The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 15 - French Me, You Idiot - full transcript

(Mindy) Previously
on The Mindy Project...

Mindy, I can't see you anymore.
I don't trust you.

Wait. What?

"Dear Cliff, I'm so sorry
for what I did."

Can I help you?

"I'm sorry I was so stupid
and reckless with your heart."

Oh, my God. Okay, keep it
coming, little Shakespeare.

I need to get Mindy back.

"You know you're right for someone

when they force you to be
the best version of yourself."

I'm sorry.



I probably shouldn't
have done that, right?

Look, I'm gonna count to three.

If you don't kiss me,
I'll realize this

was a big mistake, and I'll
return to my seat in humiliation.

One... Two...
Three...

Four.

Get it off.

What are you doing?

My brother's boyfriend gave
me that for Christmas.

Mm.
I'm the boss now.

- No, no, no, no.
- Mm, I'm the boss.

No, I don't like it.
I'm the boss.

I'm the boss.
[Plane rumbles, smoke alarm beeping]

I'm the boss.



[Restroom dings]

Mm.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

- Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Shut the door.

- [Plane rumbling]
- Ah. Ah.

This is good, Danny.
I like this.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

How is this beneficial
for anyone right now?

No, it's hot, it's hot,
it's making me hot.

No, it's not hot.
It's making me hot.

Ah, Danny!
[Toilet flushes]

Ah! Oh, Danny, you flushed my hair!

My arm is stuck.

I can't get it out, Danny.

Why did you do this to me?
Ow! Stop!

so do you want to come inside
for a drink?

I'll come inside,
but I don't know about a drink.

It's 6:00 A.M.

Hey, hey, if this
is gonna work, Danny,

you have to get used
to my rock-and-roll lifestyle.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

I think I might be able
to get used to it.

[Elevator bell dings]

Uno, dos, tres, four.

[Band plays mariachi version
of in your eyes]

♪

Cliff?

Cliff, what are you doing here?

(Morgan) They're playing in your eyes,
a romantic gesture.

- I should have trusted you!
- What?

I'll never make that mistake again.

I don't know what you're saying.

Guys, guys, guys, amigos!

Sto... it's... you got to read
the room.

I was wrong, Mindy.

I-I should have trusted you.

I still want to be with you.

Oh.

Let me get a photo.

Um, well, you just...
It's so... you did so much.

It's such a nice gesture, and
it's first thing in the morning.

Yeah.

It would be
incredibly mean of me not to.

(Morgan) Look at this.
So beautiful.

A little more...
Show some teeth.

Don't be afraid. Maybe one day we
will have true love like this.

Ready?

One, two, three.
[Camera shutter clicks]

- Took it on two.
- That's very nice.

I'm gonna get going.

You're gonna take off?

Yeah.

Danny, uh, you know, thank you so
much for seeing Mindy home safely.

Are you tipping me?

No, no, no, no.
No, well...

We're gonna get out of here, guys.

Fantastic.

- I'll get your bags.
- Okay.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Band playmamariachi version
of in your eyes]

♪

Hey, Cliff, um... I think
that we need to talk.

I don't know, Mindy.
I feel like your...

I feel like your email said it all.

It was surprisingly eloquent.

"Surprisingly"?

Well, yeah, most of your emails

are pretty poorly spelled,
aggressively vulgar,

full of pop-culture references
that no one understands.

I don't know about that.
This was different.

No, I mean, this was magical.

"You know you're with the right person

when they force you to be
the best version of yourself."

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I wrote the crap out of
that letter real romantic-like.

- I did.
- Come here.

No, see, um, I-I shouldn't.

I shouldn't kiss you or hug you.

An old man coughed up blood
on me on the airplane.

I just don't want
to get you sick, so...

- There.
- Oh, my God. Wow.

I still feel weird from that,
so I should probably rest.

Well, I'll be back.

And, Mindy...

I'm really glad we're back together.

Cliff, I think we should break up.

[Laughs]

I'm in love with someone.

I didn't think we were gonna
do this this early.

I'm in love with someone too.

No.
Oh, God.

[Door closes]

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

- I'm horny for kisses.
- No, no, no.

- Aren't you still with Cliff?
- Technically.

He wouldn't accept my breakup

because of that stupid,
beautiful letter that you wrote.

He's basically in love with you,
so it's your fault.

Now french me, you idiot.
No, I'm not gonna french you.

As long as you're still
with Cliff, we can't kiss.

We can't touch.

We shouldn't even be
in the same room together.

I'm so catholic, I don't even
trust this new pope.

Catholic? There's tons of things
that you're not very catholic about.

