The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 2 - Annette Castellano Is My Nemesis - full transcript

Oh, Danny, I just remembered
the dream I had last night.

Please don't tell me.

No, you're gonna like this one.

So I was in the jungle, and
this guy wanted me so badly.

He was, like, Tarzan.

Why would I like this dream?

You know,
now that I'm thinking about it,

I think you might not like it.
All right.

It's me!

Ma?

Don't get up.
It's only your mother.



What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the city,

and I thought I'd drop off
some old magazines.

Okay, ma, I told you a hundred times,

I don't want your old TV guides.

Oh, are you the King of Siam?

You're too good for an inside
look at the fall lineup?

Hello, Mrs. Castellano.

Such an honor to meet you.
I'm Mindy.

All right, well, this has
been a lot of fun, ma, but...

Oh, of course.
It's very nice to meet you.

Would you remind me, how long
have you been with Danny?

Couple of months, actually.

Oh, well, I'm glad he has you,



because his last girl,
she wasn't very good.

Oh, I know.

No, she was lazy and always
listening to that Cucaracha music.

Ugh.

Yeah.
Which girlfriend was that?

Would you consider coming out
to Staten Island?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
She's a busy girl, ma.

This Mindy is...

What? No!
I would love to.

Oh, could you do wednesdays?

Every wednesday?

Sure!
What's your rate, hon?

My rate.
That's a great question.

I think I'm an eight.

You know, a ten in Chicago,
but a four in Los Angeles.

Okay, that's great.

Uh, ma, enough with the jibber-jab.

I gotta get to work.
Good to see you.

All right, all right!

This one has been in a hurry
since the day he was born.

Don't I know it.
Yeah.

He came out two months early, and
he was only three inches tall.

Yeah, okay, good-bye, ma.

Good to see you.
Okay, bye, Danny.

Good to meet you, Mrs. Castellano.

Bye-bye.

Your mother loves me.

She thinks you're my cleaning lady.

Why didn't you tell your mother
that I wasn't the cleaning lady?

Do I look Dominican to you?
Do not answer that.

I didn't wanna get into a whole thing.

I mean, I never mentioned you before.

Don't gasp.

You've never mentioned me
to your mother?

Danny, I have told everyone about us.

I even showed my waxer
that beautiful poem you wrote.

Brown orchid?
That was for your eyes only.

It was beautiful and it was erotic.

Okay, look, I wanted to.
I wanted to tell her.

I wanted to say, "ma, this is Mindy,"

but she's...
She's very difficult.

Are you insane?
I'm difficult.

I make you get me a present every
day, otherwise I freak out.

Yeah, no, I know.

What was your plan?

You're just gonna keep us
apart forever?

What were you gonna do
on our wedding day?

You'd be fine.

You'd be all covered up
in your religious garb.

She wouldn't even see you.

What religion do you think I am?

Orthodox something, I don't know.

You are unbelievable, Danny.

Okay, look, I guess I was hoping

that things just resolved themselves
before I had to introduce you.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, that, you know,
natural forces would just...

Just make things resolved.

Were you trying to run out the
clock until your mother died?

Look, my mother wasn't
like other mothers.

She's tough.
She had to be.

She raised two boys all by herself.

She cleaned hotel rooms
just to make ends meet.

What is "ends meet" anyway?

People are always talking about it.

Is that, like, the last,
fatty part of the rump roast?

It sounds delicious.
I'd love to try it.

Okay, look, the point is I don't
think you guys would get along.

She's hated all my ex-girlfriends.

Yeah, but, Danny, I'm not like
your ex-girlfriends, okay?

Moms love me.
You know why?

Because I have a foolproof,
four-point mom-catching plan

that works on even
the prickliest of moms.

Step one...

Okay.
Okay, fine, you can meet her.

I just... I can't listen
to one of your cuckoo plans

before 10:00 A.M.

Oh!

Morning.

Hey... what are...
Why is the door open?

Okay, relax, I'm just peeing.

Why are you sitting down?

Oh, Tamra makes me
sit down when I pee now,

because when I stand
I splash everywhere.

Oh, for God sakes, man.
No, she's right.

I mean, when I'm done it looks like

singin' in the rain in there.

Ladies, huh?

