The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 5 - Wiener Night - full transcript

Oh, no.

Code red! Help! Help!
Emergency!

Yes?

My TV is broken.

And I cannot be alone
with my thoughts.

I'm coming back
from an enemy's wedding.

Ma'am, you're being
very disruptive.

You know, I am so tired
of people telling me that.

Fine. Whatever.

You know what,
maybe this is fate.

Maybe the person
sitting next to me



is supposed to be
the love of my life.

Maybe this is
a flight of destiny.

Oh, thank you.

Wait, why did you
just take my picture?

I'm required to any time
I hear certain words

like "code red"
or "flight of destiny."

Okay. I find that racial.

We remind you
that this is a non-smoking flight.

Smoking is prohibited
on the entire aircraft.

Oh, hey!
Sorry.

Uh, I gotta get in.
You wanna...

That's okay.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
No. Ah...

Oh!



Ooh. Oh, thank God, man.

I'm always so worried
they're gonna

stick me next to
someone skinny.

Then I gotta put up
with their

skinny stink eye
the whole flight.

Excuse me?
Yeah, just like that.

I'm sorry, sir,
I am a petite Asian woman.

So am I.

Look, all I'm saying
is you and me,

chubs like us, we gotta
stick together in the sky.

How dare you?

Uh, sorry, sir,
I think this is my seat.

Oh, come on, dude,
I just got my fan out.

- I...
- Okay, come on, move it.

Happy to switch with you.
'Scuse me, sorry.

After you, thin guy.

Hi.
Hi.

Welcome to row 17.

I'm happy to be here.

I was worried I was gonna
have to sit next to Kevin Smith.

Oh, come on, that's hurtful,
man, I can hear you.

Oh, g... uh, sorry.

Hey. I love chasing Amy.

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway. Hi.

Hi.

So we're gonna take off
soon, so you better

take your cell phone out and
call your wife or girlfriend

and tell them
you love them.

I usually go with, um,

"miss, would you like me
to switch seats

so that you can sit
next to your husband?"

Oh. I guess you hit on
your seatmates quite a bit.

Only when I like what
I'm sitting next to.

Cabin crew, please take your seats

for takeoff.

Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh...

How can you
not watch this?

I mean, the man has to eat
a seven-pound burrito.

I'm actually... I'm reading a book
about the epic struggle

to bring the telegraph
to Australia in 1872.

Ugh. Who's making you
read that?

No one.
It's for pleasure.

Oh, I get it.
You're one of those snobs.

You probably, like,
watch highbrow stuff

like celebrity rehab.

I am an arts and culture writer
for the New York independent.

I love that paper.
It's mostly sex ads and things.

Hey, it's also the preferred
Kitty litter lining

for discerning
cat ladies.

I'm not one of those.

In case you were trying
to figure that out.

Great, that was the last item
on my checklist,

so do you want to go out?
Yes.

Oh, thank God, okay.
I have to pee.

I've been holding it in
for two hours

in the hopes that you
would ask me out.

I think I gave myself a UTI.

This is great.
It was worth it. Bye.

Is that a joke?

Are you going in?
Mm-hmm.

- Please don't judge me.
- Oh, God.

so I'm running through battery
Park looking for batteries

which I don't find,
but I do find adventure...

No, Morgan.
This is fribbledy-froo.

I've told you repeatedly to keep
your anecdotes work-related.

Everyone, I met a hot guy on an airplane.
Nope.

Ooh.

We talking mile High club?

Please. You think I would be
in the mile High club?

That's disgusting.

Airplane bathrooms.
Ugh. Unhygienic.

Also I'm worried that my butt
would get sucked into the sink.

Oh, it will. Trick is to use
that suction to your advantage.

I'll show you all about it
on our next business trip.

No.
Ugh.

In all seriousness, now.

You know I was on
that Sullenberger flight

that went down in the Hudson.

It was an amazing day.

I'm just saying that plane

wasn't the only thing
to get goosed.

Oh, come on, Peter.

That flight was, like,
two minutes, dud

that's all I need.
Ow!

Oh, stop!

None of this
is appropriate.

