The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 6 - Caramel Princess Time - full transcript
Danny decides it's time to take Mindy's chronic tardiness into his own hands and teach her a lesson about being on time. Meanwhile, Tamra and Morgan set up Peter on a blind date with their novel-writing friend.
You here?
Movie's starting!!!
In cab.
Where are you?
All the fresh popcorn gone.
It's kernel city.
I'm in the crowd;
You probably can't see me,
but I'm here.
Where?
That's it.
I'm leaving.
Sweetheart,
where have you been?
I've been waiting here
this whole time!
- Let's go in.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's the godfather ii,
the movie that raised me.
If I'm not in my seat
before the trivia game,
the whole film-going experience
is ruined for me, it's ruined.
Baby, what are you
talking about?
The whole film-going experience
is checking your phone,
people watching,
and over-the-pants make-out.
Honk!
Hey, don't do that here.
Yeah, it was cool.
All right, let's go,
come on.
Hey, can we get two tickets,
one adult and one child?
I'm sorry, we're sold out.
What?
You've been here for an hour,
and you didn't buy tickets?
When's it playing next?
Tomorrow at noon.
Tomorrow at noon.
Let's get out of here.
How could anyone want to see
this movie?
I've never even heard of it.
Okay, okay.
You've never heard
of the godfather?
Hey.
Huh, according to my
genuine quartz accuracy,
you're late.
- What?
- You're late.
I'm not late.
It's 9:18,
which is practically 9:15,
which is basically 9:00.
Danny, if anything, I'm early.
Mindy, we've been dating
for seven months,
and you're never on time
for anything.
Okay,
occasionally being late
is just part of my spontaneous
and fun deal, Danny.
You have to take the bad
with the good.
Why can't I just take
the good with the good,
like you get with me?
What are you talking about?
I have to go to church with you
every sunday.
I'm not even catholic.
Sweetheart, don't be mad.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Dr. Castellano,
do you have a moment?
Dr. Fishman,
yes, of course!
Oh, boy, pardon me for the mess.
I feel really...
I'll move that.
Embarrassed.
Just kidding.
Real neatnik.
Okay.
You want me to call the others?
I'll just get 'em in here.
No, actually,
- I just want to talk to you.
- Okay.
There's a new mental health
seminar that I'm starting
for at-risk hospital personnel.
Boom.
I think you could benefit
by having an outlet
for your uncomfortable
feelings.
Wait a minute, my mental health
is perfect, okay?
And I do have an outlet.
His name's father Francis,
he's 97,
and he only speaks Latin.
Stop it.
The last time I saw you,
you threatened
to kill yourself
because your girlfriend
kissed someone else.
How are you and Dr. Lahiri
doing?
You know, I'm worried
about the two of you.
Oh, no, no, the only thing
you need to worry about
is that I might murder her,
but other than that...
That was a joke.
I was joking.
She's been late a lot
recently.
You know what,
don't worry about it.
Thank you for the brochure.
I'm gonna take a look at it
right now.
No, don't take a look at it.
Read it.
I'm gonna... yeah,
I'm gonna read it, of course.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Fishman.
Hey, Dr. "P."
You're mad lonely, right?
Oh, yeah.
Why?
♪ I want to set you up
I want to set you up ♪
- ♪ Hey!
- ♪ Up
With my best friend
Abby.
Oh, cool.
So what's wrong with her?
She's been looking
for a strong-ass man,
but is now lowering
her standards,
and I think
you'd be perfect.
We're like twins.
Twins, huh?
Okay.
I gotta hit the gym, man,
steal me some soap.
Yeah!
Evening.
My boyfriend,
Daniel Castellano,
- made a reservation
- "
A night of New York's best
Italian-American comedy.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, great.
My ma's cooking's so bad,
I beg the dog for his scraps.
Well, well, looks like
I beat you here.
Oh, no, look, look,
J.Lo's texting during my set?
Hey, J.Lo's, who you texting,
"Ben Afflecks"?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Actually, sir,
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck
broke up years ago.
Oh, well, good for her!
I'll tell you something else...
What time is it?
8.
No, it's 8:10.
I got tired of waiting
so I left.
Haha. LOL. Hilarious.
- No joke. Have fun.
- You son of a b...
What could be more compelling
than my set?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, she's fighting
with her boyfriend, everybody!
Okay...
Oh, and he ditched her
for being chronically late.
Oh!
Maybe she should...
Take a hike!
Yeah!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
You know what?
Do you know what?
I will leave.
But I will never hike.
Ahh!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
Hello, hello, hello.
Have any beautiful women
of color checked in tonight?
Mm-mmm.
Blind date, huh?
Uh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous.
What's your date's name?
Abby.
My name is Abby.
Oh, the Abby that I'm meeting
is actually, like,
really tall, gorgeous,
and, for lack of a better word,
African-American.
Oh.
Well, I'm meeting a doctor
who looks like meatloaf.
- Oh.
- Or it might have been
"a meatloaf."
I'm not sure.
My friend Tamra
wasn't really clear.
Tamra, huh?
Well, uh, what do you do?
Oh, I write historical
romance novels.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- I love to read.
- Oh.
Well, you should give
romance novels a try.
- Mm.
- And it's basically pornography
you're allowed to read
on the subway, so...
Oh, dang it!
Getting a text.
