The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - You've Got Sext - full transcript

[Lively string music]

♪

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, as a friend,
I got to tell you,

you look terrible.

I would never
have sex with you

looking like this.

Okay, I need you
to stop using

your ability
to have sex with me

as a barometer
for how I should dress.



That's impossible.
It's ingrained.

Morgan, I've been
working non-stop.

I don't have time
to look

my normal,
glamorous self.

Okay, no, I'm sorry.

Being busy
is not an excuse.

You know,
feminism nowadays,

it's all about reminding
working women that

they have
to look hot, too.

It's like that book,
lean in.

Lean in,
by Sheryl Sandberg?

Yeah, it's about how,
you know,

girls have to lean in,
so their boobs look bigger.

Ugh...



No, it's not about that.

It's about...
Something else.

I didn't read it.

I think it is.

Hold the door.
Hey.

Hold the door please.

Hi, cli...

Hi, Mindy.
Morgan.

Mindy, you look like
you've been working hard.

Got any big
plans tonight?

I do, in fact.

I'm performing a c-section
and then I'm going home

to give myself
an allergy test.

I've had these red itchy
hives along my ribcage

and I suspect
it's a lanolin allergy,

but tonight,
I'll fin...

Um...
[Clears throat]

What are you guys
doing tonight?

Yana and I are going
to dinner and a play.

Friday night
is a date night.

(Mindy)
That's very nice.

Yana,
what do you do?

I'm...
How you say it?

A ass model.

An ass model...
Yeah.

Yana was runner-up
to miss universe this year.

Oh, my God.
That's how I know you.

You were so good
in the Interview.

My favorite hobby is also
activities. You're so loud.

[Elevator dings]

All right.
Well, talk to you later.

Bye, guys.
Okay.

Have a good night.
See you.

The hell was that,
you dweeb?

I was cool,
I thought.

That guy and you,

you're supposed
to be together.

Okay, Morgan.

Even if I liked him,
it doesn't matter.

He's with the second-hottest
woman in the universe.

You know, I'm not even
the second-hottest person

on the floor.,

especially since Doug
became desiree.

Damn it.

Okay.
No, no, no.

I want you to stay
on that elevator.

You do not get off of here
until you think about

how you acted just now.

I have to be alone
with my thoughts?

Yes.

[Sighs]
Oh, God.

[Upbeat music]

Oh, Doris.
Doris.

Can you please check
lost and found for my purse.

It has my wallet and my keys
and my phone in it.

And, um, you're
super catholic, right?

Just don't check
the zipper compartment.

Manny is in charge
of the lost and found,

but he's on a date.

It's, you know, friday night.
Date night.

So that's, like,
officially a thing now?

Yeah.

Man, it's like there was
a Taylor Swift song called

friday night date night.

You know what?
It's already my favorite song.

Why don't you
stay at a hotel?

You love dropping towels
on the floor.

You tweeted
that yesterday.

I can't pay, because
I don't have my wallet.

You know what?
Yeah?

You live around here.

I should just spend the night
at your place.

No, no, no.
Call one of your friends.

The only number I have
memorized is my thai place.

They're not gonna
let me spend the night,

which is so unfair,

because I know they
have mattresses back there.

Please, Danny.

No.

And you can't get
on my computer,

because the last time, you
changed my WiFi network name

to "leave Miley alone"

and I don't know
how to change it back.

Rule number two:
Coasters, coasters, coasters.

I don't want to see your drinks
just laying about.

Okay?

Hey, what's wrong
with you?

What?
You're all dreamy.

You know, I was just
thinking about

how when my mom
was my age,

she's already married and I was,
like, five years old.

Don't worry.

She was probably
just a child bride.

It's all messed up
over there.

Hey, hey.
That's very offensive.

I'm sorry.
Sorry.

Ah, Danny.
What am I gonna do?

If I had a boyfriend
or a husband,

he would have come
and picked me up tonight

and I wouldn't be
in this situation.

I'm never gonna
find anyone.

I just hope
my parents don't mind

that our blood line
is gonna die with me.

