The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 21 - Santa Fe - full transcript

Casey, Casey.

What's up?

- I know that you're really Christian.
- Mm-hmm.

- But let's say someone killed me...
- No.

In a really horrible, horrible way.

- What?
- You would kill the murderer

to avenge my death, right?

- I would want to kill them...
- Mm-hmm.

- Very badly, but I would not.
- Good, good.

I would ultimately
try and forgive them.

- What?
- Ye...



You wouldn't kill
the insane psychopath

who cut me in half
with his hook hand

and dumped both halves
of my body in a dumpster?

What is this, I know
what you did last summer?

- No.
- I get killed in a really cinematic way,

and you just walk the other
way, get a new girlfriend.

And, by the way,
he didn't just kill me.

He killed our two beautiful
mixed-race children.

- What?
- Beatrice...

No!
And Casey Junior.

- CJ?
- Little CJ...

- Oh, no.
- Who just lost his first tooth.

Then I gotta kill him.
Yeah?

Yeah, he'd be dead.
I would just



cut him into 100,000 pieces and
Fedex him across the planet

so he'd be dead forever.

Thank you.
I love hearing that.

- It's nice of you to say that.
- That makes you happy?

I know that was hard for you.
Thanks for saying it.

I wouldn't really do it, God.

Are you talking to God
behind my back?

- Mm-mm. I'm sleeping.
- Whatever.

Mindy, I still care about you.

Hold on one second.
What?

What's that, God?

I should not know Casey
as a man tonight?

He is not saying that.
He is saying that.

You're not the only person
that talks to God.

He should know himself tonight...

- Okay.
- On his side of the bed.

- All right.
- All right.

Thanks, God.

God wouldn't do me like that.

the Reed method...

The first laparoscopic
hysterectomy technique

to reduce operating time,
recovery time,

and dangerous complications.

The Reed method... A technology
of tomorrow, here today.

Perfect.

That is so good.

- Yes!
- No.

Dr. Reed, you are gonna kill
at that conference.

I could not have done it without
Morgan's A/V expertise.

Nah, I'm not an expert.
I'll get it.

I did work the light board
for the Otisville production

of West Side story,
in which we used

actual rival gangs.

It never opened, six dead.

Santa he-ey!

Sorry.

You're seriously
checking in a bag?

We're going away for two days.

Relax, Danny.
This is a carry-on.

Okay, there's no way that
that monstrosity

adheres to standard
carry-on regulations.

- Have you seen up in the air?
- Yeah.

Have you seen it five times?

- Dr. L?
- Yeah?

A Stefani germanotta for you.

She's interested
in becoming a new patient.

Miss gaga, it is an honor
to be speaking to you.

We've actually met before.

I was escorted off your stage
at the Nassau coliseum.

It's not lady gaga.
It's Josh.

- Don't hang up.
- Oh, God. I'm hanging up.

I'm sorry. It's the only way
I knew you'd pick up.

You sound really pretty,
like you've lost weight.

Okay, do not flatter me,
or insult me,

whatever it is you're doing.
Good-bye.

No wait. I-I know you're
going to New Mexico tonight.

Ugh. How do you know that,
you stalker?

Well, I saw your tweet.

"@hankbaskett, I'm flying
to your home state tonight.

"I think you and Kendra
have a beautiful relationship.

♪ Big fan." fan."

My Twitter is not
for cheating ex-boyfriends.

My Twitter is for friends,

it is for patients,
and it is for Wendy's

to give me a shout-out
on my birthday.

It's just that I'm living
near Santa Fe right now,

- and I thought we could meet up.
- Cool.

No. No, absolutely not.

I feel really, really bad
about what happened,

and I wanna tell you something.

Oh, well, I wanna
tell you something,

but my new year's resolution
was to stop

calling people dicks at work.

Yeah, I get it, but I'm gonna
text you the address anyway,

- in case you change your mind.
- It's a waste of your time.

But I'll text it anyway.
Save your finger strength.

Already sent it.
Already deleted it.

Mindy?

