The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 10 - Wedding Crushers - full transcript

I actually don't
mind being single,

because I live
in New York City...

the greatest city in the world.

Here's what I do mind...
When your lying,

drug addict,
two-timing ex-boyfriend

sends you a beautiful
wedding invitation.

And he's marrying
someone named Corinne?

I'm... I'm sorry
if I'm boring you.

"All You Need
Is Love." The Beatles.

Ugh. God.

Yeah?



- Hey.
- Hey.

Tomorrow night
when we go to Josh's wedding,

do you think we should
take your car

or something
a little less boring?

I'm asking, 'cause I found
this pretty cool flyer

in the trash,
for a place in Queens

that rents out "A-1 luxurious
USA automobiles."

Your old sports lawyer
boyfriend Josh?

Yeah, I can't go.

No, no, no.
You're gonna drive,

so I can put on my makeup
and drink in the car.

Yeah, Mindy, I really can't go.

My kid brother Richie's
in town.

He says he's got big news.



I'm hoping he's moving
back to New York.

Your baby brother Richie,
who you raised

when your deadbeat dad
walked out on you?

Aw, two little guys...

Okay.

Taking on the big city,

sleeping in a sardine can...
Okay.

Do not distract me.

You said that you would
come to this wedding with me.

Just go by yourself.

Go by myself
to an ex's wedding?

Are you crazy?
I'll look pathetic.

I always love
going to places alone.

That way, I get to wear
my Springsteen bandana,

listen to my transistor radio.

You're describing
a pathetic person.

Maybe the universe
is telling you

not to go
to another ex's wedding.

The last time, you gave
an intoxicated speech,

and you rode your bike
into a pool.

I guess I could call Josh
and tell him

I'm busy with work.

Or I could fake my own death.

No, you know what?

I'm not gonna go
down that path.

Okay.

Mindy, hey.

Hey, Josh, I just
wanted to say that

I can't come to your wedding

because of a work emergency
with a VIP patient.

I wish I could tell you
who it is,

but Jay-Z would be furious.

Sorry. It's Beyonce.

Cool, I get it.
But just so you know,

you don't need to feel
intimidated or anything.

Oh.
I don't feel intimidated.

Like I said,
it's because of a work thing.

Ah, being
a professional woman...

balancing work
and personal life,

ah, it's so hard.

It's tough to go
to an ex's wedding,

and I got engaged so quickly.

But you'll
find someone eventually.

- You're great.
- I know that I'm great.

Oh, look, I just got an email
from Beyonce.

Turns out,
cranberry juice did the trick,

so I can come to your wedding.

Okay, good.

And I'm bringing a date.

Who to ask?

Mmm. Mmm.

Ugh.

Yuck.

Hello there, young man.

- Hey.
- I'm Mindy Lahiri.

Doctor, woman.

Can I help you find
what you're looking for,

- who you're looking for?
- I...

There he is.

- There he is. There he is.
- Whoa. How you doing?

- Give me a kiss. Mwah.
- Get over here.

Danny, Danny,
is this your trainer?

- It's my little brother Richie.
- Wow.

He's hot.

Okay, take it easy,
Mrs. Robinson.

- He's not for you.
- Okay, I'm way too young

to understand
your graduate reference.

Oh, my God.
Where are you visiting from?

Heaven?

You look like
a young Marlon Brando.

- Look at that skin.
- Okay, stop.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- A little close.

- Dope outfit.
- Thank you.

- I love your hair. That's a fun braid.
- Thank you.

Okay, okay.
Everybody take it easy.

Richie's here to spend
a wild weekend

- with his big brother.
- Oh, wild weekend?

- Yeah.
- Wild weekend? What are we gonna do?

We gonna watch
a Ken Burns documentary

and look at a telescope,
fall asleep at 9:30?

Ooh. Burn on you, Dr. C.

I-I'm just visiting
for a week from Florida.

Yeah, yeah, he had
to tear himself away

- from all those hot bodies
down at South Beach, right? - Okay.

