The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Other Dr. L - full transcript
As Mindy adjusts to her long-distance relationship with Casey, she also must adjust to the fact that she is no longer the office's "Dr. L" - her office, patients and dignity have been overtaken by Dr. Paul Leotard - so she challenges Paul to get her former life back. Meanwhile, Danny has a new extracurricular activity following his breakup with Christina.
Hey, sweetheart.
How was your day?
I had a rough
day here in Haiti.
I was walking
down the street,
and a baby bat
flew into my mouth.
Well, it's a good thing
for you
that I planned
a very sexy chat tonight.
You like the movie
varsity blues, right?
I'm an American male
between the age
of 6 and 93, yeah.
Do you remember
the whipped cream bikini?
I remember it.
Oh. Oh!
Very cool, I see
what's happening here.
Well, I'm gonna go get prepared.
See you soon.
Don't forget
the cherries.
Babe?
Yeah?
Are you ready to get your?
Blow it.
Ready or not, here I come.
Oh!
What's up
with the one-piece?
Hmm?
It's just pretty modest,
is all.
Babe, I started
with a string bikini,
but I thought that
looked skanky, okay?
Yeah, the whole point
is be skanky.
Well, I just don't know
who's watching this, you know,
the NSA, that hot
Edward Snowden guy.
I don't want this
to be on, like, WikiLeaks.
It just kinda looks like a bathing suit
my grandma might wear.
Grandma with benefits,
maybe?
You are confusing
my "B" right now, okay?
Well, this is not gonna
confuse your "B".
The crotch
is made out of taffy.
Okay.
And you don't even want to know
where I hid the gummy bear.
Girl, you sure
know my candies.
I have
these little nonpareils,
and I put...
Oh, my God.
Ah! Ah!
What?
Casey,
there's ants on me!
Go to the shower,
take your laptop...
Ah! Honey, honey!
And then let me see you
just rinse it off.
Help!
Sexy, though.
Help me!
Ah! Casey! Casey!
Sweetie, okay.
Help me! Casey!
Oh, sweetie.
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Welcome back to work, Big L!
Nope, that is not
my nickname.
For the last time,
my name is Dr. L.
Big L brought doughnuts
for everyone!
Nope, not Big L.
I'm a tiny, dainty woman,
and these donuts are my lunch.
Oh, hi, Mindy.
Can I help you?
Yeah, you can help me
by actually
getting all of your stuff
out of my office.
Or you know what,
you could do it by yourself,
and then I could go rest,
because I actually
hurt my tricep yesterday
trying to cut a steak.
Why am I getting the stuff
out of my office?
Look,
you are a great guy,
and your hair looks
professionally mussed,
and you deserve
an awesome office,
except this one is mine.
Okay.
All right,
let me just check something.
Thank you so...
I really appreciate this.
I really want
to help you.
Oh, shoot!
I am busy all day
not giving a damn!
And it looks like
I'm just booked all week
not caring about this.
Yeah, that just continues
all the way to 2060.
That's really cute.
Here's a tip, though.
Don't try to out-cute
the cutest person
in this office.
Are you cuter than this?
I wuv hugs.
I hated that.
I hated that.
That was disgusting.
Jeremy?
Jeremy.
You are managing partner,
which until this moment,
I did not
care about at all.
Good morning.
Good morning,
your majesty.
Continue.
Okay.
Please fire Paul.
Please, immediately.
No, nope.
Why would I fire the best thing
to ever happen to this practice?
Okay, he stole my office,
and he made me feel uncool.
Well,
that's his office now.
You were supposed to be
gone a year,
but you got back from club med
eight months early.
It was a service trip
to the worst place in the world.
The worst place in the world
is Fenway Park.
Look, I let Paul
move into my apartment
when Christina and I
moved to Jersey,
but now we're broken up.
You don't see me
asking for my apartment back.
You should!
He's probably having
cocaine snowball parties
with models in there.
Ugh!
The reason I hired Paul
is because he's a good doctor
and the patients all love him.
He was featured on the cover
of New York magazine.
So what?
I was profiled
in the New York post.
Remember when I found
that thumb in my taco?
The new Dr. L helped me
and my boyfriend cosign a loan.
We love Dr. L!
Mmm.
Oh, you do?
You love Dr. L
so much 'cause
he cosigned your loan?
That's enough, okay?
You did not even
look up from your Sudoku
when I went to Haiti.
Dr. L,
it's the hospital.
Eva Castillo
is in labor.
I am on it.
I'm on it.
She's my patient.
Paul, you are
her current doctor.
You go to the hospital.
- Right.
- Sorry.
Yeah.
Go get 'em, Dr. L.
Okay, I have no office,
I have no patients,
I have this horrible
short haircut,
my name is not
Dr. L anymore,
and I have a U.T.I.
From discount whipped cream.
You and me both,
sister.
Mindy, you do have an office.
Ta-da.
No.
This is a hobbit hole
where old computers go to die.
No, this is a fixer-upper
with tons of charm.
Plus, you get exclusive access
to the hot pipe
where Morgan
dries his bathing suit.
How am I supposed to see
patients in here?
Well, the good news is, you
don't have any at the moment.
The bad news is
your hair is on fire.
Your hair is on fire! Get out!
Come on! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh, my God!
Hey, I have to make
a total run-of-the-mill trip
to the post office, and I don't
want to be questioned about it.
