The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 18 - Fertility Bites - full transcript

Building a business
from the ground up is difficult.

From filing permits to picking

the right Georgia O'Keeffe
poster for your waiting room,

the process can be overwhelming,

especially when you
have to constantly supervise

your hired help because
they get so easily distracted.

No, no, no!
Uh! Ah!

- Oh, God.
- Ah!

Oh, God.
Okay, I'm sorry.

Plus, ironically,
burning the candle at both ends

leaves almost no time
for your personal flames.



Here you go, babe.

Aw.
Thank you, sweetheart.

I've also learned that even
when you seek friendly advice

from business pros, they can
feel threatened by your talent.

Kris Jenner, hi!
My name is Mindy Lahiri.

I started
the Lahiri fertility clinic.

Again?
How did she get in here?

Please, please. Your womb
is a national treasure!

If you could just tweet
about my clinic...

But at the end of the day,

there is nothing more satisfying

than seeing the results
of all of your hard work.

Okay, get to it, babe.

Are you guys ready?



Hell yeah.

I've been ready
since I woke up here.

The Lahiri Fertility Clinic
has purchased

some primo advertising space

in a very cool spot
for movers and shakers.

Ta-da!

Okay.
Sir?

Sir, I'm obviously trying
to unveil something.

Could you please move?

Thank you, thank you.

Ta-da!
"We got you, girl!"

I cancelled cardio ballet
for this?

Doesn't that just make you want
to come get impregnated by me?

Is that even you, Dr. L?

The eyes on that woman
are hella blue.

Tamra, I have told you
a million times,

my eyes photograph blue.

She has blue eyes, Tamra.

You look like a werewolf.

I once knew a werewolf.

Can I fix it with a Sharpie?

Can I get one for my bedroom?

I am so professionally
excited this morning.

I have to doff my cap

to Dr. Adrian Bergdahl,

who has done more procedures
this week

than all the other doctors
combined.

It is amazing
what you can accomplish

when you don't spend an hour

planning
your two-hour lunch break.

I think it's really cool
that Dr. Bergdahl is able

to do his one job
while also not being pregnant.

Meanwhile, in addition
to my responsibilities here,

I have started my own business,
the Lahiri Fertility center.

Yes, we know.
You made us all buy merch.

I just want to say,
I love the color.

This is the longest I've ever
gone without being hit by a car.

The setup over there is sick.

My patients are like,
"Are we at a spa?"

I mean, they will say that
once I get my first patient.

Yeah.

I think we should send
all our referrals her way.

Well, that sounds
like favoritism,

but there is
a kernel of truth in it,

and I would like to take
this opportunity...

Oh.

To invite all of you
to our grand opening gala.

There is a dress code.

It's risqué red carpet.
Have fun with it.

But take it seriously, okay?

You come looking like crap,

you're gonna leave
looking like crap,

'cause I'm not gonna let you in.

Excuse me, everyone,
I have an interruption.

Morgan, Beverly, and I are doing
a walk-a-thon to raise money

for a problem
that affects us all...

nurse obesity.

What?
You're all skinny as hell!

Yeah, due to poverty.

We're looking to raise $250,000,
so it'd be great if I could put

each of the doctors down
for $50,000 to start.

$50,000?

Hey. Dr. Bergdahl, I feel like

you're not giving us
your undivided attention here.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

It's just that I don't care
about this at all.

Hey, hey, hold up, let me just
tell you how this office works.

An office is a family.

No, a family is a family,
and between my beautiful wife

and my kids,
who look more like me,

my plate is full
with my own business.

Okay, fine, we get it.

You're rich,
and you own a plate.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.

No, my bagels!

- Hey!
- Those are my bagels!

Those bagels are
Morgan's weekend food!

- Hello?
- Let him have 'em.

I'll starve to death,

and my death will thaw
his icy heart.

Did you see it?
He took the bagels.

Yes, Dr. Bergdahl is gruff,
and he is rude,

but you know who else is?

Chris Christie,
and he's our vice president.

Well, I can't handle
being treated like dirt.

That's why I quit my dream job

doing customer service
at the cable company.

If I can tolerate dress sneakers
at the Met,

you can tolerate
a prickly doctor,

who happens to be
our best worker.

The guy stinks,
and that's coming from a man

who sleeps with
a dozen wet dogs every night.

