The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - Mindy Lahiri Is a Racist - full transcript

(Jeremy)
[Sighs] Morning, campers.

Anyone catch tuesday boozeday
this morning?

Hoda was on fire.

(Morgan) All right, Dr.
Reed. Stop, stop.

Do you have any meat products
on your person?

What's going on?

What's going on is I'm sick of
getting bit by dogs every time

I try to rescue them,
so I'm testing my new armguard.

Right, you're gonna need a dog,
aren't you, to train...

[Dog barking]

Oh.
Is it bad that he's frothing?



We are not doing this,
Morgan.

Look, Tamra's my fail-safe.
Relax.

I'll tranq his ass out.

We have patients coming.

It will take one second
or seven dog seconds.

Just wait.
Please, Dr. Reed.

Okay, Betsy.
One, two, three.

Let him go. I'm ordering
you not to release him.

Come on, come on...
[Screams]

Ah, oh, oh, ow!

There, Tamra!
Fire!

Aah!
No, you're missing it.

Fire again.
I'm trying! I'm trying!

Keep shooting!
You're missing...



Okay!
[Groaning]

Oh, my God.
I feel good now.

(Jeremy) Morgan,
what have we learned from this?

[Hip-hop music]

[Woman vocalizing]

♪

(Morgan) Dr. Lahiri, you have
every right to be furious with me.

Wait, Dr. L?
I know you can hear me.

I got your favorite doughnut,

Boston cream
with bacon shavings.

Now do you forgive me?

No, my...
Are you crazy?

Dr. L, okay, I know...
[Horn honking]

You might be a little mad
or maybe on your period.

You know what?
I am a little mad at you.

And I'm a lot
on my period.

You send sexual texts
to my crush from my phone.

Now, cliff's dating the girl
down the hall and not me.

Are you insane?
Well, that's impossible to answer.

Insane people don't know
they're insane, Dr. L.

This doughnut is still good,
for the record.

Yes, Morgan,
I like cliff.

Do I like how you went
about it? No.

Do I like having his texts
in my phone?

Kinda, sometimes I like it
twice in the same night.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Hold, hold...
Cliff.

Hey. (Mindy) Hello.

[Groans]

Nice day.
Hello.

Oh, hi.
[Stammers]

Yeah.
It is a beautiful day.

Yeah.

How's Heather?
Heather's good.

Yeah, uh, tonight,
I'm taking her

to the new
Cirque Du Soleil show

about the history
of video games.

Joystique.
Hmm, that sounds fun,

almost as fun
as you taking

my bra off
with your teeth?

[Groaning]

Oh. That is a direct quote
from one of my texts.

You didn't delete them?
I did not.

But...

That's just the end
of the sentence.

I-I did not
delete them.

God.
Still friends?

No, we're not
friends, Morgan.

I think you are
a bad person.

No, cliff,
take that back.

Take that back.

[Sighs]

It's so rare to find a practice
in Manhattan these days

with such
a, I don't know,

wholesome roster
of doctors.

You, the British doctor,
the handsome one.

Handsome one?
You already said me.

[Laughs]

You know, I've been singing
your praises

on my mommy blog.

Oh, thank you so much.

(Mindy)
Aah! Tamra!

I didn't mean to.

You cannot shave your legs
in the bathroom anymore!

I just slipped
in a puddle,

and I hurt my hip
very badly.

Help me up.
I couldn't shave at home.

Ray Ron turned our bathroom
into a recording studio.

You know what?
You're banned from the bathroom.

You have to use
the bathroom

across the way
at the coffee shop.

I'm banned
from that one.

Of course, I'm not crazy
about everyone here,

but I guess every place
has to have

at least one of them,
right?

A mouthy drama queen?
Yes.

(Jeremy) Okay, senior partners,
how do we spend the surplus?

You know,
I have an idea.

I think we should invest
in a lactation consultant.

Think about it.

