The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - All My Problems Solved Forever... - full transcript

After years as a high-profile
doctor in the main Manhattan hospital,

balancing work and dating ♪

this summer, I gave it all up
to move to Haiti.

Haiti's not that different
from New York City,

except not as many people
scream at you,

and it smells much better.

The best part,
is that I'm here with my amazing boyfriend

he's a minister
no big deal.

We live together,
we shop together.

We even carpool
to work together.

We're basically
an old married couple,



except we're young and hot.

Oh! I bought stationery
that has my name on it,

and I correspond with people like a grownup.

I've been able to keep
close tabs on my life back home,

thanks to an old form of email
called "mail."

Morgan's been sending me
care packages,

but I think someone's been
stealing my peanut butter cups.

♪

I feel a little guilty about
leaving the practice.

I just hope they are not falling apart without me.

[Applause]

I guess Danny's too busy
enjoying his second honeymoon

to keep me up on my favourite TV shows.

But that's okay.



We've gotten addicted
to Haiti's biggest reality hit,

the real houseflies of
port-au-prince.

♪

I guess it's safe to say that
I don't miss New York at all.

How could I? Everything's great.

Except when my boyfriend
wakes me up at 5:00 A.M.

To see the Haitian sunrise.

Look at you.

If, six months ago,
I'd said,

"hey, let's
climb a tree

and check out
this beautiful-ass sunrise,"

you'd punch me
in the crotch, right?

I'm not happy
about it now.

But...
You barely hate it.

Yeah, I mean, it looks...
Right?

It looks
like a douche ad.

Not exactly the best segue
I was looking for.

There's ants
on this.

Mindy...

[Gasps]

- Stop.
- Listen.

Are you kidding me?

No. Hey.

I wanna vine this.

I... people should...
Okay.

Mindy, when I first
met you, I thought,

"this is probably gonna be
a fling," you know,

based on your
body type alone.

But I thought it'd be
a fun little detour, you know.

"We'll go off-roadin',

just head up the dune
and see what happens."

But it wasn't a detour.

This was my path.

I love you.

Mindy Lahiri,
will you marry me?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Can I... can I?

Put it on...

'Cause I see
a lady in this tree

that should be
having my baby.

- Mm! Mm!
- Whoa, oh!

[Thud] (Mindy) Oh, God.

(Casey) It is so hot
that you're gonna be my wife.

But let me warn you.
Mm-hmm?

My family has a lot
of heart disease.

Yeah?

I could die while we're
doin' it or something.

Mm... ow! Oh, God.
What's up?

- What is it?
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, it's my stomach.
- Mindy...

Hey, come on,
five minutes.

- Five...
- Okay, just two.

All I need is two.
I can take care of everything.

Yeah, yeah, okay,
and I'm horny, too,

'cause you're gonna
be my husband.

- Mm! Oh, God!
- What?

Oh, I'm close, too.
Damn it, no...

- No, ow!
- What?

[Pained groan]
Mindy...

Come on.
Hey, hey, Mindy?

Mindy...
Mindy...

Hi.

Hi.

[Screams]

Oh, oh, g...
Oh, shh, quiet!

Quiet, no, no, no, no.
Quiet! Stop, stop!

Oh, w-we're fine!

[Upbeat music]

Shh, mm, quiet,
quiet, quiet, quiet.

I've been snow white-ing
you for the past hour.

- Shh.
- You all good?

There you go.
Where am I?

You're in
New York City!

Got airlifted
out of Haiti

to have emergency
gallbladder surgery.

Okay, that makes sense.
Yeah.

What did you bring me
from Haiti?

[Sighs]
I brought you nothing.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
order something online,

and maybe you can
reimburse me?

No. No.
Tell me how much I can spend.

150? $200?
No. No, no, no, no.

I'm not... I'm not gonna
buy you anything, no...

Shh, shh, shh.
I'm not gon... I'm not...

[Muffled protests] Can
we get some jell-o in here?

You want something?

(Paul)
I wanna do a little exercise.

I want you to tell us

five things you find beautiful
about your penis.

Hey, you guys mind
if I go kill myself?

Danny, this is
sex therapy.

We're supposed
to talk about sex.

