The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 19 - Baby Got Backslide - full transcript

Well, I think this was a
pretty successful first outing

of the Shulman & Associates
Musical Theater Appreciations Society.

Do you think so?
Do you think it was?

Because I paid a fortune
for two Hamilton tickets

and you got us kicked
out in the first act

by climbing up on
stage to freestyle.

It is not my fault.

All of the non-white
people were doing it.

They were the cast!

You know what? Waiter,
can we get the check please?

That's been taken
care of for you, sir.



Someone already
paid for your meal.

Oh. Okay.

Cool. Thanks.
Let's get out of here.

Wait, no. Don't you want
to find out who paid for us?

Okay, this has happened before.

We need to get
the hell out of here

before they realize I
am not CeeLo Green.

Okay? Let's ghost. Okay...

Obviously we have to find out
who paid for the meal, Mindy.

Oh, my God. They're texting me.

I think my SAT tutor
is buying us dinner.

Mic drop!

Hi! What up, Min?

Hey! How are you?



Looking good. Whoa, Jeremy.

Look like you dropped
some LB's, man.

Thank you for noticing.

Yes. Nobody
understands my struggle.

It's... It's... It's one man

against his food,
but with his food.

Yeah, and, uh...
Mindy, you look great.

What? Yeah.

Motherhood definitely suits you.

Thank you very much. Yeah.

I found that motherhood
really kind of like

stretched me out, like,
in all the right places.

But not down there.

Super good to know.

What are you doing here?

My shoe company, Dope Feat,

we're opening a flagship
store here in NYC...

So, it's about to be the bomb.

Only two white people are
allowed in the store at one time.

Apparently, that's legal.

You know, I actually
saw some junior high kids

wearing your
sneakers and I was like,

"I slept with the guy who
started that company!"

Right. Oh, these are my boys.

I've been hanging with
my O.G.N.Y.C. crew lately.

Awesome.

I like your vibe. Nice
to meet you guys.

Uh... We've already met.

At you guys' kind of, sort
of, wedding-thing. Yeah.

Got you guys a NutriBullet.
Never got it back.

That's right, I returned
it for store credit

because I didn't like it.

I'm so sorry. Of
course, now I remember.

Mike, Garret,

Althium?

My name is Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus? Yeah.

I'm really feeling
Althium for you.

Is that a pill?

That's not a name,
for sure. Could be that.

I think maybe, like, we'll
catch up another time.

Let's get dinner and hang.

That would be so much fun.

Uh, yeah.

I was thinking more of
like a one-on-one thing.

Oh, right. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, so this is

a bit awkward, Min. It's a...

Homies night.

Me and Mindy.

Really?

Nah, okay.

Have fun.

Good.

Guys, is this weird?

Casey's back in town
and he asked me to dinner.

You're always bursting
up in here talking about,

"Hey, guys, is this weird?"

What about what's weird
that's going on our lives?

I keep seeing the
number 16 everywhere.

The thing is, guys,
I'm just still really

attracted to his
hot face and body.

You know, I mean, his
business is taking off.

Maybe I should give
him another shot.

Like America did
with Chris Brown

and wars in Iraq.

No, no, no, no, no. We're
not doing that, okay?

You never get back
with an ex, okay?

If they didn't like
you with 20 dogs,

they're not going
to like you with 40.

Yeah, it's a losing
proposition, Mindy.

Eh, give him another shot!

He took care of
things in the sack.

Thanks, Beverly.

That's what I wanted to hear,

so that's what I'm
going to listen to.

Guys, I'm going to
date Casey again.

Great work, everybody!

I think this is actually...
I think that's great.

You know what... Just take
my stuff and put it in my office.

Actually, these are... I don't.

You know what, we're going to...

I'm going to talk
to her in private.

Someone's in a good
mood for dating a virgin.

Wait. How are you dating someone

without having sex?

You can't take a plane
flight without having sex.

We stayed up all night
talking on her fire escape.

I asked about her
hopes and dreams.

And I really listened
to what she said.

That's a first for me.

You know I think a
relationship is about...

Good-bye, everybody!

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Dr. L, stop everything.

Check this out. Wait. Tamra?

I'm writing a letter of
complaint to Brookstone.

Their heated toilet
seat burned my butt.

Don't look. Don't look. I'm
very embarrassed about it.

Okay, so you're well aware of my
award-winning lifestyle blog, right?

Tamra's Shade Shack?

Are you kidding,
I live my life by it.

I'm no longer number one in
web traffic for New York City.

Guess who's beating me?

Celibacy and the City,

the tell-all blog of a
30-something virgin.

Oh, my God. Cosmo recommended

that I get into this
site this spring.

Well, that and pegging.

I only have time for one.

Obviously I'm leaning
towards pegging.

I think you should try pegging.

So, on her newest
post this morning,

she's talking about her gentleman
suitor, "Colonel Suspenders,"

who she stayed up all night
talking with on her fire escape.

Does that sound familiar?

Oh, my God.

O-M-G.

So, you know what
we have to do, right?

Uh, yeah. He's our friend.

We have to tell
him what's going on.

Are you out of your mind?

We're not going to
tell him, so we can

find out all about his
love life. Oh, yeah.

Because Dr. K's the
only one of you all

I don't have any
blackmail info on.

You realize that meat sword's supposed
to be shared by the whole restaurant.

Hmm. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Mmm-hmm.
You know, I miss this.

How long are you in town?

Actually, I'm, uh...
Moving to New York.

Yeah, LA's just all these hot
girls saying, "Yes, yes, yes."

And, you know, I
had to get out of that.

Yeah, LA's tough.

I was once tased in
Katy Perry's driveway.

You know, it's so
nice hanging out again.

For me, you, uh...

Were kind of the
one that got away.

Me?

Yeah.

Really?

I have never been the one
that got away. Mmm-hmm.

I've been the one
that won't go away.

No, look, for real. But...

You're the one who convinced
me to chase my passions

and you always called
me on my bull-sheezy and...

Don't say
"bull-sheezy." It's dumb.

See? That's what
I've been missing.

So, um... Dope Feat's
having a grand opening party.

Would you want to come?

Amber Rose is going to drop
her new line of Aqua Socks.

What?

Me invited to a
party with celebrities?

Yeah. Yes!

Yes! I would love to.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Great.

I have to start my
beauty regimen.

Do you think they do Brazilians
at a Brazilian restaurant?

No. I'm going to ask.

I had a great time.

The best part is they let me
keep this cool meat sword.

Oh, no. I actually
paid for that, so...

Oh, really? Yeah.

Wow, thank you.

This was actually one of the nicest
dates I've been on in a long time.

Oh. You thought this was a date?

What?

Yeah. I thought this was a date.

It was hella romantic.

You paid for dinner.

You're holding my hand.
You keep calling me "babe."

Right, okay.

Uh, yeah.

Um, I can... I can see where
you're coming from, babe.

Uh, Mindy.

And we were going
to go up and have sex.

I just... I... I can't
date you again.

My friends really
don't like you.

Ex-squeeze me?

Yeah, and they actually straight
up hate it when you say that.

What? Okay, well,
that's very shallow.

Well, you also broke my heart

and kept the ring.

I sold it on eBay to
try to get a Jacuzzi.

And that's way baller of you,

and I've always
appreciated that, but I just...

I kind of made a promise to
them that I wouldn't date you again.

Just come upstairs.

I had fun tonight, but I can't.

I'm sorry.

And I need the sword.
That was like a G.

I was going to use
it for s'mores. Okay.

Stay tight.

And then I found out

that my biological
father is actually former...

Oh, my God! How was the date?

Um, it was the worst
date in the history of dates.

Guys, Casey says he
doesn't want to date me

because his friends
can't stand me.

Why isn't anyone surprised?

Well, you are one of
the few private citizens

who's been denounced by the
Jewish Anti-Defamation League.

You want to take
off Rosh Hashanah,

that's your New Year's, okay?

You can't then
celebrate January 1st.

How many New Years do you want?

You know I love you.

But it's harder to get people to
like you who you aren't paying.

Okay, that started
nice, it took a real turn.

This is a conspiracy, guys.

You're all insane. I'm
extremely well-liked.

Well, maybe the friends
thing is just an excuse.

You know, like when Mother
said she was allergic to hugs.

When he hugged me good-bye,
I swore he had a half-chub.

I mean, you can fake
love, but you can't fake that.

You know, Dr. L, when
you're, like, dating a guy

who's, like, hella crewed up, you
have to get in tight with the crew.

When I was dating
George Clooney,

I had to be BFF
with Richard Kind.

She fixed me up with Richard.

We still text.

I rarely say this.

But, guys, that
was really useful.

If I want to get
Casey to date me,

I have to get Casey's
friends to like me.

I'm going to charm the
pants off of those guys.

I like Colonel Suspenders.

But can I keep
going out with him?

His wardrobe is so boring.

He might be too old-fashioned.

I'm starting to wish my
gentleman caller were

a little bit more of
a gentleman baller.

Wow. Okay.

Say what you will about Ashley,

this is the best
writing I've ever read.

I love Dr. K, but he does kind
of dress like the old narrator

in a play who comes
out and explains the town.

I kind of feel bad going
behind his back. Nurses...

Oh, hey! Ah!

Which pair of suspenders
should I wear for my date?

Red implies power,

but blue evokes the
majesty of the sea.

Hmm. Yeah.

Maybe no suspenders at all?

No suspenders?

Well, I suppose I
could just wear a belt.

Or two belts, one
over each shoulder.

Oh, see there, I've just talked
myself back into suspenders.

No.

Oh!

Oh, God!

Why you got to
be so funny, Dr. K?

Now I've ruined your clothes.

But it's okay, because we can take
you shopping for some new ones.

No, no, I... I don't like
shopping. I don't like shopping.

I inherit all my clothing.

This jacket was worn by a juror
from the Scopes Monkey Trial.

All right, okay, if
you want clothes,

I know just the alley. No.

I have a good idea. Let's go.

Or we'll go with her.
Whatever she says.

Wake up, wake up, good morning.

Don't sleep like... Wowza!

Wow. Mindy, thank you so much

for inviting me to
this party. Of course.

I had to miss book
club but I was like,

"Sorry, bitches!"

Okay, don't talk about book
club here, okay? Understood.

Mindy! Jeremy! Hey!

Oh, hey, Casey! What's up?

Good to see you. Hi!

Good to see you,
man. Hey. What's up?

Oh, I'm going to
grab a drink. Um, hey,

I'm surprised to see
you. Uh, you know,

after what I said.

Oh! Oh, don't worry about it.

Okay. I've forgotten completely.

Just so you know,
my friends are here.

That's great,

because I have
a five-step plan for

winning over a guy's friends.

Step one. Befriend
their girlfriends.

They actually don't
have girlfriends.

Oh! Step one-A.

Laugh in a way that
showcases my breasts.

Step two. Talk sports and
pretend you've seen Die Hard.

Die Hard is actually my
favorite Christmas movie.

Yeah! MAN 2: Yeah!

Step three, shots!

Whoo! Whoo!

Steps four and
five, double shots!

After all of that, they'll
be eating out of my hands.

Oh. Yeah. That works.

Show me around. Yeah.

Check these shoes out over here.

Oh, do I look ridiculous?

I hid a go-bag of
seersucker down the hall.

I'll... I'll go throw that
on and come back and...

Relax. I would.

I like it. Relaxing.

A lot.

Something tells me you're a
guy that likes musical theater.

Like musical theater?
I'm obsessed with it.

Hmm. I want to
imprison musical theater

in my phantom's lair

and sing it Music of the Night.

Hey! No big deal.

I'm so sorry about Jeremy,

he's kind of a nerd.

He hasn't even seen Die Hard.

Yeah, me neither.

No interest.

So, hey, check it out,

I can get you tickets to this
new musical that I just invested in.

It's about, uh... James
Buchanan, the bachelor president.

Ah! Buchanan?

BuzzFeed named
it one of the top 28

gay musicals this April!
Then you have heard of it.

I got you. Let me
know. Oh, my God.

I love theater myself.

My whole life's basically
one long vagina monologue.

Okay, you know what?

You can cut the
whole cool girl act thing.

You broke Casey's
heart once before

and I'm not letting
you near him again.

Plus, you're not cool.

Oh, I'm not cool? No.

Have you seen me twerk?

That's... That's your
version of twerking?

Can you please get an erection?

I'm on a lot of antidepressants.

Hey, man. What's
your problem with me?

I don't like you
with Casey, okay?

You're always
trying to change him.

His clothes, his career.

He bailed on the "Slimer"
tattoo that I designed for him.

He is a 34-year-old man.

He doesn't need
a "Slimer" tattoo.

Says you.

He's great. I'm not
going to try to change him.

I don't buy it. I
don't buy it at all.

Oh, you know what?

You can stop pushing your
boobs up with your arms.

I know that trick.

Let me know how many
tickets you need, bro. I got you.

Thanks, man. I'm
not doing a trick.

You're just staring at
my breasts, Althium.

That is not my name!

Oh, shoot. Our girl Ashley

put up a new blog post.

Whoo! I bet Dr. K got
majorly frenched last night.

My boy was lookin'
"foine." Yeah.

I love my man's new style.

I could ride this clotheshorse
all the way to the finish line.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Keep reading. There's
more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now there's
a bigger problem.

My man won't stop
talking about his co-worker.

I think he has a crush on her.

I'm demoting him from Colonel
Suspenders to Major Crush.

Wait, that's bad!

I think. She's overestimating
our knowledge of army rank.

Yeah.

Who could Dr. K have
a crush on up here?

That's so weird.
That's so weird!

It's just... It's
weird is what it is.

Well, he's always fighting
with Dr. L, so it's def not her.

I... I... Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what, you know what,
you know what? He hates her.

And I don't think he would date
Beverly because she's Lutheran?

Too old. Lutheran.

Oh, my God.

Dr. K has a crush on me!

Yep!

Yep! That's it!

You... You... You cracked it.

Hey, yo! Who's the hottie with the
body in the middle of the sidewalk?

Oh, my God!

Wow! You have a
hover board? What's up?

That's so cool. What's up?

I haven't walked in weeks.

My pedometer thinks I'm dead.

Oh, yeah? I threw
my pedometer out

because it would not acknowledge
masturbation as exercise, so...

I don't know why my friends
ever hated you! Yeah, well.

I'm kidding. I appreciate
the effort you put in with them.

That was huge. Yeah, of course.

And I don't know what you did,

but the guys love you now.

Except for Marcus. But
Marcus hates everything.

I mean, he doesn't
like Matt Damon.

Ugh, I am so over Matt Damon.

Stop coasting on your good
looks and charm and talent.

Okay.

Can I try your hover board?

Yeah! Oh, for sure.

Really? Yeah.

All right. Super easy.

Basically, just step on light...

Ah-ah-ah! I think I'll be fine.

Sure, yeah.

Cool.

Whoa. I'm doing it.

Ah!

Babe.

It really hurts.
Yeah. I'm really sorry.

I've actually never seen anyone
fall off one of those before,

and I follow an Instagram
that's mostly dogs riding them.

Well, the truth is I have no balance
ever since I lost a swab in this ear.

Sure. Yeah. That'll do it.

Hey, whoa!

So, you're serious? Okay.

Sorry. I got you.

You okay?

Yeah. My hero.

I kind of miss being your hero.

Saving you from falling
off things constantly.

You're really good at it. Yeah.

What else am I good at?

You're good at kissing, too?

That's your line? Mmm-hmm.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

What?

What is that?

Pizza rat?

From last year?

It's like the hottest
viral video online.

That's on your skin permanently?

Had to get a tat.

Okay. Yeah.

"Vote for Pedro"?

