The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Greatest Date in the World - full transcript

Wow, Marcus, I've never
started a date this early.

I usually like the
shroud of darkness,

you know, to hide my hoist
and pulley shapewear system.

Well, we are headed to
my favorite Chinese spot

and it takes about
two hours to get there.

Hold up. Hold up. Two hours?

Where is it? China?

I was all, "China."

Seriously, if you
wanted Chinese,

we can go to the Asian
Kitchen. It's around the corner.

Yeah, but that's a chain.



It's not really
authentic Chinese.

I mean, their... Their mascot is

a panda voiced by Kevin Hart.

And why... Why would
you settle for Asian Kitchen

when you know there's
something better out there?

Listen. Trust me. I
pride myself on knowing

the best place in New York
to do just about everything.

Everything?

Okay, Mr. New York,
show me what you got.

This place, hands down,

the best General Tso's
chicken in New York.

Ooh, I want to eat
that poor bastard.

This one here? Yeah.

This place has the best vodka.



Whoa. It was worth the
racist encounter at the door.

This place has the best
interactive theater experience.

Wow.

I like that that happened to me.

It's smart.

Well, this is my apartment.

You know what? Mmm-hmm?

I just thought of one more really
cool thing I want to show you.

Oh, hey. I don't know if I can.

I'm still really
tired from that adult

adult pillow fight
you took me to. Mmm.

Oh. Whoa.

No. Uh, see,

I also know a guy for
the best sex in New York.

Whoa.

In conclusion, may
I remind you that

it is illegal to bet
on the birth weight

of a baby in hospitals

under New York state law. Sorry.

I thought so. I have
an announcement.

I am so sick of the basic bitch

gen pop places
where we order lunch.

Oh!

And I am lucky because
the cool guy I'm dating

has some recommendations
for some new places.

But these are like
three hours away.

Mindy, I thought you
loved chain restaurants.

Panera Bread sends you
flowers on your birthday.

Not since they banned me for eating
a long baguette in a lewd manner.

Speaking of birthdays, I have
one coming up in a few days.

And I'm not expecting anything,

but it's an opportunity
for a grand surprise.

Does anybody have any
actual business to discuss?

I have a business. JEREMY: Okay.

As we all know, Dr. C's
office has been vacant

since him and
Dr. L's ugly breakup.

Well, meanwhile,
over in phlebotomy,

three larger-than-life nurses are
sharing a room the size of a closet.

Yeah, that's why
we had our accident.

Break time, girls. Let's dish!

Oh, my God!

Ow!

Ahhh! A skeleton!

Wait! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh!

I still have blood
in all my creases.

So we think the best use
of Dr. C's office would be...

A nurses' lounge.

I'm sorry.

You people want
a nurses' lounge?

Yeah. MINDY: Uh, no, no.

You're lucky to have jobs!

The doctors have a lounge

where they can
go blow off steam.

Why can't we have the same?

Uh, because we
went to medical school.

I like the way the place is now.

There's a fun
upstairs-downstairs vibe.

This isn't Downton Abbey, Jody!

And I'm not Mrs. Patmore.

Yeah, Colette is
obviously Mrs. Patmore.

I'm Laura Linney.

I, for one, think
it might be nice

for the nurses to
have a comfy little nook

in which to discuss
their modest dreams.

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Yeah! MORGAN: Whoo!

You know, Dr. Lahiri,

you're the only doctor that I actually
look forward to seeing every year.

Aw, me too!

I'll tell you something.

You are my favorite patient.

No, it's true.

One night I got drunk
and ranked you guys.

Well, I'm sort of
seeing someone.

We're not dating but
we're not "not" dating.

Okay, what does that mean?

Well, it's like we're best
friends, but we have sex.

Red flag.

And he won't call
me his girlfriend

but he says our connection
goes beyond labels.

Red flag.

Jonah doesn't want
to be tied down.

I mean, he's a photographer.

Ooh! Huge, huge red flag!

I know it's not perfect.

But dating's hard
when you're our age.

Yeah, I hear that.

I recently went on a date with a guy
who had a mannequin on his couch.

No explanation.

The worst part is, I
went out with him again!

Then they dumped me!

So I've been thinking a lot
about trying to get pregnant now.

Do you think you could help me?

Hmm.

Let's see.

Would I be interested in getting

a fellow bangable, hot
fashionista pregnant?

Um, how's this for an answer?

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Sisters Are Doin' It for
Themselves is supposed to play.

Instead, I signed up
to be an Uber driver.

Okay... Anyway, the point is

I would love to
put a baby in you.