I get pockets of food stuck in,

- so I always carry floss.
- Cool. I'll pray for you.

Is Mindy... hi.

Hey, babe, what are you doing here?

God didn't tell you
that I was on the phone

with my ex-boyfriend, did he?

No, it doesn't work like that.

You forgot your garment bag.

Oh, of course.
Thank you.

You're bringing a suitcase
and a garment bag?

Yes, my suitcase is my carry-on

and my garment bag
is my personal item/purse.

When Bruce Springsteen flies,

he gets a first-class ticket
for his guitar.

He sits in coach.

What does that
have to do with anything?

Mindy, you were just on the phone
with your ex-boyfriend?

So Josh called me, and he
wanted me to come visit him

when I go to Santa Fe.
Okay.

Which I'm obviously not gonna
do, 'cause you know what?

He can apologize to me in hell.

Why are you going to hell?
I love gossip,

and I don't really care
about the environment.

I don't think that's gonna
send you to hell.

Thank you.
I don't know.

- I think you should see him.
- What?

Really? Why?
Closure.

You know, you don't wanna

spend years of your life
hating somebody.

Oh, Casey, I agree with you.

Oh, I don't hate anybody...

No. You know who I do hate?

Whoever it was at pinkberry

who decided to introduce
that pumpkin flavor.

Can you imagine all the flavors
that could be in its place?

Peppermint, chocolate...

They don't have chocolate
and they have pumpkin.

They do have chocolate.
They do have chocolate.

- I don't hate 'em anymore.
- I guess what I'm saying is

that if Josh wants to apologize,
you should let him.

So you wouldn't be jealous
if I saw Josh?

I mean, don't, like,
hook up with him.

Well, you better not
hook up with anyone

while you're here, some cute nun

that you work with or something.

Even if I did, that'd be
"nun" of your business.

- That's an old joke.
- It was... it was funny.

It was? No, it wasn't.
It was not funny.

Well, then I have
a bad sense of humor,

because I really liked it.
Well, good.

So, you're just really
not going to be

a jealous boyfriend?
"A tranquil heart

"is the life of the flesh.

Jealousy rots the bones."

It is so hot when
you quote the Bible.

That's not the... that's
Shel Silverstein, actually.

Why don't you
try this one on for size?

"The kingdom of heaven..." Mm-hmm.

"Is like a grain of a mustard
seed that a man took..." Whoa.

"And sowed in his field." Yeah?

Yeah.
I like that one.

You like that?
Mm-hmm.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Good morning.

This is your Captain,
Donna MacGoyer.

Donna? Oh, God.

My copilot today
is Amy Donaldson...

They're both?
Danny!

Okay, this is us.

Nice and easy.

Okay...
Okay.

Can you please help me?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Okay, okay, all right.

No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.

No, let her do it.
She needs to learn.

Okay, look, you don't know
the whole situation, okay?

I-I...
You all right?

- Yeah.
- You okay?

Help me, help me.
All right, hold on.

Get up.

Get up, get up.

What'd you pack in this thing?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I told her not to over-pack.

All right.
Okay, one...

- Okay, we are...
- This is... two, three.

We got it.
Jam it in there.

We got it, Danny.
Okay.

Push it in.

Ooh, I know what we're doing
after the presentation.

"Your trip to New Mexico
is not complete

without a visit to an authentic
navajo sweat lodge."

Or as Danny would call it,
any lodge.

I heard my name.

Was that a sweating joke?

Danny.
Danny, wake up.

- Yeah? Are we there?
- Wake up.

No, we're hours away.
Are you kidding me?

Danny, I need your advice
about something.

Josh called me.
Nope.

You don't even know
what the question is.

When it's Josh, the answer's no.

He lives in New Mexico now,

and he wants me
to visit him so that

he can apologize to me.
Come on.

Things are going great
with Jesus Christ superstar.

Don't screw it up.

Casey's the one that thinks
I should do it, actually.

He thinks I'm really angry,
and this would give me closure.

Closure? There's
no such thing as closure.

That's just something
Dr. Phil made up,

or the funeral parlor industry.

