The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - Magic Morgan - full transcript

The week after break up,
is the worst.

♪ He filled my days
and lastly,

I will have one order
of the glass noodle salad.

What do you mean I don't fulfill
the delivery minimum?

[Tearfully] I used to.
♪ He took my childhood

♪ In his stride

♪ But he was gone
when autumn came ♪

Smiling, serious,
kissing,

Charlie's Angels.

Classic photo booth
big four.

♪ Come to me



♪ That we would live
the years together ♪

Excuse me.

Ow!

Damn it!

Who put this stupid box here?

Cliff Gilbert,
attorney at law.

Who does that?

I knew I shouldn't have
come to work.

Which is when I tripped
and fell

on your stupid box
of fish oils.

Yeah, I opened it.

So I hope
you're a good lawyer,

- because I plan on suing.
- Okay.

I have a couple thoughts.



Nice to meet you,
by the way.

I'm cliff.

Now, I could sue you for
tampering with my mail,

because that's
a federal offense.

Since when?

Since, like, 1820.

Uh, I do that
all the time.

Well, you shouldn't.

If somebody gets
an interesting looking mail,

you don't open it to see
what's in it? No, I don't.

Neither do I.

But I am so curious.

Who is it that you think
that you could sue?

Uh, you,
this law firm.

The makers of fatsteps
weight loss sneakers.

Their spokesperson,
Brooke Burke,

her husband, David Charvet, and...
Okay, okay.

Let me just stop you
right there.

In slip-and-fall claims,

a plaintiff, you,

has to prove gross negligence

on the part of the defendant,
me.

Now, I can only assume

you weren't looking
where you were going

because you clearly weren't
looking in the mirror

when you got dressed
this morning.

Uh, how dare you?
I'm adorable.

I look like Keira Knightley
running errands.

Guys love this look.

Not that I'm interested
in guys right now,

'cause I'm going
through a breakup.

Wait a minute.
You're single?

I find that impossible.

Now you're always wearing
fatsteps in the rain,

outside of a control
exercise environment,

so I think the judge
hears that,

finds the plaintiff
to be negligent

and clearly insane.

Case closed.

Have a wonderful day,
everyone.

You think you're
so cool,

with all your legal talk,

pacing around
in your expense pants.

I can do that too.

Guess what? I've seen
legally blonde nine times.

I saw it on Broadway.

I read the novelization.

I have the app.

[Glass shatters]

Meant to do that.

So...

Have a nice life, loser.

[Thud]

Okay, you have a online
shopping problem.

[Upbeat music]

♪

(Jeremy)
Everybody, gather around.

It seems rather silly to me

that we work at a place called
Shulman and associates

when there's no one called
Shulman here.

I thought he
was Shulman.

I'm Castellano.

For real?

And with the addition
of Dr. Peter Prentice,

it seemed high time
to have a new name.

Is the new doctor...
Is that set in stone?

Is this anybody's
sandwich?

Because I've eaten
half of it,

and I don't like it.

No, Danny,
it's not set in stone.

It's set in Lucite!

I give you,
Peerson, Castellano,

Reed & Prentice.

Wait, who's Peerson?

I don't know none
of y'all people.

Mindy is Mrs. Casey Peerson,

or at least she will be
when she gets married.

Yeah, Casey and I might
not be getting married.

What?

It didn't make sense
to get married

once we had broken up, so...

What?

But you must.

For the sign.

Did he leave you
for a white woman?

That's exactly wrong,

and please don't
grab me like that.

Hold on.
Was it a black man?

No.

Look, I've been on the
other side of this a lot,

dumping chicks.

I think what you've
got to know is that

he had his reasons,

and it's better this way.

Or at least it's better
this way for him.

Okay, I barely know you,

and you had your hand on me
for, like, 20 minutes.

Hey, guys,

obviously I'm really sad

and I'm in no condition
to work.

So I'm going to take
my heartache days,

and I'll be back here
when I feel better.

Yeah, we did actually
talk about this.

You don't get
heartache days.

In fact,
they don't exist.

