The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 22 - Danny and Mindy - full transcript

New York City is the best city
in the world,

because even when your coworkers
are having an incredibly boring

conversation about street mimes...

Mimes don't even talk.

You can happen upon
an interesting stranger on the subway.

You done eye-banging that guy?

What?
No, I wasn't.

I haven't seen you smile this much

since you found out you were
younger than Katie Holmes.

That old bag.

Speaking of age, aren't you
dating that Detective?



Yeah, nice girls don't make eyes
at strange men on the subway.

So you admit I'm a nice girl.

No, but you should know
what nice girls do,

so you can try to be more like them.
Okay.

How would you feel
if all the guys in here

- were eye-banging you?
- I'd love it.

- Journalism's so important.
- That's not journalism.

Oh, my God, guys,
look at this "was it you?"

"I was the tall, brown-haired guy
reading Salinger on the downtown 1."

That's our train.
Wait a minute.

"And you were the pretty Indian girl
with the voice of a cartoon mouse..."

Me, obviously.

"Sitting next to a frowning guy
complaining about street performers."

Wow. We're in this.



"I smiled at you.
You smiled back.

My name is Andy,"
and then he put his email.

Don't click on that.
You'll get a virus.

Danny, this is incredible.
This is why I moved to New York City.

Last week we were just
strangers on the subway,

and he was reading
his Salinger, and now look.

I had a thing with Salinger.

He based the prostitute
in catcher in the rye on me.

Meeting a guy from a newspaper ad...
You're gonna end up in the Post.

"O.B. slayed by S.O.B."

That's awesome.
Mm.

I'm gonna email him right now.

No, no, no, no, no.
You're not. You're not.

You're not gonna email this guy.

Okay, promise me you're not
gonna do anything about this.

It's dangerous. Promise me.
Okay, okay, I promise.

"Dear Andy,
"my name is Mindy Lahiri.

"I think you might be talking
about me.

"I'm attaching a picture.

"If you're a serial killer,
I am not interested.

"If you're a serial killer
who only murders serial killers,

I'm very interested."

Are you sure you don't
want to go to breakfast?

I have an arrangement with this diner.
They let me eat for free,

and I don't bust them
on their health-code violations.

Wait. Then why would you
want to eat there?

It's good.
Okay.

I can't.
I have to go to work.

Hate to see you leave,
but I love to look at that butt.

No, that's not how that phrase go...
It is.

That's how it goes.
Okay. All right.

Bye.
Bye.

"Dear Mindy,
to answer your question,

"the view from my apartment
is of a Cuban coffee shop

"that I go to almost every morning.

"I go there because
I was starting to feel unwelcome

at my old coffee place."

What to order, hmm...
Seriously?

Let's see, espresso,
macchiato, latte...

"Plus, last time I was there,
someone threw a banana at my head.

Why, oh, why..."

"Must people
throw things at me?"

Guys, I am always saying that.

Mindy, you have a boyfriend.
You're being emotionally unfaithful.

I just don't like the idea of you
emailing some rando on the Internet.

It's not safe.
I think that...

Wait, this is your email address?

I thought it was
mindysecondaccount@hotmail...

Mindy, these are
the perils of online dating.

Need I remind you all, I was
once catfished by a man with...

No torso.

All right, everyone back off.
Mindy's a smart person.

- We should trust her judgment on this.
- Thank you. Danny's correct.

I am a hot, smart woman
with an ass that doesn't quit.

So why doesn't everyone just
trust me for once in your life?

Trust me.

I'm gonna find that real email.

"Dear Mindy,
I know I'm breaking our tacit rule

"by emailing you twice
in one day, but here's why...

"I can't stop thinking about you.

I think we should meet in person."

Oh, my God.

"Please let me know
if you're interested.

"Oh, how I hope that you are.

"If this correspondence
has even the slightest chance

"of changing our lives forever,

don't you think we owe it
to ourselves to explore it?"