Looks like a patient's
going into labor,
and there's no father,
so the taxi cab driver
is kind of the surrogate now,
so I feel like I should...
I'm sorry, are you describing
look who's talking?
Oh, it's similar.
This is why you don't want
to date me, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Unbelievable.
9:13.
Even after last night
you're still late?
I'm giving you the silent
treatment, by the way.
That's why I walked right by you
and didn't respond.
Hey, hey, no one
silent-treatments me.
Oh, good, good,
everyone's in here.
- I was worried we'd have
- A private conversation for once.
You're welcome, Dr. "Q."
Is it a conversation, Danny?
'Cause it feels
a lot more like a lecture,
and not the good kind
where I end up stalking
the professor at the end.
- All I'm saying is,
- You're never late for a delivery
or a hospital emergency,
but a movie?
A movie?
And suddenly,
it's like I asked you
to cut off your arm
or throw away your
own trash.
Because delivering a baby
into this world is as important
as meeting my boyfriend
for a stupid movie.
You and I do the same job.
I get everywhere on time.
Yeah, 'cause you're a guy.
I can't just deliver a baby,
throw some talc
on my private parts,
and be somewhere
three minutes later.
I got to shower, my friend.
I got to shave this hot body
from my ankles to my eyebrows.
Also, I have to highlight
and contour everything
just so that you'll
have sex with me.
I'm basically C.G.I.
Right, and you're forgetting
the most important part,
Dr. "L," C.P.T.
Thank you, Tamra, that's right.
Colored people time.
- Whoa, no, no, no.
- No.
- What, no?
- No, no, no.
I meant C.P.T.,
caramel princess time.
When you're as cute as we are,
people wait for you.
I want to believe you.
It does sound like
a huge load of crap.
I'm not saying, "no," I just
need you to continue explaining.
No, this is all nonsense, okay?
There's no C.P.T.
You're either on time
or you're late.
- Ooh!
- Maybe if you were late just once,
you would realize
it wasn't a big deal.
Oh, yeah, well, that's never
gonna happen, sweetheart.
I'm never gonna be late.
Watch and learn.
Hmm.
We need to talk to you!
Ow... hey!
Get on in there with
your stupid messenger bag!
Hey, take it easy.
Shameful. Dude,
how could you ditch Abby, man?
Head, shoulders, knees, toes,
knees and toes...
She's got it all.
I'm sorry, I was just
expecting someone...
Who's more of a match
physically.
A match physically?
You said twins.
Who do you think you are?
What'd you think,
Natalie Portman's sitting
in her castle,
like, "oh, I wonder if there are
any schlubs out there
who wear a bathing suit
as underwear?"
Natalie Portman would throw up
if she saw you.
You need to go
apologize to Abby.
She'll be at the book store
tomorrow.
What are you gonna be doing,
eating pretzels off the floor?
Yeah, I saw it.
Fine, I'll go!
Psst.
Danny, are you awake?
Hey, Danny,
I think Rudy Giuliani's
a clown.
Good night, sweet prince.
Honk!
Hey, Min.
- Hey!
- Hey.
What's going on?
You're up early, wow.
Why don't you come upstairs?
My little early bird
can get the worm.
Oh.
That's a super sexy offer,
but it's 8:40.
Aren't you worried
about being late to work?
8:40?
What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
- No, no, it's 7:40.
Oh, really?
You tinkered with my digital.
Why would you do that?
Why would you do that to me?
Betrayal!
Oh, boo-hoo.
You know what betrayal was?
When you ditched me
at that comedy club.
That guy told me to take a hike.
The audience loved it.
Now, he wants me to go
on tour with him.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll just tell everyone at work
that you're running late.
Bye, my love.
Step on it!
Open the door.
Take off, take off.
Open...
Don't take off.
Taxi! Taxi!
I'm not gonna be late.
I'm not...
So I have to apologize
to a girl,
which is something I've
literally never done before.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is Danny in?
Oh, Danny.
Danny is not in,
because everyone,
I have an announcement.
Danny Castellano
will be late.
I made it!
I made it!
Danny Castellano is on time!
- What...
- 8:59, I made it!
In your face, Lahiri!
- Honk!
- Ah!
Can't make me late.
Take a hike.
Boom!
- Oh!
- Take another one, boom!
- Boom, boom!
- Oh!
Take a hike.
Boom!
Morgan, take a hike.
Boom! Boom!
Michael Jackson!
Ohh!
Boom, boom, boom!
Dr. Fishman.
Go talk in my office?
Yeah, let's talk in my office.
Your emotional issues
are out of control,
and I insist that you take that
mental health seminar tomorrow.
Okay, as much as I don't
want to, I also can't.
Saturdays, that's when I take
my ma to run all her errands.
Well, here's the thing.
Until you complete the seminar,
you are suspended
from seeing patients
in my hospital.
Get into that.
I'd rather not get into that.
Well, take the course
at your leisure,
whenever you find time to fit it
into your busy schedule.
Hmm? It takes place
in this building.
In this building?
Who administers the course?
Only the most kind, dynamic,
spiritual man I know.
Oh, no.
I've longed for this day,
Daniel,
the day I can finally
fix you.
Hey, babe.
You.
I can't even look at you.
Deslaurier hugged me
on the way out,
and I accidentally
kissed him on the ear.
