The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 26 - Episode #4.26 - full transcript
Okay.
Mindy?
Mindy, I'm getting married.
Let me try that again.
Someone likes me.
And, uh, so I'm
gonna get hitched.
Dan the Man is... No, I'm not
gonna do the "Dan the Man".
It's stupid. I just thought
that Dan the Man is...
I got it.
Mindy, this here is, uh...
A wedding invitation for you.
So stupid.
I'm cool. Pull yourself
together. I'm good.
You good?
We'll just wing it.
All right, let's do it.
Hey!
Hey. MINDY: Hi, sweetie!
You're 10 minutes early,
which is late for you.
Is everything okay? Yeah, I just
wanted to talk to you about something.
Okay. Wait, you don't need money,
do you? Now is not a good time.
I fell asleep on my keyboard.
I bought everything on iTunes.
No, it's not that. It is
pretty serious though.
Okay. I need to tell
you that I'm getting...
I'm... I'm getting...
You can tell me.
I'm getting fed
up with this mess.
This... This mess.
All over your apartment.
It's your clothes strewn...
Look at this.
I'm standing on a brassiere.
I mean, come on. I don't
like it. I don't like it for Leo.
I know. It's a disaster.
You're right.
I am?
Yeah. I want to blame it
on how much I'm working.
But, you know what?
We have the same job
and your toilet is cleaner
than my whole kitchen.
Last night at bedtime, I was
looking for one of Leo's books,
couldn't find it.
So I just read him
the nutrition facts
on the back of some Bagel Bites.
Bagel Bites? Can
you believe that?
No, no, no. Don't. No.
Don't... Don't get worked up.
Your blood pressure's real bad.
I'm an unfit mother!
No, it's not that bad.
Look, I think this
could be good for him.
Good for his immune system.
He doesn't need
to go to the park
and roll around in the dirt.
He'll do it right here. Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Everything's good. Forget
I said anything, all right?
I gotta go. I got a meeting.
Good talk. Great talking.
I'm, uh... I'm gonna go.
Okay? All right.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, you guys. - Yeah.
We're gonna have so much
fun this weekend in Miami.
I can't wait to get down
with some Cuban guy
and just feel that gold crucifix
just banging me on the chin.
Yes. Ooh, that
was vivid. I like that.
Yeah. MINDY: Ugh, and I need
to get away from Jody.
He just keeps leaving me
these annoying apology gifts.
Yesterday he left me this.
Oh. The note says...
"If it will help you forgive me,
"you can shoot me in the
leg." CHELSEA: All right.
Um... Guys, the worst part is.
I kind of liked him, you
know? Okay, all right.
I thought that maybe we
would actually have something.
All right. What?
I think maybe we
just put the gun down
when we tell the story. Yeah.
Just in... It's not
loaded. Oh, it is loaded.
It's loaded. WHITNEY:
Mindy, just forget Jody.
And by this time tomorrow,
we're gonna have like
10 gallons of mojitos in us.
Ooh-la-la. CHELSEA: Yeah.
Hey, you're sober though, right?
So you shouldn't be drinking.
I'm sober, but from drugs. Mmm.
Which means I have to
drink twice as much now.
I get that. I didn't know that.
Yeah. Mindy?
Ugh.
Oh. I didn't realize
you had company.
Um, would you mind giving us
a moment, please?
Stay away, Mr. Chlamydia!
Yeah, I don't want to get
Chlamydia until I am in Miami.
I don't have chlamydia anymore.
That's part of what I
wanted to tell you, Mindy.
If you just give me 30
minutes of your time,
I'd like to make
a formal apology.
"Mindy, when in the
course of romantic events..."
Hey, man. I ain't got no time
for no 30-minute apology speech.
Maybe when I come
back in a couple of days
and I'm tanned, braided, and
I'm engaged to Ricky Martin.
Yeah. Or his husband.
Yeah! That's right.
Up here. That's what's up.
Tamra, we've
discussed the dress code.
What? I'm wearing scrubs.
Yeah, but you cut the belly off.
Now you're 20% nude.
Don't you think that
I would love to cut
the arms off my
lab coat, and create
a trendy knee-length vest?
Of course I would! But I don't.
Because we must hide
our true selves at work.
Oh, my God. The fire alarm!
Tamra, stay calm!
Everybody, stay
calm! I've got this!
Volunteer firefighter
to the rescue!
Ah! Oh, God!
Okay, people!
We need a safety meeting.
What we have is a
classic contact fire.
This garment rack
came in contact
with this hot pipe.
So in layman's terms...
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Oh, God, my beautiful clothes!
I was saving that dress
for the funeral of an enemy.
That's who did this. Kelly Ripa!
No, no. no, no, no,
no. Kelly Ripa did it.
Mindy, you can't be
leaving your personal rubbish
at work anymore.
It's becoming hazardous.
My closet is now a
nursery for my son.
So I have no place
to keep my clothes.
Leave your possessions at home.
My apartment is bursting
with Lady Di memorabilia,
you see me waltzing
around here in a tiara?
No. Oh! Sorry.
Oh, God. Okay, fine.
I'll figure something out.
Okay. It's gonna be
okay. It's gonna be okay.
Can I keep the
burned clothes, Dr. L?
No, they're too nice for you.
Fine. But can I cut off
my scrubs top like Tamra?
Fashion is going
to destroy this office.
Hey, Doctor L,
Leo's preschool
just called for you.
It sounded pretty important.
Bleecker Friends Quaker
School for Pre-Toddlers?