Okay.
All ri...
Oh, hey,
say hi to Jan
for me.
What?
Ooh!
My house is
right by there.
Could you stop
and get my chapstick?
No, I'm not doing that.
I'm gonna run to the post office
by myself.
I'm gonna do my own business,
and then... and then...
So I'm not gonna be reachable
by phone or text.
Okay?
Thanks, guys, awesome.
Anybody else find that
a bit odd?
No, it's not odd.
I'm not in love with Jan.
Sometimes, I will mail
an empty box just to see her,
but that doesn't mean I'm in love
with her. No, no, no, no, no.
This is the third time
this week
Danny has disappeared
with some flimsy excuse.
Follow him.
That's what Ray Ron
does with me.
If he didn't,
I'd cheat on him.
Right.
All right.
Open, open, open, open,
right here.
Here, here, here, here!
Go.
Ow!
Oh, sorry.
Ugh!
You all right, Tom?
No.
Okay, my bad, man.
That was your bad.
All right, let's go.
Hey, man,
what are you doing here?
You've been sneaking off
every day
to play "basketsball"
with these miserable losers?
These are my true friends
right here.
I mean, we're all
recently single.
We call ourselves
the "getting over it" gang.
Great name for a gang.
Oh! Ow!
Hey, foul, man.
Kris Humphries, no dunking!
Wnba rules!
Give me the gun.
What gun?
What are you talking about?
This is clearly
a suicide ring.
No, it's not.
Suicide?
Yeah, would a suicidal loser
drain a shot
like this?
Trey!
Oh!
My bad.
Game over, guys, I'm sorry.
All right,
let's bring it in!
All right, come on,
let's bring it in.
Come on, guys, come on.
All right.
Okay.
Just because we don't have wives
doesn't mean
we don't have lives.
Single and cool!
Single and cool!
Single and cool!
Yes!
All right, fellas, way to go!
Ah.
Hey.
Hi.
For you.
No, wait, don't go yet,
don't go yet!
What's going on
out there?
Just work stuff.
Yeah?
Wait, tell me about...
Is it daylight out?
Oh, yeah, no,
it's actually gorgeous.
Dr. L just took us
for some frozen yogurt.
An impromptu frozen yogurt trip?
No one invited me.
Oh, you've been gone
so long,
and your office is here
in Siberia now, so...
Oh.
Oh, oh,
got something for you.
Just gotta let
these bad boys dry.
I had water aerobics today.
Ah! Ah!
Put this here.
If they fall down,
just put 'em back up, please.
I'm gonna keep the door closed,
because it bums the patients out
to see this room.
Okay.
Bye.
Cool, he can do magic.
Do you know who else
does magic?
The clown that molested
my cousin,
and we're not all
fawning over him, are we?
Okay, relax.
Just don't be mad at Dr. L
because he's fun.
You're also fun.
Am I?
Tell me, why?
God, yeah,
you're so much fun.
He's always dieting,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
And when you eat,
you're like,
"I want three pizzas!
Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!"
Oh, my God.
You know?
His farts are like...
Yours are like...
Pbbt!
Um, can I have
another drink, please?
I'm very depressed.
Oh, right there.
That's another reason.
He's a total lightweight.
You can drink.
I mean, you can hold your liquor
like an Irish police Captain.
He is like, "I had one beer.
I have to go home."
That's very interesting.
He's a lightweight.
I'm glad you came out.
Gotta say, I did not know
you'd be bringing these.
Uh, well, look,
I know they made a bad
first impression yesterday,
but they're good guys, okay,
and they're helping me
get over Christina.
Yeah, I know.
From the ladies.
Oh, wow, hey.
Thanks very much, girls.
Thanks for the drinks.
Thank you very much,
ladies.
This is what we think
of your drinks.
Not the... Tom, whoa. Yeah.
You don't pick us.
We pick you!
Whoa, Tom, Tom.
Bounce!
Tom, they seem nice enough.
Oh, no, yeah,
they seem nice enough.
The next thing you know,
we go home with these girls,
then you're married,
and then you find a condom
in your dog poop.
Then you go, "whoa, was somebody
having sex with my dog?"
Then you realize, no.
Your wife is having sex
with someone,
and your dog ate
the condom.
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And...
We'll just hang
with the guys.
All right.
Danny?
Yeah?
Quick, quick,
quick, quick word.
Yeah, sure.
Tom is unhinged.
No, no, I know, but...
Yeah, he's insane.
Okay.
Yes, I admit, that was
a very chilling story,
but he's gone through a lot.
I mean, look at him.
Just like me,
just like all these guys.
Listen to me,
if I wanted to be depressed,
I would have stuck
to my original plan
of eating a waffle
in the bath.
Hey, guys, you know
what I think we should do
is we should do, like,
a doctor vs. Doctor shots-off!
What?
d Oh, we got a shots-off
goin' on d
Oh, Tamra sang
the shots-off song,
and once you sing the song,
you have to do the shots-off.
It is true.
Those are the rules
of the office.
Did they tell you that?
I love this.
I love office traditions.
Unfortunately,
I can't do a shots-off.
I-I already had
a beer, so...
One beer?
Oh, are you scared,
'cause you can't hold
your alcohol?
She's getting in your head.
Take her down!
Nobody baby-talks me.
Bring on the shots!
Whoo!
Yeah!
