The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 19 - Think Like a Peter - full transcript

(Mindy) They say within
the first ten seconds

of a date,
you can tell if you like someone.

Yeah, Betsy wasn't wrong.

I'm feeling this big-time. You?

Would you mind
excusing me for a second?

Where are you going?
Getting a refill on sexy?

'Cause your cup already runneth over.

(Mindy) But that leaves
the next three hours.

[Chuckles] No, no, just the bathroom.

This coffee tore right through me.

(Mindy) I'm an adult.



I can figure a way out of this thing.

There's no back door,
so there's no escaping me.

Just kidding.

(Mindy) Oh, no, I'm doomed.

Oh, Dr. L, Phil said
the date went well.

Well, we spent
the whole weekend together.

Oh, God.

It sucked.
I hate him.

But we are spending next weekend
in Vermont looking at the foliage.

Phil says that it's cheaper
off-season.

Oh, it's like a fairy tale.

Okay, do I have any mail?

Yes.
You have something from Phil.

I can't.
I can't.



You want me to open it?

(Morgan) Give it to me. Give it to me.

I open all of her mail.

Don't tell her that.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Hey, min?

Oh, God.
There's drama.

Okay, I got a little time
before my next patient.

So hit me.

What?
No.

I'm completely fine.

Actually, my back is sore

because I stoop because I'm very tall.

Okay, you're sure there's
nothing you want to talk about?

Because, you know,
I'm a really good listener.

I'm all right.

I don't have anything to chat about.

All right, well, you know,
if you want to talk

about anything, I'll be in my office.

Peter, Peter, Peter!

Hmm?
Come here, come here.

What's up, girl?
Why you on the floor?

Oh, my God,
only because my life is over.

(Peter) Oh, this gon' be juicy.

Anyone have anything dramatic
that happened to them

that they want to talk about?

Yes.
I killed a spider.

Wait.
I brought a spider.

Nope, that's not it.
That's...

I don't want to talk about that.

So you went on a coffee date
with a loser.

All coffee dates are with losers.

He was just too nice,
and I'm too nice.

And I can't break it off with him.

I'm probably gonna marry him.

Mindy, the reason
you can't break up with Phil

is not because you're too nice.

Excuse me?
I saw you bring a girl

to tears because she asked
if you were registered to vote.

I have been asked that
a million times.

The answer's always the same...
I don't know!

Don't you think the reason
you can't break up with Phil

is because Danny broke your heart

and you think that Phil
is the best you can do?

He's not the worst I could do.

Look, Mindy,
you deserve someone great.

Or at least someone kind of rich.

Or at least someone fun.
Probably gay.

[Sighs] My kingdom for a gay husband.

And you can get it.

You just got to start
thinking like a Peter.

Okay.
You're welcome.

Hey, hey, pal.

Are you gonna explain that,

or are you just gonna, like,
walk out of here

like that's your catchphrase
'cause you're famous?

Here's what you do.

You date everybody.

And as soon as you feel it going
south, you cut 'em loose.

All right.

The way I've been doing things
has kind of sucked.

You're absolutely right.

I am gonna start thinking
like a Peter.

[Imitating peter] Okay, guys,
let's go get some 'za.

Let's funnel beers until we yak.

Okay, it's think like a Peter,
not talk like a Peter.

[Door shuts]

(Peter) Hey, Mindy, I'm heading out.

Gonna try to find a hot
chick or two uggos.

You want to come?

It's fleet week, so the
odds of you getting some

are pretty bananas.

That does sound pretty fun, and you
do look cute in that popeye hat.

But I can't.

I'm only on page five of
my breakup letter to Phil.

What are you doing?

In the time it took you to write this,

you could have ripped
through two other dudes.

I have to tell him something.

You know, we promised we would
never lie to each other.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, God.

Oh! No!

You can't text him.

You got to give him radio silence.

I can't.
Give me my phone back.

You need to start being selfish.

Have you learned nothing
from wolf of Wall Street?

Yeah, I learned a lot
from wolf of Wall Street,

which is how to do
every single drug known to man.

Clearly, you weren't paying
attention to Jordan's struggle.

He's a bad dude, and now
he's a motivational speaker,

who hangs out
with Leonardo DiCaprio...

I just don't think it's fair.

But he was doing a lot of good.

You spend way too much time
defending Jordan Belfort.

[Cell phone chimes] Radio silence.

I can't do it.
Give me the phone, Peter.

