The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 4 - I Slipped - full transcript

It's pretty amazing that in the
most romantic city in the world,

I just happen to have found the
most romantic boyfriend in the world.

And every date
is full of surprises!

Damn it! How can something
as disgusting as an apple

make something as
delicious as apple pie?

Mindy, I have something
really important to ask you.

Oh, my God. It's happening.

Would you like
some more apple pie?

That's even better than what
I thought you were gonna ask!

Come here. Mmm...
Yeah. I knew you'd like it.

Hey. Hey.



Oh, my God. Danny. I love it.

Yeah? Mmm.

Did you also happen to
remember my nose hair trimmer?

I love you. I love you.

I'll be out in 20. Okay.

But, perhaps most surprising, not
all surprises are equally romantic.

Oh. DANNY: Oh.

Oh, my God,
Danny, this is heaven!

Wait, Danny. Danny! That doesn't
go there. Oh, my God. Danny!

I slipped.

Why is it so hard to believe me?

Because slipping is like,
"Whoa-whoa-whoa, what happened?"

Not, "Whoa-whoa-whoa...
Oh, yeah!"

Okay. You're twisting my sounds.
Besides, you weren't where I was.



Okay? You didn't see
how it all went down.

Danny, this is not Benghazi!
Well, sure feels like it!

I never thought I'd sympathize
with Hillary about anything.

Who is Hillary? Sometimes I feel
like you're just making these people up!

Okay. So you're innocent?
You had no intent?

Of course no intent!

I'm Catholic! Even
if I think about that...

They promote you
to cardinal. Hey! Hey!

That is all over. It's over.
Pope Frank is on the case. He...

Morgan, uh... We're just in the
middle of a conversation right now.

Okay, then these cobwebs
can just clean themselves.

Get out of here. We're
having a private conversation.

Thank you. Thank you. Can we please just
go talk about this in your office? Please?

I don't know, Danny. Because
my office only has one entrance.

And I don't think that's
enough for you anymore.

What?

I was just walking to the
subway and this scout was like,

"Girl, you should model." And
I'm like, "I already have a job."

That's so weird, the same
thing happened to me.

Hey, what are you
guys talking about?

Dr. Reed, if you think you're about to
sit over here and eat breakfast with us,

and share our weekend stories,
you got another think coming.

You're not still mad at me
for dating Lauren, are you?

You mean stealing Lauren? Sorry,

I'm hash tag Team Peter. Uh-huh.
The whole office is hash tag Team Peter.

And we got merch,
we got a website,

we have a mascot. It's... I'm glad to
see hash tag Team Peter is assembled.

Oh, God. I am furious.

Last night I graduated from nurse
practitioner school, none of you came.

It was sad as hell.

Morgan bought an extra
wheel of brie just for you, Dr. L!

Oh, that's so nice.
It really set me back.

Can I still have it? All
that's left is the crust.

Put it in my office.
Morgan, I'm sorry I didn't go.

It's just that Danny and
I had a date last night.

You've changed. You always promised
me you'd never be one of those girls

who ditches their best friend
the minute they get a boyfriend.

I would never promise that.

All I've wanted in my life is to
abandon all my friends for a boyfriend.

Calm down, sorry. Morgan?
I'm sorry that I could not attend.

But in my defense, I thought
that he was gonna be there.

Well, I didn't come 'cause I
thought he was gonna be there.

Me too. That's my excuse too.

I'm really caught
up in their beef.

You just said it was
'cause of your boyfriend.

No, it's... It's because of their
emotional issues that I didn't go.

I felt uncomfortable. Great, and
now the whole office hates me.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

I think it's because my heart has
been ripped out through my ears

and there is blood spurting
all over innocent Tamra.

That's not even scientifically
sound and you know it!

Do you know what?
It's fine, be Team Peter.

I don't need friends. I spent all of
form three locked in a cupboard.

Excuse me.

Peter, you know a lot
about skeevy guy stuff, right?

I do follow the Internet chat rooms
until the government shuts them down.

Perfect, you're my
most perverted friend.

Be honest with me. Have you
ever been with a girl in bed...

And then...
Accidentally slipped?

No. Danny's lying. What?
Danny? I'm not talking about Danny.