And, of course, if I win,
then I'll get my office back,
and I can be called
Dr. L again.
Whoa!
Yeah, bitch,
bring on the shots!
Whoa.
Whoa!
Another shot, please.
Another shot, please.
How are you doing this?
I ate an entire loaf of bread
before I came here tonight.
Oh, so you knew
we were going to do this?
Nope, I just do that
every night, dog.
Flaming shot!
Flaming shot! Oh!
Oh!
Yes! Yes!
Hey, Danny, guess what.
What?
I won my office back.
Congratulations.
Did you do it through alcohol?
Yeah, maybe, maybe.
Okay, I don't like that.
That's all right.
Look who's here.
Hey, Tom.
How's it going?
Good.
Hey, you look great.
Thanks.
Whoa! Hey!
Is that
an engagement ring?
Yeah, it is.
I did it.
I got engaged.
That's...
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you.
So happy for you.
Hey, okay, I feel your penis
against my thigh.
Tom, Tom.
Oh. Who's the lucky guy?
Okay.
His name is Casey.
Actually, you know him.
Oh, yeah, he kicked my ass.
I remember that.
But he's not here
right now.
He's in Haiti.
We're doing long distance.
Oh, I see.
While the cat's away,
the mouse will troll for ween
in a dive bar.
You're on weenis patrol,
lieutenant.
I'm not
on weenis patrol.
Get out of the car,
please.
Get out of the pants,
please.
I-I'm gonna go.
Will you hang out with us?
Will you hang out
with me?
What?
Okay.
So happy for you.
I'm gonna... they were
calling me over a second ago.
Who's calling you?
No one's calling you.
Some of my co-workers.
Bye.
No...
Bye, Danny.
Bye-bye.
I won the shots-off.
I shouldn't have
to take you home.
Mindy.
Yeah?
I have a secret.
I have a secret to tell you.
Okay, this better be good,
'cause your last couple secrets
were really lame.
Okay.
I've never seen a movie.
You're kidding me.
No.
You were talking
about goonies yesterday.
That is such a lie.
Here.
Paul, come on.
Come on, stand up.
I'm gonna just
check for keys.
Okay, all right.
Let's... okay.
Okay, there we go.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Okay, Paul,
I cannot find your keys,
so I'm gonna just
leave you here to sober up,
mmm.
And then tomorrow,
I can... yeah.
Mm, Mindy.
Thanks
for taking me home.
No problem.
You're the best.
You're... not as bad
as I thought you were.
Whoa, mama!
Okay, shh, shh, no.
Help me!
Shh, shh, quiet!
Whoa!
Quiet, nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
Oh!
Shh, you're fine.
You're fine, you liked it.
Neighbors!
Shh! Shh! What?
Oh, no, no!
Get her!
She's getting away!
Paul?
Hey!
Christina's here.
Why aren't you wearing
your pants?
Don't worry,
they're just in my keys.
I'm just dropping
some of Danny's stuff off,
mostly leather jackets
and John Grisham novels.
Well, pull up a chair,
mon frere.
Time to have
a little chat.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Let's get you inside.
Yeah.
Yeah? Sound good?
Let's do it.
Upsy-Daisy.
Ooh!
Oh, Christina.
I'm so sorry
Danny ruined your life.
Thanks.
Mmm, you smell nice.
See ya, bad office.
Mindy, Mindy,
I have to talk to you, okay?
Look, I know it hurts
when you lose a shots-off.
I been there.
Actually, no, I haven't,
'cause I never lost
a shots-off.
Hey...
Listen to me!
I had sex with Christina
last night.
Danny's Christina?
What is wrong with you?
I was blackout drunk,
thanks to you.
She showed up, boom boom.
Happened.
Sex doesn't just happen
like that.
There's, like,
a whole process.
You have to brush your teeth,
you have to pluck that one hair
that's growing
out of your breast,
you have to make sure
your underwear isn't weird.
It's been nice knowing you.
You're gonna die in about
15 seconds when Danny finds out.
No, no,
no, no, no.
You are an accessory
to sex.
Okay, fine,
he cannot know about this.
Okay.
Okay?
Agreed.
Okay, good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen.
This secret,
it's a real secret.
It's not like
one of those lame secrets
you were telling me
last night.
Wait, I didn't tell you
that I slept
with Hillary Clinton,
did I?
Did you?
No!
Hillary is happily married
to her husband, Bill Clinton.
Hey.
Danny.
You and me gotta problem, buddy.
We do?
If you threw up
on my couch last night,
'cause you were wasted.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah,
I drank a lot.
Oh.
He drank so much, yeah.
Hey.
Oh, someone smells
like they had sex last night.
What? I...
Hey, hey, hey.
You can smell that?
Yeah, I can smell it.
I got you something.
It's gonna help
with the hangover.
It's a Castellano special secret.
I don't do this for everyone.
You're family now.
This is the secret
breakfast sandwich.
Okay.
You know what, I...
What?
I quit.
I quit.
Ah, you quit.
What, are you still drunk?
I-I quit the practice.
I, uh...
I joined the army,
and I can't work there
and work here
at the same time, so...
You joined the army?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll see ya.
Well, let's get going.
Hold on a sec.
What's going on
between you two?
I'm walking him to the army.
Wha... yeah.
Everything's normal.
Everything's normal?
This is a patriot,
and he needs to leave.
