The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 21 - Girl Next Door - full transcript

Taking a break
from dating is the best.

All the energy you once spent
prepping and planning for dates

can be put to better use,
like pursuing old passions.

After a while, you don't even
miss having a boyfriend.

Except when you have elective surgery

to unweb your toes and there's
no one to take you home.

So there's no one to take you home?

My husband's waiting
downstairs for me,

so I guess you are wrong.

Ma'am, you're heavily medicated.

Duh. I know.



That's why my husband
picks me up, takes me away.

Aw, don't you look nice?

Ma'am, step away from the couch.

Oh, it's you,
officer handsome and mad.

I'm not drunk, officer.

I am under the influence of drugs,

so the joke is on you this time.

All right, here we go.
Ha ha ha ha.

Come on. Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm taking you home.

- Here we go.
- Hoo hoo hoo.

Tell him.
Tell him, little red child.

Tell that I'm on drugs.

Oh, my God!
You're a killer!



I knew it, you're too handsome!
You're like Ted Bundy!

I fixed your faucet,
and your toilet was running.

And one of your electrical outlets

is just a couple of sparking wires.

Thank you, thank you. That was...
That was very nice of you.

One of the downsides
of being on a guy-hiatus

is that I don't have anyone
to do household chores for me

that I usually have a guy do.

You make men do your chores?

Look, I'm no feminist,

but I've printed out
enough Jezebel articles

to give to my daughter
to know that's not cool.

Well, there are certain things
that a woman

should never have to do,
like fix a toilet or vote.

Well, I just know that
I wouldn't want my Jenny

waiting around for some guy

to do something she could do herself.

Oh, before you leave,
do you mind, officer,

can you please just kill a spider

that I trapped in that cup?

There's nothing under there.

Ah! It's in the cup!

Do you fix windows?

Hey, Jeremy, do you know any loose,
funky-toothed British chicks?

Droves.

Okay, I don't know
what that word means,

but can you set me up
with one of them?

I'm done with American chicks, man.

They're all boring,

and they've all told
each other about me online.

Ugh, fine.

Me and some of my Cambridge chums

are playing celebrity tonight.
Why don't you join?

I'm sick at celebrity.
Who am I doing now?

Billie Jean King.

Exactly.

Office announcement, everybody.
I have decided

that I'm going to buy an apartment,

and I'm meeting
a real estate agent tomorrow.

Ugh, I'm so jealous.

I rent a bed
in a hotel for sick women.

You know, I always thought
I would just rent

until I met my husband, and
I would just move in with him,

and then I'd be like, "honey,
get this porno out of here.

Take these beer posters
and put it all in the man cave."

Man's caves are for such.

That's why I get married,
it's gonna be man house woman.

Okay. Well, I'm just sick
of relying on a man

to do something that I know
I can do by myself.

I hear you, sister.

We women have to live life
on our terms.

That's why I do my own dentist stuff.

You want me to go with you?

Did you not just hear me? I said
I'm trying not to rely on men.

Oh, Morgan, when you finish
darning my jeans,

can you please get me a cup
of tea with one ice cube in it?

Yes, my queen.

You know you're bad at negotiating.

Remember all that money you spent

on that timeshare in Mexico?

Yes, and if I visit Cabo
80 times this year,

it will have paid for itself.
Okay.

Danny, I want to do
something on my own.

You can, you just have me there
to lean on if you need any help.

That's one of the perks of
being friends with me, right?

Explain this to me, what is a condo?

I mean, I know what it is,
but can you remind me?

A condominium?

That's what I thought.
Okay.

I mean, that's what I knew.
Yeah.

Okay, he's a television
presenter from swansea.

His brother is a footballer
for Manchester united.

I don't know any of these names.
Are they all British?

Uh, Arthur Cranesfoot?

No! Come on.
Anybody else?

Hey, only other American at the party,

how are you doing this?

Do you not know Arthur Cranesfoot?

I'm just making up British names.

Clemmy Wolfenswiggle!

No, stop pitching that, you idiot.

Uh, uh, tippy St. Claire?

Ah, good one.

Please, Lauren, come on, help me out.

The raven of wogfire.

That's right!

It is?
What?

You did it!

Yes! Yes!