"I do.

"I have a good feeling
about you, Mindy Lahiri.

Sincerely, Andy."

"Dear Andy,
my name is Morgan Tookers.

"It has come to my attention
that you've struck up

"a 'romantical' email correspondence

"with Mindy Lahiri.

"She is my best friend.

"If you hurt her, I will end you.

"Sent from my smartphone,
which I have...

Case, charger, everything."

Dr. C?

"Hey, Andy. I'm a little worried
how I came off in that.

"I mean, I don't really
have a smartphone.

Love, Morgan."

You're gonna meet
this Internet weirdo?

You can't until you talk to Charlie.

Peter, why are you wearing that?

It's the same weight as Henry,

my girlfriend's baby.

I want to get used
to carrying him around.

I tried it
with a rotisserie chicken...

Ate the whole thing immediately.

I think that Lauren,
if she is even real,

is going to be very scared
off by all of this.

She will not be scared off,
because we are open and honest

with each other about everything.

She knows I'm an HPV carrier.

She knows I've never
given a woman an orgasm.

Oh, God, yuck.
Okay.

I think honesty is super important.

Don't you, Dr. C?

Yeah, sure.

Mm-hmm.

I will tell Charlie tonight.

I'm having dinner with him anyway.

Thank you.
Shh. It's okay.

"Dear Mindy, how about dinner tonight?

Love, Andy."

"Love."

"I can meet you tonight,
but not for dinner."

Oh, really?

"Why? What are you doing
during dinnertime?

Do you have a boyfriend?"

Okay.

"I don't have a boyfriend.

"I am seeing someone tonight,

but we could meet for a drink after."

Yes.

Hey, Dr. Castellano.

What's up?

Or should I say,
"Dr. Andy make believe"?

How'd you find out?

How did you find out?

Because I'm smarter
than you may have "thoughten."

No, keep your voice down.
Why?

Okay, I'll be honest with you, Morgan.

I'm gonna be honest with you, okay?
Okay.

Mindy and I dated in secret,
and I broke up with her,

and I've regretted it ever since.

Dr. L?
Yeah.

From work?

The Indian doctor
whose ass won't quit?

Yes! Yes!

I'm sorry, wait, wait, wait.

You dated her?

Okay, look, I tried to get her back,

and she just wouldn't have it.

So what I did is I created this guy

that she would like,

so maybe she would
fall in love with him

and then realize she was
still in love with me.

Morgan, you can't tell her.

You got to promise me.

Ha, why would I help you
with your love life

when you destroyed mine?

You know I bought Tamra a ring?
A ring?

Tone.

A ringtone.

It was monster mash.
It was our song.

It's my song.
She hates it.

Morgan, if you promise
not to tell Mindy,

I think I can help you out with this.

Look,
when I told you not to date Morgan,

I was projecting on you, Tamra,

because of my feelings for Dr. Lahiri.

Oh!

Then why'd you make me apologize?

Eh, it was fun.

It's fun.

So you and Dr. L, huh?
Yeah.

I guess it works.

Y'all are both old like Katie Holmes.
Mm-hmm.

So where are you gonna take her
when you finally meet her?

It's perfect...
I'm taking her

to one of those gastropub places
she likes so much.

That's where losers like us go.

What do you mean?

You got to make meeting
Dr. L the perfect moment.

She's always talking
about the empire state building.

That's a great idea.

What idea?
I was complaining.

Okay, what are you wearing?

Actually, who are you wearing?

I'm wearing this.
Uh-uh.

You need to dress like
one of those guys she likes,

like Bradley Cooper.

Who's Bradley Cooper?

So, Charlie, I wanted to talk
to you about something.

I really like dating you.

But you have feelings for another guy,

someone you don't know very well,

but you want to explore,

and you think telling me
is the right thing to do.

Oh, my God.

You're, like, an amazing Detective.

I read your phone
when you were in the bathroom.

