The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 24 - Episode #4.24 - full transcript
Choo, choo!
Mail! Mail!
All right, I got your
magazine, bill, bill,
cease and desist,
adult catalog...
Oh, my God! And this.
Morgan, the $150 every year
that I pay for Showbiz Digest East
is finally paying off.
Oh, okay.
I got a patient hooked up in
there but I kinda wanna hear this.
Tides of Tomorrow, only the
best soap opera ever made,
is casting for a biracial baby.
Guess who I'm the mom of?
Okay, uh... I'm
just gonna say this,
being a child star is not
all it's cracked up to be.
I mean, when I was a child I
was trapped in three different wells.
Never even got an agent.
Morgan has accidentally
made a good point.
Child actors don't
always turn out so well.
Look at what happened
to Leonardo DiCaprio.
He just won an Oscar.
But it took him a
really long time.
Hey, Morgan, I need
you to get some baby lifts
for Leo before his audition.
Just find the store
where Danny gets his.
Colette? What are
you doing here?
Morgan and I are switching
the doctors we assist.
I'm with you, and Morgan
gets my stupid brother.
Yeah, what is going on
with you and Jody, anyway?
We're not speaking
at the moment.
We happen to disagree about
how boring a loser his girlfriend is.
Yeah, brothers can
be annoying. Mm-hmm.
My brother Rishi and I
are not speaking right now
because he won't
admit that I'm hot.
So, cool. Where's my lunch?
I'm a nurse. I don't get lunch.
I take people's vitals
and then keep them calm with
my chill-ass bedside manner.
Yeah, okay, sweetheart.
I have come to expect kind
of a more holistic approach
to how I am served.
Okay. Can you handle that?
Yeah! Totally. I can do that.
All right. Yeah.
I like it. Now, brush my
hair. Two hundred strokes.
Okay. Right-o, boss.
Uh, what are you doing?
Uh, just... It's... It's
your mid-day brushing.
And I just... I gotta
do it right now.
All right. Stop.
I don't need you to
do that. Okay. All right.
You're free to go on about
your normal medical duties.
Okay, but what do I do when I'm
finished with my medical duties?
That would be up to you.
But just, uh... Just try not to
stand on this side of the desk.
I hear ya. But, you know what,
I actually, I have to stand here
just so I can be at
your beck and call.
Work. You won't even
notice I'm here. Well...
Just go ahead.
I'm like a ghost. There it is.
Wow!
Leo, these babies
are so professional.
That one's wearing a CAA onesie.
Mommy might have to
find the casting couch.
This your baby's first
audition? Is it that obvious?
This is actually the
first time for both of us.
If you have any tips...
Um, actually, I'd recommend
rouging his cheeks
so he looks a little
rosy in his audition.
Here. This is what
I use on my Noah.
He didn't get cast as
E-Trade Baby's Ethnic Friend
by looking all pale
and washed out, so.
That was him? Yes.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
No, no, no.
God, no. Uh, yes,
but not for this.
Uh, too Asian.
Not Asian enough.
Drooling too much.
Uh...
This one.
And, uh...
This one.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
I did it! I mean, he did it!
My son did it.
To be clear, he used my
hot genes but oh, my God.
Everyone, we need to celebrate.
Colette, I need
you to get a cake.
I need the cake to
say, "Break a Leg, Leo."
Then I need you
to get a photo of him
and put it on the frosting.
I already have to go to Chinatown
to get your breast-growth cream.
Yeah, and hurry up, by the way!
I already feel them shrinking.
Yeah, we were all
talking about that.
Mindy, did I hear
that Leo scored a TV role?
Yeah, Tides of Tomorrow.
Leo's going to be on
Tides of Tomorrow?
I love that show.
Yeah, we're excited, too.
So, is Leo prepared?
"Prepared"? He just has
to sit there and not cry.
I'll probably put a
little Jager on his gums
before they say "action."
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
there's so much more
to acting than that.
Mindy, if Leo is fussy
on set for even a second,
they're gonna replace him
with the next
pretty young thing!
They did cast two
babies in the role.
Well, maybe you
could use the help of
one of the stars of
Law & Order: SVU.
Oh, my God. You were on SVU?
Yes, yes, I played
"Fondled Man."
And you were so
good. Do your line!
"I don't wanna talk about it.
"I have a wife and kid."
Um, that was amazing. Was it?
Do you think you can
come over later tonight?
Of course I can. Great.
Oh, my God! Leo
has an acting coach.
Wait, Dr. Reed,
do your other line.
"This isn't supposed
to happen to me.
"I'm a carpenter."
Come on! Ooh! How's it going?
How am I supposed to get
this photo on the cake for Dr. L?
Oh, yeah, no. That's the
least of your problems.
You know she refuses
to eat round cakes
because there's no edges
that have extra frosting, right?
But I gotta tell ya, I
love working for your bro.
He gave me this thing called
a "break." Hmm. Good for you.
Where is he anyway?
Hanging out with "Fartney"?
Relax, okay.
They drove out to the outlets.
Courtney needed
more Yankee Candles.
What?
The only thing he hates
more than Yankees is candles!
Oh, my...
Easy. Oh, for God's sake.
Child acting is much more
about the parent than the baby.
A couple of tips.
First, don't act starstruck.
When I was on SVU and Mariska
was five glorious feet away,
you know I wanted
to fangirl out.
You didn't grab at her? But
she's famous! How did you resist?