Oh, hey, Dr. L.

Talk to you about
my love life stat.

Hey, do you remember
my ex-girlfriend, Vicki?

No.

Okay, well, anyway,
she just got engaged

to an engineer,

and not
the choo-choo kind.

The rich kind.

And the crazy thing is,

this is the seventh time
this has happened.

Every time I date a girl,

the minute we break up,
bam,

she meets some amazing guy
and they fall in love.

Morgan, I think you're
describing the premise

to good luck Chuck.

Um, I've never seen
that film.

I might be too
young for that.

Anyways, what do I do?

Is there something...

Should I call them
and be like...

Hey, Morgan, Morgan.

I'm really searching
for the passion

to continue my interest
in this conversation,

but I'm very sad,

so I'm going to go
eat my snack.

So I'm going to
go do that, okay?

I tried.
Okay.

(Danny) Mrs.
Randolph, water births have no

proven medical benefits.

They get a lot of publicity

because of celebrities...

Your ricki lakes
and whatnot...

But, you know what?

Let's talk about this later.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay.
Good to see you.

Peter! Peter!

What's going on
in here, guys?

Dr. P.'S doing
the cinnamon challenge.

If you can swallow a spoonful
of cinnamon, you win.

Oh, my God.
Can't you die from that?

What do you win?

Oh!

Respect.

Danny, you smell
delicious,

like a cup of cider
I can't wait to sip.

Peter's got to go.
It's not working out.

Come on.
He's a great doctor.

The patients love him.

Plus, he's the only one
around here

who calls me "boss,"
which I like.

He calls everyone boss,

or chief
or little buddy,

which makes no
sense at all.

Yeah,
no sense at all.

I thought you two
would get on.

You're both American dudes.

We're nothing like
each other, okay?

He wears cargo shorts.
I wear slacks.

He surfs.

I fear the ocean
out of respect.

Okay, well,
guess what, Danny?

I hired him
when you and Mindy

- both left me in the lurch, remember?
- Yeah.

Get out of my office.

You smell like a candle shop

during the holidays.

(Peter)
Joyce, happy to see you.

Not so happy with you.

Heard you missed
a childbirth prep class.

That can't happen.

If it does, I will
throw you in baby jail.

Now, I'm kidding,

but I'm also being
really serious.

Hey, boss.
Little buddy.

See? He's got
the human touch.

♪ A long December

♪ And there's reason
to believe ♪

[glass shatters]

♪ Maybe this year
will be better than the last ♪

Don't be sad, girl.

I miss you too.

Casey. Hi!

Hi, Casey, it's Mindy.
Hi!

You're... are you okay?

Yeah, yeah,
I'm okay.

I mean, I'm shrunken

into, like, a miniature
version of myself,

so...

Well...

Not completely miniature.

[Laughs]

That is just hilarious.

You been drinking
a little bit?

Yeah.

I don't want to feel this way
anymore, Casey.

I just want to fast-forward
through all of missing you,

and I want to be
happy again.

Maybe going to the gym
would help.

Okay, photo me.

Why don't you back off,
you stupid skank?

Yeah, I went there.

[Pounding on door]

It's Morgan!

The white nurse
from work!

[British accent] Mindy's
not here right now.

Don't you
Mrs. Doubtfire me!

I saw how upset you
were earlier.

No!
Get out of the way.

God.
Come on.

No, I brought
you stuff, okay,

because you're
having a bad day.

I brought treats.

I got your rag Mags.

I prefer to be left alone right now,
because I'm really sad.

They didn't have ice cream,
so I got sour cream.

Thought we could add
some sugar

and hope for the best.

Okay.

Look, I get it.

Okay, we are sad.

All right,
Casey and you broke up.

My old girlfriend
got engaged.

That's right,

'cause everyone
who dates you

finds the perfect
person right after.

Mindy, this is a lot
of empty wine bottles.

Morgan.
What's going on?

Use your magic on me.

What? What?
Oh!

(Mindy)
Come on, Morgan!

Just be my boyfriend
for the night!

Do we have
a chemical attraction?