So you know Jeremy?

Yeah, he's a great guy
if you can get past the accent.

You know.

It's really hard to listen to.

Jeremy, is that you?
You got fat again.

You're kind of mean.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I like it.
I like it.

This is weird.
Would you want

to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

Uh, yeah, okay.

Great.

Hey, I'm gonna pop
into the bedroom for a second.

I will be right back.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, pop, pop.

If you get lost, just make a right

at the gangly British guy.

Okay.

Wait a minute.
"Pop into the bedroom"?

What are you doing?

Is that a baby?
Is that your baby?

Yeah, where's your shirt?

On my arm.

Did you think I wanted you
to come in here to hook up?

No, I assumed, actually,
that you had a baby in here.

So I took my shirt off so that
you would feel comfortable

if you had to take your shirt
off to breastfeed.

That's all.

You should put your shirt back on.

Yeah, yeah.

Danny, this
up and coming neighborhood

is called little chernobyl.

Okay, you want to live
in a ninth floor walk-up?

What happens if there's a fire?

Danny, you know my plan
in an emergency

is just to count to ten
and wait for death's embrace.

This place is cool, alexei.

Has a lot of character.

What kind of character?
The windows don't match.

They do match, Danny.
They match my personality...

Funky eclectic.

Is there a kitchen?

Who needs kitchen?

You can't do take-out?
You poor?

Yes, Danny.
Are you poor?

No.
I'm sorry.

You can't take this place, okay?
It's way over your price range,

and it's nowhere near our subway line.

So you'll get a new
commute buddy, okay?

You can find plenty of people

who will read your horoscope
to you against your will.

I want to do something for myself.

Alexei, I'll take it.

Start up my mortgage...
Documents.

No, you're not taking this dump, okay?

If you insist on buying
a place, look at this.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.
It's in Tribeca.

It's half the price of this place.

It's great, Danny.

Why didn't you tell me
about it earlier?

Well, there's a catch.
The apartment's in my building.

There's another catch.
I own the apartment.

Hmm.

This place has been
professionally staged.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Danny, this is incredible.

Thank you.
Hold on.

Hold on a second.

How can you afford
to have two apartments?

Oh, I know, did you buy them
for, like, a thousand bucks

in the '60s when Lindsay was mayor?

I was one years old
when Lindsay was in office.

So you admit that you were
alive, you old crone.

I got it as an investment after I went

to this Suze Orman seminar
about divorce,

called "get over him
and get rich, girlfriend."

Guys were there too.

Really?
Yeah.

I love it, but don't you think
it'd be, like, a little weird

with me living down the hallway,
given what happened?

I mean, I don't know,
it doesn't have to be weird,

because we're friends now, right?

Yeah, we're friends.

Tell you what, here's what we do,

stay here a couple nights,
make yourself at home.

See how you like it.
If you like it, you buy it.

Okay.

Great, welcome
to the neighborhood, neighbor.

Thank you.
It'll be like Dennis the menace

and Mr. Wilson, except the only time

I wear overalls
is when I'm on my period.

You are a gynecologist, Danny.
I menstruate.

So I hear you're going out
with my chum Lauren tonight.

Lucky you.

More like lucky her.

She's the mother of a child.
I don't roll g-rated.

I'm hard "R," son.
I'm not going.

Wait, you're not going?
Then I'll go.

Unless you told her you were
gonna pay for dinner.

Lauren's a total catch.
She's a brain surgeon.

Brain surgeon?
Nope, definitely not going.

Whoa!
She's a brain surgeon?

So she can pay for dinner.
I'm back in.

She's smart, she's successful.
What's the problem?

That is the problem.

She's a single mom,
she's a neurosurgeon,

her name doesn't end in an "I"
with a heart above it.

This is not who I date.

Maybe you need a real adult woman

with real adult responsibilities.

The date does start in
15 minutes and I am starving,

so... she's your friend.
I will go.

There's a man, Peter.

Whoo!
I'm so excited.

What should I bring?
I can't afford normal wine.

Hmm.

Hey, I was at target, I saw
a couple things you might need.

Oh!
That's very nice of you.

I wish you had told me you were going.

My whole outfit's from there.

I would've asked you
to pick me up some bras.

Okay, weights?

