The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 11 - Christmas Party Sex Trap - full transcript

(Mindy) Christmastime
in New York City...

Snow on the ground,
lights in the trees,

and so many tourists
that it's nearly impossible

to return a bra
to a department store.

It's the time of year
when...

Are you buying a tree or not? I am.

I'll take
your biggest tree.

$250.
What?

For a dead tree?

Okay, I'll take
that little sickly one.

Merry Christmas.



Merry Christmas,
and I'm gonna need some help

bringing it
to my office.

Is that something you do,

or is it, like,
one of your Christmas elves?

[Both chuckle]

All right.

Merry Christmas.
Thank you.

(Woman)
♪ Soon gonna jingle

♪ The bells that'll jingle
taxi! Taxi!

♪ All your troubles away
[Shouts]

♪ Everybody's waiting

♪ For the man with the bag
damn it!

[Subway doors chime]

Excuse me!
Hold the train.



Thank you.

♪ He's got a sleigh full

♪ It's not go...
What the hell is that?

How Hindu are you?
It's a Christmas tree.

I don't think so.
What are you doing?

What were you holding?

[Overlapping comments]

Son of a bitch.
(Danny) Mindy, Mindy.

Mindy, no. (Morgan) Dr. L. Aagh!

Put the tree back!
(Morgan) Just like the Grinch!

[Chatter continues
in background]

No!
Oh!

Merry Christmas!

[Upbeat music]

(Betsy)
Good morning, everyone.

Dr, Reed?

Dr. Reed. Oh!

Everyone, Dr. Reed
is thin and handsome again.

Okay, calm down.
Whoa.

Someone's looking good enough
to get roofied.

Your body looks amazing.

Aren't you glad
I made you go to fat camp?

It wasn't a fat camp.

It was the center,
an holistic weight loss clinic

where I learned
I'd been addicted to food.

Dr. Reed, your secret Santa
left this for you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's the toffee
from where I grew up as a kid.

You can't even buy this
in America.

It's too full of fat
and sugar.

Thank you,
whoever bought me this.

It's a nice gift.

Good-bye, toffee.

I love when you spend
the night at Heather's.

It means that I get
a morning commute buddy.

I used to think that this
other guy was my commute buddy,

but it turned out that he just
lived on the subway.

And I didn't find out...

Cliff.

Hey, cliff, cliff.

My story,
did you hear it?

Yeah, sorry.

I was up
till 3:00 A.M. last night.

Why were you up?

Heather and I got
in a huge fight.

You did?
Mm-hmm.

Not you and Heather!

You guys are one of the great
couples of all time.

Well, lately, everything I do
makes her mad...

How I talk...
What?

The way I organize
my sweaters.

In Roy G.
Biv color order.

It's OCD, but...

I swear that if we didn't have
concert tickets this month

we'd break up.

Exciting news, everybody.

This Friday,
Shulman and associates

is having a Christmas party
for the entire building.

The entire building?
Yeah.

This building
is full of randos

who we should get
to know better.

The notary public
on five,

maybe those cool lawyers
across the hallway.

Okay, is this a ploy
so you can hang out with cliff?

What?
What are you saying?

Are you having a stroke?
What does that even mean?

Oh, and we can exchange
our final secret Santa gifts.

Oh, that reminds me.
I'm your secret Santa.

Medical gauze?
Come on.

Yeah, I don't believe in
spending money on stupid things.

Really? So I assume
you got that shirt for free?

Bazinga!
What?

And with that classic Danny dig,
it's settled.

We're gonna have a party.

You and I have to
go get food. Okay.

I think the party
should be gluten-free.

What? No. Why?

'Cause Tamra has
Celiac's disease.

Yeah, when my stomach
sees gluten,

it's like,
"this ain't your party,"

but how'd you know?

I log what you eat.

I notice what you eat.

Okay, fine, whatever,
it can be gluten-free.

Peter, Jeremy, I need you guys

to go pick up classy alcohol.

Yeah, that's not gonna work
for me.

It's come to my attention

that, during special events
in my life,

I maybe partake
in alcohol a little too much.

And, as you know,
last year at a holiday party,

I made sex
to a Christmas tree.

Well, we'll miss you,
but it's probably

for the best, and ultimately
we won't notice your absence.