Okay, buddy, one rant at a time.

I mean, you think I had closure

when Christina cheated on me
and ruined my life?

You think my mother had closure

when my father left all of us?

No. No one had closure.
Okay?

And you seem to have moved on fully

from both of those events.

New technologies present us
with new opportunities

with different pros and cons...

New technology that saves lives.

Topics we will cover include...

Hey, where are you going?

I have forgotten to wear underwear,

and it is very arid
in this climate,

so I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Okay, we got it.
Just go, just go.

I'm gonna... yep.
I'm going, so just...

You are not going to meet Josh.

Hey. How did you
beat me to the car?

Did you stop at the snack bar?

No.

Come on. Don't go
meet your ex-boyfriend.

What could Josh possibly tell you

that would make this trip
worthwhile?

I need to know why he did
what he did, okay?

Like, maybe he's part of twins,

and the evil one was the one
that cheated on me.

I'm just never gonna get over
it if I don't hear his side.

Well, you can't drive.

You had a mimosa at breakfast.

You know that I spilled
most of my mimosa

when I was reaching for waffles.

So, you want me to give the wheels

to a drunken, undocumented rentee?

It doesn't matter!
I-I'm going.

Well, then I'm driving.

You would miss
a day of the conference

just to take me to this place?

I have no choice.

My signature's on
the rental agreement.

That line was highlighted,
by the way.

Dr. Walters, I am so honored you
will be at my presentation.

I mean, after all, you are
the laparoscopic uterine King.

Oh, please, the only one
who calls me that

is my vanity license plate.

Dr. Reed... it's go great
just to sit down with you...

Dr. Reed, I think
your phone's broken.

You're not getting my texts.

Excuse me, guys, I'm gonna...
Can I sneak in here?

Little Scooch.
There you go.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Hey, uh, Morgan,

what are you doing?

I-I'm having lunch
with a colleague.

You two know each other?

Oh, yeah.
Jer and I work together

at Shulman and associates.

No one calls me "Jer."

Morgan is a nurse at our practice.

Right there, "R.N."

Morgan, where did you find
that milk and hot dog?

Oh, well, I'm not
gonna pay $12 for brunch...

Highway robbery...

So, I, uh, found this
great little cafe

across the street called

"the New Mexico anti-hunger
coalition for the disabled."

All I had to do
was answer a few questions.

This was free.

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny!

This is the best gas station

I have ever been to
in my entire life.

How do I look?
You look Indian.

Excuse me?

- I mean Indian... American Indian.
- I know.

- Okay. What's in the bag?
- It's for you...

A keychain with your name on it.

Why would I want this?

Do you know how lucky
you are to have a name

that they actually put on things?

I can never find "Mindy" anywhere.

I had to get "Mandy."

You didn't have to get anything.

You know, I would
really love to get a dog.

I love my dog.
She runs the house, not me.

- That's just dog obedience, doc.
- Really?

Yeah, you just gotta
get a firm grasp on the neck.

I'm gonna show you real quick.

Dupe 'em for a sec.

So at first you're like,
"aw, good, good."

And then you're like, "no! No!"

No, no!
No, Morgan!

What are you doing?
Hold on. Stop.

- What are you doing?
- I was just showing him the...

Don't... don't you
have that thing at 1:00

you've gotta go to?

What?

That thing at 1:00.
You should leave now.

Every day at 1:00 P.M., I
have screaming diarrhea.

Every day.

And it's very embarrassing
to my friends,

so I'm gonna go deal with that.

Thank you for a great brunch.

We should be getting close.

Oh, man.
This is a really posh area.

Oh, my God, Danny.
Do you think the thing that

Josh wanted to tell me
is that he's rich now?

Should I get back together
with him?

"Clear sands institute."

What?
This isn't the right place.

This is the address...

2544 Soothing Palm Drive.

These street names are killing me.

Wait,
why would Josh be here?

I think he's in rehab.

So this is rehab these days...

Must be nice.

Oh, my God.

Josh was a drug addict.

I did not know this entire time

I was basically living
walk the line.

You know, he was Johnny cash.