Family's
so important to us.

What about
your brother, Rishi?

Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Forgot about him.
I forgot about him.

Yeah, you did.

(Woman on television) I just
threw up in my mouth a little bit.

[Both laughing]

You know, that happened
to me once, for real.

Green key weekend,
Junior year.

Oh, my...
I aspirated on my own vomit.

Chris farley
appeared to me and said,

"it's not your time yet."

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know...
Whoa.

[Phone buzzing]

My butt is buzzing.

What are you
talking about?

What is this?

We got a padded bra,
men's deodorant...

Rape whistle,

plastic bag labeled
"emergency underwear."

Oh, my God.
This is Dr. L's bag.

You shouldn't
go through her stuff.

Yeah, no, no, no,
you're...

Oh, dude.
She's got texts.

Yeah, let's
go through it.

That's from cliff.

[Classical music playing]

♪

I knew it!
I knew cliff was into Dr. L.

Wow.

She'll just text
him back tomorrow.

What?
No, no, no.

You got to text him back
right now.

[Laughs]
No, no, no, no...

Yes. If a girl doesn't
respond to me immediately,

that means she's either
stuck up, dead, or living

in an elevator... all three
of which are deal breakers.

[Sighs]
Okay.

[Sighs]

[Laughs]

That is such
a quick reply.

"Your competence
is a double-edged sword"?

This nerd is horned up.

All right.

(Danny) It's so much
better being single.

No commitment,
no long hair in the drain.

No finding my toothbrush wet
because someone used it

and thought
I wouldn't notice.

But Danny, if you
rinse a toothbrush

after you use it,
it's like no one used it.

What about you?

You're always crushing
on some cheeseball.

Well, there is someone,
but...

But what?
Who's the next victim?

I feel a little weird
telling you, actually.

'Cause we work
in the same place

and he's
out of my league.

He'd never be
interested in me.

Morgan thinks
we'd be great together,

but whenever we see each other,
we fight and argue.

It doesn't matter.
Let's just go to your place.

I'm cold, Danny.

Yeah.

Oh, boy...

[Sniffs]

Danny, you smell good.
Is that cologne?

What?
No. No, no, no.

I don't smell good.

It's deodorant. Whatever.
Leave me alone.

Danny?

Hey!
Oh, my God.

It's my crazy neighbor.
I hooked up with her.

She's obsessed with me.

Do me a favor,
hold my hand, okay?

You want me to pretend
to be your girlfriend?

No... um, yeah.
No!

Yeah... I mean,
just for a second.

Okay.

Hey! Hi. Hi...

I feel like
you've been avoiding me.

Did you lose
your phone?

Your computer?

Your ability to hear
your doorbell?

No.
He found true love.

With his fiancee,
which is me.

[Phone beeps]

Oh, whoa.
Gee, he's fast.

Oh, he's answering
a question with a question.

He's into her.
Watch this.

[Chuckles]

Ah, that's good.
Now, put a winky face on it.

Are you kidding me?
A winky face?

That's like emoji porn.

Yeah,
that's the point.

Get to texting.
Winky face. Winky face.

Winky face.
Perfect.

(Mindy)
Winky face.

No way.

(Cliff)
Winky face.

Winky face!

[Both laughing]

(Amy)
So you're engaged.

How long have you guys
been together then?

Short version?
We met in St. Barths.

We met through mutual friends
at the resort's

communal dining table.

First night, we wanted
to kill each other.

Second night,
I told the maitre D',

"seat me anywhere
except next to this jerk."

Call it fate,

but that night,
we fell in love.

And we made love.

Wow.

And that's where
we cup with this guy.

Yeah, I'm with child.
It's a boy.

It's too early to tell people,

but we're just so excited.

I'm so happy for you guys.
It's such a romantic story.

Yeah.
Where's your ring?

It was a blood diamond and we
had to give it back to Africa.

We gave it back.

What are you gonna do,
right?

(Both)
So...

Let's, ah... we're
gonna head up... upstairs.

