The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - Bro Club for Dudes - full transcript

Hey, Danny, your sandwich has been
in the fridge for, like, a month.

- I'm taking it home for dinner.
- Down, get down. Shh.

Wait, what? Wait,
what's happening?

- Should I get my taser?
- Osama.

- Great, Mindy, you got me killed.
- Okay, can I just say...

It is so unfair
that it's cool for you

to do all this dumb stuff, but
I just wanted all the doctors

to sing one birthday video
for Meredith Vieira,

and suddenly
"it's a workplace."

It's after hours.
There's different rules.

Aah!



- Where's Peter? Where's Peter?
- I'm right here.

- Put the gun down, or she gets it.
- Aah! Aah!

- You're not gonna do it.
- I will kill this old lady.

- Excuse me?
- She's pushing 55,

and that's
a terrible day to die.

- No, that's not... I'm not. I'm young.
- Drop the gun.

- I don't know what he's...
- Hey.

Where are you jumping off to,
you little piece of bacon?

I ain't ready to take you
out of the pan.

- Ah, smells nice.
- All right...

Be sad if she died smellin'
so purty, wouldn't it?

- He knows this is a game, right?
- Everybody, shut up.

I pledge allegiance
to the flag... say it...

Of the United States
of Obama’s America.



What character is this?

I need to think.
Everybody be quiet.

Put the gun down.

Let him kill himself,
so I can go home and watch TV.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, okay.

- That seems unfair.
- Okay, well, this was a dumb...

Hugely dumb
waste of time, Peter.

Ow! My boob!

Ow! You shot
both my boobs.

Well, once I shot the big one,
I had to get the small one too.

How dare you?
They're both huge.

I don't know why you're freaking out.
It's wings and stings.

- Wings.
- And stings!

- Ow!
- Whoa!

I hate this.
I hate working here!

- You were hiding there the whole time?
- For an hour.

That was a good
spot, that was a good spot.

Season 2, Episode 6
"Bro Club For Dudes"

Well, I gathered you all here
because I have an idea

that I believe will
revolutionize this workplace.

We're not getting a fro-yo machine.
You'll never change the filter.

- We'll all get legionnaires' disease.
- It's not that, Danny.

We have this beautiful outdoor
space that we don't use at all,

except Danny comes out here
to smoke, in secret.

- Okay...
- So I would like to give you...

Mindy Lahiri presents:
The Shulman and Associates

gazebo garden
and serenity space.

- Ah, it's beautiful.
- Thank you.

- I don't get why we want a giant spider.
- Get of here, you son of a bitch.

- Cool...
- An idea that no one likes.

You know what we should do?
Put a grill out here.

That way, we could cook up some
steaks and some ribs for the patients

while they wait
for their paps.

I like his idea better, I do.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no,
we're not brainstorming.

I'm not taking suggestions.
This already went down, sorry.

I really like Peter's idea.

I mean, you know, why do we we need
a gazebo, right? It's useless.

Danny, for one, you can come
here and wait out a rainstorm

with your one true love
or, like,

go dancing in the moonlight, or you
can smoke, you nicotine addict.

Oh, you know what else
we should do?

We should cover
this flower bed with cement

and asphalt and put up
a basketball hoop.

Ohh! Okay, right there.
That's genius, right there.

- And nobody gets legionnaires' disease.
- We're getting a gazebo, damn it.

And maybe a maypole
in the spring for dancing.

Morgan, please clear this trash,
so I can storm out.

Get out of the way!

You're doing nothing,
you're doing nothing.

No, no, it...

Aah!

Can you tell the difference?

- Let me see if I can take...
- Aah, aah! Tap out, tap out!

Oh, oh, ooh.

What the hell,
you guys?

I gotta say, dude, that was a lot longer
than I thought you were gonna last.

That was amazing.

- What was that?
- Ultimate fighting.

It's like boxing, plus wrestling,
plus strangling.

Well, tell it
to my granola bar,

which fell on the ground
and is now covered in dirt.

- You're still gonna eat that.
- Yeah, maybe I will.

This guy's actually fighting
in an amateur night.

- It's pretty badass.
- I don't care.

Why can I not eat my snack, or do you
wanna ruin it, like my gazebo plan?

There's no place safe
for a young hot woman

to just walk around,
watching her internet videos.

Is there a young
hot woman around?

Whoa, those are fighting words.
Fight him.

Fight him right now.
Fight him right now.

- Come on, let's fight. Let's wrestle.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Man.

Poor Dr. L... All she was trying to do
was make a gazebo

where a girl could have tea
with her imaginary... real friends.