Radio silence.

(Danny) Chicken breast,
grilled, no seasoning...

Just what this doctor ordered.

How can there not be a knife
with a chicken breast?

What's wrong with these people?

Oh, my God!
[Screams]

Don't you knock?

It's a pantry!

Get the hell out!
Get out!

Get out of here!

It's a pantry.

[Cell phone chiming]
Peter, I hate this feeling.

No, no, no, no, no.
I have to text him. Just one text.

It's good for you
to feel out of control.

Please, Peter.
He'll think I'm mean.

I obviously am, but no one can know.
No, no, no.

Give it to me,
give it to me, give it to me.

Oh, my God.

Like that, he's out of my life.

Mm-hmm.

Peter, thank you.

What can I say?

I know how to ruin a relationship.

Well, now what?

Now you and I go out.

Gangnam style!

At some point, you're gonna have
to try to help yourself, okay?

(Mindy) Oh, that guy is cute.

(Peter) Oh,
you mean the guy adjusting his wig?

So a guy with a wig
is so much worse than a guy

pretending to be a sailor?

Oh, yeah.

Just pick a normal guy.

I mean, what about that guy
over there, huh?

[Romantic music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God,
he's way too handsome for me.

And look at that girl he's talking to.

She's crazy hot.
Oh, my God, Peter.

She has her legs crossed
on her barstool.

Okay?
Who does that?

If I tried to do that, I'd
humpty-dumpty right off of here.

I'd be like, "whoa." Whoa.

Can you stop being a dork?

Look, you just gotta go
over there and talk to him.

Give me your best line.

Have you seen a pair
of panties anywhere?

Okay.
'Cause I think I dropped mine.

'Cause the elastic
on the waist wore off.

Let's try something else.

What would you want to say to him?

I'm really heartbroken, and it
would be nice to talk to someone.

Okay, so that's not gonna work either.

How about you say this?

Dr. C, I'm really sorry
that you just saw that.

Plus, I'm still with Ray Ron.

I should just resign.

12 months' severance sounds fair.

No, no, you don't have to resign.

But do you want to talk about it?

What?

Well, you know,
you're still with Ray Ron,

and you have feelings for Morgan.

I mean, you must be freaking out.

Maybe you should lie down on the
floor, and you could talk about it.

That sometimes is helpful, right?

Dr. C wants to talk to me
about my problems.

What is this, some kind of trap?

Like when those Saudi guys try
to get you on their party boat?

No, I just have a lot of experience
with emotional women talking at me

about their problems.

Oh, Dr. Lahiri?

What?
No.

No. Other doctors.

Women doctors.
Women.

Okay.

Oh. Terrific.

(Peter) All right, you're ready.

Now go over there
and do exactly what I told you.

My boobs are okay?

They're as great as they're gonna be.

Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.

Oh, personally, I hate gentrification.

Excuse me, sorry,
I just need to order a drink.

Hey, bartend,
could I have a whiskey neat?

Thank you.
Sure.

God, I love the taste of whiskey.

It's bad for me,
but I just can't help it

'cause it tastes
so delicious, you know?

Are you talking to me?

I'm not talking to myself.

Cheers.
Okay.

[Gags]

That was a lot on my face.
I'm so sorry, I just...

I think this is...
Can you drink this?

I spat it out because taste it.

It's whiskey.

I'm very sorry.

But now we drank from the same cup.

Hey, do you mind, um...

Oh, God.
I know.

Hey, you know what?

I think you should thank me for
saving you from that thing.

Thank you so much.

Maybe buy me a drink?

Um, I'm not quite sure
what you're doing.

I was trying out this kind of
cool, new aggressive way

to hit on a guy.

And you liked it?
Not really.

Fair enough.

I'm very sorry.

I'm not gonna take that.
Yeah, I'd leave that.

(Mindy) Great, Peter.
He thinks I suck.

(Peter) What are you doing?

(Mindy) I told you he was too hot.

(Peter) No, go back there.

I should've told him
about my worn-out panties.

(Peter) Just walk back
over like a normal person.

Fine, I'll go back.

Go!
I'll go back.

Hey.
Can I apologize to you?

Here's what happened to me.

My heart was broken, and it's made me

kind of weird,
and this is not me at my best.

I'm very sorry.
I'm gonna go, okay?

Don't go.
Okay?

Can I buy you a drink?

Are you serious?
Thanks.

Cool.

My mother was insane, so I'm
kind of attracted to this.

