The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 23 - Frat Party - full transcript

Casey, why is taking you
so long to shower?

You have, like, 1/10 of
the amount of hair that I do.

You know what'd
be the most efficient?

What?

If you came in here with me.

Hold on one sec.

I just swallowed a little water.

Yeah, let's do it again.

Sure, okay.

Why are your teeth chattering?

You're in the hot water.



I'm over here in the frozen tundra,
freezing my buns off.

All right, drama queen.

Well, I'll swap places with you.

This is sexy.

Oh, yeah, very sexy.

Jeez, was this shower built
for children or what?

It's built for normal-sized people,

not freakishly tall people.

Aah!

You're fine.

Your mouth bacteria's
in my eye socket!

Just rinse it out.

That was the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

I think you're gonna be all right.



And you're right.
It is freezing over here.

Get over here.
I'm gonna keep you warm.

All right?

You're killing me.
You're killing me.

Sorry.
Aah!

What? What?

I just saw inside of your butt!

Why do you have a million
shampoo bottles around here?

Oh, well, that's actually
pretty interesting.

Shampoo and conditioner
should not come

in the same size bottles

because you use way more shampoo
than you do of conditioner.

Man, if I just stick with you,

I'll die of boredom.

Ow! Don't pinch my butt cheeks.

Can you get a little bit
lower to reach my head?

You want to be taller than me?

Can you just squat
for mommy, please?

I'm getting a cramp though.
I'm getting a cramp.

Ow! Casey!

Tamra, can you email Mrs. DiPaola
a copy of her ultrasound?

Mm-hmm.
No problem, girl.

Okay, I've asked you repeatedly
not to call me "girl."

I'm sorry.

You just remind me exactly
of my cousin, Sheena.

* Sending an email
with an attachment *

* Then check my Facebook
and g-chat Sheena *

Firing Morgan wasn't
the best idea, Danny.

Now I'm gonna be deported
for murder.

Okay, look, guys.
I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm Italian.

We make snap decisions,

we've had, like, 70 governments
since world war ii.

Everyone, I would like you
to meet a very special person.

This is Katie.

Is that your daughter?

Yeah, Beverly, I have
a 21-year-old daughter

that you've never heard of before.

I don't know your deal.
Pistachios?

Don't eat those. She buys them
on the side of the road.

Katie is a pre-med student,
and she is my protege.

Hi. It's really nice
to meet you all.

A couple months ago, I signed up

for the Columbia
mentorship program.

I just figured that

as a strong and successful
and inspiring...

Okay, just get to it...
Woman of color.

Woman of color...
Yep.

That I should be giving back.

And out of all the doctors
that she could have picked,

she selected moi.
Isn't she cute?

Boop.

You seem like you're
in bright spirits today.

I guess things are going well
with Christina.

What happened to the photo
of your father?

That was my mother, man.

I need to speak
to you both right now.

It is not my place to say,

but when you fired Morgan,
you made a big mistake.

All he did was get your wife back.

She's right, Danny.
Morgan was a great nurse.

I mean, when he would draw blood,

he would write "ouch"
on the band-aids.

I mean, I found it
incredibly annoying,

but, you know,
the patients loved it.

Betsy.

Oh, there you are.

Come on, girl, we about to make

a music video with this skeleton.

Could you take the hat
off the skeleton, please?

- Tamra, can you hear me?
- Hmm?

We have to get him back
from the Deslauriers.

Okay. Okay.

So, Katie, you having fun
following Mindy around town?

We've had an amazing day.

I showed her the office,

and she told me about all
the new party drugs in college.

Do you know there's a drug
called "mucus"?

Mucus?

Yeah, and if it weren't
so scary, I would do it.

Hey, before you guys dig too deep

into your chicken caesars,

I got some amazing news.

Oh, my God, are you getting
that snoring surgery?

I don't think you need it.

I think you're perfect,
but it's your body.

And if you wanted to get it,
I would support it.

Well, that's not the news.
Okay.

You know how I've been trying
to get the church

to implement that long-term
service plan in Haiti?

This is why I love him.

He looks like the villain
in a national lampoon movie,

but he's not.

He's, like, into Haiti.

So nice.
I know.

Anyway, it's been "no" for years.

"No, no, no," until this morning.

Babe, are you kidding me?

That's amazing.
I know. It's crazy.

I'm gonna go to Haiti for a year.

Oh.

What?

Should I leave,
so you guys can talk?

No. No, Katie.

There is no...
There's no need

'cause there's nothing
to talk about.