So, Betsy, I need you
to get 4,000 wine coolers.

You won't notice my absence
because I'll be there.

And I would hope that you guys
would respect my wishes

and maybe keep it
a dry party.

Ex-queeze me?
That's very mature of you, Peter.

No, just because...

Here's what's happening...
Shulman and associates

are hosting a Christmas party

free of gluten
and alcohol.

And I have
a deadly allergy to...

I'm sorry, I can't hear any more
restrictions for the party.

(Peter)
Okay, why does this building

have so many taxidermists
in it?

It's gonna be
a weird party.

Last time I was
at a holiday party sober

was at my sixth grade
snowflake play.

Actually,
you know what,

I had two beers
that night.

The holidays can be tough
for us food junkies too.

But luckily, they did give us
a secret weapon

at the center...
This is a taste spray

designed to satisfy
my cravings.

Short rib mist.
Yummy.

I am very full now.

Okay, the only way
we're gonna make it

through this party
is if we're sober buddies.

Yes.
You stop me from drinking...

You stop me from taking queso
into the bathroom.

(Both)
Deal.

So are you making
a gingerbread house this year?

Nah,
I got a lot going on.

Work, and my bank
just sent me a new credit card,

so I have that to activate.

You are such a horrible liar.

I bet you already imported sugar
stained glass from Germany.

Oh, please,
German sugar glass?

It's notoriously brittle
and cloudy.

[Softly]
Okay, I'll tell you this.

I am making a structure.

I'll give you a hint.

It's the house of a man

that's very important
to this country.

Justin Timberlake's
childhood home in Nashville.

What?

Hello, Mindy,
Danny.

Hello.
Hello.

Have you met my new girlfriend
Maria Menounos?

(Danny) Oh,
I'm a big fan of your journalism.

You're my hair idol...

Are you two dating?

Yeah.

Wh... you could have
almost anybody.

Excuse me. I have never been
with such a soulful person.

Aw. Come here, you. [Giggling]

This is our first Christmas
together,

and we've just been sharing
and celebrating.

Oh, my gosh, Mindy,
what's wrong with me?

Here I am,
flaunting our blooming love,

and you with your
engagement breakup.

I'm just sorry.
Okay, listen, pal,

she's fine, okay?

She's been going out
with a lot of guys

since that guy...
Probably too many guys.

Shh, that's not...
A lot.

The right amount.
The normal amount.

Not really.
Maria... no, hush, hush.

It's been quite a... the point
is that I'm doing fantastic.

She's doing great.

Mindy, you don't have
to shine it on in front of me.

I'm a friend, okay?

Holidays are always hardest
on the lonely.

Suicide rates
do go up as we all know.

Sorry.
Bye, Maria.

I'm actually dating someone too.

He's handsome lawyer
who works in this building.

Oh.

Well, that's...
That's great.

No, no,
it's better than great.

It's great!

Well, if he works
in the building,

I look forward to meeting him
at the party.

Great.

Okay, let's go.
We can't get out.

We have to go back up...
Okay, fine.

Why did you tell Deslaurier
you were dating

a lawyer
in the building?

'Cause he was rubbing
Menounos in my face.

Menounos.
Menounos.

Ugh, I hate him.
Besides, who knows?

Maybe at the party
I will be dating someone.

I knew it.
I knew it.

Building-wide
Christmas party,

all the sexy mood lighting
you installed in Phlebotomy.

Well, you know, soft lighting
is good for urine samples too.

No, no, this is
a Christmas party sex trap

so you can get to cliff.

Is that so wrong,
Danny?

Is it so wrong for an unmarried
23-year-old woman

to throw a party
so she can meet a man?

You're a little nut job,
and it's not gonna work.

Thank you for saying
that I'm little,

and it will work,
and I'll tell you why.

Because I have

a foolproof, four-point,

man-catching party plan.

Oh, boy.
Wanna hear about it?

Not really, but...
You're gonna.

I know. (Mindy) Here's the plan.

Step one: Throw the greatest
party anyone has ever seen.

When the guy gets there,
ignore him.

Instead, be talking
to the coolest guy in the room.

Step two:

I do a sexy version
of Santa baby.

It's both titillating
and festive.

