The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - Sk8er Man - full transcript

[Hip-hop music]

♪

You know what, bear claw?

Today, I am not gonna eat you
till I get to work.

That's discipline, my friend.
Sorry about that.

You know what?
Watch your back!

I'm not gonna make it.
Oh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God!

Take my money!
It's in my bra!

No, no, no.
Nothing like that.



Can I help you up?
Oh, that was dreadful.

Oh, my God,
you got creamed.

Yeah, I did.

But I didn't get hurt
that badly,

because luckily,
I have a big butt

and it cushioned my fall.

Yeah!

Okay, I can say that,
not you.

You know what?

You should be
in school, young man.

I'm gonna call
the truant officer,

who is a close,
personal friend of mine.

I'm in my 40s.

You're in your...



You have shorts on
and black socks.

Uh, says the woman
wearing pajamas.

These are scrubs.

Oh! A doctor.
Uh-huh.

That's pretty cool.
It is.

What are you doing
right now?

You wanna get a burrito?

No, I do not wanna
get a burrito.

It's 9:00 A.M.

Okay, well,
if you change your mind...

I will not.

My name is Graham Logan.

Cool name, doesn't matter.

Oh, uh, it was nice
crashing into you.

Okay.

Did you see that?

That's how good I am
at sex.

[Hip-hop music]

♪

(Mary)
I love hummus.

I'm not even kidding.

I could live on hummus.

[Laughing]

I actually made hummus once.

Yeah?
Yeah.

It's very easy,
if you have a food processor.

Big "if."
[Laughing]

Mindy, what's your
favorite kind of hummus?

No, no.

Hey, everyone, I think
that dinner is probably served.

Right, Colin, Anna?

So why don't we go over there
and talk to other people?

Are you kidding me?
Assigned seats?

What is this,
the Oscars?

That's okay,
just sit down next to me.

I'm sure Chaz
will not mind.

Hey, Danny,
I think this is my seat.

Uh, we're just
gonna switch it up.

Get outta here.

There's arranged seats
for a reason.

Go, go, go, go.
All right.

Scram, scram.
You're messing it up.

Hey.
Hi.

We must've done something
pretty bad

to get stuck all the way
over here in the cheap seats.

Yeah, or maybe they think
we're most likely

to get in some sort
of trouble.

Hi, I'm Chaz.
Hi.

And this is my wife Renee,

and her daughter from her
first husband, Clementine.

Why are you all alone?

Where's your baby?

(Chaz) Clementine, don't be rude
to the lady.

Wait.
Am I at the couples table?

Hey, guys, why am I

not sitting
at the singles table?

Every time we try
to set you up with a guy,

you find something wrong
with him and get mad at us.

You're too picky.
We've given up.

You've given up?
You've given up?

What was that?
You've given up?

Okay, you know what,
I put a curse on your family.

Mindy, don't say that.

Danny.
Hey, Danny, Danny.

I have huge news.

Yeah, I'm in the middle
of something right now.

Giuliani is running
for mayor again.

Excuse me, Mary.

What exactly did you hear?

Okay, I made that up.

But listen, listen,
listen, listen.

Colin and Anna, they just
told me that I'm too picky

and they've totally given up
on setting me up.

Well, they're right.
You are too picky.

Last year, you refused
to go out with Chaz

because his name
was Chaz.

Okay, you did not tell me
that he was hot.

Okay, I can't tell if a guy's
hot, just masculine.

I gotta get back
to my bread, okay?

Yeah, you better
get back to Mary.

Don't wanna be
the last person here

to slit your wrists
out of boredom.

Look. Look.
She's calming, okay?

She's like a white noise
machine to me.

Okay, well, then you
should ask her out.

And your first date
could be eating crackers

and watching
the weather channel.

Hey, at least
I won't be doing it alone.

Ow! What... did you just stab me
with a fork?

[Blows]

Oh, look, Mr. laid-back
Bruce Willis John Wayne

has finally mosied into work.

Dude, come on.

I can't be more than,
what,

five... teen minutes late?

Dude, you were meant
to be here an hour ago

to rehearse for
our birthing class tomorrow.

Oh, no.
The birthing class!

Yeah.
What do I know about delivering babies?

Oh, right, everything.
Hink.

All right, unnecessary.
Everybody, listen up.

I have an important visitor
coming today,

and I would appreciate it

if you could act
with a little bit of dignity

and treat me like
I've got some authority.

