The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 22 - Triathlon - full transcript

Hey, Danny.

Could you please say something?

People are gawking.

Hello.
My name is Mindy.

Well, I am geeking out.

We've heard so little about you.

So little.

I imagined you very differently...

Sort of like long, brown hair.

Your boobs are smaller.

I pictured them bigger.
But yours are better.



- Danny used to call them his plums.
- Okay.

Uh, okay, that's enough.

Christina, what are you doing here?

What do you think?
I got your letter.

Letter?

Come in my office.

The lyricism in this letter...

When you said we should
still be together,

it was like a whole new Danny.

I never sent that.
Mail fraud is a federal offense.

Okay.
That's the old Danny.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be in
Syria, taking a photo of a tank

running over a kid's
snoopy doll or what have you?



Oh, you really didn't send this?

Okay, look, I wrote
this letter years ago, okay?

I was all pumped up
from the Chinese drums

at the Beijing Olympics.

But I don't feel that way
anymore about you.

Danny, deny it all you want,

but sooner or later
you're coming back here.

And that's not even
your favorite one.

Oh, boy.

You guys got a sec?

Because someone went in my office

and thought it was his or her right

to stir up a hornet's nest
with his or her Mindy stick.

Oh! I didn't send the letter.
Oh, you didn't?

I mean, it's definitely
something that I would've done

had I known it existed,
but I didn't send it.

You didn't. 'Cause you've done
a lot of stupid things.

It was me.

I mailed the letter.

What? Why?

Because he loved her,
and she needed to know that,

and it was wrong of me to do it.

Thank you, Morgan, for having
the guts to admit you did it.

You're fired.
What?

No.

I did something unthinkable.

He did.

Gotta pay the ultimate price.

One week suspension with pay.

Get your stuff and get out.

Danny, be rational.

This is acceptable?
I mean, this...

Are you guys...
Am I wrong?

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Uh, yeah, this is happening,
so I'm gonna...

Bye, everyone.

Who knew about the dog?

Casey, I just can't do this.

- Come on.
- Please!

You... got... this.

Help me.

Help me, please.
Okay, that counted as one.

Yeah.

Do you know what would be
really motivational?

What's that?

Is if you were to dangle pancakes

from like a fishing pole
in front of me.

When I did them,
I could reach for them.

What if every time you came up,
I gave you a kiss?

What if you put some
pancake batter on your nose,

and then when I came up,
I could be like... okay.

Get outta here.

Casey, I have to quit.
I'm gonna die.

I like this workout thing.
You know what I mean?

You honor your body,

you're also honoring God
at the same time.

God's the least of my worries.

I don't know why I volunteered

to take Morgan's place
in this triathlon.

Danny has been such a workout Nazi.

Why does everybody
always say "Nazi"

when they're trying
to describe someone

who's just passionately
pursuing a goal?

Hey, I care about you...
Yeah.

And I think you defend
Nazis too much.

Look, I'm just saying
I am very impressed

about how committed you are
to the triathlon.

Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me.

I was gonna, uh...

I was gonna ask you a question.

Okay, this sounds important.

I'll put away my sangria.

If I were to ever
settle down with a woman,

I always imagined they'd be...

Thinner, whiter, younger?

Casey, I can change
all of those things.

No, don't.

I just thought
she would be Christian.

You know, like me.

And I didn't want us
to waste our time.

I'm just saying that
if we did get married...

Whoa.

I want that to be forever.

I mean, don't you wanna spend
eternity in heaven together,

just strumming harps
and playing doubles tennis

with Abe Lincoln and Tupac?

This is a lot to think about.
Yeah.

I think we should take a break
from working out

to really think about
these theological issues.

We're... we're done with this?
Okay.

Morgan's replacement's

really starting to get
on my nerves.

♪ Figuring out the copay ♪

Tamara...

Please take Mrs. Grier's vitals.

♪ I'm taking the vitals
of Mrs. Grier ♪

♪ Or Dr. Reed gon' get mad

It's catchy,
but it's very distracting.

It is catchy.

Another good-smelling letter
for you, Dr. C.

Thanks, bets.