[Santa baby playing]

♪ Santa baby

♪ Just slip a sable
under the tree ♪

♪ For me

Santa baby?
It's disgusting.

It sexualizes Santa.

Step three:
Pretend you're overheated.

Say you need some air.

Make him follow you
to a private location.

Step four: Finally alone
in a romantic setting,

he and I share
a perfect first kiss.

That's the stupidest plan
I've ever heard.

You're wrong.
You'll see tomorrow night

when I'm tonguing cliff
in the courtyard.

Come on.
All right.

[Soft music plays]

♪

And this is Elizabeth,
my other dog.

You would love her.

Aww!

That's a beautiful dog.

It'd take a lot
of sawdust to fill her up.

[Chuckles]

Wait, what?

[Knocking] What
the hell was so important?

What are you doing?

Come here.

Help me
fill my bra up with wine.

Okay,
no further questions.

Open this.

I bought a bra that holds
two full bottles full of wine.

I thought this thing was
supposed to be sober for Peter.

Peter doesn't have
to know about it.

My man-catching plan
is not going to work

without some booze, Danny.

Plus, there's also
an added benefit.

What's that?
Pour.

Pour. Okay.
Here you go.

You should wear that
every day.

Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.

Okay.
Sorry.

I mean, it's been
kind of a weird year.

Had some losses
in my family.

I had to sell
a bunch of...

[Fairy tale music]

Pass down to my kids
one day.

Morgan, I can't keep
talking to you.

Totally understood.

Okay, step one
of the sex trap.

Find the coolest guy
in the room.

Hey, you.
I'm Mindy.

Oh, Biruk.
It is very nice to meet you.

Great to meet you.

[Laughs]

Oh, Biruk,
you're too much.

I did not say anything.

Oh, it's your whole...
Thing.

[Whispers] Yes.
My man trap is working.

I was once caught
in a man trap.

I knew I had
to escape the net

or else endure the horrors
of human trafficking.

Okay, um...
Do you live downtown?

Yay, sober buddy.

Not drinking
at a party eats, dog.

Hitting on women...
Out of the equation.

I mean, Maria Menounos
is right over there.

The term "blue-collar"
drives me insane.

The woman I'd create
had I a weird science machine.

If I was drunk,
I'd go over there

and snatch her away
from Deslaurier.

Go and do that.
Go talk to her.

Come on. I'd need, like,
six or seven hard lemmies

to even think about going
over there to talk to her.

What am I supposed to do
with my hands

if I'm not holding beers?
Huh?

Yeah, put them down.
It's unpleasant.

[Door opens]

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa,
can you knock first, please?

I'm not gonna knock
to the hot pipe room.

All right, what step
of the man trap are you on?

Hit him over the head
with a rolling pin

and pull down his pants?

Ha ha ha, you know
I don't own

any cooking stuff...
Joke's on you.

For your information,
I'm on step two.

Whoa.

Is that what I think it is?
Okay.

Look, close your eyes.
Stop it.

You'll see it at the unveiling
with everybody else.

I'll give you a hint.
It's located in Virginia.

Mt. Rushmore?

The Massachusetts public school
system has really let you down.

I'm sorry.
I'm a good-looking doctor.

I think it did fine.
Okay.

And you know what?
I wish you put this much effort

into your secret Santa
presents.

Oh, yeah,
that reminds me,

I got you this.

I refuse
Toto accept that gift.

I got Peter a replica

of the Dukes of hazzard car,

and I barely like him.

That's what a secret Santa
does.

Fine.
Hurry up.

The sexy routine is next.
I gotta work.

Just give me peace.

I love this.

Nothing says Christmas like
a traditional nativity scene.

You know,
there's some recent scholarship

that suggests Jesus
was actually a black woman.

Right.
I need a drink.

[Mumbles]

Hi, have you seen Mindy
by any chance?

I'm cliff, by the way.

Hi, cliff,
I'm Brendan Deslaurier.

I run the holistic
health center upstairs.

We specialize
in midwifery

and scream therapy,
shriek yoga.

[Chuckles]

I'd say I feel sorry
for the guy

who works below you,
but that's me.

I work at Gilbert, Lurie,
and Shapiro.

Oh, you're the lawyer
from the building.

