The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 20 - An Officer and a Gynecologist - full transcript

(Mindy)
What an exciting year it's been

for romantic liaisons
and sexual experimentation.

From the tall and white
to the short and white,

I sampled an eclectic range of men.

But it was all for naught.

So with a heavy heart, I'm taking
all of my cherished mementos

and stuff I've stolen from guys
and I'm putting them away.

Ah.
See you, love life.

Adios, dating.

I don't care about guys anymore.

What do I care about?



You, Jenny, my dear.

What's your deal?
Are you using birth control?

No way.
My dad would freak.

He still thinks I'm too young to date.

When he heard my dorm was
co-ed, he gave me a gun.

Well, that is actually very
smart, but, Jenny, you and I,

as young women
freshly out of adolescence,

we cannot let the guys in our lives

control our lives... dads,
boyfriends, nutritionists who say,

"Mindy, don't only eat steak."

Well, I heard that birth control
makes you fat and cranky.

So does pregnancy.

Morgan!

Yes, my queen?



Oh, hi.

Hi. Can you please get Jenny
some free birth control samples?

I think I can do that.

And let's teach her that rhyme

to remember to take
the birth control pill.

(Both) "When I need to take the
pill, I look upon the windowsill."

Oh, my God, I haven't
taken my birth control

in, like, two weeks.
Well, luckily for you,

someone's been grinding it up
and putting it in your coffee.

Thank God.

Bye.
A pleasure.

Get someone to grind up
your birth control

and put it in your coffee.

Don't depend on that rhyme.

I won't.

Do not play it fast and loose like me.

Oh, boy.

(Danny) Farmers markets are the worst.

The eggs are weird.

Don't get me started
on the honey sticks.

I don't know why Peter said
you're not funny.

Your cranky old man character
is hilarious.

[Laughs]

What?

I got his hat.
I got the old man's hat.

Come on, give me that hat.

They're picking on that poor wizard.

Is anyone gonna help him?

Give me your umbrella.

Okay, all right!
That's enough.

Give that guy his hat back now.

Or what, Mary poppins?

[Laughs]

Or I'm gonna be poppin'
you in the face

with this pink umbrella.
Is that what you want?

Give him the hat back now.

Get lost. Scram.

Turn your hat around.
Hey, hey, hey.

I don't condone any violence.

I'm sorry.
I got a bad temper.

I'm kidding.
That was exhilarating!

[Laughter]

Yes, thank you, young man.

Don't mention it.
It's New York.

We take care of our own, right?

Oh, Shulman and associates.

I sense we have a doctor in the house.

Yeah, I'm a doctor.
Mom must be proud.

Who knows how to please that woman?

Don't even get me started.
You know?

Uh, this is my stop.
I gotta go.

You have a great day, rabbi.

Thank you, Dr. Shulman.

Right.

I'm looking for a Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

Oh, slow down, tough guy.

Who's asking?

Me.

She's in that office over there.

She did it.

Susan Robinson?

No, I'm Beverly something.

What is your last name?

Mindy Lahiri?
Uh, knock much?

I'm getting steak out of my teeth.

I'm Detective Charlie Lang.

I'm here because you gave
my Jenny birth control.

She's a kid.

She just learned how to swim.

Okay, that's on me,
living in the city.

But the pill... that's on you.

Officer, I'm afraid
I cannot discuss this,

because of patient
confidentiality, I think.

But if I did give her a
prescription for birth control,

it was her choice,
because she's an adult.

Oh, yeah, well,
you just watch yourself,

you sex-crazed quack...
I could get you on

the no-fly list like that.
[Snaps]

Joke's on you,
'cause I'm already on it!

(Mindy) Stop!

Dirty cop!

Stop! Stop!
[Honk]

Stop or I'll shoot!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you want to get yourself killed?

Where do you get off, sir, coming
into my office and yelling at me

about your outdated view
on birth control?

Who do you think you are,
Rick Santorum?

Obviously not, 'cause you're not hot.

The balls on you!
Do you even have kids?

How dare you!

Do I look like a woman who's had kids?

I have the hips of an 11-year-old boy.

No, you look like a kindergarten
teacher with steak in her teeth.

That's because I wolfed down
a steak sandwich at lunch.

