penis away.
And keep myself
open for a new one.
I have this hot date tonight
with this totally new guy.
I work with him, and he's
really supportive of me
in a way I'm not used to.
Mmm, I think he likes me, so.
You know, I know
that we just met,
but I really think you
should go all in with this guy.
Thank you so much.
You're a really good friend.
I feel so much better.
Mindy's interested
in someone else.
She's clearly not a threat.
She's not a threat.
Except to herself.
She started pouring milk on Girl
Scout Cookies, she's eating it like cereal.
When she falls
asleep at her desk,
I kinda sneak these
insulin shots into her.
There's gotta be changes.
Well, I can't thank you
enough for helping me resolve
these feelings before
the wedding. Of course.
And, uh... What wedding?
Oh, Danny didn't tell you?
We're engaged.
I hope you can come.
He wasn't just a
pet. He was a friend.
Yeah, and every summer
after I raised that goose,
he'd fly over our house in the inky
night sky and honk me a thank you.
That was such a moving story.
It's making me regret ordering
goose tonight for dinner.
This has been really nice.
Yes, it has. It was interesting
hearing about your time in Haiti.
To be honest, I didn't even
think you could find it on a map.
Oh, I can't. The airplane
driver's in charge of that.
Of course.
Can I be honest? Yeah.
I've been looking
forward to this date all day.
I was kind of on autopilot
through my last hysterectomy.
I might have actually
taken something else out.
Well, that's why we have
malpractice insurance.
Whoo! That was nice.
I'm gonna be whistling
about that all the way home.
Bye! No, no, no, no!
You're obviously
coming upstairs.
I'm all turnt from
the smooching.
Oh, I would... I would
love that, but, uh...
You know, it's been a long day.
And, what with the break-up
and reliving those goose
memories, I'm emotionally drained.
Well, you're about to get
physically drained. Come on.
Get those balls upstairs.
Come on. Uh, but...
More wine? Uh, no, thank you.
I believe we had
enough wine at dinner.
What? You only had
like two whiskeys.
That's what you have
when you go on a jog.
No, come on. Get down here.
Look, uh... Let's see what
kind of nips I'm working with.
Sometimes isn't it sexier
to just use our imaginations?
No. I have a
terrible imagination.
Most of my dreams are just
me picturing myself sleeping.
Okay, it's the worst. Oh.
Oh.
Mindy? Uh, Mindy?
Hmm? Oh, my God.
The... The truth is,
Mindy, I... I have...
I have... To go to the bathroom.
Pardon me.
Okay. Well, hurry back.
Meanwhile, I will put
on some underwear
that doesn't have
mustard stains on it.
Phew. All right.
Maybe we can do this.
Oh, come on.
Uh, Mindy?
I can't seem to find a condom.
We don't need a condom.
I'm on the pill!
So unless you have some
nasty-ass disease, we're good to go.
Oh, as if!
Oh, gross me out!
Phew. All right.
Ah, ah, ah.
Uh...
Ah, this might-could work.
Mindy, I'm feeling a little
shy about my body tonight.
Can we do it
with the lights off?
What? No! I want to tell my
friends what your body's like.
Okay.
Ow.
Look, if you're here to
apologize, don't worry about it.
Sarah's fine. She calmed
down. Everything's good.
Women, right? No.
No, no, don't
"Women, right?" me.
Okay? How could you
not tell us you're engaged?
I text you whenever I meet
someone from Staten Island.
Look, the point is, I
was gonna call everyone,
but I just figured, you know,
you guys must be busy.
You know, summer's
coming, it's barbecue season.
"Barbecue season"?
What? Let me in.
Listen, Sarah's great
and I'm happy for you.
I'm very attracted to her,
but... I don't know, man.
Aren't you moving a little fast?
I mean you haven't even
gotten her pregnant yet.
Isn't that, like, your move?
Look, I get that it seems fast.
But, I gotta tell ya, Sarah
and I are great together.
You know? I mean, we don't
fight the way Mindy and I used to.
We don't have make-up sex
the way Mindy and I used to.
But I'm in my 40s now. I
don't want a roller coaster!
Okay? I don't even want
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Maybe the monorail,
that's good enough for me.
I'll just sit there,
look out the window.
Watch other people have fun.
Look, the point is
that... It feels right.
I moved on.
Okay, I don't think
you have moved on.
Because you haven't told the
mother of your child you're engaged.
You have not moved on.
Look, I would die to be
at this wedding, all right?
And if I'm not
there, I'll kill myself.
You gotta make a
decision right now.
Either you tell
her, or I don't go.
Oh, man. You're not
gonna be able to make it?
Oh, you don't want me there?
Is this because at the last
two weddings I've been to
I have crashed into
the cake, yes or no?
It is. It is, isn't
it? Of course it is.
You know what?
You're right. I gotta
tell Mindy, okay?
And... And she's gonna
hear about it anyway.
She might as well
hear it from me.
Yes. Thank you.
Okay. Thank you. I knew
you would do the right thing
if I shamed you into it.
Because, you know, that's
how, you know, you people do it.
Okay, no, I don't
like... I don't like that.
All right? I'll tell you what,
she can bring Jody if she wants.
That's so cool...
Dr. K! Yeah.
I forgot to warn her
that he has chla... Mato!
The drink? The
drink. He's got it.
He's got all this Clamato,
and she doesn't want it.
That's gross. Well,
I don't blame her.
Who does want tomato and clams?
I mean, just save it for
a nice pasta vongole.
Huh?
Oh, my God, what's Chrissy
Teigen doing in my apartment?
This has ceased
to be productive.
Well... Impossible.
No! In the freezer?
Peculiar girl.
Well, old friend, things
will get a little chilly tonight.
Ah! I'm good to go.
Would you mind
being on top? 'Cause...
it's been a long day.
Do you have chlamydia?
Oh.
Well.
No! You do?
Oh, my God.
Yes, I... I was about
to have sex with you.
Like, a couple of times!
Mindy, I was gonna
tell you, I swear.
I'm sorry. When were
you gonna tell me?
At work tomorrow?
Honestly, Mindy.
I would never...
I liked you, Jody.
Well, I like you, too.
Just get out.
My mouth still works.
Oh, God. Get out.
Get out.