I know Florida from the movies.

Are you a cocaine salesman
or a pet detective?

Oh, no, I'm a tennis pro
on Palm Beach.

Anyway, I'm having a party
tomorrow night at my place.

You can't have a party tomorrow
night, 'cause I can't make it.

I have to go to Josh's wedding.

That's perfect timing.

Okay, look at him.
He's got the Castellano curse.

He's got a perfect face.

Hey, guys, Danny's brother
is totally gay, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- What? What makes you say that?
- 100%.

Oh, I know my gay guys.

I let all the guys
in my college madrigal group

touch my boob,
just so they could feel one.

Yeah, and what straight guy
says, "Fun braid"?

Mm.

Oh, my God. Do you think
that's why Richie's in town?

He's gonna come
out of the closet to Danny,

and Danny's so Catholic.

I mean, he says a prayer
before he has chewing gum.

And he does not like surprises.

That's why he hates
boxes of chocolate,

because he wants to know
what he's gonna get.

Okay, look.
I know that 99.9%

of the people
who call for an escort

really just want a prostitute.

And of those people
who insist that

they just want an escort,

I know that
they kinda want sex.

But I am just a nice woman
who is looking

for an escort to escort her
to a wedding, okay?

And yes, if he's good-looking,
I would consider...

Hey, Min.

Word on the street
is you're looking

for a plus-one to go
to a wedding with you.

No, that...
You are misinformed.

I just heard you on the phone

talking to a prostitute.

For your information,
I balked at the price.

You need to let me come.

You need a plus-one.
I kill at weddings.

They call me "Mr. Wedding."

That means you scam
on all the bridesmaids.

You make everyone
clear the dance floor,

so you can break-dance badly.

And then somehow,
at the end of the night,

you're up there with the band,

and you're air saxophoning.

Mindy, I can't spend
another Saturday night

stalking ex-girlfriends
on the internet,

hoping to find
a breast-feeding pic.

- God.
- I need to meet someone.

In an effort to get you
to stop telling me

these sad tales, you can come.

You won't regret this.

And I won't regret this.

Because I probably
won't remember any of it.

Okay.

Josh, I can't believe
you thought

I was Kerry Washington
for a second.

That's so random.

Let's go. I don't
wanna miss the cocktail hour.

The door is open, Peter.

My God, if you are
wearing cargo shorts

or your "Legalize Weed"
t-shirt...

- Whoa.
- Hey.

Mr. Wedding.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

God, I feel like
he could be in a boy band.

Look at Richie.

- He reminds of a... like a young you.
- Mm-hmm.

I bet you I have to sleep
on the couch tonight,

with the white noise machine on.

But you wouldn't
be disappointed

if he didn't hook up
with a girl, right?

Or, like, if he hooked up
with, like, a non-girl?

It better be a non-girl,
he's gay.

You okay?

You know Richie's gay?

No, Morgan, a straight guy
won Mr. Gay Fort Lauderdale.

Yes, I know he's gay,
of course.

How did you know this?

You didn't need
to be a Columbo.

The fourth grade,
he goes to Halloween

dressed as Sharon Stone
from Basic Instinct.

- Whoa.
- He's gay.

So as many of you know,

Corinne and I met
in a carpentry class in rehab.

I hated carpentry.
It sucks.

What am I, a caveman?
Use metal.

But being an addict,

I quickly
became obsessed with it.

And I made us these.

Wow.
Look at the craftsmanship.

They're amazing.

Now, maybe I'm
getting sentimental

from the sparkling apple juice,

but I'd like to think
these will last forever...

like us.

- Great.
- To a beautiful couple.

You'll make beautiful babies.

A year ago, that guy was
literally in a gutter,

I'll have you know.

And now he is having
my dream adorable wedding.

All right, the Mason jars,
the cupcakes

cutely arranged in tiers
instead of a wedding cake.

That was my idea,
that I had in a dream.

I wish I had written it down.
Now I could sue them.

Wow.
That was very moving.