Okay, we'll see you later. Oh.

Got to get started
on baby number two,

know what I mean?
[Chuckles]

I do...

I'm sorry,
I never got your name.

It's Chloe.
Chloe Silverado.

Chloe Silverado.

[Playful orchestral music]

♪

[sighs]

[Phone beeping]

Tell him
you're taking a bath

and that your boobs
are dirty

and that you wish someone
could help clean them.

No, I'm sorry, Dr. prentice.
I can't do this.

It's getting raunchy.

Morgan, come on.
Think about it.

Cliff is a normal guy.
His life is really boring.

Until one night,

cliff gets into a very sexy
text situation with a girl

that goes
a little too far.

Mindy does this for him,
cliff gets hooked for good...

[Claps]
Make it so.

(Mindy) I can't believe the only
snack you had is sugar cubes.

Danny? Danny.

Do you know
how the windmill works?

It is unbelievable.
It's so messed up.

Okay.
Wait.

All right, look.

I think it'd be better
if you read your book in here

and I'll go in the other room
with my Ludlum.

[Sighs]
Actually, I'm sleepy.

Danny, can we just
go to bed now, please?

Yeah.
Different beds.

Sure. Ah, I'm gonna grab you
a pillow for the couch.

That's interesting,

'cause when my cousin
comes to visit me,

I give her my bed and then,
like, I sleep on the couch.

Great, so you have experience
sleeping on couches.

(Male narrator on TV) Throughout
the entire African subcontinent,

the population
has become increasingly

few and far between.
Danny?

Hey, what are you...
What are you doing in here?

Come on.

Are you watching
the nature channel?

I love this.

It makes me so happy
I don't live in those places.

Yeah?

No, don't...
I like this side smooth.

Great.
Cozy.

(Male narrator on TV)
A thrilling sex ritual

so vigorous and titillating
it is said to have inspired...

Oh, boy.

[Giggles] Okay, don't... no. Stop.

Of all the things
frogs do,

all the very interesting
things they do,

you're gonna
show me this? No.

Okay, here we go.

Creature feature.

What is this?

(Mindy) I really don't
like scary movies.

Oh, God.
Don't go over there.

(Mindy) I can't stop
talking when I'm scared.

[Gasps] Ah! Okay.

Danny, Danny,
I'm so scared.

All right. Okay, let go. Danny.

Why did you make me watch that?
Let go.

Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.

Get your legs off me now.
This has gone far enough.

We need to talk.
Okay.

I think you're right.

I admit it.
I farted.

I did it because I was scared,
and it was wrong

and we should talk about it.

No, not about that.

Okay, I spilled red wine
on your sofa cushion.

And yes,
I turned it over.

And then I got
chocolate syrup on that.

I wrapped it up with blankets
and I thought

you'd just blame it
on your maid.

Okay, stop admitting
things to me.

I farted again.

Stop!
And stop farting, okay?

We need to talk
about this.

You and me.
Okay?

Yeah, okay.

No, not here.
Not in my bed. Out there.

I was very comfortable
lying in your bed.

Okay, that's inappropriate, all right? I
don't know why we have to come out here.

But why? [Screams] Oh!

So Chloe, how much do
you know about your fiancée?

(Cliff)
Oh, my goodness, Dr. Lahiri.

Wow.

[Phone buzzing]

(Both)
Yes!

[Phone buzzing]

(Both)
No!

So Danny probably told you
I was crazy, right?

I would never say that.
Yes, he did.

Look, I did the math.

Danny had sex with me
while you were pregnant.

What?

A lot.

Daniel,
is this true?

It is possible.
I think it could be possible.

Argh!
Bastard.

That was a lot harder
than it needed to be.

I feel like I must hear
every detail,

although it will be
painful to hear it.

[Sighs]

Well, well, well. Cliff,
the lawyer from our building.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought, ah...

Is Mindy here?

Yeah, Mindy's here.

She wouldn't miss her
annual veterans day party.

Get in here man. Come on. Come on.

Come in, you.
This is a beautiful overcoat.