Oh, God.
Danny, I'm so sorry.
This can't be worse
than the time
that I shredded your passport
for confetti, is it?
Oh, yeah, it's much worse, okay?
I'm supposed to take ma to all
her appointments on Saturday.
Without me, she won't go.
A parent of divorce needs
routine, Mindy,
- they need routine.
- I know.
Well...
You were just
running errands
and she was gonna get
her hair done, right?
- Yeah.
- I could take her.
I love beauty shops.
Please.
Please let me make it up to you,
Danny, I feel so bad.
You literally have
no other options.
Whoa.
What, is the dude that wrote
Harry Potter here?
No.
We're here for Abby Berman.
Berman.
"Savannah unbuttoned
Edmund's uniform trousers.
"'Edmund Larouge!
'I do believe we can take
Maryland with this saber.'"
this is good.
"'He don't deserve a burial.
"He's a Yankee, '
Savannah hissed.
"Edmund shook his head.
'He may have been a Yankee,
but he was still a man.'"
damn.
Hey, you gonna buy that?
Oh, Abby,
your book is so good.
Yeah, I know.
Did you come here
to tell me that?
Actually, I-I came here
to apologize,
but I've been reading your book,
and you have all these fans,
and I don't want to apologize.
I'd like to go out again.
You ditched me because you
didn't like the way I looked.
I know.
Listen,
you're a jerk.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, you're right
about that.
Paul?
Hey.
How'd you get
dragged out of
the blood lab for this?
I'll tell you
when I figure it out.
Nowadays, you fart too loud
and you got to go to counseling.
Yeah, tell me about it,
brother.
All right, everyone.
Oh, Daniel.
Let's get started.
Thank you, welcome,
and of course, namaste.
I am overjoyed
that you've decided
to share your time
with me today.
Oh, I didn't realize
we had a choice.
Well, we always have
a choice, Daniel.
Does that follow?
Yeah, Danny,
does that follow?
That's humorous, gentlemen.
Paul, would you care to share
the choice that resulted
in your attendance here today?
Yeah, I got nothing to hide.
I've been stealing blood
from the hospital
for my own personal use.
Wait, what?
Okay, you think that's bad?
My female boss
is in love with me.
Oh, Morgan, what the hell
are you doing here?
Also, I'm addicted
to cookies.
My name's Morgan.
Daniel, are you feeling
safe enough
to share why you're here today?
Wait, what?
No.
No, I'm not feeling
safe enough.
Don't lump me in
with these freaks, okay?
I'm a normal.
Pass.
Well, you're free to go
anytime.
I won't stand in your way.
All right,
see you later, Paul.
I am, however, going to
give you an incomplete
and recommend
further mental evaluation.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Namaste.
Hey, Annette,
you need any help in there?
Help?
How old do you think I am?
We're not that different
in age, you know.
Um, you are the oldest person
I know's mother,
so that's obviously not true.
Okay.
All right, you know,
just take your time.
Ah, hello, dot.
It's so nice that you can
join us on our errands.
I could drive us if they hadn't
taken my license away.
I ran over my neighbor's
basset hound, big whoop.
Call me when it's a person.
Okay, well...
God, I don't know why Danny
gave us an hour
to get to the hair salon.
It's only five minutes away.
Oh, my goodness!
Dot, will you look at us!
Twins!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
What are the chances
of that happening?
Yes, that is remarkable.
Hey, we should head out.
Come on.
Oh, no, Mindy,
take a picture.
- Oh, yeah!
- You got to capture this
and email it to me,
and then print out the email
and hand it to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it, okay.
Ready.
One, two, three.
Cheese!
Got it.
Let's go, come on, guys.
Oh, no, I got to go change.
Wha... oh,
you're gonna chance, okay.
Please look
into your partner's eyes
and repeat after me.
"I support you."
I support you.
- No way.
- Brendan, he's not doing it.
Daniel, I've given you
a pass so far,
but your participation
is now required
for the class to continue.
Fine, whatever.
I support him.
Think I'm cured.
Okay, now,
"I love and care for you."
I want to make love
and care for you.
Okay, come on!
Brendan,
he's not helping me.
You want to switch partners?
My lady hates me.
- No.
- Look...
I love and care for you.
Thank you.
I felt nothing.
Because I didn't mean it, okay?
I didn't mean it.
You're weird, okay?
You're weird, Morgan.
The whole thing is weird.
You wanna stop acting crazy?
Eat lean protein
and exercise ten times a week
like a normal person!
Okay, I can see now
that this sort of group therapy
is too basic for someone
as closed-off as you.
I'm gonna work on you now,
one-on-one.
All right,
you got your hair done.
It's mammogram time,
even though we are an hour late.
Come on, come on.
And I don't even know
how I feel
about this hairstyle
that you made me get.
This is the only time
you ever looked pretty.
Mindy, you're late.
I can't see her.
Carolyn, I am so sorry,
but you have to understand.
It took them forever
to leave the house.
Then we went to the hair salon.
They made me get
this Dixie Carter hairstyle.
The point is, this woman
needs to get a mammogram.
I promised my boyfriend.
Please.
I'd love to, but I'm on my way
to cardio barre.
Are you kidding me with this,
Carolyn?
I picked you up off the floor
of that conference
after you had
a thousand margaritas.
