The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 24 - Take Me with You - full transcript

Okay, I don't know that
I will be that good

at doing sex on the computer.

No, you'll be fine.
Look, Mindy,

this is all we've got when
I'm over in Haiti, all right?

I will not be able to last

with that little picture
on your business card.

- Just not gonna happen.
- You got it. Show me what to do.

You know that I will, girl.
All right,

why don't you pop open that shirt

and show me them ca-ans!

Stop the voice?
Don't do the voice?



Well, cans?
I'm sorry.

Just, can I see
your breasts... ma'am?

Babe, you know it.

I'm gonna just unbutton this,

and you're gonna see
both of my honkers

in no time at all.

Let the dogs out.

Mmm, is that what you wanted?

Babe, you like your boobs
between an "A" and a "B"?

Yeah, like, indecisive boobs
are, like,

my thing now, you know.

Not quite a "B" cup,
too big for an "A."

♪ A-a-a-a-a

♪ Trying to be a B,
trying to be a B ♪



♪ Trying to be a B

Oh, man, you froze.

Casey?
How do... Casey...

Oh, God!
Oh, my God!

Oh! This is not for you.

No, no, no, no, look,
I'm the only person

in this business center
at this hotel.

Stop, stop, stop this.
No one will know.

Hey.

Hey, babe, that was
the most traumatizing thing

- that's ever happened to me in my entire life.
- I know. I know.

I can't have a relationship
with my computer for a year.

I won't do it.
I know.

Casey, I'm gonna miss you too much.

Who's going to yell at me

when I leave my cell phone
in the back of the cab?

Or who's going to
roll me over when I'm snoring

so I don't asphyxiate?
Yeah.

I don't know, I should just,
like, go to Haiti with you.

You should. You should
come to Haiti with me.

They need doctors.
It's one year.

- That's it.
- Um, no.

I mean, I-I can't.
I can't actually do that.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's right.
You're too level-headed

to make any kind of
reckless romantic decision.

I was just listening to my heart.

Hey, heart, can you stop talking

and just keep pumping blood?
That's your job.

You don't have to yell
at your heart so much.

No, he's so stupid.

Well...
Why don't I go?

- Yes.
- Right?

- Why don't you go?
- I have money saved up.

You've got money saved up!

It's just a year.
One year.

We care about each other a lot.

- We almost love each other.
- We almost love each other.

We've got the "L,"
the "O," the "V."

Can I buy a vowel, babe?
I should go.

- You're going. You're going?
- I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go with you.

- Yeah.
- Oh, baby!

Dr. L, I can hear
but I can't see.

I'd like to see, please.

Mrs. Haskell, we were so
excited when Dr. Reed asked us

to assist in your delivery.

In all of our careers, we have
never delivered triplets.

Not what I would lead with.

Now, this is going to be
a rather unusual delivery,

so we do want to take
extra precautions.

That's why we've decided to work
together as a team, Carol...

One physician assigned
to each baby.

But rest assured that
I will do everything in my power

to make sure that my triplet
is the best.

But I don't want one
of them to be the best.

Yes, of course.
Well...

Mindy, I need you to stop.

Danny, Christina's gonna love

that I took you shopping here.

This place is like an insane asylum

for adolescent girls.

Now, let me ask you, is she
more owl or field mouse?

Huh?
What is her essence?

I don't know. I mean,
I'm just... look,

I'm trying to make her feel
more comfortable, okay?

I'm even taking her
camping this weekend.

You're going camping?
Yeah.

Mr. City Guy?
No, I'm... I...

"Get that deer away from me!"

- Okay, I love deer, and I love...
- Oh, my God.

What?
Danny, this is eerie.

This is why I believe in mysticism.

Christina and Danny.

Of all the letters in the alphabet,

they had these two
right in front of me.

- There's an "R" and an "M" right there.
- Ehh!

And if it doesn't work out...

Danny Castellano.

I mean...
Thank you.

Wait a minute, you don't think

things are gonna work out?

No, I'm not saying that.

It's just, two months ago,

if anyone had even said
the name "Christina,"

you would shatter whatever
object you were holding.