Or, in our case,
lack thereof.

Okay, okay, we... that's
private between me and you.

Danny, Danny, Danny...
What?

Now, this isn't gonna work
unless you're open.

For example,
Christina's erotic journal

was comprehensive,
suspenseful,

and, frankly, moving.
Thank you.

While yours,
on the other hand,

was just a rant
about airport security

and a trick play
for the jets.

Now, let's talk
about your sperm.

[Aggravated sigh]

Notice their behavior.

They're listless.
They're unhappy.

They're apathetic.

But they are
perfectly healthy.

Then why'd you say
all that other stuff first?

Just the way I talk.

Now, I took the liberty

of putting my own sperm
on a slide

for means of comparison.

[Funky music]
Mm! Mm-mm!

Check 'em out.

Got attitude.

They're like kids

playing in an open
fire hydrant in the '70s.

Thank you, Paul.
Put it away.

So how do we get
your sperm more excited?

- Eh...
- Danny's not very adventurous.

He really likes
to do it missionary.

Missionaries are
extremely adventurous.

You know who else
is adventurous?

Cowgirls.
Reverse cowgirls.

Okay.

The next time
either one of you

is in the mood,

I want you
to pop in this cd.

I've had a lot
of luck with it.

It won a grammy.

What? Stop eating
cheese for a second.

You look really different.
Thank you.

I'm glad
somebody noticed.

Yeah, I got
my teeth whitened.

I mean, it bloody hurt,
actually,

but they look fantastic.

Yeah, she's not talking
about your teeth, buddy.

She's talking
about your fat.

I am.
I am talking about that.

Since you abandoned us
for Haiti,

and Danny went to Jersey,
wherever that is,

I was forced to assume
the role of managing partner.

Now, in times
of extreme stress,

I turn to food.

When I did my "a" levels,

I was the size
of a small ski chalet.

Is that unforgivable?

Why don't you
leave him alone?

He's a human being
with feelings.

Okay.

Want to see if his fatness
can hold this pen?

Oh, wow,
'cause you're perfect!

Aren't you?

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, Tamra,
where is everybody?

Did they go to
that ethnic street fair?

I told them not to go.

No, they all went
to visit

that Indian doctor
who used to work here.

She's real sick.

What's her name again?
I wanna say glob.

Mindy?

I really think
it's glob.

She's back.
She's sick?

I don't know.

All right, all right,
what did you do?

What'd you do, get drunk
and sass a voodoo princess?

Try to get your groove back
with some street kid?

- What happened?
- No, no, no, no, no.

She's fine.

I just had
some gallstones removed.

I'm fine.
[Relieved sigh]

Did you run here?
No, I just...

You're sweating out of
your armpits so much.

I couldn't get a cab,
and then I...

So how was the Caribbean?

Did you lose
any wet t-shirt contests?

Okay, I would win every wet
t-shirt contest I entered.

Yeah, because I have
huge knockers,

and they look great damp.
Okay, that's enough.

But I think you're referring
to my charity trip in Haiti.

Do you wanna see pictures?
Yeah.

This is the hospital
I built in Haiti.

Wait a minute, wait.
Isn't that beautiful?

Wow, I've never seen
photos on your phone

of anybody but you.

Hey, you guys.
Hey!

I was out getting some
of our favorite stuff

we can't get in Haiti,

so, for me, a little candy
and some beer.

And for you...

[Whispers]
Prescription dandruff shampoo.

Yes.
I got you, girl.

You tell him the good news?
I did not.

Guys, I lost three pounds
of water weight from diarrhea.

Oh! I knew
you looked good.

Babe, the, uh,
other news.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Casey proposed to me.

Aah!
[Laughs]

Oh, my God!
Isn't that great?

- Aah!
- Huh?

Shotgun...
Best man.

(Ken burns)
And enjoyment of the people.

Ken burns does it again.

All right,
good night, babe.

Okay.
[Clears throat]

What are you doing?

Ah.

Yeah.
Nah, I'm not...

Come on.
I was in the mood before,

but then I had
the chicken pot pie.

And I just... I'm full,

and I'm... and I'm just...
I'm kind of bloated.