Not that I want
to sleep with my mother.

That was weird how that came out.

Look, now we're at
the same level of embarrassment.

Because it was... at one point,
we were at the same...

Please don't drink that.
[Spits]

Oh, my God.
All right.

When a girl I know
is trying to make a decision,

she makes a pro/con list.

Oh, Dr. Lahiri?

Um, Ray Ron has nine tattoos.

Pro.

That... we'll say that's a pro.

Ray Ron with one pro.

And now Morgan.

I really like Morgan.

He's cute, he's
nice, all pros.

No cons.

I mean, he's an ex-con,
but that's a pro.

I don't know if that's...

That's a pro.
Okay.

I choose Morgan.

Well, let me just
say something about that.

You guys work together,
so, you know, let me tell you,

that never works.

Dr. C, Morgan challenges me
as a person and as a nurse.

I don't go, "oh, God,"

when people have really high
blood pressure anymore.

Trust me, you don't want
to be challenged,

especially by someone
you work with every day.

You don't want that.

Look, Tamra, I think Ray
Ron's the guy for you.

I guess I need to think about it.

Yeah, you think about it.

So this ex-boyfriend of yours,
you murdered him, right?

Just based on your behavior so far.

This is someone you killed.

Believe me, I have wanted to,
but, no, never killed anybody.

Any person.

And by person, are you implying
that you've killed animals before?

No, I'm not like a Dexter,
like, serial murderer.

You insinuated person, though.

[Laughing] Yeah, yeah, I did.

That was weird.

Look, I'm having a really good time.

Do you want... do you want
to continue this someplace else?

To another location?

Yeah, maybe, like, my place.
I don't know.

Your place.
Kind of. Sure.

(Mindy) My place has
just been de-roached.

[Cell phone chimes] I'm so sorry.

I just got a work email.

Hold on one second.
Yeah. Of course.

[Cell phone chimes]

Everything okay?
Yes.

Um, I can't hang out tonight because
I have to go to work tomorrow.

Sure.
That's too bad.

It was really nice
talking to you, Mindy.

I hope your heart mends soon.

Thank you.

[Cell phone chimes]

Hey, blow off whatever
you're doing tomorrow.

I'm going to, and I teach first grade.

I like you.
We're hanging out.

[Mouthing]

Good morn...

Lee?

Was it worth it?

Was it worth making your roommate

sleep on the fire escape, so you
could have sex with some random guy?

Okay, you are not my roommate.

You are my guest
sent here to protect me,

and you've stayed here
for quite some time.

I know.
I'm sorry.

I just wish that he had
said good-bye, you know.

Well, you're not the only one
with problems.

I think Tamra and I are done.

We've actually kind of been
hooking up a little bit.

Oh, my God, Morgan.

I know, I've always been
so into black women.

I used to watch 227 when I was a boy.

I fell in love with Jackee.

He left his scarf.
Great.

Do you know what this means?

Does that mean I can have it?

No, it means he wants to see me again.

Okay, it's just...
I never had a scarf.

Hey, Dr. C.
hey.

I would like to apologize.

You will never see me
kiss Tamra again.

Neither will I,
because she got back together

with her boyfriend
of 20 years, Reagan Ronald.

[Sighs] Morgan.

Morgan, I am so sorry.

We had so much fun together.
Yeah.

Played scrabble, and she was
helping me with my vocabulary.

Yeah.
She was teaching you to read.

What?
What?

I'm a registered nurse, dude.

Yes, of course you know how to read.

You just have
that fun, huckleberry finn,

I-don't-know-how-to-read energy.

All right.
That's a good save.

Look, for what it's worth, office
romances, they never work.

They never work.

They're like foreign cars.
Am I right?

I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.

I just want to dye...
What?

My hair blond and move, I
don't know, back to Atlanta.

Is there anything I can do,
anything to cheer you up?

If you took me to lunch,
I'd be the happiest guy

in the world, but that's crazy.

No, no, no, no, no.
Lunch it is.

All right.
It's a date.

All right, great.
Hey, min.

You got a sec?
I got some pretty hot gossip.

I don't, Danny.
Maybe later?

Okay.
Your loss.

Real spicy stuff.

I'm talking habanero.

Hey, bets, what's going on
with spidergate?

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Peter, I had sex
with that guy last night.

Hey!

And when I woke up
in the morning, he was gone.

Guys are such jerks.

Better luck next time, huh?