My boyfriend has decided
to abandon me

in cold, smelly Manhattan

so that he can hang loose
on party island.

No one calls Haiti "party island."

Obviously, I know that.

We can do this, all right?

It's just gonna be long distance
for a little bit.

My boyfriend and I stayed together

while he studied abroad
in Australia.

Boom. See?

He eventually cheated on me
with the foster's girl.

Damn it.
We broke up.

Are you listening to this?

I just think you're overreacting.

A year's not that long.

Yeah, if was 20 or a tortoise.

Okay, if you feel
really passionately about this,

you should go to Haiti.

Okay, thank you.
I knew you'd understand.

I just shouldn't be
with you if you go.

I don't have a year

of my life to put on pause.

No, wait.
Come on, Katie.

Let's go eat a second lunch.
No, Mindy, come on.

Have a good time in Haiti.
Come on, Katie, let's go.

Mindy.

What the hell
are we doing here?

Morgan's not a vegan.

He puts ground beef in his oatmeal.

Hey.

What's up, guys?
Over here.

Okay.

Why are the Deslauriers here?

Hey, guys.

We eat lunch together every day.

Don't you?

Come on, sit down. Sit down.
Okay, okay.

We got some apps going.

What did you guys want
to talk about?

- Um... um...
- Morgan.

They have clearly
invited you to lunch

so that they can poach you.

Okay, wait a minute.
You guys poached him first.

This is a simple negotiation.

You make him an offer.

If he chooses to leave,
he's free to do so.

We've taught him to listen
to the universe.

Fair enough. Morgan...

Dr. Reed,

if we're actually going to do this,

would you mind writing it
on a small piece

of paper and slipping it to me

like we're in a business movie
in the '80s?

Yeah.

Is that real?

Of course it's real.

That's clearly more than
we can afford to pay.

'Cause we don't have drug money

like Al Capone and his little
Italian friend here.

Wait a minute, I'm not Capone

in this scenario right here?

Guys, guys.
That's ridiculous.

You're Capone.
You can be Capone.

This is more money
than these eyes have ever seen.

And I'm...
I-I miss you.

I love you guys.

We love you.

Yeah.

Nice. Nice.
Amazing. Amazing.

I'm sorry. Stop, stop.
Welcome back.

I meant...

Yeah, I'm gonna stay
with the Deslaheiers.

I knew... I didn't mean it
that way.

Can I just get this straight?

You are gonna take a pay cut,

so you can stay

with this couple
of new age tossers?

Is it...
What, mate?

You know what, let's get out of here.

Let's go to that cheesesteak
place that Morgan loves so much.

Yeah, we'll get
Morgan's special order.

Double meat, double cheese,
double sauce, double bread.

Don't let him... don't let him
tempt you like that.

I'm not, I'm not.
Don't let him tempt you.

They're trying...
They're trying to distract you.

Are you okay?
Can I do anything?

No, it's not your responsibility
to take care of me.

You're young and fun.

Just feed me sour straws, please.

Yeah, I get it.

The Haitians need help
after their Tsunami.

Earthquake.

Okay, please...

Please don't tell anyone
that I said that.

You know what would cheer you up?

McDonald's.
No.

What if we went out tonight?

Don't waste a good time on me.

You're so young and happy.

I'm just an old spinster

that's gonna steal your life-force.

No, are you kidding me?

Do you know how inspirational
you've been to me today?

This is the least
I can do to cheer you up.

Really?

Whoo!

Katie, you look so hot.

You look like

your evil twin right now.
Thanks.

I know that there is
a student loan crisis,

but cups cost, like, 10?.

Oh, it's a no-cups party.

You can drink out
of anything except cups.

All right.
I get it, yeah.

It's to make the party
more difficult.

I guess.
That's cool.

I have a lipstick cap.

Ugh.
Why, America?

Jeez.

Get out of here!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Sorry, I didn't realize
it was you guys.

Call your hounds off.

Eli, Matthew, in.

Beasts of hell.

These neighborhood kids...

They come and they steal
the chimes.

And they sell 'em for weed.

What are you guys doing here?
What do you want?

Morgan,

we've come to get you back.

Well, that's not
gonna happen, okay?

Once a tookers man
makes up his mind, that's it.

My Uncle took his pacemaker out

when he found out they were
invented by the Japanese.

We're making changes
around the office.

Changes, "schmanges." Like what?

Like this little flea bag here
for patient therapy.

I hate that dog.

You are already naming him
in your head.

No, I haven't.
Yes, you have.

I have not...
I am not naming him.

I don't like you, bones.

- Don't make me...
- Oh, my... oh, wow.