You know what?
Breast-feeding's like baseball.

The less you think about it,
the better you do.

I have an idea.

Oh, we gotta buy a table
at the golden globes.

Oh, come on.
There's us, the cast of glee,

the cast of scandal, the cast of...
Okay, senior partners?

I have an idea about what to do
with the extra revenue.

What if instead of waiting
for the patients

to come to us,
we go to them?

I know this vehicle
that we could fix up,

turn into a mobile clinic.

Wait, wait, wait,
you're just trying to scam us

into buying your friend's
old party bus.

Yes, it is
a party bus,

and yes, I did lose
my virginity there.

But if we refurbish it,
take down the pole...

Peter, I think you should stick
to thinking up drinking games.

Okay, just because
I'm pretty

does not mean
I'm a receptionist.

Those midwives told me
to tell y'all they're here.

[Sighs]
Let's go.

(Danny) For the last time,
we're not getting hand dryers.

I like using paper towels
too much.

That's not the reason
for our visit.

As you all know,
Tracy Whitfield

will be running for congress
to represent our part

of the city of New York.

Okay, it's New York City,
pal.

Duncan and I believe
that he represents

this district's greatest hope.

And we think it's cool
that he's black.

Extremely cool.

So we assumed
you won't mind

if we hang a few posters
in your office.

Hey, I know that guy.
We went to dartmouth together.

That guy can drink.
Dartmouth?

What's his platform,
hire Dave Matthews

to rewrite
the national anthem?

I think we're good. You don't
even know what he stands for.

Yeah, but I know
if you guys like him, we don't.

Good-bye, Deslauriers.
Yeah, bounce.

Come on, Duncan,
let's go back upstairs

to the 21st century.

Okay, smell you later.

Hey, Mindy?
[Knocks]

Could I talk to you
for a second?

You know, Peter, I'm really busy
with work right now.

I don't have time to listen
to your Borat impression...

"My wife."

I'm getting the vibe
that you and the other doctors

maybe don't respect
my ideas.

No, you have plenty
of great ideas,

like trailer trash Thursday.

I know that I'm a C.P.P.,

captain of the party patrol,

but I wanna be I.B.D.,

involved in business decisions.

I wanna be
a senior partner, S.P.

Uh, no.
Peter, you're a Junior partner.

That's so much cooler
than senior partner

'cause there's, like,
only one of you.

We have, like, no expectations
for you.

For instance,
I'm a great leader,

but I can't move heavy furniture
for the life of me.

Where are we going?

'Cause I'm, like, so petite,
you know?

I don't have
the upper-body strength.

Is that the end
of the conversation?

(Danny)
Yes!

Well, well, well,
well, well.

Look who's
an Internet blog.

You wear reading glasses?
Yep.

Oh, are those the kind
that connect in the middle?

My aunt Cora has them.

They're really red,
Dr. C.

Okay, enough with the glasses.
Listen to this.

"Despite... des...

"Despite the name,
Shulman & Associates

"is a refreshing return
to traditional values.

Most of the doctors are pure
of heart and pure of blood."

Aren't I always saying
I'm pure of heart, huh?

"Dr. Castellano knows
that the first hands

"that touch your precious baby
should be...

Ivory white."

Oh, my God.
Okay.

What the hell's
going on?

"It's often a hardship
for an aryan woman

"to find appropriate
medical care on the island of..."

Both: "Jew-hattan"?

(Mindy)
Oh, my God, Danny.

Uh-oh.
This is a white power website.

[Laughs] Dr. C,
you always getting played out.

No, no, no, no,
I'm not getting played out here.

I'll tell you
what happened is

something got mixed up.

Okay, these things happen.
It's a fringe site.

I'm sure not many people
read it.

Everyone back to work.

But I don't...
Mindy, where are you going?

You need to rethink
your politics, my friend.

This is...
I didn't... whitemommy?