Thank you.

All right,
you have gotta relax.

Oh, Morgan, Morgan!
Why are your hands sopping wet?

Because I just
went to the bathroom.

Do you know that the water
in the toilet

is actually cleaner
than the water in the sink?

I...
It is.

No, I read it on the Internet.

I read a whole article
about it.

Sorry, man,
if I can't smoke in here,

neither can you.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nonsense, Beverly.
This is my father.

He can do what he wants.

Welcome to Shulman
and associates, dad.

The practice your son
is now managing partner of.

I see you got fat.

Yeah, I did a bit.
Yeah.

Oh! What is this?

Jer-bear,
is this your dad?

Yes.

You gotta tell me

all about this guy
as a baby.

[As Jeremy]
I'm managing baby of the crib.

Fry up my bottle
so I can get fatter.

That's charming.

I think I like
this one, Jeremy.

Look, I'm only in town
for the night.

Why don't you join us
for dinner?

Uh, done-zo.
I'd love to.

Right,
it's just I kinda thought

it was just gonna be
the two of us.

What would we talk about?

I don't know,
our shared lives?

My brothers, your sons,
my career?

Why can't we do that
with Peter there?

Let him come.

You haven't got
that many friends, son.

Fine.

You look like James Bond.

People often
say that, yeah.

You look like Austin powers.

Oy, Peter.
Shagadelic, baby.

I don't have glasses,
so it doesn't really work.

Yeah, but you have the teeth
and the weight.

All right, I'll see you
at dinner.

Everyone? Everyone!
Listen up!

Last night, I was attacked
by Daniel Castellano.

[Gasps]

With words.

But still painful as though
it was a blow to the head.

He told me
that I was gonna die alone

because I'm too picky.

You are a little picky.

No, I am not picky.
I just have standards.

You wouldn't date my son
just because he's my son.

Yes, exactly.
Thank you, Beverly.

You looking for a guy?
'Cause I got one for you.

Oh. Perfect.

My frat bro, "hit n' Ron."

Nope. No way.

Oh, you think his nickname
is that because he did it.

No, no, no,
it happened to him.

Okay.
Um, is he cute?

No.
Good personality?

He's kind of a dick.

Is he rich?
Negative.

Why would you think
that I would like this person?

You're a five,
he's a five.

What?

Everyone knows
that I'm an 8, 8 1/2.

Two fives make a ten.

[Scoffs]
Picky.

Stupid.

Graham! It's you!

Yo, yo!

Oh, God!
Oh!

Sorry.
Dude!

I'm good.

Oh, it's bear claw!
Yeah!

How did you find me?

I went to all the loser-iest
places I could find...

Every tattoo parlor,
every comic book store,

every marijuana dispensary...

All to find you.

Anyway, I wanted to know
if the offer still stands

to take me out.

That ship has sailed.

Okay.
I'm just kidding.

I literally
have nothing to do.

What are you
in the mood for?

Anything! Because
I am not picky, my friend.

Ah.
Yeah.

Okay.

I do not like Italian,
Chinese, or Indian food,

ironically enough.

Doesn't sit with my stomach
'cause I have colitis, so.

[Phone chimes]

[Phone chimes]

[Phone chimes]

Is Mindy home?
[Screaming]

Murderer!
Ah! Hey!

No! It's me.
Graham.

What the hell?

Well, you said 8:00.

Oh, let me guess.

The boring stockbrokers
you usually date

come in through the door.

Yeah, they also
don't get shot.

Lucky for you,
I lost my handgun.

I see a fire escape,
I climb it.

If I see something I want,
I take it.

And if I see a comfy sofa,
oh, I like to flop on it.

Ahh!

Oh, my God.

What happened to your elbow?

Oh, I "shralped" it.

What does that mean?

I got this one, uh, 1990.

My first international
skating tour.

I got super loaded
and fell off the Louvre.

And this?

Broken collarbone.
X-games '02.

Wow! You competed injured,
like Kerri Strug?

No, I got super loaded
and fell off the podium

at the medal ceremony.

Of course.

But I learned something
that day.

Drinking was holding me back
from following my bliss.

So I got clean,
except on weekends.

Started my skateboard company,
pregnant mermaid.

Designed the logo myself.

Her boobs are great.

Any idiot can draw boobs.
Check out the hand.

I'm proudest of the hand.

Mm.
You have any scars?