So this guy is the arts
and culture editor for this

little anarchist newspaper
called the New York independent.

Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff,
but cool photo, right?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you're
not dating Jason Richmond.

No, it's not possible.

He's got incredibly
High standards.

The psychopath who called
Bon Jovi pedestrian?

He got us through Sandy.

You have nothing
in common with this guy.

If anything it should be
me hanging out with him.

I mean, can you imagine
the adventures we'd have?

Just Shakespeare in the Park.
In the round.

What the hell?

Whoa.
Okay.

Oh, yeah.

There's a coupon
for jeans in here. Gonna...

Gonna check that out.

That's my paper.

Christina,
it's your ex-husband Dan.

I see you're throwing
an art exhibit

with those private,
naked photos of me.

That's terrific.

I mean, if you're doing it
to get back at me

for the way things ended,
well, you're wasting your time

because I love it.

I love it.

So, Mindy, what did you think
of the movie?

I thought it was very real.

Okay.

I thought they looked like
people that would be

in line behind me
at the bank.

I was not sure why we paid
money to see it.

Okay, because for me
it was kind of refreshing

to see normal people
falling in love in a movie.

I have not yet tired of seeing
hot people fall in love.

So you want to see a movie
where, like, Rachel McAdams

is the ugly duckling who...
Who's always the bridesmaid

but can never
find Mr. right.

When does that movie come out?
That sounds amazing.

I have an email alert
for Rachel McAdams.

I actually can't believe
I don't know about this.

No, that's a fake movie
that I made out of cliches.

Mm-hmm.

Ah!

I don't know if it's prewar
or postwar, but I like it a lot.

It's beautiful.

Do you want
to come upstairs?

You just have to
let me go inside first

'cause I think I forgot
to flush the toilet.

Yeah, I'd, um...
I'd love to come up.

Yeah?
Yeah.

This is a pleasant
surprise.

That I'm such
a good kisser?

No, that you're
asking me to come up.

When it doesn't seem
like there's, you know,

much of a future here.

Wait, I'm sorry, what?

No, just that it...

I... that we... you know, we don't
have a lot in common culturally.

Eh...

I'm sorry, are you saying
that I'm not cultured?

I'm deeply cultured.
I've been to London.

I saw Mamma Mia
on the west end.

Before it transferred to
Broadway, where I saw it again.

Mindy, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.

Look, hey,
I like you a lot.

I didn't mean to put a damper
on the rest of tonight.

Tonight? Seriously?

I have never been
this insulted.

I mean, I have lots of times,
but I think you should go.

Mindy, can you forget
that I said that?

I, uh...

I'd be happy to listen to
one direction while we do it.

The documentary or their albu...
You know what? No.

Don't tell me.
You messed up.

Have a fun night tonight,
by yourself.

This city used to be
so much better

when anyone could get mugged
at anytime, you know?

What?

Doctors. We haven't met.
I'm Brendan Deslauriers.

Oh, you're the midwife.
Cool.

No. No, that's not
our attitude towards it.

I said cool.

I'm very excited
to see your show, Danny.

You know what, why don't you
bite me, Deslauriers?

That was not sarcastic.
Yeah, it was. It was.

No, it was not.
I know sarcasm when I hear it.

Okay, this guy's
just being nice.

He just wants to know about...
Excuse me, what show is that?

Hey, everyone!
Everybody! Hey!

I've got some news
I've been debating

whether or not
to share with you guys.

You ran from
the elevator.

Our Danny here
is the subject

of an art exhibit that features
him tastefully nude

and it's opening "toe-night."

Wait, I'm sorry,
"nude" as in naked?

Birthday suit junk.

All right, well,
I'll be there, buddy.

I would love to come too.

Nope. No. You're not going,
you're not going. You're...

No one's coming, okay?

Okay, what kind
of friend would I be

if you come
to my soccer matches

and I don't go
to your art show?

It's not my art show,

and I'm never going
to your soccer games.

You're going on Saturday
and you're bringing juice boxes.

Here's what
we're gonna do.

On the way
to the art exhibit

we're gonna stop
and pick up wieners to eat.