- Like what?
- You're divorced.

I'm annulled.

So you did not have sex
before you were married?

- I found a way.
- I don't care,

'cause I'm hindu, and we can do
basically anything.

I don't care what you say
to that giant elephant up there.

According to my guy, this is wrong.

You have a boyfriend.

Danny, I just... I really want
to kiss you, okay?

Why are your lips so scrumptious?

I don't know.
They just are.

And those eyelashes...
I mean, they're just so long.

- They are?
- You look like a pony.

Just one kiss, and I will go away.

- One kiss?
- One kiss? One's fine.

Wait. This is bad.
This is bad!

No! No.

It's just very hard
for me to dump guys.

It's actually a lot easier
for me to get dumped by guys.

Danny, I should just get him
to dump me.

Go get dumped.
I'm gonna go get dumped.

So why don't you lube up
those smackers?

Everyone, everyone...

I have great news.

Dr. Fishbein has had a heart attack.

How is one of our peers
having a heart attack good news?

She was the OB-GYN to the
New York metropolitan ballet.

Now she's gonna retire, meaning...

Oh, I can figure out what that means.

OB-GYN, heart attack,

let me just finish rearranging
these letters.

It means their business
is up for grabs.

And I've arranged
for our practice to pitch.

I'm obviously the cultured one,

plus, I own a cape,
so I will be running point.

My second will be d-d-d-Danny...
He's leaving.

Mindy Lahiri, a female woman.

I'm sorry that I have to admit this,

but I'm actually banned
from Lincoln center,

because apparently there is
a "three strikes" policy

for falling in the fountain there.

I guess we go straight to third place.

Peter, you will be helping me.
Congratulations.

Come in for the shake.

You're gonna have to at least
meet me halfway.

Just come down and get it.
[Groans]

- Thank you.
- You're the worst.

(Morgan) Dr. Reed, I got it.

"Treadmill peacock sings,"

and the words left over
are "h," "g," and "y."

[Knock at door]

(Mindy) Come on in.

- Mindy?
- Yep.

The door was open.

That's cool, babe.
Come right in.

Okay.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Are you... whoa!

- Oh!
- Hey.

You want me to close the door?

No.
No need for that.

- [Toilet flushes]
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Just got off the phone with my psychic.

- You have a psychic?
- She told me

that we were gonna have eight kids.

And I said, "I think after six,

- we'll probably go snip, snip, snip."
- [Laughs] Whoa.

Are you saying you want to break up?

I'll kill you.
I'll kill all your friends.

Uh, no, I'm not saying
I want to break up with you.

It's just you're talking about...

- [Clatter]
- Hey, hey.

Kiss me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.

Okay, all right, this...

You're acting all crazy.

[Cell phone vibrates] Oh, hang on.

Yeah. Oh, I got to...
I got to grab this.

Hello? Gramps?

Hey, can I take this in the bedroom?

Yeah, of course.
Watch out for my rescue cats.

What's up?

Okay.

Gram's dead.

Who?

- [Sobbing]
- Okay.

So your grandmother was...
Was very, very young?

No, she was super old.

But she never forgot my birthday...

Until this year.

And I really let her have it.

I'm gonna put you in a cab
and get you home.

- No, no.
- They say the best thing for grieving

is to be by yourself.

No, no, no, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

No, I can't be trusted
to be alone tonight.

- W...
- If I go home tonight alone,

I will kill a homeless person.

- What?
- I'm not literally gonna kill

a homeless person, okay?

- Okay.
- I'm gonna kill something.

Can I stay here tonight, please?

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are the only person

that can get me through this.
Okay. All right. Okay.

Peter. Jeremy.

Brandon.
Weird beard.

Duncan tells me you are making a play

for the New York
metropolitan ballet account.

And how does Duncan know that?

Morgan tweeted it.

Let us save you a swipe
of your metro card,

because we are getting that account.

[Scoffs]

Ballet choosing midwives over doctors.

While it's true we lack
your narrow-minded approach

to medicine, we are both ballet
enthusiasts and gold member donors.

That's $500.

That's more than that.
No, it's not.

Oh, yes, it is.
How much is it?

I don't remember, Duncan, but it
was significantly more expensive.

Well, you want to redo the taxes?

You think you're the only ones
that have been around the ballet?

Well, I got news for you.

I was dragged to every single one

of my sister's ballet recitals.

And they were the worst.

Wait, you don't like the ballet?

No, I hate it.

I'm just trying to make a little
extra scratch for the practice.

- Please do not be upset.
- Okay.

But I didn't break up with Cliff

because someone very close
to him died,

- and he's devastated.
- Who?