You guys look great together.

I don't like these little,
soft, little eyes,

and he's gonna fall asleep
in my hand.

Oh, my God,
you little angel from heaven.

That's a dirty trick.

And it's not gonna work.

This little son of a bitch aside,

I can't go back with you.

It's not about you guys.
It's about the Deslauriers.

What is it about the Deslauriers?

Yeah.
They're brothers.

And when I'm there,
I feel like I'm a brother.

What do you want
brothers for, Morgan?

So they can lock you
in the wardrobe

where mommy can't hear you crying?

You all right?
Yeah.

Look, at Schulman & Associates,

it was not like a family, man.

I was the only one that came
to Betsy's Easter egg hunt.

Morgan, everything has changed now.

We hang out
socially all the time.

In fact, Mindy has been
tweeting me all night

from some party she's at,

saying that Danny and I
should join her.

And you should join us.

You should come.
You should join us, Morgan.

You guys are going to
a party with Mindy?

Yes.
Come on, Morgan.

She would love me to come, I bet.

Oh, she would love it.

I'm gonna go with you.
There it is.

But socially.

Fine.

I'm gonna gel up
and put on my dragon t-shirt.

Katie, I'm so psyched
you dragged me out tonight.

Yeah? I'm so happy.
Yeah.

It's fun, right?
So fun.

Let's go talk to the DJ

and see if he'll tell us

the Wi-Fi password for this place.

Who's that guy?

He's some cheesy, old loser

who was in this frat
in, like, the '90s.

The '90s? Kill me.
Yeah.

Form a circle around me.
Dancing.

You ladies want to dance with me?

I'm Mindy.
Obstetrics and gynecology.

Tom.
Oral surgery.

Mindy.

Aah!

Oh, God. Okay.

That cheesy, old loser
is the guy I almost married.

Tom! Tom!
What?

Oh, God, Tom.

Tom, Tom?
Tom, are you okay?

Oh, yeah.
Are you okay?

- Can you stand? Can you stand?
- No, I'm all right.

Hey. Hey.
Hey, how are you?

I'm okay.
Are you all right?

Things are great.

Yeah?
Doing really well.

Cool eyebrow ring.

Oh, is it bleeding?

Yeah.
Oh. It bleeds a lot.

Yeah, I have, like,
no pillowcases at my house.

Yeah, so what have you been up to?

I moved.

Yeah, Westchester wasn't,

like, doing it for me anymore.

So yeah, now I live
in a furnished apartment.

Yeah. Back in the city.

Yeah, right across the street
from the holocaust museum.

Oh, don't worry.
It's by the entrance.

It's by the entrance, so people
are very happy going in.

Well, uh, how is your wife doing?

She's good. She's good.
Yeah, she's gone.

She moved back to Serbia.

But that's cool.
Whatevs.

You know, I mean,

now I get to do what I want to do,

which is hang out with my friends.

All right.

Talk to my lawyer,

sell the boat
that me and my dad made.

The last time I saw you,
you were expecting a baby.

Yeah, turns out the baby
looked a lot

like her ex-boyfriend, Borislavko.

Hey, that's awful.
No, no.

It's a good thing, you know.

That means they were sleeping
with each other

while we were married.

Yeah, I get the implication.

I didn't even masturbate
when we were married.

Yeah.

- Pretty awesome. Hey...
- Loser.

All right.

That's just what we do, man.

He's just...
We're having a good time.

See?
Just playing around.

We shove... shove heads.

Hey, sorry. Sorry.
Oh, all right, all right.

These guys love me!

Is Tom's friend...
Anyone here who can talk...

I have no friends!

We should leave here.

Last time I was here,
someone shot me.

Sigma pi tau?
You gotta be kidding me.

What's up, man?

Sorry, sirs.
We'll turn down the music.

No, we are here for the party.

Sorry, man. We don't need
any extra guys here.

Especially old ones
who will remind drunk girls

that they have fathers
who love them.

Fathers?

This is the top ten most offended

I've ever been in my life.

Let's just go.
Let's get tacos.

No, Morgan,
we are here as a family,

and we're gonna have fun
as a family.

Thank you very much.

Can I get seven back?

Okay.

Dr. C, Dr. C.

Can I borrow $20?

I think I got something on me.

Maybe an Abe Lincoln
will change your mind?

That's not Abe Lincoln.
Who is that?

Jackson.
Huh.

I'm doing okay.
I'm doing okay.

I really am, you know.
Really?

I was a little depressed there
for a little bit.

I'd wake up in the morning,
have my coffee,

you know, exercise,

do a little Russian roulette.

