The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 13 - L.A. - full transcript

Cosmetic injectables
enhance

not only
the haggard female face,

but also, potentially,
our revenue stream.

That's why I'm sending
the three of you to Los Angeles

to get certified.

Oh, yeah!
It's gonna be Entourage, baby.

"Yo, bro! Yo, bro!"
That's my Johnny "drama".

What's Entourage?

I know what it is.
It's a...

Ship?

Hey, I mean this
in a nice way,



but please don't hang out
with us when we're in L.A.

Thank you so much
for sending us, Jeremy.

I'm incredibly prepared.
I got a Brazilian bikini wax...

Right, no.
I downloaded a couple star maps,

so look out,
George Hamilton.

I hope you like your trespassers
completely hairless.

No, now I'm worried.
Don't get distracted

by L.A.'s notorious
"hang loose,"

cowabunga atmosphere.

No one's getting distracted.
Look at her L.A. dance.

No! It's not relevant.
You can't...

Yo, bro,
we're goin' to L.A.

It seems like a distraction.

What?



F.Y.I., I will be staying
at the Y.M.C.A...

'Cause that's
all I can afford on my budget.

Unless I could stay
at your Bel Air hotel.

Could I post up with you?
No.

I'm gonna stay at the Y.M.C.A.,
which is close to your hotel,

so we can hang out.
No, no, no.

Don't worry, Jeremy, I'm not
leaving the conference, okay?

Thanks, man.
L.A.'s the worst.

No decent pizza, no N.F.L. Team,
no one reads.

Okay, Joan Didion,

'cause you've read, like,
three airport dad novels?

Those are complex thrillers.

For your information,
everybody reads in L.A.

They read scripts,
baby bro.

How was that?
Was that a good Johnny "drama"?

It's bad, but we'll
work on it on the plane.

These are nice.

You know, so far,
all you've packed

are bikinis,
a kabbalah bracelet,

and Hawaiian slut tanning oil.

Do you really need to tan?

Babe, this is the palest
I've ever been,

I'm basically
a white person.

Yesterday, I caught myself
watching lacrosse,

and I liked it.

Oh, oh,
I forgot to tell you,

I have to move
out of my apartment.

What?
Yeah, the historical society's

turning my building into
the Manhattan asbestos museum,

Which is crazy.
Mm.

Well, this is
kind of a crazy idea,

but maybe you could
move in with me.

Yeah. Oh, move in with you.
Here? Wo... really?

Yeah, things are going
so well between us.

You know, we're already
sharing a toothbrush.

We are?
No.

Well, yeah, no, that... that...
That's... that's intriguing.

It's... that's a big deal, though.
It's a big step, so you know.

Do people really do that
this fast?

Well, when Casey and I
were dating this long,

we already were
sharing a tent.

Casey.
Ah, cool.

Yeah, I love hearing stories
about your ex-fiancée.

Tell me more.
How was the sex?

Okay, pal,
don't make me write you

a joke prescription
for a chill pill.

I already wasted one on you
for infinite cuteness.

All right, I see your point.
Sorry.

I'll think about it,
okay?

Love in the time of cholera?

Mindy, is there a sex scene
in this, or what?

Oh, this is so exciting.

Los Angeles
looks so cool, Dr. "C."

I don't know how
we're gonna cram

so many sights
into one trip.

Eh, I think I'm just gonna
hang around the conference.

There's a seminar
on lip plumping

that I'm really jazzed
about.

Oh, yeah, that one's gonna rock.
Right?

Wait a minute,
you love old Hollywood:

The brown derby,
coconut grove.

Okay, look, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

My dad lives out there, and
I don't want to run into him.

Oh, my God.
Stop it.

Stop it.

Shh, stop.
You're having a thing again.

What the hell, man?

I just... I have
this irrational fear

that I'm gonna run into him,
and...

I'm gonna stick
around the hotel,

enjoy the amenities,
and that's it.

Yeah, but we were gonna go...
Morgan, drop it.

No, I can't! I was...

Stop, stop.
Oh, God!

Just stop, stop, stop.
Oh, God.

Oh, God, I can't...

Can I have animal crackers,
please?

Animal crackers?

You don't get animal crackers
on planes.

I have a...
Where do you think you are?

Danny.

Danny, I have to talk to you
about something.

Wait a minute,
is your phone on?

Turn it off,
you're gonna crash the plane.