(Mindy) I know
that Sarah is a family name.

Ever since I saw
that first sonogram,

I just thought "katniss"
for this baby.

Anyway, ask your husband,
see what he thinks.

Mm-hmm.
See you in a couple weeks.

[Brendan shouting
in the distance]

Danny.

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny.
Yeah.

Why am I hearing
the midwives?

(Brendan) We will not
tolerate the opinions

We will tolerate
intelligent debate,

but we will not
tolerate intolerance

in this building.

(Brendan) I know you see me.
Damn it.

Those little bitches.

So what is the color
of love?

What the hell, Deslaurier?

Why are you picketing us?
We are not picketing.

This is a vibrant discussion
about race.

So what?
We discuss race all the time.

Just yesterday,
we were talking about

who's hotter,
Derek Jeter or Eli Manning.

Jeter won.
Landslide.

Don't know who that is.
Are you kidding me?

You don't know...
Danny, it's okay, it's okay.

Stop, stop, stop.

It's not worth it. I would
like to say this is outrageous.

This practice loves people
of all races.

Hmm, very interesting
coming from you.

That's right, I did a little
research, Dr. Jeremy Reed,

born 1980,
Johannesburg, South Africa.

Everybody upstairs now.
Let's regroup.

Hitler, the kkk,

Shulman & Associates.

Okay, that's crazy.

This is Priscilla Lane,

the top PR consultant
in the city.

She knows
what she's talking about.

She handled Taylor Swift's
hit-and-run.

What? I didn't know
that Taylor Swift had...

Oh. (Jeremy) Yeah.

Now, look,
your practice is in danger

of eviction, a lawsuit.

Your medical license
is coming under review.

You need a strategy.

I am Indian.
I can't be racist.

Oh, please, you only hook up
with white guys.

I've hooked up
with every race of woman.

How dare you?
I went to second base

with my friend
Korean Justin.

His hands
were so small.

It made my boobs
feel enormous.

Everything you just said
was racist.

PR consultant.
What a joke.

I remember when "PR"
meant "puerto rican."

Have you learned nothing? Now
you're just trying to be offensive.

Listen to her.
That's not how we talk.

Danny?
Yeah?

Since you are the focus
of the blog,

I will give you
one-on-one media training

to prep you
for your interviews.

What, me?

Mindy and your nurse Tamra

will issue
a statement asserting

that they love
to work here.

Are there other
African-American employees?

Yes, Jerry, the orderly
with the hot body.

No, his name's Reggie.

No one named Reggie or Jerry
has ever worked here.

Mindy, you and Tamra
will go to dinner.

You will write a statement.
I am on it.

A fancy restaurant
that still has big portions.

[Sighs]
Dr. p?

I need advice.
Oh, yeah?

Cliff said
I was a bad person.

Well, I told you
to delete those text messages.

[Sighs]

Oh, what if I got him a gift?
Mm-hmm?

I have hundreds
and thousands

of betas,
like betamax tapes.

As amazing
as that sounds,

I don't think
he wants a gift.

He's a guy.
Mm-hmm.

He probably just wants
to beat the crap out of you.

Look, guys, leftovers.

The senior partners
said we support staff

could have at them.

[Sighs]

Dr. L.

Hey.
Hey, Tamra, you made it.

I already ordered for us
and ate all our appetizers.

Should we order more?

What up, Dr. Larry?

I'm Ray Ron, pleased to meet
your acquaintance.

Ah, Ray Ron.

I've heard
so much about you.

Thanks for dropping
Tamra off.

Oh, you know, Ray Ron,
this is actually

kind of a work thing,
so I only got a table for two.

He doesn't trust me
to eat dinner alone

because this one time,
I ate next to Mandy Patinkin,

and he fell in love
with me.

Damn, I hope
they have lobster here.

I'm real allergic,
but I love how expensive it is.

So, Tamra, our statement.

