The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Desert - full transcript

(Mindy) Every great love
story has a beginning.

I want you to be with me.
I want me to be with you too.

But every great love story
also has an end.

We can either
break up now,

or we can do it
three years from now.

I'm just doing us
a favor.

What?

(Mindy)
And when your love story ends,

all you can do is cry,
listen to sad music,

and drink wine that you bought
from a gas station.

[Sarah McLachlan's
building a mystery]



♪ So careful
when I'm in your arms ♪

♪ 'Cause you're working

♪ Building a mystery

Home.
Go home.

(Mindy) And I'll think of
some way to get him back.

Scarlet, you are a genius.

I'm coming for you, Cliff!

how can you be
in such a good mood?

Your boyfriend dumped you.

On a technicality, Danny.

And like
Amanda "foxy knoxy" knox,

I, too,
will be exonerated.

I changed my flight.

I'm gonna go back to New York
this morning,



and I'm gonna win
Cliff back.

No, you're not.

You're coming with me
to see my dad.

Your dad dad?
Yes.

The man who abandoned you,

leaving you emotionally
closed off

and completely immune
to tickling.

Okay, okay,
for the last time,

there's no scientific
correlation

between being emotional
and being ticklish.

I called him
last night, okay?

I called him.

He lives a couple hours
from here,

and you're coming
with me.

I can't.

I already called
and left a message for Cliff.

Well, it's just one day.

And, you know,
I could use you for,

you know,
whatever it's called...

Emotional support.

I would love to be there
to support you.

You've never been
this interesting.

Then come!

Danny, I can't waste
any more time.

I was lucky
to be with Cliff.

He didn't cheat on me.
He didn't flake and become a DJ.

The worst thing he ever did was
suggest that we eat healthier.

And as awful as that was,

I didn't appreciate him
till he was gone.

I have to go win him back.
I'm sorry.

Fine.
Oh, and, Danny...

I need a ride to the airport. What?

And I don't like the way
that the seat belts

look over my boobs, so I'm not
gonna wear my seat belt.

I'm gonna...

Okay, I'll give you a ride.
Thank you.

Hey, doctor P!

How was L.A.?

It was horrible.

Thanks to Mindy,
I was humiliated on national TV.

Did you bring me back
anything?

My husband went
to California once,

and all he brought me back
was the clap

and Orson Welles' oscar.

I brought you back nothing

because I'm getting
a little sick and tired

of the fact that working here

means that everybody's
got to be involved

in everybody's business.

Ooh! Can I have
this little football?

I love tiny things!

No, you may not have
my tiny football.

Now, I have a lot of work
to get done

before my date tonight
with a D.T.F. butterface,

whose name I think is Megan.

So, if you could please
just leave me alone...

(Morgan) Dr.
P., I'm stuck in the bathroom.

The handle...
It fell off.

Could someone who's not me
please deal with that?

(Mindy) Hey, thanks for driving
me to the airport, Danny.

You got that tonic water?
Yeah.

Thank you.
Hey, crack it open for me.

[Can opens]

I think you could've done it
yourself, but... thank you.

It's so beautiful here,
you know, so arid.

The quality of the air...
[Spits]

Was that necessary?

Did it go bad?
What's wrong with you?

It's not tonic water.
It's seltzer.

You couldn't swallow one sip of
a different kind of fizzy water?

It's all over the car now.

It's the same thing!

It's not the same.
Tonic water's tonic water, okay?

It's refreshing, it's crisp.

It's the tiniest bit sweet.

Okay.

God, it's taking
a really long time

to get to L.A.X.

Are we there yet much?

Gonna sleep.

[Imitates snoring]

No, really,
I'm gonna sleep for real.

Yeah, yeah, sleep.
It might take a bit.

I'll wake you up
when we get there.

(Peter)
All right, face,

hope you got
your life vest on,

'cause you are about
to go motorboating.

Oh, no.

(Morgan)
Dr. P?

Do you have
any baby wipes?

Oh, no!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get
out of here.

Dr. P, it only opens
from the outside.

(Mindy)
Wait. Where are we?