You're Mindy's new boyfriend?

No.

Didn't realize
she had a boyfriend.

You know, I was surprised
to hear it too.

Suppose it was a different
lawyer from the building.

She does tend to get around
in the workplace.

Okay, well, thanks.

I appreciate it.
It was nice to meet you.

Excuse me.
Nice to meet you.

Sorry to make you sad,
cliff.

(Mindy) Everyone, quit talking
and look over here, please.

Hey, gang.

I have
a naughty Christmas surprise

for all of you.

Yeah! 'Cause now
that everybody's here...

I thought...

Wait, where is everybody?

We're here.
Over here.

I see Beverly.
Damn it.

I just want to make sure
that 100% of the people

we invited are here.

I think 99.9% of everyone
is here.

Come on.
Sing your raunchy song.

Hold on one second, okay?

Okay.
Dr. L, you're losing the room.

This is anticlimactic.
You got focus.

[Overlapping chatter]

I'm gonna rap.
I'm gonna rap.

Coitus inte...

Never mind.

Naughty song called off.

(Morgan)
Dr. L.?

Mindy, why aren't you
gonna do your song?

It's dumb.

It's so adorable.
Go do it.

Maybe.
Okay.

I guess I could give it
a try.

You know what,
why don't you go

take a nap or something?

But you were
so encouraging...

♪ Santa baby

♪ Just slip a sable
under the tree ♪

♪ For me

♪ Been an awful good girl

♪ Santa baby

♪ So hurry down the chimney
tonight ♪

[mouthing]
Stop.

♪ Santa baby,
forgot... ♪

How long are we meant
to listen to this?

Does anyone...
♪ a ring

[grunts]

♪ I don't mean
on the phone ♪

♪ Santa baby

♪ So hurry down

♪ The chimney tonight

Hurry.

♪ Tonight

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
Thank you.

Oh, my God.
I don't even know the lyrics

to this song.
It just came out of me.

[Cheers and applause]
Here you go.

Brendan!
It was amazing.

Merry Christmas.

You were offering up
your womanhood to Santa

in exchange
for material gifts.

It was just a stupid song.

I thought you would like it.

Well, as a feminist,
it offended me

to my core.

Peter, help me.

I need my sober buddy.
I've tasted frosting.

Quiet.
Look.

I'm sorry.
I just can't do this.

I'm done.

Have a very aware Kwanzaa.

It's a Christmas miracle.

What are you talking about?

Because Maria
is my dream girl,

and it's Christmas,

and she just got dumped.

But I thought you couldn't talk
to her sober?

You're right.

I need to get drunk.

No. No.
No, no, no, ahh.

Uh, food is pain.
Food is pain.

Beverly, Beverly, I need
the strongest alcohol you have.

Sorry, blue eyes,
I'm out.

What am I gonna do?

You didn't hear it from me,

but Dr. L's
wearing a booze bra.

Okay, yes!

(Woman)
♪ Old Mr. Kringle

♪ Is soon gonna jingle

♪ Bells that will tingle

♪ All your troubles away

Monticello.
There you are.

[Slurping]

Ugh, stupid wine bra's
out of wine.

I knew I should have brought
the long island iced panties.

Min?

♪ Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag ♪

♪ 'Cause Christmas
is coming again ♪

Are you sad about cliff?

Sad is when the cab driver
thought I was Jaden Smith.

I'm heartbroken.

Well... well, so what?

The guy left.
You weren't even dating.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that I threw

a party
with the sole purpose

of getting a guy who is still
technically in a relationship

to kiss me,
and then he left.

I'm the most pathetic loser.

I think I have something
that might cheer you up.

From your secret Santa.

No, Danny, look, you said
you didn't want

to spend money
on a secret Santa.

I shouldn't have expected
a gift.

Sometimes the best gifts
don't cost anything.

I guess if you're, like,

a poor mouse
in a Christmas special.

Okay, here we go. (Timbaland)
♪ It's been a long time

When you first
started working here,

you used to play this nonstop.

It was the first thing about you
that ever really annoyed me.