I find this very pointed.

I don't need these.
I already have huge guns.

All right, I guess I should be
getting back to my place.

Oh, no, what's wrong?
Did someone die here?

I knew I luckily for you,

ghosts love me.
It's not gonna be an issue.

Are you hungry?

Well, I did just have
an enormous meal,

but a doctor told me
that my metabolism is so high

that I basically
have to eat every hour.

That doctor was me.

Great, let's order a pizza,
go back to my place?

Okay.
Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Danny, Danny, Danny,
this husband is bad news.

You think? The movie's called
death honeymoon,

and he's suggested they go
scuba diving like nine times.

What?

What?
What?

I... this is unexpectedly nice.

I thought it would be weird,
but it's not.

I told you it'd be good that
we lived in the same building.

Oh, God, he's gonna strangle
Jennifer love Hewitt.

I always really liked her.
Eh.

She'got a great...
Body of work.

Okay, I'm going.

Okay.
No, no, no, stay, stay.

You know, I was able to score
this prime table

'cause I'm personally friends
with the chef.

We're between the bathroom
and the little hallway

where the busboys take their break.

It's private.

Feel free to order
whatever you want on the menu.

Don't be scared off by the "mp,"
which means market price.

Oh, I was hoping you could
just order for me

'cause I'm illiterate.

Yeah, totally.

They have oysters on the half shell...

I'm kidding.
I can read!

It was a joke.

I'm sorry, I don't...

I'm not used to dating smart girls.

I mean, most of the girls
that I date would be impressed

with something lame, like, I don't kn.

Whoa.
Ooh.

David lame.

So when you go out with these
girls, what do you talk about?

You know, their boring friends,
their made-up gluten allergies,

their rescue dogs.
I don't... I zone out mostly.

People who brag about rescuing
their pets are the worst.

Right?
You shouldn't be allowed

to tell anyone
when you do something good.

Exactly, I have been
saying that for so long.

Like, there's this charity that
I just started giving money to.

It's... it's for...

I'm not gonna tell you.

It's jump ropes for fat kids!

Feels good to get it out.
Yeah.

Hey, min,
Richie and his boyfriend

are coming in tonight.
I'm gonna pick up some takeout.

I know family style stresses you out,

so you can go first.
What do you say?

Oh, man, I have so much work tonight,

I can't, but I'll be home
in a couple hours.

Okay, just knock on my door
when you get there.

Okay, bye.
Bye.

The hell was that?

Okay, I'm thinking
about buying an apartment

in Danny's building that he owns,

so I'm staying there for the week.

I realize that I've been
on one adult date in my life

and I am not at the place
where I should be giving advice

on relationships,
but that is a bad idea.

Why? Danny and I are friends again.

No, no, you are not his friend.
He's trying to keep tabs on you.

It's like when Hefner lets
a playmate stay in his mansion.

No boyfriends,

you have to watch an old man eat soup,

occasionally Scott Baio will
walk in on you in the bathroom.

I can have a boyfriend.

Really?

So Danny wouldn't be mad
if you brought a boy home?

Or you wouldn't be mad
if Danny brought a girl home?

Danny can do whatever he wants.
I'll be too busy

slaying guys' brains out
in my apartment to even notice.

Hi.

Hey, Charlie, it's Mindy.

I told you, you can't have
a handicapped parking permit.

Why do you even need one?
You don't drive.

Sue me, I like exclusive things,

but it's not that.

I wanted to know if you had
any plans tonight.

Thought you swore off men.

I did, that is a good point,
but this is not a date.

This is just me making you dinner

to thank you for the other day.
Do you like balogna sandwiches?

I do not.

Well, then what do you like?

Ramon, it's nice
to finally meet you.

Richie says you work in fashion.

Yeah, he designs underwear
with the butt cut out.

Oh, good for you.

You give me any garment,
I take the butt out of it.

All right, fellas.

Guys, grab a couple beers,
throw on a record.

Be right back.

Ramon, we got a fashion question
for you.

Brown work boots?
That's in fashion for women, right?

Yeah, those are in fashion...
In hell.

Danny, what's wrong?
Why you so wound up?

Pope Francis try surfing or something?

Why's that guy so chill?

It's not that, it's...