He got suspended.
Or he's wearing suspenders.
I didn't write it down because
my memory's so good.
You know what?
He's so hot he probably hooked
up with one of the teachers.
Excuse me.
Ah, Morgan, I need you
to do me a small favor.
Yeah, I'll do jury duty for ya.
Let me go get my wig.
No, nothing like that.
I'd like to borrow the
key to Mindy's apartment.
I want to leave her a surprise
while she's away in Miami.
No way, bub. Oh!
She almost took the key away
when I hosted a small
dog wedding there.
A gay dog wedding. Look at that.
Uh-huh. Well, I would like
to build her a walk-in closet.
Yeah, well, she needs one.
She's been keeping all
of her accessories in here.
I mean, Brian looks
like frickin' Jack Sparrow.
So you'll help me then, Morgan?
Yeah. All right, I'll do it. Ah!
But if she gets mad...
I'm gonna take the fall
for you, 'cause I love ya.
Thank you. Ow.
Come on, let's go.
I was... I was gonna
give you five and it...
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Dr. Lahiri, Dr. Castellano.
Your son has been suspended
for a violent outburst
on the playground.
Leo bit some girl on the arm.
Oh, no. That's not possible.
Our son is a sweet little angel.
I mean, he's even friends with
that little nerdy kid with glasses.
Even though I
told him not to be.
Here's a photo of the victim.
Okay, well.
Oh, God, that's bad. Put
it back. Oh, my God. Okay.
Okay, couple of things.
She's wearing a cupcake onesie.
She looks delicious. I
mean, I would've bitten her.
It brought me no joy to
put your son in baby cuffs
and hand him to your nanny.
But we take violence very
seriously at this school.
It goes against everything
our Quaker founder,
Brother Jub Smith,
stood for, or sat for.
He donated his own legs
to a man who had none.
In fact, this building
is the location of Manhattan's
first electric elevator.
Hey, man. I gotta
catch a flight to Miami.
So if you could maybe tell
us this sad-ass elevator story
another time, that
would be great.
Okay, well, look. Can we possibly
just discipline Leo at home?
Like no Dora for a week?
Which would be hard for me, too.
I mean, that's a very cute show.
When a child lashes out, it's a
sign that there is trouble at home.
Not in this case. Well,
it might be in this case.
The little guy's been
going through a lot.
His mom's got a very
hectic work schedule.
Ex-squeeze me? We
have the same job.
If anything, I think
my son's biting
because he inherited an
anger problem from his father.
What? What am I angry about?
I don't know. Your mom,
your dad, me leaving you,
your guilt-based religion,
doping in baseball,
Mayor de Blasio. All these teens
just smoking dope
right out in public?
I never saw that
under Giuliani, did you?
Look, Leo's mom and I
were together for a while...
And I gotta tell
you, she's the biter.
How dare you?
I bit you in confidence,
and you loved it.
You begged for it.
Oh, and you don't bite? Why
don't you tell it to my nipples?
I'm not gonna
talk to your nip...
Why are we talking about
your nipples right now?
I'll tell you something. We don't
have the same job, Mindy, okay?
I do one job. You do 18 jobs.
That's right. I forgot.
Because this is Afghanistan and a
woman is not permitted to have ambition.
Right, it's Afghanistan. I'm
just a human frickin' pacifier.
Mindy's in Florida, so we
have the whole weekend.
Now the first thing
we're gonna do
is get rid of this stupid
spiral-stair bookcase thing
and then we're gonna put
a walk-in closet right here.
We can do that in a
weekend. Right, Colette?
I guess.
I kinda had other plans
than to spend my weekend
building my older brother's
non-girlfriend an
apology closet.
Shame on you.
Dr. L will be coming
back from vacation.
And if she doesn't have
a gift waiting for her,
she could have the
post-vacation blues.
Hey, come on
now, it'll be a snap.
How long can it take
to wall off one room?
It only took Father one night
to board Mother up in the attic.
This whole thing
seems a little weird.
Well, if people were always
worried about what seemed weird,
we'd never know how delicious
pigs' feet were, would we? Okay.
Morgan, why don't you start by unscrewing
the staircase from the ceiling, please?
You got it, boss. Hey, I
got a little bit of vertigo
from both sides of the family.
But I think it's gonna be okay.
Yeah. Lefty-loosey.
All right. You're doing
excellent work up there, Morgan.
Oh, thank you for the
encouragement, Dr. K
Are you okay? Oh.
Oh, why'd I look down? Uh-oh.
Oh, God!
Morgan! Morgan!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I think the vertigo's gone.
Oh, dear.
Why would you think it was a
good idea to talk about our sex life
at a Quaker school?
Because sex sells.
Why did you think it was
a good idea to bribe him?
$15 is a lot for a teacher.
It could've swayed him.
Okay, Danny, this is the principal
at our son's school, all right?
This isn't a maitre d' at
Anthony's Crab Shack or whatever.
What did you want me to do?
The only other
thing I had was a 50.
Would it have killed
you to dress up?
You had to wear jeans to
this very important meeting?
I ironed these jeans.
Sorry, I didn't know we were
gonna flirt our way out of this.
You know what,
don't cute-shame me.
My sexuality has
gotten us a lot,
like those extra cable channels.
What happened?
We just... We stopped.
Danny? Hey,
don't worry about it.
I'm from New York. I got this.
Okay.
That was your plan?
To press "One"?
That usually works.
That did nothing.
I could've come up with
that trick. Okay, okay.
Oh, God. No, shh.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Just take... Take it easy.