You would? Really? Yeah!

This is great! I will just
set up an appointment

with you at my fertility clinic.

Oh, my God.

You're gonna meet
Louis, my sperm guy.

Ah! This guy, cream of the crop.

I actually told him
he should use that

as a motto and he
said it was crass.

I don't know.

Oh, I got to go.

I have an Uber I have to
go pick up on 31st Street.

Dr. Reed, welcome
to the nurses' lounge.

Yeah. You want a tour?

Yes, please. Come on in.

Over here is Tamra's spa.

I'm feeling hella Zen.

Leave her alone.
Leave her alone.

Uh, right here
is Colette's area.

I'm making a P-51 Mustang.

My grandpa shot down 11 Japanese

in one of these bad boys
and a couple of friendlies.

Let me show you Morgan's
Poetry Corner right here.

Here's a little something
I've been working on.

"Digital overload,
social media motherlode.

"Verizon, you don't own me.

"Verizon, release me from
your roaming and anytime fees."

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, I'm glad
you're having fun.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, yeah, isn't
that poster funny?

I actually don't think I get it.

I mean, British humor is
obviously a lot more subtle.

Have you guys
seen the farting vicar?

What's not to get?

The cows represent us,

and what they're saying
represents how we feel.

Well, as long as you're
all enjoying yourselves.

Oh, my God. I had it all wrong.

I just thought it was funny

because he's got a briefcase.

Oh, my God. Eden,
look at this one.

He is Harvard-educated,

super handsome, and
he's a marathon runner.

New York Marathon.

See, I'm not like other spermists
who sell you a marathon runner

and then you find
out it's Chicago,

a notoriously easy
and flat marathon.

So easy. JODY: Here you are.

Jody Kimball-Kinney,
I am not talking to you.

Why? What did I do?

You won't give me a sample!

How can you deprive the world

of another pair of
those cheekbones?

You keep sweet-talking
me like that, Louis,

and you'll wear me
down eventually.

Okay, it really feels like
you're leading him on.

No, no. It's all in fun.

Wait. What about this guy?

You have great taste.

Stud 14 is very popular.

Wait. Does that mean
that my child will have

like a ton of
brothers and sisters?

I mean, what if they
accidentally sleep together?

I mean, sure, that would be a
great show on Amazon, but...

That's highly unlikely.

Besides, your child will never have
any information on the donor's identity.

I don't know. Wouldn't
it be better for it

to be somebody who would
be involved in the child's life?

Eden, it's also pretty hard to raise
a kid with someone you're not with.

But that's what you're doing.

Yeah, I know. But I
didn't mean to do that.

This morning Danny and
I had an hour-long fight

over the theme of our
son's birthday party.

He wanted "baseball,"

I wanted "leather
and lace." I...

Baseball? Gross.

Thank you, Louis.

Look, Dr. Lahiri, I think I
just need a little time to think.

Oh. Okay. Um...

Sure, sure. It's your decision.

That was a really
interesting dinner.

I did not know that
Transylvania even had a cuisine.

But you liked it, right?

I mean, you ate all
your charred crow.

It was very crunchy.

Hey, do you think that we
could stop at Barnes & Noble?

I have to pick up a
gift for my coworker.

His birthday's in a couple days.

Yeah, sure, but
not... Not there.

Big box bookstores kind of suck

unless you're looking for a
celebrity cookbook or something.

Uh, wait a second.

Have you even tried
Ryan Seacrest's recipe

for potatoes au gratin?
They're the bomb.

Where do you get books?

From the best
bookstore in New York.

I got to be honest, Marcus.

I know that this is a cool
way to get around right now,

but that was a long-ass
way to travel by bike.

Plus, a bird's wing hit my face.

But it was worth it, right?

I mean, look. Come... Come here.

Look at this. Okay. All right.

Quinton! Hey!

I am looking for a copy
of Lonesome Dove.

Ooh... I don't sell any
mainstream fiction.

I have a collection of Robert
Mapplethorpe's male nudes.

Would he like that?

No, he... He wouldn't like that.

Hmm.

You should try Barnes & Noble.

Sorry to waste your time, bro.

Let's go. Let's go.

So, I've been doing
a lot of thinking

and I think I finally
settled on a sperm donor.

Oh, good. Number 31?

His penis measurements
were very impressive.

No.

Oh. No, of course.

I mean that shouldn't
matter anyway. But damn.

Ah! I'm just happy
you picked someone.

You know, I was
really worried that

I freaked you out the other day.

No, what you said
was really eye-opening.

I mean, if you have
a baby with a guy

and it doesn't work out, that
could be a disaster. Exactly.

