The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 21 - Under the Texan Sun - full transcript

This was the longest week ever.

We brought more
babies into this world

than a mid-level rapper.

Yeah! Right there! Let's dab!

Oh!

Still don't understand that.

You have earned
a night of relaxation.

Oh!

Who's that? It's Peter.

Oh, nice. Let's see what
that knucklehead's up to.

Thanks, Morgan.



All right. Ah.

Bye. Bye.

Hi, Peter!

What's up dog? I'm
so psyched for tonight.

Why? Did you make a
bong out of a pumpkin?

Yes, of course.

But you're also
coming to visit me.

My girl's coming down to Texas
all the way from New York City!

What?

Remember? You're
flying to Austin tonight.

Last time I was in
town you booked a trip.

Huh?

We never hang out
like this anymore.

You know, it's because
you're too far away.



You're... You're
like my margarita.

You know, I want to get to it but
maybe it's for the best that I can't.

You gotta come to Texas, bro.

The median weight
is like 300 pounds.

They'll think you're anorexic.

Really?

Wait.

I should come to Texas.

Let's get you a ticket.

Ticket! Ticket! Ticket!

I can't come, Peter.

I've been so busy, I've
barely been home. Okay?

I've never had
snacks expire before.

Lauren said you would bail.

Come on! Little Henry looked
at a picture of you and said,

"When is the loud lady coming?"

Aw. He remembered me.

Okay, I'll come for the weekend.

Hilarious. The weekend.

You booked a trip for five days.

What?

All right, they got a good
one from Friday to Sunday

where you're in an exit row.

No, no, no. Peter.

I don't want to just visit you.

I want to be in your life.

Do you get that?

Do you get that? I'm
coming for a week.

Well, I guess I'll see you soon!

Yeah! It's on like
a pumpkin bong,

which I do not
have if Lauren asks.

Okay. Bye. Love you.

Look, Leo, I know
this week is going

to be really boring
with your dad, okay?

Not everyone can be as
fun and glamorous as Mom.

But I'll be back soon so you
better not take your first steps.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Olga.

Sorry we're dropping off
a little early this week...

Damn. You ain't no Olga.

No, um, sorry. I'm Eliza.
You must be Mindy?

Where's Danny?

Danny's in the shower.

He got this new olive oil
shampoo from Italy and...

You know Danny.

Better than you do.

Oh. Hi, Leo!

How's my buddy?

You want to go to the park
and see if Mr. Squirrel's around?

I know Mr. Squirrel,
too. He's great.

Oh, yeah.

It was nice meeting
you. Have a great trip.

Bye, Leo! I love you!

Nothing can replace
a mother's love!

Welcome to Casa de Prentice.

Aka the "Tex-Mex
Sex-plex." Cool.

In here, the formal living room.

Not supposed to go in there.

These are some fancy chairs.

Not supposed to sit in those.

Hey. What's wrong with you?

Since I picked you
up from the airport

you've been super
distant. What's going on?

I don't know. I guess
I'm a little distracted.

I feel like I should be at home,
you know, trying to find someone.

God, Peter, why
is it so hard to find

one, single, sane, rich,

hot, cunnilingus addict
in New York City?

Look, I think this might be
about the picture of that woman

on Danny's profile online?

You know what? It's
probably his grief counselor.

You know, 'cause he's
mourning the loss of my juicy ass.

Do all grief counselors

get kissed on the
top of a Ferris wheel?

I don't know! I kiss everybody!

And, you know what...
I didn't come here

to get the third degree
from my best friend.

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

That's the formal living room!

Look. Forget about Danny.

There's plenty of guys in Texas.

Lauren is consistently
reminding me of that.

Really? Yeah.

I guess I could "Under the Tuscan
Sun" a handsome ranch hand.

And he'd be, of course,
obsessed with me

because of my big
city sophistication.

Sounds like a plan.

Whoa! Chicken nug in my pocket!

You have anymore loose
nuggets in there? I'll check.

'Cause Lauren has
made this house

vegan as of last week.

Oh, my God. Sick!

Beer me that nug.

Oh!