Yes, of course.

Do I occasionally think about
you in your yoga pants?

Constantly.

Then let's just do this thing
and release me from this hell!

Oh!
Oh, God.

You said you were magic.

No, no,
no, no, no.

Aah!

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

You don't know
what you're saying.

You're drunk.

No, no...
No, no, no. Stop.

Aah!
Stop it.

Stop it.
Stop it.

Why would you
let me stop it?

You got to calm down.
Shh.

Quiet. Quiet.
Quiet.

There we go.
Down.

Let me...
No, no.

It's over.
It's over.

Morgan...

If there is any chance
that your power is real,

I need to try.

I'm so sad.

I don't know
what to do.

[Sobbing]
No.

You crying is the one thing

on this earth I can't take.

All right,
I'll do it.

What?

I'll work my magic...

By having sex
with your body.

So I'm out with this chick,

super smart and classy,

major cans.

Major cans?

Danny,
it's a locker room.

He's a telling
a chap story.

So we're on a double date,
you know,

so there's no
awkward silences.

Hey, Danny,
come sit down.

You pretend to be me.

No, thank you. Go on, mate.
Come on, sit down.

Bonding.

It'll help with the story.

Just pretend to me.
I'll be the chick.

It's so funny.

All right,
I'm Peter.

Spot on.

We're out to dinner,
double date,

it's going great.

All of a sudden,

the conversation
starts to get

a little iffy
about north Korea.

And I feel her hand
under the table...

Oh!
Whoa.

I know.
It was crazy.

She grabbed my junk
under the table.

That's my penis.
You can't just...

Not okay.
And the cinnamon

and the nicknames.

That's my penis.

I'm sorry.
I'm just telling a story.

Mine.

We're all friends.

You know what,
that's...

I went over the pants!

(Morgan)
Rule number six,

my socks will stay on.

Final sex rule, you can't
fall in love with me.

Okay,
I think the alcohol

is starting to wear off,

so why don't you go
in the bedroom,

and I'm gonna
freshen up here.

I've never done it
in a bedroom before.

Okay.

One time I...
Oh. Yep.

What am I doing?

Morgan, you were right.
This is bad idea.

I didn't...

Oh, my God!

Hi.

I was gone for, like,
ten seconds.

[Softly]
It felt like forever.

What?

It felt like forever.

You're using, like,
a bedroom voice.

I honestly can't
hear you.

Open those blinds,
and let's let the stars watch.

Come here, you.

Aah!

Please don't act
so shocked and disgusted.

It's a little offensive.

Take your stuff.
This is a big mistake.

Just remember
that it was you

that asked me moments ago
to have sex with you,

so I'm gonna go,
and I want to thank you

for really making this
a great night for everyone.

(Danny)
This isn't working out, Peter.

We're letting you go,
bud.

I can't lose another job.

This eats!

(Jeremy)
Peter, Peter.

I'm so sorry.

Look, I know when I
grabbed your junk before

that that was wrong.

Afterwards, I kept
thinking to myself,

what would it feel like
to be in this guy's shoes,

you know, and have some super
handsome guy grab my penis?

Well, I would
have loved it,

but that's me,

and we're all different.

You know, that's what
Martin Luther King

was saying.

No, that's not
what he meant.

Got that wrong.

You guys have no idea

how important
this job is to me.

I have never worked with
such smart and rad people.

Everybody here makes me
want to be a better doctor.

(Jeremy) All right, Peter.
You can stay.

Wait, what?

Everyone deserves
a second chance.

Come on.

Plus his name's already
on the sign.

This is great.

Awesome.
[Laughs]

I would teach you guys
my secret handshake,

but then I'd have to
touch your junk again.

[Phone ringing]

(Mindy)
Hello?

(Cliff)
Dr. Lahiri.

Hi, it's cliff Gilbert.

Oh, this is sad.

You were incredibly
rude to me yesterday,

but what do you know?

Can't stop thinking
about me.

Sure, I'll go on a date
with you...

In your dreams, cliff.

