The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 1 - We're a Couple Now, Haters! - full transcript

If you had told me five years
ago that I, Daniel Castellano,

would be dating Mindy Lahiri,
I would have said, "oh,

is everyone else on the planet dead?"

I was kind of a dick back then.
What?

Oh, my... hey.

(Danny)
Sure, there were ups and downs,

but we finally found each other.

Can you believe it?

Me, the man that thought that
love had forsaken him, finally...

Shut up and do me.

(Mindy) After years of dating losers
and sociopaths,



I'm now happily dating
the man of my dreams,

a devout catholic divorcee with
some pretty serious dad issues,

which, for a single 30-something
woman, is not too shabby.

But it hasn't been easy.
Cantaloupe?

I've had to move
out of my comfort zone.

Very sweet.
Thank you.

[Gagging] You okay?

Mm... mm-hmm.
No, it's good.

And Danny has had to change too.

Danny, please come out.

[Sighs]

But what is a relationship

if not doing things you hate
in between sex sessions?

And speaking of sex, I've learned
that Danny gets turned on



by some pretty unusual music.

[Boston's more than a feeling]

♪ It's more than a feeling ♪

♪ More than a feeling ♪

♪ When I hear that old song
they used to play ♪

♪ More than a feeling ♪

♪ I begin dreaming ♪

♪ More than a feeling ♪

♪ Till I see my Marianne walk ♪

♪ Away ♪

[Knocking]

(Danny) Yeah?

Hey, Danny, can I have your
professional opinion on something?

I need someone of your expertise.

Of course.

I was hoping you'd ask me
how to be a better doctor, Pete.

Now, what can I help you with?

I heard you're good with your mouth.

What does that mean?

I heard you're, um...

I heard you're good with your mouth.

[Object clatters]

What?

Mindy told me.

And as you know, I've never
given a woman an orgasm.

She says you're like a thirsty
camel at a desert oasis.

I don't know if she's referring
to a technique, or...

Where's Mindy?

She's in the staff meeting
that started five minutes ago.

Better get that hot
little tongue of yours in there.

What?

[Whispering] Hey, what the hell?

(Jeremy) Danny, take a seat.

Thank you for coming
to this important meeting.

Every year I try to get
a charity initiative going.

Every year, without fail,
no one wants to help me.

Okay, I don't know
why you're looking at me.

I am mad charitable.

I donated two cans of soup to
get into a Katy Perry Q&A.

This year, therefore,

I'm holding a fundraiser
for our favorite charity

with my old college chum, Lauren.

Hi.
(Peter) Yeah.

That's my girlfriend.
[Chuckles]

Give it a twirl, girl.
No. No, babe.

(Peter) Show everybody.
No, babe. Shh, shh, shh.

I'm so happy you're
all participating in this,

albeit against your will.

Doctors without molars

provides much-needed orthodontic
care to the third world.

What about my world?

Our PPO wouldn't cover
my colored braces

'cause they were
"medically unnecessary."

Those cute little braces
you're always talking about?

Yeah.
Okay. That is so unfair.

And I'll tell you why that happened.

Because men...
Control healthcare.

And you know what else?

If there were braces for your penis,

we would not be in this situation.

(Peter) Okay, that...
How about a charity...

That helps girls who want
to look bangable at work?

"Braces for penises"
is what we would call it.

That's... this is not...
(Beverly) I can't go.

I have tickets to an execution.

Hmm.
I can go but cannot pay.

And I need someone to keep me
company while I'm there.

Dr. C, you're staring right at me.

The job is yours.
No, no, no.

I was looking at you
because you were talking.

Nevertheless.
[Whispers] Wrap it up. Damn it.

(Jeremy) I'm gonna shut this down
before it spirals.

I'll see you all in a couple
of days, Lauren's apartment.

Everybody get back to work.

Everyone, get back to work.
Good meeting, though.

What are you telling everybody
about me? Everything!

You're welcome, by the way.

I moved the router up high so
you wouldn't trip on the wire.

A pretty girl like you
shouldn't trip on a cord,

bust that beautiful face open.

I think you have
a very nice face yourself.

You should see my calves.
Who are you?

This is cousin Lou.