Okay, Danny, Jeremy,
they're not completely wrong,

and we cannot have our entire
support staff up and quit.

That's how we ended up
with these guys.

- What?
- Hey, I'm slammed.

Can one of you nurses
make me a sandwich?

Nothing fancy,
just ham, mustard, avocado.

Anybody else want anything?
Nurses are making sandwiches.

Do I like I work at Au Bon Pain?

Fine, I'll talk to him.

Will you quit snoozing?

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey!

We have our first patient.

Oh, God.
Okay.

How do I look?
Do I have drool?

Relax, you've never looked
more beautiful.

How do I look?

Nobody cares!
Just send her in.

This way.

Ta-da.

Welcome.
Please have a seat.

Thank you.

So are you accompanyg your
daughter to her appointment?

No, I don't have a daughter.

That's where you come in,
sweetheart.

Morgan, we've been
pranked again!

- Prankster?
- Yeah.

Think it's funny
to prank us, huh?

Wait, I don't understand this.

Yeah, I bet
you don't understand.

- Get outta here.
- Get your ass up, come on.

You're done for the day.

I've never been so insulted.

You are in big trouble,
and I love older women.

It's nice to see you,
Dr. Castellano.

I'm really glad to hear
you're moving forward

with your fertility treatment.

Why don't you have a seat
inside, and we'll get started?

Now, of course there's a variety
of top-notch specialists

here in Manhattan.

Excuse me a second.

Top-notch specialists
right here in Manhattan.

Where were we?

Psst, pamphlet.
Ahem, pamphlet.

I left a pamphlet.

Get away from the door!

Are you okay?

There's a cold
going around the office here.

Oh.

Dr. Mindy Lahiri, for instance,

opened up a fertility practice
right here on this floor,

and she just finished
a fellowship at Stanford.

Interesting.

Has she helped a lot
of your patients get pregnant?

Sh... uh, she's
a very experienced OB/GYN.

Okay.

So she has helped patients
get pregnant?

She has helped them be pregnant.

What... what does that mean?

No, she hasn't had any
fertility patients of her own.

Well, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hey.

So when does she want
to make an appointment?

I'm supposed to see a psychic
about my missing shoe,

but I think
I can move that around.

Babe, I told her
all about you...

You're the best.

And she wanted me to recommend
a more established practice.

And she went with them.

What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
stop, stop, okay, look.

What was I supposed to say
to the woman when she asked me

how many patients
you got pregnant?

Do you want me to lie?

I lie for you all the time!

Remember when I told
that cop in the park

that we were just
two male friends wrestling?

That's different.
I mean, this whole thing.

This is professional.

Look, I believe in you,
but you're just getting started.

Would you get your hair cut
by Vito's trainee, Little Vito?

No, you go to Vito.

Are you comparing my practice

to Little Vito,
the barber trainee?

This is my dream, and you're
supposed to be helping me.

Look, I'll make you
a salad tonight, right?

Kale, grilled chicken,
a little asparagus.

You love my corn on the cob,
right?

A salad?

I thought you were
gonna buy me some jewelry.

I actually don't have time,

because I have to go
work on my practice,

because I'm not getting
any help at all.

Babe, come on.

Little Vito's gonna be
a great barber someday.

Adrian, have you seen the...

Whew. Oh, that's bad.

Oh, wow, would you look at this?

I got an extra deodorant
in my two-for-one deal.

It's from the Al Pacino
fragrance line,

"Scent of a Man."

Nah, I'm good, man.

I couldn't even handle it

when my wife put potpourri
in the bathroom,

but luckily,
the stupid cat ate it,

and that solved
two problems at once.

Hey.
Ooh.

- Yeah.
- Hi, Adrian.

I wanted to talk to you.

The support staff have been
complaining about you.

Oh. Really?
They complained to you?

Maybe the best thing would be
to take them out for a chat.

Yeah, take 'em out for coffee
or deodorant.

I am so, so sorry
you had to get involved.

I'm on it.

- All right, pal.
- Okay, take care.

Have a great day.

I haven't called my lawyer yet,

but put a sub sandwich
in the fridge and you label it...

Hey, you got a problem with me,
you bring it to me.

I did not become an OB/GYN

just to deal
with a bunch of whiny babies!

Don't be coming in here
yelling at us.

You don't even talk to us.