That's what they do to you.

They ruin your life.
They make you wash your sheets.

They kiss Jeremies.

Okay, are you talking about
Dr. Reed kissing your girlfriend

or is this directly
applicable to this situation?

Oh, the latter, dude.

What ladder?

Look, Tamra has you whipped
like a frat pledge,

which, you know, they say is cool,

and you think
those guys are your friends,

and then...
You know what?

I'm not gonna sit down to pee.
Don't.

I'm gonna stand up when I have to pee,

'cause I'm a man.
Yeah.

I'm never sitting
on a toilet ever again.

You shouldn't have to.

Starting now.
My legs are asleep.

All right, okay.

Help, sir.
Yep. No, no, no.

Danny, I am so happy I finally
get to see your office.

It's nice, Daniel.

Welcome to Shulman and associates.

I'm sure your son's
told you all about me.

Shulman.
Very New York-y.

And, ma, this is Mindy.

That's the woman

who... I'm... I'm...

Uh...

You know.

You see, these days...

Mindy's my girlfriend.

Yes. Yeah.
Yeah.

Mindy.
That's Mindy.

I'm so sorry about
yesterday's misunderstanding.

No, it happens all the time.

One Thanksgiving,
a little boy thought I was

the Dora the explorer balloon.

Well, this is great, right?
This is fun.

Everyone met each other.
That's... that's nice.

Okay, time to go. Let's just...
All right.

Well, what are you planning
on doing in the city?

I know this great
frozen yogurt place nearby.

I myself can't go.

I've been banned for sample fraud.

Well, we're going shopping.

Richie is buying me a new outfit
for my birthday tomorrow.

Yeah, he always takes time off
for his ma.

To be honest, it's not taking
time off if you don't have a job.

He's got a job.
He plays tennis,

and he makes that web series
about how to be gay on a budget.

Yeah, yeah, no, no.
I'm sorry.

No, it's a great series.
I loved it.

I mean, I loved the first one.

That was, like, eight months
ago, but it was great.

Hey, look.
Here you go, okay?

Take this for ma's outfit.

And get a haircut.

You look like Mowgli
from The Jungle Book.

What's The Jungle Book?

So do you have big plans
for your mother's birthday?

Oh, yeah, we're all going
to brunch tomorrow.

Oh.

It's not a big thing.

Yeah, it's a big thing.

My boys will be there,
and my best friend, dot.

We're going to this place
where Kelly Ripa always goes.

I miss Regis.

I do not like the new guy.

You should come, Mindy.

Oh, I would love to come.
Thank you.

But the reservation's at 1:00.

1:00 P.M.

At the same time that
my c-section is scheduled,

which I told you about.

I forgot that you told me that, but
there'll be other opportunities

to get to know each other.
We'll figure something out.

I know we'll figure
something out someday.

Anyway, this was fun.
Where are we going?

Let's, uh... let's just go for a walk.

I'm sorry.

Hmm.

Happy birthday, ma.

Bon apetit.

Oh, Madonna Mia, I forgot my cheaters.

Danny, could you read me
the whole menu?

I forgot my hearing aid,
so make it loud.

Okay.

Appetizers.

Deviled eggs.

Ten dollars.

Macaroni and cheese balls...

Hello! Guess who's making
a brunch cameo.

I got Peter to cover my c-section

so I could join you.
Happy birthday.

Oh, how nice.

How nice.

What are you doing here?

Danny, your mom invited me.
I thought she wanted me to come.

No, no!
She was just saying that.

I told you, she hates all
my girlfriends; She hates 'em.

Okay, even if your mom
isn't crazy about me,

she will be by the time
this brunch is over.

Danny, my mom-catching plan
always works.

Listen, it's not gonna
work with ma, okay?

She's tricky.

You go in there,
you're being nice to her,

you say one wrong thing,
and blamo... blamo!

You're dead to her.
Danny!

Whoa, what are you doing?

Why are you ripping off my dress?

I thought it was a little trench.

This is obviously a dress.

Okay, I'm nervous.

Okay, don't be.
I got this.

Step one, compliment her.

Mrs. Castellano,
I love your new blazer.

Thank you. It's from
the Janet Reno collection.

Step two, find common ground.