So then when we show up
to look at Danny's wiener

we've already eaten wieners.
It gon' be a wiener night.

No, it's not.

It's not gonna be
a weiner night.

Hey.

Can I have a plus-one
to your wiener night thing?

I'm thinking of inviting that
snobby guy Jason to come to it.

No, you're not doing that

and it's not called
"wiener night," okay?

If anything it should be
called "injustice night."

Well, I think that
"wiener night"

has really taken off
as a nickname.

Why are you
seeing that guy again?

Wasn't he really
insulting to you?

Yes, he was, Danny,
but it bothers me

that he thinks he's so much
better than me and he's not.

I just want to
prove it to him.

Oh, good, I'm glad this can
all be worked out

over photos of my genitals.

I'm sorry, were you forced
to take those photos

against your will?

Or did you take them as, like,
sexy time with your wife?

Okay.
Okay, that's what I thought, okay.

Jason Richmond.

So I know you think
I'm really lame

because I can't
quote Shakespeare

or the pledge of allegiance
but I'll have you know

that I am going to a very
artsy-fartsy thing tonight.

You don't know
the pledge of allegiance?

Nope, and get this,
the artist Christina Porter,

is the ex-wife of a work
acquaintance of mine.

Okay, doctor,
I am very impressed.

Are you inviting me?

Maybe if you
play your cards right

you'll find your
Pulitzer in bed.

I'm confused by the Tone
of this phone call.

Bye, love you.
What?

Okay, so you didn't know
that she took the photos?

I would have to answer yes.
I did know that.

But you didn't
sign a release.

What's a release?
The paper she had me sign?

Yes, I did sign it.

But I wasn't
paying attention

'cause the Kennedy center
was honoring cream that night.

Anyway, it doesn't give her
the right to show...

The whole world
my undercarriage.

Okay, well, I'm probably
just gonna have to

view the photographs
for myself

and really, you know,
suss the situation out,

which is too bad,
'cause I had plans tonight.

Oh, did you?
'Cause I had plans too.

To not have
all of Manhattan

staring down the barrel
of my urethra.

Oh, whoa, whoa.
That's too vivid. All right?

'Scuse me one sec, cliff.

Oh. Hey, ma,
what do you want?

Yeah, how'd you hear about it?
Are you ki...

No, you're not...
You're not coming.

No, I know you've seen it
but it's changed.

I was a baby.
It's changed.

Ma. Ma. Ma!

Come on, come on, you're fine.
You're being very dramatic.

I'm dramatic?
Yes.

You tried to shut down
the m&m store

because you thought the
brown lady m&m stole your look.

She is stealing my look.

You know what?
I'm not doing this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
You're doing this.

The best thing
you can do right now

is to go there,
look Christina in the eye,

and show her that this
does not bother you.

Yeah?
Yeah, and it shouldn't bother you.

We're doctors.
We can handle nudity.

Oh, my God, is horrible,
we shouldn't have come.

Okay, stop.
You said we're adults.

We can handle this.

I can see every hair follicle.
Oh, man.

This isn't good.
It's a nightmare.

I know I have one,
but it's still funny.

Wow. This is what
makes you laugh.

Look, I don't know
what to tell you, man.

There's nothing
funnier than penises.

I can't even get through saying
my name without laughing.

Ask me my name.
What's your name?

Pet...

Stop it. Dude, stop it.
Ask me my name.

What's your name?
P...

Come on.

Why must everything
be settled by tussling?

Oh, my God, Tamra,
you look like Christie Brinkley.

I know, Morgan. God.

These photos
are scandalous.

Ray Ron took a picture
of me in a bikini once.

I was so mad.

But then he sent it
to this modeling agency.

And now I'm on
shampoo bottles in Japan.

Holy Christmas.

I don't know.

Personally, I want a guy so rich
he can just let himself go.

But not so fat where he
has to get cut out the house.

Dr. C is a masterpiece.

Again, though, I just
want me a rich fatty.

You know, like those cats
with the cigars.

His skin is so taut
I just want to know it.

Guys, I'm so sorry
you have to see this.