You are not gonna
play that card!
I will play that card.
Oh, my God.
Fine, I'll do it.
Thank you.
Hey, how's Dr. Prentice?
He never called.
Peter?
Oh, God.
Okay, well, you dodged a bullet
with that one.
Thank you.
I'm sorry that I had to
- blackmail you.
- Whatever.
Well, you just witnessed
the classic Mindy Lahiri charm.
That's how I got
my freshman year R.A.
To kiss me, even though
he was gay, so...
Well, we've just been talking,
and I don't want to go anymore.
It's too late
and I'm too tired.
Excuse me?
I heard that mammogram machines
actually give you cancer.
Oh!
That's right,
I think Jenny McCarthy
said that on the view.
Oh, well, there you go.
Why would she say
something like that
if it wasn't true?
Hey, I'm gonna
kill you guys.
I'm serious.
You two bozos
are the most inconsiderate
people that I have ever met!
You're late for everything,
you don't care about
anybody's time but your own.
I can't believe it.
I simply can't believe it.
It is appalling.
No wonder Danny is
such a tight-ass.
Okay,
you're gonna go with me.
What are you doing?
Hey, look at me!
You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna take
your shirt off,
and you're gonna get
your mammogram!
We're ready to go.
So, your particular episode
was the result of a fight
between you and your girlfriend,
who... full disclosure, class...
I've made love to
on numerous occasions.
Why did that need
to be said?
And the fight started simply
because she was late to...
Which particular ethnic
exploitation film?
Part ii.
Right, well,
if it's not Swedish,
I'm not too familiar with it.
But, who cares?
She's late,
and you miss the film.
What's the big deal?
It's just principle.
If you're late,
it's disrespectful.
I don't buy it.
Why did this
particular infraction
lead you to lash out?
Oh, come on, Deslaurier,
I was just mad.
Well, what's the big deal?
What's the worst
that could happen?
My time is wasted, okay?
I'm sitting out there
in the cold,
I'm embarrassed.
I feel foolish.
I don't buy it.
What's the worst
that could happen?
I don't know, maybe she
doesn't show up at all.
Why would she not show up?
Because it's happened
before.
Keep going.
Fine, I...
Maybe I was supposed to go see
the Ghostbusters with my dad.
He told me he was gonna take me,
and maybe I just sat on my porch
and I waited for him
all night long
and he never showed up.
And maybe
I walked to the theater
by myself
and the only tickets
they had left was Amadeus.
Mm.
I was supposed to see Egon
and Slimer and Ray,
and instead, I'm looking
at F. Murray Abraham's face.
No kid should have to look
at that thing close up.
I mean, if you love someone,
if you really love someone,
why would you keep 'em waiting?
Why would you keep 'em waiting!
Okay, I think there's more.
Keep going.
No, that's it.
That's bedrock.
No, tell me about the priest.
There has to be a priest.
What priest?
I think my problem is,
I like stealing the blood.
Okay, not now, Paul.
Okay, this is ma,
I gotta go.
Oh, the priest and a mother.
We have hit pay dirt.
Save that for next session,
but for now, I am proud of you.
Hope, faith, and...
Peter, what are you
doing here?
Hello.
I've written a story
I'd like to read to you all.
A sunken romance.
Can you guess
where it takes place?
The Titanic?
It's on the Titanic.
"Chapter one.
Dr. Peter Prentice was
"an expert in medicine
but a novice in love...
Until he met Abby."
Are you hooked?
Um, just keep reading.
Okay.
"The old captain said,
'arr, have ya ever heard
"'that women are like
that iceberg over there?
"'The most important part
is under the surface.'
'I say ignore it.
'We'll be fine.
Crash!"
That's not
historically accurate.
Hey, I'm sorry,
were you there, John waters?
Maybe just skip forward
a little bit.
I'm sorry.
And propelled by love
and the dolphin
set up in chapter three...
You remember the dolphin?
You remember
when I set up the dolphin...
"They swam to safety.
The end."
Well, that was terrible.
But I-I kind of liked it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You want to go out
on another date?
Okay, sure.
Great.
You know,
this was kind of fun.
I think I'll come back
next week.
Oh, no.
You can never return.
Okay, no problem.
Bye, new friends.
You think you outsmarted me?
I'm not going anywhere!
Hey.
Who are you talking to?
I've been locked out.
The old Castellano lock-out,
huh?
Yeah, I spent a lot of nights
on this porch.
Hey,
I need to apologize to you.
You're not some crusty
old tyrant
who enjoys yelling at me.
You have to be this way,
because you were raised
by a bunch of thoughtless
spaghetti-heads...
- Shh.
- Who have no consideration
for anyone else's time.
Don't say "spaghetti-head."
I'm sorry I called them
spaghetti-heads.
I heard someone say it
on a "Nick at night" show.
- Is it offensive?
- Yes, it is,
but I-I-I appreciate it.
Okay.
I also... I think I...
I sometimes...
I overreact
to you being late.
Because of some stuff
with my dad.
Oh.
I would like to press further
for details, but I won't.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm very sorry,
and I will never be late again.
I mean, I'm gonna
really try not to be.
Come here.
I like you
on a Staten Island porch.
I would rather die.
We need to go inside.
I have to apologize to your mom,
- and dot, for some reason.
- Okay.
I'm really liking that hair.