Breakups are the worst.

They are the worst.
They're the worst.

I actually broke up
with my boyfriend today.

I'm sorry.
Yeah.

I guess that explains

why we're both at a frat party

with a guy named the gooch.

Yeah.

Uh, that's urine.

This is the worst.
We're way too old for this.

I'm so glad you said that.

Like, why is the music so loud?

Too loud. And if I have to hear
the "n" word in another song...

And you know the worst part is,
then I sing it,

and then I'm the racist, yeah.
You're racist.

I can't even do it in the shower.

I always go, "uh..."

Hey, I'm really glad
I ran into you.

Me too.

Katie! Katie!

Katie! Katie! Katie!
Excuse me.

Katie! Katie!

- Katie! Katie! Katie!
- Katie!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

This... okay.
No, no.

Katie, Katie.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Get off of here.

Okay, all right.

The show is over, all right?

This is
a brilliant female scientist,

and I will not...
Wait, what? No, no.

What are you doing here?

You should know better.
You have glasses.

Come on, get out of here.

Go, scram.
Go back to the lab.

Boo!

You can boo me all you want.

I am not leaving this frat house

until this pole comes down.

It is my personal Berlin wall.

Okay.

Relax. Relax, perverts.

I obviously didn't take off
my jacket to titillate you.

I'm just not in very good shape,

and I got overheated.

Are you stripping or not?

I'm not,
I just can't stop spinning.

Whoo!

Does anyone have, like,
a Phillips screwdriver?

My name's Phillip.

Phillip!

Oh, God.

Mindy?
Mindy, there are children here.

Stop cheering!
I'm not trying to entertain.

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay, there.

- Whoa. Be careful.
- Aha.

I dismantled this pole,
this pole of oppression.

Thank you.
Thank you, young feminists.

Hey, can you please
stop booing my friend?

Morgan?
Hi.

What are you doing here?

Get that money before they get it.

Hey, I really enjoyed
your performance.

All right.

That was so embarrassing.

Katie, a real man should be
impressed by your brain.

You should be spending time
trying to impress a guy

with how quickly
you can solve riddles.

Are you serious?
You're giving me advice?

You broke up with your boyfriend

because he was going
on a volunteer trip to Haiti.

Maybe you should follow
your own priorities.

I'm sorry this night
was such a bust.

But would you want
to come over to my house?

Like, now?

We could do something
more age-appropriate

like listen to NPR or drink
ensure or something like that.

Tom, that sounds very fun.

It's been great seeing you,
but I shouldn't.

Okay?
I get it. Fair enough.

Oh, God. The... okay.
Hmm?

Not before I look at this.

I think it's getting worse.
It looks really bad.

Oh, okay.

That is just sweet.
Wow.

- Casey, what are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

I'm here to, like,

touch this beautiful guy's face.

That's, like, what everyone's
doing now, right?

May I? Thank you.
Okay.

That is soft.

Come on.
What are you, drunk?

I don't know.

Um, have I been drinking?

Oh, my God.
Yeah, I have.

- Okay.
- Is that a big deal?

Wait a minute,
is this your ex-boyfriend?

Oh, dude, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I am.

Hey, does that put a damper
on your plans

to have sex plans
with my girlfriend?

Enough. Okay.
You look ridiculous.

And you smell terrible.

I look fine, and I smell legit.

For the record, yes.

Tom did ask me to go home with him.

And if this had been a year ago,
I would have done it.

- It would've totally rocked your world.
- Really?

'Cause I learned a lot of
cool new stuff from this guy.

Me.
Some other guys too.

Great.
What?

But I'm not gonna do that
'cause I'm a grown-up.

Totally understand.
Okay.

Totally understand
that this guy was trying

to have sex with my girlfriend!

Oh!

Oh, my God.
I'm good, I'm good.

Oh, God, Tom.

I'm drunk. I'm sorry.
I'm just... Mindy.

I'm a man of God,

and I'm not acting like it, dude.

It's all right.
No, I get drunk.

People get drunk sometimes.

Hey!

Okay.

I'm gonna punch your teeth
down your throat!

I'm an orthodontist.
I got buckets of teeth!

I'm a minister! You're trying
to kill a minister!

Are we just yelling our jobs now?

Maybe we are.

All right.

Casey, stop it!

Just calm down.

Put him down!

Not the foosball.

Come on, guys.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Okay.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

- God, Casey!
- I said I'm sorry.

It's over, it's over.
Don't...

You stupid...
Oh, God.

Stop, stop.
Oh, that is awful.