You know, my cousin Lou
I'm always talking about,

and you're like, "Morgan,
no one cares." This is him.

That's cousin Lou?
(Morgan) Yeah.

Dr. Reed hired him to do I.T.

You know, we get a tax credit
every time we hire an ex-con.

Well, I'm just so happy
to work at a place

that allows hunky drifters like
yourself to get a second chance

for hopefully committing
a white-collar crime?

Oh.
Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.
No. But don't worry.

Morgan and I went to jail
for boosting cars.

Look...
"No more stealing cars"

Dr. C.
I don't...

I stayed in jail for murder.

Richard Lewis came to entertain us.

You killed Richard Lewis?
No! No!

The guy next to me was heckling
him, so I stabbed him.

He loves Richard Lewis.
Yeah.

Okay, guys, want to step out
and just give us a minute?

Let me say one thing.
Cousin Lou is on the market.

Can you imagine
if you married my cousin?

Thanksgivings at your house.

Christmas at your house.

Ramadan at your house.
Big month for you.

I'm not into that as much.
I'm not... I'm not... I'm also not...

Well, she is Muslim,
very devout Muslim.

I'm not. I mean,
it's fine to be, I'm just not.

You're not Muslim?
No.

Hmm.
It's okay.

You know what, I'll think about it.
I think that's a nice offer.

Okay, look, I get it.

I'm not well-read, well-traveled,
and our family's trash.

(Morgan) Yeah.

But I'm a white man who's
interested in you.

Okay, we don't eat popsicles
like that here.

That's not what I heard, homeboy.

I heard you're pretty
good with your mouth. Oh!

Why is everybody at work talking
about how I'm good with my mouth?

Oh, because it's true.

[Sighs]

Wait, are you mad?

Okay, Danny,
you can just tell everyone

that I'm really good with my mouth.

Eh...

How... dare you?

I mean, you're okay.

You certainly thought
I was okay last night.

It was better last night.

Look, I appreciate
that you value my skills,

but I can't be open with you
if everything I say or do,

the whole office is gonna know.

Danny, that's who I am.

I need to be able to come into
work and say to everyone,

"Danny and I had sex
on the subway last night,"

and then get everyone's take on it.

But if this is gonna work out,
you can't be like that anymore.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay.
Yeah.

I can do that.
Sure you can do that.

I can change the very core of me.

Okay, come on, hey.

You can do it.
Hmm.

[Knocking]

(Peter) Danny, can you show me

that move you do called
the Staten island handshake?

Mindy says it made her pass out.

Peter, I don't think that was me.

I think that was somebody else
who told you that.

No, you said you thought
you were gonna melt

in your duvet cover, remember?

Hmm.
Yeah, that sounds like me.

Damn it.
Has anyone seen my talc?

I need it. It's humid.

Okay, just return it,
no questions asked.

(Lauren) What about
this catering company?

[Quirky music]

Mm.
[Groans]

Danny, do you have any t-shirts
that are not a boy's size medium?

Eh, if you got it, flaunt it.

Right, well, that doesn't
really help me very much.

Oh, guess who kept her mouth
shut all day

about our personal business?

Like, last night, how when you
climaxed you said, "whoa, Nelly"?

I am very proud of you.

Thank you.
And, as a reward...

I have some...
Very interesting information.

Is this boring,
like all the states' capitals?

No. You have to promise me
you won't tell anyone.

Okay. I won't tell anyone.

Wait, is this gossip?

No, I'm not gossiping.
I don't do that.

This is just me reporting

the questionable goings-on
of people we know.

Okay.
So tonight...

Yeah?
I'm leaving the office,

ready to hit the gym...

Not the boxing gym, my regular gym...

Yeah.
Because Terry at the boxing gym...

He drives a bus on Wednesday.

Yeah.

Usually on wednesdays, I like to go...

Oh, my God,
you're telling this so badly.

I'll tell you about Terry later.
Okay.

The point is, I saw Lauren and
Jeremy alone in the conference room,

and he was rubbing her.

He was honking her breasts?

No, he was rubbing her neck.

Whoa, Nelly.

There's something definitely going on.

Peter's not delivering in the bedroom,

and they're planning
this charity thing together.