Mm, only on my heart.

Oh! No, I actually
have a scar.

This is from
Filene's basement, 2002.

I was rushing
to try on a shirt.

Still had its pins
in it.

I almost died that day.

Whoa.

Whoa.

(Waiter)
Two beers.

Thank you.
And one Jill's naughty lemonade

with agave instead
of simple syrup

and skinny bitch vodka.

Thank you.
Okay, thank you.

[Laughs]
Good God, man!

Well, I'm sorry, dad,
but a beer would cost me

all my splurge points
for the week.

Look, if you wanna
lose some L.B.S,

you gotta come lift
with me and my rugby team.

You were on
your college rugby team?

There is a man.

Oh, I should say it was really
more of a drinking team

with a rugby problem.

What!
[Laughs]

And I was the Captain.

So long, splurge points.

(Graham) Can I get chicken
and frijoles?

That was Spanish.
Was it?

Yeah, I got you what I got,
which is a garbage burrito.

Okay.
Oh!

Hold up, check this out.

Excuse me.
Oh.

Did anyone order
the super hot Indian girl

with the extra curves?

Graham!
You're gonna get in trouble.

Besides,
I'm not even that hot.

And number 69,
your order is up.

[Laughter]

No, that's... that's a good...
That's a good joke.

I'm so impressed
you're a doctor.

I probably would've
just cleaned my elbow

with ginger ale
and taped a sock on it.

Poor man's health insurance,
right?

Do you not have
health insurance?

I can't skate
the way I need to skate

thinking I'm gonna
get hurt, you know?

I don't know.
You should explain that.

If you smile into a mirror,
what do you see?

My crow's feet,
this one fang I have

that I need
to get shaved down.

It's the worst.

I believe the universe
is a mirror,

and it reflects
what you put out there.

I like that.

So if I get health insurance,
I'm gonna get hurt.

Nope, it got dumb again.

Different philosophies,
both valid.

They're not both valid.

Whoops-a-Daisy.

I put a thumb-hole
through my milkshake.

It's all leaking out.
Can I have some of yours?

[Mixed chatter]

Hey, that was such an
interesting exchange of ideas.

You know what we should do?

We should get high.

You know what, Graham?

I think that's gonna
have to be good night.

My body is very attracted
to your body,

but when you speak,
my brain gets angry.

Okay, but you're
still coming over, right?

Get our bronze medal
at the winter sex-games.

What are you talking about!

What about this evening
would make you think

that I would do that?

And why would we only
get a bronze...

Oh.
My phone!

That has, like,
eight years of photos in it.

All my selfies!

Oh.
Hyah!

(Mindy)
Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

I'm okay.

Graham, get out of there!

Ahh.

Oh, God, get out!
Get out! Graham!

Oh.
I think this is your train.

Graham! Graham!
Get out of there!

Graham, I cannot believe
you risked your life

just to save my cell phone.

That is the bravest thing
that I've ever seen.

Hi, Peter.

Did you have a good time
with my father last night?

Bro,
what happened to you?

I don't wanna say that we
are the new unofficial mayors

of the Oneida Indian moon
resort and casino,

because then I'd be
repeating what it says

on my t-shirt!

[Laughing]

These things are free.

They give them to you
when you lose over $5,000.

Sounds fun.

How were you not there?

Well, when my dad stumbled in
at 5:00 A.M.,

he told me that my invite
got lost in my panty drawer!

Yo, everybody!
How's it going?

Oh, God.

(Morgan)
Oh, jeez!

What happened?

Luckily, I have
all these pads.

What's up with the helmet,
Brett Favre?

Uh, I'll have you know

I am dating
a professional skateboarder.

So the only thing picky about me
are my scabs.

All right, so you're dating
this loser to prove a point?

Or maybe I like him
and you should get to know him.

Actually, yeah.
We should all go out for dinner.

You could invite
that boring girl.

Unless... did you not call her
'cause she's so boring

and you're the picky one?

I don't... just...
It's our schedules

and, you know,
phone tag.

I don't have the bells
and whistles phone plan

with night minutes,
I don't have it.

Why don't you call her
from here?

We'll all go out to dinner.
Fantastic.

Tell your guy to wear
his fanciest dress shorts.

Okay. Tell Mary
to bring aersolity.

I will.
I won't!

Great, now you got me
too worked up to eat my muffin.