All you need is one TV show
that you both watch.

Real housewives?
No.

Basketball wives?
No.

Army wives.
No.

Sister wives.
Nope.

Wife swap?

I only watch castle.

Excuse me.

Oh, he writes murder mysteries
and he solves them?

That is a great idea for a show.

You know, Mrs. Castellano,
I love how Beckett

is always giving castle a hard time.

Me too!

Call me Annette.

Okay.

Step three,
come bearing gifts.

And don't forget about mom's friend.

Huh?

Eeh!

Step four...

And this is the most important
step of all...

Agree with everything she says.

Everything.

This restaurant is freezing.

I know.
Antarctica much?

I wouldn't mind them if they
didn't have so many parades.

I know, I hate that ethnic group too.

Enough with this Michael Fassbender
and his penis.

I know, put some clothes on,
you ugly perv.

I think our waiter has an attitude.

Ugh, yeah, he's worse than
the guy that replaced Regis.

I like this one, Danny.

Dr. Prentice,
your Tamra advice worked.

She totally gets it.

And I'm now allowed
to pee standing up again.

There it is.
Congratulations, huh?

Thank you.
Happy bro mitzvah.

Mazel brov.

Thanks.

Hey, so do you wanna adopt
all my dogs?

'Cause Tamra just found out
she's allergic to them,

so I have to get rid of all of them.

Hold on.

Dude, you can't get rid of these dogs.

They're your whole identity.

Look, it's not Tamra's fault
she's allergic to dogs.

Chief, she's allergic to dogs
the way I'm allergic to latex.

She's lying to get what she wants.

You know, adult-onset allergy
is a real thing.

She also recently found out

she's allergic to all metal that's not gold.
Mm-hmm.

And she's allergic to all seafood

that's not very expensive lobster.

She's a woman.

All women have thicker
folds in their brains,

making them more
manipulative by nature.

I don't know what medical journal
you're reading that from.

Is your dog's fur silky?

Could it be mistaken
for long-haired mink?

Yeah, it could.
You could brush it out.

Oh, you know what?

No, I don't think any of them could.

Thanks though.
Actually, a couple of them could.

The guy on the left.
Eh...

I-I gotta be honest with you,

it could very easily though.

She's gonna kill those dogs
and make 'em into a jacket.

Beverly!

You got 'em all.

Annette, I don't know what
you could have wished for.

You already have the greatest
sons in the whole world.

That's very sweet, dear.

But I wished that the mean waitress

at our favorite diner would die.

Well, I can't kill Helen for you, ma,

but I did get you a little
something for your birthday.

Oh, thank you.
Happy birthday.

It's a new stove.

Brushed chrome, digital
read-out, state-of-the-art.

I had it installed today, ma.

No.

No, Danny, this is too much.

You gotta return this.

I'd feel guilty cooking on this.

What, with Jesus looking
down at me from the crucifix

above the microwave.

I couldn't.

Your old stove was leaking gas, ma.

The bird died.

The gas helped me sleep.

But the guy installed it today.

The guy?
Who's this guy?

Just a...
Now he knows the layout of your house.

That is how elder rape occurs.

All right, thank you, Danny.

This is a very nice gift.

You're welcome, ma.

Hey, ma, I got you something too.

Oh.

Oh!
Oh, richie!

I love bears!

You got this yourself?

At the airport.

I got you a snow globe
too, but I kept it.

You okay with the bear?

This is perfect!

And from Hudson news.

La-di-da.

And at least the bear doesn't
know the layout of your house.

It doesn't matter if someone
knows the layout of your...

House.
Yeah, sorry.

Dot, you're absolutely right.

I think it'd be unsafe to know
the layout of someone's house.

I'm so sorry, ma.

Look, Danny, I love your gift too.

It was very thoughtful.

It was just too much.
Sure, sure.

Way too much.

Like, it made everything awkward.

Step four, agree
with everything she says.

Everything.

I don't think it was too much.

No, I-I actually thought
it was an amazing gift.

And if Danny was my son,
I would be so proud.

He planned this incredible brunch,

and he does so many
other things for you.

And he's always talking about you.

What do you mean,
"so many other things"?

Oh, boy.
Nothing.

So Danny told you
he pays all my bills?