This is my fault. I'm
well over the weight limit.
Every Saturday morning when I
told you I was going to spin class?
I was in line for cronuts.
They're just so cakey. And
now I weigh 4,000 pounds.
No. You're hyperventilating.
I'm freaking out!
Hello? Hello?
If you Quaker sons of bitches
don't drop your
goddamn oats, I'm...
Okay, stop. Stop screaming.
It's a school on a Friday
night, no one's here.
I'm gonna miss my flight, okay?
No reception. I can't even
call Chelsea and Whitney
and tell them I'm gonna
miss our sex vacation.
Do you know how many
wet t-shirts I packed?
No, no. I don't want to
hear the mother of my child
is going on a sexy trip.
That's TM information.
Danny, you know I'm
a very sexual person.
If I can't be myself then
I'm just not gonna talk.
I'd prefer that.
Well, me too. In
fact, this is good.
I can catch up on my thoughts.
How does this work?
Do I just picture
something with my mind?
Oh, uh, we're...
We're fine, we're fine.
I think that's an
unoccupied unit up there.
That's Old Man
Horowitz's. He's the worst.
He always bangs on
the floor when Leo cries.
What's going on?
Why is there a hole in my floor?
Okay, we have to make
it look like a burglary.
That's what this is.
What? Morgan, I don't
think that's gonna help.
It works. Trust me.
What are you doing?
Uh. HOROWITZ: What was that?
Sounds like someone
is faking a burglary.
Uh-huh! Oh, man!
I don't want to go to jail.
No one is gonna go to jail.
I will go upstairs and I
will smooth things over.
I'm gonna go with you
and I'm gonna disarm him
with my comedy. God!
I left my whoopee
cushion at home.
You know what, when
I sit down on the couch,
go like this.
Mmm...
I'll go alone.
Hey, man. I gotta talk!
Words are just
building up inside of me.
And they're gonna come out
somehow, probably in a burp.
Fine, talk about something.
Thank, God.
You know, the reason I
was excited to go to Miami,
is that I needed some
space from this guy that I...
No, I don't want
to hear about that.
Guys don't like that. When
they break up with a girl,
they want to think
she closes up shop.
Why? I wouldn't mind hearing
about who you're dating.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
Actually, now you
have to tell me.
I really want to hear.
Uh...
Come on.
You sure?
Yeah, what else are we gonna do?
I mean there wasn't really,
you know, anything at first.
Because I was mainly focused
on putting my life back together
after the destruction
you left in your wake.
Okay, guilt trip accepted.
What happened after that?
Okay, if it's stories you want.
There was this
one girl. Mmm-hmm.
Maxine.
She was cute, and she
loved dark, leafy greens
as much as I did.
We seemed like a real match,
but then I looked her up online
and I found out that her
ex-husband was dead.
So what? I tell people
you're dead all the time.
No. This guy was poisoned.
Killer never found.
Oh, my God. DANNY: Yeah.
So then I just
kept telling myself,
I said, "This is not an issue.
Don't be paranoid, Dan."
But then she gives
me this soup...
And I look down and
it's got white flecks in it.
She said it was parmesan,
but I know parmesan,
so I came up with
a brilliant excuse.
I gotta wizz.
Go to the bathroom.
Left out the fire escape.
Check this out. A month
later, I see her, right?
She's on a date with another guy
who looks exactly like
me, except he's pale.
Sickly. Like maybe he's been...
Murdered. He was a ghost.
No. No. Poisoned.
Bingo. That was a great story.
Oh, thanks. Okay,
tell me another.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
What's taking your
brother so long upstairs?
Maybe Mr. Horowitz has a
daughter and Jody's sleeping with her.
That happened every
time I lost a Frisbee
in a neighbor's yard
and he'd "go get it."
If I had a Frisbee, I could
also use it as a dinner plate.
Life hack.
Do you think there
will ever be a time
when Dr. L forgives my brother?
Honestly, probably
not. She's very mean.
Also, don't tell anyone this
but there's been a
lot of sexual tension
between me and her lately
and I think people want
to see how it plays out.
I don't think they are,
though. I've returned.
Finally.
Well, the owner of the apartment
upstairs is no longer upset
about the hole in his floor.
Yes. Oh.
Because...
Well, I am the new
owner of the apartment.
I bought it for Mindy.
What?
There was another girl that
was perfect for me in every way.
Yeah. I know this one. Me. Next.
No, not you. Another girl.
Gianna. Italian,
liked the Yankees.
Loved to exercise.
I mean, just loved it.
Okay, you know what?
That feels pointed.
And I'll have you know I
went running yesterday.
Really? Yeah. My coat
got caught in the bus.
And that bitch bus driver
wouldn't stop for four blocks.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Oh, wow. So Gianna's
not the only athlete.
Okay. One morning after she
leaves, I'm on my laptop computer.
She changed my
desktop screensaver
from a picture of
Leo to a picture of her.
Oh, my God! Ho did
what? I know, right?
I'm assuming you had one
of your Staten Island friends
take care of her. Nah, nah, nah.
We just did it a couple more
times and then we broke up.
I gotta tell ya, Danny.
That story made
me feel offended,
outraged and vengeful,
which are my three emotions.
It wasn't that great.
I'll tell you what's great.
These candy straws. No, duh.
I've only been telling
you for seven years.
What about you?
Your turn. Now you
tell me something.
No. No. I'm not
much of a talker.
I'm... I'm more of like
a shy, pretty nun, so...