It's doing it for me right now.
You look like my aunt.
What?
What's wrong
with you spaghetti-heads?
Movie's starting!!!
In cab.
Where are you?
All the fresh popcorn gone.
It's kernel city.
I'm in the crowd;
You probably can't see me,
but I'm here.
Where?
That's it.
I'm leaving.
Sweetheart,
where have you been?
I've been waiting here
this whole time!
- Let's go in.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's the godfather ii,
the movie that raised me.
If I'm not in my seat
before the trivia game,
the whole film-going experience
is ruined for me, it's ruined.
Baby, what are you
talking about?
The whole film-going experience
is checking your phone,
people watching,
and over-the-pants make-out.
Honk!
Hey, don't do that here.
Yeah, it was cool.
All right, let's go,
come on.
Hey, can we get two tickets,
one adult and one child?
I'm sorry, we're sold out.
What?
You've been here for an hour,
and you didn't buy tickets?
When's it playing next?
Tomorrow at noon.
Tomorrow at noon.
Let's get out of here.
How could anyone want to see
this movie?
I've never even heard of it.
Okay, okay.
You've never heard
of the godfather?
Hey.
Huh, according to my
genuine quartz accuracy,
you're late.
- What?
- You're late.
I'm not late.
It's 9:18,
which is practically 9:15,
which is basically 9:00.
Danny, if anything, I'm early.
Mindy, we've been dating
for seven months,
and you're never on time
for anything.
Okay,
occasionally being late
is just part of my spontaneous
and fun deal, Danny.
You have to take the bad
with the good.
Why can't I just take
the good with the good,
like you get with me?
What are you talking about?
I have to go to church with you
every sunday.
I'm not even catholic.
Sweetheart, don't be mad.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Dr. Castellano,
do you have a moment?
Dr. Fishman,
yes, of course!
Oh, boy, pardon me for the mess.
I feel really...
I'll move that.
Embarrassed.
Just kidding.
Real neatnik.
Okay.
You want me to call the others?
I'll just get 'em in here.
No, actually,
- I just want to talk to you.
- Okay.
There's a new mental health
seminar that I'm starting
for at-risk hospital personnel.
Boom.
I think you could benefit
by having an outlet
for your uncomfortable
feelings.
Wait a minute, my mental health
is perfect, okay?
And I do have an outlet.
His name's father Francis,
he's 97,
and he only speaks Latin.
Stop it.
The last time I saw you,
you threatened
to kill yourself
because your girlfriend
kissed someone else.
How are you and Dr. Lahiri
doing?
You know, I'm worried
about the two of you.
Oh, no, no, the only thing
you need to worry about
is that I might murder her,
but other than that...
That was a joke.
I was joking.
She's been late a lot
recently.
You know what,
don't worry about it.
Thank you for the brochure.
I'm gonna take a look at it
right now.
No, don't take a look at it.
Read it.
I'm gonna... yeah,
I'm gonna read it, of course.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Fishman.
Hey, Dr. "P."
You're mad lonely, right?
Oh, yeah.
Why?
♪ I want to set you up
I want to set you up ♪
- ♪ Hey!
- ♪ Up
With my best friend
Abby.
Oh, cool.
So what's wrong with her?
She's been looking
for a strong-ass man,
but is now lowering
her standards,
and I think
you'd be perfect.
We're like twins.
Twins, huh?
Okay.
I gotta hit the gym, man,
steal me some soap.
Yeah!
Evening.
My boyfriend,
Daniel Castellano,
- made a reservation
- "
A night of New York's best
Italian-American comedy.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, great.
My ma's cooking's so bad,
I beg the dog for his scraps.
Well, well, looks like
I beat you here.
Oh, no, look, look,
J.Lo's texting during my set?
Hey, J.Lo's, who you texting,
"Ben Afflecks"?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Actually, sir,
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck
broke up years ago.
Oh, well, good for her!
I'll tell you something else...
What time is it?
8.
No, it's 8:10.
I got tired of waiting
so I left.
Haha. LOL. Hilarious.
- No joke. Have fun.
- You son of a b...
What could be more compelling
than my set?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, she's fighting
with her boyfriend, everybody!
Okay...
Oh, and he ditched her
for being chronically late.
Oh!
Maybe she should...
Take a hike!
Yeah!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
You know what?
Do you know what?
I will leave.
But I will never hike.
Ahh!
Take a hike!
Take a hike!
Hello, hello, hello.
Have any beautiful women
of color checked in tonight?
Mm-mmm.
Blind date, huh?
Uh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous.
What's your date's name?
Abby.
My name is Abby.
Oh, the Abby that I'm meeting
is actually, like,
really tall, gorgeous,
and, for lack of a better word,
African-American.
Oh.
Well, I'm meeting a doctor
who looks like meatloaf.
- Oh.
- Or it might have been
"a meatloaf."
I'm not sure.
My friend Tamra
wasn't really clear.
Tamra, huh?
Well, uh, what do you do?
Oh, I write historical
romance novels.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- I love to read.
- Oh.
Well, you should give
romance novels a try.
- Mm.
- And it's basically pornography
you're allowed to read
on the subway, so...
Oh, dang it!
Getting a text.
Looks like a patient's
going into labor,
and there's no father,
so the taxi cab driver
is kind of the surrogate now,
so I feel like I should...