But if it does work out
that's the ideal situation.

So that's why I'm going to have a
baby with my not-boyfriend Jonah.

What? Jonah?

No. That is the worst
idea I have ever heard.

And I played saxophone
in high school to get guys.

Jonah and I are
really great together.

Plus, once we have the baby,

I think he's going to want to really
settle down and be a great dad.

Oh, no, no, no. Eden, trying
to trap a guy never works.

If it did Joey Mclntyre would still
be locked in my parents' basement.

Okay? You cannot
tell him about this.

Well, it's a little
late for that.

Hey! Jonah.

I'm here to be the dad.

What's that nurse's deal?

Hey, Jody, we have
a huge problem.

You got too small a venue
for my surprise birthday party?

Easy.

Just get an overflow
room showing a simulcast.

No, no, no. We can't
do Eden's in vitro, okay?

There's a problem
with the donor.

I don't like his personality.

Excuse me? That's the problem?

Yeah! I met him and he sucks.

Oh. He's clearly not
serious about Eden

and he smelled like whatever I
think drugs are supposed to smell like.

Okay? He can't be the father.

Sure, he can.

My father was a terrible man,

and he sired three angels.

And a couple of Cuban kids which
we were never allowed to meet.

Eden is like my
favorite patient, okay?

I think in the long run she'd
be better off using a donor

and raising the kid by herself.

As reproductive facilitators,

it is our job to
give medical advice

and then let our patients
make their own decisions.

It's unethical, Mindy.

Okay. But if a person
is tied to the tracks

and a train is coming,
I'm going to untie them.

Or at least I'm going to kill
them in a more merciful way.

Like, bash their
brains in with a rock.

One thing's for sure, if they're
hot, I'm going to kiss 'em.

Mindy, you don't know this man.

And you know you
jump to conclusions.

Like, how you assumed
Colette knew Ellen.

Yeah.

I mean, she does,
they're very close.

But still... JEREMY:
Catastrophe!

The nurses hate working here.

I was in their lounge
and they have a poster up

that says, "They pay me to work
here, they don't pay me to like it."

And it cut like a knife.

Well, if you think the
poster's disrespectful,

just tell them to take it down.

I don't want them
to take it down, Jody!

I want them to
want to take it down.

You know what? If they don't like
working here, they can take a hike.

We'll hire immigrants,
we'll pay them nothing,

and if they complain,
we'll turn them in.

¡Adiós, amigos!

Well, maybe they have
a reason to be unhappy.

But, you know what? No longer!

Because from now on,

I'm going to take those frowns
and I'm going to invert them.

Okay?

Thank you for letting me come
with you to collect this sample.

I'm so cooped up in the office.

And I heard when you
go to people's houses,

sometimes they
offer you a drink.

Yeah, okay. Listen.

I need to do a little recon
on this particular donor, okay?

Jody's right. Maybe
Jonah's secretly a great guy.

I'm secretly a great guy.

Hey. Are you the weed guy?

Yes. I'm an impeccably dressed

Indian woman who sells weed.

If anything, she'd sell coke.

Thank you. I'm
here to see Jonah.

Oh.

Hello, Jonah.

It is I, Dr. Lahiri,
from the other day.

And it is I, Morgan,
from right now.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Eden told me somebody was
coming by to pick up my sample.

Can I get you guys anything?
You want something to drink?

Jackpot.

Uh, I'll have a root
beer float, frosted mug.

How about a water?

Even better.

Uh, uh, stop.

Jonah, this is an
incredible space.

It's, um... Not that
kid-friendly though, huh?

Thanks.

My interior designer does
all of Vincent Gallo's homes.

Oh, he seems like a good guy.

So when did you decide
you wanted to be a dad?

Well, one day Eden was like,
"Yo, I want to have a baby."

And I was like, "A
baby? But I'm only 39."

Then I thought
about it and I was like,

"I've done way weirder stuff
than that, so." Here you go.

Whoa!

So if you're not the
settling-down type,

what are you going to
do when the baby comes?

I'm assuming I'll just
kind of figure it out.

Okay. Are you gonna
keep doing drugs?

Probably.

Are you and the baby and
Eden gonna live together?

I don't know.

Whose insurance is the
baby going to be under?

I should probably be sober
when I make that decision.

Yeah, that's the problem, Jonah.

When you say you're
gonna figure things out,

eventually you got
to figure things out.

You know what, you're right.

I haven't thought
this through at all.

I'd... Can I get my
yuck back please?

Coming at ya.

Do not throw the semen samples!

He threw it at me!