See? There's the little dipper
right there.

It's just,
there's so many thousands of them,

so I can't...

Well, you're gonna have a great view

of the meteor shower tomorrow.
Are you into astronomy?

I think I am, you know,
'cause I'm very into astrology,

and one time, someone thought
I looked like that black lady

from the old star trek, so...

This is a great place you got.

How'd you find it?

A co-worker of mine
is selling it to me.

Well, hey, there's no shame
in getting a deal.

I got my house cheap

'cause John Gotti killed
a bunch of people there.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess I'm pretty
self-reliant after all, huh?

Buying my own place.
I cooked dinner

from jars of food
that I opened myself.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, the beeping.

Make the beeping stop!
You know what,

let's just forget it,
let's just forget it.

Let's just abandon
this apartment and go!

All right, get the food
out of the oven.

I'll get this.
Okay.

Oh, God!
No, no, no!

Extinguisher in closet!
Scared! Baby! Need man help!

Oh, God.
What are you doing?

Are you insane?
I don't know how to use that!

Sure you do. What would you do
if you were here by yourself?

I don't know. Just pray for death.
Just do it.

Oh, God.

You did it!

Oh, my God!

That was amazing!

Am I, like, a brave firefighter now?

Firefighters.
They don't even carry guns.

Well, the only problem is,

dinner is covered
in extinguisher foam,

although, I bet you we could
scrape off that top layer and...

I'll make something.

When Jenny's mom left, I got
good at cooking and girls' hair.

You want a French twist
with tendrils, I'm your guy.

Okay.

Hey, neighbor.

I was hanging out in the hallway,

and I thought I heard the smoke alarm.

Did you light too many of those
cinnamon roll-scented candles again?

What, are you burning down
my apartment?

It's my place.
I own two in the building.

Charlie, this is Danny.
Danny, Charlie.

Charlie?

Cool name, great handshake.

So...

So what you kids up to night?

Hey, man, my date with Lauren
was amazing.

You know, it's making me rethink

that whole book-learning
for women thing.

Yeah, that's interesting and good.

The thing is, I did talk to Lauren,

and she doesn'want to see you again.

Ooh, water features.

What?
She's negging me?

A mom can't neg a normal.

She thinks you're fun, Peter,

but I think she wants
somebody more mature.

More mature?
Aw!

That doesn't make any sense!
I'm, like, so mature!

You know what, I don't need her

and her stupid, stuck-up braingeon job

or her stupid, stuck-up baby!

And they shouldn't refurbish barns!

They should lee 'em rustic!

Well, thank you
for checking in, Danny.

Hope you enjoyed the pistachios.

I think if there's nothing else,
maybe you should...

I'm just trying to make
conversation with your friend.

So, Detective,
what are you doing here?

Did you figure out Mindy was
the great Tribeca donut thief?

Ha ha ha.
Mindy invited me.

Do I detect a slight accent?
Where you from again?

Staten island.

Oh, yeah?
I'm from staten island.

But you probably don't know the area,

it's a real rough part.
Mariners harbor.

Oh, yeah, we used to call you
the rich kids.

I'm from Port Dogkill.

On the river side?

No, the garbage dump side.

What are you making over there?

Sauce.

Sauce.
Damn it.

New York neighborhoods...
It's interesting...

You know what, guys,

I don't know why
I didn't think of this before.

Richie and Ramon are over at my place.

They're test-driving out
my new micro-brew,

doctor Dan's summertime
snickerdoodle ale.

I don't want to... I don't want
to break up a date, but...

It's not a date.

Not?

Oh, boy, look at that.
I gotta get back to the station.

No, you don't have to go.

No, there's been a brutal murder.

Yeah, let the man do his job.

Oh, Chaz, well,
take a rain check, pal.

Good guy, I like that guy.

I don't know if he's a real cop,
but I like him.

Damn it, it's really good.

And ange was her name?
Angi with an "I."

You put a heart over that, I bet.

Sometimes.

When don't you?

Oh, if I do a star.

Terrific!

Yeah.

So... you want to see a trick?

Yeah.
Normal napkin, right?

Uh-huh.

Oh!
No, no, that's the knife behind the napkin.

Sorry. I mean,
that really freaked me out.