I'm sorry, are you describing
look who's talking?
Oh, it's similar.
This is why you don't want
to date me, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Unbelievable.
9:13.
Even after last night
you're still late?
I'm giving you the silent
treatment, by the way.
That's why I walked right by you
and didn't respond.
Hey, hey, no one
silent-treatments me.
Oh, good, good,
everyone's in here.
- I was worried we'd have
- A private conversation for once.
You're welcome, Dr. "Q."
Is it a conversation, Danny?
'Cause it feels
a lot more like a lecture,
and not the good kind
where I end up stalking
the professor at the end.
- All I'm saying is,
- You're never late for a delivery
or a hospital emergency,
but a movie?
A movie?
And suddenly,
it's like I asked you
to cut off your arm
or throw away your
own trash.
Because delivering a baby
into this world is as important
as meeting my boyfriend
for a stupid movie.
You and I do the same job.
I get everywhere on time.
Yeah, 'cause you're a guy.
I can't just deliver a baby,
throw some talc
on my private parts,
and be somewhere
three minutes later.
I got to shower, my friend.
I got to shave this hot body
from my ankles to my eyebrows.
Also, I have to highlight
and contour everything
just so that you'll
have sex with me.
I'm basically C.G.I.
Right, and you're forgetting
the most important part,
Dr. "L," C.P.T.
Thank you, Tamra, that's right.
Colored people time.
- Whoa, no, no, no.
- No.
- What, no?
- No, no, no.
I meant C.P.T.,
caramel princess time.
When you're as cute as we are,
people wait for you.
I want to believe you.
It does sound like
a huge load of crap.
I'm not saying, "no," I just
need you to continue explaining.
No, this is all nonsense, okay?
There's no C.P.T.
You're either on time
or you're late.
- Ooh!
- Maybe if you were late just once,
you would realize
it wasn't a big deal.
Oh, yeah, well, that's never
gonna happen, sweetheart.
I'm never gonna be late.
Watch and learn.
Hmm.
We need to talk to you!
Ow... hey!
Get on in there with
your stupid messenger bag!
Hey, take it easy.
Shameful. Dude,
how could you ditch Abby, man?
Head, shoulders, knees, toes,
knees and toes...
She's got it all.
I'm sorry, I was just
expecting someone...
Who's more of a match
physically.
A match physically?
You said twins.
Who do you think you are?
What'd you think,
Natalie Portman's sitting
in her castle,
like, "oh, I wonder if there are
any schlubs out there
who wear a bathing suit
as underwear?"
Natalie Portman would throw up
if she saw you.
You need to go
apologize to Abby.
She'll be at the book store
tomorrow.
What are you gonna be doing,
eating pretzels off the floor?
Yeah, I saw it.
Fine, I'll go!
Psst.
Danny, are you awake?
Hey, Danny,
I think Rudy Giuliani's
a clown.
Good night, sweet prince.
Honk!
Hey, Min.
- Hey!
- Hey.
What's going on?
You're up early, wow.
Why don't you come upstairs?
My little early bird
can get the worm.
Oh.
That's a super sexy offer,
but it's 8:40.
Aren't you worried
about being late to work?
8:40?
What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
- No, no, it's 7:40.
Oh, really?
You tinkered with my digital.
Why would you do that?
Why would you do that to me?
Betrayal!
Oh, boo-hoo.
You know what betrayal was?
When you ditched me
at that comedy club.
That guy told me to take a hike.
The audience loved it.
Now, he wants me to go
on tour with him.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll just tell everyone at work
that you're running late.
Bye, my love.
Step on it!
Open the door.
Take off, take off.
Open...
Don't take off.
Taxi! Taxi!
I'm not gonna be late.
I'm not...
So I have to apologize
to a girl,
which is something I've
literally never done before.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is Danny in?
Oh, Danny.
Danny is not in,
because everyone,
I have an announcement.
Danny Castellano
will be late.
I made it!
I made it!
Danny Castellano is on time!
- What...
- 8:59, I made it!
In your face, Lahiri!
- Honk!
- Ah!
Can't make me late.
Take a hike.
Boom!
- Oh!
- Take another one, boom!
- Boom, boom!
- Oh!
Take a hike.
Boom!
Morgan, take a hike.
Boom! Boom!
Michael Jackson!
Ohh!
Boom, boom, boom!
Dr. Fishman.
Go talk in my office?
Yeah, let's talk in my office.
Your emotional issues
are out of control,
and I insist that you take that
mental health seminar tomorrow.
Okay, as much as I don't
want to, I also can't.
Saturdays, that's when I take
my ma to run all her errands.
Well, here's the thing.
Until you complete the seminar,
you are suspended
from seeing patients
in my hospital.
Get into that.
I'd rather not get into that.
Well, take the course
at your leisure,
whenever you find time to fit it
into your busy schedule.
Hmm? It takes place
in this building.
In this building?
Who administers the course?
Only the most kind, dynamic,
spiritual man I know.
Oh, no.
I've longed for this day,
Daniel,
the day I can finally
fix you.
Hey, babe.
You.
I can't even look at you.
Deslaurier hugged me
on the way out,
and I accidentally
kissed him on the ear.
Oh, God.
Danny, I'm so sorry.
This can't be worse
than the time
that I shredded your passport
for confetti, is it?