Well, I remembered I
was there to do a job,
and I laid in that shower and
I cried just like the script said.
Damn, you're a professional.
Here is the most important rule.
Don't cause drama on set.
You're there to support
Leo, nothing else.
Okay, so just fade into the
background and be ignored?
I do that at
nightclubs all the time.
Now, the most important
baby is the "hero baby."
He'll be the one used in
the majority of the shots.
The other baby...
is the backup.
Oh, excuse me.
I gotta take this.
Okay.
Now, when they yell
"action" make sure... Hey!
Did you get my sext?
Was it too gross?
No, it was just gross enough.
Hey, listen, I'm about to leave.
I thought maybe I could
get up there a little bit early
and we can hit one of those
museums you aren't banned from.
Why don't you just come
here instead? We can celebrate!
Leo got the part in the soap!
What? No way. Hey, that's great.
Congratulations!
And, best part is Jeremy is
teaching him how to cry on cue.
"But a boy is what
you got, Mother!"
It's all about truth.
It's incredibly moving stuff.
You know, why don't we
just wait 'til another night then.
I don't wanna come over
there and interfere with you guys
prepping Leo for his big day.
You wouldn't be in the way.
You can help us rehearse.
It's fine. I'm gonna be up
there in a couple of days
doing some recruiting stuff so
we can just get together then.
Okay. Yeah, fine.
Great. Okay.
Well, tell Leo I said
good luck tomorrow.
Bye.
Northern English
is like that, right?
It's a bit more, sort
of, common, right?
Uh, it's Billy Elliot.
He's a scamp.
He's a good,
charming lad, right?
Have you got an unusual
accent or is it just me?
Get out.
Okay, scales.
You.
Wow. Leo, so many amazing
things have been shot here.
A Boston Market commercial.
Re-shoots for Sex
and The City 2.
Get ready to take your
place in Hollywood history.
Ah, have you seen so
many plaid shirts in your life?
It's incredible.
All right, so I'm just gonna
have you guys wait in here.
And wardrobe will be by in just a few minutes.
- Thank you.
Hey, Kathy!
Hey, girl! Welcome
to the green room.
Yeah, we hang out here all day,
and later, some
extras will come by
and they'll take a shower
with that bottled water.
Very cool.
Come on. Let's show the
babies to the showrunner.
This is it, Leo. And try to
improvise some lines if you can.
Hey, uh, don't feel bad if my
Noah ends up the hero baby.
He's got a lot of experience.
He's the face of colic for
Mount Sinai Hospital, so.
Oh, my God.
So... Leo is gonna
be our hero baby.
We're gonna go ahead and
get him through the works. What?
Oh, my God, Leo!
Oh, my God, Leo.
You did it. You're
gonna be famous.
Don't forget about me! And
don't let me steal all your money.
I love you!
I waited for you
as long as I could.
But I had to return to
our lives here in Sedona.
Someone had to run
Santangelo Industries.
Enough. I've had enough of that
damn corporation running our lives.
We don't need it.
It's time you learned the truth.
I haven't been taking
Desmond, Jr. to the tanning salon.
He is not your son.
No!
No!
And cut!
Good job.
Wasn't that incredible? Yeah.
Hey, I just wanna say I hope you're
not bummed they didn't pick Noah.
No, good for Leo. He's
obviously really talented.
Talented, great genes,
the "Mom" factor. It's a lot.
Okay, everyone, we
got that. Moving on!
Next scene is the boat crash.
I need galoshes on standby!
Ugh! Another boat
crash? Give me a break.
Is something wrong?
They did a boat crash on
this show, like, a month ago.
It's how the twins got amnesia
and woke up as each other. Oh.
Yeah, that... That's
really important.
You should probably
tell somebody.
I don't know. My friend
told me to keep a low profile.
And I already stole this
bag from wardrobe, so.
Well, if you're not gonna say
something, then I think I probably should.
That could be really embarrassing
for the show. Hey, come on, Noah.
No, no, no, no, it's my idea.
My idea. I'm gonna do it.
Um, someone?
Someone from the
script department?
Or a grip? Uh, focus-puller?
Dr. Reed!
My main man! The
best doctor ever.
Looking fly in that suit.
I'm not sure, but thanks.
I was wondering if it would be
possible for me to work with you
and for Tamra to
take over for Dr. L.
I'll make it worth your while.
In home repair, not sex.
Yeah, that's...
That's pretty clear.
Oh, okay. Um, here's
the thing, Colette.
Tamra and I, we have
such a close rapport. Yeah.
You know, when I tell
her to do something,
she immediately tells me
why she's too busy to do it.
I mean, can't you go
back to working with Jody?
Not while he's dating Barfney.
Ugh! This feud has to stop.
It's affecting the whole office.
You know who could sort
this out, your brother, Forbes.
Forbes is the
ultimate peacemaker.
When he was in Iraq,
he got the Sunnis and Shia to
work together on a town water pump.
They blew it up
when he left, but still.
Well, Forbes isn't here,
and this feud has to stop.
All right, you and
Tamra can switch duties.
Yes! Thank you, Dr. Reed!
You are so awesome.
Excuse me? Hi.
You're Gabe Mueller-Green,
the head writer, right?
I'm Mindy. My son
is one of the babies.
Oh, cool. He's adorable.
I'm a huge fan.
The episode where Piara got
locked in the cage. Ah. Perfection.
Emmy all over it. Thanks a lot.
We've had that
cage sitting around.