Oh...

You okay?

You look good
for an old-ass man.

I'm in my 30s!

Late 30s.

So, cliff,
are you enjoying the nudes?

Uh, no.

Danny hired me
to get this shut down.

You are getting a lot
of business from us.

And yet none
of you pay me.

Nor do you seem to care
that I'm a divorce lawyer.

Hey, um, one thing.

Please don't get it
shut down

before I can show my date
how sophisticated I am.

Oh, you've got a date.
Okay.

That's why you're
dressed like this.

Usually you look
like a pinata.

Okay, I like
to wear colors.

And yes, I'm usually
full of candy. Sue me.

I had to give up
Daughtry tickets for this.

Daughtry?
Yeah.

I love Daughtry.

Well, you should've
gone with my girlfriend

who decided to go anyway.

That's a good sign,
right?

Hi. Wow.
Oh, hey. Hi.

Jason, this is cliff.

Hi.
Hi, cliff.

Cliff is an attorney.

Nice to meet you, Jason.

And that's my client over there,
getting hammered.

Uh, excuse me.

Hey, Danny.

I can't believe people
are buying this crap.

It's flummoxing. Okay, I'm flummoxed.
Yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry
to tell you,

but you really
don't have a case.

This is all covered
under the first amendment.

I'll make a note of it.
Yeah.

Hey, listen, you know,
you might have a case

if the public were able
to view these photographs.

You know, say,
from the street.

Why are you winking at me?

I just...

Think about what I said.
Yeah, yeah.

Full view of the street.

You can strip a man
of his clothing

but he's still got layers.
He can still hide.

Mindy, this is the longest

you've ever gone
without speaking.

What are your
feelings on it?

What aren't
my feelings on it?

The way that there's
a certain sadness to his...

Thigh meat.

The light, how it is
refracting off of, um...

The nads.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry
that sounded really dumb.

Oh, no.

I'm a smart person.
I didn't mean to say, "nads."

You... no, say whatever
you want.

It's art. You're supposed
to have fun with it.

Besides, I...

I think his nads
are a triumph.

Oh, uh, Jeremy.

I want to introduce you
to my friend Jason Richmond.

Oh, it's you!
Hi.

Oh.
I'm so sorry.

Here, I...

No, no, no,
I'm Dr. Jeremy Reed.

British.
We invented culture.

Ah.

Hello? 911?

This is Mrs. Emily Ferguson.

I was walking by the Woodsen
gallery with my five children

and our eyeballs were
assaulted by lewdness.

Keep walkin'!

Besides Gary Larson,
who's an artist you follow?

You know, I don't focus
on individual artists

so much as I do
works of art.

Okay, so what's a favorite?

The Japanese bridge
by monet.

Yeah.
What's so funny?

Oh, I thought you were kidding.
I'm sorry.

Nothing.

It's like if we were
talking about music

and you said that your favorite
singer was Katy Perry.

Katy Perry is
my favorite singer.

Are you...

Oh, you're serious.

Shh.

Welcome, everyone,
and thank you.

She's not even here?

I thought the whole point
was to throw this in my face.

Be quiet.
Your ex-wife is on the TV.

I'm a survivor.

A survivor who came
out of a very dark time

with a man focused
on extinguishing my light.

What?

Well, tonight I shine
the light on him.

Oh.
Oh.

He's a monster.

Oh, my God.

She's captured his soul.

We are angels
and we are devils.

We are reborn.

What?
Such depth.

She's brought the beauty out of evil.
Genius.

Okay, enough.

That's enough. This is dumb.

This is not art.

Everything on these walls...
I could've done that

with my phone.

Take a picture of my boobs.
I guess I'm an artist now too.

Okay, I'm gonna delete that.

I instagrammed it.

Damn it. Ah!
No, don't look.

Ah, got my new holiday card.

Yes, it would be
extremely challenging

to live with this man.

But he's a good guy,
and I'm a good guy.

And I'm a good guy.

And so am I.

No you're not.
You're both okay, fine, meh.

I'm not as artsy and well-read
as I wish I was.