I'd like to speak
to the two of you in private.
Right now.
Okay.
I know what
happened last night.
You took him to the bar,
you got him drunk,
his inhibitions
went down...
That's true.
And you had sex
with him.
I'm sorry.
Wha...
You had sex with Paul.
Sex with Mindy?
No, no, no, no.
Right?
Oh.
No.
Yeah.
Caught you.
Was it that obvious?
It was obvious.
Oh!
Danny, you got us.
Yup.
I had sex with Mindy.
G...
We... we made love
last night.
Made lo...
Okay, that's...
It's unbelievable.
That's...
But don't blame her.
I was so wasted.
I mean, normally,
I would never...
I get it.
No, it sucks for me,
'cause he gave me HPV.
Well,
everyone has HPV.
75% of people have it.
You're engaged, Mindy!
You're engaged.
Everyone's making fun
of my so-called loser friends.
At least they know to look out
for a woman like you.
They know to watch out.
Well, Danny, come on.
Ex-squeeze me?
Okay, there's a word
for women like you, right?
No, we don't...
A word would describe a woman
you'd say of a loose...
Oh, don't you even dare.
Danny, we don't need
to name-call, okay?
Loose quality
in a sexual fashion.
No, name-calling, man.
You know what that is?
Danny, no, no, no!
Please, say it.
You are a...
I dare you to say...
All right,
I slept with Christina.
That's what happened.
I didn't sleep with Mindy.
I got drunk, she showed up,
and I had sex with Christina.
W...
Christina?
I'm sorry.
Christina Christina?
That one, yeah.
Are you okay?
Absolutely.
Okay.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
You wanna see an animal? I'll
show you an animal right now.
Okay, now, we're going!
Oh!
Come here, come here!
Come here!
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get him! Watch him! Watch him!
What is going on?
I don't want to get kicked!
I don't want to get kicked!
Take him! Take him!
Come here!
It's the worst day of my life!
Shh!
Take him!
Okay, I want him fired.
Fire him.
Hold on, hold on.
Okay, I cannot fire him.
He's a godsend... you don't
return gifts from heaven.
He slept with Christina.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I did,
I slept with Christina.
Yeah, he did.
In that case, be a gentleman.
Call him a Welshman
and move on.
Wait a minute, guys,
you're not gonna fire him?
How can I fire him, Danny?
He's great for the practice.
Well, I quit.
Danny, don't do that.
Dr. C, no.
You can't...
We are all friends, Danny.
We are not friends.
I know
where my real friends are.
Oh, Dr. C...
Please.
Oh, don't go.
Don't leave. I need you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Tom, take it all the way.
Take it, take it.
Teen wolf!
Ah!
I... fouled, he fouled me.
Didn't even touch you.
Danny!
Offee foul.
Come here.
Hold on a sec.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
No, no women.
No, Y-M-C-A.
"Christian men."
Mm-hmm.
The "M" is unconditional,
but not "Y"?
Yeah.
Or "C"?
Okay, what are you...
Don't say...
He's Jewish.
Yeah, why are you here
causing trouble?
He's a great guy.
Okay, I need you
to come back to work.
No, no, no,
that's a hostile place.
Right here with these guys,
this is a safe environment.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Man, you are covered
in sweat.
You got... your body's trying
to tell you something.
Sorry.
I know that you think
these guys are helping you,
but they're just
a bunch of losers
who are wallowing
in their misery.
They're not
getting over anything.
He's obviously
still obsessed with me.
No, I'm still obsessed
with the woman after you.
You know,
the one I married?
Yeah, that one.
Okay, whatever.
These guys are never
gonna get over heartbreak,
but you can.
Paul did you that favor.
Paul?
Okay, are you still drunk?
She only slept with Paul
because she knew
that it would hurt
your feelings!
She's still obsessed
with you.
She's the one wallowing...
Is that
Kris Humphries?
Yeah, shh.
He's in the gang.
Can you introduce...
Just leave him alone,
okay?
He's going through
a hard time.
Okay!
Please, just come back.
I don't know.
I was...
I was thinking of maybe
doing some traveling.
You hate everywhere.
I was gonna buy
a one-way ticket to Arizona
and have sweet revenge sex
with Paul's mother.
That's horrifying.
Why a one-way ticket?
Because she'd be so grateful,
she'll pay for my ticket home.
Are you coming back to work
or not?
Uh...
Go.
Go, Danny.
You're ready for this.
You don't be like me, sitting
at home alone Saturday nights
watching trashy
reality TV shows.
I'm not gonna name
which ones.
Trust me, bro,
you're better off over there.
Man, bring it in.
Mindy, back up.
You're gonna be all right.
Thanks, man. I love you, man.
I love you too.
I love you too.
Hey, how 'bout this?
I make this shot,
Danny stays.
Check it out, everybody.
Here we go!
Didn't make the shot.
Bye, Danny.
See you later, buddy.
See you, buddy.
"Hello, good friends, and Mindy.
"I would like
this recorded message
"to stand
as my formal resignation.
"I could never allow Danny
to quit
"on account
of my sexual indiscretion.
"And of course, Danny,
being proud and strong,
"would never work
alongside a man
"who had sex with his wife.
And remember,
"I'm a sex therapist,
so the sex was extraordinary.
"I'll miss you all,
even Mindy.
"I think her haircut looks nice,
despite what everyone else says.