Yeah, do you even know
what my job is?

I mean, I definitely know it.

I just want to hear
someone else say it.

Dr. B, we're willing
to overlook this incident,

if you are willing to make

a sizable donation
to our fund-raiser.

Yeah, I'll donate
to your fund-raiser.

Yes.

From the cold depths
of an icy hell!

I don't know how much
we've raised now.

Okay, calm down.

- You need to fire Dr. Bergdahl.
- Yeah.

Either he goes or we go.

Fine, I'll talk to him.

In fairness, he does seem
genuinely disturbed.

I don't feel safe.

Oh, this stinks, Morgan.

No, they smell like feet.
It's fine.

What is to become of me?
My modeling days are over.

You got nice feet.

You could pose these on some
decent foot fetish websites.

Thank you, that's the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

You're welcome.

If only I knew but one couple

that was having
fertility problems.

Ugh, why are all my friends
glamorous and 21 years old?

Oh, my God!

I know just the person!

Okay, I'm pregnant.

I know,
so you got to be careful, girl.

I... okay.

I actually know someone
who could really use your help.

He and his girlfriend
have been having

a very hard time
getting pregnant.

What?
That's so great!

And the best part is,
you already know 'em.

No. No.

My sperms are bad.

I'm sorry to hear that,
Cousin Lou.

It took a lot of courage
for me to come in here today.

Usually that's something
that I say, but...

I think
it's because he always refuses

to wear the apron
at the dentist.

My reasoning is that aprons
are for girls,

and it's ironic that,
in trying not to be a girl,

I became less of a man.

I'm not an orthodontist,

but I wouldn't be
too hard on yourself.

I have a tendency to do that.

I'm going to do
whatever I can to help you.

I can't believe I'm gonna be
a first cousin once removed.

Now, before I hand over
the Tookers family jewels

to pay for my new testicles,

I need to know,
you have done this before, yes?

This?

Lou, I'm offended
you even asked.

Obviously.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just doing
my dude diligence,

and Sandra is doing
her chick diligence.

Now, may we ask, how have
your patients fared in the past?

My patients will have done
very well.

Wait a second, did you just use
the future pluperfect?

I was
a substitute English teacher.

Yes, technically
I have not had a patient yet.

Okay, Sandra, we're just
gonna have to figure out

another way to get a baby.

Oh there's that drunk nanny

down at the park
that always falls asleep.

I mean, look, if Mindy
can't get someone pregnant...

Wait, wait, wait!
Stop, stop, stop!

Um, what if I told you
that I got myself pregnant?

Yeah.
Danny and I are expecting.

Wait, you were having problems
with fertility just like us?

Yeah, just like you,
and now we're doing great.

Well, if you could
get yourself pregnant,

then that's good enough for us.

We're in!

Really?

I mean, great, my first patient.

To think, Dr. Castellano's
shooting blanks just like me!

- Yep.
- His sperm's no good either!

Have

to pay for this in installments,

but if it's good enough
for the Puerto Rican guy

at the couch store, it's
good enough for you, I assume.

- Okay, yup, time to go.
- Thank you.

Bye.

Our first patient!

- Hey. Ce here, come here.
- Wow, first...

- Ow! My ear! My ear!
- Over here, over here.

Come on, how could you tell
Cousin Lou

that Dr. C has issues
with infertility?

When I signed on to be
a partner at this practice...

Okay, you are not a partner.

You are a handyman,

and you're not even
good at that.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh! Ah!
- Stop, stop, get off of me.

For the last time, you cannot

jump into my arms
when you're surprised.

Okay, look, I can't be party

to any kind of deception
around here.

Okay, yes, I let a white lie
go a little too far.

- Yeah.
- But Danny never needs to know.

Okay, you have to come clean
and be mature, because...

- Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
- Ah!

I'm so glad we're
getting rid of Dr. Bergdahl.

That guy better not ask me
to write him a recommendation.

I mean, I will, but...

Wait a minute,
what the hell is that?

It's Dr. B.

Oh, my God, is he dead?

All his clothes are
hanging in the backseat,

he's grumpy all the time,
and he smells bad.

Dude is living out of his car.

That's why he's hoarding
the bagels... he's broke.

And thanks to us,
Dr. Reed's gonna fire him.

