The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 18 - Bernardo & Anita - full transcript

Blind dates are so much
fun, so much mystery.

You were no mystery at all.

When I looked you up online,

there were lots of
pictures. Mmm-hmm.

Most were from a
Botox testimonial.

Mmm! Not the face kind,

the armpit-sweating kind.

Best thing I ever did.

Ten years ago, no way I
could've worn this dress.

Just dripping sweat.

You know, it's funny.



You're the first Indian guy
I've ever gone on a date with.

No, I'm serious.

I don't think I know any
Indian people, except my family.

Oh, does West Indian count?

Because I was in a steel
drum band for a while.

That's kind of strange,
don't you think? I know.

A 30-year-old woman,
single, in a steel drum band.

It was weird.

No, I mean that you don't
know any Indian people.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, do you hang out
with a lot of Indian people?

Yeah, actually.

I was in an Indian
fraternity at Berkeley,

I go to temple once a month,



and I came in second in
the National Spelling Bee.

I lost on "xanthosis."

I also lost a spelling bee,

when I misspelled my
last name on the entry form.

I guess I just identify
culturally as Indian.

You know, because I am one.

Oh, me too.

I identity as Indian,
too. Big time.

What part of India
are your parents from?

I want to say there's like, a
river there and some tigers?

Don't quote me on that.

And this, on the right, is
where the magic happens.

Uh, actually, Criss Angel sublets
one of the apartments upstairs.

Really? Yeah.

Okay.

Huh.

Um... Oh...

Oh. Uh, sorry.

You were supposed to
catch me with your lips.

Uh, I'm sorry. I just don't
really see this going anywhere.

I did! I only had five
garlic knots at dinner

because I thought we
were going to make out.

I mean, yeah, I brought
home a bag with me, but still.

Look. Being Indian is a
really important part of my life.

More than CrossFit, even.

And I need it to be
important to the person I date.

Are you saying I'm not
Indian enough for you?

Um, Mindy, I think
you're really nice.

Scratch that. I think
you're really uninhibited.

But I don't think
I can date a...

A pescatarian? I
made that all up.

I hate fish. I eat
meat all the time.

No, no, I don't think
I can date a coconut.

Is it because I'm covered in
tiny hairs and I fall out of trees?

That's mean!

No, because you're brown on
the outside, and white on the inside.

I got to go.

Night, pal.

He's already asleep.

Can you believe that?

Hey, were you chewing
gum around him?

The other day, Leo was
like, "Dada, gum, gum."

Nah, that's probably
just like baby babble.

Yeah.

Um, I just want to
ask you a question.

I want to take Leo with me
on a trip this summer to Italy.

For how long?

Just a week.

A week is the longest that
I've ever been away from him.

I know. I just...

I want him to see
where he came from.

I tracked down
some third cousins.

And, Mindy, they work
in a parmesan factory.

A parmesan factory. Min!

Parmesan cheese
is my favorite cheese.

I thought you liked brie!

I... I, yeah, but look,

it's still a really
worthwhile trip!

He's very young to be
exposed to those naked statues.

He already has the perv gene.

I got him a passport already.

Would you look at this guy?

What a handsome boy.

I just want his first
stamp to be Italy.

Please?

Okay. Yes, he can go.

Thank you.

That is great. I'm
really happy about this.

But I need to Skype with him
every single day. Of course.

And I want one of those
photos where it looks like

he's holding up the
Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Jody, let me ask you something.

Obviously, I have
the ass of a Dominican

and the giant jugs
of a Jewish girl.

But you think of
me as Indian, right?

Honestly, I think of
you as a white man.

Largely because of
your entitlement. What?

Mmm-hmm. Oh. Damn it.

Oh, I meant it as a compliment.

Oh! Oh.

Chelsea! Oh.

We slept together and I
cried before and afterwards?

Yeah, yeah, Mindy's
co-worker. Yeah, yeah, uh-huh...

Yeah, she promised
you wouldn't be here.

She said that?

You left a permanently gray
body shape in my bed sheet.

I was real sick when we had sex.

That's comforting.

I'm better now. All right.

Uh... Go, go, I'll see you

in a little bit. See
you in a little bit.

You have really beautiful eyes.

That left one
in particular is...

It's a great eye.

What an unnerving
way to talk to a stranger.

Morgan Tookers.

I'm Ashley. Hi.