Wait, what?
More like best luck this time.

'Cause, check it out,
he left this at my place.

Congratulations, you got a free scarf?

Don't you think you wear
enough men's clothing as is?

No, he left this at my place
because he wants to see me again.

It's a classic Cinderella move.

I do this to guys I like all the time.

Mindy, you got your dip wicked.

Ugh. Give yourself a high five, a
pat on the backskis, and move on.

Peter, maybe he's not
a sketcho like you.

You know, maybe he's a romantic.

Look, any time a guy leaves
something at a girl's house,

it's a mistake.

I'm sorry.
I don't know what to tell you.

Fine, Peter, if you feel 100% certain

that he is not trying to send me
a message, then good.

But if he bumps into
freida pinto at the laundromat

and they hit it off, may God
have mercy on your soul.

Okay, Mindy, maybe your one-night
stand is trying to track you down.

Maybe he's the one guy on earth
that's nothing like me.

And, you know what, Peter,
I heard his message,

and I'm gonna find him.

You'll see.

I'll see, and you'll see.

You'll see because
you're coming with me.

'Cause I can't go find him by myself.

I don't want to get killed.

(Morgan) Dr. C, before we get lunch,

I need to confront someone real quick.

Back me up. Back me up.
Back me up. Back me up.

Where are you going?
Ray Ron.

Hi, Morgan and Dan.
What up?

Happy earth day.

You here for the discount
recycled paper?

Look, Ray Ron, I got to come clean.

You don't have to do this right now.

I do.
Don't do this.

I do. I do.

A gentleman kisses, then tells.

Listen, Ray Ron...

[Clears throat]

Tamra and I were kissing
in a sensual manner.

Now, if you want to break up with her

or you want to punch me
in the face, you do it.

Just do it.

No, no, no.

Oh, God!
Oh, don't hit me in the face!

Morgan, don't trip.

I make out with people all the time.

As long as there's
no 'tration, we good.

Oh, my God.

In fact, we better than good.

'Cause this whole thing brought
me and Tamra closer than ever.

Okay, great, well,
I'm glad we got that cleared up.

Morgan, we have that reservation
at the steakhouse.

Dr. C, Dr. C, I need to thank you.

Oh, no, you don't have
to thank me for anything.

No, no, I do, 'cause you
convinced Tamra to stay with me.

What?

[Children laughing]

"Then mbute the spider
said to akuna the jackal,

'I can't follow you.
You're the village trickster.'"

Lee, I know there's no talking
during story time, and I'm sorry,

but there's a lady waving at you.

Oh, God, not again.

Hey, Lee!

How's it going? What are you...
What are you doing here?

Well, I got your message
loud and clear.

Okay, is that my scarf?

Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna take that.

Thanks so much.

And with that scarf, you
were sending me a message.

Like Cinderella, and I found you.

And I'm the Prince, ironically.

Do you know the story of cinderell...

(Lee) Please don't talk to the kids.

Yeah, I think you really need to go.

But you left it for me, so I'd
come and find you, right?

Did you leave it at her apartment
as an accident or on purpose?

Yeah, it was an accident.

But on some level, like,
your heart wanted you

to leave it there, so I would...

My heart left it there accidentally.

Every part of it was an accident.

Yeah.
Okay.

Ooh, hey, Mindy.

You want to see me again?

You're not a parent here, are you?

Of one of the children?

'Cause six strikes, and I'm out.

Am I a parent here?
Okay.

Do I look like a parent?

Are you kidding me?

Kids, it's okay.

Making love to a...
Thank you for taking her away.

What's the matter with you?

Okay.
Huh? What's...

It's okay, kids.
Don't rip that down.

[School bell rings] (Peter) Screw him.

He's too stupid to teach second grade.

You could do so much better than him.

Or at least
you can do better than him.

Can I?
I wasn't good enough for Danny.

And now I'm not good enough
for this guy?

I don't know, Peter,
I think I should just give up

and date the next Melvin
that asks me out.

My name is Melvin.

What are you up to tonight?

Nothing, actually.

You like street festivals?

Kind of.
Mindy, come on.

We're going back in there.

Hey, kotter, we
need to talk.

It is drawing time, you guys!

You do not interrupt
drawing time. Let's go.

Interrupting drawing time.
Are you out of your minds?

Now I want to hear
an apology out of you,

and I want it directed to her.

You want me to apologize?
For what? Yeah.

We were both consenting adults.