I would never let my woman plan
a charity event with some guy.

I would never do it.

And I would never plan
a charity event.

Danny, that was really good
interpersonal chit-chat.

Thanks.

Except I do feel bad for Peter,

because honestly, Lauren's
the first girlfriend he's had

who I haven't wanted to kill.

Yeah, it's tough out there.

Hey, Danny?

Yeah?

Who is diamond?

Whose diamond what?

Uh, don't... put that...
Put that back.

Don't go through my stuff, Mindy.

I... I don't go through your stuff.

Don't go through my drawers.

Yeah, but I don't have pink
thongs with "diamond" on them.

Does this belong
to your ex-girlfriend?

God, she must have been really thin.

Don't worry about her.
Just put it back and let's...

I don't even think
I could fit this on my arm.

Don't put it on your arm.
Just drop it.

It's okay to have things from
your ex-girlfriends, you know?

I have a box of my ex-boyfriend's
hair, but I keep it for curses.

Okay, that's it.
That's the end of this, okay?

Danny, what are you doing?

I said that's the end of that,
okay? Drop it.

Peter. Peter.

Am I being paranoid?

Last night I found
something very disturbing

in the back of Danny's dresser.

Is he wearing eyelash extensions?

I knew it!

Those things are way too long.

The other day, one rubbed
up against the back of my ear.

Ah, no, that's not it.
This is what I found.

You know what?
Never mind.

This is not something
that I need to discuss

with someone outside
of my relationship.

So I'm just gonna
go back to my office,

and I'm going to spiral out
about it by myself.

Good for you.
Oh, wait, before you do that,

can you look at something real quick?
Okay.

I was thinking
about buying these for Lauren.

What do you think?

Peter, those are huge.

Are these really expensive?
Yes.

Did I have to divest myself
from pube startup

in order to afford them?
Double yes.

But, you know, a chick like Lauren,

she comes around once a lifetime, and...
I think I love her.

Don't buy those earrings.
What?

Don't buy those earrings,
Peter, I beg of you.

Why?

I just feel like...

Maybe Lauren
doesn't feel the same way.

About me?

No, not about you, not about you.

About jewelry.

She might like a...
A different kind of jewelry.

Okay.
Like what?

Like a tiara.

Tiara. Very cool.

'Cause she's my queen.

I like it.

Much more expensive,
much harder to find,

but I'm in it for the long haul.

Okay, well, happy that I could help.

Hey, what's with the stripper thong?

Stripper thong?

You know.

Snaps.

Oh, my God.

[Text chime]

[Chime]

[Sighs] Damn it.

I can picture Danny
with any one of these.

Why are you looking
at pictures of strippers?

What? How'd you know that?

I can see the reflection in your eyes.

You're such a snoop.

God, you can't be a stripper.

I mean, you got the body, yeah.
But can you dance?

[Mutters] I don't think so.

Okay, shut up.

Just come in and close the door.

I tried to keep my mouth
shut the entire day,

and I just made everything worse.

I need to tell you this,

but you have to promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody.

I found this stripper thong
in the back of Danny's dresser.

And Jeremy was giving Lauren a
shoulder rub in the conference room.

A shoulder rub?

I only give a shoulder rub
when I'm expecting

a you-know-what rub afterwards.

I know, I know.
A sex rub.

I... I know.
Sex rub.

I sai... I know.

You talked over me.

I don't want to live in a world

where a rude schlub
like Peter can lose his woman

to a handsome, decent man.

I know!

And I don't want to work in a place

where Dr. C has to hide
his man's thong in his drawer.

Men's thong?

This is a men's thong.

Look at the pouch right here.

This is where the wiener would go.

"Hello."

"Diamond Dan"?

Oh, my God.

Danny is the stripper.

(Jeremy) Thank you for coming
to Lauren's.

I'm sure everyone's having a lovely
time using their teeth tonight.

Now imagine a world where
dental care is nonexistent.

I can't believe I'm missing
Sheena's tap recital for this.

Everything all right, Tamra?

Nah, Dr. C,
actually it's not.

First of all, my phone
is dead, as per usual.