We've been trying
to use it for months.
That's so smart.
You know, I actually noticed
a little thing in the script.
Sure, I'll sign your script.
No. Um...
You have Marguerite
getting injured in a boat crash.
But the same thing
happened last month.
This is a boat crash.
That was a shipwreck.
Pretty different, when
you think about it.
Really? 'Cause they...
They feel pretty similar to me.
I'm a writer, too.
My erotic memoir,
Tussled Sheets,
was printed out
at a Kinko's, so.
Oh. Well, cool, appreciate it.
Yeah. Thanks very much.
Huh. You're welcome.
What a nice guy.
He took my note.
What's next, directing?
Nah, that's a man's job.
Soup train coming through.
What up, Colette!
Oh! Damn, Tamra!
You made me spill my soup.
I'm covered in chicken nood.
Aw! Do you not like
surprises? 'Cause I don't.
Like when I found out someone
took my job with Dr. Reed.
Oh, yeah. Is that all right? No.
I'm not working for
Dr. L. She's crazy!
She made me go to her
high school reunion as her.
She's not that bad.
If you catch the stuff she
throws at you, you get to keep it.
We're not switching. Dr. Reed!
Yes, Tamra. I'm back
working for you again, okay?
Wonderful. Sorry
for any confusion.
How about an extra hour at
lunch for your troubles? Tight.
Morning, guys.
Hey, Dr. L! How'd
Leo's big day go?
It was amazing. Guys, I
think my son is a celebrity.
This morning, he
trashed his crib.
Hey, Jeremy, thank you
so much for your help.
It was an honor to introduce a
fellow thespian to his instrument.
Hmm. BEVERLY: I can act, too.
"I like my job." See?
Okay, well. Guys,
his episode airs today.
So we are having
a viewing party.
Colette, you're
gonna take care of it.
We're gonna need hot-eats,
cool-treats, cocktails, mocktails,
and the show takes
place in Arizona, so...
Arizona theme? So,
like, John McCain?
I don't wanna be
involved in the process.
Just read my mind the
way that Morgan would've.
Old people. Pool noodles?
Meth? Wh... what?
Quietly.
Hi.
What up, Coach!
How's recruiting?
Well, I met a great left tackle.
Now I just gotta keep him
from joining the marching band.
How's it going with you?
Well, Leo and I are
hosting a little viewing party
for his episode at
work. You should come.
Colette's making a baked brie.
- What?
Well, I got an early
morning meeting tomorrow.
I got this campus
group trying to push us
to make our fight
song less aggressive.
How about a rain check?
Oh. Okay. Yeah, sure.
Just please try to
catch his episode.
Oh, of course! You kidding me?
He's already my favorite
soap star with zero competition.
Bye.
All right, come in!
Hey! What do you think?
Finally got all
the decorations up
and I got the baked
brie right on the third try.
I love it. I don't want
the baked brie anymore.
I think it's just gonna
be really heavy.
And I thought we could do
like a Mediterranean platter.
A little baba ghanoush,
fattoush, flatbread.
You can put that on my desk,
though. I'll eat it for dinner.
I can't do this anymore!
You don't need a
nurse. You need a wife.
I had a wife! And his
name was Morgan.
He was a freaking angel and
he got taken away from me.
And if you don't like this, why
don't you go work with Jody again?
What's the big
whoop? Courtney's fine.
And she's definitely a step up
from the other women
he was sleeping with.
College skanks, tequila
reps, his sister-in-law.
What?
Oh, my God. You
knew about that, right?
Oh. That Jody had an
affair with Anne-Marie,
our brother's wife?
I knew that. I knew
the hell out of that.
Oh, thank God.
Uh, just gonna go see
about those appetizers.
Thank you. COLETTE: Uh-huh.
Oh, and I want mini quiches. But, like, the big kind.
- Can't hear you.
Hey, you busy?
Well, if it isn't Colette, here
to beg me for her job back.
Excuse me while I
make myself comfortable.
You know how I said there
was no other person in the world
who was worse for you
to date than Courtney?
Yes. So does Courtney.
You said it in front of her.
Well, I was wrong. Ah, Colette.
I knew you'd come around.
I was wrong
because sleeping with
our brother's wife is worse!
Way worse!
Okay, okay. Everybody, be quiet.
It's time for Leo's scene.
Are you as nervous as I am? I
can barely keep down my scone.
Where are Jody and Colette?
Oh, they're not coming.
I've arranged for them
to have a little visitor.
It's time you learned the truth.
I haven't been taking
Desmond, Jr. to the tanning salon.
He is not your son!
Wait a second, that isn't Leo.
Now, that's a baby.
I can't believe they
used the other kid.
Shh! Some of us are
still trying to watch.
Who's gonna run
Santangelo Industries?
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Colette, there is a perfectly
reasonable explanation for this.
Our brother was away in Iraq.
Anne-Marie was very
lonely. I was very aroused.
Stop!
No! Morgan, not now!
Then I guess I'll just go
back to Kimball's Hollow.
Forbes?
Hello, siblings.
You wanna tell me what
all this fighting's about?
Jeremy was right to call me,
this is worse than I thought.
But, Colette, I think
you're in the wrong.
Why shouldn't Jody
have a girlfriend?
He's been so good to both of us.
He took such good care of my
Anne-Marie while I was away in Iraq.
Oh, he took care
of her real good.
Thank you for repeating
my point for clarity, Colette,
but you're acting like a brat.
