The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 16 - Lahiri Family Values - full transcript

(Mindy) Every girl dreams
of her perfect proposal,

but when I imagined the day that
Danny Castellano would propose,

I did not imagine it would look like this.

I can't believe we're having a baby.

Okay. Get up.

Get your stuff. Let's go.
We're going down to City Hall.

What? Why?

For a quickie shame wedding.

Quickie shame wedding?

Yeah, we say the baby was conceived today.

Seven months from now, we can be like,



"Oh, wow, we had an 11-pound premie."

Boom, we're good with God.

Let's go. Grab it.

No, no, I don't want you
to propose out of shame.

It should be out of love

or, at a minimum, for ratings
for a reality show, Danny,

and certainly not in the doctors' longue

late at night when Morgan is sleeping

with his hands down his
pants five feet away.

[snoring]

Okay, yeah, maybe now's not the best time.

[hip-hop music]

Hey, buddy boy. What's going on in there?

You make any new friends?



You meet the guts, the kidneys?

Hey, don't let anybody
push you around, okay?

You're a Castellano. I love you.

That's very sweet, but you know what?

I actually need to pack.

Otherwise I'm gonna miss my flight.

Hold on a second. I just want to go over
the state capitals with him one more time.

No, do not make him a nerd.

Okay.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Okay, are you sure you want
to go back to San Francisco?

Why don't you stay here in New York?

You could work until the little guy comes

and then quit and take
care of him and make sauce.

Danny, this is not Boko Haram.

All right? I'm not gonna quit my job.

I still want to start that
fertility clinic with Rob.

- Okay, but you're pregnant.
- It's the 20th century.

A woman can have professional ambitions

and still have a family, I mean rich women.

I get it, but sometimes
family has to come first,

and your family... our family...
is here in New York City.

Well, I have family in San Francisco.

Who, your brother Rishi?

You haven't seen him once
since you've been out there.

Hey, we have made several lunch
plans, and, yes, he canceled them all,

but always for a good reason.

Like, one time, he was working
on this really dope rap.

The other time, he fell asleep.

hm...

But it doesn't matter.

The only family that matters now

is you, me, and little Mindy.

Now, I have to get on a plane.

I'll move to San Francisco with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- To San Francisco?
- I kind of like San Francisco.

San Francisco... it's grown on me.

I don't mind wearing a
fleece to a restaurant.

- It's cool.
- What about your mom?

I'll fly home every Sunday.

Take her to church. But
that's not important.

What's important is exactly
what you just said...

this, us, the three of us.

Thank you, Danny.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Okay, you, pack your
bags. Go to San Francisco.

And I'm gonna stay here in New York,

and I'm gonna break the news to Jeremy.
He's not gonna be happy, 'cause, you know,

we're leaving him in
the lurch. It's not cool.

Just tell him I'm pregnant.

What? No, are you nuts?

No, no, no, no.

We're not telling anyone
until your second trimester.

That's how it works.

Danny, that's such a long time
from now. What if I forget?

And, you, you'll tell
me if she blabs, right?

We stick together. Ah, I love this guy.

Okay, it's probably a girl.

No, no, no, it's a boy.
I can hear his penis.

What?

- Oh, yeah, it's big.
- Oh, God.

(Danny) Oh, just the guy I was looking for.

Jeremy, I need to talk
to you about something.

- Yeah, of course.
- Hold those doors. Oh!

Cliff, how's it going?
Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, I'm actually doing really well.

It's a good time to be a divorce
attorney. I'll tell you that.

Three years after gay marriage, and
those divorces are finally rolling in.

We're actually moving to nicer offices.

Oh, wonderful. See, everybody
is moving to greener pastures:

Peter, Lauren, Mindy.

You know what the brave thing would be?

Be stay behind in your dry, brown pasture
that but for a spark might set ablaze.

Sure, well, let me know
if you hear of anyone

looking for office space.

Oh, Danny, what was it
you wanted to tell me?

Uh...

I wanted to... Do you want my watch?

- Do I want your watch?
- Yeah.

Yes, please.

[whispering] Son of a bitch.

- What?
- Nothing, take it.

Thanks.

Huh.

(Morgan) Yeah, this guy in the subway, I
asked him if he was done with his coffee,

and he was sleeping, so took it.

Wait a minute, Morgan,
is that a dad penguin

protecting his baby penguin
from the Arctic cold?