No.
No, no.

Did he tell you about my QVC dolls?

The thousands I spend on
my phone game, coffee crunch?

Well, I am sorry!

I told you I had to keep
buying coffee hammers

so I could beat level 44,
I told you that!

It's an impossible level.

Of course it is.
Ma...

Ma, please, calm down.

Mindy didn't mean anything by it.
Nothing.

I'm sorry we're such
a burden to you, Danny,

and that you felt it
necessary to broadcast

our private family business to her.

I do not like you.

Ma, that's not...

Ma!

I think...
I think it was...

I think it was, like, an a-minus.

Oh, ma.
Okay, that's a bit much.

Can you just please call your mother.

Okay, she's probably over it by now.

No, Italian people
don't get over things.

They let their anger fester and
ferment, growing stronger over time.

That's why our wine's so good.

Well, I'm sorry, Danny.

I should have never forced you
to introduce me to your mother.

God, so this is what
it feels like to be wrong.

I don't like it.

It was a valiant effort, but ma
and girlfriends, they don't mix.

Yeah, but I didn't wanna be

just another one
of your girlfriends, Danny.

I wanted to be different.

You are different.

You're very different.

My old girlfriends,
they loved to work out.

And they never stole change
from my coin jar.

Eh, you know what?

I think the whole thing
will blow over in about...

Five or ten years.

Annette can't come to the phone

because I've gone back to work
cleaning hotel rooms

so as not to burden my son.

Beverly, I'm going to Staten Island.

Cancel my 1:00.

Scheduling's not my job.

I'm in charge of pencils.

This cake is terrible.

It's a dog treat.

I know!

Just I'm not sure she's ready
to be a dog owner.

I mean, what would you do

to make sure that she got
the proper exercise?

Take it on little walks.

Oh, damn it, she's right.

Sophie's been wanting
a dog for a long time.

Ever since her mother left, actually.

Well, then you, more than anyone,

understand the importance
of keeping a family together.

And I can assume that
you'll take all 40 dogs.

Uh, no.

Okay.
Hey, baby!

Hey, baby.

You can do this.

Excuse me for a minute.

I don't love you anymore.

In fact, I hate you.

Your name is not Nicole.

Your name is anonymous.

Good-bye forever.

Ah-ah-ah!

Get this mangy mutt...

Hold on.

Do you remember when we watched
America's got talent?

I can't, I can't.
I'm sorry.

Do you remember when we saw Tron 2?

Wait, uh, Dr...
Dr. P, hold on.

Make sure she doesn't take any dogs.

Dr. P!

Tamra!

You have broken a good,
if not weird, man's spirit!

I have had enough
of this B.S. dog allergy.

Can't breathe.

Why are you trying to kill me, Dr. P?

Oh, no, I was...
I thought you were faking.

Help me. Help me!
Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, not the croissants.

First things first, you need to relax!

Okay, I'm gonna cut
a hole in your throat!

Tamra! No,
she was like this when I found her.

You know, she's got...
Epipen!

Mrs. Castellano,
I know you're angry with me,

but you cannot take this out on...

Danny.

Mrs. Castellano?

Mrs...

Oh, my God.

I'm fine!

Fine!

Just trying to lift a comforter,

and I popped my hip.
Oh! Ow!

Okay, I'm gonna...

No, no, don't worry.
It always finds its way back in.

Just leave me be.

Okay, just let me help you.

No! No!
I don't want your help.

Just get away from me.

All right, I will get away from you.
Oh, good.

I know when I am not wanted,
and I'm respectful of you,

and a good person.

Okay? See?

I'm gonna pop your hip back in!

No! Oh!
Your hand is on my pubis!

Just lie there!
It'll be over soon!

Elder rape!

Hey, Bev, you seen Mindy?

She said she was going
to Staten Island.

Why did you go
back to cleaning hotels?

You're not even good at it.

Look, I found this
pizza slice on the floor.

I didn't want Daniel to resent me.
Yeah, right.

You wanted Daniel to feel guilty.

But guess what, he feels
guilty enough as it is.

Every time we take a shower together,

he makes a donation to the Vatican.

Ugh!

Hey, you are not doing this anymore.

You're gonna go back to letting
Danny take care of you.