Oh, now, Forbes, I think
that might be a little harsh.
No, you're too soft on
her 'cause she's the baby.
Mother let her get away
with just about anything,
including dressing up like
Shaft during Halloween.
Well, but she won a
prize at the church party.
"Can you dig it?"
Remember? FORBES: No.
Now, Colette, I won't let you
treat your brother this way.
There are worse
ways to treat a brother.
Colette, you're
acting very strange.
What are you trying to say?
I'm not saying anything.
Colette! Nothing!
Jody, what has gotten into her?
Kimball-Kinney women
don't go insane until their 40s.
I can't believe you gave
a note to the head writer!
I don't get it. Who wouldn't
want friendly criticism
from someone outside
of their profession?
Writers are sensitive
creatures, Mindy.
But my friend Kathy, the other
mom, said that it was a good idea.
"Friend"?
What was number nine in
my rules of stage mommery?
10-1 is pee, 10-2 is poo.
That was eight. What
was number nine?
Stage mothers don't have
friends, they just have enemies...
They haven't stabbed
in the back yet.
That bitch set me up!
Jeremy, I need a vendetta day.
Where are my brass knuckles?
No, no, no, no,
no. No. Leave it.
Okay, you're clearly
not cut out for this.
I don't know, maybe Leo can get
into something less challenging.
So much for dreaming big.
Guess he'll just have to
be a stupid doctor like us.
Jody, I know you're
upset but she'll be fine.
She'll go to her CrossFit gym
and she'll push a couple
of truck tires around.
Yes, I suppose so. Jody,
I also wanna thank you.
For the good care you took of my
Anne-Marie while I was overseas.
There's no need for that. It
was... It was my pleasure.
Not my pleasure. It was my duty.
I knew that no matter what
my Anne-Marie needed,
you were there to
give it to her good.
Oh! All right.
Forbes...
Geez. There's
something I gotta tell ya.
Something you're not gonna like.
While you were away,
Anne-Marie and I...
What are you saying, Jody?
It's, uh, Leviticus 20:21.
You lay with your
brother's wife?
Yes. Can you ever forgive me?
Oh, no.
It's between you
and the Lord, Jody.
Thank you so much. I...
I think you're gonna wanna
get a new island in the kitchen
because it has
been tainted, and...
Dang, you look worse than when
Daddy tried to put me in my Easter dress.
Is there someplace
private we could talk?
Yeah, come on in. Thank you.
Sleeping with Anne-Marie
is the worst thing I ever did.
And I once shot
and ate a bald eagle.
Courtney's an adult. She's not
on her parent's cell phone plan.
She's got her own printer. I
just wish you weren't so jealous.
I am not jealous of her.
And I am jealous
of a ton of stuff.
Beverly's knife,
Dr. Lahiri's massive hands.
Well, then what's the problem?
You deserve more
than just a normal girl.
You deserve someone awesome
like Jessica Rabbit
or Brandi Chastain.
Oh... I do not deserve
anyone like that.
Hey, guys, I enjoyed listening
to this when it was juicy
but now it's just sad
and boring, okay?
Why are you even in bed at 8:00?
'Cause I don't have
plans tonight, okay?
And I'll thank you
not for bringing it up.
Ah, I tell you what, we
found this great kid today.
Boy, he'd be a
great running back.
Wants to be a rabbi.
But I think we can flip him.
Hey, what's wrong? You're
barely eating my food.
Oh, uh, I'm so sorry.
I'm still thinking about
Tides of Tomorrow.
Oh, yes. Hey, Leo was so good.
What? Yeah, so talented.
I, uh, I get it, you know?
I... I understand why you're
trying to get him into the business.
Drew, Leo wasn't on the
show. They used another kid.
Are you sure? I think
it may have been him.
You think I can't
recognize my son?
Yes, I took home that Greek
boy from daycare one time.
But they have the same olive
complexion. It was confusing.
How could you not
watch? I'm sorry.
I was working out and
I forgot. It was leg day.
Look, I don't wanna make a big deal
about this, but how could you forget?
You know how important
it was to the two of us.
And I don't wanna bring this up,
but I felt like the other night
you didn't wanna come
over because Leo was here.
What? That is
absolutely not true.
I put my time in with
Leo over the weekend.
And I figured, you know,
I'd like to have a little time
to focus on the two of us.
Drew, I like you a lot,
but I can't be in a
relationship with a guy
who thinks he's "putting
in his time" with my son.
He's the most important
person in my life,
and I wanna be with someone
who's as excited about him as I am.
Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
Hi, Mindy.
Go away. I'm very humiliated.
I broke up with my boyfriend and
my son will never win a Golden Globe.
I don't wanna talk
to anyone right now.
All right.
Oh, my God. What
happened to you?
Oh, no. Did you ask
Tamra about her hair?
You're not supposed to ask
black women about their hair.
No. It's just a little tiff.
But I just wanted to tell you
that I saw Tides of Tomorrow
and I was very disappointed
not to see little Leo in it.
You watched it?
I watched it on my
home computer.
I must say, it was very difficult
to navigate the network website.
I had to register. I saw the same
Lipitor commercial three times.
Yeah. And then, to top it off,
I see they've cast some kid
without an ounce of Leo's star power.
I know, right?
Thank you for saying that.
Well, it's nothing
but the truth.
These Hollywood phonies
don't know anything about acting.
I think little Leo
should stick with it.
He's... He's a special boy.