Yeah. Shy, pretty nun.
I do have one story.
It's about you.
Do you remember
when I told you that
I didn't want to see you
outside of handing off Leo?
Yeah. Yeah, that
hurt my feelings.
Well, it was only because I was worried
that I would get too attached to you.
And I was right.
Because, one time, I was
coming out of getting a bikini wax
when I saw you on the street.
You were coming out of
that gay protein powder store
on Christopher Street.
Oh, yeah, I get faster
customer service there.
The boys all know me by name.
And for whatever reason,
I decided to follow you.
What a nice guy.
Really? You tailed
me? What was I doing?
Mostly boring stuff.
I mean you bought a toy for Leo,
you yelled at two skateboarders.
What the hell is...
Guys, come on!
You picked a wedgie.
Hold on a second. Okay.
But it was so fun watching you
when you didn't think
anyone was looking
and it made me
remember why I loved you.
That's my story. Was it good?
Yeah. It was, uh...
It was really good.
It was a little linear.
Yeah. But, but I liked it.
Did it make me seem crazy?
A little bit.
But that's good.
I actually have a
story about you.
You remember at Shulman's
when I ran into
you in the elevator?
Oh, yeah. That was so weird.
I thought you were so senile, you just
wandered in to your old workplace, so...
No, um, Jody, he, uh... He
sent you a letter, a romantic one.
And it accidentally
ended up in my apartment.
And so I came to his office
and told him to back off.
Oh, my God.
Jody sent me a letter? Yeah.
But it wasn't good.
It was like a lot
of scratch-outs,
it was on loose-leaf,
you don't need that.
Did anything happen
between you guys?
I thought you didn't want
to know about my love life.
I'm asking you a question.
No.
We're not a good match.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I agree.
I just don't see
it. He's too old.
You don't share a
frame of reference.
Really? Because you're
like a million years old.
You're basically
black and white.
Eh, I'm younger than him.
What about you?
Did anything ever get serious
with the girls you were dating?
Hi. I'm Sarah.
Danny?
Danny, what are
you thinking about?
Wait, I'm sorry.
You bought her an apartment
and you made me
chip in for the pizza?
Well, you're the one
who wanted extra cheese.
I just wanted to apologize
for what I did to her,
and this seemed
like the best way.
You slept with
our brother's wife
and all you gave him was
an Edible Arrangement.
It might seem
a little irrational.
I've just never felt so bad
about my behavior before.
We're talking about
Dr. L, right? Yes.
Who is old, who has a kid,
very ethnic, isn't
quiet, isn't Southern,
isn't anything you've
ever liked before.
Yeah.
Okay. I'm on board.
Really?
You think it's a good idea?
I don't know. But it's better
than any of the other ideas
you've ever had.
I don't know. I'm still
on the fence. I... I...
Okay, we've got work to do.
Sure. Yeah, okay. Let's go.
What do you think this means?
I don't know.
But it was really nice.
Really? I hated it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You hated it? It was...
Blah.
JK. JK.
Ah, finally!
What time is it?
No, we're fine. We'll just pick
these wrappers up, all right?
- Oh. Good morning, sir.
- Oh, good morning, sir.
It only took you an
eternity to find us.
Luckily, I had this hot
man to have sex with.
Stop. Thank you, sir.
Thank you for
helping us out here.
Look, you might want to
watch out for that coffee cup,
we've been in here for a while.
Hey, Danny? Yeah?
I love you.
I love you, too.
Well, hello! Oh, my God!
Whoa. Oh. Oh, my God.
Jody?
What are you doing here?
Hey!
Where's my artsy staircase?
I bought that from a
gay man's estate sale!
No, it was junk,
and I threw it away.
But don't worry, I replaced
it with something better.
Is that Narnia? I don't
want to go. It's for nerds.
Seal it up! Come
with me. Come on.
It's okay.
Oh, my God. We
should not be up here.
This is where Old
Man Horowitz lives.
He's so mean.
He always screams at me when
I laugh too loud at Family Guy.
He won't yell at you
anymore. He's dead?
Thank God. No, please, shut up.
He won't be yelling at you
because he's moving out.
All right, now, close your eyes.
What? No. Yeah, just...
Please, just close your
eyes. I don't want to.
For a minute, for me? Okay.
Just pretend.
Okay.
Imagine, Mindy, if this
whole place was yours.
You had all the space
in the world for little Leo.
Oh, my God.
You could turn
this into the room
every little boy's
overbearing mom dreams of.
Whoa.
For as long as I've
known you, Mindy,
I've seen you put the needs
of others before yourself.
Really? No one's ever said that.
Your boy deserves more
than to sleep in a closet.
And up here, he'll have all the room
he needs to play and do his homework.
And space to shoot his videos
when he becomes a Vine star.
Sure.
And he'll know his
mother's right downstairs
if he needs her, where she'll
have a special place of her own.
A walk-in meat locker?
No! With Leo upstairs,
your closet can go back to what
it does best, holding your junk.
Oh, my sweet, sweet junk.
Because it's time someone
takes care of you for a change.
Whoa. Can you
picture that, Mindy?
Jody, what have you done?
I can't afford this place. I need
to be saving up for my retirement.
There is no way that
Leo's gonna support me
when I'm old. His bitch
wife is gonna hate me!
No, no, no, I bought it for you.
Oh, don't... Don't
look at me like that.
It's... It's a
normal thing to do,
if you're, you know, you
want to apologize to someone.
Is it?
I've done it before for
someone I might possibly,
against my better
judgment... Be in love with.