And you got to go easy
on the selfies, by the way.

Oh, my God.

Look, I-I've been around
long enough to know

when not to get in the way.

If you love something, set it free.

Relax.
I don't love you.

I like you, but you snore,

and I'm pretty sure you took
$20 off my nightstand.

I believe I earned that money back

I did later that night.

You're describing yourself
as a prostitute again.

You got to stop that.
I know, I know.

The point is I'm not gonna
get in the way.

And a word of advice...

Don't let that guy from work
get in the way either.

Morgan... he's a huge time-suck.
You're right.

No, not him.

The rich kid from Staten island,
little one.

Yeah, Danny.

Right.
That's good advice.

Thank you for understanding.

My advice to you...

Nah, I'm good.

You're killing me, Bradley Cooper.

What is this, a 20-piece suit?

Oh, hello. Who's ready for their
hot date tonight with Andy?

Hey, um, I need your help.

I actually was trying
to spit out some gum,

and I spat it right in my hair.

I need you to cut it out for me.

Uh, no, I can't do that right now.

I'm really busy.

What do you mean you're busy?
Doing what?

I'm busy.

I'm very, very, very busy right now.

What are you talking about?
You're never busy.

I'm buzzing up.
You're what?

I'm actually downstairs.
I'm gonna come up.

I'm being intimate with myself.

You're masturbating?

Julianna Margulies is on TV right now.

I'm watching the good wife.

You're helping me.
I'm coming up.

Don't do this right now, Mindy.
Don't...

Bye.
Okay, bye.

Screw you, Bradley Cooper.

Ahh.

No.
I didn't do anything.

Okay.
Keep still.

Ow.
That didn't hurt.

Ow.
Okay, here you go.

Wow.
Stop chewing gum.

You're not ten years old.

Or carry scissors around with you.

Thank you, Danny.
Okay, let's do it.

Time to go.

It's a quarter of, and, you know,

I'm getting real tired,

and I'm getting anxious to do
my nighttime rituals, so...

Well, then start your rituals, jeez.

I'm not leaving.

I can't be early to see Andy.

He's gonna think I'm a loser.
What?

Well, you better get
out there and go meet him.

You move like a glacier.

First of all,
stop calling me a glacier.

We both know I'm tiny.

Besides, glaciers don't move.

Global warming's a hoax.

Sorry about that.

You know what, Danny?

I hate to admit it,
but you were right.

Right about what?

I'm right about a lot of things.

About us.

You were right about us
not being together.

I mean, at first it was tough.

It was really tough.
But I remembered something that you said.

You said that guys
don't break up with girls

they secretly want to be with.

And then I knew for certain
that you didn't want me.

And then it was...
It was fine, though,

because I learned in time

that, you know, you weren't
right for me either.

We are who we are,
and that won't change.

Hey, you drowning?

No, I-I'm here.

Okay, I left a huge mess.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Thank you.

Hey, bets, where's Mindy?
It's 10:00.

Oh, you didn't hear?

She got stood up
at the empire state building

last night, and she caught
a really bad cold.

What?

Andy stood her up?

Why would he do that?

I just checked
the forecast for last night

and saw that it was freezing
with a chance of rain.

How would you like that,
Dr. Castellano,

to be stood up in freezing
and a chance of rain?

I know, I mean, maybe
this guy had a good reason, I...

Danny, don't come near me.
I'm sick and disgusting.

You know, when a Castellano gets sick,

which almost never happens,

the only thing that makes us
feel better is two things...

A bowl of chicken noodle zuppa

and, my friend,

the Guinness Book
of World Records.

Whoa.

Oh, from 1983.

Yeah.
There's an inscription.

"Dear Daniel, congrats
on your dance recital"...

Okay, let's read that later.

Okay.
Mindy...

I need to talk to you
about something...

About Andy.

I know.
You don't have to say it.

It was so stupid that I went.

I just thought it would be cool.