And this outfit...

Well, even I had a couple misgivings

when I wore it in the
morning, but it's colorful.

And not that it makes
a difference to you,

but I'm only looking out
for Jenny, okay?

I don't want her to become
another pregnant teen.

And not that it's
any of your business,

but I am not a sex-crazed lunatic.

I happen to be taking
a break from men.

I found that it was kind of
distracting me in a time...

Okay, yeah, yeah, good for you.

You just lost yourself a
patient and gained a ticket.

"Public female hysteria"?

They never took it off the books.

[Engine turns over]

This is an outrage.

This is...

Yeah, you better drive off!

Everyone see this?

It's for walking while being
a person of color.

(Danny) Rabbi, what brings you here?

You left that train so quickly, I
turned around, and you were gone.

It was just like you were,
I don't know, a Batman.

Oh, you know, praise really...

It just... it embarrasses me.

I'm more of the strong, silent type.

I don't like to fill just silence,
you know, with talk, talk, talk.

You're heroic.

But I am here, Dr. Shulman,

to ask if you have any plans
for shabbos dinner.

Dr. Shulman?

Uh, no, you...
Okay, you think that I'm...

It's okay.
You're not orthodox.

I get it.

Rabbi, I'm not even...

As the most prominent rabbi
in Brooklyn,

thousands of women come to me
for doctor referrals,

and I would like to send them
to a nice Jewish boy, so...

Thousands?
What do you think?

That's a...

That's a...

A mitzvah?
[Snaps]

A mitzvah.

All right, I will see you
then at dinner.

You will meet my wife, my daughters.

And if it's a good fit, mazel tov.

Definitely mazel tov, big time.

Hey, what's up?

You okay?

[Coin clattering]

You're really going to town
on that thumbnail.

You haven't even made fun of
my talking digital watch.

(Watch) The time is 0:00.

I got to figure out
how to set this thing.

Okay.

Come on, what's going on?

That stupid cop yelled at me for
giving his daughter birth control,

like birth control encourages sex.

It doesn't.

You know what encourages sex?

Alcohol, hotness...
Black music.

Okay, come on.
It does!

That's worked up, even for you.

Okay.

How many hours of energy

did you drink?
None.

I just... I swore off romance,

'cause I was tired of being
obsessed with guy problems.

No offense.
Okay.

And so now I think I'm just
consumed with work problems.

My cardiologist says
I'll be dead at 50.

That's very generous.

No guys.

Girls?

I wish.
Oh, my God.

How hot would me
and Keira Knightley be

all snuggled up in a log cabin?

You think you could pull
Keira Knightley?

I could! It'd be like
bend it like Beckham.

And I can take a bra off like that.

So can I.
Not in my experience.

The hooks are small.
Took you, like, 20 minutes.

You had me blindfolded.
You got all, like, mad and sweaty.

You had to take a break.

[Pager buzzes]

Never had any complaints before.

I am complaining to you now.

I got to go.

Nice talking to you.

Nice talking to you.

[As Schwarzenegger] I'll be back.

Oh, my God!

Okay, sorry.

You're so lame!
Right.

Oh, my God.

Jenny?
What are you doing here?

How did you find my apartment?

It wasn't, like, on a star
maps or anything, was it?

I was just thinking about
what you said, like, a lot.

Yeah, that recycling
makes America look poor.

Thank you!

About taking control of my life
back from guys, like my dad.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, that was a good point too.

So can I stay with you?

Just until spring break is over
and I head back to school.

What?
No, of course not.

Where's your mom?

Uh, the morgue.

God, I'm so sorry.

She's a coroner in Iowa.

Okay, that was a weird way
to say that,

and you know it.
Jenny, come on.

This feels inappropriate, even to me,

and I have no sense of boundaries.

Please, I mean, I...

I look up to you so much.

You've got great style.

You eat whatever you want.

You know what?

Okay, you can stay with me
for a short amount of time.

And you have to ask
your dad permission first.

Yeah.

This is gonna be really good.

You, an impressionable young woman,
me, a sophisticated Manhattanite.

You, with tiny fingers that can
reach into my air conditioner

and retrieve that dead bird.

Me, someone who...
You know, let's just go,

'cause I'll just keep doing this.