No, we're gonna try
Dr. leotard's cd.

Let's not do it now.
We'll do it...

Okay, we're do...
We're gonna do it now.

We're gonna do it now.

(Paul)
Hello, lovemakers.

Let us now begin
our 55-minute erotic adventure.

55 minutes?
Are you kidding me?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Groans]

No, no, no, no, no.
Danny, you said you'd try.

Okay, it's just...
Let's go, let's go.

(Paul)
Touch your partner's earlobe.

- Silky, is it not?
- Let's do it. Come on.

(Paul) Longing for stimulation?
It is the clitoris of the head.

Yeah, okay, this is...
Let's just stop.

I'm not a sex maniac
who can just turn it on

after I ate an entire pie
stuffed with chicken.

Okay.
All right?

So I'm gonna go to
the multi-purpose room

and just... reply to
some emails right now.

(Paul) Now we focus
on our sex groans.

[Groans]
That's good!

So you're cool
if we get married

at my parents' country club
in Pasadena, right?

It's just...
It's just, my grandma,

she thinks
my grandpa's ghost

still roams
the trophy room there.

You know I told my dad
I'd get married

somewhere on
the freedom trail.

He's, like, a huge
revolutionary war buff,

and he loves Boston.

Okay.
Oh, man.

And we're gonna
have to fly in

all my extended family
from India.

I can't wait
for them to meet

my racist family
from Pasadena.

This thing is gonna be
crazy expensive.

You know that, right?

What if we just...
Dialed it back,

did something simple here,

before we even go
back to Haiti.

I'm sorry, this week?
Ah.

Don't you think
that's kind of rushed?

Took me longer to get
my permit for my handgun.

I'm just saying that
this right here...

Us...
This is all we need.

We don't need some crazy,
extravagant party.

You know what?
Since going to Haiti,

I don't need the things
I used to need.

- I just need you.
- There's my girl.

Why don't you help me

cut myself out of
my medical gauze diaper?

- Mm-hmm.
- That I got during my surgery.

Yeah, you know what,
maybe we should just snuggle.

Hey, guys.

Ah!

Uh-uh, I told you,

we don't want no candy bars,
little boy.

Uh, it's Dr. Lahiri,
Tamra.

I've worked here
for many years.

I actually hired you.
Great to see you.

(Paul)
You must be Mindy Lahiri.

[Serene classical music]

Whoa. Who is that?

Cool your jets.
You're engaged.

A person is walking
into the room.

I'm just looking at him.

[Classical music resumes]

♪

- Stop.
- What?

Is this the Taliban?

I can't look
at a man anymore?

Mindy Lahiri.

Dr. Paul leotard.

Well, hi.

So nice to meet you.
Ohh...

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi.

If I may say,

you are, like,
crazy... bangable hot.

I don't understand
why you're a doctor.

You could be a model.
Anybody can be a doctor.

I actually did think
about modeling,

until I was scouted,
and I became a model.

That's interesting.
Actually,

the same thing
kinda happened to me.

No, it didn't,
it didn't.

If I could model,
I wouldn't be in this dump

with these losers.

I'd be on a yacht
with Robin Thicke

and he'd spray me
with champagne.

It just didn't
jibe with me.

Then, one day,

I was walking down
the runway so high on "E"

I actually walked off the stage.
[Gasps]

I mean, normally,
that would kill a person.

What is it, like,
two feet?

- He said it would kill a person.
- Oh, sorry.

Shut up.
When suddenly...

This beautiful,
glowing angel caught me.

Now, who was that angel?

An eight-month
pregnant woman.

I never found out
who she was.

I know she did ad sales
for instyle.

Anyway, from
that moment on,

I realized
my life's purpose:

I was meant
to guide babies

down the original runway,

the human birthing out.

That's an amazing story.

Yeah, it tears me up.
I've heard it a bunch,

and I still get
emotional about it.

Show her the big smile.
What?

Show her
your million-watt smile.

Don't embarrass me.
Just... come on.

Right now, right now.
Aw, come on.

Show her your smile!
Come on, you.

Look at that,
look at that.

There it is.
Looks great.

Best smile... Dr. L.
Yes, thank you.