You know, Graham skateboarded
in over 25 different countries,

including north Korea,

but we're not supposed
talk about it.

Well, it's fun
to be a tourist,

but Mary actually
lived in Japan.

When I was two.

Or three.

Two?
Let me text my mom.

That's okay, Mary.
We're good.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I text her
every 90 minutes anyways.

Wow, your mother must be
really interesting.

Oh, boy.
She collects cow stuff.

[Clears throat]
Graham, so pregnant mermaid.

That's a quirky name.
How'd you come up with that?

I believe that it has to do
with the fertility of new ideas.

I saw one.

You saw a mermaid?

No, I saw a pregnant mermaid.

In a dream?
In Bali.

She was just sunning herself
on a rock.

God, why do they
put this soy sauce

in two different containers?

One of 'em's low sodium.

So Graham, you were telling us
you saw a mermaid?

At first, I thought
I was hallucinating,

because I was dehydrated
from semen depletion.

But then she turned to me
and said,

"pergilah dalam damai."

That means "go in peace"
in Balinese.

Here's the crazy part.

I don't speak Balinese.

Goosebumps much?
[Laughing]

Glad I asked.

There's a chance some personal
photographs might pop up.

Don't allow them to.
But... I'm gonna try.

Hey, buddy.

Just wanna make sure
we're all good.

All right, you guys ready to rock?
Yeah.

Um, yes.
Okay.

Hello, everybody.

My name
is Dr. Jeremy Reed.

And I guth makes me...

Dr. Peter Prentice.
How about that?

[Light laughter]

Adding jokes, are we?

I didn't realize
it was a comedy routine.

Just bantering.

Let's begin with the five
preliminary signs of labor.

Okay, Braxton Hicks.

Now what is that?

No, Toni Braxton did not
marry Taylor Hicks.

[Laughter]

Soul patrol!

Remember that guy?

(Jeremy)
You guys like that, do you?

You prefer this lout to me?

Maybe you should get in line
behind my father!

[All gasp]

Whoa, whoa.

I think we have
a technical glitch right here.

I think we got
a technical glitch right there.

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on?
I don't know. I don't know.

Get it together.
Get it together right now.

Because these people
paid for a fun baby show.

Uh, we fixed it.
Fixed the glitch.

It's the doll.

Okay, Braxton Hicks.

Now those are specific
uteri contractions.

I'm so sorry.
I've got a quick question.

Any dads having sons?

Well, hello, dads.

Look forward to a lifetime
of disappointment

because your little Jeremies
can't ride a bicycle

no matter how drunk
and sadistic you get.

All right.

All right.
Because your little son is saying,

"I don't wanna go down that hill."
We're gonna go.

Morgan?
"Maybe I won't come back up the hill."

And maybe he won't!
Whoa.

Ah, my name is nurse Morgan.

I'm here to name your babies.

Grover.

John.

Grover.

So Graham,
selling skateboards.

Mm.

Do you plan to branch
into pogo sticks?

I don't know.

You specialize in vaginas.

You hoping to branch
into boobs?

[Laughing]

I check boobs
every damn day,

so the joke's on you.

[Laughing]
I like you, man.

You're like my parents.

They're very happy in
a gated retirement community.

I get it.

Some lions like a cage.

A cage?

Uh, more like a cool condo
with a 15-year fixed.

Yeah, Graham's not really
like a "mortgage" kind of guy.

He's just too wild
and unpredictable.

It's sexy,
you're like a cowboy.

You know
what we should do?

We should dine and dash.

That would be hilarious,
Graham,

violating a social contract.

Mindy, you love
that kinda stuff, right?

I do, actually.
I'm quite wild.

For instance, Mary,

I use a multivitamin that
is not approved by the FDA.

You know, Sushi restaurants
are raping our oceans.

Is that how your mermaid
got pregnant?

No, it was consensual sex
with a sea Captain.

Oh, my mom
just texted me back.

I was wrong.

I was four
when I lived in Japan,

and from two to three,
we were in Arizona,

three to four, Minnesota,
and then, I think...

[Clears throat]

Mindy, can I talk to you
for a second?

Just really quick.

It's just work related.
Sure. Love to.

Bye, Graham.

You'll be right back.

Would you cut it out?
You're acting like a brat.

I am?
Yes.

You haven't let off Graham
since the edamame arrived.

They're called soy beans.

They're from Iowa, okay?

How far are you
gonna let this go

before you admit
that guy's a loser?