Well, yeah, it's the "Nature's Dads"
issue, so good call, Eisenstein.

[chuckles]

Can I borrow it?

Yeah, sure.

So cute, it's just nestled up next to him.

Uh, thanks for meeting me here Mindy.

God, I hope my credit's okay.

You know what, Rob? Whatever
happens, we're in this together.

So unfortunately, you have been
denied for your small business loan.

What? Damn it, Gurgler. I'll kill
you. What have you been doing?

Because of your credit, Miss Lahiri.

Ex-squeeze me?

No, no, no, no, I don't think so.

I have exquisite credit.
I have 25 credit cards.

It's not that.

It says you were a guarantor
for an apartment that defaulted.

Oh, no. The apartment that I
cosigned with my little brother.

(Mindy) Wait, fine, my credit's
bad. Do you accept street cred?

Well, Dr. Gurgler's credit is fine.

He could take out the
loan in just his name.

So I-I have to assume all
financial responsibility?

No, I'm a coward in
every sense of the word.

One second, please.

Hey, man, I just convinced
Danny to move out to California.

This is a man who thinks
America ends with Nebraska.

Just... I don't want to give
up on this practice already.

It's gonna be so amazing.

Yeah, it is.

Okay, fine, I'll take out the loan.

Thank you. Hear that, little Mindy?

- We're gonna be a-okay.
- Who's little Mindy?

Um, uh, it's just what I call my crotch.

Oh.

(Danny) Thanks for meeting
on such short notice, Mel.

I want to amend my will.

So you no longer wish to leave your estate

to Annette Castellano and the
Priests of St.Anthony's Defense Fund.

No, I still want to do that.

I also want to include Mindy Lahiri to it.

Why? That woman is terrible with money.

Yeah...

She opened up another credit
card last week for a free cupcake.

Yeah, well, circumstances
have changed, Mel,

and I need to make sure
she's taken care of.

Hey, I have some papers for you to sign.

- Yeah...
- Excuse me, Mel.

I am starting an autograph collection.

You guys continue with
what you were saying.

- No, I'm good.
- You sure?

- Yeah, get out of here.
- I got to go.

Well, Danny, I can make that change
to your will in a couple of days.

Great, 'cause I need all my
affairs in order this week.

(Danny) I don't have much time.

(Mel) Well, I hate to do it, but okay.

(Morgan) Come on, get in, get in.

- Fine. All right.
- Oh, my God.

This better be good, Morgan.

The reason I called y'all in here...

Dr. C is dying.

[both gasp]

What?

Which one's Dr. C?

[groans]

[phone rings]

(Mindy) Hey, Cliff.

It's Mindy, your favorite ex-girlfriend.

(Cliff) Oh, wow, I'm actually
surprised to hear from you.

I'm fairly certain I blocked your number.

(Mindy) Okay, here's the deal.

I need some pro bono legal advice.

Who do I sue to fix my credit score?

Mindy, I don't have time for this,
okay? I'm very busy, all right?

I'm trying to unload my office
space. I got movers here right now.

Oh, cool. Where are you going?

Oh, well, you know... It's a funny...
[phone beeps] story, actually.

Hello? Hello! Damn it, Cliff.

Rishi, it's your sister.
Open this door this minute.

Hey, how you doing? Get in here, okay?

My landlord... he can't catch me outside.

What?

But he can't do anything to me in here,

'cause California's got
mad squatters' rights, son.

That is not how squatters' rights work.

Come here, come here. I missed you so much.

I missed you too.

What the hell, man? Why
haven't you paid your rent?

You totally ruined my credit.

Sorry, woman, it's just
that I'm a rapper now,

and that comes with cash flow problems.

♪ It got hard ♪

♪ I couldn't pay my bills ♪

♪ Now I'm down in the alley ♪

♪ Giving bitches their thrills ♪

That last part's not true, okay?

I haven't gotten laid in six
months. I'm pretty lonely.

Okay, well, that rap was mad
tight, but I am mad-mad at you.

Rishi, you cannot be this little idiot
that I have to take care of anymore,

'cause... spoiler alert...

there's gonna be a new stupid, little
idiot that I have to take care of.

Yeah, I'm gonna have a baby.

You're gonna... In there?

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

It makes perfect sense.
You're totally showing.

- No.
- Yeah.

Not yet, not yet. It's months too
early. Don't go down this path.