Fine, jeez.

I still have to finish today's shift.

Okay, bozo, just sit down.

I will do it.

Great.
Fresh linens are on the cart.

Watch out, the bed's pube city.

God.

You know, your son is
a really great guy.

Every night when I fall asleep on
the sofa, he carries me to bed.

Well, he tries to, and then
he just drags me by the leg.

You think I don't know
my son is great?

Of course I do.
He's my son.

Then why are you so hard
on him all the time?

You know, my parents
send me an email every day,

and the subject heading is,
"Mindy's compliment corner."

Well, now that's a different
kind of problem.

Look, I treat Daniel the way I
do because he can handle it.

He's tough.

He doesn't need someone
to take care of him.

Well, I think everyone needs
to get taken care of sometime,

even Danny.

Maybe that's why he likes you so much.

He finally found
a strong immigrant woman

tough enough to take care of him.

I don't know if I would
describe myself that way.

No, all of Danny's old girlfriends,

they were little wisps of women.

Fragile, always agreeing
with everything I said.

Thin, lithe bodies with these giant...

That is enough.

Everyone knows I got
the biggest cans in town.

Hey, look, if you're a good little
worker, we can split the tip.

I'm keeping the entire tip.

Just because you have your own
backwards-ass issues with women

does not give you the right
to burn down our paradise.

I'm sorry.

You put this innocent man
through hell, Dr. P.

This whole week's been a real mind-screw.
Yeah.

Listen, I shouldn't
have doubted you, Tamra.

I'm sorry.

I just haven't been feeling
very trusting lately,

especially towards women.

Oh, yeah, you shouldn't trust us.

We're manipulative by nature,

because our brains have thicker folds.

I know.

Hey, look at me right now.

I love you.

I know you do.

You saved my life.

I know.

You don't have to get rid
of your dogs.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'll just...

I'll take allergy medicine and
never come to your house again.

I hate it there.

His grandma's kisses are hella wet.

That is true.

Hey, everyone, how's it going?

The dog fair has been cancelled!

Hit the road, scum!

Keep walking, brother.

Keep walking, brother.

Get her out.
Get her out.

These are my dogs.
Oh, I love you.

I was kidding.
It was a joke.

I would never leave you.

Get outta here.

Scram.
Get.

Dr. P., I think you
should take Nicole.

Oh, no, I can't have a dog.

I get crazy jealous when I see
them lick their own junk.

Look, I think it'd be good
for you to have

a strong female influence
in your life.

And maybe you should
forgive your girlfriend.

She is pretty cute.
Yeah.

She has hemorrhoids real bad.

That's...
No.

Gotta apply this salve
to her "B" every six hours.

It's really expensive.

Thank you.

I was never gonna leave you.

And I missed you guys so much.

Hey, Danny, are you
making sausage and meatballs?

It's okay if you're not.

I just wanna mentally prepare
for disappointment.

I'm making both.

Oh, thank God.

I gotta tell you,
Danny, this new stove,

I like how quiet the fan is.

Thanks, ma.

Hey, psst.

Yeah?

That was a real nice moment.

Just keep cutting and be quiet.

I'll keep cutting,
but I will not be quiet.

Huh, Danny Castellano's
childhood bedroom.

But where are all the posters
of the hot chicks?

There's just these weird ones
with men with moustaches.

Danny, what's a Thurman Munson?

The heart and soul
of the Bronx bombers is what.

♪ Strange magic ♪

♪ Oh, what a strange magic ♪

Well, that's the opposite of helpful.

Yeah?
I'll show you helpful.

Get over there.

Listen, thanks for taking care of ma.

Sorry she bit you.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I bit her.

She's kinda crazy,
but I'm glad I could help.

And you're such a good son.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Mm.

I brought you so...
Oh, ma!

Are you arousing my son
in my own house?

A boy's bedroom should never
have an erection in it.

We weren't doing anything.

Like fun.

I bought Danny those pants, and
he's tearing right through 'em.

Okay, can we not do this
in front of Bernard King?

Who is Bernard King?

Who's Bernard King?

Who's Bernard King?

He scored 30 points a game
for the Knicks in 1984.

I was barely alive then.

You people are so old.
Okay.

Where did she come from?