Yeah, guys are the worst.

Did you know today is me and
Ray Ron's 20-year anniversary?

Do you think he remembered?

Ah, god, Ray Ron
is a real scrub.

- Can I say that word?
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- He is a scrub.

Would it have killed him to take me
to a restaurant tonight

- ...and buy me a new car?
- No.

We had a car, but Ray Ron can't
remember where he parked it.

Sometimes I wonder
why I'm with him.

You know, since you're free,
maybe we could kinda stay late

and clean up the courtyard,
surprise dr. L?

Morgan,
that is a great idea.

I think it's a two-person job, and
we might be here kind of late.

What do you say, Tamra,
should we do it?

It's not like I'm going
on a romantic dinner or anything.

Yes!

I'm just excited 'cause
I think Dr. L is amazing.

She's okay.

Hey.

- How come Peter doesn't like me?
- What are you talking about?

He's always undermining me
and being a jerk.

Be honest. Is it because
I walk too loudly?

My feet have
very hard soles.

He likes you.
He's just stressed out.

Stressed out about what?

People finding out he's friends
with Joran van der Sloot...

- I think.
- Okay, take it easy.

He broke up
with his girlfriend.

- Becca?
- Yeah.

They broke up, like,
a year ago.

Oh, I follow all of your exes
on Facebook.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Why do you have to get along
with everyone you work with?

We didn't get along when
we first started working together.

Yeah, and I hated that.
Isn't it so much better now?

Look, Peter just
doesn't know you.

When I first met you,
I thought you were annoying.

And then I got
to know you better,

and I still didn't like you, and
now I think you're a nice lady.

We're friends. Maybe you
should take him to lunch.

- Do you think that'll help?
- Sure.

With your mouth full,
you can't talk that much.

- Okay.
- What? Stop. Get...

I heard you. I give you
an opportunity to take it back.

- Stop, stop. Just have fun.
- Thank you for the advice.

Have fun.

Hmm. Why are we here?

Since you started working here,
I feel like we haven't

had a chance to really
get to know each other.

And you thought the best way
to get to know me

was to take me
to the USA Girl Cafe?

Actually, I have
kind of a cool story.

When I first got my period
at age 14,

my mom drove us down from Concord,
Massachusetts, to come here.

Also, best chicken tenders
in town.

- I'm gonna get out of here.
- No. No, no, no, wait.

- What is your problem with me?
- I don't have a problem with you.

I just don't wanna hang out
with you if I don't have to.

But why don't you
wanna hang out with me?

- You're a little self-involved.
- What?

If you really wanted
to get to know me at all,

why wouldn't you have taken me to
a place that we both could've enjoyed?

I can't even hold the teacu...

The holes on the teacups
don't fit my fat fingers.

I'm sorry.
This was a miscalculation.

But you know what you're gonna love?
The place that I take you next...

Tiara's Champagne Palace.

It is the death place
of Liberace’s plastic surgeon.

You see,
this is the thing.

You only wanna do things
that you wanna do.

And all the other guys
in the office

would go along with it,
because they didn't

have a guy like me to make
cool arrangements for them.

Now they do, and it's clearly
driving you crazy.

So I'm sorry about that.

Wait, wait, wait.
I can do cool bro things too.

- No, see ya.
- I'm not as girly as you think.

Hey, great idea, Danny.

I took Peter to my favorite lunch place,
and it was a disaster.

Oh, no. Did you take him to the doll
place where you tell the period story?

Yeah, and he hated it.
Can you believe that?

No.

So I would like to begin the formal
paperwork for his termination.

Look, you need to take an interest
in something that Peter cares about.

For the last time,
I will not listen to Phish.

Songs should be three minutes long,
and Nicki Minaj raps in the middle.

Look, tonight we're going
to this ultimate fighting thing.

- You should come.
- Ultimate fighting?

- Yes.
- I'm sorry. I'd rather do the mouse

that's trapped in my microwave
than go to that.

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

You gotta make an effort.
Peter will appreciate it.

I'm supposed to have dinner
with Jason tonight.

- Just stop by.
- Okay, I'll go.

Good, go.

I got you
a friendship cake.

Thank you.

One, two, three.

Yes!

Whoo!

Man, Dr. L was right.

It's, uh, pretty romantic
up here.

Yeah, dr. L's
gonna freak out.

Hey, I could not have done this
without you, by the way.

I could've. It would've probably been
a little quicker, but I had fun, so...

This was better than any anniversary
Ray Ron's ever planned.