I'm the lamest lame-o.

No, no, no, you're not lame.

Look, let me just...
Let me just finish...

No, let me finish.
You're gonna want to hear what I have to say.

Okay, but I should've just
stayed at your place last night

and hung out with you.

That would've been so much more fun.

Do you think you can stay now?

Please, Danny!

Please!

We can do any boring thing you want.

We can read encyclopedias.

You can talk about Walter Cronkite.

We can watch c-span.

Okay, I'll stay.

You will?
But you're sick.

Let's watch whatever
you want to watch.

How about this?
When Harry met Sally.

I'll order whatever
gave her an orgasm.

You paraphrased one of the most
famous lines pretty well.

That was impressive.
Oh, thanks.

This is so much fun.

Okay, you know
who directed this, right?

Meathead.

Hmm, I always thought

that Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal

directed this together.

That's not how movies work.

God, you know so much about film.

It's really cool.
Thanks.

Sometimes it's
hard to do the right thing,

especially when you really,
really don't want to.

But maybe it's okay.

Anyone can say, "I'm sorry,
Mindy, for catfishing you

with the man of your dreams."

It takes a real man
to march around Manhattan

visiting every place
Meg Ryan ever laugh-cried.

And I get to see New York
through her eyes.

And, man, was it white.

But it wasn't so bad.
It was kind of nice.

And I got to show her
a little bit of my New York.

And I think she liked it.

Until one day,
Andy was a distant memory.

Danny, I can't wait to die.

My funeral is going
to be off the chain.

There's gonna be a signature cocktail.

My ashes will be around the rim.

Ashes? You're not getting cremated.

St. Peter doesn't want a pile
of dust in the pearly gates,

and I'm gonna have to vouch for you.

Hmm.

But I will.

You will?

Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna be real
connected up there, trust me.

Do you want to go get breakfast

and be late for work?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's him.
Oh, no.

God, you son of a bitch!
I waited for hours for you!

I looked like such an idiot!

Why you hit me?

I left my country to escape this.

You wish you were a refugee!

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, no.

That's not Andy, okay?

What?
What are you talking about?

Then who's Andy?

Me.

What?

Come on, Mindy, just listen to me!

You created a fake person
for me to fall in love with?

Mindy.

I mean, Danny, who did
I mail my underwear to?

I can't believe you!

Damn it, Mindy, just listen to me.

Go to hell!

Get out, rapist!
I could've been naked.

I need to explain something to you.

Explain what...

That I slapped
some grad student from Europe?

He's gonna go back
to his country and say,

"in America, hot girls can
just do whatever they want."

That's a bad message, Danny.

What were you even trying to do?

I thought I was being romantic, okay?

You'd get to the top
of the empire state building

and see it was me,
and everything would be okay.

That is the stupidest thing
I have ever heard.

You're a liar.

You/Andy made me break up
with Charlie.

Okay.

And then he stood me up

at my favorite place
in the entire world.

I didn't want to tell you

because I knew...
I knew this would happen.

I knew it would push you away.

I love you.

Mindy, I love you.

I want to be with you.
Look at me.

I want to be with you.
I don't believe you.

Yes, you do.
I don't believe you.

Why? Because you love me
until you don't, okay?

I'm not gonna do that again.

I want something real, Danny.

This is real.

It's real.

I can prove it to you.

Tonight, 8:00,

meet me on the top
of the empire state building.

I don't care if you say no.

I will wait all night for you.

Please, please, please,

just give me another chance.

I can't go.
Why?

Because I have plans.

To do what?

To not be the stupidest person
in the world.

Dr. L?
Mm-hmm?

Can you close your eyes?
I think I have something

that's gonna make you feel
a little bit better.

Please let it be beer.
I've had the worst day.

Open 'em!

My coworkers?
This sucks.

Danny pretending
to be another man to woo you

was ill-advised and illegal, actually.