And, uh, I think he might...
Mail! Mail!
All right, I got your
magazine, bill, bill,
cease and desist,
adult catalog...
Oh, my God! And this.
Morgan, the $150 every year
that I pay for Showbiz Digest East
is finally paying off.
Oh, okay.
I got a patient hooked up in
there but I kinda wanna hear this.
Tides of Tomorrow, only the
best soap opera ever made,
is casting for a biracial baby.
Guess who I'm the mom of?
Okay, uh... I'm
just gonna say this,
being a child star is not
all it's cracked up to be.
I mean, when I was a child I
was trapped in three different wells.
Never even got an agent.
Morgan has accidentally
made a good point.
Child actors don't
always turn out so well.
Look at what happened
to Leonardo DiCaprio.
He just won an Oscar.
But it took him a
really long time.
Hey, Morgan, I need
you to get some baby lifts
for Leo before his audition.
Just find the store
where Danny gets his.
Colette? What are
you doing here?
Morgan and I are switching
the doctors we assist.
I'm with you, and Morgan
gets my stupid brother.
Yeah, what is going on
with you and Jody, anyway?
We're not speaking
at the moment.
We happen to disagree about
how boring a loser his girlfriend is.
Yeah, brothers can
be annoying. Mm-hmm.
My brother Rishi and I
are not speaking right now
because he won't
admit that I'm hot.
So, cool. Where's my lunch?
I'm a nurse. I don't get lunch.
I take people's vitals
and then keep them calm with
my chill-ass bedside manner.
Yeah, okay, sweetheart.
I have come to expect kind
of a more holistic approach
to how I am served.
Okay. Can you handle that?
Yeah! Totally. I can do that.
All right. Yeah.
I like it. Now, brush my
hair. Two hundred strokes.
Okay. Right-o, boss.
Uh, what are you doing?
Uh, just... It's... It's
your mid-day brushing.
And I just... I gotta
do it right now.
All right. Stop.
I don't need you to
do that. Okay. All right.
You're free to go on about
your normal medical duties.
Okay, but what do I do when I'm
finished with my medical duties?
That would be up to you.
But just, uh... Just try not to
stand on this side of the desk.
I hear ya. But, you know what,
I actually, I have to stand here
just so I can be at
your beck and call.
Work. You won't even
notice I'm here. Well...
Just go ahead.
I'm like a ghost. There it is.
Wow!
Leo, these babies
are so professional.
That one's wearing a CAA onesie.
Mommy might have to
find the casting couch.
This your baby's first
audition? Is it that obvious?
This is actually the
first time for both of us.
If you have any tips...
Um, actually, I'd recommend
rouging his cheeks
so he looks a little
rosy in his audition.
Here. This is what
I use on my Noah.
He didn't get cast as
E-Trade Baby's Ethnic Friend
by looking all pale
and washed out, so.
That was him? Yes.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
No, no, no.
God, no. Uh, yes,
but not for this.
Uh, too Asian.
Not Asian enough.
Drooling too much.
Uh...
This one.
And, uh...
This one.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
I did it! I mean, he did it!
My son did it.
To be clear, he used my
hot genes but oh, my God.
Everyone, we need to celebrate.
Colette, I need
you to get a cake.
I need the cake to
say, "Break a Leg, Leo."
Then I need you
to get a photo of him
and put it on the frosting.
I already have to go to Chinatown
to get your breast-growth cream.
Yeah, and hurry up, by the way!
I already feel them shrinking.
Yeah, we were all
talking about that.
Mindy, did I hear
that Leo scored a TV role?
Yeah, Tides of Tomorrow.
Leo's going to be on
Tides of Tomorrow?
I love that show.
Yeah, we're excited, too.
So, is Leo prepared?
"Prepared"? He just has
to sit there and not cry.
I'll probably put a
little Jager on his gums
before they say "action."
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
there's so much more
to acting than that.
Mindy, if Leo is fussy
on set for even a second,
they're gonna replace him
with the next
pretty young thing!
They did cast two
babies in the role.
Well, maybe you
could use the help of
one of the stars of
Law & Order: SVU.
Oh, my God. You were on SVU?
Yes, yes, I played
"Fondled Man."
And you were so
good. Do your line!
"I don't wanna talk about it.
"I have a wife and kid."
Um, that was amazing. Was it?
Do you think you can
come over later tonight?
Of course I can. Great.
Oh, my God! Leo
has an acting coach.
Wait, Dr. Reed,
do your other line.
"This isn't supposed
to happen to me.
"I'm a carpenter."
Come on! Ooh! How's it going?
How am I supposed to get
this photo on the cake for Dr. L?
Oh, yeah, no. That's the
least of your problems.
You know she refuses
to eat round cakes
because there's no edges
that have extra frosting, right?
But I gotta tell ya, I
love working for your bro.
He gave me this thing called
a "break." Hmm. Good for you.
Where is he anyway?
Hanging out with "Fartney"?
Relax, okay.
They drove out to the outlets.
Courtney needed
more Yankee Candles.
What?
The only thing he hates
more than Yankees is candles!
Oh, my...
Easy. Oh, for God's sake.
Child acting is much more
about the parent than the baby.
A couple of tips.
First, don't act starstruck.
When I was on SVU and Mariska
was five glorious feet away,
you know I wanted
to fangirl out.
You didn't grab at her? But
she's famous! How did you resist?
Well, I remembered I
was there to do a job,
and I laid in that shower and
I cried just like the script said.