They just say that so the pilots
can hog all the Internet.

Listen,

I asked cliff
to move in with me,

and he said he would
"think about it."

Well, maybe he realizes
how important of a thing it is.

By the way,
you're supposed to be married

when you move in with someone.
What?

Oh, yeah, you're not catholic.
What are you again?

Like, an ottoman?

I'm obviously pretty sure
that I'm Hindu.

Oh, that's right, Hindu.

Look,
all I'm saying is,

you can't push a guy
into settling down.

Okay?

I'm so sorry.
You guys, it's so loud.

I'm sorry, everybody,
you guys are being so loud.

Okay.

♪ This ain't no disco

♪ All I wanna do is have
a little fun before I die ♪

Oh, my God, I love this!

Oh!

Oh, God.
What happened?

Someone just threw
a cigarette butt in my mouth.

Ugh!
That's illegal.

Doesn't matter.
I'm in such a good mood.

Hey, dig in my pocket
for a little bit.

I'm not gonna fall for that
again, okay?

Last time I did that,
you told me that there was

a butterscotch in there,
and I rooted around for...

Peter.
Thank you. Wow.

Can I return it for cash?

It's not for you, Mindy,
it's for Maria Menounos.

I was thinking about making
a romantic gesture today.

Oh, my God, I thought that was
just, like, a one-night stand,

you know, so she could,
like, hit rock bottom,

and then take a good,
hard look at her life?

The only rock bottom she's gonna
hit is mine, later tonight.

Damn!
You have a tight butt?

I got that rock-hard tush.

So you're, like, dating?

We have a connection.

But to be honest with you,
I feel like I might be

in love with her.
Is that crazy?

It's not, you know?

Really?

Yeah, man, check out
this beautiful place.

If it's gonna happen,
it's gonna happen here.

That's what they say
about L.A.

If you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere.

Hey, I don't know
what's going on,

but my key card's
not working.

Trying to get
back in my room.

Gonna put my cologne
in the safe.

I'm sorry, Dr. Castellano,
it says you already checked out.

No, you should check again,
'cause I'm here another night.

Evelyn, I'm gonna
handle this one.

Don't get mad at me, all right?
Excuse me.

Okay.
I checked you out of this hotel,

and I moved
most of your things

to the tiny room I'm at
at the Y.M.C.A.

What?
Why would you do that?

You have been cooped up
in your room all week

like the girl
from tangled.

This is our last night
in Los Angeles,

the city of "Angeles."

What's that mean?

Look, you've never taken
a vacation anywhere cool.

Don't let your dad
ruin your trip.

All right.

Yeah?

Okay, let's go.
Yes.

Okay, stop holding my hand,
okay?

I'm trying to protect you.

I don't need protection.
Just stop.

Peter, we are not
cool enough to shop here.

Everyone here
is, like, a minimum

of two different races.
I can't...

Hey, excuse me.

Do you have sneakers
with naked women on them?

That entire wall.

But don't leave me...
Hello, young man.

Do you carry
fat steps cankle wranglers?

They're for
the problematic foot.

Okay, you don't have to
look at me like that.

Hey, Mike, it's cool.
I know what she needs.

Men's size 9, double wide,
with orthotics in the arch.

What's up, babe?
Casey.

Gimme, gimme.
Okay.

Hi!
Hi.

Wow!
So you work at a shoe store.

Like Al Bundy.
That's pretty cool.

Uh, yeah, I mean,
not exactly Al Bundy,

although he is
a hero of mine.

Oh, thanks, man.
You get one for yourself?

Ye.
Nice.

Um, I own the place.

What?

So wow. Sneaker company, huh?
Mm-hmm.

That's cool.
That's very quirky.

What's next? Are you
gonna become, like, a chef,

or do... oh, like, online
comedy videos with your friends?

No, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Okay.

Okay, that's the old Casey.
I took your advice.

You said, "pick something
and stick with it."

So I did, and guess what.
I got a house on the beach now.

Wait.
Wait, what?

Uh-huh.
Seriously?

Yeah.
Like with a mortgage?

Yup. It's insane.

The seals will swim up
to my bedroom window

and go, "hey, yo, Casey,
it's time to wake up, dog.

Later."

Actually, it's more like...

And it's really annoying.

Whatever,
it's a beach house problem.

God, you even look taller.

I am taller.
What?

I had an adult-onset
growth spurt.