I get it, it's sudden, okay?

But you're about to move
to a third-world country

with your boyfriend.

Brad pitt and Angelina jolie
do that, like, every week.

You called 911 when a butterfly
got into your apartment.

I thought it was a colorful bat.

Okay, I guess this
by the owl pillow...

Ahem! Ahem! Ahem!
Oh, crap!

"Mindy pool"?

What is Mindy pool?

I think they're betting on
how long you'll last in Haiti.

What?

Tamra, one day?

A single day you thought
I would last in Haiti?

I was just price-is-righting it.

That's how my cousin sheena
won her jet-ski.

One time, she let me
ride it in her driveway.

That is enough. I would
normally love that anecdote,

- and now I hate it.
- What happens when you're kidnapped?

Okay, you would never
make it as a sex slave.

You're too ticklish.

My God, look at this.

- See? Ow.
- Stop it!

I would be a fantastic sex slave.

You're too High-maintenance.

In Haiti, you're not
gonna be able to have

your Jimmy Choos and your
Wally Wongs and what have yous.

You are underestimating me,
my friend.

I'm a lot tougher than you think,

- and I can make it in Haiti.
- Okay.

You still going camping
with Christina?

Yes. Why?

A camping trip
with no running water

or bathrooms or electricity.

What are we ramping up to here?

What we're ramping up to is that
I'm coming camping with you.

You are not,
'cause you're not invited.

- I am invited, and I'm going.
- You're not.

You can pick me
and Casey up at 9:00.

10:00. 10:30.
Please pick us up.

I will email you my
preferred breakfast sandwich.

I will see you at 11:00!
Okay.

Okay,
what happens if a voodoo priest

casts a spell on you?

- Have you even thought about that?
- Morgan, that is racist.

Voodoo's all make-believe.

Actually, the cultural
practice of voodoo

is very real.

History of voodoo.
Are you kidding me?

I am so the kind of person

that a gypsy gets
a vendetta against.

You know, Mindy, voodoo
isn't just curses.

I mean, who knows,
maybe Casey will be possessed

by a virility deity,

and he'll give you
the best sex of your life.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, Christina!
Okay...

All right, stop. Stop!

I'm not actually
worried about anything

'cause, guys, I have

my Haiti survival kit right here.

That looks like a bunch of shampoo.

I mean, there's other
hair stuff in here too.

I mean, honestly,
I think you should just

cut your hair short, you know?

What? For Haiti?

Yeah, I wouldn't do that
if I was you.

I'm not gonna cut my hair short.
Dudes hate that.

What dudes?

I'm the dude.
I'm your dude.

Whenever I'm in the field,
I keep mine short.

It's better for the heat,
and people don't sexualize you.

Uh, who doesn't want
to be sexualized?

Whoa!

Oh, Danny, Danny!
Relax, man!

♪ Country roads

So as he lay in bed,

the scratching got louder
and louder.

- Ow. Danny.
- What?

Stop digging your fingernails
into my leg.

I'm not digging
my fingernails anywhere.

I'm not... I'm not scared.
I'm just, like...

I don't know, I love scary stories.

I like funny scary stories.

So all of a sudden,
he hears the knocks,

and he opens the door,
expecting his fiancée.

And then, at that moment,
he realized that the knocks

were actually coming...
From inside!

This is such a stupid story.

Like, why is he knocking?

Dr. C, you were, like,
"oh, God, I'm so scared.

- Oh, oh, oh."
- No, the log is not stable.

"Oh, my God, I'm so scared,
I can't take it!"

It was scary!

"Casey, hold me, please,
I'm so scared."

That's not an accurate impression.

Morgan, Morgan, Morgan,
Morgan, Morgan...

- You're on fire right now.
- I know I am.

No, no, Morgan, you're on fire.

Your back's on fire!

- Stand up.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!
Morgan, you're on fire!

Oh, God, oh, God, Morgan...

Morgan, I got you!
Morgan, hurry up...

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- You're okay, you're okay, Morgan!

You're okay!

- Wow. Oh, God.
- Mindy, that was amazing!

It's okay.
You're fine, you're fine.