Danny, Christina has been
sending you letters

every day for two weeks,
and you always rip them up.

Aren't you a little bit curious?

What if there's birthday money
in there?

I don't care.

Gonna work out.

Mindy, Jeremy, get your sweats on.

Let's go.

Yeah, about that, I can't.

I'm meeting Maggie for lunch.

Hey.
No more fattening lunches!

Ow!

You need to take
getting shape seriously, guys.

You hurt my breast very badly.

Well, I thought you'd catch it.

It's okay.
I have a padded bra on.

Danny, you need to relax.
It's just a dumb triathlon.

How can you say that, guys?

Those midwives beat us
every stinkin' year,

I don't...
They just walk around.

They laugh at us,
they act like they don't care.

I can't work out again.

I was doing a million sit-ups
this morning with Casey...

Until he stopped and he asked me

if I would convert
to Christianity, guys.

Do you think I should convert
to Christianity?

No. Normally, I'd be all for you

converting to the good guys.

Our religion needs more people
from the emerging world.

I'm from suburban Boston.

♪ Tamra's break time

♪ Get me a rice cake
and a apple, ooh ♪

Please let's rehire Morgan.

Okay, I was doing the math.

If I swim like I swim
and Jeremy bikes likes he bikes,

you only have to average
a 12-minute mile on the run.

- Okay?
- Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem.

What are you doing?
I'm stretching.

You're dancing.

No, I'm getting blood flow
through my arms.

Okay.
Like you are.

No, that's not
what I'm doing at all.

12-minute mile
is not gonna be a problem.

I've been using fear fantasies
to get me to run faster.

For instance, I'll pretend
I'm a slice of pizza

and a fat man is chasing me.

And I'm like, "whoa, get away!"

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Morgan's a Deslaurier.

Okay, this is not
what it looks like.

Yes, I'm doing the triathlon
with the Deslauriers,

but it's only because
I'm working for them now.

Okay, that is worse
than what it seems.

It's way worse.

Yeah, I know, I know.
I realize it now.

Morgan, what the hell?

I defended you...

At great personal cost, by the way,

and now you betrayed us
with our enemies?

Enemy?

That's not... it's not...
Mindy...

We do the triathlon because
it is fun and healthful.

This is not a competition.

We don't use words like
"stopwatch" and "winner."

I never use those words.
She never uses those words.

Listen, stop.
You guys fired me, okay?

Brendan and Duncan...
They took me in,

they gave me a tea
that promotes digestive health...

Amazing.
Everything is smooth now.

And they gave me new pants.

What happened to the pants
I got you?

Those pants were ill-fitting
and they had pleats.

How dare you?

- Stop, stop!
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Stop, relax.
Don't do it.

Congratulations, Morgan.

You're dead to us.
You are dead.

Don't say that.

Huh? I can't hear you over
the sound of your own betrayal.

Loyalty, buddy.

Ah, there you are.
Betsy, I need your advice.

Casey wants me to convert
to Christianity.

Yes, I can't tell you
how many times

I've prayed for this moment.

I don't know if I like that.

Uh-uh. Stop giving him
that sweet thing he likes.

See how fast he converts
back to you.

Okay, I love giving
the sweet thing though.

I don't think I can do that.

I do a Bible study on Saturday
mornings at my apartment.

Why don't you just come over

and see if Christianity's for you?

Okay, if I go to your apartment,

I think I'm just gonna
start feeling guilty

about how little we pay you.
Yeah.

So we should just do it
at my place.

Bible study...

At Dr. L's apartment?

I've changed my tune
for any number of guys.

I've been Jewish, super Jewish,
Buddhist, people's temple,

heaven's gate,
people's temple again, normal.

Sir? You're not using enough
cheese on that pizza, sir.

Hey! I'm watching you.

Hi, Mindy.

Oh.

Hello...
Danny's ex-wife.

What are you doing here?

Just getting some pizza.

This is my favorite pizza truck.

This pizza truck?

Yeah, I come here all the time.

Guess what, you're busted.

I eat here every day.
I have never seen you once.

Besides, you don't have
the physique

of someone who eats pizza
on the reg.

Okay, I followed you here.