I... the doctor said it's rare,
but I guess it can happen

to people who are
really happy.

You're really happy now.

I gotta say yeah, I am.

Well, I'm actually
seeing somebody.

Okay, I had a bunch
of after-you hookups myself.

I mean, a dangerous amount,
so I should probably

be more careful,
get tested and stuff.

This is a real guy.

Oh.
It's a real thing.

We're moving in together.

Really?
The move in?

Oh, is it, um,
the guy you work with?

Sort of handsome?

Morgan?

Are you insane?

You two...
What is the matter with you?

What?
No, he's a hot lawyer

named cliff.
Okay, I'm sorry.

Hot lawyer, cliff,
I'm very excited for you.

Hey, what are you doing
tonight?

Dope feet's throwing
this, like, pool party.

We're launching
a new line of shoes.

They're ugly, but on purpose.
It's crazy.

You gotta roll through.

Wow, Hollywood pool party?
Yeah.

That sounds fun.
Yeah.

I shouldn't go, though.
What?

I actually have to
go over my notes

from this really interesting
course I took

on vaginal rejuvenation
for the obese.

Okay,
that sounds horrible,

but if you decide
to change your mind,

the password
to get into the party is,

"I think my friend's
in there."

Getting your pre-baby body
back is a nightmare

for a lot of new moms.

We caught up with new mamacita
Jamie-Lynn Sigler,

who invited me to her home
for about three weeks...

No, no, no, no.
No, no, Peter.

And she told...
Pat, is Maria Menounos here?

No, she's not, she's in Hawaii
with her boyfriend.

We talked to Jamie-Lynn
for about three hours

about getting her body back,
and you know...

Pat, I think there's been
some kind of mistake,

because we... me and Maria had,
like, a little bit of a...

Do I come to your office
and bother you?

What? No, I don't...
No. We saw...

I work in New York.
Ugh!

Oh, my God.

Pat, could you do me a favor
and just give her this, please?

He's got a gun!

I don't have a gun!

I don't have a...
Get on the ground!

Oh, my God!
You're a mall cop!

You have no right!

All right, goin' down.
Goin' down nice and slow.

You know, Peter, I wasn't
gonna go to Casey's party tonight,

but if it'll cheer you up...

Thanks, min.
This party is legit.

They have a pool,
slider bar.

I've always wondered
what it would be like

to eat a hamburger
while I was submerged in water.

You know what though?
Check to make sure

that it's a full toppings bar...

And not just shred led.
Mm-hmm.

I've been burned
on that before.

Hey, Mindy.

Oh!
Hey, cliff.

Hey!
You wanna hear some great news?

My co-worker came out
of the closet to his wife,

and she kicked him out.

Oh, my God.
Is he okay?

He's never been better,
but get this.

She can't stand to live
in their apartment anymore

because of how
all their memories are lies,

so...
The apartment's available.

Oh.
Okay, cool, cool.

Um, now, is this, say...

Is this an apartment
for two people?

Or is it for one person
to live by himself?

I'm... I'm still thinking
about that.

Yeah.
I still think it's a good idea.

I just need to think
about it some more, you know?

But... I'm thinking hard.

Hmm.

Hey, so how's L.A.?
How's the 90210?

Did you get breast implants?

Nope, I still have
my natural "Ds."

Ah.
Oh, but something really crazy

did happen.

When Peter and I
were out shopping,

guess who we ran into?
Casey.

Isn't that so random?

Apparently, he started this
shoe company called "dope feet."

"Dope feet."

Wait, what are you saying?
Are you mumbling something?

No, no.
What... no, go ahead.

You have nothing
to worry about, sweetheart.

He's way too tan right now.

You know I like my men
milky white.

All right, just...
Humor me, okay,

and don't have dinner with him
or anything like that.

We gotta go to this party.

Mindy?

Dinner? No!

I would never go to a restaurant
and have dinner with him.

Are you crazed?

Okay. Thanks.

'Kay. Bye.

Who did you just lie to?
What?

I think I know
someone in there.

Oh, my God,
this place was on entourage.

The guys came here...

After "e"
had that pregnancy scare.

Hey, there's Casey.

Hey.
Hey.

He wants us to go over there.
Let's go.

I... why don't we take a lap,
you know?

Just... you hang out.

Hi.
No, sorry.

I'm gonna get a drink first,
you know,

maybe get some sliders.