It needs to combine
your bold attitude

and my fierce realness.

Gonna be kind of a...

Fun assignment, I think.

All right,
let's try this again.

I'm going to be
a reporter,

and I'm going to ask you
some questions.

155.

What?
That's what I bench.

It's not a lot,
but I can do 12 reps.

12? Sorry,
that's not that many reps.

Look, you need the skills
to change the conversation.

I'll change the conversation.

Your profession's
a joke, okay?

When it comes
to least respected jobs,

it goes male model,

mugger, PR person,
nothing.

You're a grouchy bastard.

You're a cold-blooded vulture.

How do you like that
for changing the conversation?

Oh, God, you are so lame.
Please shut up.

And the practice
has given me the confidence

to reach
for the stars.

I actually borrowed
that line

from a college essay
about computer camp.

Yo, these chicken tenderonis
is tight as hell.

That's calamari, r-dub.
You know, squid.

Squid?

Oh.
I ain't no played-out whale.

Hey, you can't do that
at a restaurant, okay?

Ray Ron, is there no place
that you need to be?

Something to do?
Oh, yeah.

I'ma go outside
and vaporize.

B.R.B.

Tamra?
Hey, Tamra?

I'm sorry.
I, like, hate him so much.

He's such a deadbeat,

and not the hot kind
that Beyonce sings songs about.

The kind that Britney
sings songs about?

Hey, hold up,
Dr. L.

Ray Ron
might be uneducated,

unvaccinated,
and he has webbed feet...

Ugh.

But he respects me.

And I love him.

Tamra, I think
that you need to be

with someone
more like you.

You know what?

You can finish that statement
by yourself.

I'ma take
Ray Ron home

and make him massage my back
with his messed-up feet.

Tamra, I already told them
it was my birthday.

There's cake coming.

[Sighs]

Hey, have you really been
with every race of girl?

Pretty much,

except for one.

Which one?

None of your business.

What... like pacific islander?

Oh, God.
Italian?

That's not...
Okay, come on.

(Brendan) I'd now like to invite
someone up who's experienced

the racism of
Shulman & Associates firsthand.

[Applause]
What? Tamra?

(Brendan and Duncan)
♪ against the obgs

♪ we sing a song

wait, i'm a racist now?

What, it's a rally now?

Now, sister Tamra,

you work
at Shulman & Associates.

Tell us, how much is it like
1950s Birmingham, Alabama?

What?

Well, Dr. Lahiri did say

I had to use
a separate bathroom.

(Mindy)
Yes, I did.

It was only because you
were making a huge mess.

The midwives believe
all ethnicities

should procreate
until we have

one gorgeous
caramel-colored race.

[Cheers and applause]

Is that
from your seventh-grade diary

when you had
that epiphany?

She said I had to dump
my white boyfriend

to get with someone
more like me.

[Booing]
Wait, wait, okay, no.

I only meant smart
and attractive like she is.

You called him
a deadbeat.

(All) What? He is a deadbeat.

If you knew him,
you would understand.

You think
he's a deadbeat, right?

No, I love him.
I love everyone.

And it's okay to call
a white person a deadbeat...

No, it's not.
Or uppity or lazy.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

That's fine to call...
Well, he is, Danny.

No, no.
Tamra, Tamra!

Shulman & Associates,
ladies and gentlemen,

where it's okay
to call people names.

I'm telling you, we should've
hung those Whitfield signs.

He's a cool guy.

You know in college, he took
a bunch of mushrooms and then...

Hey, priss.

I'm so sorry
I'm late.

One of my clients
just spit on a paparazzi.

I can't say who,

but his name rhymes
with "Shmalec Shmaldwin."

Danny, get up there
and fix this.

Um, I actually don't think
he's quite ready yet.

I could go.
Obviously not, Peter.

We've spent thousands.
Danny's ready.

Get up. (Brendan) Hold on, hold on.