When I like someone,
he's a loser,

and if I don't like someone,
I'm too picky.

What do you want me
to do, Danny?

I don't know.
Web dating.

Okay, don't give me advice
on who to date.

Back off, grandpa.

That's not an insult, okay?

Grandfathers are the backbone
of this country.

I can't get into this
grandfathers thing with you.

It's on, dogs.

We're dining and dashing.

No, no. No.

Oh, God.
Okay.

Okay.
What do you wanna do?

You gonna pay the bill,

or you gonna run off
with your soul mate?

Okay, we're going.
We're going!

We're going!
Come on, come on, come on!

(Graham)
Oh! Over the fence!

Here we go!
Yeah!

[Fence rattling]

Ah. Come on!
Over the fence!

[Mary laughing]

This is the craziest thing
I've ever done!

Oh, I gotta text my mom.

Go, Danny!
Go do it!

[Exhales]

Yah!

I got it!

No, you don't have it. Help him.
I got it.

Do it like Graham did it.

Do you? You do.
I got it.

Yeah, you do!
Oh, God!

There we go.

Okay, if Danny can do it,
I can do it too.

Ow! Ow!
You okay?

Come on, Mindy.
I think I have tetanus.

Move your ass!

Excuse me?

No, no, no!
Come on, come on, come on!

Slide through the crack.

Okay, that's a great idea.
Okay.

I can do this.
You got it.

Okay, good, good, good,
good, good.

(Danny) It's a good thing
your boobs are small.

I have huge cans.
Everybody knows that.

Come on, come on, come on.

All right.
Okay! Okay!

Come on.
You can do it.

Right there.

Okay, Graham,
I can't do this.

Sure you can!

Just suck in your butt!

Yeah, my body can't do that.

Come here.

Look, you are beautiful
and charismatic,

but I'm a woman of science
and you are man of non-sci...

Nonsense, actually.

So this isn't
gonna work out.

Although, I would've loved
to have had sex with you

but once.

Yeah.

I kinda thought this
was gonna end in a four-way.

Ugh.

Three-way?

What?

Two-way?

One-way it is.

Good-bye, Mindy.

Pergilah dalam damai.

Oh, bother.

My favorite commercial
right now

is the one where it's a baby

but he talks
in a man's voice.

It's really funny,

and it really makes me laugh.

Mm.

[Snorts]

Did you just fall asleep?

No! I'm not sl...
I'm awake.

It's a big night,
lot of sake and...

My sweater's a little...
It's heavy for this weather.

You know what?
Tonight was really fun,

but after meeting Graham,
I just realized

that I need someone
with more personality.

Bye.
[Scoffs]

[Exhales]

Hey, Chappelle!
What's with the meltdown?

I'm an embarrassment
to my father,

to my family, to the entire
Reed riding crop empire.

You? An embarrassment?
I "B" to "D."

What?
I beg to diff.

Speak in English.
Speak in full words.

You came
to a whole new country,

became the head doctor
of an awesome practice,

you learned to drive on
the opposite side of the road,

and you took a chance on
a rude dude with a bad 'tude

when no one would.

Huh? I wouldn't be here
if not for you.

So in my book,
you are always baller status.

You know what?

I am baller status.

I gotta tell you,
if there's anyone

that's an embarrassment
to your family, it's your dad.

I mean, at the casino
last night,

he was scamming
on some pretty rough

Monday night prostitutes.

Dad does like his prosies.

Now bring it in!

Hey!
What are you doing here?

I came back to pay.

Really?

Mary didn't run out
of Internet videos

to partially remember?

I fell asleep
while she was talking.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

And I didn't even wake up
when she started kissing me.

What?
Look.

How often is that
happening to you

that you give up
those oppor... okay.

Can we just admit
that we were both dumb?

That we were both dating someone
to prove a point?

Okay, it began as me
trying to prove a point.

Okay.

But it evolved
into a very deep need

for me to have sex
with him.

Okay, that's enough.
And I hope that need goes away.

I don't get the tattoo thing.

He looked like the wall
of a bar bathroom.

I thought
it was super hot.

In fact, I was thinking
of getting a tattoo on my wrist

that says "breathe."
Breathe?

Is that something
you forget to do?

Why don't you put "walk"
on your feet?

You should think about getting
"idiot" on your forehead.

Okay.

You know what?
If you're gonna dis me,

don't eat all of my dessert!