No man in the history of
time has ever been in bed

and quote, unquote,
slipped and not been lying.

How do you know that? What's the
most valuable thing in the world to you?

The thing that you
treasure above all else?

My signed photo of Kris Jenner.

Do you ever not know exactly
where that is or exactly what it's doing?

No, that thing's locked
behind a plate glass in my...

That son of a...

Hey, Danny. Hey.

Hey. Wow.

Is that smile I see?

I thought I saw
the last of those!

Well, I've been
thinking about it.

And I really want
to believe you.

Then believe me,
just believe me.

I believe you all the time.
I believe that you floss.

I believe that your gym is
closed for a multi-year remodel.

That's sweet. Yeah.

You're sweet. Thanks.

Which is why I will
believe you. Great.

If you swear to God
that it was an accident.

Ah... Let's leave
God out of this.

He doesn't know about us. I
told him you were my assistant.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you.

Yeah, level away, pervert.

Okay, here goes.

My eyes have gotten bad.

Really bad. And
in the dark, I...

I can't see anything. It's just
a big... A big jumble of parts.

Danny, why didn't
you just tell me?

Well, because you're always giving
me a hard time about being old and...

If you go blind, I'm
gonna get so fat.

It's not a big deal. Let's just
forget about it and move past it.

If I don't see ever
again, I don't see.

Oh, my sweet Danny.

We're gonna go to
the ophthalmologist.

We're gonna go
see Colin right now.

Now?

Fantastic news, Danny.
You are not going blind.

Your eyes are fine.

Colin, as a doctor, I am gonna
have to tell you that you are wrong.

And as an eye doctor, I
have to tell you I am right.

Okay, okay, don't phone this in,
man. Come on, let's... Let's do it again.

Danny, Mindy, I am so glad I stepped
away from my son's second birthday

to wade into what is
clearly a relationship issue.

I'm gonna go.

Colin! Colin, I'm so
sorry. Sorry, Colin.

Did you know that it was
Caleb's second birthday?

Do you think I wanna
hurt Caleb? I love Caleb.

Okay, fine. You know what?
You're right. I did it on purpose. I did.

I knew it, you stupid sneak!

Hey, stop! Stop! I assumed
you'd done it before, okay?

What? Yeah.

You're always bragging about
how you're so crazy in the sack.

I just assumed you'd done it before
with your long list of companions.

Is that what you think of me?

That I'm just some like,
gorgeous, high-class prostitute?

Look, I've seen your
cable bill, all right?

You're not pay-per-viewing
boxing matches!

I am sorry, that is
anime pornography.

Which is a victimless crime.

The only victims are the animators,
they pay them next to nothing in Korea.

What? Doesn't matter.

I will not be slut shamed in an
ophthalmologist's office. I'm gonna leave.

What are you doing? I don't
want you to get any ideas!

Oh, that's ridiculous. Mindy!

Oh, cookie dough.
Please solve my problems.

Oh, Mindy. Stress
eating cookie dough?

Was I right about Danny? Yes.

And the worst part is, Peter,

he thought it was something I
had done thousands of times,

like jaywalking or
lying under oath.

Is that what he thinks of me?

Well, I mean, all of your shorts
do say "porn star" across the back.

But that's the problem. Look,
I know that I talk this big talk.

But really I'm a prude.

A prude that slays
dudes like whoa!

But still... Mmm-hmm.

Danny's so sexually experienced.
He's been with a ton of women.

And I'm worried
I'm boring in bed.

Is that a big problem?
No, stop it. Not at all.

It's a huge problem.

I once broke up with
the girl of my dreams

because my waterbed
made her seasick.

I would break up with
you for having a waterbed!

Look, Danny loves you, okay?

He just expects you to
know everything because...

You're old. Hot as hell.

Well, there's plenty of other stuff
you could do that I've seen online.

Awful, nasty, depraved stuff...

I could teach you.

If I wanted to have a hands-on sexual
education, I'd go back to computer camp!

I meant I could talk you through
it. Dispense my knowledge.

I will warn you though, my
course is graded on a curve.

Man, that was so cool. Yeah.

Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Again, again, again

Oh, a person.
Like in the picture.