Oh, cool, Shawne "Merryman" has
some kind of thing to say now.

It's Shawne Merriman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
lights out.

That's my catchphrase...
lights out.

I feel you. Table nine
holds you down, Shawne.

Shh. You're reacting
too loudly.

* looks like we made it * _

Oh, my God.
Look at this couple.

Have you ever?

Can you imagine
being in something like this?

I dated him.
I-I could imagine it.

Hold on.
You dated that guy?

That's why we got invited
to this, is I dated him.

You dated Bourne Ultimatum
or whatever?

Okay, he's not
that good-looking.

* they'll never make it *

that's a nice one.

But anyone can be
professionally styled

to look cute in a photo.

I've done it, like,
ten times at the mall.

I think they're gonna make it.

* still the one *

Mindy, I could sit here
all night

pouting about my ex.

But I'm gonna choose
to go party my nards off,

and I would hope
that you would come with me

and party your oves off
as well.

I don't feel like it, Peter.

Let's do it.

Mr. and Mrs. Wedding,
to the dance floor.

- What?
- More wine.

No, no, no, no, no.

No one's dancing yet.
We're gonna look really lame.

It's a wedding,
you're supposed to look lame.

- Peter, no, Peter!
- Hey, yo, DJ Tanner.

This dance floor
needs to be a full house.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm so sorry.

I barely know him, sorry.

* well, my friends, the time has come *

Keep your jacket on.

Come on, get out here.

Stop it.

* everybody sing *

Peter, what are you doing?

* lose yourself
in wild romance *

* we're going to party,
karamu *

Come here.
Dance like this.

Uh, okay.

- Like, close, like that.
- All right.

Yeah.

* all night long *

- There you go, that's it.
- Peter...

* all night, all night long *

- You're really good, Peter.
- Thanks.

I've been to, like, 15 proms.

* all night long *

Oh, my God.
That's my jam.

- All right.
- Okay, I don't think so, pal.

Yep.

- Look what you did.
- See?

And I will take
these Martinis. Mmm.

Oh, uh, okay.
Thank you.

* come join our party *

* see how we play *

* oh *

* yes *

* we're gonna
have a party, yeah *

* all night long *

Who's that guy?
Is he single?

Uh, that's Mr. Wedding,
and he's with me.

* yeah, feel good, feel good *

Danny, stop trying to
set me up with Anderson Cooper.

Are you back with Ramon?

Big lats like that,
how does that guy buy suits?

Ramon was way too
into his body, you know?

- I was basically a gym widow.
- Uh-huh.

Look.
I-I got something for you.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Wait here.
- You got me something?

Look at this kid...
good posture, good manners.

The only gift
you need to give me

- is a visit from your gay ass.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You didn't need
to bring me anything.

What'd you get me?

Did you wrap this yourself?

The Miami Vice soundtrack?
Are you kidding me?

Look. Can you believe this?

Morgan, Miami Vice.

I think I might be
too young for that show.

This was my favorite show
growing up.

What are you...
I love this.

Flamingos, bikinis,
Edward Olmos.

Look at this.
How'd you know?

This was before you were born.

You know,
the gift isn't from me.

It's from dad.

He said you guys
used to watch it together, so...

It's from dad?

- What the hell?
- Get in there.

- Dan, come on, Dan.
- Get in there.

Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no.
Get in here.

You didn't come to visit me?

You came on a mission
for that loser?

What does he want?
What does he want?

He wants money?
Does he want my bone marrow?

- Don't let him near your marrow.
- He doesn't want anything.

- He just wants to get to know me.
- Oh, come on.

You're so gullible.
You were always so gullible.

Your pet turtle?
Shelley Long?

Yeah, seven turtles.

Look, I'm sorry
I didn't have a chance

to destroy my relationship
with dad.

And the pizza oven
isn't even hot enough.

What'd you say?
What'd you just say?

Don't you dare
disrespect my pizza oven.

Mindy, hey.

Hey, Josh.

I have to say,
this is a perfect wedding.