I'm sorry, did you
just call him "Dr. L."?

Uh, Dr. leotard.

But I'm
actually Dr. L.

Oh. Yeah. God.

I-I-I've been Dr. L.
For years, so...

Ah, yeah...
Hey, I got it.

We will call you "big L."

- Big L. That's cute.
- Perfect.

That is perfect
for you.

That is cute.

No, it doesn't
make any sense,

because I'm, like,
a tiny, dainty bird, so...

No, it's good, you know?
You'd, like,

break through a wall
and be like,

"big L.!
Ohh, yeah."

It doesn't
make any sense.

- People wouldn't understand it.
- Big personality.

Big appetite.
People wouldn't get it.

Okay, I better
get to work.

Duty calls.

- But it was so nice to meet you.
- Great to meet you.

What an honor
to take your place.

Thank you.

Oh. Hungry L.

Use a different area.
Don't...

Not just
how much I eat.

So you're really
getting married this week, huh?

Yeah. It's easy,
it's chill, it's great.

Chill and easy?
Okay, Tony hawk.

Look, I don't think
it's a good idea for you,

but, you know.

You know what? Just please
be supportive of me,

and be a good friend.

- Danny?
- Hey.

Do you have a second?
Yeah.

Uh, Mindy...

No, she can stay.

In fact, why doesn't
everyone come in?

Wanna come in here?

So, today I went
on your computer

to find
your mother's address,

and what do you think I discover
in your browser history?

What's a browser history?

It's a list of
all the sites you visited.

Oh, no.

Those things are
famously inaccurate.

You didn't know it existed
two seconds ago.

Pornography, Danny!
[Erotic music playing]

You don't wanna
have sex with me,

but you have plenty
of time for this?

I was looking at that

in a dispassionate,
very academic way, okay?

Is that why you were searching
"topless Kate Upton"?

"Topless Rita Moreno"?

Yes, "topless," like in
"riding in a convertible."

[Murmured disagreement]

- No? Okay.
- Do you even want to be with me?

Yes.

Too long.
[Gasps]

That's for
wasting my time.

What's the big deal?

I masturbate all the time.
I did during this discussion.

(Danny) I gotta make this right.
We own a house together.

We booked a leaf-watching trip
in the berkshires.

Who's gonna explain
Colbert to me?

I mean...
Is he a real guy?

Dr. C.,
you need to do

what Kobe did
when he messed up.

Get that girl
a 10-pound ring.

Great idea.
I need to propose to her

so she knows that I'm all-in.
Great.

Oh, God, a double
doctor wedding.

This is every medical
secretary's dream.

Okay, good, I'm gonna
take care of this.

Okay, I'm sorry,
am I the only person here

who thinks this
is a really bad idea?

Okay, look,
let's not do this.

Nobody asked you, okay?

I mean,
I'm just saying. Okay?

This is a woman who came
and destroyed your computer,

embarrassed you in front of
all of your co-workers,

and your solution is to spend
the rest of your life with her?

I'm not gonna take advice
from a woman who can't even

hold on to her
non-essential organs, okay?

Just focus on
your own wedding.

(Mindy)
Ah, my wedding day.

There's a certain charm
to a simple wedding.

Not exactly what I wanted,
but just what I needed.

That sounds like
something people say,

and though I'm surrounded
by my coworkers

and people I frankly
don't even like,

all that matters is me,

my fiance,
and the look in his eyes

when he sees me for the first
time in my wedding dress.

[Urine trickling]
Casey!

Oh! What? Oh! Sh...

Ahh! Ahh!
Oh!

Oh, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.

You just peed on
my wedding dress!

I am sorry.
You scared me.

It sprays harder
when I'm scared.

Stop peeing
and get out of here!

No, I can't...
And don't look at me!

No, I can't stop
once I've started.

- I'll die.
- What?

- I will stop, I'm sorry... okay.
- Get out.

Get out, get out.
I will die.

Wait, no, no, no...
Stop peeing.

Oh, shoot, I'll
clean that later.

This is a nightmare.

Hey, Morgan,
you seen Mindy anywhere?

No, no. Hey...

Thank you for
throwing a wedding

where I feel comfortable.