Damn, you're a professional.
Here is the most important rule.
Don't cause drama on set.
You're there to support
Leo, nothing else.
Okay, so just fade into the
background and be ignored?
I do that at
nightclubs all the time.
Now, the most important
baby is the "hero baby."
He'll be the one used in
the majority of the shots.
The other baby...
is the backup.
Oh, excuse me.
I gotta take this.
Okay.
Now, when they yell
"action" make sure... Hey!
Did you get my sext?
Was it too gross?
No, it was just gross enough.
Hey, listen, I'm about to leave.
I thought maybe I could
get up there a little bit early
and we can hit one of those
museums you aren't banned from.
Why don't you just come
here instead? We can celebrate!
Leo got the part in the soap!
What? No way. Hey, that's great.
Congratulations!
And, best part is Jeremy is
teaching him how to cry on cue.
"But a boy is what
you got, Mother!"
It's all about truth.
It's incredibly moving stuff.
You know, why don't we
just wait 'til another night then.
I don't wanna come over
there and interfere with you guys
prepping Leo for his big day.
You wouldn't be in the way.
You can help us rehearse.
It's fine. I'm gonna be up
there in a couple of days
doing some recruiting stuff so
we can just get together then.
Okay. Yeah, fine.
Great. Okay.
Well, tell Leo I said
good luck tomorrow.
Bye.
Northern English
is like that, right?
It's a bit more, sort
of, common, right?
Uh, it's Billy Elliot.
He's a scamp.
He's a good,
charming lad, right?
Have you got an unusual
accent or is it just me?
Get out.
Okay, scales.
You.
Wow. Leo, so many amazing
things have been shot here.
A Boston Market commercial.
Re-shoots for Sex
and The City 2.
Get ready to take your
place in Hollywood history.
Ah, have you seen so
many plaid shirts in your life?
It's incredible.
All right, so I'm just gonna
have you guys wait in here.
And wardrobe will be by in just a few minutes.
- Thank you.
Hey, Kathy!
Hey, girl! Welcome
to the green room.
Yeah, we hang out here all day,
and later, some
extras will come by
and they'll take a shower
with that bottled water.
Very cool.
Come on. Let's show the
babies to the showrunner.
This is it, Leo. And try to
improvise some lines if you can.
Hey, uh, don't feel bad if my
Noah ends up the hero baby.
He's got a lot of experience.
He's the face of colic for
Mount Sinai Hospital, so.
Oh, my God.
So... Leo is gonna
be our hero baby.
We're gonna go ahead and
get him through the works. What?
Oh, my God, Leo!
Oh, my God, Leo.
You did it. You're
gonna be famous.
Don't forget about me! And
don't let me steal all your money.
I love you!
I waited for you
as long as I could.
But I had to return to
our lives here in Sedona.
Someone had to run
Santangelo Industries.
Enough. I've had enough of that
damn corporation running our lives.
We don't need it.
It's time you learned the truth.
I haven't been taking
Desmond, Jr. to the tanning salon.
He is not your son.
No!
No!
And cut!
Good job.
Wasn't that incredible? Yeah.
Hey, I just wanna say I hope you're
not bummed they didn't pick Noah.
No, good for Leo. He's
obviously really talented.
Talented, great genes,
the "Mom" factor. It's a lot.
Okay, everyone, we
got that. Moving on!
Next scene is the boat crash.
I need galoshes on standby!
Ugh! Another boat
crash? Give me a break.
Is something wrong?
They did a boat crash on
this show, like, a month ago.
It's how the twins got amnesia
and woke up as each other. Oh.
Yeah, that... That's
really important.
You should probably
tell somebody.
I don't know. My friend
told me to keep a low profile.
And I already stole this
bag from wardrobe, so.
Well, if you're not gonna say
something, then I think I probably should.
That could be really embarrassing
for the show. Hey, come on, Noah.
No, no, no, no, it's my idea.
My idea. I'm gonna do it.
Um, someone?
Someone from the
script department?
Or a grip? Uh, focus-puller?
Dr. Reed!
My main man! The
best doctor ever.
Looking fly in that suit.
I'm not sure, but thanks.
I was wondering if it would be
possible for me to work with you
and for Tamra to
take over for Dr. L.
I'll make it worth your while.
In home repair, not sex.
Yeah, that's...
That's pretty clear.
Oh, okay. Um, here's
the thing, Colette.
Tamra and I, we have
such a close rapport. Yeah.
You know, when I tell
her to do something,
she immediately tells me
why she's too busy to do it.
I mean, can't you go
back to working with Jody?
Not while he's dating Barfney.
Ugh! This feud has to stop.
It's affecting the whole office.
You know who could sort
this out, your brother, Forbes.
Forbes is the
ultimate peacemaker.
When he was in Iraq,
he got the Sunnis and Shia to
work together on a town water pump.
They blew it up
when he left, but still.
Well, Forbes isn't here,
and this feud has to stop.
All right, you and
Tamra can switch duties.
Yes! Thank you, Dr. Reed!
You are so awesome.
Excuse me? Hi.
You're Gabe Mueller-Green,
the head writer, right?
I'm Mindy. My son
is one of the babies.
Oh, cool. He's adorable.
I'm a huge fan.
The episode where Piara got
locked in the cage. Ah. Perfection.
Emmy all over it. Thanks a lot.
We've had that
cage sitting around.
We've been trying
to use it for months.