I was Reese Witherspoon-cash.
No, no, no.

Don't start making up excuses

for some lowlife junkie.
Hey.

We got what we came for.
He was a drug addict.

Let's get out of here.
No, no, no, no.

I have to go see him.

I need closure.

It's gonna take me
five minutes, okay?

Just be patient.

Thank you.

- Hey, Dr. Reed.
- Hi.

Hope you had a pleasant morning
with your doctor friends.

I wouldn't say pleasant, exactly.

We went to a seminar
on cyst drainage.

Okay, let's skip
the friendly chitchat.

Look, I came here to rehearse.

Morgan, I'm sorry I asked you
to leave the brunch,

but I came here to interact
with other doctors.

You know, I had a friend
like you back in Otisville.

When we were
alone in our cell,

Melvin and I were
as thick as thieves...

He was a thief.

But we'd go out
into the prison yard,

and all of a sudden,
he was Mufasa Al Muhammed

and I was "white bitch."
That's not the same.

I'm not a white bitch!
That's not the same.

- I'm not a white bitch.
- I'm gonna go explore Santa Fe.

I don't wanna forget my sun hat,

lest I be burnt twice today.

Okay.

Morgan, come on, mate.

So Matthew Crawley?
He's, like, gone.

- Crawley?
- Crawley.

Damn it.

Wow. What's going on
with lady Sybil?

Mindy.

Hey.

Wow, you came.
Yeah. How's it going?

Hello.
Are you Josh's roommate?

I'm Clay Matthews.

I'm on the packers.

"Packers"?
Is that, like, a party drug?

No, uh, Clay's
an old client of mine.

Oh, you're a professional athlete.

You're visiting him.
Yes.

Uh, sit down, sit down.
I'm so sorry.

Sit down. I apologize. I just...

So rehab, huh?
What?

That's what this is?

I thought I was at a planetarium.

I'm kidding.

I was doing a ton of cocaine.

While we were together?
Yes.

Oh, my God.

That is why you
would always stand up

in sunroofs in cars and yell,
"I'm gonna live forever."

Mindy, I'm really sorry.

When we split up, I was a wreck.

I started missing work,
making careless decisions.

He talked me into
doing a scary movie.

I played Captain Jack spare-ribs.

I still don't get it.

That's where I know you from!

When we committed, we were told

the Wayans brothers
would be way more involved.

Anyway, rehab's been great.

I go to therapy, yoga.

I made a painting
of what my spirit looks like.

Mindy, I'm so happy you came.

You know what, Josh?
So am I.

And I would love to get a photo
of me tackling you.

Sex addiction?
That's not a real thing.

Come on, man.

You got too much time
on your hands.

Go for a run or make a ship
in a bottle or something.

What's your deal, pal?

I am addicted to body building.

Nope.
What about my addiction

to needing validation from men?

Okay, you know what?
Was that a good question?

No, it's not...
Look, guys, guys.

Just listen up, okay?

Whatever happened
to heroin addicts?

That's what I'm talking about...

Ruddy-faced alcoholics.

It used to be that a guy
would start smoking dope

because he just
got back from Vietnam

and he can't stop
thinking about his pal

he lost at hamburger hill.

I mean, she doesn't even
recognize the guy

sleeping next to her anymore.

That's addiction.

Is this, like, from a play?

No.

But thank you.

Look, the point is,

everyone here should be
ashamed of themselves,

except you, ma'am.

Overeating is a legitimate problem.

Food is a drug.

I'm addicted to buying figurines.

- I'm so sorry, I didn't...
- It's fine.

You know, I still beat myself up
over what I did to you.

You were on drugs, Josh.

You know, once when I
was High on cough medicine,

I kissed my Uncle,
full on the lips.

Yeah, but that doesn't
excuse what I did.

I lied to you.

I let my dealer shower
at your apartment.

Wait, what?

I stole your prescription pad.

Josh, we fired our
cleaning crew 'cause of that.

Then I cheated on Heather with you.

That I actually know about.

I cheated on both of you
with a third girl, Marissa.