Yes, you look great,
by the way.

Heather!

Hi.
It's, ah, Morgan.

Yes. How are you? Good.

We're actually having
a pretty cool event in here.

Some single guys...
Single girls?

You should, uh,
check it out.

If you think you
can handle it.

I was gonna fold my laundry,

but I can't miss
an event like this.

Guess my laundry's
getting folded tomorrow.

I'll be right back.

I might quickly
fold my laundry.

Yes...

(Mindy) So Danny was
kind of a sex freak, huh?

(Amy)
Yeah.

And then there
were times when

he didn't even
want to have sex.

You know, he just
wanted to eat

melted chocolate
off my butt.

Okay, it's getting late.

I think
my fiancee has heard

about as much
as she can handle.

Amy, I want to thank you
for your honesty,

and, while deeply saddened
by this, I think I'm gonna

stick with Danny, like
Hilary or Huma, or Silda,

or, briefly, Maria shriver,
before she was like,

"wait, why am I doing this?
I'm the rich one..."

Okay, Amy, I'm gonna
need my key back now.

She had your key?
Yeah.

Well, yeah,
you know?

We were spending most nights
together and...

So, you were spending
most nights together?

Yeah, and in the morning,
he'd make pancakes.

Pancakes?
Blueberry.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Amy, do you mind
waiting here for one second?

Hey, buddy.

Guess what?

There is a sociopath here,
and it's not Amy, Danny.

It's you.
What?

You do not make pancakes

for someone who
is "just a hook-up."

I've been told that by,
like, ten different guys.

Okay, I'm Italian.
I like to cook.

Come back here.

Admit to me that you
are not this cool player

who can just hook up
with whoever.

Fine. Yes, I guess I get
a little lonely sometimes.

You know, if it's
a little drizzly out

or if I see photos
of the first family

doing that Easter egg hunt.

Oh, Danny,
do you get lonely some...?

Yes, that's what
I just said.

Okay, you don't have
to scream at me.

Can we go out there
and tell her to go, please?

Yes. But first,
you need to make this right.

Come.

(Cliff) Is Indy still
on that salsa run?

You have bigger things
to worry about, my friend,

like this triple word score.

You know, you implied
you were bad at this game.

Perhaps I was
being disingenuous.

You were.

Wait a second.

This is way too
many letters, man.

Are you sure?
[Phone chimes]

Huh.

Yeah.

Daddy likes.

Huh?
Huh?

[Rattling]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
My hippo was the hungriest.

Let's play again.
Let's play again.

You know, I actually think
I'm gonna take off, man.

What?
No, but, I love you.

[Chuckles]
No.

And that is why
my brother has no hair

on the left side
of his body.

That is the most
amazing story

I've ever heard
in my life.

It's crazy.
I...

I don't...
What are you doing?

Hey, cliff is about
to leave.

We need to introduce
him to this chick

that is cornering everybody
in endless conversations.

Whoa.
Oh.

Ah! You can't leave until

you have met my friend,
Heather. Oh!

You have the best stories.
He's the best listener.

Hi. I'm Heather.

Ah, hi. I manage a teeth
whitening clinic in Chelsea.

Uh-huh. Right.
Sparkle tooth concepts.

(Mindy)
Amy, Danny has something

he'd like to tell you.

How you been?

Come on.
Just... can you please?

Fine. Okay, so
I definitely liked you,

but I guess I kept it
going on so long because...

[Sighs]

Maybe I was
a little lonely.

He was lonely...

Thank you
for saying that, Danny.

You're welcome.

Actually,
I realize that

she has a lot more to be
angry about than I do.

I do.

[Inhales sharply]

I'm so sorry, angel.

Apologize to our baby.

I'm sorry, baby.

Tell it to him.

I'm so...
I'm so sorry, buddy.

So we have a lot
that we need to work on.

I will say that
I am happy you came by.

It was painful, for sure,

but ultimately,
I think it was worth it.

It was very painful, but it was
good and... so we're gonna...

(Mindy)
Call it a night.