You did?

I know you spend
a lot of time with Danny.

Yeah, we're friends.
With benefits?

Well, there are certain benefits.

He's really good
at calculating tips.

And, uh, we have
the same size shoe.

Although, he will not admit that.

Look, I need your help.

Danny won't answer
any of my letters.

Yeah, I know.
He's been throwing them away.

I've actually been in
a similar situation.

I used to write
Christian Slater letters

until his publicist wrote to me
and said that,

"Mr. Slater is no longer
accepting hair."

So maybe if you give this
to him he would look at it.

I don't think I can get involved.

Oh, please.

I swear I'm not crazy.
I just need your help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey!

Is this woman bothering you?

What? Am I bothering her?

Oh, because she's so pretty
and bird-like.

And I'm a monster who's...
Ordering four slices of pizza.

No. No, in fact,
she was asking me for the favor.

It's okay, I'm fine.
Thanks, guys.

Is she making you say that?

How am I making her say that,
with my mind?

Get outta here.
Go build that building.

Okay.

We'll be over there, just in case.

Thanks.

The letter? Please?

Okay, yeah, I'll take it.

I'll take it.
Okay.

I can't make any promises though.

♪ Baby, baby

Come in!

Hi, Dr. L!

Hey!

This is Terrence.

Hello. Welcome.
Peaceful greetings to you.

You have a good soul.

Oh, thank you.
That's very nice.

- Okay.
- All right.

Okay, that's good.
That's good.

- Sir. Thanks.
- Yeah.

♪ Stop for a minute

Um, that man hugged me
for a long time.

You can't have wine here.

It'll set Roscoe off
like a bottle rocket.

There is a man named Roscoe
in my apartment?

Yeah.

Take this.
Hide this.

Greetings, Dr. L.

What are you two doing here?

Bible learnin'.

Okay, this is clearly a scam.

You guys heard about my Bible study

and used it as an excuse
to see my apartment.

That's not true.
Can I use your shower?

Absolutely not.
Sit down.

I would kick you out,
but it's Bible study

and that would look weird.

Look at this!

Ah!

You got really nice walls.

- Quiet.
- Thank you.

Have a seat.

I am terrified for my life.

Oh.

It's like sons of anarchy
in here, okay,

and none of the young,
hot characters.

Just, like, the old ones.

Okay, here they come.

Suck it, tookers.

I pronounce it "teau-kays" now.

When I first moved here,
I was so scared.

I barely left my apartment.

It was just me, the roaches,

the sound of grinding lamb from
the Greek butcher downstairs.

It got so lonely
that I finally did something

I hadn't done in a while.

All right!

- I prayed.
- Oh.

I asked the lord for strength,

and you know what?
He gave it to me.

I walked down the street,

and I had my first real
New York City bagel that day.

Didn't care for it.
Too chewy.

Betsy!

Oh, chewy. Okay.
Never mind, I'm sorry.

But there was a newspaper
in that bakery.

And in that newspaper,
I found this.

"Adventurous couple
seeks BBW for sex..."

No, no, no.
The other side.

"Receptionist wanted
for ob-gyn practice."

I realized the lord gave me the key

to doing what I was supposed to do.

And that's why
I'm a Christian, Dr. L.,

and a receptionist.

Huh, huh.
You like that?

Huh-huh-huh.

Danny, this is not a competition.

This is a friendly triathlon
for charity.

We won the moment we signed up.

Okay, look.

Deslaurier, enough
with the cool guy act, okay?

You stole our best runner,
you sleep with our doctors,

you wear this Soviet cheaty swim...

Hey!

My Uncle Woody wrote a scathing
editorial against gulags.

- Yeah? Well... yes.
- Go!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo!

Oh, you broke my pelvis!

No kidding?
Are you okay?

Help me up, help me up.
Danny, are you... oh!

Ow!

Get off me!

Danny, it's just a race.

This is what defeat smells like.
Smell it, smell it!

Ah! No!

- Dr. L.?
- Mm-hmm.

I got this for you hoping that
the Bible study would go well.

You didn't have
to get me a present.