Your hand is sticky.

I had some chocolate
and it melted, and I licked it.

It's not urine.

Ashley, could I have
your phone number?

You know, I'm a little too
busy for dating right now.

This would be a
very fast date. Yeah.

Like... Like... Like...
Like ten minutes.

That's all I can afford!

Okay. I'm going to
give you my email.

I'm going to give
you my work email.

Hold on. Here you go.

Here, here, here, look at that.

You write down some way
of getting in touch with you

and I will find you. Okay.

I will find you
and I will kill you.

It's from Taken.
It's from Taken.

Here you go.

I'm going to go
email you. A lot.

Right now! Okay.

Oh. I'm sorry. Oh.

Oh, please, don't be.

My word.

What is your name?

I'm Ashley.

I'm charmed. Jody.

Do you want to go
talk somewhere?

Yes, I do.

MINDY: Hey, Rishi,

we're both super Indian, right?

Nah, you think you're
white and I think I'm black.

We skipped over
that whole steez.

Hey! How is that possible?

Mom and Dad are super Indian.

I mean, they have a
servant who they're mean to.

Because we were brats!

I mean, it's not our fault.

We grew up in the whitest place
on the planet, suburban Boston.

Well, that might be true
for you but not for me.

I'm not just some white guy trapped
in the body of an Indian model.

We represent a new
kind of Indian-American.

Ones with literally
zero roots to our past.

Your bear claws.

Thank you.

Hey, Neel. Don't hang up.

When I said I didn't
see this going anywhere,

that meant I am
not interested in you.

I don't want to date. I just
want to prove I'm not a coconut.

Look, I don't have a lot
of Indian people in my life,

but I haven't denied my roots.

I'm Indian!

All right, look. I was going to
run some errands after work.

If you really want to talk, I guess you
can tag along to the department store while

I get a humidifier.
Yes, I would love that.

That would be great.

And while I'm there, I can pick
up one of those sodastream things.

I find that traditional
canned soda

doesn't contain the
amount of sugar I like, so I...

Hello?

Hello, Neel? Okay.

That was such a nice date.

It's rare to find a real
gentleman in New York.

Well, it's rare to
find a lady, too.

Usually if I open a
door for a woman,

I'm accused of being
an "enemy of feminism."

I had a really nice night.

And to think it's
just getting started.

There's something that I
have to tell you about me.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Oh.

So, you never?

I'm just old-fashioned
in all sorts of ways. Oh.

I even have a landline.

You could come
in and make a call.

Oh, well, uh... It has
been a nice evening,

but I have to work
in the morning,

and I'm sure you have several layers
of flannel nightgown to put on, so.

Okay. It's not the first
time I've had that reaction.

It's just once I get
my engine going,

there's a certain momentum.

We're good.

Neel, I am also a
child of immigrants.

Just because I was
blonde for several years

and I insisted on
having a Bat Mitzvah,

that does not mean that I
am not as Indian as you.

Okay, have you
ever been to India?

What? Get eaten
by a snake? No way.

Hey, there. I'm Linda.

Do you and your
husband need a basket?

Oh, we're not married.

We don't even know
each other very well.

That's too bad!

You would make
a beautiful family.

Thanks, Linda. Thanks.

Why do white people love
seeing people of other races

date within their race so much?

I think it's because it's segregation
that they can feel good about.

They're like, "See?
They wanted it!"

"Isn't this easier
for everyone?"

It's not really your fault.

Your parents
assimilated so completely,

you've abandoned your heritage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal!

Immigrants are supposed
to assimilate, all right?

Like, Barack Obama
when he came from Kenya

or Ted Cruz when
he came from Canada.

When my parents came here,
they made sure we lived in a

town with a large
Indian population,

where we could keep
our traditions alive.

Oh, my God, this is
like West Side Story!

You are Bernardo.

I'm Anita!

You're like, "I
hate this country.

"The women are loose and
the gringos are mean to us!"

And I'm like, "I
love this country!

"Let's turn up the
A/C and let's dance!"

Yeah, well, you should
consider yourself lucky.

When you're Anita,
white dudes love you.

But when you're Bernardo,
they stab you in the street.

Remember Officer Krupke?

He hated Bernardo.

Okay, relax.

No cop has ever, ever
arrested an Indian man.

Well, congrats.

You just made your
first Indian friend.