Last year, I just watched him
work his shift at the airport.

Do you wanna go with me right now
and get Chinese food?

'Cause I know this restaurant,
they have such huge portions that

people walk out of the restaurant,
they just give you their leftovers.

- They can't finish 'em.
- So they think you're homeless?

No, you get the l...
Oh.

Yeah. I'm still
with Ray Ron.

- Maybe another time.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We'll do it some other time.
- All right, see you.

I'll see you at the office,
later on.

Hey, where are you? I am already
on my third bowl of edamame.

I am going to be
30 minutes late...

45, an hour tops.

Okay, that's something
you tell me early in the day,

not when you're already
15 minutes late.

The sushi chef and I are really
running out of things to talk about.

- Well, what about Breaking Bad?
- I led with Breaking Bad.

I said Walter White was an antihero,
and he rolled his eyes.

Okay, I'm so sorry.
But you know what?

Why don't you
come over tonight,

and I promise I will do that thing
that I told you I wouldn't do.

I was gonna do it anyway.

Really...?

That's interesting.

Oh, and if you're at that place,
you should get the Philadelphia roll.

Danny says it's amazing.
It's his favorite.

Uh, duly noted.

Oh, I have to hang up.
Danny's texting me.

♪ It's about to kick off
This party looks wack

♪ Let's take it back to straight hip-hop
And start it from scratch

♪ I'm 'bout to bloody this track up,
Everybody get back

All right, all right.

- Take him down, take him down!
- Oh!

Hey, guys,
sorry I was late.

I was distracted, talking to a man
who actually had a pierced eyeball.

- Ooh.
- What's going on?

Why are you here?

We are here to support Peter.
He's been training in MMA.

Tonight is his first bout.

Wait. I'm sorry.
You're going in there?

No, no, no, no.
That's not safe.

No way, man.
He's gonna ground and pound.

Peter, why would you
do this?

I guess it goes back to elementary
school and all the bullying.

Oh, I see. You were bullied,
and martial arts

is the way that
you stood up for yourself.

- That makes sense.
- What? No. I was the bully.

What I was saying was maybe
if those kids were more into MMA,

I would've thought they were cool
and left them alone.

You know, it looks
kind of homoerotic to me.

What? There's nothing homoerotic
about grappling with another man,

pinning him to the ground, and
making him succumb to your will.

No, I'm not dissing it.
I like it.

- That's right, tear him apart!
- Yeah!

You have great chemistry!

- What are you doing?
- What? No, don't do that.

You're gonna
get us killed.

This ring chick is so hot.

Oh, my God.

We can't fire Beverly
and hire this girl, right?

Hey, guys, I'm sorry,
they only had beer.

I asked for mojitos, they didn't have
the muddling equipment.

What a shock. They didn't have muddling
equipment at an amateur MMA fight?

- That's a woman.
- Very hot.

Oh, my God.
I know her.

Marie, hi!

- Dr. Lahiri?
- How's it going?

So good to see you.

This is good.
Mindy's our in.

How are your episiotomy stitches
healing?

Why would you start
a conversation that way?

Oh, my God.
My oldest just gave birth too.

I'm a grandmother.
Can you believe it?

Granny in the house.
Congratulations.

Do you know
where the bathroom is?

Oh, hold on. No, no, no.
I got you, I got you.

You gotta lift
with your back.

Ready?
One...

Oh, my God.

What, do you have
bricks in here?

Oh, my God, dude.
Sorry, sorry.

Sir, sir, sir.

Morgan Tookers.

I'm such a big fan
of yours.

I used to watch Deal or No Deal,
and I would play along at home.

- I love your stand-up comedy.
- I'm Dana White from the UFC.

- You're not Howie Mandel?
- No.

Dana White!
Even bigger fan.

I send you videos of myself, of me
doing some MMA in my backyard.

The glory in the quarry.

I have no idea what that is,
and I don't know who you are.

I know what you're doing.
You're trying to play it cool,

so you can, like, negotiate
a cheaper contract for me.

That's not gonna work,
because I do it for free.

- All right. We'll be in touch.
- Are you serious? Are you...

Thank you, Mr. White!

We'll figure out
my fighter name later.

Excuse me. I got a message
for Morgan Tookers.

It's in regards to straight-up
killing him.

May I ask who's calling?

I'm Tamra's clowned-on
boyfriend Ray Ron. Oh, yeah.

All right,
see you later, champ.

- Don't you dare touch me!
- Whoa!

- This is a Jabroni-free zone.
- Okay, watch your mouth.