"And while I don't think we'll
ever see each other again...
"We don't really run
in the same circles...
I wish you all the best."
Go to bed.
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Napisy zosta?y specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu.
How was your day?
I had a rough
day here in Haiti.
I was walking
down the street,
and a baby bat
flew into my mouth.
Well, it's a good thing
for you
that I planned
a very sexy chat tonight.
You like the movie
varsity blues, right?
I'm an American male
between the age
of 6 and 93, yeah.
Do you remember
the whipped cream bikini?
I remember it.
Oh. Oh!
Very cool, I see
what's happening here.
Well, I'm gonna go get prepared.
See you soon.
Don't forget
the cherries.
Babe?
Yeah?
Are you ready to get your?
Blow it.
Ready or not, here I come.
Oh!
What's up
with the one-piece?
Hmm?
It's just pretty modest,
is all.
Babe, I started
with a string bikini,
but I thought that
looked skanky, okay?
Yeah, the whole point
is be skanky.
Well, I just don't know
who's watching this, you know,
the NSA, that hot
Edward Snowden guy.
I don't want this
to be on, like, WikiLeaks.
It just kinda looks like a bathing suit
my grandma might wear.
Grandma with benefits,
maybe?
You are confusing
my "B" right now, okay?
Well, this is not gonna
confuse your "B".
The crotch
is made out of taffy.
Okay.
And you don't even want to know
where I hid the gummy bear.
Girl, you sure
know my candies.
I have
these little nonpareils,
and I put...
Oh, my God.
Ah! Ah!
What?
Casey,
there's ants on me!
Go to the shower,
take your laptop...
Ah! Honey, honey!
And then let me see you
just rinse it off.
Help!
Sexy, though.
Help me!
Ah! Casey! Casey!
Sweetie, okay.
Help me! Casey!
Oh, sweetie.
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Welcome back to work, Big L!
Nope, that is not
my nickname.
For the last time,
my name is Dr. L.
Big L brought doughnuts
for everyone!
Nope, not Big L.
I'm a tiny, dainty woman,
and these donuts are my lunch.
Oh, hi, Mindy.
Can I help you?
Yeah, you can help me
by actually
getting all of your stuff
out of my office.
Or you know what,
you could do it by yourself,
and then I could go rest,
because I actually
hurt my tricep yesterday
trying to cut a steak.
Why am I getting the stuff
out of my office?
Look,
you are a great guy,
and your hair looks
professionally mussed,
and you deserve
an awesome office,
except this one is mine.
Okay.
All right,
let me just check something.
Thank you so...
I really appreciate this.
I really want
to help you.
Oh, shoot!
I am busy all day
not giving a damn!
And it looks like
I'm just booked all week
not caring about this.
Yeah, that just continues
all the way to 2060.
That's really cute.
Here's a tip, though.
Don't try to out-cute
the cutest person
in this office.
Are you cuter than this?
I wuv hugs.
I hated that.
I hated that.
That was disgusting.
Jeremy?
Jeremy.
You are managing partner,
which until this moment,
I did not
care about at all.
Good morning.
Good morning,
your majesty.
Continue.
Okay.
Please fire Paul.
Please, immediately.
No, nope.
Why would I fire the best thing
to ever happen to this practice?
Okay, he stole my office,
and he made me feel uncool.
Well,
that's his office now.
You were supposed to be
gone a year,
but you got back from club med
eight months early.
It was a service trip
to the worst place in the world.
The worst place in the world
is Fenway Park.
Look, I let Paul
move into my apartment
when Christina and I
moved to Jersey,
but now we're broken up.
You don't see me
asking for my apartment back.
You should!
He's probably having
cocaine snowball parties
with models in there.
Ugh!
The reason I hired Paul
is because he's a good doctor
and the patients all love him.
He was featured on the cover
of New York magazine.
So what?
I was profiled
in the New York post.
Remember when I found
that thumb in my taco?
The new Dr. L helped me
and my boyfriend cosign a loan.
We love Dr. L!
Mmm.
Oh, you do?
You love Dr. L
so much 'cause
he cosigned your loan?
That's enough, okay?
You did not even
look up from your Sudoku
when I went to Haiti.
Dr. L,
it's the hospital.
Eva Castillo
is in labor.
I am on it.
I'm on it.
She's my patient.
Paul, you are
her current doctor.
You go to the hospital.
- Right.
- Sorry.
Yeah.
Go get 'em, Dr. L.
Okay, I have no office,
I have no patients,
I have this horrible
short haircut,
my name is not
Dr. L anymore,
and I have a U.T.I.
From discount whipped cream.
You and me both,
sister.
Mindy, you do have an office.
Ta-da.
No.
This is a hobbit hole
where old computers go to die.
No, this is a fixer-upper
with tons of charm.
Plus, you get exclusive access
to the hot pipe
where Morgan
dries his bathing suit.
How am I supposed to see
patients in here?
Well, the good news is, you
don't have any at the moment.
The bad news is
your hair is on fire.
Your hair is on fire! Get out!
Come on! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh, my God!
Hey, I have to make
a total run-of-the-mill trip
to the post office, and I don't
want to be questioned about it.
Okay.
All ri...
Oh, hey,
say hi to Jan
for me.
What?
Ooh!
My house is
right by there.
Could you stop
and get my chapstick?