Hold on,
we have a surprise speaker,

Daniel Castellano,

Just give me that.
Give me that.

Okay, o...

Okay, sit...
Look, I can talk to you

about race relations
all day long,

but I'm gonna change
the conversation.

You know how many black friends
I had growing up?

Four.
Count 'em.

He counts
his black friends, everybody.

That says it all
right there.

Dummy.

You don't change
the conversation

by telling people you're
changing the conversation.

Well, I wish
you'd have told me that

instead of having sex
with me.

(All)
Ooh.

I'm going.
Priss, priss, priss, don't go.

Priss.
First, it's racism.

Now, it's awkward sexual
misconduct in the workplace.

Call me old-fashioned.
I find this a little weird.

Wouldn't you guys prefer
to give birth

in a place
that's more sensitive,

maybe one floor up?

Wait a minute.
Is that what this is about?

You wanna take over
our business?

How dare you?

This is a discussion
of racism.

Cliff.

Wait, wait, wait.
What do you want?

And I'm here
to give it to you.

Kick my ass.
What? No.

Come on.
I knew you were gonna say that.

Big meat.

Big meat here, he's gonna
give me what I deserve.

He owes me.

Mr. Tookers
helped me move.

Twice, okay?

Back up.
No, this is for you.

Give it to me hard,
just not in the teeth

'cause my smile's
my moneymaker.

No, stop,
nobody's hitting anybody. Do it!

Oh.

Aw.
What the hell?

Run, run, go.
Go to the Bronx zoo.

I'll call you later.

Oh, my God.
[Groans]

Thank you, Duncan,
for those illuminating words

from Langston Hughes.

We have an exciting
update, everyone.

Several news vans
are on their way

to help spread
our message.

Great.
We're gonna get crucified.

If only Olivia pope
was here.

Oh, and Tracy Whitfield
himself is here

to lend his voice
to our chorus of outrage.

But, Peter,
you know Tracy Whitfield

from the university
of "dart-mouth."

(Peter) Yeah, I've said that,
like, five times today.

He's the one that stopped me
from getting my arm branded.

Go talk to him.
Make this go away.

Please, Peter, help us.

You need my help?

Yes, we do.

The Junior partner
is gonna help this...

We need help.
Please go do it.

Please, please.
We're so sorry. Okay, relax.

I'm on it.
Okay.

Hey, yo, Whitfield!

Hey. Hey.

Oh.

That is not my friend.
I made a horrible mistake.

What... what the hell's
wrong with you?

Peter!
Okay, that was very racist.

Cliff, I should never
have duped you

into a sexual
text conversation.

I'm sorry.

Okay, thank you.

I'm also a little not.

Could've just
ended it there.

No, I'm not sorry
because Mindy really liked you.

And I think you had
a case of the hornies for her.

Oh.
[Sighs]

I'm not really crazy
about "case of the hornies,"

and I'm with Heather now.

And look,
I don't think

that you're
a bad person, okay?

I just... I just...
I find you to be somewhat...

Unbearable.

(Whitfield)
Yes, some of you are angry.

We cannot
tolerate discrimination,

and I will shut
these doctors down.

In my defense,
I was drunk

every time I hung out
with the guy I thought that was.

Well, I'm going to do
the dignified thing

and join the protesters.

Maybe we need to get Priscilla
to come back.

No?

(Whitfield)
Tomorrow, across the district.

Next year,
to the halls of congress.

Excuse me, guys. Maybe all
the way to the White House!

Who's with me?

I never thought
I'd live to see

a second black President.

Hey, Tamra.

It makes me sick
to think

that you might think
I'm a racist.

I know you're not racist,
Dr. L.

Then why are you
doing this?

You are a little...
Anti-semitic, I know.

But you know what?
I'm probably gonna marry one.

No, you can
be condescending

to the people under you
at work.

Something, you get a little
Downton Abbey.

You've seen Downton Abbey?
See?