Gosh, I've never felt
this guilty before,

and I'm the one
who told de Blasio

not to care
what the po-po thinks.

We need...

- Ohh.
- Really?

Can you believe the turnout
at this party?

Oh, yeah.

There's more people here
than were at my trial.

I placed an ad for the clinic
on Goop.

Oh, my God, that's a great idea.

It cost 10 grand,
would've paid 20.

What?

Relax, don't worry,
we'll expense it.

I pay for the expenses.

You and I are the only people
who work here.

You gotta take this up
with business affairs.

I'm business affairs.

I'm gonna go get you
some lobster.

Chill out.

You got lobster?

Okay.

Hey, Dan.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, look, man, I always knew
that we were close friends,

but I always used to think
that all we had in common

were good looks
and brain smarts.

You're Lou, right?

Yeah.
Hey, look, man,

we can do anything
that regular guys can do.

Yeah, I never thought
I couldn't.

Hey, that's the spirit, chief.
Hey, you know what?

You and me are gonna grab
a couple of motorcycles,

file off the serial numbers,
head down to Baja,

see what kind of trouble
we can get into.

Couple of masculine guys
like us, right?

Uh, maybe you should leave
that sort of thing for Morgan.

No, no, no, he wouldn't
understand our situation.

You and I, we're cousins now.
Cousin Dan.

Hey, Cousin Dan.

This is so exciting.

When I heard your story,
I had to come see for myself.

A pregnant Indian-American woman
starting her own business.

I'm hoping that they do
a documentary series about me.

I mean, it's so brave
that your boyfriend is so public

about his problem.

Most men would be mortified.

Yeah.

Go, go, go, go.

- Hey.
- Hey, there you are.

When we told you
to fire Dr. Bergdahl,

you weren't dumb enough
to listen to us, were you?

Yeah, you cannot fire Dr. B.

You insisted that I fire him,
so I f... I fired him.

- Oh! Damn it!
- Oh.

You really stepped in it now.

Do you know the guy is
living in his car?

Yeah, just goes to show you,
hot guys have problems too.

What are you talking about?

He's living in squalor.
He's a total Beverly.

I didn't want to get rid of him
in the first place,

but if you want to hire him
back, please, go hire him back.

- Yes!
- Yes! Go.

Can we hire anyone or just him?

Just him!
Just him.

Okay.

Everybody, excuse me,

I'm sorry...
sorry to interrupt the night.

Just gather around
just a minute,

grab a glass.

It's a really,
really important night,

and I just want
to say a few words

about an honest,
hardworking woman.

Sorry, excuse me.
Hey.

You don't need to do this.

In fact, I think we should go.

This party's lame as hell.

Hey, babe, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

I want to take this opportunity

to congratulate the mother
of my child, Mindy Lahiri.

How she pulled this off
all on her own,

I can't even conceive.

Oh, no.

That was then.
You can now.

She didn't need me.

This all started with this guy
in San Francisco.

Actually, he was
a friend of mine.

Oh, God.

Very cool.

She came back, boom,
the seed was planted.

Okay, that's good.

Thank you very much, honey.
Those were such great words.

Why don't you go wait in
the elevator and grab our coats?

Okay, well, I'm not
actually done talking.

I just want to say
a few more things.

I'm honored
to sit on the sidelines.

I'll sit on the sidelines
as she grows and grows,

and I watch her,
and she's growing.

You're a good man.

I would like to make a toast.

Just pop this out here.

Watch out, guys,
this thing's gonna pop.

Oh.

You gotta be kidding me.

That's funny, I just popped
a cork, and nothing came out.

Don't worry,
happens to the best of us.

To Mindy Lahiri.
Salud.

- Salud.
- Mindy.

You want me to say
anything else? You good?

No, no, that's great.
Yeah, thank you.

- Okay, all right. I'm gonna...
- Go to the corner.

- Don't talk to anybody.
- Okay, yeah.

I want to encourage
everyone here to, you know,

keep to themselves
and maybe not talk

about things like
who impregnated who

or who is infertile
and who isn't.

Mindy said I what?

Oh, God.

Everything works
fine... better than fine, okay?

I got her pregnant
all by myself.

You know what,
it was a total accident.

Honey!

Everything I know about your
reproductive health is a lie!

Okay,
that's a little dramatic, Lou.

I took a drama class at the Y.