Oh, my mistake. Well, anyway,
you should sit down, all right?

Oh, my gosh, wow.

You haven't told Mom and Dad, have you?

Have I told Mom and Dad that I am unmarried
and pregnant with a white man's baby?

No, there is a world in
which I never tell them.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be an
uncle. I cannot believe it.

I'm gonna steal his little nose,
and I'm gonna learn how to do magic.

I'm gonna take quarters out
from behind his little ears.

What quarters, Rishi? You have no money.

I know, but I'm working on stuff.

I've been picking up some odd jobs.

Come on, Rishi, you
have a degree in biology.

You can get a job...

Wait, you could be a med
tech at my new practice.

Really? You think I'd be good at that?

No, but no one except your
sister is ever gonna hire you.

Okay, but first you're gonna
have to interview with my partner,

so please, go put on some clothes.

(Jeremy) Morgan, you're being dramatic.

I don't see how that is necessary.

We never use the white board.

Danny is not dying, guys.

He's the healthiest person I know.
His favorite junk food is raisins.

Well, he has been hella emo lately.

Also, also, he changed his will
today, and he bought a gravestone?

(Danny) Okay, where is everyone?
I'm signing for packages out here.

- change that, Morgan hurry change that
- What are you guys doing? What's up?

Morgan, I told you I'm not
buying lunch anymore, okay?

The last time, you ordered
a T-shirt from the deli.

Okay, I know you're angry, and I
want you to know that I hear you,

and that's okay to feel like that.

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

- Are you free tonight?
- No, I have plans.

But I think grandmother wants to bail.

I obviously not looking in your direction.

You want to come over to my place tonight?

There's ah something really
important I need to talk to you about.

- It's all good. (Morgan) I'm so sorry.

I don't know if you're talking to
me or not. It's a little confusing.

Sure, of course I can come
over. Whatever you need.

Great.

[all whispering at once]

Hey, guys.

Shh.

I know I don't say this a lot,
but... [inhales, exhales deeply]

You're great coworkers and
amazing friends. Thanks.

[hums Death March]

So, Rishi, when Mindy said we should
hire the guy who ruined her credit,

I was concerned. Yeah,
you know, I would be too.

It's just... I was going
through a really emotional time,

and I don't know, Dr. Gurgler,

if you've ever been
through anything like that.

Well, actually I have.

I recently went through
a devastating breakup,

even had a good cry in the
car on the way over here.

But, um, anyway, all is forgiven.

Yeah, boy.

You're the man now, dog.

That is very sweet.

Now, Rishi, why don't you tell him
a little bit about your freelancing?

Oh, that's great. Ah do you
have a reference we can call?

Uh, yes, I do, actually, and
he'd love to talk with you.

I don't know his name, but
if he were here right now...

Sorry, what do you mean
you don't know his name?

I don't know. We just call him Big Murder.

[phone rings]

Your boss's name is Big Murder?

Listen, I've got a very
pressing work matter

that requires my immediate attention,

so I gots to go, but I'll be right back.

Yeah, I'm sor... Wait, what?

Rishi.

Rishi!

Look, I know he's your brother, but...

Listen, I know this has
to be a business decision,

but Rishi is not a charity case.

He got good grades at Stanford,

and I can tell you he is a good kid.

Is he? 'cause it looks like
he's outside dealing drugs.

♪ ♪

I cannot believe you are a drug dealer.

Whoa, all right, I am barely a drug dealer.

I just sell weed and,
like, everything else.

You know what? I'm gonna call Mom and Dad.

And they're gonna kill you,

and then you're gonna get reincarnated,

and they're gonna kill you again.

Yeah, fine, you call them, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna call 'em, and

I'm gonna tell 'em you're knocked up.

Wait, no, no, don't. do
that. Fine, mine is worse.

But you know what?

I'm happy this happened,
because I almost hired

a stupid drug dealer to
come work at my practice.

Oh, hey, you might not believe this,

but marijuana legalization is an
issue that I'm really passionate about.

Oh, do not try to take
the high road on this one.

Mindy Jr., listen up, this
rant... it applies to you.

Marijuana is the worst.
It makes you fat and lazy.

Is that what you think
America's problem is?

There's not enough fat and lazy people?

At least cocaine has an industrious spirit.

"Oh, I'm gonna sell stocks
on Wall Street faster.

Oh, I need to dance more."

You know what? You're coming with me.