Too bad she went in first.

I was just... I'm still flummoxed
from the log... I fell off it.

I was kinda brave today,
I think.

Today? Holy cow.

- I'm so glad we went camping.
- Me too.

Good night.

My little camper.
Mm-hmm.

What's cool about this trip

is I knew I was a good person,

but I didn't know I was
insanely courageous.

Uh-huh.
Oh, my God, Casey?

- What? What?
- Some of the food in your flossing

just landed in my eye.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.
Can you look?

You just got caught
in the floss-fire.

What do you see?
Oh, my God.

You got, like,
a corn kernel or something

from the burritos.
Okay, just touch it.

I got it. I got it.

Oh, God, that was horri...

What, you see anything?

No.

I feel like...
I feel like I got one.

No, there's nothing there.

I think this should be
the last tick check

until we get home, okay?

Have we had a lot?
Well...

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm not, like,
grizzly man or anything.

Well, thank you for trying.

I mean I...
I saved you

from the snake and everything.

- That was...
- Mm...

Do you think
it would be fun if we...

If we camped out full-time?

In my apartment.

Yeah?

Yes.

Dr C.

Dr. C, it's Morgan, from work.

Yeah, I know, Morgan.
What?

Can I jump in there with you guys?

I'm a little lonely.
Nope.

A little crowded in here.
Good night.

Good night.

- Mrs. Dr. C...
- Oh, God!

Are you reading, like,
a joke book or something?

Why are you laughing so much?

Oh, it's David Sedaris.
I bought it for my sister,

but there's no way
she's gonna get it.

You're blinding me.
Can you...

Can you just turn off
your spelunker?

Yeah, sorry. I thought you were
gonna give me a High five.

Are you gonna
keep reading that,

or do you think
you'll go to sleep now?

I can't really read
without my light,

but I guess I'll go to sleep.

You know, actually, I'm glad
we are talking about this.

So, when we're in Haiti,
how much of the time

is gonna be spent
in the tent, do you think?

Like half the time.
Like night time.

For sleeping and stuff.

So you and me in a tent this size

for an entire year?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.

The tent's way smaller.
Than this?

It's gonna be great.
I mean, you're lucky

that we vibe so well, you know?

Or else I'd be, like, rrrrrrr!

Yeah, I'd just be, like, rrrrr!

I'm gonna kill you.
You're so annoying.

Yeah. But that's
not the case, is it?

- No.
- All right. Gimme, gimme.

Babe, I think we should make love.

Right after I water this tree.

You know, you gotta leave it
better than you find it.

Oh, my God. Casey!

- What?
- Your penis just knocked off my glasses.

Sorry.

It's tent livin', you know?

What are you gonna do?

Dear God, I hate to put you
in this position,

because I know that
Casey works for you,

but I am so screwed.

I'm not going to Haiti.
Nobody knows yet.

I mean, I couldn't be more...
If you could just please...

There she is.

Oh, Brendan. Hey.

We are really proud
of what you've decided to do.

Quite frankly, it's the kind
of thing I would do.

I mean it.

It's so exciting.
Yeah, I think so too.

Something's not right.

Are you having second thoughts
about Haiti?

What? No. Get off.

Duncan's hugs never lie.

Okay, well, I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Whatever. See ya.

Shirley temple with vodka, right?

Sorcerer.

Haiti only has five letters
and three are vowels.

Hey, Mindy, Bonnafortuna.

Ah, Lan. Hey, Jamie.
How are you?

I'm great, actually.
Lucy and I got engaged.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

It's so funny, you are
the last person I dated

before found my true love.

- Isn't that funny?
- That is funny.

I have a boyfriend too, actually.

Casey. Casey.
Great.

- Stop talking to that person for a sec.
- Hi.

This is Casey, my boyfriend.
Hey.

Isn't he tall?
Yeah.

Salve, man.
How's it going? Jamie.

- Oh, Latin I'm detecting there, right?
- Yeah.

Heus amicus?
Quid agis?

This guy is so cool.

That was cool.
Congratulations.

You landed a real winner.

- I did.
- No, I did.