But you know when
I was very well-read?

When I was studying
in medical school

to become a doctor.

Yeah.

Bet you didn't think with this
bod that I had a brain too.

And pretty good boobs.

"Nip city" is trending.

And when I'm not
delivering babies

sure, I like to watch
real housewives

or listen to Katy Perry.

Oh, come on.

Don't pretend you don't like
Katy Perry.

You're basing this on...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait,
why are you booing her?

Because she doesn't quench
your thirst for pornography?

I get it. Hold this.

You know what? I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of it.

You came here tonight for this.
This what you want?

'Cause I'll give it to you.
No, no, no, no.

Performance art! Yes!

No, I wanna take it out.
You are drunk.

You're acting terribly.
Stop it.

What took you guys so long?

So when the photos are displayed
against my will it's art,

but when I take out
the real thing

somehow I'm some
kind of pervert?

That is a good point.

No, it's not
a good point, Mindy.

Let me do the lawyer stuff.

Officers, nothing really
happened here tonight.

Right?
No one's pressing charges.

I don't know who this
Mrs. Ferguson is who dialed 911,

but I think we should
just chalk this up

to festering emotions
between former lovers.

I know how that is.

Yeah.

What the hell does that mean?
Don't start with me, Vicki.

Oh, I'm gonna start,
Terry.

Cliff, I want to thank you.
What do we owe you?

Well, let's see,
at my normal rate it would be

right around $7,000.

Nope.

But this was
an entertaining night,

so why don't we
call it pro bono

for underprivileged
Manhattan doctors?

Hey, thank you.
Yeah. You're welcome.

You looking for your guy friend?
Yeah.

I think he left.
That makes sense.

The public indecency
and the police showing up

is a lot for
a second date.

That's really more
third date stuff.

Hey, Danny, I bought this!

What part of you is it?

My buddy's holding
a picture of my butt.

You know what, why don't we
get you some more coffee?

Get you out of this room?
Come on.

All right, shorty.

What do you say me and you
grab a cup of coffee?

No, thank you.

Hey, Danny.

I didn't recognize you
with all your clothes on.

Okay, that's very
insensitive,

given my circumstances
right now.

Can I have a puff?
Thanks.

That's stupid. You shouldn't smoke.
Hey.

I'm a joke.

You're not a joke, Danny.

You have to be funny
to be a joke.

I should move.

Someplace where
there's no art.

Like Iran or Utah.

Okay, that's enough.

Everyone came here tonight
to see photos of your hot body.

And they called it art.

You know what people are
saying about my boobs online?

They're calling them
"handsome."

They did?

Don't.

You think my body's hot?

Ugh, you know that it is.

The guys at the gym...

You know, they make comments,
but they're flirts.

Great.

I gotta tell you I really
like that cliff guy.

He's cool.

I mean, he has a girlfriend,
but I couldn't help but wonder...

I mean I'd like him
to be my friend.

Okay, God, cool it.

Danny, right? From the photos?
Yeah.

Yeah, just keep moving.

He had a hard night.

I thought they
were terrific.

Okay go.

You obviously
want to go, just go.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Go. Just...
All right.

Dr. Daniel Castellano.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

What was your
favorite photo?

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Uh, I came to talk to you.

I'm actually busy
watching a video online

of a baby who's startled
by its own fart.

Mindy, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

You, um...

You invited me
to an art opening

because you thought that
that's what I would like.

And I was rude...
And a judgmental snob.

Like James Spader
in pretty in pink.

I'm sorry, did you just
make a pop culture reference?

You ain't seen
nothing yet.

♪ You think I'm pretty
without any makeup on ♪

♪ You think I'm funny

♪ When I tell
the punch line wrong ♪

♪ I know you get me
so I let my walls come down ♪

♪ Down

Ugh. That is so cliche.

Oh, no. Mindy,
if you could just... one...

One more verse,
if you don't mind.

It really took a long time
to learn this, so...

Yeah, yeah, of course.

I mean, I don't mean to...
No, no.

♪ When you met me

♪ I was all right,
but things got... ♪

You know what, this is silly,
I can do this later.