Good, thank you.
You look really nice.

That dress makes you
look more proportional

than you actually are.

You're the life of the party.

And that guy you brought,
who is that?

- He's the best.
- Peter.

Yeah, Peter's all right.

You two make
a cute couple, huh?

- You go great together.
- Oh, thank you.

I guess we do.

Oh, baby.

- Really?
- Oh, God. Oh, God.

Peter, what have you done?

She threw herself at me.
I can't say no.

You know, it's her day.

I wanna make sure it's just
as she dreamed as a little girl.

Oh, my God.

Josh, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!

- It's you're day too, and I'm sorry.
- Shut up, shut up!

Josh, calm down, okay?

Let's just get you a drink.

- I can't have a drink, Mindy!
- God, that's right.

What, now you're trying
to knock me off the wagon,

- in addition to bring this...
this greasy creep... - Greasy?

...to have sex with my wife?

Who, by the way, just got
out of rehab for sex addiction.

Ohh. That makes...

No, no, no, no!

Because it was different,

and she clearly
had done it before.

Why are you not more mad?

Your boyfriend just
cheated on you

on a diaper change station.

- We have an open relationship.
- He's not my boyfriend.

- He's just some loser from
work that I brought. - Hey.

This is pathetic.

You're pathetic.

I think I'm in love with her.

What is the matter with you?

Richie, wait.

Hey, Richie Castellano...

Richie, wait, wait.

I gotta talk to you.

My heart.

Uh, listen.

You gotta forgive Danny...

He's such a dick
sometimes, you know?

Yeah, he's obviously
a dick, Richie.

- But Danny's changed.
- What'd he do?

He watch a WNBA game?

No, he's not a lesbian.
No offense.

Danny has been talking about
your trip nonstop for weeks.

Really?

Yeah, you can't
shut him up about it.

It's bizarre.

And I always thought brothers

were just for taking
your Christmas nuts

and holding your head
down the loo.

Maybe I should go talk to him.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Oh, no, we're not jogging,
are we?

Hello?

Oh, my God, Josh, no, no!

Don't do drugs, say no!
Users are losers!

Whoa.

- Cocaine is delicious.
- It's powdered sugar.

I'm still sober.

I just find
the rituals comforting.

Good. And good for me.

'Cause I'd be a drug addict

if cocaine was
as delicious as sugar.

Can I...
Is there any left?

It doesn't matter.

Hey. I'm so sorry.

I only brought Peter
to this wedding

because I thought
that I needed a date,

so you would think
that my life was together.

I get it.

I mean, why do you think
I threw this six-figure wedding?

It sure wasn't for the fun
of bargaining with

"Roscoe And The Motown Moment."

What are you talking about?

I met a girl in rehab,

who was cheating
on her boyfriend with me.

And then after we got engaged,

she cheated on me
with the ex-boyfriend.

- Yikes.
- But I ignored all the warning signs,

because I was
in such a rush to prove

I wasn't a drugged-out failure
anymore.

- No, Josh, no!
- Calming mechanism, relax.

Corinne ran out.
People are asking questions.

I just really wish
I didn't have

to go out there
and explain it to everyone.

I shouldn't have come,
you know?

Danny was right.
Every time I go

to an ex's wedding,
I just ruin it.

Josh, I know what to do.

Your fake drug thing helped me.

Wait.
What are you doing?

I'm gonna do what I do best
at weddings...

ruin them.

We're having some trouble

tracking down the happy couple.

But don't worry,
I'll entertain you

a little bit
with some juggling.

I can do it better
when... when I'm by myself.

Excuse me, Shawne Merriman.

I'd like to use the microphone,
I have something to say.

But I can do it, though.
I've done it before, I...

I'm sure you can.
You're very good-looking.

All right, everyone, hi.

You might remember me
from earlier in the evening,

'cause I was killing it
on the dance floor.

Yeah, you're the girl
that stole all the meatballs.

Okay, that's somebody else.

I have terrible news.

The wedding
has been called off.