Handsome, knows his Latin.

You have a type.
No, I'm kidding.

You're, uh...
It's great to meet you, man.

And I'm so impressed with
what you two are doing.

Going to Haiti and sharing a tent

for a whole year.
Lucy and I,

we can't even share a bathroom.

We're two peas in a pod.
We'd even share the same gum.

Right? Here.
We would.

Oh, no. He gets it.

Come and get it.
Uh, c...

You got it?
Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Mmm...

I mean, we're crazy.
Yeah.

About each other.

Right.

God, I love this picture of Dr. C.

You nailed it.

You know, I love that
you didn't show Danny's crotch,

because, honestly, it makes me
think about it even more.

- Danny's a fascinating subject.
- Mm-hmm.

His features are actually...
They're quite androgynous.

Ah...

I'm really proud of these.

I mean, most photography is crap.

But this... is quality.

First of all, black and white.

Danny, are you smoking?

Nope.
What are you doing in here?

Oh, come...
I mean, really?

You're eating the Bon voyage cake?

Come on, that's for later.

I'm sorry, isn't that
my name on it?

Yeah, and so is Casey's
and whatever.

Okay.

Are you hiding in here?

- No, I am not hiding.
- Are you hiding?

From what, total happiness? No.

- Well, I am happy you're happy.
- Good.

I mean, Haiti.
Yeah, Haiti.

- It's fun.
- Yeah?

- It's a fun adventure for me...
- Okay.

As a mature adult to go
to an aids-ravaged country

with my boyfriend of three month

by the time you get back,
I'll probably be married,

living in New Jersey
with a tractor.

You know, one of
those lawnmowers you...

It's weird,
because most guys freak out

when women push 'em too far
too fast, but not me.

I'm not thinking of
slipping out that window,

vanishing into the night.
No way, not me.

Guys do freak out
when you move that fast.

Oh, yeah.

What's this shower fixture
you want me to see so badly?

That was a lie.

I need to talk to you
about something else.

Oh. What's up?

Can I have your hands?

I can't go to Haiti with you

unless we're engaged to be married.

Re... really?

And I know that
we've only been dating

for, like, three months,
so I get why

that would be
way too quick for you.

- Yeah.
- You want to hang out with your bros on a Friday night.

You don't have to come home
and have spaghetti dinner

with your weird Indian wife.

No one says that,
just so we're clear.

But I, uh... I see where
you're coming from.

So you go to Haiti, I'll stay here.

We'll do long-distance.
We'll write letters and stuff.

This is awesome.
Up here, dude.

- Boom.
- All right.

Hey, uh, party people,

can I just have
your attention for a second?

I just wanted to say
that the day I met Mindy,

I didn't realize I met
my future wife.

What are you... what?
No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me do it. Let me...

No, please. Please.
It's all right. Stop.

You don't need to.
I beg you, please stop.

All right, all right.

What's that?
Whoa! Gotcha.

Look, here's the deal.

I just had a little rap "sesh"
with the notorious G.O.D.

You know what "G" said?
"That's your girl, dude."

And I said, "thank you."

Casey, I don't want you
to propose to me,

- and I don't want to go to Haiti.
- What?

I said it, I don't
want to go to Haiti.

What'd you just tell me
in the bathroom?

I didn't think you would actually

want this kind of commitment,

and then I would just
kind of get out of it.

Why wouldn't I want to be
interested in this commitment?

- That's crazy.
- Well, because I kinda suck.

And no guy has ever wanted
to commit to me before

because I work too much,
I'm kinda selfish,

I've never voted.

And usually, the guy
figures that out,

and then they leave.
I'm not gonna leave.

It's not my fault that you...
I'm not one of these guys.

I know. Okay.
Who are these guys

that make you think this way?

There's him, him.

Sometimes this guy.

Okay, that was obviously
a rhetorical question.

Casey, I love dating you.

I love dating you.

But I also love being independent,

and I cannot spend a year
zipped up in a tent

with another person.

It's not "another person."

Mindy, it's me.

I know, but that's not enough.

All right.
I wish you'd just...

- I wish you'd just said that.
- Can we just...