No, I'm not doing that.
I'm gonna run to the post office
by myself.
I'm gonna do my own business,
and then... and then...
So I'm not gonna be reachable
by phone or text.
Okay?
Thanks, guys, awesome.
Anybody else find that
a bit odd?
No, it's not odd.
I'm not in love with Jan.
Sometimes, I will mail
an empty box just to see her,
but that doesn't mean I'm in love
with her. No, no, no, no, no.
This is the third time
this week
Danny has disappeared
with some flimsy excuse.
Follow him.
That's what Ray Ron
does with me.
If he didn't,
I'd cheat on him.
Right.
All right.
Open, open, open, open,
right here.
Here, here, here, here!
Go.
Ow!
Oh, sorry.
Ugh!
You all right, Tom?
No.
Okay, my bad, man.
That was your bad.
All right, let's go.
Hey, man,
what are you doing here?
You've been sneaking off
every day
to play "basketsball"
with these miserable losers?
These are my true friends
right here.
I mean, we're all
recently single.
We call ourselves
the "getting over it" gang.
Great name for a gang.
Oh! Ow!
Hey, foul, man.
Kris Humphries, no dunking!
Wnba rules!
Give me the gun.
What gun?
What are you talking about?
This is clearly
a suicide ring.
No, it's not.
Suicide?
Yeah, would a suicidal loser
drain a shot
like this?
Trey!
Oh!
My bad.
Game over, guys, I'm sorry.
All right,
let's bring it in!
All right, come on,
let's bring it in.
Come on, guys, come on.
All right.
Okay.
Just because we don't have wives
doesn't mean
we don't have lives.
Single and cool!
Single and cool!
Single and cool!
Yes!
All right, fellas, way to go!
Ah.
Hey.
Hi.
For you.
No, wait, don't go yet,
don't go yet!
What's going on
out there?
Just work stuff.
Yeah?
Wait, tell me about...
Is it daylight out?
Oh, yeah, no,
it's actually gorgeous.
Dr. L just took us
for some frozen yogurt.
An impromptu frozen yogurt trip?
No one invited me.
Oh, you've been gone
so long,
and your office is here
in Siberia now, so...
Oh.
Oh, oh,
got something for you.
Just gotta let
these bad boys dry.
I had water aerobics today.
Ah! Ah!
Put this here.
If they fall down,
just put 'em back up, please.
I'm gonna keep the door closed,
because it bums the patients out
to see this room.
Okay.
Bye.
Cool, he can do magic.
Do you know who else
does magic?
The clown that molested
my cousin,
and we're not all
fawning over him, are we?
Okay, relax.
Just don't be mad at Dr. L
because he's fun.
You're also fun.
Am I?
Tell me, why?
God, yeah,
you're so much fun.
He's always dieting,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
And when you eat,
you're like,
"I want three pizzas!
Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!"
Oh, my God.
You know?
His farts are like...
Yours are like...
Pbbt!
Um, can I have
another drink, please?
I'm very depressed.
Oh, right there.
That's another reason.
He's a total lightweight.
You can drink.
I mean, you can hold your liquor
like an Irish police Captain.
He is like, "I had one beer.
I have to go home."
That's very interesting.
He's a lightweight.
I'm glad you came out.
Gotta say, I did not know
you'd be bringing these.
Uh, well, look,
I know they made a bad
first impression yesterday,
but they're good guys, okay,
and they're helping me
get over Christina.
Yeah, I know.
From the ladies.
Oh, wow, hey.
Thanks very much, girls.
Thanks for the drinks.
Thank you very much,
ladies.
This is what we think
of your drinks.
Not the... Tom, whoa. Yeah.
You don't pick us.
We pick you!
Whoa, Tom, Tom.
Bounce!
Tom, they seem nice enough.
Oh, no, yeah,
they seem nice enough.
The next thing you know,
we go home with these girls,
then you're married,
and then you find a condom
in your dog poop.
Then you go, "whoa, was somebody
having sex with my dog?"
Then you realize, no.
Your wife is having sex
with someone,
and your dog ate
the condom.
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And...
We'll just hang
with the guys.
All right.
Danny?
Yeah?
Quick, quick,
quick, quick word.
Yeah, sure.
Tom is unhinged.
No, no, I know, but...
Yeah, he's insane.
Okay.
Yes, I admit, that was
a very chilling story,
but he's gone through a lot.
I mean, look at him.
Just like me,
just like all these guys.
Listen to me,
if I wanted to be depressed,
I would have stuck
to my original plan
of eating a waffle
in the bath.
Hey, guys, you know
what I think we should do
is we should do, like,
a doctor vs. Doctor shots-off!
What?
d Oh, we got a shots-off
goin' on d
Oh, Tamra sang
the shots-off song,
and once you sing the song,
you have to do the shots-off.
It is true.
Those are the rules
of the office.
Did they tell you that?
I love this.
I love office traditions.
Unfortunately,
I can't do a shots-off.
I-I already had
a beer, so...
One beer?
Oh, are you scared,
'cause you can't hold
your alcohol?
She's getting in your head.
Take her down!
Nobody baby-talks me.
Bring on the shots!
Whoo!
Yeah!
And, of course, if I win,
then I'll get my office back,
and I can be called
Dr. L again.
Whoa!
Yeah, bitch,
bring on the shots!
Whoa.
Whoa!
Another shot, please.