Holy shit.
Mindy?
Mindy, I'm getting married.
Let me try that again.
Someone likes me.
And, uh, so I'm
gonna get hitched.
Dan the Man is... No, I'm not
gonna do the "Dan the Man".
It's stupid. I just thought
that Dan the Man is...
I got it.
Mindy, this here is, uh...
A wedding invitation for you.
So stupid.
I'm cool. Pull yourself
together. I'm good.
You good?
We'll just wing it.
All right, let's do it.
Hey!
Hey. MINDY: Hi, sweetie!
You're 10 minutes early,
which is late for you.
Is everything okay? Yeah, I just
wanted to talk to you about something.
Okay. Wait, you don't need money,
do you? Now is not a good time.
I fell asleep on my keyboard.
I bought everything on iTunes.
No, it's not that. It is
pretty serious though.
Okay. I need to tell
you that I'm getting...
I'm... I'm getting...
You can tell me.
I'm getting fed
up with this mess.
This... This mess.
All over your apartment.
It's your clothes strewn...
Look at this.
I'm standing on a brassiere.
I mean, come on. I don't
like it. I don't like it for Leo.
I know. It's a disaster.
You're right.
I am?
Yeah. I want to blame it
on how much I'm working.
But, you know what?
We have the same job
and your toilet is cleaner
than my whole kitchen.
Last night at bedtime, I was
looking for one of Leo's books,
couldn't find it.
So I just read him
the nutrition facts
on the back of some Bagel Bites.
Bagel Bites? Can
you believe that?
No, no, no. Don't. No.
Don't... Don't get worked up.
Your blood pressure's real bad.
I'm an unfit mother!
No, it's not that bad.
Look, I think this
could be good for him.
Good for his immune system.
He doesn't need
to go to the park
and roll around in the dirt.
He'll do it right here. Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Everything's good. Forget
I said anything, all right?
I gotta go. I got a meeting.
Good talk. Great talking.
I'm, uh... I'm gonna go.
Okay? All right.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, you guys. - Yeah.
We're gonna have so much
fun this weekend in Miami.
I can't wait to get down
with some Cuban guy
and just feel that gold crucifix
just banging me on the chin.
Yes. Ooh, that
was vivid. I like that.
Yeah. MINDY: Ugh, and I need
to get away from Jody.
He just keeps leaving me
these annoying apology gifts.
Yesterday he left me this.
Oh. The note says...
"If it will help you forgive me,
"you can shoot me in the
leg." CHELSEA: All right.
Um... Guys, the worst part is.
I kind of liked him, you
know? Okay, all right.
I thought that maybe we
would actually have something.
All right. What?
I think maybe we
just put the gun down
when we tell the story. Yeah.
Just in... It's not
loaded. Oh, it is loaded.
It's loaded. WHITNEY:
Mindy, just forget Jody.
And by this time tomorrow,
we're gonna have like
10 gallons of mojitos in us.
Ooh-la-la. CHELSEA: Yeah.
Hey, you're sober though, right?
So you shouldn't be drinking.
I'm sober, but from drugs. Mmm.
Which means I have to
drink twice as much now.
I get that. I didn't know that.
Yeah. Mindy?
Ugh.
Oh. I didn't realize
you had company.
Um, would you mind giving us
a moment, please?
Stay away, Mr. Chlamydia!
Yeah, I don't want to get
Chlamydia until I am in Miami.
I don't have chlamydia anymore.
That's part of what I
wanted to tell you, Mindy.
If you just give me 30
minutes of your time,
I'd like to make
a formal apology.
"Mindy, when in the
course of romantic events..."
Hey, man. I ain't got no time
for no 30-minute apology speech.
Maybe when I come
back in a couple of days
and I'm tanned, braided, and
I'm engaged to Ricky Martin.
Yeah. Or his husband.
Yeah! That's right.
Up here. That's what's up.
Tamra, we've
discussed the dress code.
What? I'm wearing scrubs.
Yeah, but you cut the belly off.
Now you're 20% nude.
Don't you think that
I would love to cut
the arms off my
lab coat, and create
a trendy knee-length vest?
Of course I would! But I don't.
Because we must hide
our true selves at work.
Oh, my God. The fire alarm!
Tamra, stay calm!
Everybody, stay
calm! I've got this!
Volunteer firefighter
to the rescue!
Ah! Oh, God!
Okay, people!
We need a safety meeting.
What we have is a
classic contact fire.
This garment rack
came in contact
with this hot pipe.
So in layman's terms...
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Oh, God, my beautiful clothes!
I was saving that dress
for the funeral of an enemy.
That's who did this. Kelly Ripa!
No, no. no, no, no,
no. Kelly Ripa did it.
Mindy, you can't be
leaving your personal rubbish
at work anymore.
It's becoming hazardous.
My closet is now a
nursery for my son.
So I have no place
to keep my clothes.
Leave your possessions at home.
My apartment is bursting
with Lady Di memorabilia,
you see me waltzing
around here in a tiara?
No. Oh! Sorry.
Oh, God. Okay, fine.
I'll figure something out.
Okay. It's gonna be
okay. It's gonna be okay.
Can I keep the
burned clothes, Dr. L?
No, they're too nice for you.
Fine. But can I cut off
my scrubs top like Tamra?
Fashion is going
to destroy this office.
Hey, Doctor L,
Leo's preschool
just called for you.
It sounded pretty important.
Bleecker Friends Quaker
School for Pre-Toddlers?
He got suspended.
Or he's wearing suspenders.