That's so smart.
You know, I actually noticed
a little thing in the script.
Sure, I'll sign your script.
No. Um...
You have Marguerite
getting injured in a boat crash.
But the same thing
happened last month.
This is a boat crash.
That was a shipwreck.
Pretty different, when
you think about it.
Really? 'Cause they...
They feel pretty similar to me.
I'm a writer, too.
My erotic memoir,
Tussled Sheets,
was printed out
at a Kinko's, so.
Oh. Well, cool, appreciate it.
Yeah. Thanks very much.
Huh. You're welcome.
What a nice guy.
He took my note.
What's next, directing?
Nah, that's a man's job.
Soup train coming through.
What up, Colette!
Oh! Damn, Tamra!
You made me spill my soup.
I'm covered in chicken nood.
Aw! Do you not like
surprises? 'Cause I don't.
Like when I found out someone
took my job with Dr. Reed.
Oh, yeah. Is that all right? No.
I'm not working for
Dr. L. She's crazy!
She made me go to her
high school reunion as her.
She's not that bad.
If you catch the stuff she
throws at you, you get to keep it.
We're not switching. Dr. Reed!
Yes, Tamra. I'm back
working for you again, okay?
Wonderful. Sorry
for any confusion.
How about an extra hour at
lunch for your troubles? Tight.
Morning, guys.
Hey, Dr. L! How'd
Leo's big day go?
It was amazing. Guys, I
think my son is a celebrity.
This morning, he
trashed his crib.
Hey, Jeremy, thank you
so much for your help.
It was an honor to introduce a
fellow thespian to his instrument.
Hmm. BEVERLY: I can act, too.
"I like my job." See?
Okay, well. Guys,
his episode airs today.
So we are having
a viewing party.
Colette, you're
gonna take care of it.
We're gonna need hot-eats,
cool-treats, cocktails, mocktails,
and the show takes
place in Arizona, so...
Arizona theme? So,
like, John McCain?
I don't wanna be
involved in the process.
Just read my mind the
way that Morgan would've.
Old people. Pool noodles?
Meth? Wh... what?
Quietly.
Hi.
What up, Coach!
How's recruiting?
Well, I met a great left tackle.
Now I just gotta keep him
from joining the marching band.
How's it going with you?
Well, Leo and I are
hosting a little viewing party
for his episode at
work. You should come.
Colette's making a baked brie.
- What?
Well, I got an early
morning meeting tomorrow.
I got this campus
group trying to push us
to make our fight
song less aggressive.
How about a rain check?
Oh. Okay. Yeah, sure.
Just please try to
catch his episode.
Oh, of course! You kidding me?
He's already my favorite
soap star with zero competition.
Bye.
All right, come in!
Hey! What do you think?
Finally got all
the decorations up
and I got the baked
brie right on the third try.
I love it. I don't want
the baked brie anymore.
I think it's just gonna
be really heavy.
And I thought we could do
like a Mediterranean platter.
A little baba ghanoush,
fattoush, flatbread.
You can put that on my desk,
though. I'll eat it for dinner.
I can't do this anymore!
You don't need a
nurse. You need a wife.
I had a wife! And his
name was Morgan.
He was a freaking angel and
he got taken away from me.
And if you don't like this, why
don't you go work with Jody again?
What's the big
whoop? Courtney's fine.
And she's definitely a step up
from the other women
he was sleeping with.
College skanks, tequila
reps, his sister-in-law.
What?
Oh, my God. You
knew about that, right?
Oh. That Jody had an
affair with Anne-Marie,
our brother's wife?
I knew that. I knew
the hell out of that.
Oh, thank God.
Uh, just gonna go see
about those appetizers.
Thank you. COLETTE: Uh-huh.
Oh, and I want mini quiches. But, like, the big kind.
- Can't hear you.
Hey, you busy?
Well, if it isn't Colette, here
to beg me for her job back.
Excuse me while I
make myself comfortable.
You know how I said there
was no other person in the world
who was worse for you
to date than Courtney?
Yes. So does Courtney.
You said it in front of her.
Well, I was wrong. Ah, Colette.
I knew you'd come around.
I was wrong
because sleeping with
our brother's wife is worse!
Way worse!
Okay, okay. Everybody, be quiet.
It's time for Leo's scene.
Are you as nervous as I am? I
can barely keep down my scone.
Where are Jody and Colette?
Oh, they're not coming.
I've arranged for them
to have a little visitor.
It's time you learned the truth.
I haven't been taking
Desmond, Jr. to the tanning salon.
He is not your son!
Wait a second, that isn't Leo.
Now, that's a baby.
I can't believe they
used the other kid.
Shh! Some of us are
still trying to watch.
Who's gonna run
Santangelo Industries?
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Colette, there is a perfectly
reasonable explanation for this.
Our brother was away in Iraq.
Anne-Marie was very
lonely. I was very aroused.
Stop!
No! Morgan, not now!
Then I guess I'll just go
back to Kimball's Hollow.
Forbes?
Hello, siblings.
You wanna tell me what
all this fighting's about?
Jeremy was right to call me,
this is worse than I thought.
But, Colette, I think
you're in the wrong.
Why shouldn't Jody
have a girlfriend?
He's been so good to both of us.
He took such good care of my
Anne-Marie while I was away in Iraq.
Oh, he took care
of her real good.
Thank you for repeating
my point for clarity, Colette,
but you're acting like a brat.
