The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 22 - Princeton Charming - full transcript

Hola, gringas!

The bitch is back.

I have returned from my
journey of self-rediscovery

in the Lone Star State.

And you know what?

I think I'm gonna
start saying "y'all."

And I'll definitely be spitting.

Join the club! MINDY:
Oh, before I forget,

I got you guys all
authentically Texas gifts.

Ooh!

Beverly, neck pillow. Ooh!



Oh, my God.

Jeremy, a real Texas
treat, The Lovely Bones. Ah.

I do suspect that you bought all
these gifts at the Austin airport.

That's not true.

I got some of them
on the airplane.

For you, my friend.
Take Off magazine?

Harry Connick,
Jr.'s New Orleans!

Look at this.

I already did the
crossword puzzles

so don't try to... Okay.

Hey, um, is Jody here?

Courtney made
brownies, everybody! Ooh!

Dig in.

Courtney? Who Courtney?



Dr. K's new girlfriend.

Finally, a couple
we can all root for.

You have a girlfriend?

I've only been gone a week,
and usually you move so slow.

When you tell a story I have
to take, like, five pee breaks.

Oh, my God. Dr. K, tell
how you two met, I love it...

Oh. and not just
'cause I'm up for a raise.

I was at the gym,

I'd just gotten off the treadmill and
she said, "Are you done using that?"

And I said, "Yes."

Well, let's just say, uh, she
never got on that treadmill.

Oh!

Why can't something like that
happen to me at ballet barre?

That's it? That's
the whole story?

It's nice having an adult
relationship for a change.

Why, on Sunday morning we actually
went out for a "Breakfast-Lunch."

I had eggs. She had a burger.

The same meal, can you imagine?

Well, you seem really
happy. Good for you.

Thank you, Mindy.

Hey, what's that?

Oh, nothing.

Dr. L, Princeton Student
Affairs called for you.

They need you to call them back.

Oh, no. I know
what this is about.

They figured out that I
was the streaker at reunion.

I'm toast, Tamra! I'm toast!

Guys, I have some huge news.

I just got off the phone with
Princeton University, my alma mater.

All right, braggy. We get it,

you have a phone.

And they have invited us to do a
"Later, Baby" presentation on campus!

Oh! Our first Ivy! Yes!

Hot damn!

They are the perfect
demo for the egg freezing.

Smart, careerist girls

who consider science
their boyfriends.

So, this Saturday,
the three of us

are making my triumphant
return to Princeton.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ooh, did you say this Saturday?

If that's the case, I can't go.

What? You can't come?

How many derbies are
there, for God's sakes?

No. It's not that.

Courtney made an
appointment with an allergist

in central New York,

and we were gonna make
a weekend of it, you know?

Hey, man, you have to come.

We're gonna get
more patients from this

than that time that
we did that radio jingle.

You know, where you
were playing the frozen egg?

"I'm chill, baby."

This is gonna be our
first weekend getaway.

I've been practicing
ukulele for the rowboat ride.

Hey, man, we all have
to break plans sometimes.

You know when I
went to your school,

it actually sped up the demise of my
relationship with the father of my son, so...

Exactly. I wouldn't want
something like that to happen again.

So, I'm sorry. What?

Are you... Actually,
I can't go either

because I'm gonna meet
my biological father...

You have to come.

I'm in.

I cannot believe Jody.

Just because
you got a girlfriend

doesn't mean that you completely bail
on all your professional responsibilities.

No, you don't. You
know, when I dated Tamra,

I didn't skip out on work.

Thank you. Yeah,

we would have sex in the office.

The kitchen, your
office... What?

Jody... That's
inappropriate, Jody.

And you know what, I don't even
think Jody knows what he wants.

Mmm-mmm. Can
I tell you a secret?

Yeah. Before I went to Texas,

Jody and I had a weird
moment on my couch.

Hmm. I think I have to show you.

Okay. Okay, come sit here.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, you be
me, and I'm Jody.

I fell asleep.

Oh.

Exactly.