I didn't write it down because
my memory's so good.
You know what?
He's so hot he probably hooked
up with one of the teachers.
Excuse me.
Ah, Morgan, I need you
to do me a small favor.
Yeah, I'll do jury duty for ya.
Let me go get my wig.
No, nothing like that.
I'd like to borrow the
key to Mindy's apartment.
I want to leave her a surprise
while she's away in Miami.
No way, bub. Oh!
She almost took the key away
when I hosted a small
dog wedding there.
A gay dog wedding. Look at that.
Uh-huh. Well, I would like
to build her a walk-in closet.
Yeah, well, she needs one.
She's been keeping all
of her accessories in here.
I mean, Brian looks
like frickin' Jack Sparrow.
So you'll help me then, Morgan?
Yeah. All right, I'll do it. Ah!
But if she gets mad...
I'm gonna take the fall
for you, 'cause I love ya.
Thank you. Ow.
Come on, let's go.
I was... I was gonna
give you five and it...
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Dr. Lahiri, Dr. Castellano.
Your son has been suspended
for a violent outburst
on the playground.
Leo bit some girl on the arm.
Oh, no. That's not possible.
Our son is a sweet little angel.
I mean, he's even friends with
that little nerdy kid with glasses.
Even though I
told him not to be.
Here's a photo of the victim.
Okay, well.
Oh, God, that's bad. Put
it back. Oh, my God. Okay.
Okay, couple of things.
She's wearing a cupcake onesie.
She looks delicious. I
mean, I would've bitten her.
It brought me no joy to
put your son in baby cuffs
and hand him to your nanny.
But we take violence very
seriously at this school.
It goes against everything
our Quaker founder,
Brother Jub Smith,
stood for, or sat for.
He donated his own legs
to a man who had none.
In fact, this building
is the location of Manhattan's
first electric elevator.
Hey, man. I gotta
catch a flight to Miami.
So if you could maybe tell
us this sad-ass elevator story
another time, that
would be great.
Okay, well, look. Can we possibly
just discipline Leo at home?
Like no Dora for a week?
Which would be hard for me, too.
I mean, that's a very cute show.
When a child lashes out, it's a
sign that there is trouble at home.
Not in this case. Well,
it might be in this case.
The little guy's been
going through a lot.
His mom's got a very
hectic work schedule.
Ex-squeeze me? We
have the same job.
If anything, I think
my son's biting
because he inherited an
anger problem from his father.
What? What am I angry about?
I don't know. Your mom,
your dad, me leaving you,
your guilt-based religion,
doping in baseball,
Mayor de Blasio. All these teens
just smoking dope
right out in public?
I never saw that
under Giuliani, did you?
Look, Leo's mom and I
were together for a while...
And I gotta tell
you, she's the biter.
How dare you?
I bit you in confidence,
and you loved it.
You begged for it.
Oh, and you don't bite? Why
don't you tell it to my nipples?
I'm not gonna
talk to your nip...
Why are we talking about
your nipples right now?
I'll tell you something. We don't
have the same job, Mindy, okay?
I do one job. You do 18 jobs.
That's right. I forgot.
Because this is Afghanistan and a
woman is not permitted to have ambition.
Right, it's Afghanistan. I'm
just a human frickin' pacifier.
Mindy's in Florida, so we
have the whole weekend.
Now the first thing
we're gonna do
is get rid of this stupid
spiral-stair bookcase thing
and then we're gonna put
a walk-in closet right here.
We can do that in a
weekend. Right, Colette?
I guess.
I kinda had other plans
than to spend my weekend
building my older brother's
non-girlfriend an
apology closet.
Shame on you.
Dr. L will be coming
back from vacation.
And if she doesn't have
a gift waiting for her,
she could have the
post-vacation blues.
Hey, come on
now, it'll be a snap.
How long can it take
to wall off one room?
It only took Father one night
to board Mother up in the attic.
This whole thing
seems a little weird.
Well, if people were always
worried about what seemed weird,
we'd never know how delicious
pigs' feet were, would we? Okay.
Morgan, why don't you start by unscrewing
the staircase from the ceiling, please?
You got it, boss. Hey, I
got a little bit of vertigo
from both sides of the family.
But I think it's gonna be okay.
Yeah. Lefty-loosey.
All right. You're doing
excellent work up there, Morgan.
Oh, thank you for the
encouragement, Dr. K
Are you okay? Oh.
Oh, why'd I look down? Uh-oh.
Oh, God!
Morgan! Morgan!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I think the vertigo's gone.
Oh, dear.
Why would you think it was a
good idea to talk about our sex life
at a Quaker school?
Because sex sells.
Why did you think it was
a good idea to bribe him?
$15 is a lot for a teacher.
It could've swayed him.
Okay, Danny, this is the principal
at our son's school, all right?
This isn't a maitre d' at
Anthony's Crab Shack or whatever.
What did you want me to do?
The only other
thing I had was a 50.
Would it have killed
you to dress up?
You had to wear jeans to
this very important meeting?
I ironed these jeans.
Sorry, I didn't know we were
gonna flirt our way out of this.
You know what,
don't cute-shame me.
My sexuality has
gotten us a lot,
like those extra cable channels.
What happened?
We just... We stopped.
Danny? Hey,
don't worry about it.
I'm from New York. I got this.
Okay.
That was your plan?
To press "One"?
That usually works.
That did nothing.
I could've come up with
that trick. Okay, okay.
Oh, God. No, shh.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Just take... Take it easy.