God damn it!

You know what? Maybe it is good
that I got away from New York for a while.

And this house is sick.

It's a real "McMansion."
Aw, thank you.

You know, it used to belong to

a forward on the Spurs
until he got caught on camera

throwing his wife in the trash.

You know, Mindy, I was thinking
maybe tomorrow after work

we could go down to that bar.

I can be wingman. We can
scope out some deadbeat dads,

or maybe a drunk,
someone in your wheelhouse.

You guys are going
to work tomorrow?

Yeah. What am I
supposed to do all day

alone in the house?

It's only gonna take an hour
to go through all your drawers.

Well, you can hang out with
Henry, or his nanny, Rosa.

Or take a stroll through
my succulent garden.

I think the path is wide enough.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, the path is
definitely wide enough.

You haven't seen it yet.

Just... It's tight.

Okay. Let's not... Let's just
talk about something else.

Um, Peter, how is your new job?

Who's the Mindy? Is she
as cool as me? I hate her.

Mindy, his new practice
is so full of drama.

Tell her about
Meredith and Derek.

Meredith and Derek? Mmm.

Whoa, it's like you
work on Grey's Anatomy.

Ah...

Why don't you tell me what's
going on back in New York?

How's Morgan?

Oh. Well, Morgan
fell into a pothole. Oh.

And guess what?
The city is suing him.

Same old... Same old tune.
- Yeah.

Whoa!

Lauren!

Lifestyles of the
Rich and Famous.

My web subscribers
are gonna love this.

I hope you don't mind
having a roommate.

Ah! Who dat? That's Martin.

The chuckwalla.

I have to share a room
with a straight-up dino?

Well, it's his room.

And it's supposed
to be cold tonight.

You may wake up with
him in between your breasts.

Uh, you know what,

maybe five days is too
long to stay with someone.

I should go home.
Like, tonight maybe.

Oh, no, really?

I was kinda hoping
that this week

would give us a chance to
get to know each other better.

What?

You've never taken
any interest in me.

Yeah. I just thought
that we could hang.

Is everything okay?

Would you like to
be on my webcam?

My subscribers have been
begging for anyone else. Begging.

No. I... I...

Please. Please. I just
want to ask you a favor.

Peter has been
acting weird lately.

I feel like he's hiding
something from me.

I just want you to figure
out what he's up to.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Because, like, I
cannot think of anyone

who would want
to sleep with Peter,

but I'll help. I'll stay.

Oh, thank you.

You know, Mindy?

I can see us almost
becoming friends.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, God!

Oh.

Still in your cage,
Martin. Good boy.

Ay caramba!

Martin, why didn't you
tell me about this guy?

Hey, I'm Mindy!
You must be Rosa.

Quick question.

Who is the steamy slab of
carne asada working outside?

Oh, that's Diego.

But he's not for you, loba.

Oh, he's gay?

Well, this is Texas. He
probably has to stay in the closet.

I can work with that.

No, he's not gay.

But Mrs. Lauren wouldn't
like you bothering him.

Okay. Fine. Don't
touch the pool boy.

I'll just pick up my
huevos rancheros

or my waffles con ice cream,
whatever you've prepared.

Oh, I don't work for you.

It's fine. I will leave you and
go watch some daytime TV.

There's no TVs in the house.

Why don't you read a book?

A book? Why don't
you go to hell...

I'm so sorry.

I went too far.

Gonna go.

It's okay. She's gone.

Ow! God!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hola, there.

Hola.

¿Cómo estás?

Huh?

Oh, uh, um...

If you prefer I can
speak in English?

Ah, thank God.

Yeah.

Garfield.

Very lazy cat.

Oh. Yeah, these
are not my clothes.

No, I borrowed them.

I left my very sexy two-piece
back in El New Yorko.

Watch out. You
have a bee on you.

No, man. These are double D's.

No, no, no, no, no.
A bee. A bee. A bee.

There! Ah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Ah!

You okay?

Help me. Try standing.

Ah!

Pretty sure you can stand.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I was, um...

Maybe more scared
than in actual danger.