Oh, hey, I hope you don't mind,

but I was looking around
for toilet paper,

'cause all you have in the bathroom

are napkins from a restaurant...
Mm-hmm.

And I peeked inside
that box over there.

Are all those guys old boyfriends?

Yeah.

This box represents
a trail of slain dudes

that has kind of made me
the woman that I am today.

Let's take a peek.

Oh!
Nurse Morgan's in here.

He's so cute.

Yeah, what is he doing in there?

Does he have a son?

No, that's my ex, Danny.

When he wears a baseball hat, it
makes him look like a kindergartner.

[Sighs]

Look at how many guys there are.

Okay, Jenny, do not get intimidated
by my certified playa status.

Okay, one day, you, too, will have
a box teeming with conquests.

Teeming?

Not teeming.

Like, a good number.

That was a test, and you
passed, my little lamb.

Hey, Pete, I got to ask you something.

What is that I hear, the g-g-g-ghost
of someone who's dead to me?

Okay, you're still mad
I'm dating your sister.

Listen, I have a way to get
a ton of new patients.

You may have heard
that I recently saved the life

of rabbi David Adler.
Have you heard that?

I have not heard that,
but that guy is amazing.

Every year, he teaches Hoda and
Kathie Lee what a menorah is.

He wants to recommend us
to his congregation.

The catch is, he thinks I'm Jewish.

Well, I could see that.

I mean, you do complain about
the air conditioning a lot.

It's drafty in my office!

It's really... it's drafty.

So, what, you need me because I'm
the obvious child of a-bro-ham?

Just help me out.
Come to this dinner with me.

If I confuse my schlemiels
and my schlimazels,

then you could set me straight.

Fine, but I get 51%
of the new patients.

No way.
52%

you don't want to do this.

Okay, fine.

53%.

54%, and you got a deal.

I got a deal.

55%.

Not going back on it.

Dinner.
56%.

That's way too much work
I just took on.

Bet you think you're
pretty clever, don't you?

I do.

Ask me to times any two numbers,
and I will give you the answer.

Single digits only, no nines.

Jenny's over 18, so there's nothing
I can do legally to take her home.

Illegally, I can have you
framed as a madame.

Look, I don't want you to feel scared.

Jenny is completely safe.

It's mostly just us eating,
like, junk food

and her helping me figure out
how to use my printer.

Good.
Thank you.

And if you need me,
you call me for any reason.

Well, since you mentioned it,
there is this Shawarma stand

that I am certain is terrorists.

Oh, it is. We know.

Oh, and, uh...

Would you do me a favor
and give her this?

It's her favorite blanket.

Its name is, um...

Blanky.

Oh. I had a blanky until other
med students made fun of me.

You might want to keep that
to yourself.

[Telephone rings] Hello? Mindy?

Hey, Jenny.
Listen, your dad stopped by

to see me at my office.
Oh, I know.

I feel so bad.
I'm gonna go home tomorrow.

But tonight my friend Noel
is taking me

to a flash and dash.
What?

No, you're not going to that.

That sounds horrible.
Look, why don't you invite

your little friends over to my place?

That way, I can chill with slash
keep an eye on all of them.

You'd let me have people over?

Yeah, bitch.

I spend, like, 80%
of my paycheck on rent.

Someone should benefit.

Thanks, Mindy.
This is so cool.

No problem, kiddo.
Cool's my middle name.

Neat.

It's actually Kuhel.
It's Indian.

Neat.

♪ Baruch atah, adonai ♪

♪ Eloheinu melech ha'olam ♪

Oh, boy.

♪ Hamotzi lechem min ha-a ♪

♪ Aretz ♪

Amen.

Harry Connick Jew, everybody.

[Laughter]

No, that was beautiful.
You see that, Ari?

Your bar mitzvah's gonna be fine.

God doesn't care that you
don't have a good voice.

But, yeah, to be safe, go practice.

Danny, is there a Mrs. Shulman?

I have a girlfriend.

Sally.
Huh.

Oh.

Is it serious?

Yeah, Danny.

What are your intentions
with this girl

from a beautiful Jewish family?

[Knife scraping on plate]

I don't feel like God would want me

to discuss such things
at the shabbos table.