Yeah, but you're a nurse.

I hope everyone's enjoying
their expensive meal.

See? Working at
Shulman has its perks.

Uh...

Mmm... I don't know.

We have to do all the crap work

the doctors don't
want to do. Yeah.

Right. But, I mean,
you're nurses.

See, it's that
attitude right there,

which is fine, we're used to it.

Because in this society if you
are a lesbian, or a black woman

or a person of
filth, this is how it is.

Look. I want you guys to
like coming to work, okay?

And if there's anything I
can do to make that easier...

I would love Fridays off.

Oh, paid lunches.

Oh, I want an intern.

Well, you know, if
those are the things

that make you happy
to work at Shulman,

then I'm happy to oblige.

- For real?
- Are you serious?

Okay. While we're at it...

Look at that popcorn machine.

Oh, man! That's awesome.

Look at this. We put this
in the nurses' lounge...

Oh, my God. Boom! It's
like a movie theater lobby.

Yeah! Yeah!

So in Yonkers, there's a pop-up
Burger King inside an old McDonald's.

Or, Donald Glover is reading
his space opera in a granite mine.

What if we just
stayed in tonight?

Okay. So when you...

When you say "stay in" you mean?

You know, why don't we just
get to know each other better.

Maybe watch a little TV.

Oh, okay! Well, look, if
you like TV, check this out.

There's a theater
in Ditmas Park.

They perform old Full House
reruns with the commercials.

No, no, no, no.
The opposite of that.

Uh, okay, so you
want to just sit here?

And not do the best of anything?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't like this.

No, me neither.

Marcus, I feel like I don't
really know you very well.

I mean, sure you do.

You know I like food and
authentic Japanese arcades.

You know I like...
No, no, absolutely.

I know about all the
interesting things you like,

I just don't know
what you're like.

Okay, wait a minute.
Are you trying to say

that I don't have a personality?

Because I have a personality,

and it's... It's
like, really good.

I know.

I followed BuzzFeed's "10 Simple
Steps to Having a Good Personality."

Look. I'm sure you
have a great personality.

And you're... You're
very handsome.

It's just I've been on
a lot of special dates,

but I'd like to think that the
greatest date in the world

would be sitting on my sofa

watching a movie
with the right person.

Getting the sense you
maybe don't want to do

the scavenger hunt
on Governor's Island.

No. Blow my brains out.

Okay. All right,
all right, I get it.

I guess this is the end.

You know, you may not be
the best of anything in New York,

but, um, you were pretty fun.

Eden. It's egg retrieval day!

But don't worry. This
is going to go over easy.

Because I'm "eggcellent" at it.

Is this funny to you?

It cracks me up.

Mindy, I'm really upset.

Oh.

Because Jonah didn't
show up? I knew it.

No, he said that
you went to his house

and you freaked him out
and you negged his sperm!

Okay.

Eden, look. I am very sorry.

But I was just trying to prevent
you from making a big mistake.

It's none of your business!

Thank God I talked him down.

I told him that I would
pay for the baby's college,

and that I'd pay
off his college.

Wait, so you still want
me to do the retrieval?

Oh, you're not doing anything.

I am.

Eden would like
me to take the case.

You simply can't
respect boundaries.

Okay.

Okay. There has been
a big misunderstanding.

I am great with boundaries.

Mindy, what you did was wrong.

Yeah, but it was
for the right reasons.

Mindy, I think it's
time for you to leave.

Okay. Do what you want, Eden.

But this is how
this plays out, okay?

You have a baby with Jonah.

He says you'll be
together forever.

It doesn't work and
everything is a big mess.

And you.

To think, that I was going to
send you an email tomorrow

that said, "I'm sorry I
forgot your birthday."

This popcorn machine is the best grand
I've ever spent out of my own pocket.

Can I get anyone a bowl?

Nah, I'm good.

I guess I'm starting to think
of popcorn as "work food" now.

Yeah, but maybe if we had

a snow cone machine
I would feel differently?

Oh! Can we please have
a snow cone machine?

I don't want popcorn anymore.

I've eaten so much I
feel like I'm going to die.

What the hell is that?

Okay, I'm done being subtle.

I gave you everything you wanted

and you have the gall
to keep that poster up?

You were bribing us?

And I accepted it?

Now I can't run for
congress. Thanks a lot.

Take that poster down forthwith.

No!

This is our space and we
can put up whatever we want.

We don't come into your space

and tell you to take down your
picture of a little girl on a horse.

That's me, on Ginger!

Fine!

No! No! No! COLETTE: No!

I want popcorn
now! Come on, man!