And Jody took a blanket
and he laid it on me.

Mmm. I don't know why this
is weird. This is just, like, nice.

Okay, but then he did this.

Do you think it meant anything?

I mean, isn't that really
emotional and weird?

Nope. No, it doesn't
mean anything.

I don't know. It felt
kind of romantic.

It's not romantic. There's
nothing romantic about it.

God! You're such a narcissist.

Don't even worry about it.

No! Stop it! Don't
touch it! Don't touch it.

I have to go to the
bathroom. What?

And I might need to
borrow some pants.

Can I have my blanket back? No!

It's my blanket now.

So, you don't think it
meant anything? Nope!

Mindy, I need to talk to
you about this weekend.

Whatever.

Go have a fun
"bangcation" with Courtney.

I'm excited to present alone.

Because this way
you can't stop me

from doing my parody
song Ain't Too Proud to Egg.

Actually, Courtney and I were
discussing it last night, post-coitally...

Why add that?

And she thinks it would
be best if I go to Princeton.

Oh, my God! That's so great!

Tell Courtney thank you.

Well, tell her yourself.

She's postponed her allergy
appointment and she's coming with us.

Oh. She is?

I'm so excited for
you two to meet.

You have so much in
common. You're both women.

You can talk about dresses
and matinee idols and sewing.

Okay, sure. Yeah.

I'm just happy
that you're coming.

I've never been to New Jersey.

It'll bring me one step closer

to visiting all 50 states and
having sex in all of them.

Let's put on some tunes.

Oh, is there a Weird Al station?

No, no. Please
don't touch the radio.

It's voice-activated
and it's very nice.

Don't touch anything. Please.

If you could just hover above
your seat, that would be best.

I put down butcher paper
like you asked me to, all right?

Oh, my God! What was that?

It's her sneeze. Isn't it cute?

I'm sorry. I have just
really bad allergies.

Oh, poor baby.

Isn't she brave?

Canceling her allergist appointment
to come with us for moral support.

Oh, my goodness!

Hey! Are you drunk right now?

That sneeze was like a
gunshot so I swerved a little.

It's not about the sneeze. It's
about how you handle it. You're fine.

Wow. That's quite
a sneeze, Courtney.

And it has to be
that loud, right?

Better out than in, as they say.

Mindy, did you know Courtney
also grew up in Boston?

What? Oh, my God.

Nomar! Yankees suck!

Spotlight!

Racism!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

What part of town are
you from? Uh, Winchendon.

Oh.

Do you not know that part of town
or something, Mindy? Why the face?

Well, Winchendon
isn't exactly Boston.

It's basically in New Hampshire.

Well, Winchendon
is in Massachusetts.

Technically, it is. Yeah.

The way that Brad Pitt is
technically an Oscar winner.

- As a producer.
- Mmm-mmm.

Doesn't count. What
do you do for a living?

Oh. I'm currently in a lawsuit.

Oh, you're a lawyer? No.

I'm suing my former employer
for sexual harassment.

So, waiting for a
settlement is your job.

I would love to
get on that train.

Because I am constantly
sexually harassed by my employers

and I am made to feel
like a piece of meat...

Oh, God! Okay, you know what?

Pull over. I don't want to die.

I'm sorry. I'm not
dying in this car. What?

Dying in this car with me would
be better than your current life.

I never thought I'd say this,

but a woman of Asian
heritage is a bad driver.

I agree with that in theory.

But not me, I am the
exception. Pull over please.

That's it. I'm jumping out.

Wow.

Guys, I cannot believe this.

The last time I was on this
stage, it was Senior Week

and a hypnotist made me think I
was a chicken and I took my clothes off.

He didn't ask me to.

I always knew I'd
end up in the Ivies.

I thought it would be as some kind
of study cadaver, but this is good, too.

It is excellent work, Mindy.

Now that we've
gotten into Princeton,

all the other Ivies are gonna be lining
up like city councilmen at a cathouse.

Hey, what are you
guys doing in here?

Only returning to my
alma mater triumphantly

to change the lives
of young women.