[Laughs]

It's all a little weird.

[Laughter]

You know, I'll tell you something.

I think I met my dream girl.

She's an amazing cook, beautiful
face, rockin' hot bod.

Only problem is, she's married
to this schlub over here.

[Laughter]

You watch it, buddy.

You break commandment ten, I
may break commandment six.

[Laughter] Oy, vey, oy, vey!

Covet, murder.

Rabbi.

That's good.
The joke works.

You know your Moses.

Uh...

Where is the little boy's room,
actually?

Right down the hall.

Terrific.

Challah!

[Laughter]

What a charmer. (Danny) Yeah.

Peter represents what all of us at
Shulman and associates stand for.

Classy, semitic gynecological care.

[Boy screams]

Bubbie, zayde.

I accidentally walked in on
Dr. Prentice in the bathroom.

Something's wrong with his thing.

It has a hood on it.

(Peter) Okay, all right.

First of all, I thought Jews knocked

and we don't look directly at
things when we enter a room.

I-I'm... I'm not circumcised, so...

That's why he thought it had a hood.

[Pounding dance music]

Whoa, Jenny.

Kinky.

[Music, chatter]

Oh, my God!

It's like a cognac ad in here.

Jenny?

Hey, Jenny, are you here?

Jenny, Jenny.

What is going on here?

Why is my apartment full of
horny, good-looking teenagers?

You said I could have people over.

My apartment is not a place
for sensuality.

It is a place for
repressed sexuality, okay?

It's a place where you
order Chinese food,

you cuddle, then you fall
asleep, too full to have sex.

(Morgan) Dr. L?

Dr. L?

Oh, no.
No, no, no.

Oh, my God!

Morgan, what are you doing here?

She texted me and she said

that her reproductive health
was in danger,

so I came over here to help her,

and then she handcuffed me to the bed!

Is this true?

You said independent women need
to make some mistakes with men.

Not with Morgan!

I'm gonna lose my virginity to him.

No, no, nerp.

Oh, no, you are not.

You said he was a good guy.

For, like, dropping off recycling
or having him clean out your car.

When you put it that way,
I sound like a real loser.

Thank you, Morgan.
That's exactly right.

He's a real loser!
You got to stop rubbing my leg.

It's so close.
You're out of control.

I'm calling your father. Yes.

I'm calling your grandmother.
No! No, no, no!

This is the third time this week
I've been in handcuffs.

She'll freak out.
[Phone dialing]

Go home. Scram.
Get out there, mohawk.

All right, there, nose ring, let's go.

Go home.
Everybody out.

Hey, pick up on social cues.

Put your jacket on outside.

Narc.

Oh, what's this, cocaine?

That's not mine.

Well, get out of here before it is.

Jennifer, go get your things.

(Danny) How can a Jewish
guy not be circumcised?

My family is not that Jewish, okay?

The theme of my bar mitzvah
was "Christmas in Connecticut."

Besides, you're not even
Jewish at all!

Okay, rabbi, don't listen to this...

Meshugenah!

I'm just so sad and disappointed
that you felt this need to lie.

Well, rabbi, this guy
lies about everything.

I do not.
He lies about religion,

matters of the heart,

whether or not he wears lifts.

Well, there's no shame in that.

Those are orthotics, okay?

Then why do they make you so tall?

They're really thick.

Tell me where you got 'em
so I can get 'em too!

I don't lie.

I can't even remember
the last time I lied

besides everything I said tonight.

You're lying to yourself
right now, pal.

No, I'm not.
About being in love with Sally

when clearly she's not
the one you really want.

What are you talking about?

You have no idea
what you're talking about.

[Overlapping chatter]

I think I do!

Boys!

I have been a rabbi for 30 years.

I've seen many, many cases like this.

And I believe I have some insight.

Well, I'd love to hear it, rabbi.

Well, I'm not sharing my insight!

You schnooks aren't even Jewish!

Get out of my house!

Okay, that's fair.

Yep. Yeah...

If I could just show it to you,
I think you would understand...

Got it.

Jenny, what were you thinking?

A sex party?

That's not for regular people.

That's for couples
in John updike novels.

I don't know, I guess
I saw your box of conquests.

Hey, it's not a box of conquests.