Danny? Danny, why are we not
at the airport?

We're not going
to the airport.

We're at my dad's house.

Did you kidnap me?
This is an Amber alert!

Okay, come on, that's for cute
little blonde girls.

It's not for you.

You cannot just kidnap people
because you need moral support.

I don't need moral support.

I need you to reset my hand,

because I'm gonna break it
when I punch my dad in the face.

Stay in the car.
What? Danny!

Danny, no!

Danny, stop!
Stay in the car!

No. Danny, stop it!

I said stay in the car.

You stay in the car!
You're not doing this, Danny.

Danny, stop!

What are you doing?
Stop it.

Get back in the car.

I'm not gonna get back
in the car.

Danny!

Who are you?

I'm Danny Castellano.

I'm Danny Castellano.

I think you're my brother.

Dad, come here.

What's that?

Danny.

Hey, Danny.

That's the first step.

Will you come in and stay
for some potato-chip pie?

Yeah. I think will.
No. No, we're good.

Potato-chip pie sounds like it
combines all my favorite things.

We're gonna stay.
Come on in.

No, we're gonna...
We're going.

We got to hit the road.

We drove out here.
Now we're gonna do...

You wanted this,
and it's happening now.

Dr. P,
every time I ask Tamra out,

she says no.
Uh-uh.

Do you think
she has a crush on me?

Um, let me think about it.
I don't care.

Hey.

I only hope that my nose
will adapt

to the stench
that you've made.

Do you know every time
you bring it up,

it hurts my feelings
a little bit more?

What am I supposed to do,
ignore it?

I can see the smell.
I just peed.

Then you need
serious medical attention.

If I had health insurance...

(Cliff) Hey, Inez,
you can head home for the day.

Is that Cliff?

I'm just gonna finish up
some paperwork here.

Okay, good night,
Mr. Gilbert.

[Jewel's you were meant for me
plays]

[Singing along] ♪ I hear
the clock, it's 6:00 A.M. ♪

It's coming
through the vents.

He can hear us.
He can get us out of here! Cli...

(Cliff, high-pitched voice)
♪ Anymore, 'cause...

♪ Dreams last
for so long ♪

♪ Even after you're gone

[crying]

Is he crying?

Oh, my God.

We can't let him know
we're in here now.

He'll know
that we heard him.

It's not that big of a deal.
It's not tharrassing.

It was pretty...
Why? Why?

Now we should let him
save face.

Oh, my God.

(Mindy)
Great news.

I just got off the phone
with the airline,

and in nine short hours,

I will have forced my way
into Cliff's unwilling arms.

See?
Was that so hard?

It was,
and it was very expensive.

And I was on the phone
for so long

that the phone started smelling
like my breath,

which you know I hate.

You'll be fine, 'cause you're
getting home to Cliff, right?

So you want that.

Some more pie?
Mindy, thirds?

Oh, God, yes, please.
It's so good.

No, she's good.
It's delic...

No, you're good.
You're all good.

So you cook now, huh?

Mm-hmm.
That's great.

I remember
when I was a kid.

All our home-cooked meals
came from the inside

of a fast-food bag.

What's fast food?

Fast food's what you eat
on the living-room floor

while your dad watches TV

and comments
on Sandy Duncan's chest.

Danny!

Actually, the wife and I
don't allow TV in the home.

Where is she now?

She's, uh,
working double shifts

because you're between jobs
right now?

Actually,
Tara travels for her work.

She sells these
oversized turkey legs

at renaissance faires,

and I have a barbershop
over at the military post...

"The United States
of haircuts,"

a little wordplay.
[Laughs]

So I have
a soccer game tomorrow.

Can you come?

Danny, you should go.

You know, I can... I can drive
myself to the airport.

Uh... sure.

Soccer game?
Yeah, I'll go.

Okay. Dessert?

Love dessert.

(Mindy) Bye! Bye!

Thank you for having me.
Danny. Danny.

They are so cute.

They could have
their own reality show.

The real house-child
of desert...

You know,
I'm not good with names.

That's someone else's...

Yeah, ye, they're cute.
They're really, uh...