I'm actually just waiting
for everybody to leave.

I didn't want to run into Peter
in the elevator and start a row.

Yeah. Now, it's just me and
The Great American Songbook.

Way down upon the

Hush, hush, hush, stop, stop.

Swanee River, love

Dr. Reed, would you like to get
something to eat with me tomorrow night?

You would have dinner with me?

Even though I'm
the office pariah?

Nothing would make me happier.
Oh, I know this great place.

The waitresses wear
hockey jerseys and no pants.

That's so lovely,
Morgan, I'll pick the place.

But I really appreciate
you inviting me.

And now that I'm a nurse
practitioner, it's also my treat.

Oh.

Just have to, uh, stop at
the pawn shop on the way.

I'll pay.

Welcome to Peter Prentice's
banging in bed booty camp.

For tonight's demonstration, I
will be playing the part of Danny,

and the part of Mindy
will be played by...

If you say CeeLo
Green, I will kill you.

Brian the Skeleton.
Oh, I get it.

'Cause I'm so skinny,
I'm like a skeleton?

Yeah.

So, we'll start with the basics.

Just a little, "Have you ever."

Ooh.

Something like this,
hmm? Of course.

Have you done this? No.

No.

No.

How is it even sexual? Okay.

Yeah? No.

I call this, "The Necktie."

Okay...

Let it drop, and
then it's an ascot.

Oh, my God. What is that?
It's called, "The Bagpipe."

Hmm...

Don't get scared, the hip
is supposed to pop out.

Stop, stop, stop! I'm just gonna do
the other thing that Danny wants to do.

If that's what you want and you think
is empowering for feminist reasons...

I'm gonna do it. Because
Danny is an amazing boyfriend

and I don't wanna lose him. So
what if he wants to go to fifth base.

Maybe I'll love
it. No, you won't.

Hey, buddy. Yo.

Cool glasses. Oh, thank you.

I got 'em at the
Salvation Army. Oh.

About to throw 'em out.
I said, "I'll take those."

So, I got you a little
something something

for graduating and
becoming a nurse practitioner.

The photo of you and your
dad you keep on your desk?

Hmm. That's exactly
what I wanted.

Thank you. Yeah.

Look at those two little
rascals staring at me.

Hey, I am so sorry that I
missed your graduation party.

It was a great party. I
had three large pizzas.

Went down to the dock, no one
showed up. The seagulls were happy.

I think I just got wrapped
up with my boyfriend

and I forgot the relationship
that's most important.

That of a casual
work acquaintance.

Ah! Water under the bridge.

Tell me everything. Oh.

What have you been doing?
Who have you been doing?

Um. My boyfriend, that I
mentioned. Duh, my best friend.

You know I've always wanted to know,
now that you're a nurse practitioner.

You can prescribe
medicine, right? Oh, yeah.

Now I'm just another
drug dealer for Uncle Sam.

Whatever happened to
preventative medicine, am I right?

That's a great
observation. Thank you.

I have a lot of them, but I don't even
have a pen to write them down, so...

Hey, I need you to
prescribe me something.

I'm about to do something
that I cannot be awake for

but I also legally
can't be asleep for.

So you're using me?

I gotta tell you, I expected
more from my dogs' godmother.

Morgan, come on,
help me. Okay? Ow.

If you knew what I was about to
go through, you would understand.

You know I can't
prescribe it for myself.

Okay. Fine.

I'll write you a prescription
for a very strong sedative.

I take it whenever I have
to do something scary.

Like watch a scary movie
or if I hear a scary story.

Or, you know,
et-kuh, et-kuh, et-kuh.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?

You can say it
both ways. All right.

Hey. What ya watching?

The History Channel is counting
down Hitler's Twenty Wackiest...

Whoa!

Why aren't you wearing
your grandma's bathrobe?

I love Nana's bathrobe,

but, uh...

I thought you would probably
like this a little bit better.

And you're such a good
boyfriend, that I thought tonight

we could do things
the way you like.

Scotch? Yeah, little scotch.

Okay.

You okay? Mmm... Yuck.

You know what goes
really well with scotch?

Why don't we put
on some the blues?