In fact, I was the one who was pushed

into doing things...
A lot of things.

Okay, don't you try to act
like you're the victim.

I woke up to nothing in my bed.

Do you know how that felt?

Well, some things,
like a bunch of magazines,

a cookie tin, a bottle of
sriracha, and a sleeping bag.

My diet pills,
my birth control, but not you.

Hold on, you keep
a sleeping bag in your bed?

That's really sad.

I thought we had something.

You know, he played me his guitar app.

You told me
that your dad was bisexual.

Are you kidding?
[Scoffs]

You said that you felt invincible.

Invinc... no, no, no.
I said "invisible."

I was buried under a pile
of stuff on your bed.

If that's the case, then I am sorry.

No, Mindy,
you do not apologize to him.

This guy took advantage
of your heartbreak,

and that is a low move.

That is disgusting.

That is exactly the thing
that I would do.

Am I a dick?

Does everyone think I'm a dick?

Yeah, are you just realizing that now?

Oh, God.

Excuse me.
Do you have a hall pass?

Oh, you know what, Edgar?
They're fine.

They're with me.
Oh, my God.

Hmm?

Is that a wedding ring?

Is this a...
You're married?

[Clicks tongue, blows]

Where'd it go?
No, no.

It's still on your hand.
Technically,

it's a wedding band, not a ring.

How could you do that?

Now I'm the other woman?

This is exactly what
I was listening to last night.

I can't do this again.

Okay, you know what?
This is really...

Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my God.

(Danny) You know what,
Morgan, punch me in the face.

After what I did,
staten rules, come on.

One free pop.
Go ahead. Do it.

I don't want to punch you
in the face, Dr. Castellano.

What do you mean, "Dr. Castellano"?

What happened to "Dr. C"?

Just because we work together
doesn't mean

we have to be friends, Dr. Castellano.

Stop saying that.

It's your name, and I would like you

to refer to me as nurse tookers, R.N.

Here's our stop.

Okay, but look, look, Morgan,
I don't want to leave

unless I know we're good.

Oh, I'm good.
Okay.

Good at being mad at you.

Look, I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology, Mindy.

For pantsing me in the cafeteria?

Yeah, that was not cool.

No, no, no, no, no.
That was classic.

No, for getting you involved
in this whole thing.

I mean, you deserve better than
Lee, and Danny's being an idiot.

Yeah, but I really feel like...

Can I finish my thought?

I know I paused, but I just...
I have a little more to say.

Yeah, okay.
That's a little rude, but yeah.

All this time, I've been telling you

to think like a Peter, but I think

I need to start thinking like a Mindy.

Really?
It's mostly just me

trying to remember
where I left my phone.

You're a romantic, and that's good.

It just means you'll probably
date a few extra losers,

randos, and pervs.
God.

But I really do think you'll
be rewarded for it in the end.

That's a very nice thing to say.

I mean, not rewarded romantically.

But, like, rewarded like,
"oh, look, there's two bags

of chips in the vending machine."

Shut up, Peter.

(Phil) Drink up, gorgeous.

Hey.

Mindy.

Come to stomp on my dignity
in person, have you?

Well, go ahead.

I have no more tears to give.

Oh, my God, you cried?

Ask my mom.

I was on the phone with her all night.

God, okay.
I'm sorry.

It was not cool to blow you off.

No one deserves
to be treated like that.

I think the hardest part
was the not knowing why.

Okay, I apologized, so...

Accepted.

May I be so bold
as to invite thee to dinner?

You know what, Phil?
I'm not really in a place

where I should be dating anyone.

I think I'm still hung up
on the last guy I was with,

so maybe we could be friends?

Oh, I get it.
We could be friends.

Yes.
Well, I would love that.

And when you're ready
to start dating again...

No. No.
Okay.

Phil, I just don't see
a world where that's...

Okay.
No, no, seriously, though,

I'm not...
Okay.

I... it doesn't matter.

Bye, Mindy.

(Danny) Is Mindy here?

No, she left for the day.

Okay.

[Phone ringing] (Sally) Hello?

Hey, Sally, it's Danny.

I thought I had something at work,

but, as it turns out, I got a
lucky break, and I'm free.

Hey, so do you really do
that Cinderella thing

where you leave earrings
at a guy's place?

What? Of course not.
That would be crazy.

Yeah.

(Sally) Anything
interesting happen at work?

Not really.

Ooh, I love this show.

It's got a really fat guy
and a really skinny guy.