Actually I'd completely
forgotten about you

until your employee
Morgan Tukers

came into my office, and...

Tookers.

Morgan tookers
came into my office

and said he wanted to sue
you for sexual harassment.

I thought, "yep, that
seems about right."

(Cliff)
Okay. Okay.

The reason we're all here

is because last night
Ms. Lahiri tried to coerce

my client into
sexual intercourse.

What?
You did what?

You did that?

Come on!

So my client is seeking
$200,000 in restitution.

What?
$200,000?

I should be suing you
for $2 billion

because I had to see
your entire butt crack.

My butt crack's fantastic.

It's important
for me to speak

for those
who cannot speak.

What are you,
the lorax?

What are you
talking about?

Okay, so here's how
this is gonna work.

You're gonna pay
my client $200,000,

or we will see you in court.

See you in judge Judy,
babe.

Wait a minute. Wait.
We can talk about this.

- There is one other way.
- No, there is no other way.

There's one other way.
No, there isn't.

There's one
other way.

Dr. L.,

you threw me out of
your house last night

and you said you never wanted
to be with someone like me,

and that hurt.

But I will forget
about the money

if you take me
on a nice date.

- What?
- Squeeze me?

Like, a dinner date.

Mindy would be happy to
take Morgan out on a date,

teeming with respect
and decency.

It's settled.
Good.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not settled. I agree. I agree.

Yeah, it's not settled.
It's one date.

You're gonna go out.
You're gonna look nice.

Don't wear your fatsteps,
please... no one likes those.

People love my fatsteps.

They don't.
(Jeremy) People hate them.

You know what?
I thought I had hit rock bottom,

but we managed to find
a new subbasement.

So, yeah, let's do this.
Let's do this.

This is my life now.

Okay, Mr. tookers,

I'm going to be billing
you for the hours

I've wasted on this.

I have no money,
and I will not pay.

If you let me have
heartache days,

we wouldn't be in
this situation.

(Danny)
What's happening in there?

You got your date outfit...

Are you kidding me?

Come on.
Let's go. Move.

I'm sorry I found
it challenging

to accessorize
for a date to hell.

Come on, you date creeps
all the time.

It's not a big deal.

Hey, these are hot
you should wear these.

- A pink g-string?
- Yeah, on the bottom.

I mean, this is hot.
If I saw you in it...

On sight!

What?

I would chop you down
on sight.

(Danny) What's wrong
with you? Whoa!

What? Why did it get weird
when I said that?

I'm not going to wear
a pink g-string

on my coerced date
with my coworker.

So...

Just pick out something,
anything nice.

You got...
Look at this.

This is perfect, right?
That's nice.

What?

What?

That's Casey's shirt.

Oh, God, you guys.

He's gonna haunt me
forever.

I'm never gonna find
anyone like that again.

Okay.
Oh, hey.

Come on, mama.
Hey.

Let's dry those eyes,
huh?

Here we go.

Am I ever gonna
meet anybody?

Maybe.
I don't know the future.

Depends.

Thank you.

And if you don't want
to go on that date,

you don't have to.

We'll just pay Morgan
the $200,000.

We're not doing that.
That is absolutely not gonna happen

that's a great idea!

No, no, no.
No way. No.

Great, I'll just be
your sex slave

to whoever you want
to whore me out to.

That's not what
we're talking about.

I'll just do whatever
you want to do.

Listen to me!

I'm sorry
about you and Casey.

We all are.

Yeah, look, it sucks.
I'm sorry.

So why don't you
just pick

any one of these
gorgeous frocks

and go out and show this
Morgan the night of his life?

Look, you need this,
okay?

You got to get out
of the apartment.

Okay.
I'll go.

Okay. All right.

Can I wear my
fatsteps?

No. No. No.

Okay, I'm gonna change,
you pedos.

Get out of here.
Let's go.

Everybody out.

Let her change.
Privacy is best.

You're gonna be okay.

Take this with me.

(Morgan) Whoa! Look at that.

Look at that.
What?

The saw...
Fire.

Nothing's happening.

Ooh.
All right.