[Can opens]
Really cute.

Hey, maybe cool it
with the beers, okay?

You already had,
like, three inside.

'Cause, you know,
you're gonna get the hiccups,

and I'm not gonna be there
to scare you.

I'm good.
Don't worry about me.

Okay.

Well, wish me good luck
with Cliff.

I'm gonna take a walk,
and, uh...

Yeah.

Be careful driving.

You're not very good.

Are you sure
you should be head...

Okay.

(Cliff, singing along)
♪ I know you love me

♪ A soon you will see

[sighs]

It's been the same song
for two hours.

I'm starting to lose it.

Why is this guy so sad?
What, did his grandma die?

[Gasps]
Grandma's dying.

No, my friend.

I'd know that cry anywhere.

That is the sound of a man
who's had his heart broken.

How do you know?

When Becca left me,
I was a mess.

But Mindy and Cliff are dating.
There's no reason she...

What?

Did Mindy dump Cliff?

Does she think
she can do better?

'Cause she can't.
No!

No guy wants a chick
that's successful.

Yeah, I heard that.

Of course you did.
A-roo!

[Barking]

This is our fault.
We set them up.

I already wrote a toast
for their wedding.

"The dictionary defines wedding
as a gathering..."

Hold on.

He stopped.

It stopped.
Yes.

(Cliff, high-pitched voice)
♪ Dreams last for so long

I'm losing it!
Shh.

We're gonna die!
No, no. Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!
[Screams]

Oh, my God,
thank God you're here!

I knew this was
a gay pickup spot.

No, it's not, Doris.

Come on, let's get
the hell out of here

before he makes a big mistake.

I feel bad.
Should we say something?

I got a date
I got to try and salvage.

I mean, we all have things,
you know what I mean?

I got a carton of kittens at
home that think I'm their mom.

I'm their dad.

Hey, Cliff.
What's... what's up, man?

Hey... brah.

Guys.

(Cliff) You've reached Cliff
Gilbert. Please leave a message.

[Beep]

Look, babe, I will do anything
to win you back...

Like, anything.
I will vacuum.

[Incoming-call beep]
Oh! Hey, babe!

I was just leaving you
a message.

Look, I was telling you
that I would vacuum,

and I don't know
that I would do that.

What?
What?

Danny?

Yes.
Who'd you think it was?

Cliff, obviously.

Oh, give me a break
with Cliff!

I'm lost in the desert
right now, and I'm drunk.

What?
What do you want?

I need you to come out here.

Yeah, well, call your dad.

I'm not calling
that son of a bitch.

I'd rather... rather die
here in the desert.

I think
you're being dramatic.

I am not being dramatic!

What are you doing?

Nothing!
I'm fine!

You know what?
Go, go, go.

I'll figure it out on my own.
Good-bye.

[Phone clicks]

Damn it.

[Tires squealing]
You've got to be kidding me.

Stupid... stupid Danny.

[Elevator bell dings]

So, Cliff, do you got any plans
for tonight?

Oh, you know,
probably just...

Get in my PJs and...

♪ Hop into bed

♪ Dreams last
so long ♪

Hey, Cliff,
you okay, buddy?

Yeah.

♪ Hearts are broken
every day ♪

Hey, you're singing
a lot of jewel, man.

Mindy and I broke up,
and, uh...

[Elevator bell dings]
I'm taking it pretty hard.

Maybe you need
a guys' night out.

You guys want
to take me out?

I don't know.
Oh, yeah.

I got a sex date
with a two,

which means
she's a Chicago four,

which means
she's a Wisconsin nine.

I think
you can move that around...

A little bit.

All right! Why not? Yeah!

I can have meaningless sex
any night of the week,

but I can't ignore the call

of a dude
with a broken heart.

Let's make this a night
not to remember, huh?

Three, two, one...

Both:
Best friends club!

I'll get it
by the end of the night.

This is gonna be bad.
Yeah, I know.

[Whispering]
Danny.

Danny!

If you're here,
please say something, Danny.

Mindy!
Oh, my God!

What took you so long?

What took me so long?