- His grandmother.
- No.

No. No, no grown man is devastated
when he loses a grandparent.

Come on, that is an excuse.

You don't want to break up with him.

I'm already broken up
with him in my heart.

I have to wait
until after the funeral.

You know what? Let's forget
this whole plane thing happened.

Let's just forget about it, okay?

Let's chalk it up to turbulence and
altitude and the blue corn chips.

This whole thing was a big mistake.

No, no, no.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Don't be that way.
Don't be that way.

We're not gonna pretend that
the plane thing didn't happen.

We're gonna wait a little bit longer

until his grandmother
is buried in the dirt.

And if you don't believe me,
you can go talk to him

and see how devastated he is.

Talk to him?

(Jeremy) Now the woman
doing the fouettes

is the prima ballerina.

The rest of the dancers
make up the corps du ballet.

Now this is fantas...

- Peter!
- I'm awake.

I'm not asleep.

You were talking about ballet
and you were a bear.

Well, you're gonna have
to at least feign

an enthusiasm for dance
if we're to get the contract.

Now focus.

Look at her...
Elegant, athletic.

- Huh.
- What?

I think I dated her...

And her.

And her.

How many ballerinas did you date?

When I was going
through my Lothario phase,

I went through something
of a ballerina tear.

They're not gonna let me
through the door.

I guess I could go get it.

You thought a pirouette
was a type of cookie.

It is, and if you break it in half,
it's also a breakfast cereal.

[Knock at door]

- Hey, Cliff.
- Hey, Danny.

Mindy said you were sad
about your grandma.

I'm sorry to hear about that, so I...

Brought you something to drink.

"Dr. Dan's funky ale."

I brew it myself in my guest bathroom.

Oh.

- What do you think?
- It's good.

Mindy says you're really upset?

No, I'm not upset, Danny.

Yeah, it's your grandma.

I'm absolutely devastated.

No person should ever have
to bury a grandparent.

Thank God for Mindy, though.

She really took care of me last night.

[Sighs] Yeah, she's a good kid.

She took care of you?
S-she made you soup?

No, she came over and spent the night.

Like, she slept on the couch
while you slept

in the other room on the bed?

Yeah. No.

No, we slept in the same bed.

So were you, like, aroused?

I'm gonna cut this conversation
short, Danny.

It's getting pretty uncomfortable.

Yeah.

So, Mindy...

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you... did you cheat
on me with Cliff?

What?
No.

If anything, I cheated
on Cliff with you.

He strongly implied
that you two mated.

What?

Okay, you two, get out of here.

Go do something useful, all right?

Scram.
Sit down.

See this?
I want you to show me on this

what you did to Cliff last night.

- What?
- Show me.

Okay, this is dumb.

Sure, fine, Danny.

His arm was...

I don't know...
Like, here.

And his hand
was, I guess, a bit cupped.

- Your breast?
- Yes.

And what else?
What else?

- My hand was here.
- His knee?

In that region.

That's the, uh...
That's the groin?

I did not sleep with Cliff.

I slept next to Cliff because
he was very, very sad.

Nothing major happened.
Okay, wait a minute.

What do you mean
"nothing major happened"?

I massaged his jeans.

Was he in the jeans?

Danny, Cliff might have my hand,

but you...

You have my heart.

And you have to write
his grandmother's eulogy for me,

because he thinks I'm a great writer

because of your letter.
No, no, no, no, no.

You know what? You write
the eulogy by yourself, okay?

Unless you sprained
your hand last night.

You know what I mean?

[Knock at door]

Knock-maste.

I have a proposition for you.

No ballerina is gonna want
to jump into the stirrups

for a party-hungry bro-dog like me.

Well, you're less dumb
than I thought you were.

However, there is no way
that a ballerina

wants to have their pelvis examined

by an unlicensed hippie
witch doctor like you.

Well, what is your proposition?
I am very busy.

I have to plan Duncan's
60th birthday party.

What I'm proposing
is that we team up together.

It's outside the box.

But outside the box
is where I choose to live.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You're barely friends with Cliff.

Ask me anything about him.
Go ahead.

Eyes...
Deep sky blue.

Favorite beer...
Dr. Dan's funky ale.

You made him drink your beer?

- Yes, I did.
- It's terrible.

- He loved it.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Boy, thank you so much for coming.

I can't wait to read your eulogy.

You're just... you're so great
with words.

And I know that gram really
would have appreciated it,

provided she never actually saw you.

You know, she was...

Racist.

Yeah, me too.

I'm really excited for this eulogy.

We got quite a wordsmith over here.

Okay, you shouldn't
be excited for a eulogy.