This is my fault. I'm
well over the weight limit.
Every Saturday morning when I
told you I was going to spin class?
I was in line for cronuts.
They're just so cakey. And
now I weigh 4,000 pounds.
No. You're hyperventilating.
I'm freaking out!
Hello? Hello?
If you Quaker sons of bitches
don't drop your
goddamn oats, I'm...
Okay, stop. Stop screaming.
It's a school on a Friday
night, no one's here.
I'm gonna miss my flight, okay?
No reception. I can't even
call Chelsea and Whitney
and tell them I'm gonna
miss our sex vacation.
Do you know how many
wet t-shirts I packed?
No, no. I don't want to
hear the mother of my child
is going on a sexy trip.
That's TM information.
Danny, you know I'm
a very sexual person.
If I can't be myself then
I'm just not gonna talk.
I'd prefer that.
Well, me too. In
fact, this is good.
I can catch up on my thoughts.
How does this work?
Do I just picture
something with my mind?
Oh, uh, we're...
We're fine, we're fine.
I think that's an
unoccupied unit up there.
That's Old Man
Horowitz's. He's the worst.
He always bangs on
the floor when Leo cries.
What's going on?
Why is there a hole in my floor?
Okay, we have to make
it look like a burglary.
That's what this is.
What? Morgan, I don't
think that's gonna help.
It works. Trust me.
What are you doing?
Uh. HOROWITZ: What was that?
Sounds like someone
is faking a burglary.
Uh-huh! Oh, man!
I don't want to go to jail.
No one is gonna go to jail.
I will go upstairs and I
will smooth things over.
I'm gonna go with you
and I'm gonna disarm him
with my comedy. God!
I left my whoopee
cushion at home.
You know what, when
I sit down on the couch,
go like this.
Mmm...
I'll go alone.
Hey, man. I gotta talk!
Words are just
building up inside of me.
And they're gonna come out
somehow, probably in a burp.
Fine, talk about something.
Thank, God.
You know, the reason I
was excited to go to Miami,
is that I needed some
space from this guy that I...
No, I don't want
to hear about that.
Guys don't like that. When
they break up with a girl,
they want to think
she closes up shop.
Why? I wouldn't mind hearing
about who you're dating.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
Actually, now you
have to tell me.
I really want to hear.
Uh...
Come on.
You sure?
Yeah, what else are we gonna do?
I mean there wasn't really,
you know, anything at first.
Because I was mainly focused
on putting my life back together
after the destruction
you left in your wake.
Okay, guilt trip accepted.
What happened after that?
Okay, if it's stories you want.
There was this
one girl. Mmm-hmm.
Maxine.
She was cute, and she
loved dark, leafy greens
as much as I did.
We seemed like a real match,
but then I looked her up online
and I found out that her
ex-husband was dead.
So what? I tell people
you're dead all the time.
No. This guy was poisoned.
Killer never found.
Oh, my God. DANNY: Yeah.
So then I just
kept telling myself,
I said, "This is not an issue.
Don't be paranoid, Dan."
But then she gives
me this soup...
And I look down and
it's got white flecks in it.
She said it was parmesan,
but I know parmesan,
so I came up with
a brilliant excuse.
I gotta wizz.
Go to the bathroom.
Left out the fire escape.
Check this out. A month
later, I see her, right?
She's on a date with another guy
who looks exactly like
me, except he's pale.
Sickly. Like maybe he's been...
Murdered. He was a ghost.
No. No. Poisoned.
Bingo. That was a great story.
Oh, thanks. Okay,
tell me another.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
What's taking your
brother so long upstairs?
Maybe Mr. Horowitz has a
daughter and Jody's sleeping with her.
That happened every
time I lost a Frisbee
in a neighbor's yard
and he'd "go get it."
If I had a Frisbee, I could
also use it as a dinner plate.
Life hack.
Do you think there
will ever be a time
when Dr. L forgives my brother?
Honestly, probably
not. She's very mean.
Also, don't tell anyone this
but there's been a
lot of sexual tension
between me and her lately
and I think people want
to see how it plays out.
I don't think they are,
though. I've returned.
Finally.
Well, the owner of the apartment
upstairs is no longer upset
about the hole in his floor.
Yes. Oh.
Because...
Well, I am the new
owner of the apartment.
I bought it for Mindy.
What?
There was another girl that
was perfect for me in every way.
Yeah. I know this one. Me. Next.
No, not you. Another girl.
Gianna. Italian,
liked the Yankees.
Loved to exercise.
I mean, just loved it.
Okay, you know what?
That feels pointed.
And I'll have you know I
went running yesterday.
Really? Yeah. My coat
got caught in the bus.
And that bitch bus driver
wouldn't stop for four blocks.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Oh, wow. So Gianna's
not the only athlete.
Okay. One morning after she
leaves, I'm on my laptop computer.
She changed my
desktop screensaver
from a picture of
Leo to a picture of her.
Oh, my God! Ho did
what? I know, right?
I'm assuming you had one
of your Staten Island friends
take care of her. Nah, nah, nah.
We just did it a couple more
times and then we broke up.
I gotta tell ya, Danny.
That story made
me feel offended,
outraged and vengeful,
which are my three emotions.
It wasn't that great.
I'll tell you what's great.
These candy straws. No, duh.
I've only been telling
you for seven years.
What about you?
Your turn. Now you
tell me something.
No. No. I'm not
much of a talker.
I'm... I'm more of like
a shy, pretty nun, so...
Yeah. Shy, pretty nun.