We're gonna go to your
boss, and you're gonna quit.

Okay, fine, I'll quit.
All right, just relax.

We're in public. You're illing my steez.

Talk normal! Come on!

(Danny) Hey, thanks for
coming. Have a seat, man.

[sighing]

Look, Jeremy, um

I'm not gonna be at the practice anymore,

because, well, I'm not gonna be here.

Oh, my God. Morgan was right.

What?

Don't say anything else. Danny, I know.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Danny, I'm so sorry.

What? You're sorry?
Look, Jeremy, I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm abandoning the practice.

The very fact that you're even
thinking about the practice

at a time like this... it's a testament

to the selfless way you
lived... live your life.

- Well, thanks, pal.
- You're taking it amazingly.

I have to ask you, aren't you afraid?

Yeah, I don't want to leave.
I'm gonna miss you guys,

not to mention New York-style pizza.

You don't know. Maybe they have that there.

Nah, it's all Chinese food and tacos.

Hey, I'll tell you this much,

I'm gonna come back and visit you.

Oh, my aunt Imogen does
that to warn me of things.

Cool.

How about Mindy? What did she say?

Oh, she was happy.

She said it was the best
present I ever gave her.

- What?
- Yeah.

- What a monster.
- Ah, she's okay.

Hey, you want a drink?

- Get you a scotch?
- Just a second.

- Okay.
- Just a minute longer.

Yup.

- Get in, get in, get in.
- Okay, okay. Whew.

How'd it go?

Yeah, so Big Murder...
he wouldn't let me quit,

but I think it's for the best, you know?

What? He gonna force
you to be a drug dealer?

Seems that way, yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

It's gonna be okay.

I just came here to start a
fertility clinic. No, no. No.

What are you doing?

Woman, where are you going?

Do not tell your father about this.

Hey, you can't kill me! I
tweeted I was coming here.

Leo, I got you covered for award season.

All right, I have to go.

May I help you?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I am
looking for Big Murder.

What are you, like, his math tutor?

You know, I became a drug dealer
to break stereotypes like that.

Wait, you're Big Murder?

They call me Big Murder because
I killed it business school,

but my friends call me Greg, and I
don't know what our dynamic is yet.

Oh.

Well, it is... it is bad.

How dare you, sir,

menace my little brother
into working for you, okay?

The only one that gets to menace him is me.

I didn't menace him.

I offered him a raise,
and he accepted... 20%.

What?

Rishi, what the hell is wrong with you?

Look, I'm sorry, but what
was I supposed to do, okay?

You're not gonna hire me,

and I called up Silicon Valley to get a
job, and they offered me something in HR.

What is that?

Rishi's making a smart business move.

He told me you were only
gonna pay him minimum wage.

Oh, boo-hoo.

First of all, in San Francisco, minimum
wage is, like, $5 million an hour.

He's worth it.

He spearheaded our day after
Thanksgiving Green Friday sale.

He's one of my best guys.

- Really?
- Yes.

Thank you, Big Murder.

I'm sorry.

Are you getting validation from this guy?

What? No.

Oh, my God, you straight up love this dude.

I thought you were in this for
the dollar, dollar bill, y'all,

but really, you just like the
feeling of someone believing in you.

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Everyone else thinks I'm a screw-up.

I can't pay bills,

and did you know that I
keep my side-view mirrors

attached with straight up derkt tape?

Rishi, I don't think you're a screw-up.

Look, I'm sorry that I'm so hard on you.

And, yeah, I know that
Greg is handsome and cool

and that photo implies that he owns a boat.

I do.

Wish I could get down
to the marina more often.

But I'm your sister, and I have your back.

And you know what? You
can still work for me.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I can offer you a 30% raise, and
you can throw a party on the HMS THC.

I mean, I never use it.

Ooh, that's interesting.
Sis, counter offer.

Okay, my counter offer is that if
you continue to be a drug dealer,

I will kill you.

Then I will kill Greg, and I will
burn this building to the ground.

Okay, well, then I will be in the car.

Thanks.

I'll never forget you, Big Murder.

Get out of here. No, you're not
gonna keep in touch with him.

You know what? I'm on to you.

With your perfect face
and your awesome suit.

No, I'm not as stupid as
my hotness would imply.

You know, Dr. Lahiri, I could offer you

seven figures a year
writing phony prescriptions.

I'm in.

I am not in. Good test, though.