And I saw a sign for auditions for
Spring Awakening. And I might try out.

That's great. We have this room
today for a football recruiting session.

Uh, football recruiting? Huh?

I didn't know that Princeton
recruited for football?

I thought they just accepted
whatever nerds wandered onto the field

with their heads
in a math book. Oh!

Excuse me.

This is a Division One
football team, little lady.

We only allow athletes
that can run a 10-minute mile

or whose parents
donate a building.

Sir, if I may.

I think I understand. I,
too, am a man of sport.

I was captain of my high
school line dancing team.

But I'm afraid we have this
auditorium reserved today. Yeah.

But you might want to
check your confirmation email.

Relax, guys. These jockstraps obviously
don't know how to read a calendar.

So... Oh, there it is.

Confirmation, Richardson
Auditorium, May 2nd.

2017.

Wait, what?

Oh, look at that.

You did reserve this
auditorium for the right day.

The right day next year!

I can't stay here for a year.

I only brought enough
clothes for six months.

Oh, shit.

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I think what happened was that I got
too excited and I forgot to double check.

No excuses. Not only is
this very unprofessional,

but I had to cancel my
romantic getaway with Courtney.

We were gonna unwind, and now I
am as wound as I have ever been.

I'm so sorry. You're being
very disrespectful of my time.

I could have just stayed home
and do what I do every weekend.

Stare at the wall
and wait for Monday.

I'm gonna fix this.
I'm gonna fix this.

Okay?

Hey.

Hi there. Yes?

My name is Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

Head Coach Drew Schakowsky.

I am here for a critical
women's health issue.

And I think we can both
agree that's way more important

than a bunch of fat
guys playing grab-ass?

This is Ivy League
football, okay?

If I don't get those players to
sign a commitment to the team now,

I could lose them to the Quiz
Bowl or Gilbert and Sullivan society.

Okay, you're a jock, I
know what you want.

I will let you touch
them for five seconds.

One, two...

Wait. I know you. Hmm?

Did we go to school
here together?

That's not possible. I'm
much younger than you.

You used to do work-study
at Butler Dining Hall.

You're the one who used
to eat all the French fries

off of people's plates
before you'd serve them.

Sorry I swiped a couple of
fries off of a rich kid's plate.

I was on so much financial aid I got paid
to get shocked by the psych department.

That's why I'm like this!

Hey, listen. I get it.

I had some crazy
financial aid myself.

You know, the whole time I was on the
football team, I had to be the mascot, too.

You were the tiger?

Yeah.

I think I dry-humped
you once on a dare.

See? I knew you looked familiar.

Hello!

We any closer to booking a venue

or are you just gonna stroll
down memory lane all day?

Guys, I am mesmerizing
him with my sexy charm.

Just give me a second, okay?

Okay. Well, we're gonna
keep packing. Shut up.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

But if we leave now we can still
salvage our romantic weekend.

We'll pretend my
apartment's the B&B.

I'll find some Germans who
will have breakfast with us.

Okay, I guess.

Hey, guys. I am really sorry.

This was the most embarrassing
thing to happen to me on this campus,

and my underwear fell
off at commencement.

Look. What's done is done.

Let's just... Let's
get out of here.

Maybe on the way back we can stop
on the Pizza Hut side of the rest stop.

Doesn't that sound
good? Hey, Mindy.

I know. Let me
take care of this.

Perfect. Okay,
yes, I did it, all right?

I intentionally sat on one of
your footballs and destroyed it.

What? No.

I was just talking
with the guys,

and we decided since
it's such a nice day out,

we'll just take the recruiting
session out to the stadium.

I thought you needed the auditorium
to show your highlights reel?

Oh, no, no. It's better
if we don't anyway.

The only team we beat
was Columbia last year,

and that was only because half their
team was off for the High Holidays.

You're gonna give us the
auditorium to show our presentation?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm already back
in road trip mode.

So, we should probably just go.

We'll do... We'll
do the presentation.

Thank you so much.

Oh. Hey.