Yeah, okay.
We'll catch you later.

Mindy, you're acting
like a fun mom.

I'm gonna go skeez
on some models.

Hey, Casey, what up, dude?
Peter!

And now, Dr. "C,"
the best part of the studio tour,

old west town.

Hey, got something for ya.
What?

I stole this off the Ted Turner
at the wax museum.

Oh.

Ah, you look
like a mogul.

Okay, thank you, Morgan.
Yay.

That was really nice
of you.

Oh, my God, Morgan,
that is the whorehouse

that John Wayne got kicked out
of in Rooster Cogburn.

"Howdy, pilgrim."

Is that Obama?

No, it's John Wayne.
"Howdy, pilgrim."

Oh, God, yeah.
It's... it's really good.

Thanks, and you know what,
this is a lot of fun.

Yes, good.
You were right.

It's so much more fun
than sitting in the hotel,

hiding, avoiding my dad.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Mm-hmm.

Well, then you're gonna
really love

the next excursion
we have planned.

Are we going to the
Captain Phillips stunt show?

I'm telling you right now,
if you think

I'm gonna sit in the
splash zone, you're dreaming.

You're dreaming.

Yeah, no,
I called your dad,

and we're gonna join him
for dinner tomorrow.

You what?

I just don't get it, man.
It's so insensitive.

How do you serve sliders
to people like us, you know?

What do you mean,
"people like us"?

If you take
a normal hamburger,

it looks like a tiny slider
in our overweight, pudgy hands.

Okay, we're not the same.
We're not the same.

I'm like... I'm like an anthill,
and you're like a volcano.

Hey, man,
let me tell you something,

I think I was profiled
with food.

Is that mold?

Could be mold.
Bread's good though.

Are you kidding me? I'm right...
I'm, like, right here.

Sorry.
Just talking to this weirdo.

Oh,
that is so hurtful, man, I'm...

Shh! Eat your slider.

Why did you call my dad?
How did you call my dad?

Well, I thought
it'd be good for you,

and I got his number
from Richie,

'cause Richie and I
are in an email chain.

We trade slow cooker recipes.
He makes unbelievable carnitas.

Oh, Richie put you up
to this?

It's old west.

Hey, Richie,
it's your brother Dan.

Did you tell Morgan that
I should be in touch with dad?

Did you put him up to that?

Where are you right now?

I'm in a nightclub.

It's a Taylor Lautner
appreciation party.

Okay, look,
here's the thing...

Danny, you gonna see him,
or what?

Stop pushing it, Richie.
Stop pushing it.

I don't care about dad.
I don't want to see him.

I don't care about him.
How many times I gotta tell you?

Danny,
if you don't care so much,

why are you letting it
ruin your trip?

Okay, I think you need
to refresh your inbox.

I'm having a great time.
I just...

I just tried a B.L.T.
With avocado.

He hated it, Richie, he started
yelling about N.A.F.T.A.

Danny, you're in L.A.

If you don't do it now,
you're never gonna do it.

Look, I gotta go.
Ramon just swallowed a sparkler.

I love you.

Ri... Okay, so it...

Sounds like someone
owes someone an apology.

I'm not sure who, but we should
just say it at the same time,

that way, over.
One, two, three...

I'm sorry.
I'm mad at you.

One, two, three.
I'm s-s-s...

I'm extremely mad at you.

Sorry.
No.

I'm not sorry for anything,

'cause I didn't do
anything wrong.

You should be sorry.

I'm extremely mad at you,
Morgan!

Okay.
Okay, I'm going home,

I'm going back to the "Y."

Yeah, let's get outta here.
No, no, no.

You're staying here.

I-I don't have any money.

I left my money
in your underpants.

Find somewhere else
to sleep.

Dr. "C," don't leave me
in the old west!

Quick draw inn?

5¢?

All right.

So what's the deal? You guys
don't speak any English,

or are you just
ignoring me?

Nothing?

Hey, ladies,

our friend, Jerry Ferrara,
has a cabana right over there.

We have an array
of fresh-squeezed mixers

and a radish plate.

Great.
Perfect.

I'm sorry,
did you say Jerry Ferrara

from entourage is here?
Let me come to the cabana.

Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.
I mean, if there's room

once all the models
have seats, all right?

You know what,
I'll be right there.

Give me two seconds, I just
gotta deal with... Morgan!