Thank you, Greg. Great to meet you.

Good-bye.

[indistinct conversation]

What's going on? What,
are you throwing a party?

I had my dessert for the day,
a cup of orange juice, so...

Danny, in the light of your departure,

the office has put together
a little tribute for you.

- For me?
- Yeah.

Wow, guys, that's really
nice of you. Thank you.

- Morgan and I wrote a song.
- You ready.

(both) ♪ We're gonna miss you, Dr. C ♪

♪ We're gonna miss those eyebrows ♪

I cannot do it. I'm sorry. I don't
understand. Why is this happening?

You're too young and beautiful to die.

What? I'm not dying. I'm
going to San Francisco.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, I told you that last night.

No, no, no, you told me to my face,

"I'm dying. Take care of Mindy.

And by 'take care of,' I mean sexually."

Okay, I never said that.

Why would Morgan make that up?

- Thank you.
- How can you and Mindy leave?

What's gonna happen to the rest of us?

I refuse to work anywhere else.

I love being a paralegal here.

Guys, I'm so sorry for the confusion.

You know what? Don't apologize to us.

Apologize to the Stanton
Island Catholic Boys' Choir.

(boys) ♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet ♪

(boy) You're not dying?

We were supposed to sing
at a bank opening today.

Look, I'm sorry, kids. I'm
a big booster of you guys.

You'll understand one
day. I did it for a girl.

(all) Eww.

"Eww," indeed. Danny, aren't you ashamed,

disappointing singing children
like that? You make me sick.

You know, when you were
dying, we all loved you.

Now you're my least favorite
person in the office.

You're no one to me!

You know what? I've had it with you guys.

Okay, I'm moving away
'cause Mindy's pregnant.

(boys) Eww.

Wait, for reals?

Yeah.

[laughs]

- Are you serious? Oh my golly.
- Yeah.

[all talking at once]

Oh, oh, Morgan Grandmother Castellano.
That's got a good ring to it.

(Mindy) Hey, there you are.

I have great news.

I sorted everything out with
Rishi. He's no longer a drug dealer,

so he can work at the practice now.

Are you insane? No!

All right, this is not
some two-bit family business

where you can store your
unemployable relatives.

This is not Wahlburgers.

Okay, Rob, listen.

I know that hiring Rishi would
be a risky business decision.

Yes.

But he's my brother, Rob,

and more than that, I
want to work at a place

that gives people second chances.

At my old practice, basically
everyone there was damaged goods.

Yeah, well, no wonder you
wanted to leave that place.

[sighs]

Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to.

Wait.

What are you saying?

I don't know, maybe
Mark and Donnie Wahlberg

are on to something.

Maybe when you're starting a business,
only three things should matter:

family, second chances, and
juicy, delicious hamburgers.

I'll pay you back for
the loan, but we're done.

I'm sorry, Rob. Good-bye.

What? Mindy, Mindy!

Mark and Donnie Wahlberg
are never on to something!

(Mindy) I can't believe
I'm leaving Stanford early,

just another pregnant teen drop-out.

I mean, I just feel like such a failure.

Rob was my one shot to get
my own fertility practice.

Well, what makes you
think that that white man

is the only reason you
can have your own practice?

I mean, in terms of
entitlement and personality,

you the whitest man I know.

God, Rishi, that's, like, the nicest
thing that anyone's ever said to me,

but how am I supposed to do it now?

All alone, expecting a baby? Come on.

Well, why not, huh?

I'm doing this fellowship
on my own, and I have Neil.

Sure, it's more work than
I ever had before, but

with my son, I have a better reason
to work than I ever had before.

Huh. My own practice.

Even if I wanted to,
where would I even start?

(Danny) Oh, hey, Cliff.

Danny, how are you?

- Good, how you doing?
- I'm good.

Hey, I heard the big news. Congratulations.

Well, got to tell you,
we're really excited.

Yeah, yeah, and you're the father?

- Yes, of course I'm the father.
- Okay.

You know, Cliff, you may not know this,
but Mindy and I are a great couple.

Okay, cool.

Hey, you know, she called me the other day.

She did? Wait, why?

I don't know. Oh, that's funny.
She's calling me again right now.

- She is?
- Yeah.

Mindy, hey.

Hey, Cliff.

Hey, do you still have
that office space available?

My office space? Yeah,
it is. Why do you ask?

Because I want it.

- You want it?
- Wait, what?