Walk towards me. I help you up.

My knight in shining armor.
Can you hold this please?

I want to save it for later.

Sure. Put it on the...

Right here. Thanks.

One, two, three. Oh, God!

Don't make those labor noises
when you're picking me up.

It's not that bad.

Oh, God.

Please. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I so appreciate it.

I can't believe now I'm going
to hook up with a pool boy.

What?

Pool boy?

Yeah.

No. I'm sorry. I...

Pool man. I... I don't.

Oh, Rosa? Rosa?

Oh, thank God.

I am soaked in agua

and I was negged sexually.

Can I have a towel
and a hug, please?

I swallowed a lot of water.

I have to pee. I still
haven't eaten any breakfast.

Can you please put a waffle

in the goddamn toaster?

Someone left the popsicles
out and now they are melted.

They are Henry's
treat for using the potty.

Someone should go to the store.

Rosa, what do you want
me do? I can't go to the store.

I ain't got no car.

Oh, you don't have a car? No.

I walked here from El Salvador.

Okay, fine, Rosa.

I will go to the store.

Anything else, Princess Rosa?

Mr. Peter likes Hot Pockets.

Nice!

Peter? Is that you?

What are you doing here?

Peter? Huh? Who's Peter?

Ah! Oh, my God!

Oh! Peter!

My hip!

Peter, what are you doing here
in the middle of the afternoon?

Shouldn't you be at work?

I'm just picking up
some supplies for work.

Like, um... Like an Xbox,

- and, uh, some tiki lamps.
- Sorry, Peter.

Hope chicken's okay.
They ran out of carnitas.

An Indian woman
just ate the last two.

I saw her. She was hot.

Peter, why does this teenager know your
burrito preference? Don't you have a job?

I've never seen
this teenager before.

Get out of here, Marvin.

Damn, homie. I
thought we were boys.

Look.

I had a real job
at a real practice

but, honestly, all I
ever really wanted to do

was come home and
play with Henry anyway.

The other day I called in sick,

so the two of us spent
the whole afternoon

just picking "boog"
and taking baths.

It was the nicest day ever.

That is actually kind of sweet.

So, anyway, that sick day
turned into another sick day,

which turned into
like a sick week,

and then pretty soon I had
sent them my fake obituary.

I died of terminal diarrhea.

Lauren doesn't know?

No, I leave with
her every morning,

and then I drive here and watch
Lifetime with Renee in electronics.

'Sup, Renee?

How you livin', girl?

Then when the coast is clear, I go home
and hang out with Henry all afternoon.

And then when Lauren
asks about your day

you just tell her plot
lines to Grey's Anatomy?

She doesn't watch TV, so
she doesn't know any better.

It's a victimless
crime. It's harmless.

Like dumping
trash into the ocean.

Peter, she thinks
you're having an affair.

Whoa, really? Yeah.

That's so cool.

I wonder who with?

Rosa, I bet. You know what?

Honestly, I'd hit it.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Okay. You need to come clean.

We're gonna go home and
you're gonna tell your wife the truth.

I'm taking this burrito as
punishment. I'm not even hungry.

Come on. Grab my popsicles.

Hey, can't I just wait until I run out
of storylines from Grey's Anatomy?

No. She's so invested.

Last week, she tried to get us into Denny's funeral.
- There you are.

I cannot believe you.

What were you thinking?

Look, everything was done
with the best of intentions.

Diego said that Mindy
sexually menaced him!

He just quit and made away
with all the grotto stones!

Lauren, I am sorry.

But he is a pool boy,
and I... There it is.

Pool boy? He is not a pool boy.

He is the preeminent water feature
designer of the American Southwest.

He won a MacArthur Genius
Grant for a hot tub in Santa Fe.

Okay. Well, obviously
I did not know that.

And, if anything, it's
only making me hornier.

Well, I guess we have to cancel
the photo shoot with Pool magazine.

No, no, no. Wait.

We'll figure this
out, baby girl.

Wait, why are you home so early?

Tell her.

So she's less mad at me.

Well, the... The truth is...

The office is on lockdown.