Yeah.

I like Ramon, but do I love Ramon?

That remains to be seen.
I always pictured Richie

with, like, a Kennedy,
you know what I mean?

Anyways, that was fun last night.

Tonight, me, you, Richie, and Ramon,

Chinese checker tourney.
What do you say?

Um, I don't know, maybe.

You're gonna be there.

Lang.

Hello? This is
the zodiac killer.

I want to turn myself in.

What is your location?

No, I'm so sorr...
I'm not...

Don't do that!
You sounded just like him.

Hey, I'm really sorry, okay?
I wanted to know

if you wanted to see the meteor
shower with me tonight.

Look, Mindy, I was wrong when I said

you wait around for guys
to do things for you,

but I think you are
waiting for one guy,

and I think I met him last night.

Okay, the truth is that
I invited you over last night

to see if Danny and I
could really be friends.

So you're using me? I'm just
a jamoke in a honey trap?

Yes, I was treating you like a jamoke,

but what I didn't realize
is that you were

this really awesome jamoke...

And really cute, by the way,
for your age...

Who believed that I could
put out a fire by myself.

I know I said I was
swearing off romance,

but you're a great guy.

So do you want to go out?

Just to be clear, is this a date?

It is a date. Oh!
You can let me shoot your gun.

You're a little nut job.
I like that, it's interesting.

Cool.
Oh, before I forget,

I would like to pay some
outstanding tickets that I have.

Do you have a pen?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

My "50 shades of grey"
credit card number is 2058...

Oh. Oh, okay.

Lauren, can I talk to you
outside for a second, please?

Oh, sure, it's not like I'm operating
on a brain or anything.

Warren,
don't screw this up again.

You got this, Warren.

What

look, uh, all my life,
I've been eating hamburgers,

and then I got to try
this amazing piece of steak,

and now, I can't enjoy
these super slutty hamburgers...

Okay, stop, stop, stop.
I think you're trying

to say a nice thing, so maybe stop

referring to women as meat.
Yeah.

I have to get back in there.
Warren's a drunk.

Look, you're smart
and you're successful

and you know what you want,
and I really, really believe

that if you just give me one chance,

so help me God,
I will make you like me.

Okay.
One more chance.

Yeah.
Okay.

Great.

Hey, neighbor.

Can I borrow that detergent
I bought for you?

I love that lavender scent
on my undershirts.

It's very soothing.
Yeah, yeah, of course.

You got any... anything
you want to wash?

We can hang out while we wait.

Uh, no.
Actually, can't.

Um, going on a date tonight.

Oh.
Well, you look really nice.

You're going out
with that cop guy again?

Yeah, he's taking me to see
my first meteor shower.

Your first meteor shower?
You don't even like that stuff.

Ju last week, there was a full moon,

and you were like, "if I want
to see a white circle,

I can draw one on a piece of paper."

So you don't really like that stuff.

Well, people change, Danny.

Oh, wait... whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

Um...

I was just gonna...

I don't know, I just wanted to.

You wanted to because
I'm about to go on a date.

No, that's not why.
I just... I... I wanted to.

Well, then why didn't you

when we were together
watching TV the other night?

Or any night for the past two months?

Why tonight?

The moment just wasn't right.

And the moment is only right

when there's another guy
in the picture?

You turn it on, you turn it off,

you change your mind a million times,

and I'm not gonna do it anymore.
I get to decide.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Here, take this.

I was just joking.

You weren't.

All right, well, you know,

I can't help that
you didn't get the joke.

I mean, it was
one of my classic Castellano...

Have fun tonight.

You cold? I got
a windbreaker in my trunk,

but I think it's got
a little blood on it.

No, no, that's all right.
Thank you.

Oh, there!
I just saw a meteor.

That's another plane.

Oh. Well, this is fun, you know?

I'm having a really good time
on this date.

Although, isn't this kind of thing

supposed to be more fun
if there was...

I don't know, you're, like,
a little high?

I'm a police officer.

No, no, no.
No, of course, of course.

Wink?

Don't arrest me.
I've never done drugs.

It's just looks cool.

Shh shh shh.
You're making it worse.

Oh, there!
There's another one!

No, another plane.

Damn it, Charlie, what the hell?