♪ Step to, step to

♪ Freaky, freaky,
baby girl ♪

(Aaliyah)
♪ What would you do

♪ To get to me

♪ What would you say

♪ To have your way

♪ Would you give up

♪ Or try again

♪ If I hesitated

♪ To let you in

♪ Now would you be yourself

♪ Or play your role

♪ Tell all the boys
or keep it low ♪

♪ If I say no

♪ Would you turn away

♪ Or play me off

♪ Or would you stay

♪ Oh, if at first

♪ You don't succeed

♪ If at first
you don't succeed ♪

♪ Then dust yourself off
and try again ♪

♪ Dust yourself off
and try again ♪

♪ Try again
I know it's stupid.

So anyway I can get you a gift
card or write a personal check.

Don't worry about it.

Just don't tell Morgan
or Jeremy about it.

Okay?
What are you talking about?

I loved it.

You liked it?

Mindy, give me
that boob wine.

What?
No. No.

Danny, I'm sorry.
I'm a monster.

Monticello!

Stop!
Do we have any cinderblocks?

Some of the guests want to see
me towow 'em off the roof.

Whoa,
weird energy in here.

Is the ghost back?

[Peter slurping]

What are we doing?

Give me that.
I don't know.

One minute I'm normal,

next minute I'm sucking down
Mindy's bra wine.

You ate a whole house.

No, it's not just a house.

It's an icon
of American architecture.

Maybe I'm just a fat guy,
you know.

I mean,
I'm in the right country for it.

And I'm tall,
so I wear it well.

Hey, hey, hey, whoever told you
that was lying.

[Sighs]
You know what?

Our deepest fear

is not that
we're inadequate.

It's that we're powerful
beyond measure.

That's a quote

from my frat buddy,
pubes.

Maybe you should listen
to his advice, Peter.

You're scared.

Otherwise you'd be
out there right now

sober-snogging
Maria Menounos.

You might not be
the most attractive guy,

but she's vulnerable,
and you're here.

You don't need
to be drunk.

You know what?
You're right.

I am here.

And that's as good
a reason as any

for a chick to make out with me.

Let's go get 'em,
sober buddy.

(Mindy)
Get out, get out, get out.

Please, for God's sakes,
get out of here.

Hey.

I was gonna go get
a breath of fresh air.

Yeah.
I'm gonna stay.

I gotta...
I gotta clean up this mess.

Okay.

Hi.
Hello.

I'm Peter.
I don't think we got

a chance to meet before.

Hi, Peter.
I was just leaving.

Well, could you leave
your beautiful body here?

Oy.

I have an early remote to shoot
at a Christmas tree farm

in Connecticut tomorrow.

What a thought-provoking piece.
I would love to see that.

My boyfriend was supposed
to drive me there tonight,

but he left.

I'd love to give you a ride,

but I'm too drunk.

Wait.
I'm not drunk at all.

I haven't had anything
to drink.

For the first time
in my life,

I'm sober at a party.

I can give you a ride.
Are you sure?

Yeah.
It's late.

Nah.

We do have
those hotel rooms.

What, what?
You could stay there if you wanted.

I would like to do that
very much.

Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.

Really?
Yes.

Okay.
Thanks.

Yeah.

(Woman)
♪ Last Christmas

Well, pigeon, I guess
it's just me and you now.

Guess today
didn't end up as...

Sure.

Mindy?

Cliff.
Hey.

You came back.
Yeah.

And I brought you
some contraband.

Oh, my God, thank you!
Gluten is my favorite food.

Hey, listen, I really wanted
to talk to you about something.

I know you just
started dating somebody,

but...
Wait, what?

Yeah, that midwife

and the lady
from extra! Told me.

And when I heard that,
I thought,

"cliff, you know,
that window is closing,

and you're gonna miss
your chance,"

so I left, and I broke it
off with Heather.

And I know this is a little bit
of a long shot.

I don't know
who this guy is you're dating.

He's probably, like,
a stockbroker

or a race car driver
or something really cool.

No, it's you.

I lied
and said it was you,

because I'm crazy.
What?

He's a stockbroker.

Okay, anyway,
the point is

I don't want you
to be with him,

because I want you
to be with me.

I want me
to be with you too.

Are you serious?

I knew you were
a little bit crazy.

Wait, wait,
I'm not crazy.

Yeah,
you're kind of crazy.

You were talking to a pigeon
when I came out here.