Hey, my friends Anisha and
Ravi are having a dinner this week.

You should come.

There will be some
cool Indian people there.

All Indian people. Okay!

Like A.P. Calculus. I'm in.

Hey! Oh, dear God.

Sorry.

Well, don't you look like
the cat who ate the canary.

I got myself a little
thing called a date. Ah.

Remember that cute girl,
Ashley, from the party?

It's on.

I emailed her like 50
times until she just gave up.

Let me save you some trouble.

Stay away. She wants to
remain a virgin till marriage.

She's a virgin? Yeah.

You know what, she's
a pretty girl who likes me

and that happens very rarely.

Well, do what you
like. But it'll never work.

A man has certain
needs. I'm not an animal.

You like to eat
out of the trash.

Sometimes I see food in
the trash that I want to eat

and I take it out and I put
it on the table and eat it.

Or I'll eat it off the floor.

Like an animal. Okay,

how many animals
you know wear scrubs?

One. You know what?

I believe in a little
thing called love.

And it's not about
sex. It's about love.

I've never had the
moral high ground before.

It's kind of making
me a little dizzy.

Oh, dear God. Oh, God.

Oh!

Hello. Good morning.

I have an erotic announcement.

I told you, we're not
doing those anymore.

If he gets to, I get to.
And mine's a doozy.

I went out with
Ashley again last night.

And we had some pretty
hot one-on-one abstinence.

All right, Morgan. You
can stop the charade.

You've made your point.

It's just that celibacy
really agrees with me.

It keeps me centered.
It keeps me grounded.

All the goo that's kind
of just been building up

inside of me, it helps me focus.

I think it's thoughtful of Morgan
not to have sex with this woman.

Thank you, Tamra.

Especially, considering that sex with
Morgan is not that bomb of an experience.

Hey, Morgan, I know that we agreed to
let you have a life outside of serving me,

however, I need you to
babysit my son tonight.

Yes, I can do that, my queen.

Jody, will you come with
me to a dinner party tonight?

There is going to be a
lot of Indian people there,

and I cannot be
the whitest person.

Will there be non-Indian
food available?

No, and it's probably
going to make you real sick.

I could eat before.

I explicitly told you not
to bring alcohol to this.

I don't know if they're
Muslim or my kind of Indian!

What... What's your kind?

I don't know! The kind that
gets crazy and turned up.

Oh, hey! You must be Mindy!

Come on in!

Hi!

Ravi, come here.

Oh, I love your kurta.

Oh, thanks.

You are dressed regular.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hello. I'm Jody.

I brought this. I'm sorry.

Thank you. Dalmore Whiskey?

This stuff is dope.

Nish, this is what they serve at
that new bottle keep in Bushwick.

Oh, God, babe. Yeah.

Don't bore them with
your dumb hipster stories.

I had to stop bringing
this guy to SoulCycle

because he would not
stop talking about getting

butter coffee
afterwards. So good.

That's from both
of us. Thank you.

My parents were so excited
when I brought home Anisha.

All the girls he dated before
me were Hispanic, so...

As you know, there is
no racism as strong as

Asian-on-other-minority racism.

Oh, my God, yes!
The race pyramid.

Japanese is on
the top, of course,

and at the bottom
is... You know what?

I'll... I'll just tweet
about it later, but...

We met in grad school.

Anand was doing
his Ph.D. in physics.

My parents freaked out when they
found out we were living together.

I was 32.

Oh, please. I have a
baby. I'm not married.

My parents are not
happy about that.

Well, to be fair, I think parents
of any race find that shameful.

So.

That reminds me, my mom texted
me earlier. I should text her back.

Oh, my gosh. Sorry, me too.

Shoot, me too.

Yep.

"Where are you? Are you safe?"

"I hope Anand isn't drinking.

"I noticed he had two
beers last time I saw him."

My tailor's Indian!

"Oh, Mister Jody, your 42-long
will be ready this Thursday."

Hmm?

Don't do that. Don't do
that. No, no, don't do that.

But they were all doing it.

It's not the same.
It's not the same.

Oh.

Oh. Hey.

Your son is so cute.

She's actually a girl. Parvati.

We just shaved her
hair off a few days ago.

Was she bad?

I love hearing about
new punishments.

No, for her Mundan ceremony.

Hindu babies do
it at one-year-old,

to shed their past lives
and to move into their future.

It's like when I tore out my ratchet
extensions to say goodbye to my skanky 20s.

You should do one for Leo.

Oh, I don't think so.
My ex is pretty Catholic.

He says a whole rosary
whenever the pope gets on a plane.

Why can't you do both traditions
and see which one he likes better?

Will it be the guilt-based
Christian denomination where

you have to sit for an
hour for a sip of wine?

Or the awesome Indian
one where you literally get to

ride a horse into your wedding?

Anisha, that is so
sneaky. Mmm-hmm!

I love it.

Thank you for walking me home.

It was actually kind of cool

hanging out with
those Indian people.

I guess immigration
isn't all bad.

Last time I was the only
white person in the room was

the theater where I saw
Madea's Family Reunion.

That is a very talented actress.

You know, I was actually thinking that I
would have a Mundan ceremony for Leo.

Oh, I'm glad. It's important for a
boy to be exposed to his heritage.

Is that a woman? My God.

Did Leo bring home a girl?

Oh, oh, oh!

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God! MORGAN: Oh, God!

Morgan, are you having sex?

With Chelsea?

Oh, God.

Hold on, hold on, hold
on, it's not what you think.

On Moo-Cow?

Oh, my God, you're dead. No, no.

Stop it! You are dead!

I should go.

No, no, don't go! Don't
go. Don't. You know what?

Morgan, as usual,
this never happened.

I'll see you at
yoga. I hate myself.

I love you so much.
I'm going to call you.

This is the most disgusting thing
that has ever happened on my sofa.

What did I tell you, Morgan?
Men have certain needs, don't they?

Dating a virgin is
just... It's very tough.

My penis got lonely and it
reached out and it found...

Mmm. A warm...

Okay, we know
what it found, okay?

Well, now you're...
You're going to have to

tell Ashley that it's over.

Actually, I don't. I've
thought about this

and I'm going to do the
honorable thing and ghost.

No. No, you're not.

It's true all men are animals,

but some can be gentlemen.

You're going to
come clean to this girl

and you need to make your penis
flaccid when you're talking to me.

Oh, crap.

No!

Morgan? Jody?

Hello, Ashley. Morgan has
something he'd like to say to you.

Ashley,

I've joined the
army to go fight ISIS.

Ow!

Okay. All right. Fine.

I slept with my boss's
baby's father's neighbor.

What?

Morgan, I thought
you were different.

I was willing to look past all
the rashes, all the ingrown hairs.

You're just like everybody else.

Listen, you and
I can hold hands,

and we can talk and
canoodle and kiss

and I'll have sex with her.

No. Just go.

And don't you dare look through
my dumpster on the way out.

Uh, Ashley, I'd like
to say a few words.

What? It will come
as no surprise to you

that men are scum. It's true.

But it doesn't mean we
can't try to be a little better.

A dirty old tree can reach
its branches upwards

for a hundred years
and never touch the sun.

But it means
something that it tries to.

I'm sorry we've bothered you.

It's so nice that you're here to
join me for the Mundan ceremony.

Ramesh the priest will be
performing the ceremony.

Just met him a
couple of minutes ago,

but he's a really cool guy

and he is the highest-rated
Hindu priest on Yelp.

Oh!

A few questions. Tell us some
things about the ceremony.

The more detail, the better.

Okay. Ramesh, take it away!

I only speak Hindi.

I'm sorry? Ramesh,
you only speak Hindi?

Okay. You just
lost a star from me.

I'll look it up.

According to Hinduism,

hair from birth is associated with
undesirable remnants of past lives.

Leo had a past life?

Who was he? Was he a cat?

Because I'm allergic.

He obviously was not a cat.

Mindy,

why don't you explain what
the ceremony means to you?

Look, guys, I just don't want
my kid to learn how to be Indian

from a Bombay Palace
menu on my fridge, okay?

So, please, enough questions,

and can we start this
beautiful cleansing ceremony?

Let's do it. Okay.

My, man. Thanks, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi, baby.

Is this okay?

I'm not sure this
is legal. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, don't.

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Dr. L, you know I
am no fan of Leo,

but this is too
much, even for me.

Shut up, Morgan. It's important!

It's okay to hurt babies
if it's for a religion.

This is bad. I'm
having flashbacks.

That thing could...

Okay, you know
what? That's all right.

That's all right. We don't
need to do this anymore.