Yeah, and it's all my fault.

I tried to have sex with Josh
in the bathroom.

And then Corinne walked in.

But it is not
Josh's fault at all.

No, Mindy,
you don't have to...

No, Josh, they deserve to know,

because you're a good guy.

I'm obsessed with you.
And I couldn't not have you...

Stop, stop!

Peter, what are you doing here?

You're not doing this alone.

It's true.

I saw the whole thing.

And it was disgusting.

Hey, how many people here
are fed up

with airline food, huh?

Show of hands...
Hey, what's the deal with...

Guys always wanna
watch sports, right?

- And women just...
- Peter, Peter... Peter, no.

Thanks, you're a good guy.

So all this to say,
Josh is not to blame.

We don't blame him.
We blame you, meatball.

That's enough, CJ Wilson.

Just because I like
to eat meatballs

does not mean
I'm made of meatballs.

Well, I think the reason
I did it is

because I'm jealous of Josh
because his life is great.

- And I'm still kind of a disaster.
- Train wreck.

Anyway, so please forgive us.

You ruined true love,
you monster.

Oh, my God.

How dare you, CJ Wilson?

Is that the best you got, CJ?

Oh, God, he's got a cannon!

Hey, guys, playing
limbo was kind of my idea,

so I'd like a turn.
Hello.

- Stupid, stupid, stupid.
- Hey.

Look, Richie,
why are you talking to dad?

Come on, he's a loser.

I believe you.

Every time I say the word "Dad,"
you clench your fist.

- I do not.
- Dad.

Oh, God.
Why aren't you mad?

I mean, he left us.
He left mom.

It's his fault
you didn't have a dad.

I don't know,
because I did have a dad.

What are you talking about?

You raised me, Danny.

You taught me how to shave.

You taught me
how to shave my legs

when I did cabaret.

I love you, Richie.

Look, Danny,
dad's in California.

He wants to talk to you.

Yeah, I wanna talk
to 1982 Pat Benatar,

but, you know,
that's not gonna...

I don't care that dad sent you.

I'm just glad you're back.

And maybe I can get you
to move back.

Come on, you know
I gotta live in Florida.

- Why?
- I look too good in linen.

Oh, come on, you look great
in a garbage bag.

- What are you talking about?
- Stop it.

Get over here.
Give me a hug.

There you go.

* my friends wonder
why I call you all the time *

* what can I say? *

I get it, you know, I suck.

It's just,
being at a wedding tonight

reminded me that
Becca's getting engaged and...

No, no, stop.

You cannot blame your ex
for tonight.

You're right.

You're right. You just...

You have to understand
that Becca took my heart and...

Stop it, stop it, okay?

You cannot blame Becca

for all
of your stupid, bad behavior.

Becca is not some evil wizard
that controls your penis.

Can I get "vulnies" with you
for a second?

Eh.

When the bride came at me,

I kinda just
went with it because...

I haven't had sex
in over a year and a half.

What?
Are you s...

You are constantly
telling sex stories.

I know...
all from the case files.

The truth is that
when we were out there

having fun tonight,
that was the longest

I've gone without thinking
about Becca in...

God, I don't even know
how long.

It was pretty fun.

Mr. and Ms. Wedding.

You know,
when we were out there,

for a microsecond,
I looked at you,

and I thought, "Hmm, yeah,

I could see how someone
could date that guy."

- You love me.
- What?

- You love me.
- No, I don't.

You wanna make adorable,
mixed-race babies with me.

Absolutely not.

I wanna make mixed-race babies
with Michael Fassbender.

You want me
to pull the car over,

so we can get it on,
or you just wanna go to town?

Oh, my God.
I gently complimented you.

Look at us.
We're having our first fight.

I'm gonna throw up.
No more talking.

Just silence.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Yes, yes!

Great limbo, Richie.
He can limbo.

Hey, you made it.

How was the wedding?

Eh, I got laid.

I ruined it.

That sounds about right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, limbo.

Come on, stop eating.
Come help me.

Go to bed.