That's all well and good,
but we still have a problem.

The school still thinks the
event's happening a year from now.

Who... Who's even gonna come?

Well, we'll just do
what he did, right?

We'll recruit people who seem like they'd
be good candidates for "Later, Baby."

Oh, sure. Where are we gonna find them?
- Yeah.

We'll get nerds.

I mean, I was a nerd
in college for three years

until I discovered vodka-crans.

Like, crayons you draw with?

Hey, does your ID get you into
every building on this campus?

Yeah. I have an idea.

Give me the flyers.

Thank you. Come on. Let's go.

Set up the presentation.

Text me if you're sure, 'cause I just...
- Set it up!

I just packed it!

I'm sure. Unpack it.

All right. Okay.

Ah. The Lewis Science Library.

Drew, got a lot of happy
memories of this place.

Oh, right, the Loser
Science Library.

I've never even been in here.

Ugh, that's it. You're a
jock. What'd you major in?

Gym?

French literature.

Ooh!

You have no idea
what you're saying.

No, none, whatsoever.
Well, here we are.

Ah, Drew. Isn't it beautiful?

Nerdius Americanus
in their natural habitat.

But how are you gonna
find out who's interested?

Well, first we'll start
with the Koreans

whose immigrant parents
will make them wait

until they get a
graduate school degree

before they can go
on their first date.

Oh, boy. Um, Janet!

Eunice!

Grace!

Priscilla!

How do you know
their names? I guessed.

And now the Indian girls.

They're not gonna finish their neuro
residencies for another 12 years.

Anila! Diya!

Priya!

Finally, the Jewish girls.

They want to marry Jewish guys,

but all the Jewish guys are dating
Asian girls, and they have to wait.

Hey, where my Jewesses at?

No, no, no, no, no.

And I'm uncomfortable with all
the racial talk at our university.

Okay.

Shira! Rachel! Tamar!

Shabbat Shalom!
It's not Shabbat.

I know you're thinking,

"Who is this pedo? How'd
they break into my library?

"Why are they wasting my time?"

I have a Lexus.

It's a lease, but that's
a pretty big deal, okay?

I'm just a really cool, pretty,
sexy, full-bodied Manhattan doctor

who decided to have
children in her 30s.

Yeah. Didn't work
out with the dad,

but it's for the best. I
do miss the sex though.

The point is I am here to help
you take control of your own fertility.

No, oh.

All this to say

if you give me a
mere hour of your time,

I can teach you the secret
of how you too can have it all.

And now this handsome guy and I

are gonna make
it rain information.

Flyers for a talk I'm about to
give in about an hour and a half.

Eat it up, ladies.

Okay, guys. Meet at the front
entrance. We'll lead you over.

And that is how you recruit.

My football players don't
even listen to me like that.

Maybe I should talk to them?

I can come to their locker
room? Or their showers?

When do they shower?

No.

I could be on a romantic
getaway in the country,

making love on the grass of a battle-site
where hundreds of young men died.

But, no, thanks to Mindy,

I'm getting ready for a presentation
no one knows is happening.

Ah!

Stop blaming Dr. L, okay?

You are the one
undermining the practice.

I didn't know microwaving fish
would make the whole office smell.

I'm talking about the incident
in her apartment the other night.

What incident?

You brushed her hair out of
her head while she was asleep.

Come on, man.

Well, I... What's the big deal?

There was a little bit of
mayonnaise on her forehead.

Well, okay. Well, that's
very plausible. Mmm-hmm.

But still she thought
it was romantic, okay?

There was nothing
romantic about...

All I did was this.

I know that that
is not romantic,

but still you got a girlfriend.

Mmm-hmm. Stop
sending Dr. Lahiri...

Right. Mixed signals.

And also me.

Now, let's just pretend
that never happened. Yes.

It never happened. I
have to go to the bathroom.

Mmm-hmm.

Once you stop
worrying about fertility,

you can start worrying
about what's really important.

Like getting through
a lecture hungover.

I recommend Pedialyte
through a Twizzler.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

You gotta... You
gotta be careful.