Back off, back off, back off.

Tom, what are you doing? No!

Let him go.

Just play dead, Casey.
Stop it!

Casey, that looks dumb.
That looks awful.

How did the stripper pole
get back here?

Mindy, why'd you date this dude?

Because I got a huge penis.

Really?

Oh, come on!

Oh!
Oh, my God!

Holy cow.
Did you see that?

Oh, my God.

Aah!

Gooch! Marker!
No!

Yeah, look at me!
No!

Aah!

Aah!

Ow!

Don't shove her, dude.

You look like Hitler!

Nobody pushes my brother.

Hey, hey.
Nobody pushes my brother.

Oh!
Danny!

I can feel your penis,
and it's not that big!

No, no.
Oh, God!

Okay. All right.
We should go, we should go.

We should go.
Everyone, go.

All right, everybody out.
We're out, we're out of here.

Is it bleeding?

No, it hasn't been bleeding at all.

It feels like it's bleeding.
It's really not.

Yo, that was awesome in there,
by the way.

What would the Deslauriers do
to break up a fight?

Would they sing Kumbaya?

No, Brendan thinks Kumbaya
is a negro spiritual

- that's been co-opted by white camping culture.
- Ugh.

Listen, doc,

doc,

I'm gonna join the practice.
What?

I'm with you guys again,
only because of the fight.

'Cause this guy said
I was his brother.

I don't remember that.

Oh, no, no, you did.

You were like,
"no one shoves my brother."

And you were like, "bah!" Ooh.

So that was awesome.

So, yeah, yeah.
Come here.

Come on.
I love you.

Careful, careful, careful.

What are you...

This guy right here.

Has that been there
the entire time?

Yeah, I shouldn't have brought him,

but I don't where I end
and he begins.

He's a lot more
than he looks, doesn't he?

He's a little heavy, yeah.

Okay. All right.

Stop, don't spin me though.

Shut up, shut up.
Nobody wants to hear you.

I'm gonna sit down.
Just shut up.

Okay.

Hey, Mindy.

I'm really sorry.
What?

I just made you carry
my ex-boyfriend's body.

I'm sorry I ruined
your party tonight.

Oh, no.

Actually,
it's just getting started.

It's only 9:30.

Are you kidding me?

It feels like 5:00 in the morning.

Oh, my God.

Do you want to go to a diner?

Oh, God, I am so sorry

that I turned out to be
such a bad mentor.

No. No, Mindy.
You were right.

That stripper pole was gross.

And, I mean, why am I trying

to impress these frat boys anyway?

Right. You could do so much better.

Yes, and besides,
they're just gonna turn out

to be these sad, disgusting losers

like those guys
that were fighting over you.

I am glad
that I could teach you that.

Katie, you are going to be
such a good doctor.

Come here.

Oh, it smells.
I'm fine.

You look like a magician
with food poisoning.

Voila.

I was gonna say, "voila."

Just pass out.
Just pass out.

Hey, hey.

Did you see that?

Get out of here.

No, look. Just give me
a minute, all right?

Why, so you can throw up
on me again?

Look, I know you think
I'm not serious about us

because I'm going to Haiti.

But I'm going now because
I'm really serious about us.

Right, because when
you're ready to settle down,

the first thing you do is

go to another country for a year.

That's just it.

I'm not gonna be able
to leave for a year

when we're married
and we're expecting a baby.

Whoa.

Good morning, Dr. L.

Take the stairs.

I want to do this stuff with you.

'Cause I know you're gonna turn

into something crazy,
insane, demanding,

pregnant woman who's got, like,

that's just walking around town
crushing cop cars.

I don't think I'm gonna...

I'm gonna be like a very dainty...

You're gonna be like donkey Kong.

You're gonna just go to bars,
take barrels,

and like, throw them
across the room at people.

Okay. That's...

That's funny, but that is...

That's not accurate.

Don't even get me started
on your appetite.

You're gonna be saying, "Casey,
go get me mashed potatoes,

and put it in an ice cream cone."

And I'm like,
"it's 3:00 in the morning."

And you're saying,
"I don't care. I need it now."

And I'll do it.

That actually does sound like me.

You want me to be
your tater cone boy?

Come here.

I love you, doc.

Uh, this is a public elevator.

So you guys want to clean it up?

This is hot stuff.

You are gonna be glad
I'm taking these.

- Let me take one with you in there.
- No, no, no, I'm good.

Four of us, four of us.
No, no, no.

Awesome.

Let me get a couple
of just regular photos.

Let me get in that one,
like I'm in a cop movie.