Are you kidding me?

No, I was a complete monster.

That time you had dental surgery

and I couldn't pick you up
'cause I said I had to work...

Yeah?
I was with another woman.

You were with Marissa
when I was getting a root canal?

No.

It was a fourth girl.
Ann.

Yeah.

- I lied to you a lot.
- What is the matter with you?

- Why would you do that to me?
- Aah! Please!

Okay, Morgan's duffel.

Morgan, thank God.

I've been looking all over for you.

Yeah, well, you wasted your time.

Because I don't need you.

Because I got a new friend.

I got my boy, Len.

Len, give me a sign, buddy.

Are you there?

We go back and forth like that.

Morgan, I found your gift.

That's actually not for you.

That... that is for Julia Roberts,

as a thank-you gift
for being the sister

of my favorite actor,
Eric Roberts, so it's not...

Morgan, I know
what it's like to be treated

like you're not good enough.

I'm kind of the Morgan
of my family.

Really? The garage door
closed on your neck

when you were a baby?
Yeah, right.

I'm the black sheep.
But you're a doctor.

Who went to medical school
in America.

They're embarrassed of me.

You know, and that's exactly
what I did to you.

And I'm sorry.
Apology not accepted.

I-I got feelings,
and they were pretty beat up.

And I don't...

Oh, my God.
Who am I kidding?

You had me at "Morgan."
Come on, man.

I can't believe you came back.

I'm sweating tears of joy,
you giant-headed weirdo.

Let's go do this presentation.
Come on, man.

Hey. No, no, no, no.
We've got some time.

Let's finish our sweat.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Yeah. Ooh.

Ooh, that's good.
It's good, right?

Yeah.

Do me a favor.
Poke Len for me.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.

Oh, that is good news.

I'm gonna go,
because you know what?

I-I just don't understand how you

did all of this, and I had no idea.

Well, it really wasn't that hard.

You're a smart person,

but you have a way
of ignoring things,

even when all the signs are there.

Clay, is he turning this
whole thing around against me?

You know what?
My boyfriend told me

that it was a good idea
to come here

and see you for closure, but
he was obviously wrong.

You mean Danny?

What?

You're dating Danny, right?

I always thought you two
had a thing.

Danny... Danny Castellano,
who I work with?

Yes.
That's absurd.

The drugs have really
rotted your brain.

Hey, we gotta go.

They say I'm a trigger
for the patients.

Danny gave me a ride here,

because we are on a perfectly
innocent business trip.

A tangled web.

I've had enough, Clay.

What's up, Danny?
Hey, what's up, man?

What are you in for?
Cocaine.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Do you keep seeing
visions of a crow?

- Seems kind of wise?
- Maybe we stayed in the sweat lodge

a touch too long,
but I-I feel fine.

- Dr. Jeremy Reed.
- Okay, let's do this.

Ah, good evening.

Without further ado,
I present to you

the Reed method.

The Reed method is the world's
first laparoscopic...

Just... just a moment.

Oh, my God.

Is he okay?

Ahh.

Laparoscopic hysterectomy
technique.

While other, more traditional
methods, have relied...

Can I get another pitcher?

Next slide, please, Morgan.

- Ohh.
- Bull, bull.

- Bull! He'll kill all of us!
- Oh, boy.

Dr. Reed, bull!

Bull, bull!

See what happens when
we leave for the afternoon?

Bull!

I kinda like it.

Why don't you just
wear the headphones?

Are you one of those
weird people that

doesn't use headphones
when you watch the movie?

Look, I get the gist, okay?

He's scared to be on a boat
with a tiger.

Now they're friends.

Yes, actually.

That is pretty much it.

I won't wear my headphones either.

You okay?

Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.

I'm good.

Hey, I barfed the bag full.

Where should I put it, Mindy?

Hi, Dr. L.
Did you have a good trip?

Uh, yeah.

I did have a good trip.

It was a great trip.
It was great.

Oh, and Dr. C, there's someone
in your office for you.

She says she's your ex-wife.

Christina?

Yeah.

Hey, Danny.