Another shot, please.
How are you doing this?
I ate an entire loaf of bread
before I came here tonight.
Oh, so you knew
we were going to do this?
Nope, I just do that
every night, dog.
Flaming shot!
Flaming shot! Oh!
Oh!
Yes! Yes!
Hey, Danny, guess what.
What?
I won my office back.
Congratulations.
Did you do it through alcohol?
Yeah, maybe, maybe.
Okay, I don't like that.
That's all right.
Look who's here.
Hey, Tom.
How's it going?
Good.
Hey, you look great.
Thanks.
Whoa! Hey!
Is that
an engagement ring?
Yeah, it is.
I did it.
I got engaged.
That's...
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you.
So happy for you.
Hey, okay, I feel your penis
against my thigh.
Tom, Tom.
Oh. Who's the lucky guy?
Okay.
His name is Casey.
Actually, you know him.
Oh, yeah, he kicked my ass.
I remember that.
But he's not here
right now.
He's in Haiti.
We're doing long distance.
Oh, I see.
While the cat's away,
the mouse will troll for ween
in a dive bar.
You're on weenis patrol,
lieutenant.
I'm not
on weenis patrol.
Get out of the car,
please.
Get out of the pants,
please.
I-I'm gonna go.
Will you hang out with us?
Will you hang out
with me?
What?
Okay.
So happy for you.
I'm gonna... they were
calling me over a second ago.
Who's calling you?
No one's calling you.
Some of my co-workers.
Bye.
No...
Bye, Danny.
Bye-bye.
I won the shots-off.
I shouldn't have
to take you home.
Mindy.
Yeah?
I have a secret.
I have a secret to tell you.
Okay, this better be good,
'cause your last couple secrets
were really lame.
Okay.
I've never seen a movie.
You're kidding me.
No.
You were talking
about goonies yesterday.
That is such a lie.
Here.
Paul, come on.
Come on, stand up.
I'm gonna just
check for keys.
Okay, all right.
Let's... okay.
Okay, there we go.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Okay, Paul,
I cannot find your keys,
so I'm gonna just
leave you here to sober up,
mmm.
And then tomorrow,
I can... yeah.
Mm, Mindy.
Thanks
for taking me home.
No problem.
You're the best.
You're... not as bad
as I thought you were.
Whoa, mama!
Okay, shh, shh, no.
Help me!
Shh, shh, quiet!
Whoa!
Quiet, nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
Oh!
Shh, you're fine.
You're fine, you liked it.
Neighbors!
Shh! Shh! What?
Oh, no, no!
Get her!
She's getting away!
Paul?
Hey!
Christina's here.
Why aren't you wearing
your pants?
Don't worry,
they're just in my keys.
I'm just dropping
some of Danny's stuff off,
mostly leather jackets
and John Grisham novels.
Well, pull up a chair,
mon frere.
Time to have
a little chat.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Let's get you inside.
Yeah.
Yeah? Sound good?
Let's do it.
Upsy-Daisy.
Ooh!
Oh, Christina.
I'm so sorry
Danny ruined your life.
Thanks.
Mmm, you smell nice.
See ya, bad office.
Mindy, Mindy,
I have to talk to you, okay?
Look, I know it hurts
when you lose a shots-off.
I been there.
Actually, no, I haven't,
'cause I never lost
a shots-off.
Hey...
Listen to me!
I had sex with Christina
last night.
Danny's Christina?
What is wrong with you?
I was blackout drunk,
thanks to you.
She showed up, boom boom.
Happened.
Sex doesn't just happen
like that.
There's, like,
a whole process.
You have to brush your teeth,
you have to pluck that one hair
that's growing
out of your breast,
you have to make sure
your underwear isn't weird.
It's been nice knowing you.
You're gonna die in about
15 seconds when Danny finds out.
No, no,
no, no, no.
You are an accessory
to sex.
Okay, fine,
he cannot know about this.
Okay.
Okay?
Agreed.
Okay, good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen.
This secret,
it's a real secret.
It's not like
one of those lame secrets
you were telling me
last night.
Wait, I didn't tell you
that I slept
with Hillary Clinton,
did I?
Did you?
No!
Hillary is happily married
to her husband, Bill Clinton.
Hey.
Danny.
You and me gotta problem, buddy.
We do?
If you threw up
on my couch last night,
'cause you were wasted.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah,
I drank a lot.
Oh.
He drank so much, yeah.
Hey.
Oh, someone smells
like they had sex last night.
What? I...
Hey, hey, hey.
You can smell that?
Yeah, I can smell it.
I got you something.
It's gonna help
with the hangover.
It's a Castellano special secret.
I don't do this for everyone.
You're family now.
This is the secret
breakfast sandwich.
Okay.
You know what, I...
What?
I quit.
I quit.
Ah, you quit.
What, are you still drunk?
I-I quit the practice.
I, uh...
I joined the army,
and I can't work there
and work here
at the same time, so...
You joined the army?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll see ya.
Well, let's get going.
Hold on a sec.
What's going on
between you two?
I'm walking him to the army.
Wha... yeah.
Everything's normal.
Everything's normal?
This is a patriot,
and he needs to leave.
I'd like to speak
to the two of you in private.
Right now.
Okay.
I know what
happened last night.
You took him to the bar,
you got him drunk,
his inhibitions
went down...
That's true.