Yeah, let's
call it a night.

You know, maybe we'll
get a bite to eat sometime.

You know, me, you, and Mindy,
we'll just do our thing.

Who... who's Mindy?

Her.

Chloe.
I'm... my name is Chloe, Danny.

Mindy's
someone he works with.

Yeah. Chloe.
Chloe.

We get confused
all the time, so...

Chloe, Mindy...
What is going on here?

What? What?
Nothing. Nothing.

We're just a couple
in love with each other.

Are you in a relationship
with each other or not?

Of course.
Yes!

(Mindy)
Look at... of course.

This is what...

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.
Okay, this is real.

Danny never looked
at me like that.

Plus, you are clearly
very pregnant.

So...

You're a lucky woman,
Chloe Silverado.

I don't know
if very pregnant

is how I would
describe me, but okay.

Yeah. All right,
let's go.

It's just weird,
because you're an attorney,

I'm a teeth whitener...

Right.

We're both just searching
for what's underneath

the film of lies or...

Why don't you keep talking,
and then I'll catch up,

and we'll, uh, be good.

Okay.
All right.

Thank you, cliff.

Mindy?
It's cliff.

Listen, I just want to say
that I apologize

if our texting thing
got a little intense

and you got scared off.

You know, but look...

Now that I'm here, I really...
I just, I don't know...

I just want to get to know
you better.

I think you're really
cool and, you know,

the most exciting text
I got from you all night

was the first one.

Mindy?

Mindy?

Oh...

Did you guys kill her?
Did you kill her?

Is she dead
because of you?

Oh, God. It's happening.
It's happening.

If I wanted to kill Mindy,
I wouldn't do it myself.

Hit man, bro.

Yeah, he'd call someone
like me and I would do it.

That's exactly how
I envision it going down.

That's not what's
happening here though.

Did she send me
those texts or not?

We did.
[Sighs]

(Morgan) I would like
you to know oh, my God.

That even though we were
seducing you for our coworker,

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't
a little turned on myself.

Me too, if that
will make you feel better.

It won't, okay?

It truly and profoundly
will not.

Okay. Yep,
I can see how it wouldn't

so here's what I need
you guys to do.

I need you to delete those
texts before Mindy sees them.

Or you'll sue us.

Or I will kill you.

I give this
party a "C."

Oh, there you are.

Oh, hey.
What's up?

Hey, I think I talked
to everyone at the party,

so I was gonna go.

Do you want
to come back to my place?

I'm sorry... wha...
Wait, what?

Um, I just think
you're cute

and nice, so why not
cut to the chase?

You know, I have had
a very frustrating evening,

so that sounds
pretty good.

Okay.

[Sighs] Well,
that could have gone worse, huh?

Just delete those texts.

Mindy won't know
anything about it.

Already taken care of.

I'm gonna go clean up.

(Mindy)
You know, Danny, at this point,

if you and I
pooled our money together,

we could buy Greece.

I'd have to share Greece
with you though.

Eh, we'll figure it out.

You know that guy
you were telling me about?

The one you work with.

I think you should know,
he's not out of your league.

You're great.

That's very nice
of you to say.

I mean it.

Hey.

I love that you said that.

And I'm gonna do it.

When I get home, I'm gonna
call cliff and ask him out.

Wait, what?

Cliff Gilbert.
Your friend, the attorney.

Wait, who did you think
I was talking about?

Cliff Gilbert,
from... from down the hall.

He's like, 50?

No, I think
he's younger than you.

Oh, he is?
His eyes are kind of...

They're close together,
aren't they?

His beautiful,
perfect blue eyes?

I don't think so.

Cliff Gilbert.

How about that?

[Sighs]

Purse, you're here!

(Heather)
Hi, Mindy, it's Heather.

Great party.
I wish we'd gotten to chat more.

You looked so pretty.

I just wanted to update you...
Cliff and I hung out last night

and one thing
led to another...

Well, it is pretty exciting.

And I owe it all to you.
Okay, bye.

What the hell?

[Phone chiming]