The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 17 - Danny Castellano Is My Nutritionist - full transcript

(Mindy) It's so great to be
back in New York in the winter,

curling up in a warm bed
next to the one you love.

The only problem is,
I'm pregnant

and morning sick as hell.

[retches and coughs]

Oops.
Sorry, Bible.

[clears throat]

- You all right?
- Where were we?

Uh...

Okay.

- Just go brush your teeth.
- Okay.



(Mindy) And for something
called morning sickness,

it sure happens
all the damn time.

(Morgan) Hey, guys.
I'm testing out a new look.

What do you guys think?

[retches]

Lady at the hat store
said the same thing.

(Mindy) On the positive side,

morning sickness teaches you
how to make

all of New York
your personal barf bag.

Babe.

[retches]

(Mindy) Fortunately,
my constant ralphing

is only bringing Danny and me
closer together.

Hey, you looking
at my Little League trophy?



Uh-huh.

You know, I was
the best player on the team,

and we had some Dominicans.

Cool.

- Did you barf in it?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry, Danny.

It's only a second-place trophy,
though, right?

I hate to see you like this.

You know, Castellano babies
always cause morning sickness.

We have a saying in my family:

First they make you puke;

Then they wreak havoc
on your birth canal.

[knock at door]

- Hi.
- Hey, buddy.

Dr. L, everyone knows
about your condition.

[imitates gagging]

All right, Morgan,
let's wrap this up.

Ta-da.

Is that a bedazzled barf bucket?

Wow, Morgan!

It's so beautiful.

This is the nicest gift
anyone's given me

since Danny took me
to Bruno Mars.

(Morgan) Oh, Bruno Mars and I...

Hat brothers.
Oh, God.

Stop talking
about that stupid hat!

All right.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

(Danny) Morning, sweetheart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing here?

- Get away from the microwave.
- What?

I don't want you using
the microwave that much

when you're pregnant...
the rays and the waves.

Didn't you read the parenting
book that I gave you?

- Panic Womb?
- Relax.

I'm not using the microwave.

I'm just getting some coffee.

Don't... don't...
don't sip the coffee!

- What's wrong with you?
- That's even worse.

Right here, A Brave New Dad says

that coffee can stunt
a baby's growth.

I'll read it to you.
Chapter 14.

Don't do that.
It's boring.

I mean, you should
read these too.

Look, I don't have time to read

all your boring parenting books.

You don't have any time
because you're always reading

the baby name books.

Oh, by the way,

what do you think
of the name Femonique?

Warmer, but no.

Look, Min, I need you ready
for when this baby comes, okay?

I made you
a delicious breakfast.

- Close your eyes.
- Ooh, now we're talking.

Okay.
Open 'em up.

- Oh, God.
- What?

- What the hell is that?
- It's oatmeal.

I'm expected to eat this?

It's steel-cut.

It is 9:00 a.m.
on a Sunday.

- Mm-hmm.
- I need eggs.

I need waffles.
I need four kinds of pig's meat.

I don't need
no bowl of oatmeals.

With your morning sickness,
no way.

You got to eat healthy.
Start now.

I have been eating for two
my entire life,

and now I actually
have an excuse.

I'm not gonna waste it
on steel-cut oats.

- Okay.
- Look.

Pregnancy is hard enough
as it is.

You're right.

I am also starting
my own fertility clinic.

Yes, you are.

I had to completely
put my modeling career on hold.

- What?
- I need these simple pleasures.

By the way, you should talk.

Don't think I don't know

about your little
cigarette smoking habit.

No, when I heard about the baby,

I quit smoking cold turkey.

That reminds me.
Cold turkey.

- For protein.
- I'm gonna kill you.

(Jeremy) Good morning.

As you're no doubt aware,
the practice is once again

facing a moment of crisis.

I know!

The homeless guy sleeping
in our courtyard is back.

I keep finding
his trash out there.

I'm buying a BB gun.

You can use my gun.
It's in the fridge.

With Peter having left
and Mindy branching out

to start
her own fertility practice,

we're busier than ever,
which is great,

but we do need to hire
a new doctor immediately.

You know what we need?

Someone modern and cool
who could relate to me

and everyone else
in Generation Hunger Games.

I'm sorry.
Did you say modern and cool?

Psst.
Hello, Dr. C.

No, don't look.

Okay, we're looking
to hire a doctor,

not an aspiring R&B singer.

Sir, I just want one doughnut

on each of my fingers.

It's not that hard to...

I'll just do it myself.