Can we just talk about this later?

Let's... no.

Um...
Please don't...

Good-bye.

Take care, Mindy.

Ehh, white people problems.

I'm obviously not white, Tamra.

Come on.

For the record, a person of color

can have white people problems.

Okay.
What about Jewish people?

Oh, big time.
Um...

I'm gonna head out...

Because it is excruciating
to remain here.

The triplets.
The triplets!

Oh, my God.

♪ Live fast, die young

♪ Bad girls do it well
live fast, die young ♪

Careful with that car, man.

♪ Bad girls do it well

♪ My chain hits my chest when
I'm bangin' on the dashboard ♪

♪ My chain hits my chest
when I'm bangin' on the radio ♪

♪ Get back, get down

♪ Pull me closer
if you think you can hang ♪

♪ Hands up, hands tied

♪ Don't go screaming
if I blow you with a bang ♪

♪ Ahh, suki zuki
I'm coming in the cherokee ♪

♪ Gasoline, there's steam

Wow, Carol, all three babies
are doing great.

And I will say my one
has the highest Apgar score.

Not that it's...
It's not a competition.

- Doesn't matter.
- No. No.

Can you believe this?

This morning, you had two people
who lived in your apartment,

and now there's five.

I know.
It's so exciting.

Exciting, yeah, but overwhelming.

So many human creatures at
your house, all in your space.

Everywhere you look,
there's a baby.

- Okay, where you going with this?
- I'm just saying that...

Yeah, I mean, it is overwhelming.

But we really wanted a baby.

And life threw this at us.

Sometimes you just have to say yes.

Yeah, you do.

Casey.

Damn it, Casey, let me in!

Casey! Casey!

Come to the window.

Casey Peerson,
I need to talk to you.

Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning.

I'm so sorry, sir.

I'm in love with a man
in your building.

Casey!

Get off the street, psycho bitch!

Okay, that's not called for.

I'm... hey!
Ow! What the hell?

There's more where that came from!

Quit it!
Oh, my God!

That could've killed me.

Casey!
Casey, I'm pregnant!

Seriously? I knew it.
I knew it.

The steady weight gain,
the irritability, the acne.

No, I'm not actually
pregnant, Casey.

I just said that
so you'd come to the window.

Are you kidding me?

I know. I was wrong.
I was just scared

because going to Haiti
meant spending

all of my time with you,
and a lot of it confined

to a very small tent
with a guy who is,

let's face it,
all elbows and penis.

But it was dumb,
because all I have ever wanted

was to be in a serious relationship

with a great guy.

And now I'm in one.

And I threw it away
because it was hard.

Also, we're really good together.

For the record, you are
never gonna find someone

who does the kind of things
that I do for you.

I think we both know
what I'm talking about.

Easy, okay?
I'm a minister.

What, specifically?
What do you do?

Okay, sir, enough.

Casey, please, take me with you.

No, Mindy.
All right?

Just... go home.

Yeah, get out of here!

Yeah, go back to the Bronx.

Well, Casey, if you're not gonna
take me with you to Haiti,

then why did I do this?

Who will have me now?

It was a boy the whole time.

"It"? No, I'm not an it.

I'm a girl.

Prove it another way.

No, I'm not gonna prove it another way.
Okay, these are breasts.

Please, Casey.
What do you say?

Stay right there.
I'm coming down.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm gonna go...

Oh, my God, what did you
do to your hair?

I cut it.

Oh, I hate it so much.

That is very rude.

It's short now.
You can't just say you hate it.

Wow. Only three women can
pull off short hair like that...

Audrey Hepburn, Halle Berry,
and Ellen Degeneres.

Guys are not gonna go for this.

I'm telling you, they're not
gonna deal with it.

All right, well, it's a good thing
you're not my boyfriend.

Yeah, it is a good thing.
I like it.

It might grow on me.

We both have the same haircut now.

I told Christina I...

I want to slow things down, so...

I think that's...

You got something...

There.

There was just...

A little Schmutz.

Casey and I got back together.

- You did?
- Yeah. So I'm gonna go to Haiti.

Good for you.