Oh, yeah, it's much worse, okay?
I'm supposed to take ma to all
her appointments on Saturday.
Without me, she won't go.
A parent of divorce needs
routine, Mindy,
- they need routine.
- I know.
Well...
You were just
running errands
and she was gonna get
her hair done, right?
- Yeah.
- I could take her.
I love beauty shops.
Please.
Please let me make it up to you,
Danny, I feel so bad.
You literally have
no other options.
Whoa.
What, is the dude that wrote
Harry Potter here?
No.
We're here for Abby Berman.
Berman.
"Savannah unbuttoned
Edmund's uniform trousers.
"'Edmund Larouge!
'I do believe we can take
Maryland with this saber.'"
this is good.
"'He don't deserve a burial.
"He's a Yankee, '
Savannah hissed.
"Edmund shook his head.
'He may have been a Yankee,
but he was still a man.'"
damn.
Hey, you gonna buy that?
Oh, Abby,
your book is so good.
Yeah, I know.
Did you come here
to tell me that?
Actually, I-I came here
to apologize,
but I've been reading your book,
and you have all these fans,
and I don't want to apologize.
I'd like to go out again.
You ditched me because you
didn't like the way I looked.
I know.
Listen,
you're a jerk.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, you're right
about that.
Paul?
Hey.
How'd you get
dragged out of
the blood lab for this?
I'll tell you
when I figure it out.
Nowadays, you fart too loud
and you got to go to counseling.
Yeah, tell me about it,
brother.
All right, everyone.
Oh, Daniel.
Let's get started.
Thank you, welcome,
and of course, namaste.
I am overjoyed
that you've decided
to share your time
with me today.
Oh, I didn't realize
we had a choice.
Well, we always have
a choice, Daniel.
Does that follow?
Yeah, Danny,
does that follow?
That's humorous, gentlemen.
Paul, would you care to share
the choice that resulted
in your attendance here today?
Yeah, I got nothing to hide.
I've been stealing blood
from the hospital
for my own personal use.
Wait, what?
Okay, you think that's bad?
My female boss
is in love with me.
Oh, Morgan, what the hell
are you doing here?
Also, I'm addicted
to cookies.
My name's Morgan.
Daniel, are you feeling
safe enough
to share why you're here today?
Wait, what?
No.
No, I'm not feeling
safe enough.
Don't lump me in
with these freaks, okay?
I'm a normal.
Pass.
Well, you're free to go
anytime.
I won't stand in your way.
All right,
see you later, Paul.
I am, however, going to
give you an incomplete
and recommend
further mental evaluation.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Namaste.
Hey, Annette,
you need any help in there?
Help?
How old do you think I am?
We're not that different
in age, you know.
Um, you are the oldest person
I know's mother,
so that's obviously not true.
Okay.
All right, you know,
just take your time.
Ah, hello, dot.
It's so nice that you can
join us on our errands.
I could drive us if they hadn't
taken my license away.
I ran over my neighbor's
basset hound, big whoop.
Call me when it's a person.
Okay, well...
God, I don't know why Danny
gave us an hour
to get to the hair salon.
It's only five minutes away.
Oh, my goodness!
Dot, will you look at us!
Twins!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
What are the chances
of that happening?
Yes, that is remarkable.
Hey, we should head out.
Come on.
Oh, no, Mindy,
take a picture.
- Oh, yeah!
- You got to capture this
and email it to me,
and then print out the email
and hand it to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it, okay.
Ready.
One, two, three.
Cheese!
Got it.
Let's go, come on, guys.
Oh, no, I got to go change.
Wha... oh,
you're gonna chance, okay.
Please look
into your partner's eyes
and repeat after me.
"I support you."
I support you.
- No way.
- Brendan, he's not doing it.
Daniel, I've given you
a pass so far,
but your participation
is now required
for the class to continue.
Fine, whatever.
I support him.
Think I'm cured.
Okay, now,
"I love and care for you."
I want to make love
and care for you.
Okay, come on!
Brendan,
he's not helping me.
You want to switch partners?
My lady hates me.
- No.
- Look...
I love and care for you.
Thank you.
I felt nothing.
Because I didn't mean it, okay?
I didn't mean it.
You're weird, okay?
You're weird, Morgan.
The whole thing is weird.
You wanna stop acting crazy?
Eat lean protein
and exercise ten times a week
like a normal person!
Okay, I can see now
that this sort of group therapy
is too basic for someone
as closed-off as you.
I'm gonna work on you now,
one-on-one.
All right,
you got your hair done.
It's mammogram time,
even though we are an hour late.
Come on, come on.
And I don't even know
how I feel
about this hairstyle
that you made me get.
This is the only time
you ever looked pretty.
Mindy, you're late.
I can't see her.
Carolyn, I am so sorry,
but you have to understand.
It took them forever
to leave the house.
Then we went to the hair salon.
They made me get
this Dixie Carter hairstyle.
The point is, this woman
needs to get a mammogram.
I promised my boyfriend.
Please.
I'd love to, but I'm on my way
to cardio barre.
Are you kidding me with this,
Carolyn?
I picked you up off the floor
of that conference
after you had
a thousand margaritas.
You are not gonna
play that card!
I will play that card.
Oh, my God.
Fine, I'll do it.
Thank you.