Mindy.
Mindy Lahiri.

Dr. Phillips?

Wow, I haven't seen you
since med school graduation.

You were always
my favorite professor.

Oh, that's nice.
You look great.

Thank you.

Your acne really cleared up.

It actually migrated to my butt,

but thank you.

Oh, I actually saw
the inside of your apartment

in Architectural Digest.

They always have it
in my psychic's waiting room.

And there it was.

Yes, yes, since I've retired,

I have plenty of time
to decorate.

But can I confess something?

I had the hots for you too.

Yes, I got all your letters.

Since I've retired,
I'm a little bored.

Wait.

I may be getting
kind of a good idea.

Our practice is looking
for a new doctor,

and if you're bored,
I might be the answer.

Interesting.

Ron's busy with his hedge fund,

and the twins still
aren't talking to me.

Well, this is perfect.
I'm gonna call you in.

You're gonna meet
the other guys.

- Great.
- So good to run into you.

Good to see you.

Bye, Dr. Phillips.

I love you!

Buh-bye.

Beverly, Beverly.

I found our girl,
so you can tell

Dr. Reed's parade of Melvins
that they're dismissed.

The Melvins have already camped
out in the conference room.

- Oh, God.
- It's very inconvenient.

That's where I lock myself
when I need to be racist.

- I don't think you should...
- Hey, what's the hold-up here?

I came all the way
from the suburbs

to meet for this job.

Sorry, sir, but the suburbs
aren't that far.

The suburbs of Philadelphia.

I need to be back there at 5:00

for my daughter's
cheer competition.

Brenda says
I have to bring juice.

I'm gonnhandle this one
for you, boss.

You're really annoying the lady,

and you got to leave.

Look, I came all this way.
I'm interviewing.

So take this, and go get me
a cup of coffee.

The button hurt my cheek.

You didn't really
take care of that, did you?

Sir, I'm sorry.

The position has been filled

by someone
who would fit in better

with our kind of trendy,
cosmopolitan office atmosphere.

Someone, like, from the mind
of Shonda Rhimes.

Who's Shonda Rhimes?

- [laughs]
- Wow.

Oh, my God.

Who's Shonda Rhimes?

Scandal, Grey's Anatomy,

- How to Get Away with Murder.
- Private Practice.

- Crossroads the movie.
- [clicks tongue]

You know what?
Your loss.

I'm board-certified,
highly recommended.

I got a nice, loud voice.

All right, everybody, let's go.

Job's been filled.

Anybody who wants
a ride to Philly,

we're splitting gas fif-fif.

Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, keep on walking.

Move it, shorty.

Wait, wait,
where are my doctors going?

Chill, Jeremy.

I sent them all home because
I found the perfect doctor...

Suzanne Phillips, bitches.

Suzanne Phillips?
Well, she's amazing.

But isn't she rich and retired?

She might have been retired,

but guess who got to her...
me, Mindy Lahiri.

I got charm and elegance,

like a polished debutante.

[chuckles]

You forgot your barf bucket.

Oh, God.
Yeah, I'm gonna need this.

I can feel it coming up.

(Morgan) Go, go, go, go, go.

- Hey.
- Nothing, nothing, ah!

Knock much?
I could've been watching porn.

Did you forget
about our check-up with Pete?

I was just eating my banana,
my favorite food.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Let's go.

Hey, how are
my favorite MILF and DILF?

- What's up, Pete?
- Hey, Peter.

- How's Texas?
- It's good.

I think you'd
really like it here, Mindy.

- Everyone spits.
- Cool.

Pete, how's it going
with Lauren?

- Things going good?
- We went on a date.

It wasn't really
a date, actually.

Full disclosure...
I rear-ended her with my car

when I was following
behind her too closely,

but now we are having lunch
one time, TBD.

- Oh, Peter.
- But enough about me.

Let's talk pregnancy.
Mindy, how are you feeling?

I'm okay.

I wish I still had my period
to blame my behavior on,

and Mussolini over here
is trying to make me eat better.

Italy's most organized leader...
yeah, I'll take that, Pete.

You know, Mindy,
I'm looking over your chart,

and due to your age and weight,

you fall into a special category

of pregnancy.

What kind of special category?

Like, hot ethnic power moms?

(Peter) Sort of.

Technically, you qualify
as a geriatric obese pregnancy.

How dare you?

(Danny) Stop, stop, no. Don't.

- Mindy...
- Go to hell, Peter!

As your doctor,
I'm officially putting

Danny in charge of your diet.

Okay.

Lahiri, hand over the candy.