Secondly, I think it's messed up
that Dr. Reed and Dr. That-Lady

are hooking up behind
Dr. Prentice's back.

How did you know that?

Morgan told me.

He heard it from Dr. L.
Everybody knows.

(Lauren) Firsthand ten years

ago on a service trip.
Okay...

Yeah, I said to Lauren,

"my, these village children are
so photogenic. Why is that?"

(Lauren) We discovered it was because

doctors without molars...
[Whispering] Hey! Hey!

I've got to talk to you.

Oh, me?
Yeah.

I need to talk to you.
Get in there.

Get in there.
I gotta talk to you.

Okay. After you.

Get your big ass in there now.

(Both) What the hell?

Did you tell Morgan
about Jeremy and Lauren?

Did you used to be a stripper?

Uh...

[Sighs]

Okay, we both did bad things.

Let's get back to the party while...

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't think so, pal.

I have spent the last day and a half

thinking that you were
obsessed with an ex or worse.

It's embarrassing, okay?

I did it to pay for medical school.

Wait, I thought you worked
on a deep-sea fishing boat

to pay for medical school.

I tried. I kept getting
thrown from the boat

because I was too light.

Danny, you can't just shut down
because you have a secret.

Okay, look, you know why
I didn't tell you?

Because I don't trust you
with my secrets.

Why do you have
so many secrets, Danny?

You're an OB-GYN.
You're not Batman.

What the hell, man?

You said we were gonna hang out
at the party, diamond Dan.

You're unbelievable.

I told him because I...
You are unbelievable!

I'm out there talking to some
orthodontist from Syosset.

You will not have to worry
about these problems

when you're a tookers.

There's a lot
of other problems, though.

Dyslexia, alcoholism, no
short-term memory, alcoholism.

Excuse me.

Man, so much drama
at this vagina clinic, huh?

I know, it's a real
soap opera in here.

Speaking of that, did you hear

about Lauren and Jeremy
doing it behind Peter's back?

I'm Peter.

You're Peter, too?

No, I'm th... I'm that Peter.

The Peter we're discussing right now?

Oh, man, oh.

That is so embarrassing for me.

I'm so sorry.
No...

But, seriously,
everybody's talking about it. Okay.

Yeah, and nobody's talking about
this amazing dental charity.

You know, that's a crime.

And I'm a criminal, all right?
So I should know.

I got to go for a second.

All right, you have a good one.

Oh, hey, girl.

My phone is charging slow.

Is the electricity here
normal electricity,

or is it some of that
low-flow eco bull?

I don't know what you're asking.

Hey.
Hey.

Tamra, could, um...
Could we have a second alone?

Sorry. I got too many
celebrity phone numbers.

I can't just be leaving my phone.

Okay.

What's up?
[Ahem]

I just... I'm gonna
ask you a question,

and I know it's crazy,
so just humor me.

Did you have sex with Jeremy?

What?
Of course not.

[Laughs] That's what I thought.

I mean, he gave me a backrub.

So what?
That's nothing.

And then we... we kissed.

Oh, damn.

Oh, you kissed Jeremy?
Peter, I am so sorry.

It's just Jeremy and I have been

spending so much time together...
[Chime]

Tamra, are you recording this?

Sorry, it's just
hella dramatic, though.

(Lauren) Please stop.
Peter!

A good smile can build
confidence and self-esteem.

I myself have benefited
from a perfect smile and teeth.

[Crowd gasps]

Are those teeth up for grabs?

[Playing let it go on piano]

♪ ♪

[Pounding at door]

Yeah?

(Morgan) Open the door.
I hear you playing frozen.

[Pounding on door]

I hear you, I hear you.

Can you hear me?
Don't be mad.

Cousin Lou took your wallet.

What?
Give me that.

Sorry.
I'm a thief.

He's a thief.
Okay, uh, Lou?

When I first started
working for you dorks,

I had one mission... to lock down
that rich Indian spinster

so I'd never have to fix another
printer again in my life.

I thought, piece of cake, Lou.

No offense, but I'm taller,
I'm jacked,

I got calves that could crack walnuts.

But every time
I start flirting with her,

she'd go on and on about
how got such a great mouth.

You can't keep secrets, diamond.