It's my heartbreak box.

Jenny, why do you think
I'm swearing off men?

Because you slept with all of them?

Look, Jenny, the only
downside of being a woman

who can make her own decisions

is that you have to
make good decisions.

And sometimes guys can
get in the way of that.

Believe me, I know.

I guess I just wish there
were guys interested in me

so I could make any decision at all.

(Mindy) Can I tell you something?

I did not lose my virginity
until I was 22 years old.

But that's between you and me.

I tell everyone I lost
my virginity at 17

to Christian Slater.

You've nothing to worry about.

You're adorable.

Plenty of guys are gonna want
to sneak in them jeans, okay?

Your dad is right;
Just take your time.

(Charlie) All right.

You apologize?

I am so sorry.

What are you apologizing for?

I don't know.

I'm just... when you talk,
I get very scared.

Jenny, apologize to Dr. Lahiri.

You threw a party, you lost my
handcuffs, you ate all her food.

That's on me.

I actually zero out my fridge
every night before I go to bed.

I'm sorry, Dr. Lahiri.

And I'm sorry to you, too, dad.

It's okay, sweetie.

You're grown up now.

I just have to get used to it.

I'm gonna have Pulaski
stop tailing you at college.

Oh! And don't forget blanky.

Whoa, this is very soft.

Can I keep it?

Hey, do you know a locksmith?

Go home.
I'll figure it out.

Oh, God, Danny.
Yeah.

Danny.
What?

My earbuds are caught up in my
scarf, and I can't see my neck.

I'm panicking!
Okay, stop freaking out.

No! Stop... get your hand out of there.

You're like a pelican
in a fishing net right now.

Help me!
Okay, okay.

I got it.
I got it.

Look, earbuds.

Okay. They should have
a warning on those.

You okay?

I feel a little foolish now.

Yeah, it's okay.

Thank you.

[Sighs] So how's...

How's things going with that patient?

Oh, actually pretty well.

Although when I have a daughter,
if she goes to college,

I'm gonna have to go
with her and supervise.

Probably all the cute boys
will be like,

"uh, who is your younger sister?

Does she put out?
She's really hot."

And I'll be like, "I'm the mom."

Yeah, you're the mom.

Danny.
Yeah?

There is a civil war general who
is pointing and waving at you.

Oh, okay.

I gotta go deal with this.

I'll be right back.
You know him?

Yeah, I know him.
Hold on a sec.

Rabbi...

Look, I'm really sorry
about last night.

No, no, no, listen.

My family will be telling
the story of the lying goy

and the Jew with the baggy schmeckel
for as long as I'm alive.

No. It was priceless.

Listen, I've been watching
you and Sally there.

Forget about what Peter is saying.

If what the two of you have isn't
real, I don't know what is.

That is love, my friend.

Okay, no, that... rabbi, that's not...

There's nothing more Jewish
than dating an Asian girl.

Believe me on this.

Welcome to the tribe, Daniel.

What? Oh, God, do I have conditioner
crusted on my ear again?

Damn it.

No, you're good.

Hey, you know what,

I'm gonna go across the street
and get a bear claw.

Didn't you just have one
on the subway?

I can't hear you.
Bye.

Hey, Sally, can we get
a cup of coffee and talk?

[Siren blares]

Oh, God! Damn it!

[Over loudspeaker] Miss,
step away from the bear claw.

The bear claw has been on the street.

The street is covered in urine.

Well...

Seems like in addition to

kidnapping detectives' daughters,

you're also a jaywalker.

Guilty as charged.
Better write me up.

Wait, are you serious?

We got quotas.
I'm trying to make lieutenant.

Wait, wait, hold on, good-looking.

Maybe if, uh, I buy you a bear claw,

you could just, like,
tear up that little ticket?

Are you bribing me?

Because then I have to
write you another ticket,

and that's a whole other
bribe for you.

It's sort of...
Or are you asking me out?

Am I asking you out?

Okay, in your dreams,
officer you wish.

Besides, I told you I'm
swearing off guys.

I'm sorry, I couldn't
hear you over the...

That coat.
Have a nice day.

This is canary yellow, my friend.

Oh, for the record, I'm not a guy.

I'm a man.

Wow.

$300?

Ah, damn it!