Look at this.

- Happy?
- All the candy.

You got to be kidding me.

[sighs]

(Jeremy) Dr. Phillips,
your career is legendary.

You already get on
with this one,

which historically has been
one of the biggest hurdles

to working here.

That's enough.
I'm a dream.

But I do have to ask,

are you really looking
for this much work,

you know, at this stage
of your career?

How much work is involved?

It's not too bad.

I mean, last week,

I only slept on the floor
of my office four times.

I take Sunday mornings off
for church.

Guys, you're not
selling us well.

Dr. Phillips,
this is the sexiest

and coolest office
in all of Manhattan, okay?

I'm doing this guy.

Plus, I'm always
touching everyone.

Okay, okay, stop it.

- If you see anything you like...
- What are you doing?

(Danny) This job's for you

if you show up, say good-bye
to your social life,

and work to the bone.

I-I see you're all very busy,

and obviously, I need
to discuss this with my husband.

(Danny) Of course.

But it's been a pleasure.

Milady, I'll escort you out.

I have your gift bag.

That's my purse.

I put a coffee mug in there.

And may I say, you are
the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen in my life.

Okay, Morgan, stop.
Stop, that's not appropriate.

- Inappropriate.
- Thank you.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Thank you.

[grunts] Didn't trip.

- I was stretching.
- Yes!

(Danny) Okay, there you go.

Why is this steak white?
What's with this green crud?

- Where's my dessert?
- Oh, yeah, I forgot, sorry.

I printed out

these really funny
Yogi Berra quotes.

If you're still hungry,
just read those.

That will definitely
take your mind off things.

Hey, guys.

We're gonna party
like it's my birthday,

'cause it is.

Oh, my God,
it's my favorite kind of cake...

gigantic.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sit down.

Willpower.
Willpower.

If you can give up smoking,
then I can do this.

Yeah.

I can eat this white steak
you brought me.

Chicken.

Delicious.
Mmm, nom, nom.

I am so proud of you.

May this lunch be the beginning

of a lifetime of healthy eating.

A lifetime?
What do you mean a lifetime?

Mangia.

[phone vibrates]

[phone plays tune]

[phone vibrates, plays tune]

Ooh.

[phone vibrates, plays tune]

No.
No, no, no.

Mindy, have you heard
from Dr. Phillips yet?

I'm nervous.
We don't have a backup.

What are you eating?
Is this a joke?

There's a birthday cake here.

Uh, uh...

Yeah, yeah.
You know what, screw this.

We'll have some cake.

- Happy birthday.
- ♪ Happy birth... ♪

Oh, my God, Dr. L, I was gonna
take a selfie with the cake.

This is a great cake.

- We were about to sing.
- Mindy?

(Danny)
I found this half a banana

in my gym bag.

- Hey, sweetheart.
- I just left for two seconds.

They were forcing me to.

(Tamra) You are a damn liar.

I got a baby in there,
and he's cooking,

and he needs
some healthy chicken.

You know what?
You have no willpower, Mindy.

No willpower.

You ruined my birthday.

I need to take
the rest of the week off.

Oh, Tamra.

[raccoon chatters]

Hey, Pepe.

Oh, yeah.

My snacks are pretty gross,
but Danny's right.

I have to eat healthier
for the health of my own litter.

[Pepe chatters]

Want to try some?
Maybe you'll like it.

I've seen you
eat out of the garbage,

and you've seen me
eat out of the garbage.

[chatters]

It's green beans or something.

Pepe.

Just try it, Pepe.

It's not that bad.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, Tamra!
I found the bum!

Hey, you!
Get a job!

Danny?

Danny, are you smoking?

(Mindy) You're chain smoking?

(Mindy)
I cannot believe you, Danny.

Smoking is literally
the stupidest

and most harmful thing
you can do,

and this is coming from a woman

who considered eating cheese
from a mouse trap this morning.

Yeah, not to mention the rubbish

that Doris is gonna have
to clean up

and all the lies
we now have to live with.

The lies, Danny.
Doris, Danny.

I'm sorry.
It calms me down.

I tried painting, but I kept
painting my own tombstone,

and my teacher said
I was bumming everyone out.

All this time,
you were giving me crap

about my prenatal diet
when you were doing this?

This!

Oh, I think that
makes you a hypocrite

or hypocryte.

I've only ever seen
the word written.

Hypocrite.

Let's not fight.
It's a beautiful night.

The moon's out.
You look gorgeous, babe.

[groans] Okay.

Get over here.
Give me a k...