There was a woman who
accidentally shot herself with a bazooka

and the unexploded
shell is just lodged in her.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Look.

Meredith and Derek
will take care of all that.

Let's just go call Diego
and sort it all out, okay?

Okay.

I'm sorry you have to deal
with all this. She's so dumb.

Sorry. I know.

It's like, can you believe
Mindy is a doctor?

Hey, Martin.

You could have told me that
Diego was like the Albert Einstein

of pool boys or whatever

instead of just standing
there, like, licking your eyeballs.

Well, good news
for you, young lady.

I talked to Diego. He agreed to
come to dinner so you can apologize.

I took the liberty of writing
an apology down for you

so you don't do something
weird like apologize with a rap.

Wait! You haven't even
heard my rap apologies.

Stop that! That's
not good. Okay.

I know how to apologize.

Okay, then I'll just
let you change.

Unless, you were planning on
wearing the Dartmouth shorts?

No, Lauren, I wasn't.

Great, just checking. Bye.

Diego, thank you so much
again for coming to dinner.

I think Mindy has something
that she wants to say.

Diego, it is true.

When I first saw you,

I thought you were a
shirtless, illiterate pool boy.

I went to Yale.

This dude went to jail? Why am I
apologizing to him? He went to Yale, Mindy.

He went to Yale.

I am very sorry.

Lo siento... DIEGO: Hmm.

Okay, Diego, right now I
am kind of a pitiful person,

so who cares what I say or do?

I was just trying to feel sexy,

because I found out

that Danny has a new
girlfriend and I freaked out.

Why does it matter what Danny's
doing? Or who Danny's doing, or...

Anyway, Diego, I
just wanted to say

that I've had a
really hard week.

But please don't take
it out on them, all right?

I'm gonna be gone
in a couple of days.

Just please
complete their grotto.

It's okay.

Breakups can make you
a little crazy sometimes.

When I found out my
ex-wife was dating again,

I cut her face out of
all our family photos

and then blended them
into a smoothie and drank it.

I know. Total cliché, right?

So I understand.

And...

I'll finish the job.

You will? PETER:
Thank you, Diego.

Oh, my Gosh. Thank you so much.

Awesome. Thanks, Diego.

Oh, Peter?

With all this grotto drama,

I forgot to ask about Meredith.

Did they get the bazooka
shell out of the patient?

Oh.

Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah,
everybody's fine.

The patient's fine.

Meredith is fine.

The, um, the bomb squad,
they blew up in the hallway.

Oh, my God! Are you
talking about that episode

of Grey's Anatomy?
I love that show.

I watch it with my daughter.

No. It's his... It's his work.

Peter, I've been
meaning to ask you,

what is going on with
Izzie's brain cancer?

I mean, I'm a neurosurgeon.
You should really let me see her.

Mmm. She should
see her. Yeah, she's...

Doesn't work there
anymore, right?

After she and Karev broke up?

Wait, how do you know Karev?

I'm a huge Shonda-head.

Wait, what's going on here?

I... I can't tell
if you're joking.

No, they're not joking.

Peter, what is he talking about?

Don't listen to him.
He's been to jail.

Did these things
happen on a TV show?

I have something to tell you.

McDreamy dies in a car accident.

How could you
lie to me like that?

You quit your job?

Why are you tired all the time?

Because I'm unhealthy!

I should probably go.

Good luck with your
problems. Thank you.

Okay.

Looks like you need a mediator.

Lucky for you, I am Henry
Kissinger with a Brazilian.

I think we need some privacy.

Okay.

Then I guess I'll
go upstairs and...

Actually, I would feel
uncomfortable screaming

if I knew you could hear me,

but if I don't get it out,

it will manifest
itself in a small cold.

Could you maybe go for a walk?

Okay. I'll go.

But know this, you are the
worst host that I have ever met.

And my host family in Germany

tried to put me in
a stew and eat me.

Are you sure you
just weren't in a bath?

Yeah. Because you put carrots
and cut up onions in a bath.

I know the different
between a bath and a stew.

Okay?

Oh, my God!

Please! Please don't kill me!