- My father was a Jabroni.
- That's crazy, 'cause...

Get me angry,
pump me up.

You're a big fatty,
and everybody hates you.

Okay, it seems like you're projecting,
but that's good.

Hey, you know what?
You're a worthless piece of trash.

Okay, that's good,
Mindy, that's good.

Okay, I banged your mom
last night.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

- I banged your dad last night.
- Okay, okay.

- Okay, I got a great one.
- Yeah?

According to Facebook, your
ex-girlfriend Becca just got engaged!

Is that real?

Yeah, 'cause you're such a loser,
and she moved on.

So get angry.

Is that... is that true?
Can I see that?

- Yeah.
- That's...

Uh, I mean, I banged your parents
last night, so good.

Oh, they loved it.

She got engaged to a male
kindergarten teacher. From...

Forget it.
Don't read it.

When he asked her to marry him,
the class did it, and they...

- They're holding the "R" s backwards.
- Sorry, man.

That guy looks like a loser
with his boat.

- And he's, like, 6'4".
- You're bad at this.

That's great, Mindy.
I'm really glad you made it.

Not.

In the blue trunks,
Peter "the Punisher" Prentice.

Becca...

Becca, why?

Okay, that's okay.
You know what?

This is an amateur fight,
so I think he'll be fine.

And in the black trunks,
Doug "the Genocide" Lewis.

Yeah, no, he's terrifying.

Hello, 911, I'd like to report a death
that hasn't happened yet.

No, I didn't do it,
but I am responsible.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

- Oh, Pete.
- Oh, God, Peter.

I made a mistake,
doing this.

No, Peter, Peter, Peter!

- Oh!
- God. What is happening?

Peter is just standing there
and taking it,

like he's the wife
in a country music movie.

How could you work
with Peter all these months

and not know that mentioning
Becca would destroy him?

- It's textbook Lahiri.
- Okay.

Let's focus on our friend.

Okay, you know what, we have
got to get him out of there.

- Pete, just play dead!
- I cannot watch. Oh...

- Oh, no, Pete. No, Pete.
- Get beaten up less.

- Nobody scams on my girlfriend!
- I don't wanna fight, dude.

I just came to give you this.

- What?
- Ohh!

Peter, Peter.
Oh, no.

Marie, Marie, Marie.

Please, I need
to get in the ring.

I'm sorry, the only people
allowed in the ring

are people willing to die
or flash their boobs.

If you do me this favor,
the next time you give birth,

I promise you I will get you
the celebrity suite.

I don't care if I have
to kick out Ice-T and Coco.

I'm only now realizing that
both of their names are drinks.

Aa!

Oh, God.
What do you say?

- It's time for round two!
- Take your top off!

Excuse me, sir,
I'm just here

to convey numerical information
about which round it is.

Oh, God, Mindy.

- Hey, look at me!
- What are you doing?

All right, get down.
You're gonna get hurt.

I think people like it.
No, they're not responding to it.

They hate it.
They hate it, okay.

That is 50% of the surgeons
in our practice.

Hey, hey, hey,
listen to me.

- You need to quit.
- I can't quit. I'll look like a wuss.

That is better
than being dead or paralyzed.

No, it's not.

Not for a dude it's not.

I mean, it is, it's way better,
but not for a dude.

Hey, hey, Peter. That guy looks
like he guards the gates to hell.

- He's going to kill you.
- He should.

He should put me
out of my misery.

Hey, hey, hey,
this is dumb.

Hey, hey, look alive,
look alive.

Why is everyone hitting me
in the face today?

Because you need
to get smacked, son.

You either need to get
out of this ring and quit,

or you need
to really buckle down.

Buckle down?
What, am I doing homework?

If you're gonna do this,
you need to picture

that the other guy
is someone that you hate.

The only way that I get through
spin class is that I pretend

that I'm running over the body of
that Michael Jackson doctor...

The one that stole
Michael Jackson from us.

I hate that guy!

I hate you, Michael Jackson doctor,
for taking away Michael!

Just do that with him. Okay, Peter?
Peter, look at me.

Peter, I believe in you.
You can do this.

- Here's someone I hate.
- Yes!

- I hate Becca's fiancé.
- Great, that's perfect.

- He's a kindergarten teacher.
- Yes.

Who teaches kindergarten? And he does it
in the inner city, no less.

- That's nice.
- Let's go, beard-o!

Okay, good.

- Had enough?
- Yeah, I put my trash the trash.

- Don't... don't cry, please.
- Don't...