- [pop]
- Ow!

Tamra, you just shot me!

I thought you were the bum.

There's no way you could've
thought I was the bum!

You don't dress that great.
You could've been the bum.

For the last time,
we don't shoot anybody.

You deserve getting shot.

- Ow!
- Shoot him again, Tamra.

- No! No.
- Don't. Don't.

- Do it, Tamra.
- No!

(Danny) Listen up, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.

I'm sorry I let you down, okay?

I'm gonna quit smoking
once and for all.

That's it.
It's over.

We must be the change
we wish to see in this world.

Gandhi said that.

First of all,
John Mayer said that.

Gandhi said,
"The British are coming,"

and that's how he got
independence for India.

Okay, I don't doubt
you think that's true.

Speaking of extraordinary
Indian people,

Mindy, I believe
if you put your mind to it,

you can have a fit pregnancy.

- Oh, do you?
- Yes, I do.

Well, I will start eating better

when you quit smoking.

Great, well,
you can start right now.

It's 8:30 in the morning.
Stop eating cheese puffs.

Guess what, dude, you're
nothing but a drug addict.

Okay, come on,
I'm not a drug addict.

All I know is, somebody needs
to reimburse me for my BB gun.

Danny, as an act of contrition,

you can pick up
the rest of Peter's deliveries

for the rest of the month.

Mindy, you got to concentrate

on finding a replacement
for the disaster

that was Dr. Phillips,
and before you say it,

Dr. Dre is not a real doctor.

Okay, he has an MD in hip-hop.
That is neither here nor there.

Fine, I will do it,
because on some level,

the staffing issue is my fault.

On every level, it's your fault.

I am sorry that
I have some standards

for the people
that I want to work with.

Standards?
We're replacing Peter.

The guy talked like Chewbacca
30% of the time.

[as Yoda]
Pretty good my Yoda is.

Not as good as Jeremy's C-3PO.

Check this out.

I'm not doing
a C-3P0 impression.

This is how I talk.

(Danny)
That's pretty good, right?

Danny, stop smoking.
Mindy, start staffing.

Everyone else, get back to work.

All right.

(Britney Spears)
♪ You want a hot body? ♪

♪ Sipping martinis ♪

♪ Look, you better work, bitch ♪

♪ You want to live fancy? ♪

♪ Live in a big mansion? ♪

♪ Party in France? ♪

♪ You better work, bitch ♪

♪ You better work, bitch ♪

♪ Now get to work, bitch ♪

[pulsing electronic music]

♪ ♪

♪ Now get to work, bitch ♪

♪ ♪

Hello...

Read 'em and weep, Lahiri.

Classic mailboxes
of Suffolk County,

a wall calendar.

No, I haven't had
a cigarette in two weeks,

which means I quit, sweetheart,

so you can say good-bye
to this garbage.

You quit smoking?

- Yup.
- How?

Are you using the patch?
That's cheating, Danny.

No, nicotine patches
are for the weak.

I quit the old-fashioned way:
Self-discipline, prayer,

and putting a picture
of the Boston Red Sox logo

on the pack of my smokes.
[clicks tongue]

When I am stressed,
I need to eat trans fats

and corn syrups,

but it's fine,
'cause in this country,

we celebrate
the extremely overweight

and the terrifyingly slim.

This in-between thing
I was doing,

that was the problem.

I need to just go for it.

I need to get huge.

You know why you have
morning sickness?

Because you eat terribly

and you refuse to modify
your lifestyle,

even though you're pregnant
with our baby.

It's our baby, Mindy.
Come on.

I do not want to be
the only parent

in this relationship.

I don't want that.

Congratulations
on giving up smoking.

That's a really hard thing
to do, and I'm proud of you.

Well, thank you very much.

I wish I could fix myself
as easily as you can,

but I can't.

Now I'm pregnant.
I sweat constantly.

I need to carry
a barf pail around.

My nipples are, like,
nine shades darker

than they used to be.

- Look, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay.

It's not okay.
I am an OB/GYN.

I'm supposed to be telling
my patients what to do,

and the truth is that...

[gulps]

I have no idea...

Babe.
You okay?

Babe.
Mindy.

Oh, here's where
I left my jacket.

And I've been walking around

in my daughter's
cheerleading windbreaker

for the last two weeks.

No, you know what?

A decent person would've called

about a mysterious man's coat,

but I guess you, Dr. Lahiri,

are just
a little too inconsiderate

to think about any...

I'm so sorry.

I puked all over you.

No.
No, it's fine.