It's from Napoleon Dynamite.

I mean, if they make
a Nappy-Dyno sequel,

it's going to be off the chain.

Okay.

I guess it's... It's your
body, your choice.

Hey, tonight, it's our body.

Oh, my God.

Is that a minion
dressed as Shrek?

You know it.

I'm so glad we're
giving this another shot.

Hey, M.L. You all right?

Did another one of your
celebrity crushes come out as gay?

None of my crushes are gay!

Matt Bomer is just raising three
kids with his male best friend!

Oh, all right.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong!
Everything's great.

Everything with Casey's great.

In fact, we're hanging
out tonight. Okay.

Casey invited me to his place.

We're going to sit on his
sofa and I'm going to watch

him play video games.

What more could a girl want?

Okay.

You sure you still want
to be dating Casey?

Yeah, man. He's hot as hell.

Okay? And he's rich
as hell. Mmm-hmm.

I hate him. He's so annoying.

Oh, Mindy.

He's like a Garbage Pail Kid.

Listen, backsliding is a
dangerous temptation.

And there's a reason English
kings used to behead their exes.

It sounds to me like
you need to cut him off.

Emotionally.

Don't you dare harm
him, he's perfect.

Thank you.

All right, water for me.
Grape soda for you.

Thanks. There you are.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Damn, Daniel! Oh.

Did you switch gym
bags with a hot model?

Can I have his number?

Thank you.

It's my first time wearing
a shirt with no buttons.

I keep worrying that it's
going to just fall right off,

but so far... It
looks real good.

No, no, no, no, no,
you're not sitting down yet.

Give me a little show.

I want to see the whole look.

There we are. Wow.

Dr. K, I got to talk to you.

Dr. L, I need to
speak to him in private.

What?

No. Say it in front of
me. I'm doing work.

I have an ingrown hair on my
ass that I need him to look at.

Cool, peace out.

Thank you. It hurts to sit.

Ah!

What the hell's
going on, Morgan?

Okay, listen to me.

Ashley is writing a blog

and she's telling everyone
everything you two are doing.

Well, that's all right. I've
been written about before.

Dear Abby advised five
different women to leave me.

Okay, so you don't mind
that she's telling everyone

that you talk about
Dr. L obsessively

and you're basically,
in love with her?

I don't talk about
Mindy all the time.

And even if I did, so what?

I talk about Obama all the time

and I am certainly
not in love with him.

It doesn't matter.
Ashley thinks you are.

And we're reading this
blog behind your back,

and Dr. L's going to find out.

I have to go set things
straight with Ashley right now.

You stay here. Okay, I will.

But, listen. Listen. Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. What?

I think you look really
great in your new outfit.

Morgan.

I don't have time for this.

Wow!

America's worst president just
became New York's best musical.

And you know
what? I think I'm finally

beginning to understand
theater etiquette.

You threw candy onstage.

Yuh-doi! To
show that I liked it!

Oh, Marcus!

Marcus! Hey, Jeremy.

Good to see you, man.

Honest opinion so
far, what do you think?

We are loving the show.

Yeah? And the idea to cast
Millard Fillmore as a woman?

Groundbreaking and important.

I thought so, too. Oh,
God, the merch line is...

Get me a Toblerone!

Hey.

Oh, okay. So...

I owe you an apology.

I was trying to be protective of
Casey, wound up acting like a real dick.

I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Since you guys got back
together he's like annoyingly happy.

Whoa, you guys
talk about that stuff?

Yeah. I thought
you just hung out

and watched skateboarding
videos, maybe kissed a little.

You are such a strange person.

I didn't know you had a kid.

I am completely wacked
for hating on a single mom.

You were probably raised
by a single mom, huh?

No.

My parents have been
married for about 40 years.

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

But it is hard
being a single mom.

In fact, I've often thought that
there should be a musical about me.

Really? You know?

"Lahiri."

I always thought Ariana
Grande could play me.

Nah, she's too
old, but you know.

Well, hopefully your musical
will be a little better than this one.

You think it's bad, too? Mmm.