Come on, man. Come on,
get out of there.

Yeah. Oh, God.
Get out of there.

I-I just don't wanna
lose Tamra.

She's the best thing I got.
And I own a water bed, man.

Yeah, well, maybe you deserve
to lose her. What was yesterday?

- It was your anniversary.
- Oh, damn.

I thought it was last month,
and I was in the clear.

Yeah, well, it's not.

Okay, look.

I'm only doing this
because Tamra cares about you.

But when you have a girlfriend,
man, you gotta be all about her.

You gotta be
up in her grill 24/7.

You have to smother them
with love.

I mean, that's why
none of mine work out.

I don't know.

- Maybe that's bad advice.
- No, that's good advice.

- I need to do something big.
- Yeah...

Like, something that has the effect
of jewelry, but costs no money.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Thank you, Morgan.

Come on.

That happens again, though,
I'm gonna steal your girlfriend.

- I'm serious.
- What...?

That's good, Peter,
that's good.

Just keep away from him.

- Go, Pete!
- Come on, Peter!

Oh! Ugh.

- Ahh!
- Pete!

Yes, Peter!

Wow. It looks like your pep talk
did him some good.

This is why I think I should be one of
those highly paid motivational speakers.

Ah, hey, what'd I miss?

Aah!

Oh, God!

Okay...

You don't think the crowd
saw me crying, do you?

No, they definitely didn't.

Because most of the time, your face
was smushed into that guy's crotch.

- Oh, thank God...
- Yeah.

That girl really did
a number on you, huh?

Mostly I feel bad
for her new fiancé,

he's gonna have to deal with
all her issues, you know.

All those Supreme Court justices
calling the house all the time...

"Clerk for me, clerk for me..."

I know it's not
the brilliest of things, but...

If you ever wanna gossip your ex-es,
that's like my MMA.

- It's not a good sport technology.
- No...

- OK.
- But thank you.

I might take you up on that.

The most I get about relationships
from Danny is like...

"Nothing*, but it is what it is."

I'm sorry, I was wrong.

Don't worry about it.
You're gonna be OK.

And, to be honest, when you're not around
the other guys, you're not that bad.

Thanks. When I'm high on painkillers,
your voice isn't that shrill.

Oh, a'right. Thanks,
that's very nice of you, Peter.

You are pretty high right now,
aren't you?

Hey...

- Hi.
- What a nice surprise...

Oh my God, oh my God... I was supposed
to meet you back at my apartment.

- Look, Mindy, I think you're great.
- And I think you are great.

And that could just be the end
of the conversation,

you don't need
to continue in it.

No. Mindy, I think
you're great. But...

- I am so sorry I forgot about our plans.
- Twice.

It's just... I felt that it was important
that I go for work.

Haven't you ever had to do something
because of work?

Yeah! Sure. I just went to my boss's
kids middle school graduation.

But that doesn't mean I memorized
her favorite sushi order.

I'm sorry, Mindy.

I'm gonna...

Goodbye.

Hello. I'd like to speak
to your sexiest nurse.

Mogan!

Ray Ron, what do you want?

Tamra, I'm the dumbest guy on earth.

I mean, to think I spent
our entire anniversary

trying to find stuff in the garage,
then my work is drugs.

- Yeah, you're an idiot.
- Yeah, but I'm about to make it up.

'Cause I used a library computer
just to find out

that the right gift
for our twentieth anniversary

is China.

You used a computer for me?

And while I can't afford
the whole country...

- I got you this.
- Aw...

Imma call you Nuka,
'cause that's what I really wanted...

Girl... Imma take you
to a menu restaurant.

Morgan. Can you cover for me?

Yes! Yes, sure, I'll do anything...
For you, Tamra.

And this time you're tippin'
the waiter, Ray Ron...

Wait, wha...

- They are a great couple.
- You're a great couple!

Oh, thank you.

Gentlemen, open your eyes.

I would like to introduce to you
the Peter "the Punisher" Prentice

- ...Memorial Basketball Park.
- What happened to the gazebo?

There is a gazebo in my heart.

Mindy, this is...

- Unbelievable.
- So amazing...

- Take the first shot.
- Really?

- Yeah, of course!
- OK. Cool!

- Thank you, Peter.
- Thank you, this is awesome.

- Oh, oh, dude...
- Come on...

- What the hell?
- That's how bros play...

All right.

- Thank you.
- Good shot.

- Peter, dude...
- Come on, Peter!

- You gotta be kidding me.
- Misread the moment.

- So sorry.
- For me or the basketball park?

So sorry!