Yeah.
Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it was the two-hour drive
back from the airport

or the mile that I walked
through the desert.

Okay, it's very confusing
out here.

I was trying to follow
the big dipper,

but I don't know
what it means.

Danny, you made me miss
another flight, okay?

I already pre-ordered
my snack.

It was a fiesta salad wrap...
My favorite!

Okay, relax.

I think coming to save me is
a little more important than...

Than what?

[Sighs]
Forget it.

No. What?

Than to run home to a guy

that clearly doesn't want to be
with you anymore.

Excuse me?

You want a tip?

Guys don't break up with girls
they secretly want to be with.

That doesn't happen...

Maybe in the movies,
but not in real life, okay?

He dumped you.
It's over. Forget about it.

Sorry, sweetheart.

You know what, Danny?

Yeah, what?
When I first met you...

I thought, "wow. That guy is
so handsome and smart.

"How could he be single?

He's such a catch."

Then I got
to know you better.

And I realized...
You're mean.

Yeah, you're mean,
and you are selfish.

And you're
just like your dad.

No, you know what?
You're worse than your dad,

'cause your dad changed.

You know what? It's cold.
Let's just get out of here.

Fine. Let's go.

No, don't walk with me.

You walk 20 feet behind me.
Wha...

And every so often, whistle that
song from the hunger games

so I know you're not dead.

[Swallows hard]

Mm.

Hey!

What is Mindy thinking?
What a moron for dumping you.

Oh, no, Mindy
didn't dump me.

No, I ended it
with Mindy.

[Burps]

You dumped her?
I don't understand.

What, are you crazy?
Why?

Well, I couldn't trust her.

I mean, she went to a party in
Los Angeles with her ex-fiance.

I was at that party, dillweed.
Nothing happened.

She's obsessed with you.

You're all she talks about.

I know what size jeans
you wear.

And I know that
your mom's name is Ellen,

but her friends
call her "cookie."

W-w-wait.

D-d-do you guys think
I made a mistake?

W-w-w-w-wait.
Hol... hold on a second, guys.

Oh, "do you think I made a..."
Yes, I think you made a mistake!

Aghh!
Waiter!

I'd like another order of,
"yes, this guy made a mistake."

I'm out of here, Morgan.
Unbelievable.

Ere you going?
I can't believe it.

I bought you drinks
on my credit card, man.

You think I can afford
seven mojitos

for a guy who did not
just get dumped?

[Whistling]

Oh, my God.

That sounds nothing like rue.

Have you even seen
hunger games?

[Continues whistling]

Oh, look...

Civilization.

What the hell?

This town's not on the map.

[Sirens blaring]
Oh, God!

Identifications, please.

Okay, I know that my I.D.
says that I am 5'10"

with blonde hair,

110 pounds
with crystal blue eyes.

My philosophy is that an I.D.
Should be aspirational.

That's very nice,
miss Silverado.

Oh. Well, thank you
for your service to our country.

Silverado?

Castellano?

Are you related
to Alan Castellano?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unfortunately I am.

Oh, man, Alan cuts
all the boys' hair on the base.

That's great.
Why don't you just give him a call?

Have him come pick you up.

This is very hard for him

because he has a very
complicated relationship

with his father.

Oh.

He was abandoned as a child,
and so now he feels...

Okay, okay.
I'm gonna do it.

[Whispering]
It's pretty messed up.

I can't imagine that phone call
was easy for you to make.

Yeah, thanks
for showing up.

I guess there's a first time
for everything, right?

Come on, Danny.

Yeah. What do you want to hear?
What do you want?

You want to hear it was hard?
Yeah, it was hard.

The whole thing's been hard.

But, you know,
I wanted to show up here,

I wanted to show up,
and I wanted to...

[Groans] I wanted to
knock you out, man...

[Sighs]
And be done with you, but...

It turns out
you're a good dad now.

When did that happen?

Danny, I'm really sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.
Now... you're sorry now?

I wasn't around.

I never came to any one
of your dance concerts.

No, no, no.
You mean my little league, okay?

My little league.

No. You remember.