Yeah, man.
Glad you're having fun.

I feel accepted
in my tracksuit.

You know,
no one's judging me

for digging
into the cake early.

It's just... it's nice.

Just, like, low stakes.
Man, have fun, whatever.

Uh-huh.

I like
these one-on-one talks.

All right.

Mindy?

Mindy...

Are you wearing
a bed sheet?

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be
proposing to Christina

on a gondola in the middle of
the gowanus canal or something?

That's offensive.
I was gonna do it...

But... I didn't.

I love her, but when
it comes down to it...

Just being with her
every day... I just...

Wasn't happy.

I think you made
the right decision.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Can I confess something?
Sure.

I don't want to
go back to Haiti.

I mean, I like the work
that I was doing there,

but I-I just...
I miss being here.

I knew you were unhappy.

- Really? How?
- Yeah.

Well, you wrote me,
like, every week, so...

More like you wrote me
every week.

I have a stack of letters
from you this high.

What are you
talking about?

You kept them all?
You're such a stalker.

I like the way
you write letters.

You don't ramble on
like you do when you talk.

You know, I really thought
that I changed, but I didn't.

I just got good
at pretending

to like things
that I don't like.

The guy you're
about to marry.

I'm not.

Then go get married.
What are you doing out here?

Yeah, there's actually pee
all over my wedding dress.

I'm gonna blow past that.
I don't...

- I surprised him, and he peed on it.
- I don't... I'm good.

You know what I always thought
you looked nice in?

[Dreamy pop cover
of Madonna's borderline]

♪

♪ Something in the way
you love me ♪

♪ Won't let me be

♪

♪ I don't want
to be your prisoner ♪

♪ So, baby, won't you

♪ Set me free?

Hey, hold up.
Stop the track.

[Music stops]

Just, Mindy,
I don't want to marry you.

[Others gasping]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I mean like this.
I do want to marry you.

I want to marry her.
Sorry.

Why would you
say it like that?

I know, I'm sorry, not cool.
Shouldn't have said it like that.

[Stammers]
But this wedding

is not cool either,
right?

I do not care about a fancy,
expensive wedding, Casey.

No, it's not that
this isn't expensive.

It's that it's not you.

You wanna come out of
a pumpkin carriage

carried by four gay dudes,
like Cleopatra.

No, I don't.

You don't want to have
a wedding in our apartment.

We should be
renting out the plaza,

and it should be
so fancy that bane,

from the Batman movies,

busts in through a skylight,

slits my throat,

and then takes you
as prisoner.

Tom Hardy takes me
as his sex prisoner?

- No, that's the actor. Bane, the character.
- Sorry, yeah.

Which is why I don't think
you should come back to Haiti.

What?

The wedding you deserve,
it's expensive, right?

- Yeah.
- And I make, like, nothing.

So I-I should stay here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and then down the line...

I mean, pastors, we are
paid in the afterlife, okay?

- Okay.
- So we'll have a McMansion...

- Perfect.
- We'll have a fountain.

- Great.
- We'll be living in heaven heights.

Yeah, and I'm gonna stay here.
That sounds great.

[Sighs in relief]
Thank you. I love you.

I love you.

(As bane)
Mindy, I've killed Casey.

Okay, that's scary good.

[Dreamy pop music]

♪

Hi, Mindy.
Oh, God.

Are you kidding me?

You have
a very light tread.

Yeah, I'm part Cherokee.

Not me.

I have an extremely
heavy tread.

When I walk around,
I'm like,

stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp.

They can't even rent out
the apartment below me.

So, what happened?
Did you miss your flight?

No, actually, I am not
going to Haiti anymore.

You're not?

- No. Yeah.
- Well...

For what it's worth,
I think you dodged a bullet.

I didn't want to
say anything before,

but that guy has
big-time gay face.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I am still engaged.

That's a good choice, too.
I'm gonna stay here.

Yeah.
Yeah, he's heterosexual.

So am I, so...
Oh, fantastic.

And... and...
So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be a doctor.

Cool.
Where are you gonna work?

Here,
at the practice.

Where are you gonna work?

Here, at the practice.

Huh.
Huh.

(Man)
Go to bed.