Does everybody here
want to hear the story

of how it happened
with me and Mindy?

I'll tell you how it happened.

It was
a beautifully romantic night.

He made me
a gorgeous candlelit dinner,

and then, holding my hand,
he took my virginity.

That's how I became pregnant
with this little guy.

No, it was New Year's Eve,
Times Square.

Mindy and I are there,
and I'm feeling good

'cause I just estimated
my tax returns.

She's got the 2015 glasses on,
and she looks hot.

Oh.

The next thing you know,

we're knocking boots
under the Lion King billboard.

I guess we were a little
Hakuna Matata about protection.

I should have been more Matata!

I'm gonna get a slice.

You know what?

You're a real scumbag,
and that's coming from me.

Let's get out of here.

Well...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're too late!

That's how Grandma looked
when she swallowed her tongue!

We gotta save him!

Ah!
What the hell?

Oh, my God. I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.

What... you got the...

What are you doing?

You get me fired,
you break my window,

and then you wake me up
from a good dream?

I got hit by a city snowplow,

and I was living
off the settlement money, man.

It was like a dream come true.

Look, Dr. Bergdahl, we're not
here to antagonize you.

We actually got you rehired.

Also, we've decided to be
our most Oprah selves,

and we're gonna give you
all of our fund-raiser money.

What?
Come on.

You're actually gonna
give me $250,000?

No way.

It's $187, but the gesture
is just as generous.

Also, all the money's pledged,
so if you really want it,

you probably have to call
and follow up...

Oh, it's very nice of you,
but I can't accept.

Hey,
why don't you stay at Dr. L's?

She has an apartment
she doesn't even use.

Hey, can I ask you
a random question?

Why would a successful doctor
need to sleep in a car?

I'm kind of on the outs
with my wife, Alice.

It's why I'm not staying
at my place,

and yes, I could probably
go get a place of my own,

but I feel like that would
kind of be admitting

that my marital problems are
more than just temporary, so...

That's it, that's all my dirt,

you got it all,
so I hope you're happy.

My turn.

Pretty sure
my grandmother's my mom.

No, I don't need
to hear this, really.

But I do want to apologize
to you, Tanya,

and you too, Mervin,
and especially you, Madison.

Well, it's about time
you learned our names.

No.

Adrian's coming.

Hey, Mindy, I've been thinking,

and I've decided
I'm gonna give all my patients

the hard sell to go
to your fertility practice.

Really?

Is it because,
in your short time here...

I've become
a kind of mentor to you?

What?
No.

It's because you have
an apartment you never use.

So you let me crash there,
I give you patients.

Ooh, horse trading.

We're like
two fat-cat politicians

smoking cigars
in a political cartoon.

You know, I do have a sash
that says "Wall Street."

Yeah.
Do we have a deal?

Yeah.
We have a deal.

You can stay at my apartment
as long as you want.

And you can use
whatever you like.

You know, my TV, my shower,
my stereo, my shower.

I get it, I get it.

There's a spy cam in the shower.

Don't worry, I'll put on a show.

Hey, made your favorite dessert,
cut-up apple.

I don't like apples anymore.
My friends all know that.

Okay.
That's obviously not true.

I saw you eating an apple
earlier today.

Look, I'm sorry.

How could you spread lies
about my guy?

My guy's the best.

Sweetheart, I am really,
really sorry.

To think that I spoke ill
of an organ that has brought

so much happiness to me
and other women...

Too many women.

Oh, God, why did I go
down this path?

You know...

it's just, this new practice
makes me nervous.

I mean, we're both
always really busy,

but I could always
see you at work,

and now I can't
count on that anymore.

Well, if you want to see
more of me,

I have some good news.

What?

I think I'm ready to move in.

You are?

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic.

Do you really want to move in,
or is this just an excuse

not to clean your place?

Uh, it's a little bit of both.

- Okay.
- But I found a perfect tenant.

He stinks real bad,
and he doesn't pay rent.

- Bergdahl.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, what do you think about us
having a housewarming party

even though I'm just moving
into my boyfriend's apartment?

Absolutely not.

We have to rethink
the decor in here.

I was thinking Arabian Nights.

No, no, too political.

Okay, Moulin Rouge.

No.

Romeo and Juliet?

- Nope.
- Great Gatsby?

Okay, enough with Baz Luhrmann.