That's very morbid.

I am too.

Poor, sweet Cliff.

We are gonna find who did this to her,

and you know what we're gonna do?

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna forgive 'em.

[Voice breaking]
I kissed my grandmother so tight

on the lips this morning,

she said... she said,
"get the hell off me."

We got in a big fight.

And she's in heaven right now

with her little bows and arrows,

shooting people in the butt.

[Sobs]

Did you know her?

No.

And together, we can serve
not just your bodies,

but your minds, your
souls, your chakras,

and, of course, your vaginas.

The "pas de deux" of our two practices

will leave your company's health
in first position.

I didn't expect such a love of ballet

from a man who burped
so much in the waiting room.

Well, ballet excites me.

And when I get excited, I belch.

While we're making our decision,

you should stay for rehearsal.
Oh, I don't think...

(Brendan) Excellent. What a treat.
We'd love to.

We'll be doing the whole run-through.

It'll be four hours
of our most subtle work.

Ah.

What a perfect amount of time

for a wordless
classical dance performance.

Well, Peter, this is how you die.

I'd like to say a few words,

if I may, to honor the woman
we all know as gram,

which is short for "grandma"...

Which in itself
is short for "grandmother."

"But her real name wasn't gram,

"it was 'find out real name
from Cliff.'

okay, I forgot to text him.
[Clears throat]

"When an old person dies,
it isn't as tragic

"as someone taken from us too soon,

"like Anna Nicole Smith,

but irregardless"...
Mm...

- What?
- "We feel 'sadliness.'"

is that a word?

"To quote Kendrick Lamar in his song,

expletive, don't kill my vibe"...

You know what?
Let's... why don't we...

Let's just, you know, jump ahead
a little bit here.

No, no, Cliff, Cliff...

"We don't know
what tomorrow will bring.

"I'm sure gram had no idea

her head would explode."

Oh, God.

(Cliff) "There's always one reason

"more important than any other

"that you should just be
with that person or persons...

Because you can't imagine life
without them."

"At any moment,
there's plenty of reasons

"not to spend time with someone...

You're busy, you're fighting,

"you're surfing the Internet,
hold for laughs"...

- Nope.
- [Laughs]

The Internet can suck up
a lot of your time.

Come here.

Danny.

Wait, Danny. Danny, I haven't
broken up with Cliff yet.

What about bloody Mary?

The virgin Mary.

God, give us a sign if you think
we're doing something wrong.

- [Siren wailing]
- [Exhales]

Well, the church wasn't damaged,
but I guess the service is over.

Yeah.

I guess we're going
with cremation after all.

Oh, God.
Hey, Cliff, I am so, so sorry.

How did this happen?

I knocked over a candle
with my buttocks.

Accidents happen...
How could I be upset with you

when you were probably just trying
to light a vigil candle for gram?

So sweet.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna get us some soda pop.

- You a root beer man?
- No.

- I'll get an assortment.
- Okay.

Cliff...

I kissed Danny.

And I don't think
it's a one-time thing.

I think I have feelings for
him, and I want to pursue them.

I am so sorry.

Okay, so... [Exhales sharply]
When the candle fell over...

(Danny) More bad news, Cliff.

I'm sorry.
They're out of root beer.

Oh, my God!

My only solace is in knowing

that gram was a cruel
and unforgiving woman,

and her ghost
will haunt you for eternity.

[Classical music playing]

♪

I've seen this ballet
performed many times,

but never quite so slowly.

It's almost more powerful.

Peter, are you crying?

I'm crying because I need
to pinch a nip to stay awake.

Look, she will cross the stage
to join her love.

When she gets there,
there will be an intermission,

so hang on.
Terrific.

Here she goes.
Oh, my God, get to him.

She's going,
but, oh, no, she goes back.

Oh, God.

There she goes.

Go to him!
[Coughs]

- Peter.
- Move faster!

Don't st...

Go to him!
Get there fa...

How come you're not helping her?

She clearly has some sort
of disability.

Just walk to him.

There!
We all did it together!

Intermission!
Brava!

We can find our own way out.

(Mindy) I don't have an ice pack
for your lip.

Just use one
of those frozen pizza bagels.

These things have
a lot of nitrates in them.

You shouldn't eat them.

Okay, then I wouldn't have
something to put on your lip.

You're right.
I'm good.

I'm good.

So, uh...

Now what?

Well, I don't want to hurt
your bruised lips.

No, no, they're numb.

There's a Ken Burns documentary
on the history of doo-wop.

I saw that one.

- [Lightbulb pops]
- [Gasps]

(Both) Gram?