I'm not caught up
yet on my shows!

Stop it. Stop it.
Don't be so dramatic.

Nobody's gonna kill you.

What are you talking about?

I am walking along a dirt road in
Texas in the middle of the night.

Dick Cheney could be running
around here looking for some pheasants.

You people are crazy!

Chainsaw massacres.

Scalia dies here mysteriously.

Can I give you a ride somewhere?

To the nearest Trump property?

Get in.

First time in a pickup truck.

Cool.

I got divorced two years
ago, but it's still hard

because we have a kid.

Oh, so do me and Danny.

God help you when they turn 13.

One day you tuck a
sweet little girl into bed,

the next you wake up with a hormonal
cyberbully who steals from Sephora.

Hey, I'm sorry that I
sexually harassed you.

I think I did it because...

I don't know, I thought a little
"sexcapade" would make me feel better.

Nothing will make
you feel better for now.

All you can do is spend
time with the people you love

until you realize one day,
you're not sad anymore.

What, Peter? PETER: Hey,
you gotta come back and help me.

Lauren is really upset. She
locked herself in her room.

She hasn't been this mad at me
since she found my private towel.

Ew, yuck.

Just please come
back. Please talk to her.

Okay. Fine.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, do you mind...

No problem. Okay. Thank you.

Hey, man. I made a hot Diego
drive me back to fix your problem.

Your wife is really
pissed at you.

And she's thrown all
our stuff out the window.

She hit me in the head with your
pumpkin bong. I think I'm high.

Thank you so much.
This is really, really bad.

Will you talk to her? Okay.

But I don't know if it's going
to make a difference, but...

Lauren?

Lauren, honey?

You have to forgive Peter, okay?

I know he made a big mistake.

And guess what?

He's gonna make a million more.

But he's a good g...

What are you doing?

You were doing great.

Stop it. Put down the bong.
- Okay, okay.

You just... You have to
hear him out at least, all right?

But I don't know
if I can trust him.

Things are really
complicated right now

and they're only gonna
get more complicated.

Complicated? We're
just getting a grotto.

Yes, Peter!

Grottos are a lot of work.

It's like you don't even get

what a huge responsibility
this is gonna be.

You lost me. I want to be
there with you, but I'm just...

Lauren?

Is by any chance the grotto
a metaphor for a baby?

How did you know that?

I'm a great OB/GYN. But
an even better detective.

Frankly, I'm great at everything.
One of... Hold on. Wait.

You're pregnant?

Mmm-hmm.

With our baby?

Yeah. Are you happy?

Yeah, of course.

I mean why do you think I quit my
job and I come home all the time.

I love taking care of Henry.

I'm gonna love taking
care of this baby, too.

Oh, Peter.

When do you think it was? Was it
that night we went to the hibachi place?

This is the worse vacation ever!

Martin, we're getting high.

Hey.

Thanks for waiting.

You didn't by any chance
see like a small lizard?

Goes by the name Martin.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Thank you so much for
driving me home. Ah, it's fine.

Just sucks that I have to waste
that hotel room I found online.

Well, who, who says
we have to waste it?

Oh.

Do you mean, like...

Like sex?

Mindy! Guess what?

Lauren said we could get
barbecue. Like, real meat.

Mmm-hmm. Hey,
Diego. What's going on?

She bothering you?
'Cause I could talk to her.

No. I am not bothering him.

He just propositioned
me for sex.

That's hilarious. But you
can get out of here, please?

All right, I'll leave
you two to it.

So...

I think you were right.

Shall we get out of here?

No, I, I think you were
right before when you said

that the best thing for me right
now would be to spend time

with the people that I love

and believe it or not,

the people I love
are these two losers.

I understand.

But if you're ever in New York
you should come and visit me.

We can go see a Broadway show.

Do you know what that is?

To be honest, I don't
really love the big city.

So if I ever visit
you in New York,

we probably shouldn't
leave your apartment.

Damn, dude.

Damn, dude.

You heard that, right?

I'd have sex with that guy.

Holy shit. That shit was hot.

That shit was hot.
Let's get some ribs.