Get it all out.
You're gonna be all right.

- I'm usually so elegant.
- You're gonna be fine.

Here, have a seat.

(Danny)
Okay, here you go, champ.

(Danny) Let me save yosome time.

It's garden variety
morning sickness

exacerbated
by poor food choices.

I disagree.

Judging by the contents
of her stomach,

which appear to be
sour candy worms,

mac and cheese,
and what looks like

the acetate strip that holds
a cheesecake in place,

I'd say Dr. Lahiri
has a steel stomach.

(Morgan) Oh, my God!

My angel.
This should be me.

This should be my windbreaker
that's covered in puke.

Easy, she's gonna be fine.
Listen...

I'm gonna be sick again.

- Okay.
- Okay.

It is my medical opinion

that Dr. Lahiri does not have
diet-triggered morning sickness.

She has stress-triggered
morning sickness.

Oh, well, that's
a really cool diagnosis.

I think we know how to treat
Dr. L's morning sickness.

Excuse me, please.
Unbelievable.

All right.
Hey there, old girl.

It's time for a steam.

I'm gonna put you
in the hot pipe room.

I'm gonna wrap you in blankets,
and I'm gonna turn the heat...

No, the last thing
a nauseous pregnant woman needs

is to sit still
in a hot, windowless room.

Excuse me.

Look here, cowboy.

We do it my way,
or we don't do it at all.

I think we should do
what Dr. Bergdahl said.

You sure about that?
I made a bunch of goulash.

No, I don't...
I'm not interested.

Let's get you
out of these clothes.

Wait, Dr. Bergdahl.

Thank you.

Yeah.

(Danny) Unfortunately,
I think your windbreaker's finished.

So what do you think
is stressing out

Dr. Lahiri so much?

She doesn't pay her taxes.

I think she had a hit-and-run
thing in the Hamptons.

I don't know.

It was misleading of me
to ask that

in the form of a question.

What I meant to say is, I think
you're stressing her out.

Me?
Okay, that's ridiculous.

I'm her rock.
Literally.

She sits on me
to think sometimes.

Oh.

Looks like you're trying
to kick something too.

What's your drug of choice, huh?

Is it smack, booze, anorexia?

Oh, come on.

I'm super excited for March.

It's gonna be a great month.

Whatever, man.

All I'm saying is,
when that baby comes,

all bets are off.

You haven't slept in three days.

You got this creature
screaming at you,

won't tell you what it wants.

Maybe you ate
a little baby poop by accident.

You're gonna backslide.

You're gonna go back
to that vice,

and you are definitely
gonna want her

to cut you some slack.

[door opens]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Adrian.

What if I asked you
to work here?

Danny, can't you see
I'm having my supper?

You got to run this stuff by me.

Yeah, well,
I just trust the guy...

I don't know...
and so does Mindy.

But he looks like
the guy who can't sleep

in a cold medicine commercial.

[sighs]

Well, I suppose
we are out of options.

Dr. Bergdahl, would you
like to join the practice

on a trial basis?

Yeah, I'm out of options too,
so you got a deal.

Hi.

So I just walked
Dr. Lahiri home,

and this fedora,

which some of you called
the crime of the century,

caught most of her barf,

so I'll be in my office
accepting all apologies.

No.

Morgan, I'd like you
to meet our new doctor,

Dr. Bergdahl.

[screams and gags]

(Mindy) Yeah, you're pretty
insightful for a giraffe.

Mr. Neck's
a good listener, right?

What?
No.

I wasn't just talking
to your stuffed animal.

- That's ridiculous.
- Okay.

Besides, he claims
to know Brown Bear,

which, like, how would
they have met?

You know why I think you have
so much trouble with willpower?

I don't know, because I'm Hindu,

and on some level,

I feel like I'll have
another shot at all this?

No, no, because
it's really, really hard.

The only reason I'm good at it

is because
my entire religious education

is based
on one man's self-sacrifice.

I mean, why do you think
I wear this?

So people don't think
you're Jewish?

No, please be quiet.

I think
I'm hard on you sometimes

because I'm worried
when the little guy comes

that I'm not gonna know
what the hell I'm doing,

and I need you, Mindy.

I need you to be around.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Danny, I only get upset
with you about your smoking

because I need you around.

I can't do this by myself.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I was so scared when I found out
that I was pregnant,

but I thought the kid will be ne

'cause you're the dad.

Really?

Come here.

One sec.
One second.

Get it all out.

[retches]

(Mindy)
I'm good. Take your pants off.