If you could just sign this waiver

saying you're not gonna
sue the practice,

it would really help me out.

Constantly signing waivers.

Perfect.
Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, yeah, he loves you.

He does not love me.
He loves to ruin my life.

No, come on, you have to go meet him.

He's in love with you.

He laughs at all of your jokes,
and let's be honest,

comedy is not your strong suit.

I'm hilarious.

You're being so stupid.
Come here.

I'm being stupid?
Ow!

My hair!
This is for your own good.

It's the only way she's gonna learn.

Tough love.
Everyone out.

I'm gonna need another form.

Ow!

I don't like that you make me do this.

I have, like, three hairs left.

Why do you do this?

I was in here
rooting around Danny's desk

trying to find some stamps to steal,

when I found this.

Great, Peter, a picture
of Danny and his brother,

a picture of some old hot guy,

Mardi Gras beads,

and some trashy skank's earrings.

Wait.

Oh, my God, Peter.

These are my earrings.

Yeah, you're that trashy skank.

One time I came in here, and he
was staring at those things.

So either he's thinking
about becoming a woman,

or he's obviously in love with you.

Okay. All right.
I'm gonna go.

Thank you, Peter.

The elevators are temporarily down.

Can you wait?

I absolutely cannot wait.

I'm meeting maybe the love of my life.

All right, well, you would have
to take the stairs 104 floors.

I can talk to him tomorrow.

Didn't you say he was
the love of your life?

Oh, God.
Damn it, Danny!

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Huh, I guess they're working already.

Well, I think we earned
our sangria tonight.

By the way, I don't have any money,

so I'm just gonna eat the fruit.

We?
Me earned the sangria.

What the nips?

Why aren't you
at the emperor's state building?

I went.
I stayed for an hour.

She was a no-show.

Dude, she's on her way
to meet you there right now.

Wait.
She went?

Yes, Danny!
Yes!

And now she's gonna

get stood up there by you
for a second time.

But don't go.

Go back in, have another slice.

Hell, get a whole pie.

Which way's the empire state building?

That way!

Aren't you from here?

♪ I get up in the evening ♪

Excuse me.
Sorry.

♪ And I ain't got nothing to say ♪

♪ I come home in the morning ♪

♪ I go to bed ♪ whoa!

Man, what are you doing?
Be careful!

Just open up your door...

Hey, are you all right?

You stepped out right in front of that car.
No, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

Okay, show's over, guys.

Show's over.

♪ Can't start a fire ♪

♪ You can't start a fire
without a spark ♪

♪ This gun's for hire ♪

How you doing?

♪ Even if we're just
dancing in the dark ♪

Mindy!

Mindy!

Mindy!

I'm sorry, Mindy.

♪ Who's gonna tell you when ♪

♪ It's too late? ♪

♪ Who's gonna tell you things ♪

♪ Aren't so great? ♪

Hey.

My heart is racing.

So is mine.
I thought I lost you.

Shut up, shut up.

Why did you make me come
to this stupid place?

Because you love it.

And I love you.

Me?

I want to go all-in.

Really?

In public, with all these people?

All right.

No, no, like all-in, like gambling.

Okay, I'm... okay.

Okay.

I like that.

Yeah?

Let's get something to eat.

Our first date...
You're paying.

Yeah, I got to get used to it

since I'm gonna be the breadwinner,

and you're gonna be
the stay-at-home mom.

I'm not quitting my job.

And if we have kids,
we're gonna get, like,

a million nannies
to take care of them...

All ugly, you perv.

One kid, one child,

one maximum, and it's gonna be a boy.

What?
We're having nine girls.

No, we are not having nine girls.

Yes, we are.
Named after all the muses.

Calliope...

♪ Nothing's wrong ♪

♪ Who's gonna drive you home ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

You know, I'm serious
about having nine daughters.

Here we go.
One boy... Anthony Francis.

Anthony Francis?

What is he, gonna become the pope?
What?