And you had sex
with him.
I'm sorry.
Wha...
You had sex with Paul.
Sex with Mindy?
No, no, no, no.
Right?
Oh.
No.
Yeah.
Caught you.
Was it that obvious?
It was obvious.
Oh!
Danny, you got us.
Yup.
I had sex with Mindy.
G...
We... we made love
last night.
Made lo...
Okay, that's...
It's unbelievable.
That's...
But don't blame her.
I was so wasted.
I mean, normally,
I would never...
I get it.
No, it sucks for me,
'cause he gave me HPV.
Well,
everyone has HPV.
75% of people have it.
You're engaged, Mindy!
You're engaged.
Everyone's making fun
of my so-called loser friends.
At least they know to look out
for a woman like you.
They know to watch out.
Well, Danny, come on.
Ex-squeeze me?
Okay, there's a word
for women like you, right?
No, we don't...
A word would describe a woman
you'd say of a loose...
Oh, don't you even dare.
Danny, we don't need
to name-call, okay?
Loose quality
in a sexual fashion.
No, name-calling, man.
You know what that is?
Danny, no, no, no!
Please, say it.
You are a...
I dare you to say...
All right,
I slept with Christina.
That's what happened.
I didn't sleep with Mindy.
I got drunk, she showed up,
and I had sex with Christina.
W...
Christina?
I'm sorry.
Christina Christina?
That one, yeah.
Are you okay?
Absolutely.
Okay.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
You wanna see an animal? I'll
show you an animal right now.
Okay, now, we're going!
Oh!
Come here, come here!
Come here!
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get him! Watch him! Watch him!
What is going on?
I don't want to get kicked!
I don't want to get kicked!
Take him! Take him!
Come here!
It's the worst day of my life!
Shh!
Take him!
Okay, I want him fired.
Fire him.
Hold on, hold on.
Okay, I cannot fire him.
He's a godsend... you don't
return gifts from heaven.
He slept with Christina.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I did,
I slept with Christina.
Yeah, he did.
In that case, be a gentleman.
Call him a Welshman
and move on.
Wait a minute, guys,
you're not gonna fire him?
How can I fire him, Danny?
He's great for the practice.
Well, I quit.
Danny, don't do that.
Dr. C, no.
You can't...
We are all friends, Danny.
We are not friends.
I know
where my real friends are.
Oh, Dr. C...
Please.
Oh, don't go.
Don't leave. I need you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Tom, take it all the way.
Take it, take it.
Teen wolf!
Ah!
I... fouled, he fouled me.
Didn't even touch you.
Danny!
Offee foul.
Come here.
Hold on a sec.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
No, no women.
No, Y-M-C-A.
"Christian men."
Mm-hmm.
The "M" is unconditional,
but not "Y"?
Yeah.
Or "C"?
Okay, what are you...
Don't say...
He's Jewish.
Yeah, why are you here
causing trouble?
He's a great guy.
Okay, I need you
to come back to work.
No, no, no,
that's a hostile place.
Right here with these guys,
this is a safe environment.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Man, you are covered
in sweat.
You got... your body's trying
to tell you something.
Sorry.
I know that you think
these guys are helping you,
but they're just
a bunch of losers
who are wallowing
in their misery.
They're not
getting over anything.
He's obviously
still obsessed with me.
No, I'm still obsessed
with the woman after you.
You know,
the one I married?
Yeah, that one.
Okay, whatever.
These guys are never
gonna get over heartbreak,
but you can.
Paul did you that favor.
Paul?
Okay, are you still drunk?
She only slept with Paul
because she knew
that it would hurt
your feelings!
She's still obsessed
with you.
She's the one wallowing...
Is that
Kris Humphries?
Yeah, shh.
He's in the gang.
Can you introduce...
Just leave him alone,
okay?
He's going through
a hard time.
Okay!
Please, just come back.
I don't know.
I was...
I was thinking of maybe
doing some traveling.
You hate everywhere.
I was gonna buy
a one-way ticket to Arizona
and have sweet revenge sex
with Paul's mother.
That's horrifying.
Why a one-way ticket?
Because she'd be so grateful,
she'll pay for my ticket home.
Are you coming back to work
or not?
Uh...
Go.
Go, Danny.
You're ready for this.
You don't be like me, sitting
at home alone Saturday nights
watching trashy
reality TV shows.
I'm not gonna name
which ones.
Trust me, bro,
you're better off over there.
Man, bring it in.
Mindy, back up.
You're gonna be all right.
Thanks, man. I love you, man.
I love you too.
I love you too.
Hey, how 'bout this?
I make this shot,
Danny stays.
Check it out, everybody.
Here we go!
Didn't make the shot.
Bye, Danny.
See you later, buddy.
See you, buddy.
"Hello, good friends, and Mindy.
"I would like
this recorded message
"to stand
as my formal resignation.
"I could never allow Danny
to quit
"on account
of my sexual indiscretion.
"And of course, Danny,
being proud and strong,
"would never work
alongside a man
"who had sex with his wife.
And remember,
"I'm a sex therapist,
so the sex was extraordinary.
"I'll miss you all,
even Mindy.
"I think her haircut looks nice,
despite what everyone else says.
"And while I don't think we'll
ever see each other again...
"We don't really run
in the same circles...
I wish you all the best."
Go to bed.
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Napisy zosta?y specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu.