The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Devil Wears Lands' End - full transcript

Mindy gets herself and Danny into trouble when she tries to fix the practice's image in the eyes of the hospital's new head of obstetrics. Meanwhile, Peter puts his grudge against Jeremy aside when he discovers that his colleague's beer pong skills could help him beat TV creator Shonda Rhimes (guest-starring as herself), the reigning Dartmouth Alumni Match champion.

(Mindy) I think that was
the best wedding I've ever been to.

The bride was older than me
and she weighed more than me.

Did you notice that?

I still don't think
we should've brought

a gift to a second wedding.

You know?
It's rewarding failure.

[Police sirens]

Oh, no.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

(Danny) This is why
I should've driven.

(Mindy) You had four drinks.



Yeah, but drunk me
is safer than sober you.

Relax. I've been
pulled over a hundred times,

and I've never once gotten a ticket.
How?

The way I get out
of everything...

Lying and crying.

Okay, fine.

Officer, the reason
we were speeding

is because we were rushing away

from this devastating funeral

of a very close friend
of ours who died.

And the funeral had
a photo booth...

With prop moustaches?

[Fake sobbing]

You know what?



Just give me a ticket.

I can't have a baby!

Calm down!
Look, look, look!

Calm down, I'll cut you a break.

I'll cut you a break.
Really?

You remind me of the demented
aunt that raised me.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Drive safe.

[Crying] Thank you.
You're such a good guy.

And that is how it's done.

You're going to hell.

For that little performance,

don't you think
I deserve a reward?

(Mindy) Oh, my God.

Whoa, Nelly.

Ma'am, you've been parked in
the turnpike for 15 minutes.

Sir, what's that
around your neck?

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

(Mindy) I gotta learn.

My frat buddy, pube, is dead.

Both: What?
He's dead to me.

Because his dad is dead.

And he's gotta go
to the funeral,

making him unavailable
to be my partner

at the Dartmouth alumni
beer-pong tournament.

I could be your partner.

I'm basically a frat guy.

You know why?
'Cause I love drinking,

and I hate nerds.
Bop!

I'm cool.
No, he's cool.

It was funny 'cause like
it's so not true.

Thank you, but there's
no chicks allowed.

Plus, I need a partner
that's really good

to beat last year's champion...

Shonda rhimes, class of '91.

Wait, I thought you just said
that no chicks were allowed.

Yeah, but she's
successful like a man.

[Phones chime, vibrate]

Jeremy: "Where are you all?

I'm really panicked,
if you can't tell."

Oh no, we're supposed
to be meeting

the new department chief
at the hospital right now.

I told Jeremy
if he ever wants me

to go anywhere,
he has to trick me

into believing that Pharrell
is doing a meet-and-greet.

[Phones chime, vibrate]

Jeremy:
"You're not going to believe this,

but Pharrell just showed up."
Holy moly.

Come on, let's go, babe!
Peter!

Now that I've described
my vision for the hospital,

a little about me.

Dr. Jean fishman,
formerly of mass general,

where I ran a very tight ship.

But I'm not here
to make friends...

Oh, no, no, no.

[Whispering]
I am here to make babies.

[Thud]

[Whispers] Sorry.

So glad you guys could make it.

I hope it wasn't
too much trouble.

Oh, relax, we're like
the first people here.

Mm...
Almost 16 minutes late.

You're lucky I don't know
what practice you're from.

Oh, we work
at Shulman & Associates.

Established in 2003.
A safe place for women.

May I continue?

Of course. It's weird
I'm talking at all.

Shut up.
Ow!

As I was saying,
there are certain reforms

that I wanna put
in place immediately...

[Ringtone: Iggy azalea's
fancy plays]

What the hell is that?

♪ I'm in the fast lane ♪

♪ from L.A. to Tokyo ♪

It's my... it's my phone.

I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna turn it off.

Just hold this, please.

Good thing it's
a good song though, right?

[Shulman associates murmuring]

[Song continues]
Okay, I'm just, I'm just...

There's just too much in here.

There's too much in here,
so I think the best thing

is just probably
just let it run its course.

Please continue.

[Iggy azalea's fancy continues]

(Jeremy) Kudos, Mindy.

You've really done it this time.

I just received
the new hospital schedule,

and Dr. Fishman has given us

the graveyard slot
for all of our procedures.

Oh, no, I can't do a c-section
at 11:00 P.M. on a Sunday.

With a gut full of ma's lasagn?

(Jeremy) We need to fix this,
partners.

Ideas, please, come on.
[Snapping]

I have an idea.

A sincere apology
and a promise to do better.

I'm sorry, what're...
What're you doing here, buddy?

Oh, he's shadowing me.
It's legit.

It's legit, like how?

Look, I can't help
but feel partly responsible

for this.
[Loudly] Because it's your...

[Lowers voice]
Because it's your fault.

That's probably why.

It's 100% on your shoulders.

Okay, you don't all
have to gang up against me.

All right?
That's actually against the law.

Leave her alone.
Thank you.

Okay, so what are we gonna do?

I think I have
a pretty great idea.

I'm gonna take Dr. Fishman out

for a night on the town.
What?

You know, girls love me!
We'll gab, we'll hang out

at the spa,
I'll tell her she's hot.

She'll tell me I'm hotter.

Boom-shacka-lacka...
We're best friends.

It's not a bad idea.

It's a good idea.

[Fancy ringtone plays]
Both: Mindy!

♪ You already know ♪
(Jeremy) Have you learned nothing?

Oh, my God, that is me.

[Knock at door]

Hey!

Dr. Fishman!

I didn't say come in.

It's... it's cool.

This is a great office!

What do you want?

I brought you this
apology cactus.

Because you think I'm prickly?

No! Cactuses might seem prickly,

but really, deep down,
they're little gentle creatures...

Ow... stupid bitch!

Oh, God.

Ugh. Um, do you have
like a band-aid?

Listen, if you think that cactus

is going to get you a
better schedule, forget it.

Okay, look, I know we got off

on the wrong foot,
and that's a real shame.

'Cause you and I?
We're just two cool women

trying to make our way
in this female-dominated industry.

What do you want from me,

other than what you
obviously want from me?

I don't know.

I just wanna get
to know you better.

You seem cool,
you're new to town,

and I was named
"New York's it-girl"

by a magazine that I made
at the carnival.

Hmm, well, it's true, I don't
know New York that well.

I've been spending every night

at the Statue of Liberty
because I assume

that's what people do.

What'd you have in mind?

I have no idea,
because I did not think

I would get this far.

But it is gonna blow your mind.

It's gonna be like
a thousand times better

than this cactus.

Just wear comfy clothes
and don't bring any cash,

'cause I got you covered.

And, uh, yeah,
it's gonna be awesome.

Love you... I mean...

I will grow to love you,

and you will grow to love me.

Okay, we're gonna start
nice and easy.

Lemons in a bucket.

It's all about touch.

Whoo!
See?

Got it.
Watch this.

It's all about touch.

(Peter) See,
that was like a lot of touch.

Have you ever
thrown anything before?

Yeah, man.

I mean, I've dropped stuff.

Peter, I know
we've had our fair share

of ups-and-downs
since I started dating Lauren,

but... I could be
your beer-pong partner.

[Laughs mockingly]

I actually have amazing aim.

As a child, it was my job to
put ice in father's drink.

And if I got too close,
he would swat at me.

Okay, Oliver,
these stories are getting so...

Okay, you know,
it's not about making it.

It's about technique.

All right, already!

Clearly, you have an affinity

for throwing small objects
into small glasses.

Peter, we used to be
such good chums.

We did used to share
a work toothbrush.

We did?
Yeah, we all did!

We did?

Okay, okay, okay, watch this.

I sink this... muah...

You and I are partners.

Hah...

So I guess we're partnered up.

Great, another activity
I'm excluded from.

Well, this is me.

Whoa!
Swank.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I really had a good time.

Even when you tried to dance
with those kids on the subway.

Yeah, they really hated it.

They hated it.

It hurt my feelings, actually.

We gotta do this again
soon though.

Cool.

Oh...

Hmm, a beetle.

Oh, thanks.

That means good luck!

[Both chuckle awkwardly]

Mindy, amazing news.

Jean has taken us
off the graveyard shift.

Thank you so much.

I'm so happy that it worked out.

In other news: I think I'm gay.
What?

Well, of course he's gay.
He's dating Dr. C.

Mindy, you're not gay.

You asked me to help you mail
yourself to Chris hemsworth.

Yeah, well, last night Dr. Fishman
kissed me on the mouth.

Wait... what?

Danny, I'm so sorry.
It didn't mean anything.

[Whispers] Did you like it?

Danny Castellano!

[Whispers] It's okay if you did.

No, you perv!

So what?
So you had a gay experience.

We all have gay experiences.

Yeah, I once kissed
my cousin sheena

to get invited onto
air force two.

Sure, and if I run across
one of Richie's meat Mags,

I flip through it,
check out the competition.

Is that... normal to do?

Yeah, you always wanna make
sure that you're stacking up.

All right, what did Jean say

when you told her
you were straight?

I didn't tell her.

And now, Jean has a case of
Mindy fever, and we all know

there ain't no cure for that.

Wait a minute,
you didn't tell her the truth?

And she won't tell her.
Okay?

I can't go back to
3:00 A.M. deliveries.

Mindy, can't you continue
being a lesbian

for the good of the group?

I could just be her friend
platonically

until she gets sick of me...

That usually happens really fast.
Mm-hmm.

Okay, you're all over the place.

[Ringtone: Divinyls' I Touch Myself
plays] Oh, my God, that's her.

Take care of this.

That's the ringtone you gave her?
Yeah.

Oh, hello, Jean.

Dinner tonight?

[Whispering] No. No. Yes!

Yes!
Absolutely not!

I can't, because
I have plans to stay home

and catch up on my shaving.

Why don't you come over?

[Whispering] Don't... Yes!

Um, uh, I guess
you could come over.

And I don't know like,
bring a bottle of wine

and we can like
curl up by the fire.

Bye!
She's done this before.

Did you just say,
"curl up by the fire"?

That snowballed rather quickly.

Well, what do you think?

Do I look like
a beer-pong champion?

First off, never twirl again.

Right.

Secondly, I kinda like it.

You look normal.

Thank you.

I even "pre-gamed"
as you recommended.

A very subtle Pinot Grigio.

Oh, that reminds me!

You need a whole new
personality.

And a nickname.

I played Ophelia
in boarding school.

Barf.
Your name is Barf.

(Peter) This is sloppy seconds.

This is Al Bundy.

That's Ted Bundy.

That's my friend, mlk.

Hey, what's up, Lefty?

Yo, crotch rot, look who's here.

(Crotch rot) Hey Lefty,
what's happenin'?

How are ya?

Why's your nickname Lefty?

Um, I sprained
my wrist as a freshman

when I was yankin' it,
and that story kinda went viral

through campus, so it's like...

Hey, Lefty, remember me?

Andrew Freeman, class of '97?

Ceo of sploderz
pornographic website.

That's right, these are the guys

that put Mindy's sex tape
online.

How's everything
at my dream job?

Never better.

In fact, the profits
are allowing us

to give back through our charity

that parachutes porn
into north Korea.

Operation: Pee-ong bang.

[Laughter]

Zachary Freeman.

I don't believe we have met.

You here for the tournament?

Oh, uh, um, my buddy doesn't...

He's kind of quiet.

[American accent] Hey, dudes.

Barf's the name.
Beer-pong's my game.

Okay, bro, I love that!

What frat?

Please, is there more than one?

Sigma nu?

Yeah.

Yeah, that is the one.

That is the one, me too.

Don't think
I remember you though, bro.

Oh, um...

I had to take three years off.

Sexual harassment thing.

Yeah...

I think I was at a fundraiser

for your defense.

It was the booze cruise
that capsized.

Ah, that was a great party.

Wah-hoo-wah!

Both: Wah-hoo-wah!

All: Yeah!

Andrew: All right, Lefty,
Barf, great to see you guys.

Good luck in the tournament.

Thanks, bros.

We'll see you bros on the ice.

Yeah.

Hey, Lefty, grab me a brewksi.

I gotta hit the can.

(Mindy) Danny,
I am having trouble finding a dress

that I don't look tempting in.

Hey.
Whoa.

Okay, you're flirting
with your reflection again.

Cut it out.

I don't think you should
hang out with Jean tonight.

You have to face
the consequences now, okay?

It's better to do that
than to keep up this lie.

Look what happened with Cliff.

Danny, I hate
facing consequences.

That's why I haven't opened
my mail in like two years.

Yeah, I know you love
your little white lies.

But it's one thing to hole-punch

your own frequent yogurt card.

It's another thing to mess
with someone's heart.

Fine.
I will tell the truth.

But I'm never coming clean
about my looting during Sandy.

Good. Now get out of that dress

and put on that ugly sweat
suit I keep throwing out.

Let's go set
the record straight.

Fine.

(Announcer)
If Lefty sinks this shot

he'll unseat reigning champ,
shonda rhimes

and move into the finals.

Sink it dude!
Sink it for America.

For the troops.
For freedom!

I got it.

[Cheering]

Woo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, yeah!

What's up, shonda?

Am I the new mayor
of shonda-land?

Great game, Lefty.
You still got it.

[British accent]
Oh, my God, shonda rhimes,

I am obsessed with...
Dude.

What's up? I'm Barf.
Scandal's my jam.

Thanks. You know,
writing's how I pay the bills,

but my passion is beer-pong.

Naturally.

Lefty, I heard your good news.

You're dating
that brain surgeon?

Oh, uh, pfft, Lauren?

We're not actually
together anymore.

But it's okay, I mean,

I hardly even cry
about her in the tub.

She left your hairy ass,
didn't she, Lefty?

Oh, it happened again?

You know, this time,
we broke up mutually, so...

Oh, man!
I called it!

Classic Lefty!

Ha ha!
Lefty! Lefty!

[All chanting: "Lefty!"]

Classic Lefty!

Shonda.

Lefty, Lefty, Lefty, Lefty!

You know, I wrote a TV pilot
about him once.

Network said it was too sad.

(Mindy) Hey Jean.

I need to talk to you
about last night.

I'm kind of busy.
Can we talk about it later?

No, no. Actually, I need
to get this off of my chest.

Look, you're an amazing kisser.

You have the softness of a woman
but the strength of a man.

I was actually thinking about
it later in the bath and I...

The problem is I'm straight.

And I'm sorry if I led you on.

Wow.

In retrospect, I could see how

our nude couples massage
would've confused you.

Or when I asked you
to check my breasts

to make sure
that they were symmetrical. What?

But mostly,
I regret that I let you kiss me.

What?
You kissed her?

Excuse me, sir,
we're in the middle

of something,
so give us a second.

Oh, excuse me. I'm a
woman, and that's my wife.

Deborah!
Deb-Deb, calm down.

Ladies, ladies.
I can't believe

that you've been keeping
this little butch

and her girlfriend on the side!
Excuse me?

I am not butch.
I'm a lipstick lesbian.

I mean, I'm a straight woman.
She's straight.

Here's the deal, okay?
What?

I'm a masculine woman,

and this is an effeminate man.
What?

The lips, the lashes...
It's a little much, I know.

But he's a man.
I'm a man!

I'm a man,
and that's my girlfriend!

Let's all just relax here, okay?

She is definitely straight.

She doesn't do all the things

that straight girls do,
but she's straight.

Okay, you're very
well taken care of.

I'm sorry, Deborah,
that this happened.

Deb-Deb,
if she had mentioned you

but once in our five-hour date,

I wouldn't have let her kiss me.

Deb-Deb!

I am going to re-do
that schedule

and you will never
see the sun again!

That is why telling
the truth sucks!

(Jeremy) Oh, there you are.

Would you burp me?

Can you please leave
Beth and I alone?

Is this about the Lefty thing?

It's just a nickname, buddy.

Like when father calls me
"not-mine."

Who knows what it means?

Do you know why
they call me Lefty?

Because every girl I love
always leaves me,

and they always leave me
for one of my friends.

Does that sound
familiar to you, Dr. Reed?

Well, why did you
invite me then?

Because I want to win.

I don't want to be known
as just a dumped chump.

Maybe it's time
you stopped the pity party...

[American accent]
And started the Peter party.

I do love alliteration.

Okay, it's time for you
to lead us to victory.

Let's go.

All right, let's do it!

[Burps] Ooh. Thank you.
[Slap]

I saw that burp.

It's still...
I just walked through it.

[Dj snake's turn down for what
plays]

♪ ♪

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

All: Oh!

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

[Cheering]

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Fire up the load ♪

♪ Another round of
shot shot shot shot ♪

(Announcer) Silence, please.

The cup that can make
or break a dream.

If he sinks this, it's all over.

[Cheering]

What's up?
What's up?

(Danny) What a mess.

Danny, this is your fault.

You were the one
that told me to tell the truth.

Well, you shouldn't have lied
in the first place.

That's true.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna call her.

Hello, Jean.
It's Mindy.

What do you want?

I just wanted to say
that I am sorry.

And this is all my fault.
You can punish me,

but just don't punish
the others.

Don't tell me what to do.

I will punish whoever I want.

Deborah is furious.

She is so angry...
[Dogs barking]

She's turned the dogs
against me.

(Jean) Shoo!

Well, you know, Danny
is not thrilled with me either.

Don't you dare compare
our situations.

My Deb-Deb is thinking
about leaving me.

(Jean) And it's all your fault.

Oh, she is?
Okay, well,

Danny is so upset, as well.

Very upset.
He said he might kill himself.

[Whispers] What!
What?

It is... really, he's going
crazy, he's ranting.

I mean, I don't even know
what I'm gonna do.

So, you think
that we're even then?

(Jean) You stay calm,
you keep him calm,

and we will be right there.

(Mindy)
You're coming over? Oh...

Mindy?

Hey, I need to be completely
honest with you right now.

I need you to lie for me.
Big time.

Why would you tell Jean that?
I would never kill myself.

In catholicism, that's almost
as bad as masturbating.

Danny, can't you just pretend?

Okay?
It's just a little drama.

Act like I do when I find out

that a celebrity
is younger than me.

No.

Danny, everything that I've done

has made this worse.
I need your help.

I'm not doing it, okay?

I'm not doing it.
I'm not like you.

I don't do drama.
I can't lie.

Just tell them the truth.

That's all you have to...

[Knocking at door] Please?

Go do it.

[Knocking continues]

Okay.
I'm coming.

Where is he?

Oh, my God!
We're too late.

No, no, no.
That was me.

I just threw a dirty dish
out the window

'cause I didn't wanna
deal with it.

Danny's in his bedroom.

He's fine

whoa, whoa, whoa.
Danny is fine?

What is going on here?

Mindy, if you made this up,
you and your entire practice

will need to find
a new hospital.

Oh, God.

I have to come clean to you.

But you have to promise me

that you will not take this out

on the people that I love.

I should have done
this a long time ago.

The truth is that Danny...
Danny's over here.

Danny?

Oh, how dare you, Mindy.

Mindy Lahiri.

How dare you bring her
to this house.

To our... to our house.

I see.
Oh, the three of you?

Don't let me stop you, okay?

Go right in there,
there's a bed right in there.

Get your biscuit.
Nobody wants a biscuit.

Nobody wants it?

[Mindy mouthing words]

Every night, I wait for her
to come home.

And I just cry.

I cry myself to sleep.

Why, God?

Why have you done this to me?

I go to church.

And I... I take my
cufflinks off, and I...

I will go
to the Statue of Liberty and...

I don't... I don't
even understand.

I don't... do it better.

Be a better person, he means.

Like, be a better person.

[Deep voice] I got Mindy fever.

You got it too, right?

And we all know
there ain't no cure for that!

You know what?

I gave my virginity
to this woman.

Danny!
What?

It was just a kiss,

hardly worth ending
a relationship over.

Just a kiss?

Exqueeze me?

Exqueeze me?

Oh!

I can't have a baby!

Gentlemen and shonda rhimes,
your 2014 Dartmouth alumni

beer-pong champions:
Barf and Lefty!

Yeah!

Lefty!
Lefty!

All: Lefty, Lefty, Lefty,
Lefty, Lefty, Lefty!

All right, dudes, bros.

Now, doesn't this man deserve
a better name than Lefty?

I'm begging you
don't do this, man.

Okay, he has so many other
qualities worthy of a nickname.

He's a doctor, "doc."

We're at Dartmouth.
There are a lot of people

who are doctors here.
No? You know...

He's uncircumcised...
[Crowd murmurs]

"Turtleneck."

Same thing.
We're at Dartmouth.

And now, he's a straight up
beer-pong champion!

[Crowd cheering]

So what do you say we let
Lefty choose a new name?

What's your name, Lefty?

Um... Diarrhea? Wait no...
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Diarrhea!
Diarrhea!

Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Danny, it's important
to forgive.

I'm gonna forgive Jean.

Deb-Deb.

I am.
Even though she gave in

to Mindy's gross,
predatorial advances.

Okay, I'm fine.
Deb, I'm also gonna join you

on this forgiveness train,
and I'm gonna forgive Mindy.

Under the following conditions.
Oh.

What now? She has to help me
build my adirondack chairs.

And she also has to cook me
a nice dinner

every night for a month.

Okay, now I'm suicidal.

And every once in a while,
she's gotta wake me up with a...

[Clicks tongue]
Okay, in your dreams, bozo.

Come on, that's reasonable.

Well...
[Clicking tongue]

Okay, yes.

I will do the thing
I hate the most to you.

That's good. That's love.
That's love.

I think we should go.
Thanks for stopping by, guys.

Yeah, thanks.
All right.

All right, okay.
What a great night.

Bye, Danny.
Bye-bye now.

That is how it's done.