That's condescending.
Yeah.

So when you told me
not to date Ray Ron,

a man who redefines
my universe spiritually

and gets disability
'cause of his neck,

I just felt disrespected.

Okay, okay, all right.

Listen, Tamra, I do
not look down on anyone.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, girl.

I do look down
on Ray Ron.

I'll try to get
to know him better.

We can't let these doctors turn
the clock back a hundred years.

For one thing,
I'd miss my smartphone.

[Laughter]
Gotta have my smartphone.

All right, I've had enough
of this. Excuse me.

(Whitfield)
We need to send a message

that hatemongers
like Shulman & Associates

will disappear
like slavery and apartheid.

This message
is more than...

Excuse me, Mr. Whitfield?

Do you mind
if I say something?

Um...
Just give her the mic.

She'll give us more
to protest.

Shut up.

Uh, sure.

Thank you.
[Clears throat]

Okay, I know you're all
very angry right now.

[All booing]
Shame.

I just wanna say
one thing,

which is my name
is Mindy Lahiri,

and I am not
a racist.

Sure, I tell
edgy jokes sometimes,

but people
really like that.

It's good for morale
in this economy.

(Woman)
Are you kidding me?

Moreover...
More importantly,

Shulman & Associates
are not racists.

We help women
who are poor,

who are uninsured,
of almost every ethnicity.

In fact...
Oh, one of our doctors,

Dr. Danny Castellano,
he told me this morning

that he has had sex
with women

of almost
every single race.

Don't say my name.
There he is, right there.

Danny Castellano.

What are you do... you've had
sex with a woman of every race.

That's personal.

Doesn't that bring
a tear to your eye?

No? Okay.

Um, another doctor of ours

is spearheading
a mobile health unit initiative.

Once a month,
our practice will take a van,

and we're gonna go
to low-income areas,

and we're gonna help women
in need.

[Applause]

Actually, some of the areas,
I think,

are in your district,
Mr. Whitfield.

So, um, connection.

The point is
Shulman & Associates...

Not racists.

Thank you very much.

Whitman 2014.

Whitfield.
Whitfield.

Sorry.
[Cheers and applause]

Was it okay that I mentioned
your sex partners?

No, I didn't like that.
Okay.

(Whitfield) Wow. Was it... okay.

Our district could actually use
that mobile medical unit.

[Cheers and applause]

You know,
part of fighting for justice

is knowing
when to put down your weapons

and accept
an olive branch.

No, no,
wait, wait, wait.

This is not
an olive branch.

This is a master's whip
they're handing you.

Ooh, hey,
listen up, man.

You're starting to make me
feel uncomfortable, all right?

And you're kind of wasting
my time.

These people are
barely racist.

Wait...

So the mobile health idea
kind of...

I don't know,
I think it saved the day.

What would be
a good thank-you gift for me?

What about making me
senior partner?

Fine.
Noice!

And I'ma be
senior partner too.

No, you're the nurse.
Go back up to work.

You wasted
a lot of our time, Tamra.

All right,
let's get back.

(Whitfield) Hey, Mindy. Hi.

Hi, I just wanted
to tell you

that I really admire
your passion.

Thank you.
Yeah.

You remind me
of Winston Churchill.

Yeah, the way you speak,
the way you walk.

Okay.

And I'd love
to hear more

about that mobile medical unit
you got.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, maybe we can talk more
about it over dinner sometime.

Sure.
That'd be great.

I'll bring Tyra.
Who?

Tyra banks.
She and I are dating.

She's my girlfriend.
Okay.

Get out of here.
I don't have time for this.

Okay.

(Peter)
Yes, senior partner.

(Mindy)
Junior senior partner.

(Danny)
Probationary.

Have you talked
to Priscilla?

Nah.
Not feeling it.

That's what she told me.

Hey, Jerry.

Good morning, Dr. L.
[Mouthing]

All right, relax.