You got to be open
with the people you love.

I, too, have been harboring a secret.

Let me tell you a story.

You're already telling us a story.

Diamond, let the man speak.

Many years ago, my cousin
Morgan and I were stealing cars,

and the cops came.

I got caught,
but Morgan, he went free.

It was eating me up inside,

that I was sitting
in that jail cell rotting

while Morgan was out there
free as a bird.

So I ratted on him,
and he came to jail with me.

Wait, what?

Now, aren't you happier that
I finally told you the truth?

What the hell, man?

If I hadn't ratted you out,

we would have never spent
two years sharing a bunkie.

And now, we're closer than cousins.

We're best friends.

He's right.

[Laughs] He's right.

Yeah?
Yeah.

See, diamond?

The truth will set you free.

[Playing random notes]

I do not know how to play a piano.

All right, well, that was fun.

I think you guys should head out.

Take this off here.
Yeah.

Why don't you guys hit the road?
We'll do it another time.

That was great.
Yes. Yes, yes.

Hey, remember,
the truth will set you free.

What are you doing
kissing Lauren anyway?

I thought you...
I thought you were gay.

I'm not gay.
Why would you say that?

What do you mean, you're not gay?

Who's that old guy you were
dating th took us out to dinner?

That was my father.

That was your dad?

You guys have
a very unreadable chemistry.

Look, I know what I did was horrible.

And, yeah, you've got
every right to be mad at me.

But I want to see
where things go with Lauren.

What?

I like her, Peter.

And, yeah, if we date, then
people will raise their eyebrows,

but look at Woody and soon-yi.

Everybody hated them at first, and
now they're America's sweethearts.

So you think you can
just steal my girlfriend?

You think that she would choose
some fresh-off-the-boat Rando

instead of me?

Well, we'll see, won't we?

I will knock another tooth out.

You just hit me with your peas.

Careful, this tiara cost $8,000!

[Groaning]

Can you stop filming me, please?

What, I can't film my life?

Some white slob eats fast food
every day and wins a Oscar?

Come on, one of y'all throw a punch.

My phone battery's about to die.

We'll see.
Yeah, we will see.

I live in that direction.
I live this way.

(Danny) What are you, crazy?

Your door was wide open.

What if I'd been a murderer?

Well, if you'd been a murderer,

I would have stabbed you
with my knife.

Oh, God.
Oh, I'm so... I'm so sorry!

Great, Danny.

I probably just killed someone,
and I lost my best knife.

Okay, move over, Zorro.

Zorro?
Yeah.

I'm too young to understand
that reference.

I don't know how we're
gonna be in a relationship

if you don't trust me.
I do trust you.

If you'd just shut up for a
second, I can prove it to you.

And you shouldn't tell
your girlfriend, "shut up."

It's not nice.

Okay.
So I made a list.

I was once a stripper
named "diamond Dan,"

and I did it to pay for med school.

And the savings help me pay off my
mother's mortgage on her house.

I always told you
I didn't have a middle name.

That's not true.
It's Alan.

It's actually my dad's name.

I just... I just hated him so much

I wanted to pretend it didn't exist.

Can I... can I tell you one?

Sure.

I think the reason that I tell
everyone about us is because...

I want it to be real.

And the more real it seems,
the less likely it is

that it could all
get taken away from me.

It's real.

Okay.
All right.

Okay, when I was in
the fourth and fifth grade,

my mother couldn't afford a backpack,

so I... I carried a purse to school.

Let's go inside.

Okay.

[Police sirens]

Oh, my God.
Let's get out of here.

(Danny) Don't go to bed yet.

I want to show you something.

(Mindy) I'm sleepy. I don't want
to look at your coin collection.

[Lenny Kravitz's American woman plays]

♪ ♪

♪ American woman ♪

♪ Stay away from me ♪

♪ American woman ♪

♪ Mama let me be ♪

♪ Don't come hanging 'round my door ♪

♪ I don't wanna see
your face no more ♪

♪ I got more important things to do ♪

♪ Than spend my time
growing old with you ♪

♪ Now woman ♪

♪ Stay away ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ American woman ♪

♪ Listen what I say ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

(Mindy) Whoa, Nelly.