Oh, now, Forbes, I think
that might be a little harsh.
No, you're too soft on
her 'cause she's the baby.
Mother let her get away
with just about anything,
including dressing up like
Shaft during Halloween.
Well, but she won a
prize at the church party.
"Can you dig it?"
Remember? FORBES: No.
Now, Colette, I won't let you
treat your brother this way.
There are worse
ways to treat a brother.
Colette, you're
acting very strange.
What are you trying to say?
I'm not saying anything.
Colette! Nothing!
Jody, what has gotten into her?
Kimball-Kinney women
don't go insane until their 40s.
I can't believe you gave
a note to the head writer!
I don't get it. Who wouldn't
want friendly criticism
from someone outside
of their profession?
Writers are sensitive
creatures, Mindy.
But my friend Kathy, the other
mom, said that it was a good idea.
"Friend"?
What was number nine in
my rules of stage mommery?
10-1 is pee, 10-2 is poo.
That was eight. What
was number nine?
Stage mothers don't have
friends, they just have enemies...
They haven't stabbed
in the back yet.
That bitch set me up!
Jeremy, I need a vendetta day.
Where are my brass knuckles?
No, no, no, no,
no. No. Leave it.
Okay, you're clearly
not cut out for this.
I don't know, maybe Leo can get
into something less challenging.
So much for dreaming big.
Guess he'll just have to
be a stupid doctor like us.
Jody, I know you're
upset but she'll be fine.
She'll go to her CrossFit gym
and she'll push a couple
of truck tires around.
Yes, I suppose so. Jody,
I also wanna thank you.
For the good care you took of my
Anne-Marie while I was overseas.
There's no need for that. It
was... It was my pleasure.
Not my pleasure. It was my duty.
I knew that no matter what
my Anne-Marie needed,
you were there to
give it to her good.
Oh! All right.
Forbes...
Geez. There's
something I gotta tell ya.
Something you're not gonna like.
While you were away,
Anne-Marie and I...
What are you saying, Jody?
It's, uh, Leviticus 20:21.
You lay with your
brother's wife?
Yes. Can you ever forgive me?
Oh, no.
It's between you
and the Lord, Jody.
Thank you so much. I...
I think you're gonna wanna
get a new island in the kitchen
because it has
been tainted, and...
Dang, you look worse than when
Daddy tried to put me in my Easter dress.
Is there someplace
private we could talk?
Yeah, come on in. Thank you.
Sleeping with Anne-Marie
is the worst thing I ever did.
And I once shot
and ate a bald eagle.
Courtney's an adult. She's not
on her parent's cell phone plan.
She's got her own printer. I
just wish you weren't so jealous.
I am not jealous of her.
And I am jealous
of a ton of stuff.
Beverly's knife,
Dr. Lahiri's massive hands.
Well, then what's the problem?
You deserve more
than just a normal girl.
You deserve someone awesome
like Jessica Rabbit
or Brandi Chastain.
Oh... I do not deserve
anyone like that.
Hey, guys, I enjoyed listening
to this when it was juicy
but now it's just sad
and boring, okay?
Why are you even in bed at 8:00?
'Cause I don't have
plans tonight, okay?
And I'll thank you
not for bringing it up.
Ah, I tell you what, we
found this great kid today.
Boy, he'd be a
great running back.
Wants to be a rabbi.
But I think we can flip him.
Hey, what's wrong? You're
barely eating my food.
Oh, uh, I'm so sorry.
I'm still thinking about
Tides of Tomorrow.
Oh, yes. Hey, Leo was so good.
What? Yeah, so talented.
I, uh, I get it, you know?
I... I understand why you're
trying to get him into the business.
Drew, Leo wasn't on the
show. They used another kid.
Are you sure? I think
it may have been him.
You think I can't
recognize my son?
Yes, I took home that Greek
boy from daycare one time.
But they have the same olive
complexion. It was confusing.
How could you not
watch? I'm sorry.
I was working out and
I forgot. It was leg day.
Look, I don't wanna make a big deal
about this, but how could you forget?
You know how important
it was to the two of us.
And I don't wanna bring this up,
but I felt like the other night
you didn't wanna come
over because Leo was here.
What? That is
absolutely not true.
I put my time in with
Leo over the weekend.
And I figured, you know,
I'd like to have a little time
to focus on the two of us.
Drew, I like you a lot,
but I can't be in a
relationship with a guy
who thinks he's "putting
in his time" with my son.
He's the most important
person in my life,
and I wanna be with someone
who's as excited about him as I am.
Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
Hi, Mindy.
Go away. I'm very humiliated.
I broke up with my boyfriend and
my son will never win a Golden Globe.
I don't wanna talk
to anyone right now.
All right.
Oh, my God. What
happened to you?
Oh, no. Did you ask
Tamra about her hair?
You're not supposed to ask
black women about their hair.
No. It's just a little tiff.
But I just wanted to tell you
that I saw Tides of Tomorrow
and I was very disappointed
not to see little Leo in it.
You watched it?
I watched it on my
home computer.
I must say, it was very difficult
to navigate the network website.
I had to register. I saw the same
Lipitor commercial three times.
Yeah. And then, to top it off,
I see they've cast some kid
without an ounce of Leo's star power.
I know, right?
Thank you for saying that.
Well, it's nothing
but the truth.
These Hollywood phonies
don't know anything about acting.
I think little Leo
should stick with it.
He's... He's a special boy.
And, uh, I think he might...