This is over. I'm
really sorry that

this ceremony
was such a disaster.

It's okay. I'm going to go.

Um, thanks so much, guys. Sorry.

No, no, no, I think she's
right, but the party's not over.

The party's not over. Hey-oh!

Ceremony's still going on.

Hey!

See? Still happening.

All right.

A little bit off the top,
maybe, right there.

And then we'll do
a little faux-hawk.

Leo's pissed at
you, but he's fine.

He's playing in his crib.

I tried to do this nice Indian
thing I didn't understand,

and everybody knew.

And now my son hates
it and he looks insane.

Neel was right. I'm a coconut.

What is a coconut?

Brown on the outside,
white on the inside.

That's actually kind of clever.

Cadbury Egg would also work.

I'm jealous how proud other
people are of their heritage.

Look at the Puerto
Ricans and the Irish.

I want to get drunk and have
a parade and beat people up.

It was our decision to
raise you to be American.

Mmm-hmm. We love America.

That's why we came here.

You're a grand old flag
You're a high-flyin' flag

Ah, ah! Please, Sonu, please.

You know, Mindy,

I'm very happy you
want to be more Indian.

We weren't sure that
you would ever want that.

Well, it's too late. I
don't understand it.

My son hates it.

Just because the baby cried?

The baby always cries!

Listen, we're still traumatized
from when we did it to you.

You used the "F" word

and everybody gasped.

When we shaved
your brother's head,

you freaked out and bit
the priest to protect him.

I did that?

Yeah, well, that was the last
nice thing you ever did for me.

Hey. I paid for your
college education.

To Stanford.

It's not even a
top-100 party school.

You make us so proud every day.

If that isn't Indian, I
don't know what is.

I love my Indian family.

Love you. Love you. Sweetheart.

Hold up.

The doctor gets all the love,

but what about the
receptionist-slash-mixtape D.J.?

Rishi. Come here. Come here.

You get nothing. You
get nothing. Come here.

I'm coming in,
baby. I'm coming in.

Oh!

His name is Leo, like DiCaprio.

Ah, what happened?

Oh, uh, this.

My son bit me.

Ah. When we were
shaving his head.

And he actually
kicked me in the breast,

which is why they look
so swollen right now.

I don't even think he's going
to remember any of this.

Well, we will.

And we'll all be
able to tell him.

And, for the record, I no longer
think of you as a white man.

I think of you as an Indian man.

Thanks, Jody.

Pardon me.

Mindy!

Where the hell is Leo's
hair? Where'd it go?

Well, if we're going
to go down that path,

where the hell is his foreskin?

It's in a locket around Ma's
neck with mine. You know that.

We both decided
circumcision would be fine.

No! You decided that.

And I went along with it because
I didn't have a strong opinion

and you were obsessed
with circumcised penises.

Obsessed? Me?

I think all penises are great.

Cut, un-cut, long, thick, black.

Okay, stop talking
about penises!

But I do have a strong
opinion about this.

I invited you to the ceremony.
Why didn't you come?

The ceremony? I thought it was a

four-hour Indian
dinner with your parents.

I mean, every other week
it's like something else.

Snake Festival, the
elephant this-or-that.

Oh, because Catholics
are totally normal.

I know that our
son is half-white,

but he is also half-Indian.

And just because I wasn't raised
to think about that stuff that much,

it doesn't mean
that he shouldn't.

I mean, maybe he'll want to
grow up and be some guido

who only dates
Puerto Rican girls

and I will support that, Danny.

But isn't it up to me to show
him the Indian stuff, too?

I mean, I'm his mom.

Okay.

Okay? You make good points.

I make good points?

Out of all the stuff that I'm worried
about you passing down to Leo,

being Indian is not
one of them, okay?

Diabetes? Sure. Yeah.

Pathological
superficiality, definitely.

But not Indian.

Thank you for being
so understanding.

And I should've asked you
before I shaved his head.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Thank you. You look pretty.

Speaking of which, I kept
his hair in a little baggy for you.

Little Castellano curls. Yeah?

I need you to drop
them in a river in India.

What?

Yeah, the dad is
supposed to do it.

You know what you could do
on your way back from Italy?

Just drop by the Ganges.

Just drop by the Ganges? Yeah.

It's just not that
easy. I got...

I'm gonna have my
third cousins with me.

We can't just all drop by
the Ganges. They can go.