Oh, thank God. Yeah, I only
invested as a tax write-off.

This is a total
rip-off of Hamilton.

Only our lead character
was really a crappy person

who literally
started the Civil War.

Well, there we go.

Best of luck, surviving Act Two.

Okay. I'll see you inside.

Bye.

Hmm.

Look at me right now.

I'm a Buchanan Boy!

How much did you spend on that?

Five hundred.
Would've spent 1000.

Let's take our seats.

I demand you
take down that post.

And if you don't, I will need to
speak to your manager at the Internet.

Every word in there is true.

If I wanted to lie, I'd
go back to my old job

predicting travel
times at Google Maps.

Why would I have
feelings for Mindy?

She is rude, she is unladylike,

her political views
are incoherent

and her hands are
bigger than mine.

You sure can rattle
off those reasons.

Well, if I wanted
to ask her out,

I'd just walk in there and
ask her out. I'm not shy.

I asked Andie MacDowell
to my prom and she said yes.

I almost got to third base.

Why don't I read it to you?

"I couldn't even tell
Colonel Suspenders

"about my day
without him launching

"into a story about
his co-worker.

"The sad fact is he lights
up more when he complains

"about how this woman
misuses the intercom system

"than he does any time
that he looks at me."

Well, "Guys, I'm bored." It's
not a proper work announcement.

Her squeaky little voice
comes over the intercom...

Ah...

You might have a point.

You still want me
to take it down?

I can't in good conscience
ask you to do that.

If she reads it, she reads it.

It's all true.

Except for that one part
here where, um... My jacket

is, uh, houndstooth,
not herringbone. Oh!

I'll change that. Thank you.

See you.

Mindy, I need to
confess something.

What are you doing on the floor?

Did your hip give out again?

Of course it did.

My bones are dust.
I've never had milk.

Mindy.

But I'm here
because I'm sad. Oh.

Well, I never pass up an opportunity
to sit criss-cross applesauce.

Why don't you tell
me what's going on?

Oh, God.

Jody, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I don't think things are
gonna work out with Casey.

But he's as not right
for me as he was before.

Well, things aren't exactly
working out well with Ashley either.

What's crazy is that the person
I'm falling for makes even less sense.

Can you close the door?

I can't stop thinking about him.

He's actually a grown-up.
And I think we have a spark.

But I can't ask him out.

It's... It's Marcus.
It's Casey's friend.

Okay. Well, I guess I should go.

Don't forget to take your
calcium supplements.

I'm afraid you might shatter.

Wait, that's it?
Hold on. Hold on.

Help me up. Where
are you off to? Uh...

What, you got a hot
date or something

with a model that arrived
in a shipping crate?

No, actually, I've, uh...

I'm taking a self-imposed
break from romance for a while.

Oh. She was on
top and she bent it.

Why is your first assumption
always something gross and sexual?

What? It's not my fault.

I was raised on Three's Company.

Wow.

You really came
to see this again?

Nobody should have
to see this many raps

about white people.

It's actually worse
the second time

because now I understand it.

Yeah. Uh, did you
come with Casey

or... I didn't...
Didn't see him.

Casey and I actually broke up.

Oh.

Partly because of
something you said.

What? That he's thinking
about giving up drinking?

What? No.

Although that definitely
would have ended it.

No, you were right.

In order for us to work, I
would've had to change

everything about myself
or everything about him.

But there was a bigger issue.

I like his friend.

Mmm. Jace?

Huh? Trace?

No. Me?

Okay, don't "me" me.

I invented "me."

You knew it was you.

I... I had no idea.

Come on. No clue.

Hey, do you want to, um...

Maybe skip the second
act and get out of here?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Let's go.

This is the worst thing to
happen to theaters since Lincoln.

Ah, see? You do know history.

Oh, no. I'm talking
about the movie.

Oh. Ah! So boring.

Daniel Day-Lewis is,
like, barely naked in it.

Oh, so nudity... For
our Union I'll deploy

For I am a proud Buchanan Boy!

Mindy?

Mindy?