Blues? Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Sure, I'll put on
blues. You always complain

you don't relate to
their ethnic struggles.

I think you've probably gotten
me confused with someone else,

because I have gone on record
saying how much I love the blues.

My woman has gone and left me

I love that kind of stuff. Just like
real complainy, like... It's good.

I like it better
than Taylor Swift.

Ah, my ears!

What? Are... Loving it.

Okay, what's going on? What?

What? I love scotch and I
love the blues. No, you don't.

You don't, what are you doing?

Wait, is this because of
what I said in the eye doctor?

Look, I don't think you're one of
these sexually freaky-deaky people.

I don't think you are, okay? The
other night, yes, I got carried away.

The Giants won. I
used my pizza stone.

You were wearing
those sexy stockings.

My compression socks. The point
is, we don't have to do that stuff.

Is it because you've
done it with so many girls

and now it's boring to you and you
wanna do something even weirder?

I will not let you
pee on me. No.

That's not what
I'm saying at all.

What I'm saying is when
I'm with you, it's enough.

Cool. That's nice.

You know, we don't need all those,
for lack of a better word, fireworks.

I mean, we are very, very,
very, very comfortable together.

Like an old shoe.
I'm an old shoe?

Yeah, like what nurses wear.
Like what Beverly would wear.

All right, I gotta get this
nighttime routine going.

These chompers aren't
gonna water-pick themselves.

Oh, Morgan. I'm so
desperately lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if I've
paid too high a price for love.

Well, I know
something about that.

I mean, Tamra and I can't
walk through Harlem together.

'Cause we're in a limo! What?

I'm out of money. Oh.

What the hell is he doing here?

Let me explain. Let me explain.

I invited both of you
here because I want...

Are you trying to Parent Trap
us? Are you the Lindsay Lohans?

I said let me explain.

But that's exactly right.
That's... Oh, my God.

I would have explained it.
Okay, please, enough fighting.

Everyone's sick of it. Sit down.

Sit down, the three of us
are gonna be at this table.

Crack open a nice old
bottle of red ketchup

and we're gonna
dump it on our fries

and we're gonna chow
down. And we're gonna eat.

And we're gonna get
to the bottom of this.

Now, I'm gonna mediate

and I'm not gonna leave until...

Excuse me.

Dr. L's texting me.

Dr. Prentice, Dr. Reed,
you're on your own.

Oh, my God. I...

Exclaim. Exclaim.
Exclaim. Exclaim.

I've actually written
you an apology poem.

It's called Master and a
Prentice. Would you like to hear it?

I would love to...

Take that poem and
shove it down your throat

and then give you the finger
through your belly button.

That's it!

You know what, I didn't steal
Lauren. Right? She left you.

You know why? Because you're
over 30, yet you have four roommates

two pair of underpants
and no toothbrush.

You were the one that got her
thinking those things were bad!

Well, your face is bad!

Oh. Oh, my face!

Morgan, he's on
fire. My beautiful face.

Oh, my God!

Danny, I agreed to go on
vacation with Morgan, okay?

Why don't you cool it
on the drinks, all right?

You're being real funny tonight.

Yeah, I feel hilarious.

Come here. Come here.
I'm gonna make you laugh.

I'm gonna make
you laugh all night.

Hold on a second, I'm
still working my ears.

Wow. It's gonna
be a two-swabber.

Huh? Huh?

What?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Danny? Danny? Danny,
something really weird is happening.

Danny. Danny! What's going on?

Nothing, I just
missed you a lot.

Hey. And I'm
feeling super horny.

You okay?

Oh. Mindy.

Min?

Whoa! Oh, my God. Mindy.

I'm Detective
Olivia Prendergast.

Ma'am, we have reason to believe
that you were roofied with intent.

By this man.

Wait a minute. I thought
you were from hospital billing.

Okay. No. No, no,
no. He is my boyfriend.

It's always the ones you trust.

No, no! He did not
roofy me. I roofied myself.

What? Why would you do that?

Are you sure? You wanna take a
minute? 'Cause I think it was this guy.

No, I'm sorry. He's innocent.

You make me sick.

It's scum like you that make
me drink myself to sleep.

What are you talking
about? It wasn't so bad.

What's going on here?

Okay, wait.