You used to practice
those pirouettes in the kitchen

because the linoleum
made it easier to spin.

Shh, shh.

I don't want the whole base
to know I was a primo ballerino.

You were so graceful.

I was?

Danny, I can't ce
the past, okay?

But you?

You can be a part
of little Danny's future.

I don't know about that.

Danny, I want you
to be part of the family.

Please.

(Mindy)
Um, I have a question.

How close do you think you are
to finding Bin Laden?

What?

Well, I'm asking because I feel
like I see him every day

in Manhattan.

D-don't you...
No.

I'm not seeing him.
We're gonna get out of here.

I want to thank you.
Sure.

It's just... why...

Thank you, sir.
Salute him, salute him.

God, this knot is insane.

So what's
your boyfriend like?

Is he cute like Liam
from one direction?

Liam from one direction?

Uh, more like Harry
from one direction.

Here, check him out.

Pretty bangin', huh?

He doesn't look like Harry.

Obviously.
It's Harry styles.

No one looks like...
But he's...

He's mad at me, though.
Why?

Did you bring home
a little snake

and hide it in your room?

No, I was the snake.

And now I have
to go apologize to him,

but I don't know
what to say to him.

I had to apologize
to my neighbor

when the snake bit her.

I wrote her a nice letter.

Write Cliff a letter.

Little Danny,
that is a good idea.

Of course,

because it came from the mouth
of a wee babe.

[Laughs]
Thank you.

You know what? Can you go
sneak me one of the popsicles?

The moms are onto me.

What's your favorite flavor?
Red.

Red. Got it.

Get a blue and a green
just in case.

(Mindy)
Danny? Danny.

I'm not gonna get up again
so you can walk the aisles.

You're not gonna
get thrombosis.

I don't care what
the today show says.

I don't care.
No, it's not that.

I want to apologize.

It took a lot for you
to make peace with your dad.

I mean, you did it in
a completely melodramatic way.

I could've done without
wandering around the desert.

I sat on an armadillo,
killed it.

That was not good
for my self-esteem.

But...

You're not mean.
You're great.

Hey.

[Sighs]

And I'm sorry about
what I said about Cliff.

You weren't lucky
to be with him.

He was lucky
to be with you.

How's that letter going?

Can I read you
the first part?

Sure.
[Clears throat]

"Dear Cliff,

"I'm so sorry
for what I did.

It's just that Casey and I
had a sexual chemistry..."

No, no.
That... that's not good.

Okay, can I help you?
Okay.

Okay.

[Sighs]

How about something
like this?

"Dear Cliff,
please forgive me.

I'm sorry I was so stupid
and reckless with your heart."

Oh, my God.

Okay, keep it coming,
little Shakespeare. Okay.

"You know you're right
for someone

"when they force you to be
the best version of yourself.

That's how I know we're right
for each other, Cliff."

This is amazing.

All right,
here goes nothing.

And...

[Tablet chimes]
[Sighs]

[Phone chimes]

(Mindy) "Dear Cliff,
please forgive me.

"I'm so sorry.

I was stupid and reckless
with your heart."

[Phone ringing]

Oh, God.
Um...

Hello?

(Cliff)
Morgan? I thought about it.

I need to get Mindy back.

Yeah, you do!

Who am I speaking to?

It's Cliff.

(Peter)
You tap that, Cliff.

You tap that
into the sunset.

I wi...
[Phone clicks, dial tone]

Hello?

Hey, I really appreciate this.
Thank you so much.

And as payment,
one tonic water.

Thanks.
I will be right back.

All right.

[Bang, plane rumbling]

[Intercom chimes]

Oh, brother.

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey, Danny, all these waters
look the same.

I-I just don't...

When I first met you, I thought
you were a screechy head case.

Come on, Danny.
Yeah.

We get it, Danny.
You're so much smarter than us.

I am, though.

Just tell them
that I'm not some crazy pervert.

I mean,
I'm not gonna lie to them.

Danny, you are so selfish!

(Danny)
Then you became more tolerable,

and we're good, right?

You're a woman, and that's good.
Look like a woman.

Okay.