I'm part... I'm part
of the presentation.

The first 100 people to sign
up will get a free Hamilton...

CD. Not tickets.

What do you think we are?

We... We can't
afford that. Yeah.

Thanks so much for
coming out, you guys.

Yeah!

Oh, man, I used
to love this place.

One time I tried to
dance on the bar,

but I didn't have the upper
body strength to climb up

so I danced by the bar.

And... Shut up.

Is that the coach from before?

Oh, my God.

More like Vince Lom-hottie.

Oh. It is.

Hey, man. Hey.

Hey. What's going on?

How'd the presentation go?

It went really well.

We signed up 16 new
patients, so it was cool.

Hey, join us. Sit down.

Oh, five people in a booth?
I don't know if that's safe.

Yeah. Move over.
There's plenty of room.

Come on. Move over. I can
go one butt cheek for this guy.

Yeah. All right, all right.

Move over, you animals.

Ah, thanks.

So, how was your day?

Our recruitment went well.

I found a fullback who
only has light asthma, so...

Well, if you're okay with asthma,
I could be your Tom Brady.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I think you might be a
distraction to the team.

Or if you're looking for
someone with sleep apnea.

Stop it. Stop it.

No! I sleep like an angel.

Wow!

You okay, sweetie?

It's nothing. It's nothing.

It's just now that we've moved

I'm directly under
a vent and it's...

Oh. Very chilly.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, maybe we should all leave

and go someplace else
that's not quite so drafty.

No, we just got our
drinks. We're having fun.

Well, some of us are having
fun, some of us are freezing.

You know, you
guys work it out, I'll...

I'm just gonna go see
if the bartender can

warm up this white wine.

Ah!

So, how long you
guys in town for?

We leave tomorrow,
6:00 a.m. sharp.

Well, I'm glad I caught you then

because this place
has 10-cent wings.

What?

Mindy, Courtney gave
up our weekend together.

The least we could do is go someplace
where she wouldn't be suffering.

Okay, well, good luck with that
because she suffers everywhere.

Should I go?

Mindy, you owe
Courtney and I an apology.

For what? For scoring
us a dozen new patients?

Yeah, and I got a callback for
Spring Awakening. Yeah, man.

You have been rude to us, and to
quote Tim Gunn, "That is not a good look."

Okay, if Tim Gunn was here he
would say, "That's a lot of look."

That's a lot of look!

You know what, I am sorry.

I am so sorry

that I had to spend the weekend
making conversation with a woman

who cannot tolerate
Earth's atmosphere.

Yeah, you know,
I'm gonna go. No!

No! Ah! Son of a bitch. Bye-bye!

Hey, man. What is your problem?

You haven't even given
Courtney a chance.

You've been rude
to her this whole trip.

Well, I don't understand why it's so
important to you that I like your girlfriend.

We are co-workers. We
do not need to socialize.

In fact, maybe you should leave.

Well, maybe I should. - No.

Yeah. No. Don't go.

Bye-bye. No, no,
no, no. Don't, Dr. K.

Sure. No!

We're not taking
your money, man.

You chased everyone
away. Are you happy?

No.

Man, can you believe Jody?

Acting like it's my job to treat his
pushy sneeze-monster girlfriend

like she's my sister.

Hey, I am the only sister
you're ever gonna need.

Hey, Morgan.

I love that you've
kept me company,

but I... I really don't need, nor want,
you to stay for the rest of the night.

You can't be alone
after that fight.

Also, the hotel

was out of rooms that
didn't cost anything so.

You can sleep on the floor.

Can we just watch some...
Some pay-per-view please?

No porn.

Because I checked earlier
and I've seen them all.

Okay, I turned
the heat up to 90.

Oh.

Are you sure it's not
too warm in here?

No. The hotel has heat.

We'd be fools not
to take advantage.

I think I'm gonna put
on another pair of socks.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, you left your belt
buckle in the car. I grabbed it.

Belt buckle? Yeah.

It's almost too heavy for me
to carry. Where'd you get it?