- You make like no money.
- I know.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe

that I considered
converting to Christianity

without thinking
of the whole jewelry angle.

This is amazing.

Hey, Danny.

Where the hell are you?

Jeremy just started his leg
of the race and you're next.

You'll be happy to know

that I just received a really
cool cross necklace from Betsy

that is totally going
to accentuate my rack.

Why would that make me happy?

Just get over here now!

Yeah, okay.

Betsy, this is hot.

This is actually like
lady-gaga-ish.

Yeah, my grandma gave me mine.

She wore it every day of her life.

And even though she had
sort of a bad life,

it made her really happy.

Right?

- Hey, Casey.
- Hey!

Do you have a second
that I could talto you?

I have a question about,
um, Christianity.

You don't have to whisper
"Christianity"

in a church class.
In fact, actually,

I think they could learn
something from you.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Guys, this is Mindy.

Hi.

She's thinking of converting
to Christianity.

So what's on your mind?

I care about you,

but there is no way in hell
that I can be a Christian.

Okay, let's go somewhere private

and talk about that.
Pastor Casey.

You said this is a place where
we can talk freely about God.

Chill, because that was
about first communion,

and this my girlfriend,
so that's different.

Ooh.

Casey, I thought
it would be so easy to convert.

But it's not.

And I have every reason
to love Christianity.

It is very interesting.

And there are parts
of the old testament...

- Cool.
- That are pretty sexy and violent.

Right?

But I can't do it, even
though I am super into you.

Ooh.

Okay, all right.
Guys, grow up.

Something happened when I tried
to put on that crucifix.

It just... it felt wrong.

What religion are you?

I'm a Hindu.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

It's pretty cool, actually.
There's elephants...

Very cool.

There's kick-ass costumes
and outfits...

And basically, like, magic.

I wanna be Hindu!

Everyone just go work on
your workbooks for a second.

Do the maze.

Great to see you.

But do you have any idea
how hard it was for me

to get these kids interested
in Christianity?

I had to tell 'em the apostles
were the original one direction,

and they barely bought it.

Okay, well, I don't think
it was very cool of you

to ask me to convert.

I should... I should get back
to my class.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Great, pastor Casey.
Get back to your class.

I'm in pastor mode.
Yeah.

And kick me out of this place
of welcoming.

- Mindy.
- Hopefully they'll have more

of a Christian attitude
at the triathlon.

Danny, you were right.
There is an animal in me, okay?

But I've meditated,
and he's back in his cage.

Okay, fine.

What's wrong with your leg?

Nothing, it's just...
It's just Charley horse.

It's not a big deal.

Looks a lot worse
than a Charley horse.

Okay, why don't you lay down
and let me stretch you?

Okay, stop telling me what to do.

Let's make it quick.

Oh, boy.
Now, just breathe for me, okay?

It's tight.
Breathe.

- Oh, my gosh.
- What?

There's physical pain
and there emotional pain.

What you're dealing with here
is clearly emotional pain.

Morgan told me about
your ex-wife and the letter.

He told you about my ex...
You need to speak with her...

And you need to resolve this,

otherwise the pain will continue
and grow until it consumes you.

Ow! Oh.
You're good.

Close your eyes.

Danny, listen to me.
Yep.

Sometimes, good people do
bad things, okay?

Do you understand?
Yeah.

Take Mindy and me for an example.

We hit some rocky terrain,

but I'm gonna speak with her
and I'm gonna clear it right up.

And I suggest you do the same
with your ex.

- Ow!
- What? What?

No, no, don't stop!
I'm close.

Don't stop.
Okay, okay.

All right, okay.
Oh, there...

There it is.
That's the spot.

That's the spot.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here!

Danny, Brendan...

You know that people
can see you here, right?

You're already here?
That's like a 9-minute mile.

You're gonna kick Morgan's ass.

Are you serious?
Yeah!

I've never run that fast.

Nice.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Are you okay?
I'm fine, I'm fine.

That's disgusting.
I overexerted myself,

but I'm gonna be able to do this.

- Okay.
- No problem.

Success pukes. Yes.
You can run.

I'm ready to rock 'n' roll this.