Hey! Dr. "P.," hey!
Yeah, I see you.

Hey.
It's room 413.

How can I ever repay you?

Shut up!
Get off of me!

Turtle awaits.
All right, thank you.

Excuse me,
are you on the list?

I literally just
walked out of there.

Okay, gotcha, "P."
Allow me.

Hello, we were both
just in the party,

and we would like
to return.

I don't think so.

Okay.
Think I know what she wants.

Oh, do you?

Oh, my God. Damn it!

Can I have a little help?

There's gotta be 17¢,
18¢ down here.

Could all be yours.

Oh, come on, you've
gotta be kidding me.

Oh, this is nice.

Hey. I was waiting for a weirdo

to jump in here
so I could hop in.

Mm-hmm.
You avoiding me tonight?

No, no!
Not at all.

Okay, then why are you
looking around

like a nervous
crazy person?

Well, 'cause...
I-I am looking for a lifeguard.

Sure.
'Cause I'm all muscle

and I don't float,
so I'm worried for my safety.

Right, yeah, okay.
Good call, good call.

Hey, sorry if I came off
a little braggy earlier today.

I just... you know,
I'm nervous to see you,

and trust me, my beach house
is not that cool.

I've had five cats get eaten
by sharks already, and...

Oh, my God.

They're rescues.

Well, I have to admit,
I was trying to impress you too.

Yeah?

My boyfriend cliff...

Isn't real.
I know.

I figured that out
a long time ago.

No, he's real.
Cliff?

Yeah, he's real.
That's his name?

Your name's Casey.

It's not like that's
more probable.

Casey Jones
is a famous person.

I don't know any
famous "cliffs." Whatever.

No, it just... he's real,
but we don't live together.

I asked him
to move in with me,

and he said
he would think about it.

What? He hit you
with the "I'll think about it,"

and you stood for that?

We were living together
in a tent in Haiti,

and we had been dating,
what, three months?

Yes,
that's what I told him.

I wouldn't worry about it,
you know?

I figure, what's meant to be
is meant to be.

Thanks.

That looks like
your bathing suit.

It is.

What?

I thought we were
about to have sex.

What?

Casey! Casey!
I'm sorry.

What are you doing half...
Put your bathing suit back on!

We're in public.
Are you crazy?

I have a boyfriend.
Well, then what are you doing

getting half naked
with me in the pool?

Oh, g... oh, God!
Yeah.

Okay, my boob popped out.
She's out.

Okay, that's neither here
nor there.

It's there. It's...
Thank you.

What did you think
was gonna happen here?

I was getting
a "hey,

let's have sex in this pool
right now" vibe from you.

God,
take your bathing suit.

Okay.

Peter? Peter?

♪ Bom bom bom bom bom bom

Right?
We can joke like that, man,

'cause it's us and whatnot.

Hey, you looking for that dude
you were with before?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
he left.

What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I saw him go.
I remember one time,

like, Matt Damon
left me in the woods,

Matt Damon the act...

Hello? Just kidding!

It's a machine.
Leave a message.

Hey, min, call me back.

I need your advice.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, is this
Allen Castellano?

Yeah, it is.
Who's this?

It's your son, Danny.

God.

Hey.

Hey, sweetie,
I know it's really late,

but can we talk?

Yeah, sure.

If you're not ready to move in,
I don't care.

Okay?
You're a great guy.

Your skin is soft and tender
like a veal.

I don't know, I don't want
to mess things up,

'cause they're going so well,
you know?

Hello?

Was it weird
that I called you a veal?

No, you know, I was actually
gonna call you today.

I was gonna say,
"what the hell?"

I care about you so much,
and I miss you,

and let's do this.
Let's move in together.

Really?
That's so great!

Mindy, Mindy, stop, stop.

I can't see you anymore.

Wait, what?

You promised me that you weren't
gonna see him, and you did.

There are photographers
at celebrity pool parties,

Mindy.

Cliff, cliff,
you don't understand.

Nothing happened!

I shouldn't have gone,
but nothing happened.

I'm sorry,
but I don't trust you.

I'm a divorce attorney.
I watch marriages fall apart

every single day, Mindy.

And where there's no trust,
there's no relationship.

Cliff, what are you saying?
You're completely overreacting!

We can either break up now,

or we can do it
three years from now.

I'm just doing us a favor.

No, cliff, wait.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, good-bye.

Wait! Wait!