Now I'm gonna be in the
police blotter. That's your thing!

I'm so sorry, Danny.
What happened?

No, no, no, no

Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, Danny. Your
sex put her in the hospital?

What are you packing, baby?

Wait a minute,
you told Pete this?

I told him, because I was very
stressed out about our situation,

he offered to help...

What happened to your
eyebrows? Ask Jeremy.

It wasn't enough he
took Lauren from me,

he had to take the only
straight hairs on my body as well.

You got plenty on your
back, you... Those are straight!

Those are straight, the
ones on my back are curled.

Okay, okay. All
right, all right.

You guys are being
crazy dramatic.

And this is coming from the
most dramatic person here.

Remember when I almost
jumped off that low bridge

because I didn't agree with
that American Idol result.

Clay, huh? This feud is
lame and it's unprofessional.

Yeah, you guys aren't even
famous enough to be in a feud.

You're just two basics
having a bitch fest.

Yes. Okay, come on, guys.

Let's do it. Bury the
hatchet. Come on.

What do you say, Peter? Should
we forge a detente de guerre?

At work we will not fight, but
outside of work we'll fight constantly.

And will you please say one
sentence like a human being?

Indubitably. Damn it.

I look like Skeletor.

What's going on? Babe,
please let me explain.

Babe, just let me explain
the details of our vacation,

which is gonna be amazing...

Hey, I bought a soda
and two came out.

Were you not gonna get
me one? Yeah, no, I was.

Mindy, why do you think you're not
sexually advanced enough for me?

Because you called
me an "old shoe"

and you're basically like

James Caan at the
Playboy Mansion!

Okay, that's it. No more lies. You
want the truth about the other night?

Have I given you the impression
that I don't? Okay, here's the real truth.

It didn't mean anything.

And I don't want you to be anything.
I just tried something. All right?

That's it.

Because America was
built on trying things.

Okay. No, no, no. This is good.

When the pioneers went
out West on the wagon train,

they didn't know what they were
gonna find. Bears? Scorpions?

But they just tried it out and
you know what they found?

Weed. No, not weed.

Gold, the Grand Canyon. I
mean, California, no thanks,

but the San Diego Zoo's nice.
In America, you just go for it.

You just... You just go for it. And
yeah, sometimes you pay the price.

But other times...
Other times, jackpot.

Okay, I don't understand
this. How this is the real truth?

Because it is. Sometimes a
guy just has to try something.

Well, why didn't you
tell me this before?

Because I'd never
done it before.

Neither have I. You haven't?

No. Oh, well...

That's good.

See that, Big Guy?
We can work with that.

Okay, you don't have
to clear me with God.

I'm fine. God's obsessed
with me. Hey, take it easy.

She's taken. I'm just kidding.

So, are we good? We are.

Just, if you wanna try something
freaky, just run it by me first?

Yes, I promise.

Did you ever have
sex in a hospital bed?

Danny, someone could walk in!

I should have just started
kissing you. Asking sucks.

Damn it, you're right. Yeah.

No, no. Okay.

The moment's...
Yeah, it's ruined.

Let's drink our sodas
and watch Colbert.

Okay. Okay.

Morgan, Peter and I have
been doing some thinking...

You're gonna share Lauren?
Weekdays, weekends.

This is a good
plan. No. God, no.

No, no. We just came here
to say in the midst of our feud,

we did neglect to give you
proper due for your new degree.

Well, we got you
something. It's from the heart.

It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Do you have,
like, a gift receipt?

Gift receipt? I
mean, you're... It's...

Your name's on it.
It's monogrammed.

You know it's
Tookers with an "S."

We gave it a shot, it's
the thought that counts.

I will wear it with pride.
- Good.

Awesome. At
home... Guys, I love it.

I love it.

Ooh, our first freaky
consensual adventure.

Yeah.

Argh! Ow! You bit my tongue!

I'm so sorry, the whipped
cream just tasted so delicious.

Ow, Mindy! God! Ow!

God! Mindy, get off my hand! No.

Are you kidding me? Ow!
Mindy, let go. Let go of my hand!

Ow! Danny, it just
tastes so good.

Ow. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

What's wrong with
you? We just ate!