I do have one story.
It's about you.
Do you remember
when I told you that
I didn't want to see you
outside of handing off Leo?
Yeah. Yeah, that
hurt my feelings.
Well, it was only because I was worried
that I would get too attached to you.
And I was right.
Because, one time, I was
coming out of getting a bikini wax
when I saw you on the street.
You were coming out of
that gay protein powder store
on Christopher Street.
Oh, yeah, I get faster
customer service there.
The boys all know me by name.
And for whatever reason,
I decided to follow you.
What a nice guy.
Really? You tailed
me? What was I doing?
Mostly boring stuff.
I mean you bought a toy for Leo,
you yelled at two skateboarders.
What the hell is...
Guys, come on!
You picked a wedgie.
Hold on a second. Okay.
But it was so fun watching you
when you didn't think
anyone was looking
and it made me
remember why I loved you.
That's my story. Was it good?
Yeah. It was, uh...
It was really good.
It was a little linear.
Yeah. But, but I liked it.
Did it make me seem crazy?
A little bit.
But that's good.
I actually have a
story about you.
You remember at Shulman's
when I ran into
you in the elevator?
Oh, yeah. That was so weird.
I thought you were so senile, you just
wandered in to your old workplace, so...
No, um, Jody, he, uh... He
sent you a letter, a romantic one.
And it accidentally
ended up in my apartment.
And so I came to his office
and told him to back off.
Oh, my God.
Jody sent me a letter? Yeah.
But it wasn't good.
It was like a lot
of scratch-outs,
it was on loose-leaf,
you don't need that.
Did anything happen
between you guys?
I thought you didn't want
to know about my love life.
I'm asking you a question.
No.
We're not a good match.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I agree.
I just don't see
it. He's too old.
You don't share a
frame of reference.
Really? Because you're
like a million years old.
You're basically
black and white.
Eh, I'm younger than him.
What about you?
Did anything ever get serious
with the girls you were dating?
Hi. I'm Sarah.
Danny?
Danny, what are
you thinking about?
Wait, I'm sorry.
You bought her an apartment
and you made me
chip in for the pizza?
Well, you're the one
who wanted extra cheese.
I just wanted to apologize
for what I did to her,
and this seemed
like the best way.
You slept with
our brother's wife
and all you gave him was
an Edible Arrangement.
It might seem
a little irrational.
I've just never felt so bad
about my behavior before.
We're talking about
Dr. L, right? Yes.
Who is old, who has a kid,
very ethnic, isn't
quiet, isn't Southern,
isn't anything you've
ever liked before.
Yeah.
Okay. I'm on board.
Really?
You think it's a good idea?
I don't know. But it's better
than any of the other ideas
you've ever had.
I don't know. I'm still
on the fence. I... I...
Okay, we've got work to do.
Sure. Yeah, okay. Let's go.
What do you think this means?
I don't know.
But it was really nice.
Really? I hated it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You hated it? It was...
Blah.
JK. JK.
Ah, finally!
What time is it?
No, we're fine. We'll just pick
these wrappers up, all right?
- Oh. Good morning, sir.
- Oh, good morning, sir.
It only took you an
eternity to find us.
Luckily, I had this hot
man to have sex with.
Stop. Thank you, sir.
Thank you for
helping us out here.
Look, you might want to
watch out for that coffee cup,
we've been in here for a while.
Hey, Danny? Yeah?
I love you.
I love you, too.
Well, hello! Oh, my God!
Whoa. Oh. Oh, my God.
Jody?
What are you doing here?
Hey!
Where's my artsy staircase?
I bought that from a
gay man's estate sale!
No, it was junk,
and I threw it away.
But don't worry, I replaced
it with something better.
Is that Narnia? I don't
want to go. It's for nerds.
Seal it up! Come
with me. Come on.
It's okay.
Oh, my God. We
should not be up here.
This is where Old
Man Horowitz lives.
He's so mean.
He always screams at me when
I laugh too loud at Family Guy.
He won't yell at you
anymore. He's dead?
Thank God. No, please, shut up.
He won't be yelling at you
because he's moving out.
All right, now, close your eyes.
What? No. Yeah, just...
Please, just close your
eyes. I don't want to.
For a minute, for me? Okay.
Just pretend.
Okay.
Imagine, Mindy, if this
whole place was yours.
You had all the space
in the world for little Leo.
Oh, my God.
You could turn
this into the room
every little boy's
overbearing mom dreams of.
Whoa.
For as long as I've
known you, Mindy,
I've seen you put the needs
of others before yourself.
Really? No one's ever said that.
Your boy deserves more
than to sleep in a closet.
And up here, he'll have all the room
he needs to play and do his homework.
And space to shoot his videos
when he becomes a Vine star.
Sure.
And he'll know his
mother's right downstairs
if he needs her, where she'll
have a special place of her own.
A walk-in meat locker?
No! With Leo upstairs,
your closet can go back to what
it does best, holding your junk.
Oh, my sweet, sweet junk.
Because it's time someone
takes care of you for a change.
Whoa. Can you
picture that, Mindy?
Jody, what have you done?
I can't afford this place. I need
to be saving up for my retirement.
There is no way that
Leo's gonna support me
when I'm old. His bitch
wife is gonna hate me!
No, no, no, I bought it for you.
Oh, don't... Don't
look at me like that.
It's... It's a
normal thing to do,
if you're, you know, you
want to apologize to someone.
Is it?
I've done it before for
someone I might possibly,
against my better
judgment... Be in love with.
Holy shit.