Hey, how's Dr. Prentice?
He never called.
Peter?
Oh, God.
Okay, well, you dodged a bullet
with that one.
Thank you.
I'm sorry that I had to
- blackmail you.
- Whatever.
Well, you just witnessed
the classic Mindy Lahiri charm.
That's how I got
my freshman year R.A.
To kiss me, even though
he was gay, so...
Well, we've just been talking,
and I don't want to go anymore.
It's too late
and I'm too tired.
Excuse me?
I heard that mammogram machines
actually give you cancer.
Oh!
That's right,
I think Jenny McCarthy
said that on the view.
Oh, well, there you go.
Why would she say
something like that
if it wasn't true?
Hey, I'm gonna
kill you guys.
I'm serious.
You two bozos
are the most inconsiderate
people that I have ever met!
You're late for everything,
you don't care about
anybody's time but your own.
I can't believe it.
I simply can't believe it.
It is appalling.
No wonder Danny is
such a tight-ass.
Okay,
you're gonna go with me.
What are you doing?
Hey, look at me!
You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna take
your shirt off,
and you're gonna get
your mammogram!
We're ready to go.
So, your particular episode
was the result of a fight
between you and your girlfriend,
who... full disclosure, class...
I've made love to
on numerous occasions.
Why did that need
to be said?
And the fight started simply
because she was late to...
Which particular ethnic
exploitation film?
Part ii.
Right, well,
if it's not Swedish,
I'm not too familiar with it.
But, who cares?
She's late,
and you miss the film.
What's the big deal?
It's just principle.
If you're late,
it's disrespectful.
I don't buy it.
Why did this
particular infraction
lead you to lash out?
Oh, come on, Deslaurier,
I was just mad.
Well, what's the big deal?
What's the worst
that could happen?
My time is wasted, okay?
I'm sitting out there
in the cold,
I'm embarrassed.
I feel foolish.
I don't buy it.
What's the worst
that could happen?
I don't know, maybe she
doesn't show up at all.
Why would she not show up?
Because it's happened
before.
Keep going.
Fine, I...
Maybe I was supposed to go see
the Ghostbusters with my dad.
He told me he was gonna take me,
and maybe I just sat on my porch
and I waited for him
all night long
and he never showed up.
And maybe
I walked to the theater
by myself
and the only tickets
they had left was Amadeus.
Mm.
I was supposed to see Egon
and Slimer and Ray,
and instead, I'm looking
at F. Murray Abraham's face.
No kid should have to look
at that thing close up.
I mean, if you love someone,
if you really love someone,
why would you keep 'em waiting?
Why would you keep 'em waiting!
Okay, I think there's more.
Keep going.
No, that's it.
That's bedrock.
No, tell me about the priest.
There has to be a priest.
What priest?
I think my problem is,
I like stealing the blood.
Okay, not now, Paul.
Okay, this is ma,
I gotta go.
Oh, the priest and a mother.
We have hit pay dirt.
Save that for next session,
but for now, I am proud of you.
Hope, faith, and...
Peter, what are you
doing here?
Hello.
I've written a story
I'd like to read to you all.
A sunken romance.
Can you guess
where it takes place?
The Titanic?
It's on the Titanic.
"Chapter one.
Dr. Peter Prentice was
"an expert in medicine
but a novice in love...
Until he met Abby."
Are you hooked?
Um, just keep reading.
Okay.
"The old captain said,
'arr, have ya ever heard
"'that women are like
that iceberg over there?
"'The most important part
is under the surface.'
'I say ignore it.
'We'll be fine.
Crash!"
That's not
historically accurate.
Hey, I'm sorry,
were you there, John waters?
Maybe just skip forward
a little bit.
I'm sorry.
And propelled by love
and the dolphin
set up in chapter three...
You remember the dolphin?
You remember
when I set up the dolphin...
"They swam to safety.
The end."
Well, that was terrible.
But I-I kind of liked it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You want to go out
on another date?
Okay, sure.
Great.
You know,
this was kind of fun.
I think I'll come back
next week.
Oh, no.
You can never return.
Okay, no problem.
Bye, new friends.
You think you outsmarted me?
I'm not going anywhere!
Hey.
Who are you talking to?
I've been locked out.
The old Castellano lock-out,
huh?
Yeah, I spent a lot of nights
on this porch.
Hey,
I need to apologize to you.
You're not some crusty
old tyrant
who enjoys yelling at me.
You have to be this way,
because you were raised
by a bunch of thoughtless
spaghetti-heads...
- Shh.
- Who have no consideration
for anyone else's time.
Don't say "spaghetti-head."
I'm sorry I called them
spaghetti-heads.
I heard someone say it
on a "Nick at night" show.
- Is it offensive?
- Yes, it is,
but I-I-I appreciate it.
Okay.
I also... I think I...
I sometimes...
I overreact
to you being late.
Because of some stuff
with my dad.
Oh.
I would like to press further
for details, but I won't.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm very sorry,
and I will never be late again.
I mean, I'm gonna
really try not to be.
Come here.
I like you
on a Staten Island porch.
I would rather die.
We need to go inside.
I have to apologize to your mom,
- and dot, for some reason.
- Okay.
I'm really liking that hair.
It's doing it for me right now.
You look like my aunt.
What?
What's wrong
with you spaghetti-heads?