Conversation.
Conversation.

Oh.

How much money
do you make annually?

Dr. L.
Hi.

How you doing?

Person here,
trying to talk.

I'm sorry,
I'm just texting

so what we don't have
to make conversation.

Oh, cool.
Let me just...

Let me see it
for one second.

I'm gonna hold on
to this one.

You know, because it's
supposed to be a fun date

that we're on together.

Of course, no, no, no.
So we should have fun.

You're right.
You're right.

Absolutely right.

That was so rude.

Have you ever
traveled abroad?

Yes, one time
I went to Montreal.

Beautiful city.

Yeah, I went there
to see a prostitute

that I had been
talking to online.

And I got there...

Turned out
she was a man,

and he beat the hell
out of me pretty bad, so...

That's the last time
I traveled anywhere.

Hey, you're getting sauce

all over the
road and track, man.

That's communal.

Hey, dude,

how many times are you gonna

make me say I'm sorry?

Uh, tub birth.
I'm gonna vomit.

We'll just go through it.
Come on.

You know, you guys,

I don't have anything
to do tonight,

so if you need
an extra set of hands,

I could help you out.

Wait a minute.
You want to come?

I'm the new guy,
you know?

You got to treat me
like a pledge.

I have to do all
the stuff that you guys

don't want to do.

I'm your bitch.

That's very helpful, Peter.

Yeah, that's very, very,
very helpful, Peter.

Great.
We got a tub birth to do.

And if I may quote
most of my t-shirts,

let's get wet, ladies.

You know what?

This is a crazy idea.

Why don't we order
some shrimp cocktail,

do the whole thing
over again?

No.
Yeah, that's crazy.

I have fulfilled my
contractual date with you.

- Be safe getting home.
- No, no, no, look.

The date's not over.

A date is dinner
and something.

Dinner and a movie.
Dinner and a sunset look-at.

We got to go do
our something.

What is our something?

Oh, you'll see.

What?
Okay.

Please don't.
Please don't do that.

(Mindy)
Morgan, did you bring me here

to kill me?

(Morgan) Oh, God,
I'm not gonna kill you!

I want to show you
my favorite place.

The quarry.

Right?

This is a real place.

Yes.

[Train whistle blaring]

Train.

Whoa!

See, this is where
I hang out.

It's nice!
Yeah, I know.

Watch this.

If you yell,
it echoes.

[Echoing] It echoes. It echoes.

Pretty cool.

Sometimes I come here,

stuff I got to get off
my chest, you know?

Morgan, why don't you do
your back exercises?

They help! [Echoing] they help...

No one can you hear
you but the rocks.

They were here before
we were born,

and they'll be here
after we're gone.

Can I try?

That's why I brought
you up here, dumbass.

Kidding.
Do it. Come on.

It'll help you.

Come on.

Casey, I miss you!

I hate this feeling!

[Echoing]
I hate this feeling!

That's good.

How'd that feel?

A little better,
actually.

Uh-huh.

Dr. L., I've been dumped
36 times in my life.

God.

I was left at
the altar three times.

Two different women
faked their own deaths

to get away from me.

The point is,
you can't force yourself

to get over someone.

But it'll happen.

You know,
maybe tomorrow.

Maybe in five years.

Oh, God. Throw me in the quarry.
[Owl hooting]

All right, look, we got
to get out of here, man.

There's, like, 14 different
kinds of animals

that want to eat us.

So we should go.
Okay, just one second.

Okay, give me one second?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bye, Casey.

Okay, I'm ready.

This is actually
a pretty nice date.

Did you bring protection?

Do you use protection?

Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no.

Why don't you use a backpack
instead of a plastic bag?

My birthday's coming up.

Hold the door.
Hold the door.

Oh, it's you.

"Oh, it's you"?

No, you don't get to
"oh, it's you" me.

I "oh, it's you" you.

Whatever.
I'm a Ray of sunshine.

Yeah, well,
you definitely look

better than you
did yesterday.

Thank you.
I bathed.

That's important.

After you.

Magic Morgan.

It works every time.