Back with the popcorn now!

Jody, you better
lawyer up, bitch!

What makes you
think that you can go

behind my back
and take my patient?

How would you like it if I
took some of your stuff?

Like these walnuts?

I don't think I'd care,
particularly. They're nuts.

They're not that expensive.

Oh, you know what? I don't
need to hear that right now.

I stole your patient
for your own good.

Like when I stopped you from
eating the salt packets in the kitchen.

Those salt packets are my
delicious afternoon snack.

Yes, I went to Jonah's house

and I behaved a
little unprofessionally.

That's because I knew that he was
a loser and Eden needed to know.

Blah, blah, blah!
All I'm hearing is

you overstepping your
boundaries as you always do.

Like, when you inexplicably
flashed Mark in radiology.

Yeah, and now we
get our X-rays like that.

Like that we get them!

Well, this is worse.

Now you're projecting your
own problems onto your patients.

And just because...

What? Just because what?

Just because you messed up
your life, doesn't mean she will.

Wow, I didn't know that you thought
that my life was so messed up.

Look, you're upset.

Why don't you go home?

You know what, I will go home.

But not because of
anything you said.

Because I need to drain my feet.

Because, yes, I ate all
the salt packets again.

No! COLETTE: It's not cool, man!

- It's hurtful!
- Really?

That is against the
law, sir. Hate crime!

Hey! What the hell is
going on here, guys?

Uh, Mein Führer right here
has committed a hate crime.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's
called free speech.

I can put up whatever I want
outside the Jeremy's Lounge.

Oh, yeah? Come here! No!

Cut it out!

Hey, hey. Take down
the sign, Jeremy.

Why? If they're allowed
to complain, why can't I?

Because you're a boss.

If you're an underling,
griping's all you have.

Employees have the right to say,

"Man, I hate this job."

Yeah, but we also have
the right as bosses to say,

"Morgan, call and book
me a Brazilian wax."

Everything? Butthole, too?

No, no. It's hypothetical.

Yeah, Dr. Reed.

We liked that you gave
into all our demands,

but having a popcorn machine,

and paid lunches
and Fridays off,

I mean, it really
doesn't mean anything

if we're not allowed
to complain about it.

Fine. I get it.

I'll take down the poster.

And I need the
rest of the day off.

I got a little bit of PTSD from
this, so I'm going to go home.

Right. No, you can't.

But you can go to the nurse's
lounge and complain about it.

Good. All right.

Bitch-ass!

Doctors ruin everything.

Sucks! Wait till you're
in the lounge, please!

Keep your pants on. I'm coming!

Yes?

Hey.

I bought you
something for your feet.

Okay.

It's an apology lance
and a drainage basin.

Thank you.

This will actually really
help with the throbbing.

Good. So...

Uh, what are you watching?

Um, just my favorite
McQueen movie.

Oh, really? Which one? Bullit?

Great Escape? Papillon?

Cars. Lightning McQueen.

Do you want a glass of water?

Oh, uh... Thank you. Yes. Okay.

Uh...

I wanted to
apologize about today.

Thank you.

That must have taken
a lot for you to say that.

And I hope from now on
you will give me free rein

to let my emotions dictate
my professional decisions.

Oh, no. Professionally,
I was right.

You do need to learn boundaries.

You call that an apology?
That was a victory lap!

Who do you think you
are, Lightning McQueen?

Come on, Mindy.

Okay, yeah. Maybe I went
a little too far with Eden.

Well... It's just,

Jody, it is really hard
to raise a kid with an ex.

And it's not just the
logistical nightmare of it.

There's a lot of guilt.

You know that things
are the way that they are

because the two of you
couldn't make it work.

Mmm. And I didn't
want Eden to have

to live with that
like I do every day.

So you were right.

Well, not about everything.

You're a good doctor
and a good mom

and a good coworker
and you do it all in heels.

That's nice.

Although, these suckers ain't
going in heels anytime soon.

They're about to explode.

Do you want to watch
the movie with me?

Uh... Okay. For a little while.

Okay.

I won't keep you for too long.

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Happy Birthday!

No?

And I didn't even
have to say anything.

Here you go.

May I open it? Yeah.

Thank you so much.

What? Oh!

My favorite!

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Ah! I'm so happy. I got
it from Barnes & Noble.

It was in the "Grandpa's
Casket Stuffers" section.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Okay.

Now, where do the cars come from

if there are no
people to build them?

Uh, cars are born.

The tailpipes are vaginas. Mmm.

Aren't you a doctor?

Well, I'm glad everything
worked out for old Lightning.

He was...