Oh, you just puked on me.
Ugh!

Okay.
I can't do this.

I think that we're winners

just for having signed up
for this race.

No, no, no, no.
Enough of that crap.

That's not what
we're talking about here.

Okay, you know what?
Screw that, okay?

I'm running this race.

Danny, you're wearing underwear

and you don't even
have any sneakers on.

Yes, I do have sneakers right here.

Oh, my God.

We're the same size.

He has really small feet.

Hey, hey.
Look, let's have a good race.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, no!

Ah, what are you doing?

See you at the finish line, buddy.

Hey.

Hey.

Casey, what are you doing here?

You put on quite the show
when you showed up today.

I mean, I've got
nine ten-year-old Hindus

and 17 angry parents to deal with,

two of which are menopausal moms.

And then I got three gay dads,
which is another story.

Well, you put me on the spot.

You were like,
"hey, kids, come check out

"what this exotic,
sexy Indian woman I'm dating,

what she thinks
about your religion."

- Yep.
- So...

Um, Brendan,

this is Casey, my boyfriend.

Hey. Casey.
How you doing?

But we actually might be
about to break up.

So if you could just
wait a couple minutes,

I should have some clarity.

You want me to walk somewhere else.

Just over...
Like, hang out over there.

Then I should...
Yes.

- I'll check back in with you.
- If that's cool with you.

I'm here to tell you
I do not want you to convert.

Don't do it.

Is it because I smell like barf
because I barfed?

Look, I'm trying to say we're
good, and I realize that

it's not fair of me
to ask you to convert.

I just needed to know that
you took religion seriously.

And when you showed up and ruined

my Sunday school class today,
I realized that you do.

You could be with like
an agnostic Hindu-y person?

I want you.

- Casey.
- Come here.

That's very Jesus-y of you.
Come here. Come here.

Let's not kiss though,

because you do have
a little bit of puke.

If you care about me,

you'll kiss me even though
I taste like puke.

Go, Morgan!

You got it, Morgan!
Yeah! Number one!

Come on, Danny.
Yeah!

Morgan, what are you doing?

That's okay.
That's all right.

No! Morgan, don't go back!
Keep coming!

Come here.
Come here.

Morgan, no, no, no, no!

What are you doing?

This is when I carried you.

You're almost here!

Put me down.
They're taking pictures.

Put me down!

Try to smile.

All right!

Come on!
I love you!

Morgan, you lost.

Danny? Danny?

What the hell were you thinking?

- I'm sorry.
- Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can all go to hell!

Hey, come on, dude.

Oh, my God!

You're all right, Deslaurier.

- Get him outta here, Duncan.
- Lock him down. Get off me!

You shouldn't have mailed
that letter.

I know.

Because I should've mailed it...
Years ago.

I know I don't believe
in second chances, but...

I know.
I love you too.

That's not what I was gonna say.

No, well, you might not
have said it with...

Your lips, but you were
saying it with these guys.

- Okay.
- Right here.

- Okay, come on. Stop it.
- I'm sorry.

Don't make me regret
what I'm about to ask you.

I wanna hire you back.
You're a great nurse.

Come back to work with us,
all right?

- I can't.
- I just...

I got a job...
What?

I got a job with these guys.

I've said yes.
They got me a new desk.

And it's just like...

It's nice not having the pressure

of being the best looking guy
in the office.

I'm sorry.
No, no, no. Morgan...

Morgan.
I love you.

Wait a minute.
Sorry.

Morgan!

Hey.

Hey.

I forgot to give this to you.

It's from Christina.
I opened it.

But just to make sure that
there wasn't any Anthrax in it

or it was like a photo
of her doing some other guy.

Hey!

Are you smiling?

- I'm just mad.
- Why?

I'm mad that I'm not mad anymore.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm always okay.

Hey, uh, you wanna come
to dinner with us?

Uh, no, I'm good.
I'm good, pastor.

You guys have a good time.

Go have fun with your boyfriend.

Okay.

See you, buddy.
See ya.

J.F.K.

Danny?

You wanna get
a cup of coffee with me?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just getting
out of a cab.

Great.

Why don't I give you a call later?