Uh.

Texas.

Will you excuse me, honey?

I, uh... I'll go
down to the lobby

and get you a nice
cup of boiling hot tea.

See, I gave everyone
backrubs in prison.

My friend Chucho loved it.

Eh! I don't want to know.

Murdered his whole family.

Oh, my God. I didn't tell my
parole officer I was leaving the state.

If it's a man named
Jamar, I'm not here.

Good evening, Mindy.

Oh, uh, may I have
a word with you?

Okay.

I just wanted to apologize

about how harsh I was at
that college tavern tonight.

You really embarrassed me in
front of a roomful of strangers.

Afterwards, sure, I
embarrassed myself even worse

by throwing up while
doing karaoke. But still.

I wasn't supportive enough of you or our
business, and I'm... I am sorry for that.

And I am sorry that I
was rude to Courtney.

Ah.

It's just, she's
so, like, annoying.

And, like, her stories suck.

And she's, like, not
really from Boston.

That's kind of an apology.

But you seem to really like
her so she must be worth liking.

I can find some good in her.

Like she always has gum.

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

And she's pretty and
she's probably smart

and she seems to make you happy.

I just wanted to clarify
something though with you.

I... I found this... Hey.

Hello. How are ya?

Well. You guys doing,
like, official work stuff?

'Cause if you are I
should be included

in the conversation.
No, I was gonna...

We're having a
private conversation.

About patients
and stuff? It's not...

It's like a regular hangout.

You know, we were actually in
the middle of doing our hangout.

All right. Well, I'll just... I'll let
you get back to your evening.

Didn't you want
to tell me... Okay.

And I'll, uh, make sure
Courtney's staying warm.

See you for breakfast. Get out.

Okay.

Now, this is your night.
You're gonna sit on the bed

and you're gonna
look at my toenail

and you're gonna tell me
what the hell's going on.

Oh, God! Is that scales?

It smells so bad.

I've tried sprays.

I've dumped a whole thing of
Puff Daddy cologne on here.

Hold on.

Oh, God. I have a
kernel of corn in here.

I have, like, a nail
growing on top of this nail.

Ah! I cut my finger
on my own toenail.

Oh, man, Butler Dining Hall.

Mmm.

Damn. I have missed
these cheesesteaks.

I used to have,
like, four a night.

Well, that's the perks
of working at a college.

Almost makes up
for all the hacky sack.

Does your girlfriend
hate hacky sack, too?

What?

I'm sorry. It was
just so subtle.

Um, I almost didn't catch it.

No, no. No girlfriend.

Do you ever go up to Manhattan?

Well, it's funny you should ask

because I'm actually going up to watch spring
practice at the Dalton School next week.

All punters.

Hmm. Wanna come?

Mmm. No. I hate
sports. I'd rather die.

Hey, dummy.

I was just trying to
ask you out on a date.

Oh, my God. Um, yes.

I would love to. Wow.

I'm really excited to
see you next week.

Aren't we just gonna go to my
place and have sex right now?

Damn, dude.

Too soon? Super-hot.

Um, I do have really
thin walls, though,

so you're gonna have to
keep it down. Oh, my God.

I live in Manhattan.
I'm all about thin walls.

I'll just shove a
sock in my mouth.

Let's go.

Hey, guys.

I'm sorry I was a
little late this morning.

Courtney, you okay with
the AC? Oh, I'm great.

I've got one of those silver
blankets ambulances give out.

But thanks.

Hey.

You shouldn't have
abandoned me last night, okay?

I tossed and turned so much I
fell off the bed and I hurt myself.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

Wait, you didn't make
it home last night?

Was it that football
guy from the bar?

Maybe.

Oh, you go, girl!

That guy was hot and
had a strong jawline.

Mmm-hmm. He sure
used that jawline last night.

Oh! What?

Mindy, there's a lady present.

Wasn't a lady
present last night.

Oh! Yes!

All right, let's pay
attention to the road.

I know someone who got
rode last night. It was the coach!

Morgan!